collected by
Greg Gibson
53rd FIGHTER ::jadroh
compiled and illustrated by
Rainer R. Otter, LtCol ret. German Air Force
72nd FIGHTER WING
53rd Squadron History
Activated on New Years Day 1941, flying the P-26, P-36 and the
P-40 out of Albrook
Field, the 53rd were tasked with the defence of the Panama Canal
Zone.
In May 1943, the 53rd re-deployed to the United States to train
in the P-47 Thunderbolt
prior to deploying to Kingsnorth , England on 4 April 1944 as part
of the 9th Air Force.
Within a month, the Tigers were involved in the air offensive in
support of D-Day
operations. After the liberation of France, the Tigers deployed to
seven bases in France
to support General Patton's 3rd Army. Tiger pilots distinguished
themselves by earning
two Presidential Unit Citations and the Belgian Fourrage.
In May 1945, the 53rd deployed to Germany. In February, 1946, the
squadron was
deactivated. It was reactivated in October 1946 in the Canal Zone,
flying the P-47 and
the P-80 . In July 1948 they became the first jet fighter unit
assigned to Europe, at
Furstenfeldbruck, Germany as part of the 36th Fighter Bomber Wing.
They then transitioned to the F-84. During August 1952, they
moved to Bitburg Air Base
and transitioned to the F-86, which they flew until 195, when they
transitioned to the F-
100 Super Sabre.
After a temporary move to Landstuhl Air Base in 1956 the 53rd
returned to Bitburg in
1961. Since then, they distinguished themselves as the first unit in
Europe to receive such
jets as the F-105 Thunderchief, F-4 Phantom II and the F-15 Eagle.
During this period
the 53rd transformed from a fighter bomber squadron to a real
fighter squadron.
During the Iraq / Kuwait crises the squadron distinguished itself
during Operation
Desert Shield / Desert Storm. Deployed from December 1990 to July
1991, the Tigers
operated out of a bare base in Saudi Arabia and successfully
controlled the skies over
Iraq. The squadron accumulated more hours of combat time than any
other fighter unit
in Desert Storm and was credited with eleven confirmed kills while
sustaining no losses.
The Tigers proudly fly the latest F-15C equipped with advanced
avionics and weaponry.
In 1994, as part of the downsizing of USAFE and the deactivation of
the 36th Tactical
Fighter Wing, the squadron left Bitburg and transferred to the
nearby base of
Spangdahlem and the 52 Fighter Wing.
One of the latest operations of the squadron is flying missions for
Deny Flight over
Bosnia from Aviano Air Base.
The unit was disbanded in March 1999, and aircraft where
transferred to several units
in the UK and the USA
53rd FIGHTER SQUADRON PATCHES
Index
Title Tune Page
Adeline Schmidt Sweet Betsy From Pike 6
Ah Sweet Mystery Of Life 7
The Air Force Lament Battle Hymn Of The Republic 7
The Ball ( The Death of 69.000) 10
The Argentinian Song What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor 10
The Ballad of Yukon Pete 11
The Balls of O´Leary The Bells of St. Mary´s 13
Balls To Your Partner 14
Bang, Bang Lulu 14
Barnacle Bill the Sailor 16
Beastiality Tie My Kangaroo Down 17
Blood Upon The Risers Battle Hymn Of The Republic 18
Bloody Great Wheel 20
Blow Job Blue Moon 20
Blow The Man Down 21
Brassiere Blue Moon 21
Bye, Bye Cherry Bye, Bye Blackbird 21
By The Light By The Light of the Silvery Moon 21
Chunder in the Old Pacific Sea 22
Cold Winter´s Evening 22
Come and Join The Air Force 23
Dear Mom 24
Do Your Balls Hang Low? March Of The Tin Soldier 25
The Eagle Driver 26
Eifel Lament Let It Snow 27
Fighter Pilots If You´re Happy and You Know It 27
Fighter Pilots Eat Pussy 29
The Flag 34
Fox One InThe Face Strangers In The Night 34
Friggin´ In The Riggin´ 35
G-Suits and Parachutes Bell Bottom Trousers 36
Gang Bang 37
Ghost Fuckers In The Sky Ghost Riders In The Sky 38
Goodnight, You Tiger Ladies Rockabye Sweet Baby James 38
Gumshoe Song 39
Hail Britannia 40
He´s A Dogshit Commie 40
Hey, Look Us Over 41
Horse Shit 41
I Fucked A Dead Whore By The Roadside My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
42
I Love My Wife 44
Incestuality Beastiality 44
Iraq I´m Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover 44
It´s A Lie 44
I Want To Play Piano In A Whore House 45
