Below is the raw OCR of the Alpha Sigma Phi songbook from University of Michigan [1962]. Please note that most of the songs here are not specific to Alpha Sigma Phi but are the shared drinking songs of most Greek sororities & fraternities. If you haven't been drunk at a fraternity party, you will not understand these songs. Compare this songbook with Shitty Songs Of Sigma Chi (1962), Theta Epsilon Omicron Iota Pledge Manual (1973), Raunchy Songs of Phi Kappa Psi (1991), Songs of Theta Xi (1992), and Theta Xi Omega Fraternity (ΘΞΩ): An Anthology of Drinking Songs (2003).
If you know any songs from your Alpha Sigma Phi and would like
to set the record straight, please feel free to email me at
.
If you wish to verify the text below, please download the PDF of the scanned pages.
TV/AS A COLD WINTER !S EVENING
Twas a cold winterrs evening
The guests were all leaving
O'Leary was closing the bar
When he turned and he said
To- the lady in red
nGet out5 ycra canrt stay where you are*"
She: wept a sad tear in her bucket of beer
As she thought of the ccdld hight ahead'.
When a gentleman dapper
Stepped crut of the: crapp.er|
And these are the words that he sai&s
nHsr; mother never told her
The- things a young girl should know9
About the ways of college men9
And nd how they come and ga. •♦•mostly go.
Age: has taken her beautyr
And sin has left its sad scar.
So remember yaur mothers and sisters^ boys
And let her sleep- under the bar* ••.■•Beside the gin»n
Oh the liquor was. spilled on the barroom floor
And the barl was closed far the night
When out. a£ the corner crepted a little brown mouse
And sat in.the pale moonlight*
He lapt up the liquor on.the barroom floor
As on: his honches he sat:
And all1 night long you. could hear hiim roar5
^Bring on tht Gad damn cat.n
Uncle Fred and Aim tie .:• able
Uncle- Fred and Auntie --able
Faints at tho breakfast table.
Lot this bo sufficient vrnrain.'
Kcvor. do it in the nornin;:>
Olvoltina has sot then ri.ht
iloQ they do it ovcry ni. ht,
And they're hopin/ pretty soon
To rip one off in the afternoon*
Christianity hits t\j 'spot
Twelve d.;ciolas5 that's a lot
Josus Christ, a Vir "in too
Christianity's tho thing f?r youi
Go Godi
SO HIDING PLACE
Chorus-
No-hiding- place down- here*
No--hiding place-down here-
Well-,- I turned- to-the--rock to hide my face
The rock cried outs ,rNo hiding place Ifr
No hiding-place- down-here-
Oh the Kappas they are -a -bunch- of- -wrecks * bunch, of wrecks
Oh-the Kappas- they-are- a -bunch- of wrecks, bunch of wrecks
Oh the-Kappas-are-a--bunch of wrecks
Turn off the lights, turn on the sex
No hiding place- down- here
Oh the Thetas they-are-a bunch- of frills, bunch of frills
Oh-the Thetas- they are -a bunch of frills, bunch of frills
Oh the -Thetas are a-bunch of frills
Footprints on their window sills
No hiding-place down here
Oh the Tri Dolts they are so tried -and true^ tried and true
Oh-the- Tri Belts they are so tried and true, tried and true
Oh the-Tfi Delts are -so- tried and true
Tried by me and tried by you .
No hiding place- down- here
Oh the K*Dors they-are a* bunch-of pigs, bunch of pigs
Ofe--the-K-*Do-,-s--they--are a bunch of pigs, bunch of pigs
Oh the-K*Do-|s -are a-bunch of pigs
They go to bed with the Alpha Sigs
No hiding-place down-here
Oh the Chi 0Ts they are up- in the tower, in the tower
Oh the Chi -0-,:-s:-they are up in the tower, in the tower
Oh the-Chi-G?s are up- in-the tower
69 cents an hoar
No hl4ing place .down here.
Oh the DtPs they-are-a-bunch-of-.-squirrels, bunch of squirrels
Oh-the D!F-s- -they- -aro-a- bunch of - squirrels, bunch of
squirrels
Oh the-DlPs -are -a-bunch of Squirrels
They'd rather play with boys than girls
No hid ing-plac e......down here
Oh the Sigma Kappas they are all shot to hell, shot to hell
Oh the Sigma Kappas -they are all shot to hell, shot to hell
Oh the Sigma Kappas are all shot to hell
But there's one thing they still do well
No hiding-place down her 4 -:
Oh the Phi's they are -a~ bunch of shits, bunch of shits
Oh the Phi*s they are a bunch of shits, bunch of shits
Oh -the-Phi *s are a bunch- of shits
Knee socks, tennis shoes, and small tits
No hiding place down here
In. Iho__Halls
Chorus
My eyes aro dim, I cannot sec
t. have not brought my specs with mo
Oh its boor, beer, beer that makes you want to cheer
In the halls, in.the halls
Oh its beer, beer, beer that makes you want to cheer
In the halls of u.jKph&, ^lpha Sigme Phi
Oh its whiskey/ whiskey, whiskey that makes you ffeel so friskoy
. In the halls, in the halls
Qh its whiskey, whiskey, whiskey that makes you feel so friskoy
In the halls of -ilpha, -ilpha Sigma Phi
Qh its vedka, vodka, vodka that makes you feel you oughta
in the halls, in the halls \ : \.'/.:,'.:;V
Oh its vodka* vodka, vodka that makes you feel you oughta
in the halls of ^Ipha, -xlpha Sigma Phi
0h its gin, gin, gin that makes you want to sin
In the halls, in the halls
0h its gin, gin, gin, that makes you want to sin
fn /the hallo of -jlphsu, .alpha Sigma Phi
Chorus fr2
Oh its .rum, rum, rum that makes you want to come
Jo the halls, to the halls
Oh its rum, rum, rum, that makes you want to come
"■'..■jo the halls of ^lpha, .Alpha Sigme Phi
Oh its cold roast duck that makes you want a sandwich
Jn the halls, in the halls..
Oh its cold roast duck that makes you want a sandwich
'En the halls of alpha, -xlpha Sigma Phi
Collo -e Sonr/
.Oh si:^ a son- of collo oo, I'll-toll ™-a v/horo to o
^Oxford's "here tho knovilsd -c is, C moil to 1:<••rn' to r^,
; ^.rvard for her cham:/' boj.s, Yalo for vl r ?,nd~vi.
;>rthwestcm for bar ->r:;tty /iris, (BFood follov;c, ' ichi ;an.
.Don't sand ;;- "-;■ to Hr.rr-.rd, tho d in.: not" ..-.r r-id,-
Don't c.-.d •■." V< - to Illi—is, I'd rrt'u.r goo hi;, dead,
Just send :\y boy to i ichian, I know he'll do ri-dit well,
put rather than Ohio State, I'd s4'ny boy in Hell-
Hell, to Hell with Pennsylvania, to Hell to Hell with Pennsylvania
•To Hell, to Hall with Pennsylvania, to Hell with the U. of p., P.U.
Titanic
Oh they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue
And they t outht they had a ship that the waterrd never go thru
But the Lordfs alnighty hand
Said this shipfd never land
It was sad when t e great ship went down*
Chorus
Oh !twas off the coast of England and a headed from the shore
when the rich refused to associate with the poor
So they put them down below
Where they'd be the first to go
It was sad when the great ship went down*
Chorus
Oh the ship was surely sinking in the North Atlantic fog
When the first mate wrote the last words in the log
The captain dried his eyes
As he kissed his wife goodby
It was sad when the great ship went domu
Chorus
Oh they threw the lifeboats over in the rough and raging sea
Tii/hen the band struck up with "Near My God To Thee11
Little children wept and cried
As the waves washed them over the side
It was sad when the great ship went down*
Choruses:
Oh it was sad (oh it was sad)
It was sad when the great ship went down
Husbands and wives, little bitty children lost their lives
It was sad when the great ship went down*
Oh it was sad (oh it was sad)
It was sad when the great ship went down
Uncles and aunts, little bitty children wet their pants
It was sad when the the great ship went down*
.•''here is a. Tavern in the Town
There is a tavern in the town, in the town
And there ny true love sits hin down, sits hin down
And drinks his wine as nerry as can be
And never,, never thinks of ne*
Pare thee well, for I mist leave thee, do not let the parting
grieve thee*
Jfctd renenber that the best of friends oust part, riust part
Oh, dig nj grave both wide and deep, wide and deep
Put tombstones at nj head and feet, head and feet
And on ny breast earve a turtle dove
To signify I died of love*
Chorus
Adieu, adieu kind friends, adieu, yes adieu
I can no longer stay with you, stay with you
I'll han:j ny heart on the weeping willow tree
And nay the world go with thee.
Chi Qosja Song
Oh, there are no Chi Qne^as at Purdue
Oh, there are no Chi Gnegas at Purdue
So the Beta Theta Pi's have to sleep with Si71a Chis
'Cause there are no Chi Qne^as at Purdue*
Oh, there are sone Chi Oierjas at J ichirjan
Oh, there are sone Chi Onegas at Michigan
But the Beta Theta Pis still prefer the Signa Chis
Though there are sone Chi Onegas at Michigan
Raht Snappers:
Oh, the gane was played on Sunday
In heaven's own back yard,
With Jesus playing full back
And Moses playing ^uard.
Stay with God, stay with God^
Rock 'en, sock 'en, Jesus block 'enI
Stay with God.
Oh, the angels in the grandstand,
My God, how they did yell,
THhen Jesus scored a touchdown
Against the boys fron Hell]
If all little girls were like pigs in a sti
And I was a boar, I'd Bake the shit fly*
If all little girls were like fish in the river
And I was a fish, I'd tickel their liver.
If all young couples were like Hansel and Gretel
And I was Hansel, I'd metal with Gretel.
^Eam's on the bottom '■'■;
;. Papa's on the top
|Baby.f s .'in ;the kitchen- .
;Shoutin' "Give it to her Fop!" ';
r",Gonna tie. my pecker to a tree, to a tree
:;V6onna tie my -.pecker to a tree.
■ .Oh, why do we go with the girls so -such
■v;«yhen we could be drinkin beer with the
; GODLAMN DUTCH?
The fir st rates cane was Ripper
Vy God br?t he was chipper
'
He plugged his buns
$ith" babble gum
And vulconized the skipper♦
Revel!
Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tile
Cats with the clap and the crabs and the piles
.Cats with their assholes wreathed in similes.
As they revel in the throes of fornication.
The crockadile is a strange animile
He rapes his mate only once in a while,
But when he does he floods the Nile
As he revels....
The baboons ass is an eirry sight
There is a glow bftlow like a neon light
And waves like a ...flag in .the p&ie moonlight,'.
: .' As he .revels.. •. ;V
• The hip^otomus is big and round
A small-one weighs two thousand pounds \
;Two together ouake the ground,. V
As they revel.. • #
; The elephant seldom has wet dreaims
;.;He slldos cooes or so it seems •
: 'Cause when he cones, he .cocas' in streams,
.■ 'As he revels* o.. >■'
The camel has a lot of fun. ;
. The night is complete when he is done
.He always pts two ^sp for one,
: As he revels ....
, The clam is a siodel of chastity
: And you! can't tell the he from the she
But he can tell and so can she,'
As they revel....
■ The cpeen bees frit among the trees
And there consort with whon they please
They fill the land with sons of bees,
As they rever....
7Ten thousand verses all in rhysje
With a belly laugh in every line
But why the hell' should we wa^te the time,
$hen we could be reveling ...»
There was a friar of great renown, (repeat twice)
Oh, he whopped a girl fron out of town. (repeat)
Chorus; Ea! Ha! Ha! Eo! Ho! Ho! Eorse Shit!!!'
He laid her on the bishop1s bed,
And then he busted up her maidenhead.
He too^-r. her to the burial plot
And then he thought he'd have,another shot.
He laid her runrj u'&on a stunp,
And then he hissed the rcsD and split the sturrip.
The Bastard King of England I
Oh the minstrels sing of the English King
Ylho lifoed many years ago*
Hew he ruled his land with an iron hand,
Though his mind was base and low*
His only undergarment
vtfas a filthy yellow shirt
It.served to hide Eis Magesty's pride,
But it.could not hide the dirt,
.He was wild and wooiley and full fo fleas,
And his terrible tool hung down to his knees
■God bless the Bastard King of England
■Now he loved to hunt the royal stag,
Within the royal wood,
B ut. better than this he loved the bliss
Of nulling the royal pud
Some claim His Kagesty's pride and joy
In fact his'favorite trick
/ Ifas to get beneath the London Tower
And tilt it with his prick.
Oh the <ueen of Spain a spirited dame
A spirited dame was she
She loved to fool with his magesty's tool
From far across the sea,
So she sent a special message
3y a special messenger
Inviting the^-Xing to bring his dong
And spend the week with her.
When news of this reached Philip of France
He swore Before the court.
"She ^ust prefer me rival,
Because me dong is short.ff
So he sent the Count.of Zippity-Zap
To give the Queen a dose of slap
And thus defeat his rival
The Bastard King of England.
. '..!Yhen news of this reached Windsor Halls
The King swore up and down
That he'd have the Rrenchraanfs halls
Toasted royal brown
So he offered half his kingdom.
And a. crack at Queen liortense,
To any loyal" Britain who'd demit the King of France* .