Jingle Bells (USMC version) 46
Jolly England I don´t want to join the Air Force 46
Kotex Song As the Caissons Go Rolling Along 48
Last Night 49
Lawn Dart Lament A Tisket, A Tasket 49
Leprosy Yesterday 50
Let´s Call The Whole Thing Off 50
Let´s Have A Party 50
Lily White Kidney Wipers Ghost Riders In The Skey 51
The Little Bird 52
The Little Brown Mouse 52
Little Red Light My Blue Heaven 52
Lupe Down In The Valley 53
Loaded Too Close To You 53
The Mailman Song Bye, Bye Blackbird 54
Mary-Ann Burns 54
Mary Had A Little Lamb Mary Had a Little Lamb 55
Mother Humper´s Ball 55
Mrs. Murphy Red River Valley 56
Music Man 56
My Girl March of the Tin Soldiers 57
My Father Was A Fireman 57
My God How The Money Rolls In My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean 58
My Grandfather´s Cock My Grandfather´s Clock 60
My Husband´s A Colonel 61
My Way My Way 61
No Balls At All Sweet Betsy From Pike 62
North of ACMI Ghost Riders In The Sky 62
Nothing Could Be Finer 63
Ode to Mary-Ann Burns 63
Please Don´ t Burn The Shithouse Down 63
Pubic Hairs Baby Face 64
Remember 64
The Rodeo Somg 64
The S&M Man The Candy Man 65
Sally In The Alley 65
Sammy Small If You´re H appy and You Know It 65
Scrotum 66
Sit On My Face Sit On My Face 67
Six Pounds of Boobies 67
The Slick Willy Draft Dodger Rag 67
Stand To Your Glasses Stand To Your Glasses 68
Sweet Antoinette Sweet Adeline 69
Swing Low, Sweet Chariot Swing Low, Sweet Chariot 69
Three Whores From Canada Junction Three Whores from…. 70
Throw A Nickel On The Grass 71
Tie My Root Around A Tree 72
Together 73
Tracking Kill 73
Twelve Days of Christmas 74
Waltzing Matilda 75
Was It You 75
The Whiffenpoof Song 76
The Whorehouse Quartet 78
The Wild West Show 78
Why Do The Drums Go Boom-Ti-Boom-Titty 80
Yo-Ho When Jonny Comes Marching Home Again 83
Will You Still Suck Me Tomorrow Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow 82
Would You Like To Sit On My Face? Would You Like To Sit On A Star?
82
You Can Sit On My Face Red River Valley 82
You Can´t Say Shit Hot 84
Dedicated to the memory
of
Maj Donald "Zane" Lowry
Fighter Pilot
1959-1995
Blue Four
There is a fireball down there on the hillside,
And I think maybe we've lost a friend.
But we'll keep on flying, and we'll keep on dying,
For duty and honor never end.
There's an upended glass on the table,
Down in front of a lone empty chair.
Yesterday, we were with him, today God be with him,
Forever he is in your care.
They were four when they took off this morning,
And their duty was there in the sky.
Only three jets returning, Blue Four ain't returning,
To Blue Four, then, hold your glasses high.
Introduction
A fighter pilot's primary job is to roam his allotted airspace in
a manner which he deems
fit, turning bad guys into hair, teeth and eyeballs, then come home,
drink like a fish, toast
his fallen comrades, and chase everything lacking a dick between its
legs. The next best
thing to doing this primary job, is to get hammered beyond
recognition and sing rude songs
about it. With this in mind, this songbook is not intended to be an
all-encompassing
reference volume, cataloging every fighter pilot song known to man.
Instead, this is a
combat songbook, if you will. It is intended to be used on Friday
nights, or any other night
of the week, when brain cells are being depleted to the point where
some sort of reference
is needed to jog your waning cognizant memory. This book has been
compiled from
sources way to numerous and varied to be listed here. In fact, even
if it was easy to do, we
probably wouldn't list them because we damn well don't feel like it.
There are also some
passages contained in this book that may offend some women,
children, and support
personnel who are not entrusted with the ability to erase bad guys
from the face of the earth
with the twitch of a thumb. If this offends you, shut the fuck up,
get back into your
supporting position behind us and we'll let you know when it's safe
to come out and help.
That is all....
2
You love a lot of things if you live around them.
But there isn't any woman and there isn't any horse,
not any before or any after,
that is as lovely as a great airplane.