Vv> jumped the Duke of Buckingham
And sailed away to France
He said, "B y God, I am a fruit"
And the King pulled down his pants
• He grabbed the Frenchman by the balls
And threw them over his head
You could tell by the throb of the Royal knob :
That his balls were made of lead#
He tied his dong.to.a saddle thong
And galloped merrily,'merrily along
Back to the shores of England
Sip-ging a merry song
The King threw up his breakfast
And shit all over the floor,
For during the ride the Frenchman's pride
. Had increased.a yard or sore!
And all the British lassies bit their tits
In fiendish glee
-For the Frenchman's inch-and-a-half
Stretched to thirty-three
And all the lads and lassies came
From miles and :^iles around
To gather 'round the palace shouting
"To hell with the Britich Crown!"
When PfciMp of France usurped the throne
The sceptre was his royal bone.
Meae
Knock1, knock
■Clio's there?
Oliver
Oliver F/ko?
Ah love a Pi Phi, I always will,
Because a Fi Phi gives me such-a thrill
When I was younger and just a child
A^ sexy Pi Fhi drove me wild
.They call her Meme the college widow
■Pride of the university ...ity ♦ .. ity
. They call her Meme the college widow-.
She taught the boys anatomy
How how? by brail," wow wow. •
Now Mene laid the cornerstone of knowledge
In fact she laid the. whole damn college.
Now Mere's going to graduate and won't be back.no more
So say farewell to Meme the. college whore*
Lulu
;Eich girls use vasoline
-•Poor girls use lard
But Lul^ uses axel grease
And gets it twice as hard
Banging away on Lulu
Banging away ail day
"feat are we gonna do boys
V?hen Lulu goes away?
Rich girls work in a shop
Poor girls work in a store
Lulu works in a dockside house
With fifteen other whores.
'' Lulu had a boyfriend
Name of Diriond Dick
She never saw his dicaond
But often saw his dick.
Hick girls use Xotex
Poor girls use rags
Lulufs cuntfs so goddamn big
She uses burlap bags.
Rich girls get it on a bed
Poor girls g^t it on the "floor
Lulu takes, it standing up
And gets six inches more.
Nancy Brown.
In the hills ofl old Montana, lived a girl named Nancy Brov/n
She was the fairest maiden for many miles around
How along came a deacon, a-seekin' for his thrills..
And he took our little Nancy q.way„up in those hills.
She came rollin1 down the mountain
She came rollin! down the mountain
She came rollin ! down the mountain mighty wis.e
But despite the.deacon 's urgin1, she still remained a virgin
She's as pure as those-octd Montana skies
Montana skies, Montana skies, ahe's as pure as those old Montana
skies
How along came a cowboy in his chapa. and fancy frills.
And he took our little Nancy away up in those hilla.
She came rollin1 down the mountain
She came rollin! down the mountain
She came rollin! down the mountain might wise
But despite the ..cowboy Js; urgin1, she still remained a virgin
'She's as pure as her pappy!s apple jack
Oh apple jack, oh apple jack, she'ls as pure as her pappy'b apple
jack
How along came a city-slicker with his hundred-dollar bills.
And he took our little Hancy away up in those hills..
Oh she stayed up on the mountain
Oh she stayed up on the mountain
Oh she stayed up on the mountain all night long
And when she came down at dawn? all she ever had was gone
And her pappy/ kicked that hussy out of sight
Oh out of sight, oh out of sight, her pappy kicked that hussy out
of sight
Now she's livin1 in the city
Oh she's livin1.in the city
Oh sheis livin! in the city mighty swell
And tiler's no more pots and kettles, and she's eatin' damn fine
vittles
And those old Montana skies can go to hell
Oh go to hell, oh go to hell, and those old Montana skies can go
to. hell
Shon along came depression, kicked the slicker in the pants
It took all his possessions, including little Nance
So she's back up on the mountain
Oh sheis back up on the mountain
Oh sheis back up on the mountain as of yore
And the cowboy and the deacon got the thrills that they've been
seekin'
For she's, nothing but an old Montana sweetheart
Montana.sweetheart, Montana sweetheart, she's nothing but an old
Montana sweetheart
Student Prince Drinking Song
Eins Zwei Dri Veir
Raise your stein and drink your beer
Drink, drink, drink
To eyes that are bright as stars
when they *re shining on me.
Drink, drink,drink,
To lips that are red and sweet
as the fruit on the tree
Here's a hop:*? that those bright eyes will shine
Longingly, lovingly, soon into nine*
May those lips that are red and sweet
Tonight with joy my own lips meet
Drink, drink,,
Let the toast start
Eiay young hearts never part
Drink, drink, drink,
Let efery true lover salute his sweetheart
Let's drinkJ
How the Money Rolls In
My mother's an apple pie baker .
My father makes synthetic gin
My sister!s a Ganna Phi Beta
My God how the money rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in*
My Aunt is a bur^c^ue stripteaser
Her clothes are held on with a pin
When she pulls that pin for five dollar®
My God how the money rolls in*
My brother's a poor missionary
He saves fallen women from sin,
He1!! save you a blonde for five dollars
My God how thejaoney rolls in*
My uncle is whittling tout candles
From wax that's 'specially soft,
He says that they'll come in handy
If ever his business falls off
My grandmother sells pro-phy-lax-tics*
She punctures each head with a pin*
My grandfather petels abortions
My God how the money rolls in*
My mother has run out of applesr
My father has run out of gin
My sister is seven months pregnent
My God whgt a mess we are in
Alabama*s Niggers
Alabama fs niggers want to bs? free
Hail to the N double A C P
Alabama's niggers want to be free
Hail to the N double A C P.
Hail Autherine Lucy
Hail Autherine Lucy
Hail Autherine Lucy
Alabama's niggers want to be free
We don't smoke, we don't cuss
We want to ride in the f ront of the bus
We want to ride in the front of the train
To prove our daddy's didn't die in vane
We want to swim in an all white pool
We want to go to an all white school
We want to vote as we please
We want to get up off of our knees.
We want to merry cream colored wives
So we can be happy the rest of our lives
We want to have cream colored kids
So we can get off of the skidss
Show Me The Way To Go Home
Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to got© bed
For I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it went right to my head*
Wherever I may roam
On land or tea or foam
You will always hear me singing this song:
Show me the way to "go home.