And men who love them are faithful to them
even though they may leave them for others.
Man has one virginity to lose in fighters,
and if it is a lovely airplane he loses it to,
there is where his heart will forever be.
- Ernest Hemingway
The Air Force Song
Off we go, into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the sun.
Here they come, zooming to meet our thunder, at 'e m boys, give her
the gun.
Down we dive, spouting our flames from under, off with one helluva
roar.
We live in fame or go down in flame, nothing can stop the U.S. Air
Force!
Minds of men fashioned a crate of thunder, sent it high into the
blue.
Hands of men blasted the world asunder, how they lived, God only
knew.
Souls of men, dreaming of skies to conquer, gave us wings ever to
soar.
With scouts before and bombers galore, nothing can stop the U.S. Air
Force!
Here's a toast to the host of those who love the vastness of the
sky.
To a friend, we'll send a message of his brother men who fly.
We'll drink to those who gave their all of old,
Then down we roar to score the rainbow's pot of gold.
Here's a toast to the host of the men we boast, the U.S. Air Force.
Off we go, into the blue sky yonder, keep your wings level and
true.
If you live to be a gray haired wonder, keep your nose out of the
blue.
Flying men gaurding our nation's borders, we'll be there followed by
more.
In echelon, we carry on, for nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!
3
Why I Want To Be A Pilot
When I grow up, I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and
easy to do. That's why
there are so many pilots flying around these days. Pilots don't need
much school.
They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their
instruments. I guess
they should be able to read a roap map, too. Pilots should be brave
so they won't get
scared if it's foggy and they can't see or if a wing or motor falls
off. Pilots have to
have good eyes to see through clouds, and they can't be afraid of
thunder or lightning
because they are much closer to them than we are. The salary pilots
make is another
thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with.
This is because
most people think flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't
because they know
how easy it is. I hope I don't get air-sick, because I get car-sick
and if I get air-sick I
couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.
4
Fuck Songs
and
Trash Tunes
5
Adleline Schmidt
("Sweet Betsy From Pike")
There once was a maiden named Adeline Scmidt,
Who went to the doctor cause she couldn't shit,
He gave her some medicine, all wrapped up in glass,
And up went the window and out went her ass.
Chorus:
It was brown, brown shit all around. Brown, brown shit all
around.
It was brown, brown shit all around..
The whole world was covered with SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!
A handsome young copper was walking his beat.
He happened to be on that side of the street.
He looked up so inocent, he looked up so shy,
And a big piece of shit hit him right in the eye.
Chorus
That handsome young copper, he cursed and he swore.
He called that young maiden a dirty old whore.
And 'neath London Bridge you can still see him sit,
With a sign 'round his neck saying "Blinded by SHIT!"
Chorus
6
Sweet Betsy From Pike
Ah Sweet Mystery Of Life
Oh, your asshole's like a stovepipe, Nelly, darling,
And the nipples on your tits are turning green,
There's a million crabs a-bounding on your pussy,
Your the ugliest bitch I've ever seen.
There's a yard of lint protruding from your navel,
When you piss, you piss a stream as green as grass,
There's enough wax in your ears to make a candle,
So why not make one, dear, and shove it up your ass!
The Air Force Lament
( "Battle Hymn Of The Republic")
Mine eyes have seen the days of men who ruled the fighting sky,
With hearts that laughed at death and lived for nothing but to fly,
But now these hearts are grounded and those days are long gone by,
The Air Force is shot to hell.
7
Chorus:
Glorifying regulations, have them at every station.
Burn the ass of those that break them, the Air Force is shot to
hell.
My bones have felt their pounding throb a hundred thousand
strong,
A mighty airborne legion sent to right a deadly wrong,
But now it's only memory, it only lives in song,
The Air Force has gone to hell.
Chorus
I have seen them in their T-bolts when their eyes were dancing
flame,
I've seen their screaming power dives that blasted Goering's name,
But now they fly like sissies and hang their heads in shame,
Their spirit's shot to hell.
Chorus
The Sabres in Korea drove the MiGs out of the sky,
The pilots were fearless men and not afraid to die,
But now the regs are written, you can kiss your ass goodbye,
The Air Force is shot to hell.
Chorus
They flew their rugged Thunderchiefs througha living hell of
flak,
And bloody, dying pilots gave their lives to bring them back,
But now they all play ping-pong in the operations shack,
Their techniques have gone to hell.