Why don't you*.*
Indicate the way to my abodey
I'm fatigued and I want to retire
for I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it wont right to my cerebellum
Wherever I may perambulate
On land or sea or atmospheric vapor
You will always gear me singing this melody
Indicate the way to my habitual abode*
Chicago
I used to work in Chicago,
In a department storej
I used to vrvrk in Chicago
I did, but I donft any more*
A lady cane in for a house dress,,
I asked her what kind did she wish,
"Junper-11 she said, and jump fer I did,
I111 never go there any nore,
A lady cane up for some pastry,
I asked her what kind did she wish,
' Layer" she said,, lay fer I did,
I!ll never go there any more*
A lady cane up to the hat shop
I asked her what hat she wished,
"Felt" she said, felt 'er I did,
I111 never go there any nore^>
A lady cane up for a sleeper,?
I asked her what berth did she wish,
nUppor!! she said, up 'er I did,>
I111 never go there any norer
A lady cane up for a tickejfc,,
I said "Where do you want ta go?11
"Bangor" she said, bang !er I did
I'll never go there anymore.
A lady cane up to the pet shop
I asked her what kind did she wish,
!?Addert? she said, rad fer I did,
I?ll never go there any more*,
A lady cane up to the golf shop
I asked her what club did she "wish,.
-Driver" she said, drive fer I did,
I?ll never go there any noro,«
A lady cane up to the garden shop
I asked her what did she wish,
f!FLanter?! she said, plant Ter I did,
If11 never go there any more.
Wiffenpoof Song
To the tables down at Maury's, to the place where Louie dwells.
To the dear old Temple Bar we loved so well
See the Wiffenpoofs assembled with their voices raised on high
And the magic of their singing casts a spell.
Oh the magic of their singing of the songs we loved so well
Shall lie wasting and m!vourning and the rest*
We will serenade our Louie where life and voice shall last
Then we1!! pass and be forgotten with the rest-
Wefre poor little lambs who have lost our way,.. jjag-baa-baa
Yfe1 re .little black sheep who have gone astray, Baa-baa-baa?.
Gentlemen songsters off on a spree
doomed from here to eternity
God have mercy on such as- we 9 B aa—baabaa
I Want To Go- Back To Michigan
0hr I want to go back to Michigan,, to dear Ann Arbor town-
Back to Joe!s and the Orient, back to some of the money we spent
I want to go back-to Michiganr to dear Ann Arbor town
I want to go backr I want to go back to Michi gan
0hy father and mother payall the bills and we have all the fun
In the frendly rivalry of college life,, Hooray I
And we'll have to figure a hell of a lot to tell what we have
done
With the coin we blew at dear old Michigan*
Alouette
Hedi LaHar Under the bar
Doris Day ' In the hay
Betty Grable Under the table
Clark Gable Over Grable
Perry Como HeTs a; homo
ZAsru Pitts Has big feet
Donald Duck Likes to swim
Errol Flinn He got in
Margaret 0TBrian Shefs still tryinf
Sophi Tucker She's a singer
Ida Lupi no No maraschino
Kixt Novak Has a cracked.♦••tooth
On The Steps of Psi W
On the stops of Psi U5, crying like hell
Lies a newborn baby, listen to that son of a bitch11 on bastard
yell
Taio could be its father, ^?ybc its you
Just another bastard son of old .'si U
Hey liley liley li
Hey liley liley lo
Hey liley liley li
Hey liley liley lo
I know a girl that lives on a hill
Hey liley liley li
She won't but her sister will
Hey liley liley lo.'
I know a girl about half grown
Jumps on.a nan like a.gfog on a bone.
I know a girl by the name of"Barb
Makes her living in the 9 *> «. Union.
I know a girl dressed in brown
Makes her living going down*,
I know a girl dressed in red
Makes her living on a bed*
I know a girl dressed in black
Makes her living on-her back.
I know a girl dressed in white
Makes her living by the night.
Alpha Sig parties are really great
The perfect place to make your date#
I know a girl dressed in red
There's a parkin1 meter by her bed.
I know a guy named P.B. Devine
He thinks that meterTs mighty fine.
-
If you see a pitcher near
Pass it over full of J)eer#»
If only girls would sing this song
'Twould be twice as dirty and four times as long.
Hunoursque
The passengers will please refrain
From passing water while the train
Is in the station darling I love you*
We encourage constapation
While the train is in the station
Moonlight always nakes ne think of you.
If you feel the urge to water
Kindly call the pullrian porter
He'll place a vessellin the vestabule*,
If the Porter isnTt near
Try the platform in the rear
^ '
The one in front is likely to be full*
If the wonen's roon is taken
Never feel the least forsaken '
-
Never hank your head in sad defeat.
Try the nen's roon 'cross the hall
And if sone nan has had the call
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.
If all these nethods are in vain
Calnly break a window pain
This novel nethod's used by very few.
Then we'll go strolling in the dark
Goosing statues in the park
If Sheman!s horse can take it why can't you?
Last Night
*» i I....... 'II ■ ■ ■■■ ■ii«H
Last night I stayed up late to nasturbate
It felt so good, I knew it would*.
Last night I stayed uplate to nasturbate
It felt so nice, I did it twice*
You should see ne om the short stroke
It is so grand, I use ny hand.
You should see ne on the long stroke
It is so neatj I use ^ny feet*
Snash it, bash it, crash it on the floor.
Ran it* cran it, slan it in the door,
Sone people say a lay a day,
A jimp in the hay is oh so grand,
But for all around enjoynent
I prefer to use ny hand*
(it's adjustable)
Three JLolly Qoachmen
One two and three jolly coachmen sat in an English tavern
Three jolly coachmen aat in an English tavern
And they decided, and they decided, and they decided
To have another flaggonl
Landlord fill the flo\*ing bowl until it doth run over
Landlord fill the flowing bowl until it doth run over
For tonight we!ll merry be, for tonight we'll merry be, for
tonight welll merry be
Tomorrow we111 ..be sober!
Here] sJB%%'XXX. to the man drinks water pure and goes to bed
quite sober
Here is to the man drinks water pure and goes to bed quite sober
Palls as the leaves do fall, falls as the leaves do fall, falls
as the leaves do
■-fall ■ .
He1!! die beforeJ£ October!
Here's to the man who drinks dark ale and goes to bed quite
mellow
Here is; to the man SMX who drinks dark ale and goes to bed quite
mellow
Lives as he ought to live, lives as he ought to live> lives as he
ought to live
And dies a jolly good fellow!
Here1^ to the maid who steals a kiss and runs to tell her mother
Herels th_ the maid who steals a kiss and runs to tell her mother
She's a foolish foolish theng, she's a foolish foolish thing, she's
a foolisli
foolish thing
Eor she111 not get another I
Here's to the maid who ateals a kiss and stays to steal another
Hereis to the maid who steals a kiss and stays to steal another
She's a boon to all mankind, she's a boon to all mankind, she's a
boon to all
v mankind
Eor she111 soon be a mother I
Tijuana Jail.