Chorus
You heard the punding 50's blaze from wings of polished steel,
The purring of your Merlin was a song your heart could feel,
But now the O-2 charms you with its moanin', groanin' squeal,
And it will not climb for hell.
Chorus
We were cocky, bold and happy when we played the angel's game,
We split the blue with buzzing and we rolled our way to fame,
But now that's all verboten and we're all so fucking tame,
Our spirit's shot to hell.
Chorus
One day I buzzed an airfield with another reckless chap,
We flew a hot formation with his wingtip in my lap,
But there's a new directive and we'll have no more of that,
Or you will burn in hell.
Chorus
Have you ever climbed a Lightning up to where the air is thin,
8
Have you stuck her long nose downward just to hear the screamin'
din,
Have you tried to do it lately? Better not, you'll auger in,
And then you'll sure catch hell.
Chorus
Mine eyes get dim with tears when I recall the days of old,
When pilots took their choice of being old or young and bold,
Alas, we have no choice and we'll live to be quite old,
The Air Force has gone to hell.
Chorus
But smile awhile my pilot, though your eyes may still be wet,
Some day we'll meet in heaven where the rules have not been set,
And God will show us how to buzz and roll and really let,
The Air Force will fly like hell.
Final Chorus:
Glory no more regulations, rip them down at every station.
Ground the guy that tries to make one, and let us fly like hell!
Air Corps Lament
9
The Argentinian Song
What shall we do with the Argentinians? (x3) Earlie in the morning....
Nuke, nuke, nuke the bastards, (x3) Earlie in the morning....
A-4 Skyhawk ...... ............ Stuff him up the arse with an Aim-9L.
Mirage III ........... ............ Smash him in the face with a Skyflash missile.
Pucahara ............. ............ Gun him on the ground before he's airborne.
Argie ground troops ......... Nape, nape, napalm the bastards.
(with reverance):
Old Belgrano ...... ............ Send him to the bottom with a big torpedo
Argie widows ..... ............ Shoot their sons and fuck their daughters
The Ball (The Death of 69,000)
Group: Twas the night of the King's castration, and the
King was throwing a
ball...his left one. Counts, Discounts, and No-Accounts were seated
at the table,
shooting camel shit, for bullshit was unknown.
Queen: Balls!
Group: Cried the Queen.
Queen: If I had two, I 'd be King.
Group: The King chuckled, not that he had to, but he
had two. Up rode David on his
dashing white steed. Up rode the King on his diamond studded
jockstrap.
David: Where's the Princess?
Group: Cried David.
King: She's in bed with Diptheria.
Group: Said the King.
David:What?!!
Group: Cried David.
David: Is that Greek bastard back in town?
n
10
Group: And he was thrown to the lions for insolence. But the Lions couldn't hurt
him, they hadn't won a game in years. But the Lions rose up
anyway, and David
grabbed one by the left nut.
Lion: That tickles!
Group: Said the Lion.
David: What tickles?
Group: Said David.
Lion: Testicles.
Group: Said the lion. And David was summoned to come forth. But David wanted
to come first, so he tried to sneak to the front of the line. As
he snuck around, he
slipped on some camel shit. Shit flew at Random, Random ducked, and
the shit hit
the king in the face.
King: Shit!
Group: Said the King. And 69,000 squatted and groaned.
David: Where's the princess?
Group: Asked David.
King: Fuck the princess!
Group: Said the King. And 69,000 were trampled to death, for the King's word was
law.
The Ballad of Yukon Pete
Well grab a glass and pull up a seat,
And I'll tell you a story of Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete.
Lil was the village queen,
The fuckenest whore you've ever seen,
While most girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.
But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps,
She piled her victims up in heaps.
And there was a rumor going around that town,
That no man could pull Lil's ass down.
11
But way up north where the twin rivers meet,
Lived a one balled half breed named Yukon Pete.
Now Pete was a dirty motherless soul,
Who fucked bear, sheep, and woodchuck holes.
And when he got a whiff of Big Ass Lil,
He packed up his rubbers and came down from the hill.
He strode into town on size thirty-two feet,
Dragging sixteen yards of that red hot meat.
Well the scene was set at windy mill,
By the brick shithouse high on the hill.
All the ladies gathered for a ringside seat,
Just to watch that halfbreed sink his meat.
Well they fucked and they fucked and they fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers.
Lil did front flips, back flips, and other stunts,
All unknown to most common cunts.
But Pete caught on to every trick and just kept pumping in more
dick.
Then Lil gave Pete that whorehouse squeeze,
Dropping that halfbreed down to his knees.