Ife went one day,., about a month ago
To have some fun in Mexico
We ended up in a gamblin1 spot
Inhere the liquor flowed and the dice were hot
Chorus
So here we are in the Tijuana jail
Ain't got no friends to go our bail
So here welll stay* !cause we can't pay
Just send cmr. mail to the Tijuana,, ja.il
I. was shootin' dice, rakin1 in the dough
And then 1 heard the whistle bSbw
I. started ..to run, when a man in blue
Said, "senor come with me, cause I want you J*
Just five huddred dollars will set me free
I couldn't raise a penny if you threatened me
I know five hundred don't sound like muoh
But just try to find somebody to touohi
Souse Family
Drink drink drink drink
Brank drank drank drank
Drunk last night, drunk tho night before
I'm going to got drunk tonight like I never got drunk before
Bar when I'm drunk* I!m as happy as can bo
1 Cause I am a member of the Souse family
Oh the S.ous.e family is tho best family
That ever came over from old Germany
There*s the highland Dutch and the lowland Dutch
The Rotterdam Dutch and the God Damn Dutch
Chorua
Singing glorious, glorious
One keg of beer for the four of us.
Singing glory be to "God that there are no more of us
Eor one of us could drink it all alone, damn neari
Oh the Lord made tho Irish, he didn't malce much
But they1 re a damn sight better than the God damn Dutchi*
Ifhat is the smell on the evening breeze?
Itfs the God Damn Dutch eating Limburgor, choose i
M,T*A,
Well let mo tell you a story of a man named Charlie on a tragic
and fateful 1 day.
He put ton cents in his pocket, kissed his v/ife and family, wont to
ride on
the M.T4,
Chorus
loll did he over return? Ho he never returned
4nd his fate is still unlearned
Ho may ride forever 'ncath the streets of Boston
Hofs a man who111 never rcturni
Charlie handed in his dime at the Kendall Square station
Jnd. ho changed! for J.amica Plane .
When he got there the conductor^ tolo him, "One mor nickel!11
Charlie couldn't get off from that train*
How all night long Charlie rirides through the station.
Cryin1, atfhat will become of me?"
How can I afford to sec my sister in Chclaa
Or ny cousin in Rockbury?"
Charlie's wife goes down to the Sully Square station every day at
quarter past
two *md.through tho open window, she hands Charlie a sandwich as tho
train goea
rumbiin1 through.
l/oll ye citizens of Boston, if you think its a acandal how tho
people have to.
pay and pay
Eight tho fare increase, vote for George 0.*Brien, got poor Charlie
off tho M.»TjA.i
Seven Old Ladies
CHORUS
Oh dear ?/hat can the natter be5 seven old ladies locked in the
lavatry
They were there fron Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there *
The first was the wife of a deacon in Dover
And tho she was known as a bit of a rover
She liked it so nuch she thought she'd stay over
And nobody knew she was there
The next was a athletic lady naned Myrtle
Hopped over the top like a steeplechase hurdle
Her glasses cot hooked in the stay of her girdle
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Abagail Humphrey
She settled inside to nake herself confy
But then she found out she could not get her bun free
And nobody knew she was there*
The next old lady was old Mrs. Bickle
She found herself caught in a terrible pickle
She stopped at a pay booth and hadn't a nickle
And nobody knew she was there *>
The next was the bishop of Chitchisterfs daughter
Went in to pass sone superflous water5
She pulled on the chain an1 the rising tide caught her
And nobody know she was there.
0io next old lady Elizabeth Bender
Was doing all right till a vagrant suspender
Got caught up in her feninine gender
And nobody knew she was there.
The last old lady5 Jenniffor Pin
She only sat down on a personal whin5
But she got herself caught twixt the cup an* tho brin^
And nobody know she was there.
Lilly
Lilly, Lilly she was a beauty
She lived in a house of ill re\:utty
Gentlemen case fross. eiles away
Just to see her shed her negligee.
Oh Lilly boo ti ah ta boo te afa.ta doo da (repeat 3 tines)
Lilly, Lilly she's growing-thinner
She needs to get some more vitamins in her
So she took sosae dextrin
Now Lilly, Lilly Lilly's Dakin' noney again*
fcilly, Lilly she went to heaven
She charged St. Peter a dollar ninty seven
St. Peter said "You know dasan well
■For a dollar ninty seven you can go to hell".
Lilly Lilly she went down under
She went down under like a bolt of thunder
The devil•liked what she had to sell
Now Lilly, Lilly, Lilly's .saakin1 noney in hell.
Down in Duncan Tennessee
Lived a bootblack, -who was ee,
And my father shoveled house shit in the streets,
Bail,' Kail-, you master-betas,
Gaise your thunder-mugs on high
And we'll drink another glass
To the biggest horse's ass
The sisterhood of Beta Theta Pi.
Mow one day when 1 was young,
Ke found a diamond in the dung,
■And sent sae here a Beta for to be
Have you heard the latest word?
They have pledged another turd
In the sisterhood of Beta Theta.Pi.
■They forgot to -oull the chain
Consequently, he'll regain,
In the sisterhood of Beta Theta Pi.
The Twelve Nights off Christmas
1. A douche bag in a rear tree
2. 69's
3t Torn trojans
4. :?airys farting
5. Pubic hairs
6. Cocks a cunning * tin. j\ *
7. 'Sultans sucking (<<>Wt£ ^(WVvSf
8. Barmaids blowing (/
B. Huns a nynphing
10. Priests a pimping
11. Lutherns licking
13. Tv/ats a twitching
Oh, the ball
The ball of" Ballynoor
Where your wife and isy #if e
were doin1 it on the floor.
Chorus; Singinr-a hi diddaly lassie, hi diddaly do,
The lad that done ya last tine carina1 do ya now.
There was soin1 in the. parlor
Doin1 on the stones,
Yob couldna here the music
For the wheezes hnd the groans♦
The deaconfs wife was standin1 there
Her butt against the wall
"Put your money on the table boys,
I'm gonn do-yes all."
■ They tried it on the garden path
And once around the park ■'■••■
Wnd when the candles all burned out,
They .did it in the dark.
Well first they tried it simple
Then they tried it usin1 cheese,
And when the ball got rollirg,
They went at it in fives and threes*
The letter-carrier he was there,
The poor man had the pox ■
He couldna do the lascies,
So he did the letterbox*
Under the spreading chestnut tree
i^he village idiot sat,
Abusing himself by abasing himself,
And catching it in his hat*
The King was in the counting house,
Counting out his wealth
. The v;ueen was in the parlor
Flaying with herself.
The naid was in the parlor
Explaining to t'.is groom,
T he vagina not the rectum
Is the entrance to the womb.
There was fucking on the carpets
bucking on the stairs,
You couldna see the car-ets,
For the cunts and curly hairs.
The r:ueen was in the parlor
3athing bread and honey,
The King was in the chanbernaid,
And she was in the money.