But Pete came back with a Yukon grunt,
That popped out her eyes and split open her cunt.
Well Lil rolled over, farted twice, then sighed,
She said, "Boys, I've been fucked," farted once more and died.
Well Lil had a sister named Tight Twat Tina,
Who was a little slimmer but a whole lot meaner.
She saddled her mule and rode into town,
Stopped in the square and pulled her pants down.
She said, "Where's that bastard they call Yukon Pete?
It's time for his dick to go down in defeat.
You fucked Lil to death and you called her a whore,
but now it is time that I even the score."
Well,
Pete heard the challengeand he rode to the square,
And he found Tina there just a scratching her hair.
So he pulled down his pants and he pumped in a load,
Knocking that bitch right into the road.
But Tina got up and just shook off the sperm,
And said, "Not bad, boy, but now it's my turn."
She grabbed his cock and gave it a twist,
A fresh wad of cream oozed into her fist.
She stoked it with fury, she stoked it with lust,
She made him keep cumming until there was dust.
Well Pete tried for a hard-on, but his pecker was limp,
And all the ladies said, "Look, girls, Yukon Shrimp."
Yes, Pete was a howlin' and holdin' his balls,
But he said this is only the first of three falls.
12
He pumped up his pecker and aimed for her slit,
But even with a crowbar, ain't no way it would fit.
So he spit in his hand and he greased up his pole,
And he aimed it once more for her tight little hole.
But Tina just laid down and rolled over in the street,
Leaving Pete standing there slapping his meat.
"Roll over," yelled Pete. "I'll be fucked if I do," said Tina,
"You'll be cornholed if you don't," said Pete.
And cornholed she was, by a yard of Yukon cock,
When Pete was done humping, her intestines were shocked!
When all the boys asked him about his temendous feat,
He said, "Boys, I'm heading back up to the Yukon to beat my meat."
The Balls of O'Leary
("The Bells of St. Mary's ")
The balls of O'Leary, are wrinkled and hairy.
They're shaped and stately like the dome of St. Pauls.
The women all muster to view that great cluster,
Oh, they stand and they stare at that bloody great pair of O'Leary's
balls.
The Bells of Saint Mary
13
Balls To Your Partner
Oh, the king was in his counting house, counting out his wealth,
The queen was in the bedroom, playing with herself.
Chorus:
Balls to your partner, your ass against the wall.
If you've never been laid on a Saturday night, you've never been laid before.
Oh the bride was in the bedroom, explaining to the groom,
The vagina, not the rectum, was the entrance to the womb.
Chorus
Oh, the parson's wife, she was there, seated down in front,
A wreath of roses round her neck, a carrot up her cunt.
Chorus
Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over, there were four and twenty less.
Chorus
Oh, the villiage parson he was there, and very surprised to see,
Four and twenty maidens hanging from a tree.
Chorus
Oh the parson's daughter she was there, she had them all in fits,
Diving off the mantle piece and landing on her tits.
Chorus
They were fucking in the haylofts, fucking in the ricks,
You could not hear the music from the slushing of the pricks.
Chorus
They were fucking in the barley, they were fucking in the oats,
Some were fucking sheeps and some were fucking goats.
Chorus
Oh, the villiage craftsman he was there, his hammer and his awls,
Talking to the queen and showing off his balls.
Chorus
They were fucking in the parlors, fucking on the stairs
You couldn't see the carpets through the cum and pubic hairs.
Chorus
Little Tommy he was there, but he was only eight.
He was too young to join the fun, so he had to masturbate.
Chorus
The villiage prostitute was there, just lying on the floor,
And everytime she spread her legs, the suction closed the door.
Chorus
The villiage vicker he was there, wrapped up in a shroud,
Hanging from a chandalier, and pissing on the crowd.
Chorus
14
The villiage idiot he was there, doing this and doing that,
Amusing himself by abusing himself, and catching it in his hat.
Chorus
The villiage blacksmith he was there, with balls made out of
brass,
Everytime he took a step, sparks shot out his ass.
Chorus
The villiage school marm she was there, she was doing quite a
stunt,
Sliding down the bannister and whistling through her cunt.
Chorus
The villiage idiot he was there, making like a fool,
Pulling his foreskin over his head and whistling through his tool.
Chorus
Oh, the villiage butcher he was there, cleaver in his hand,
And everytime he turned around, he circumsized a man.
Chorus
Oh, the villiage cripple he was there, not doing very much,
He lined them up against the wall and fucking 'e m with his crutch.