Now when the bail was ofeer
Everyone confessed
The r;,usic it was eruisite,
3ut the doin was the best.
sheep in the clover
ram, I'd ram them all over*
little. wMte vixen
fox, Ifd chase !es and fix 'em.
grapes on the vine
Blucker, and have me a'.time»
, little blind moles
I'd find their vurrows and fill up their holes*
.■■snares-in a stable
groom, I'd mount all I was able. .:
Jars of jelly
label, I'd cuo on their belleis-*
:We go to college, college go we,
■■■ We never lost our virginity,
He inighta lost it, if only they'd forced it,
*/e are from Campus Hall* :
We go to college, we have our fun,
We know exactly the way that it's done,
We saw the novi&s in hygiene A-l,
We are from Carrr-us Ball*
We go to college, and we've got pluck
We do our work without asking a buck,
So won't you drop by boys, and try out your luck,
We are froo Caupus Hall*
We go to college, we can be had,
Don't take xrar word, boys, ask dear old dad,
Ee brings his buddies for graduate studies,
We are from Canpus Hail*
We go to college, each Christnas Dance
We don't wear bras and we don't wear.pants,
Wq like to give the freshmen a chance,
We are froa Camus Hall*
I'm a ra^blin' whore frosa Baltimore
and I'll fuck for fifty ,£ents
on my head or on a bed ^"l
or over a barbed wire fence
I aay be old and feeble
and a se^hilated wreck
but I wouldn't fuck you, you son-of-a-hitch
cause you're from Georgia- tech*
If all little girls were like ____ ____ ,
And I were a ;___,________________#
Oh. roll your leg over, Oh roil your leg ove§,
Oil roll your leg over the man in the moon*
Little-red foxes
hunter, I'd aiia for their boxes*
yellow canaries
cardinal, I'd whitewash-their., cheeries*
:foeil3 in a.tower
munk, I'd. bang hj the hour/;.
wheels on a car
piston, I'd go twice as far„
-.fish in a. pool -
shark with a waterproof tool«
statues of Venus
..' man with a cast iron penus.
fish-in the ocean
fish, l?d show them the motion".
bricks in a pile
mason, I'd lay them in stile*
trees in-a forest
woodsman, I!d split their clatorus*
cute little kittens
■tomcat, I'd make them new fittens
B. 29 !s ■
fighter, l!d buzz their behihds
bats in a steeple
bat, there !c be riore bats that people•
dinonds and rubies
jewler^ I'd polish their boobies*
in lin-3 for improvement
I'd givo it to them with a ball-bearing movement*
littls white rabbits
hare, I'd te^ch 'era bad"-habits*
•rushes - a-growin!
scythe{ I'd start a-mowin1
LOOPIE
mi 111 i i ii mm m i i*.....
T'was down.in cunt valley where the red river flows
Where cock suckers prosper and whore, mongers grow
T'was there I met Loopie the girl 1 adore
S he's a hot fnicking, cock sucking, Mexican whore.
The first tisae 1 smv her she was at the tender age ox eight
She was swinging back and forth on the garden gate
The cross member broke and the upright went in
And she!s lived ever since in a vale of.sin.
She!ll blow you, she111 fuck you, she'll tickel.y.our nuts
And if you're not careful she'll suck out your guts
She'll, wrap her legs around you 'til you think you'll die
But I'd rather eat Loopie than sweet cherry pie.
Jumped for my horse, :saddle wasn't there
.sunk 16 inches in the old gra^y inare.
Gonna' tie ray pecker to a tree, to a tree
Gonna' tie say pecker to a tree.
First tirae I saw her she was floating down a strean,
tits full of milk, cunt full of cream.
Next time I saw her she was standing on a hill
flap- ing her tits at Buffalo Bill.
Reached in ay pocket and pulled out a nickel
she said NYoung snan you sure are fickel".
Reached in :.y pocket and pulled out a dime,
she said "Young raan you're waisting your tine".
Reached in say pocket and pulled out a half,
and all she did was give sae a laugh.
Reached in my pocket and pulled out six bits
and all she did was wiggle her tits.
Reached in mu pocket and pulled out a buck,
She said "Young man you have earned your fuck".
Last tirae I saw her, and I haven't seen her since
she was jacking off a nigger t•'.rough a babbed wire fence.
Bye Bye Cherry
Stand her up against the wall, here 1 go balls and all
•Bye bye cherry
Dear I haven't got a lot^but what I've got will fill your twat,
Bye hye cherry
Oh I can't guarantee to nake you love it,
But once you've had it once, I know you'll want more of it,
Cherry tree is ready for vluckin'
And My dear you're ready for fuckin'
Cherry bye bye«
The Great Fucking Wheel .
A sailor told sine before he died,
And I don't believe that cocksucker lied*
He said there was a woman with twat so wide,
That she could never be satisfied*
So we built a great fucking wheel,
And on it we mounted a. great prick of steel,
Two balls of brass filled with cream,
And the whole fuck1en thing was run by steam,
..:JRound and''round went the great fucking.wheel,
; .In and out went the great prick of steel,
■wntil at last the maiden cried,
•;;f,3nough, enough I'm satisfied."
Alas, there is a moral to it,
There was no-way of stoping it,
.It-split the maid from twat to tit,
And the whole fueken1 thing went up in shit.
Barnacle Biil The Sailor
■"Who's that knocking at ray door?" (repeat)
''"Tho's that knocking at my door?" said the fair young maiden.
"It'-s only me from over the sea" said Barnacle Bill the sailor
(repeat)
Oh what do you want?
Just got paid and I want to get laid.
Oh what's-that handing twixt your legs?
Just a pise to stick up your hole.
Oh what's that running down your leg?
Just a shot that oissed the spot.
Oh what will you do?
Open the lid and stick in the schnid.
Shall we do ii in the grass?
Hell with the grass, it tickles say ass.
What if ma and pa find out?
Fuck your &a and blow j^our pa.
What if I should hav4 a baby?
Dig a. ditch and bury the bitch.
Friggin* in the Riggin*
( A tender ballad of the sea)
life sailed the good ship Venus
My God you should have seen us
The figure head
Was a whore in bed
The mast an erect penus.
The first mate's name was Ripper
My God but he was shipper
He lined his ass
■With broken glass
And circumsized"the skipper
The second mate!s name was Morgan
My God was he.a gorgon
H e strummed away
And played all day
Upon his sexual organ
The third mate's name was Andy
■And boy was he a dandy
They smashed his cock
■With a gig flat rock'
For pissing in the brandy..
The cook her name was liable
Whenever she was able
She and the mate
Would fornicate
■Accross the gaily table.
The cafatain's wife was Charlotte
Was born and raised a horlotte
Her thios at night
Were lilly white
By morning they were scarlet
The captain!s youngest daughter
Was thrown into the water
Her plaintaif squells
Revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.
The ship's dog was named Rover
Those bastards worked him over
They ground and ground
That hound around
From Tamarak to Dover
Chorus:
Friggin in the riggin
Friggin in the riggin
Friggin in the Riggin
There was fuck all else to do*
The Rang Dang Poo
Now the Rang Dang Doo now what is that
Its round and fim like a bowler hat
Its good for no ..and its good for ytou
Its what they call the Rang Dang Doo*
Now there once was a girl and a bright young naid
Of boys and nen she was so afraid
Bho woke one night with a feeling new
There was a stranger in her Rang Dand Doo*
Yftaon she and I were youngsters gay
To her Paddy's celler we!d steal away
She fed no whiskey and she fed ne brew
And she lot fie play with hot Rattg Pang Coo*
Her father cane and before her stood
Said you've lost your naidenhood
Pack your bag and your satchel too
And get the hell out with your tang Dang Doo*
Well she went to the city and bocane a whore
Tacked a sigh upon her door
A dollar for one and three for two
To tale a crack at ny Rang Dang Doo#
Well the amy cane and the airy went
The price wont down to fifty cents
They caught the clap and the lunrdes too
And the seven, year itch fron her Rang Dang Doo*
The M.P.!s cane and they shot.her dead
The troops filed by as she lay in bed
And on a polo for the public view
They hung it up there$ her Rang Dang Doo,
Now the Rang Dang Doo now what is that
it's round and firn like a bowler hat
' '■
A hole that splits the thatch in two
It's what they call the Rang Dang Doo*
Pi Phi Song
High above a Pi Phi's garter
Deep in Pi Phi grass
Lies the pit of Pi Phi passion
Good old Pi Phi ass
Pi Phi we mil always love
Pi Phi on the grass
Just as long as Pi Phi parteth
with her pi Phi ass*
Rolling U£ Her Little Ball of Yarn
fTw°-s in the month of June,
When the possum screwed the coon,
And the weather v/as very, very ware,
When a spied a pretty oiss,
And I asked her simply this,
nMay I roll up your little ball of yarn?"
.She said,."Sir I jfeell you true,
'This thing I cannot do, •
It would ruin all my beauty and my charm," ..
•3 ut she finally did consent,
So over the hill we went,
And I rolled up her little ball of yarn*
It was six weeks.after this,
When I went to take a piss, ;;'-.:
Not thinking that she'd done me any hare,
When I discovered by mishap,
That Ifd cought a dose of clap,
Just from rolling up her little b.all of yarn*
It was nine months after that,
In the pool room where I sat,
When I felt a heavy hand upon my aria,
It was•a man in blue,
Saying, "Sir wefre after you,
Y our the father of a nine pound ball of yarn#"
Now in my prison cell 1 sit,
With ny shirttail in say shit,
The bedbugs, they play checkers on my arm,
And the people as they pass, "
Stick their hatpins up my ass,
All from rolling wp her little ball of yarn*
If 1 had the cock of a stallion
And the balls of a hairy baboon
I'd sit on the edge of creation
And cornhole the man in the moon
Colombo
In the year of 1492 in the city of Genoa
Lived Isabel the Queen of Spain
A real old Spanish lady
She fell in love with a sailor bold
Who swore the world was round~o
This rascal's nane, well known to fane,
Was Christopher Colunbo,
And he knew the w6rld was round-o
That nasturbatin1 ,,;xalculatin!
Son-of-a-bitch Colunbo*
So Colunbo went to see the Queen
She knew his reputation
She swooning'.cried, "Take whay you want
I do it for the nation*"
Colunbo fell upon his knees, said
l!Ifll take ships and cargo"
And he swore he!d be a son-of-a-gun /
If he didn!t bring back Chicago
"Hey, take your tine," sez Isabel,
"and donft forget essentials,
Cone with ne to ny boudoir
And I'll check on your credentials"
She gave her guest no time for rest,
The pace was something wicked
Why every hour on the clock
She punched Colunbo! s ticket•.
For 40 days and 40 nights
They sailed the broad Atlantic
Colunbo and his horny even
For want of tail were frantic
Well Colunbo had a one-eyed nate
He loved hin like a brother
So every night at half-past eight,
They buggered one another.
They spied a Ktssmaid^on the shore
And off went coats and collars
And when that indiqp walked away
She had ten thousand dollars
Then with happy shouts they ran about
And practiced fornication
And when they sailed they left behind
Ten tines the population I /&{.
China
Choruss
Aye3 Yiij Yii Yii
In China they do it for chile
So sing out the chorus and bite the clitorus
And waltz no around again Willie.
There once was a young nan fron Lute
Who did a trick he thought cute
With a shar$ pointed stick
He punched holes in his prick
And played on it then like a flute
On the chest of a hooker naned Gail
Was tatooed the price of her tail
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the sane infomation in brail.
Have you heard of the children fron Biminghan
And the various rumors concerning then
They lifted the snok
And tickeled the cock
"Of the Bishop while he was confirming then,
That Bishop was nobody1s fool
He went to the archbishop's school
He lifted the britches
And tickeled those bitches
With his nine inch episcople tool.
There once was a First Lady naoed Jackie
■ -ii/lio had an affair with a blacky
The results of her sins
Were quintuplets, not twins •
One black* one white, and three khaki.
There once was a jean from Dallas,
':Iho pissed in a silver chalice
Itfs my belief ,
T'was out of relief
And not of Protestant mallice«-
There once was a man from the Ritz
Who planted a field full of tits,
They cairie up. in the-Fall,
Red nipples and all,
And he patiently chewed them to bits.
There once was a monk from Siberia,
Who had a feeling inferior,
■.-...=.■■ He did to a nun, ;.;..../• .■.-;.;
What he shouldn't have done,
And now.she's-a mother.superior.
;There was a goucho named Bruno,
Who said, "There is one thing I do know I
,. A woman "is fine,
■'■' A shee- is devine,
,-B ut a lama - -.Ah, nuiaero uno!ff
There once was a man who got-drunk,
And fell.asleep in his trunk,
He dreamed that Venus, •
Was stroaking his ?:enis",
And woke nv all covered with gunk.
There was-; an archaeolegest named Tossel,
Who discovered a. most' unusual fossil,
The angle of the bend,
And the knot at the end,
Proved it was the penis of Paul The Apostiie.
There once was a saan from Bel Air,
.. "?7ho corned an old maid on the stair,
On.the sixty ninth stroke,
The banister broke,
So, he finished her off in the air.
There once was a Queen of Sheba,
Who had „an affair with an amoeba,
The little blob of jelly,
Just lay on her belly,
And cried, !,Iv>y dear - ach die lefoe.,f
There once was a man from the 'Jest
V/ho was eating his wife with great gest
Dispite all her howls
He sucked out her bowls
And pueked them all 0ver her chest*
There once was a man deaf and dumb
Who drank nothing else except rum
Once while going full throtle
He grabbed the wrong bottle
And drank up a fifth of his cum*
There was a pirate named Bates
Who loved to dance on skates
When 'he"fell on his cutlass
It.rendered him nutless
And really quite useless on dates«
.There was a man from from New York
•Whose cock was shaped, like a fork
'Til :a Siamese twin :
Did the man in . .
By twisting it off with great torque,.
There was a knight named Ace
Who was hit on the head with a mace
Much to his surprise
He shit through his eyes
And peed through a hole in his face.
There was an old miner named Moose
¥hose ar;rner did shit in the sluice
Ee said with a yell
"I'm sorry as hell
It's just that me bowls ar4 loose,"
There was a young man ffob Crete
::7ho was bussily beating his meat
The king had him hired
Until he expired
And furnished him all he co~ld eat.
There wqs an oM hero of Greece
vlho was seeking the golden fleece
The sheep never cried
As he steped to their side
And c.rfc off t .eir b^lis in one piece.
There was a man fro:~; Ases
■;7ho enfoyed the most horrible games
He lighted the thatch
On his grandmotherf s snatch
And laughed as she peed through the.flakes
There was a girl named Ann Eeiser
ITIio thought -no man could surprise her
Until Fabst took a chande
Through the Schlitz in her pan^s
And left her sadder, Budweiser.
While Titian was mixing a platter
Eis model posed nude on the ladder
Her position to Titian "
Suggested coition
So he went ut: the laddex and had fer.
There was a priest iron Capri
Uho had stopped by the road to pee
He said, "Bominos Vobiscura
t/hy wonft the rsiss cone?
I fear J have C -' L - A - P II"
There was a man from Lutes
wThose ©other hated all fruits
T To teach the young fool
-Not to $>Iay with his tool
She ripped it out by the roots.
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin
But when she was tight
It seeded ouite alright
Now we kee her provided with gin.
A young girl who was no good at tennis
At swisjiaing was really a menace
She took pains to explain
It de ends how you train
I was a streetwalder in Venice«
There was a saan named Paul
Jhose "prick was exceedingly sraall
Ee buggered a bug
On the edge of a rug
And the ^ug didn't feel it at all*
There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave*
He said, "What the hell.
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money you save,11
There once was aman from Nantucket,
Whose nook was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chim,
"If my ear were a cunt,' I would fuck it."
There once was a man from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin*
There was room for his ass,
and a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost !em.
There once was a man from the Cape,
Who cornered a barbary ape. :
The ape said, ,TDon,;t cornhole me you fool,
You*ve got a square tool,
You111 bugger my ass out of shape."
There once was a girl named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick for a fallice*
They found her Vagina
in West Indo-China,
And her anice in Buckingham Palace.
There once was a man from Calcutta,
Who used to pound off in the gutta.
The tropical heat a
affected his meat,
And instead of cream, he got butta.
There once was a girl from France,
Who boarded a train in a trance*
The engineer fuck'd her,
and soJd the conductor,
While the brakeman went off in his pants'.
There ojice was a man named Sweeny,
Who poured some gin on his weeny.
Just to be uncouth
he poured on vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
A young homosexual named Bloom,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night, •
As to who had the right,
To do what and with which and to whom.
There was a fellow named Barriage,
Who rebelled at, the thought of marriage,
Be sucked off his brother
Raped his graidmother,
And devoured his sister f"s miscarriage*
There once was a man from St.-Paul,
Who went to a masquerade■ball,
He.had the affront,
To come as a'cunt,
And was raped by .a .dog in the hall. ■...
There once was a girl from SeattJa,
:Who liked .to suck"off cattle,
'Till a bull from the South,
Laid a wad in her mouth,
■■"That made- her ovaries rattle.
A young man attending Baylor,
Once seduced a respectable sailor,
When they put him in jail,
He worked out his bail,
B y performing his act for the jailer.
A lady athletic and handsome,
Was caught in a sleeping room transom,
When she offered gold for release,
She was told with caprice,
That the view was worth more than the ransom*
A lady who.came from Madras,
Once had a oagnifieent ass,
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think,
B ut was brown, had long ears, and ate grass.
There once was a man named MacTavish,
Who an-anthropoid thought he would ravish,
In his haste for the rape,
He grabbed the wrong ape,
And the anthropoid ravished kacTavish.
. A lad at'his first copulation
Cried "-That a sensation inflation!11
Slationed gyration
Throughout the duration
lie said !,I think I!ll give up masturbation I1
There once was a nan from Ltacene
Gfho invented a fucking machine
.On the sixty ninth stroke
The dansn thing broke
And battered his balls into, cream.
There once was a plumber named Lee
Itfho was .plumbing a lass by the sea
The lass said "Stop plumbing,
I- hear someone coining. " .
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's se."
There 'once was a -man named Block
Who could beat bass drums with his cock
'■'v7ith a special erection •
.He.could play a selection
'From Johann Sabastion Bach.
Proio the depths of the caves of St. Jiles
Came a scream that was heard round for miles
Said the pope "Goodness gracious
■Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten that the Bishop has piles.".
There once was a couple from Hew Bellie
Who got stuck fast belly to belly
In there haist
They used libruary paist
Insted of patroliuo jelly.
There once was a young-man from Modras
• Whose balls were me&e out of brass
When they knocked together,
They played Stormy leather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There once was a-man from Anti^es
if/hose balls ware of different sizes
One welb so ssnail
It was nothing at all
But the other was so large it won prizes.
There once was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought all babies came from God,
But it wasn!t the Almighty
who lifted her nighty.,
It was Roger the lodger, by God*
There once was a man from Kent.,
Whose cock was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
he stuck it in double,
And instead of cumming he went.
.There ono.e was a man from Racine,
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex
it would thrill either sex,
■ And Jack itself off in between.
There once was a man named Woody,
Who was an absolute goody.
He was caught in the nude,
by a girl in the mood.
And the question wasn!t would he, but could he.
There once was a girl from the Azores,
Whose crotch was all covered with sores*
Adog in the street
wouldn*t touch the green meat.
That hung in festtonns from her drawers.
If all the girls were along.
To help us out with the song.
If you111 pardon the blank
it would be twice as rank,
And three to four times as long.
There once was a woman named Mertle,
Who had an affair with a tertle.
A swelling abdominal
proved somewhat phenomenal,
To Mertle the tertle was fertle.
There once was a man from Dundee,
Who cornered an ape in a tree,
The results were quite horid,
square tits and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple gotee.