Chorus
And when the ball was over, and the folks went home to rest,
They said they enjoyed the music, but the fucking was the best.
Chorus
Bang, Bang Lulu
Some girls work in factories, some girls work in stores,
Lulu works behind a bar with fifty other whores.
Chorus:
Bang, bang Lulu, Lulu bang, bang,
What'll we do for bangin', when Lulu's dead and gone?
Wish I was a finger on Lulu's little hand.
Every time she wiped her ass, I 'd see the promised land.
Chorus
Lulu had a baby, she named it Sonny Jim.
She threw it in the pisspot to teach him how to swim.
Chorus
Lulu had a baby, she had it on a rock,
She couldn't call it Lulu 'cause the bastard had a cock.
Chorus
Last time I saw Lulu, I haven't seen her since,
She was sucking off a client through a barbed wire fence.
Chorus
Wish I was a pisspot, under Lulu's bed,
15
Every time she stopped to pee, I 'd see her maidenhead.
Chorus
Rich girls use a Kotex, poor girls use a rag,
Lulu's cunt is so damn big she uses a burlap bag.
Chorus
Rich girls use a Kotex, poor girls use a sheet,
Lulu don't use anything, it drips onto her feet.
Chorus
Barnacle Bill the Sailor
Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door? Said the fair young maiden.
It's me and the crew and we've come to screw, said Barnacle Bill
the Sailor.
It's me and the crew and we've come to screw, said Barnacle Bill the
Sailor.
Who's that knocking at my door? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
Open the door, you fucking whore, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
(x2)
Who will take me to the dance? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
To hell with the dance and drop your pants, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. (x2)
What's that thing between your legs? (x3) Said the fair young
maiden.
It's just me pole to stick in your hole, said Barnacle Bill the
Sailor. (x2)
What's that stuff around your pole? (x3) Said the fair young
maiden.
It's only me grass to tickle your ass, said Barnacle Bill the
Sailor. (x2)
What's that dripping down your leg? (x3) Said the fair young
maiden.
It's just the shot that missed your twat, said Barnacle Bill the
Sailor. (x2)
What if Ma and Pa should come home early? (x3) Said the fair
young maiden.
I'll fuck your Ma and kill your Pa, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
(x2)
What if we should have a boy? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
He'll go to sea and be like me, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. (x2)
What if we should have a girl? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
(x2)
What if we should have twins? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
I'll open your crack and shove them back, said Baracle Bill the Sailor. (x2)
What if we should go to jail? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
I'll pick the lock with me ten foot cock, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. (x2)
16
What if that should ever fail? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
I'll knock down the wall with me ten ton balls, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
What if that should ever fail? (x3) Said the fair young maiden.
We'll get on the floor and do it some more, said Barnacle Bill the Sailor. (x2)
Beastiality
( "Tie Me Kangaroo Down ")
Beastiality's great, mate, beastiality's
Beastiality's great, mate, beastiality's
In the ear of a deer, mate...
Put your log in a dog, mate...
Shove your tool in a mule, mate...
On the mat with a cat, mate...
In the tail of a snail, mate...
Go to sleep with a sheep, mate...
On the rug with a slug, mate...
Have a fuck with a duck, mate...
Fellatio with a rhino...
Push the turd of a bird, mate....
Shove your cock in a hawk, mate....
Suck the menstrual flow from a crow,
great, fuck a wallaby,
great.
Put your sperm in a worm, mate....
Shoot your load in a toad, mate....
Slam your ham in a lamb, mate...
Down the throat of a goat, mate....
Up the ass of a bass, mate....
In the crack of a yak, mate....
In the rear of a deer, mate....
Put the slam on a clam, mate...
Up the hole of a mole. mate...
Up the sphinctor of a panther , mate...
Put your dinger in a stinger, mate....
mate...
Tie Me Kangaroo Down
17
Blood Upon The Risers
("Battle Hymn Of The Republic")
He was just a rookie trooper and he surely shook with fright,
As he checked all his equipment and made sure his pack was tight.
He had to sit and listen to those awful engines roar,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus:
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die,
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die,
Gory, gory, what a helluva way to die,
And he ain;t gonna jump no more.
"Is everybody happy?" cried the sergeant looking up,
Our hero feebly answered, "Yes," and then they stood him up,
He jumped into the icy blast, his static line unhooked,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
He counted loud, he counted long, he waited for the shock.
He felt the wind, he felt the cold, he felt the awful drop.
The canopy became his shroud, he hurtled to the ground,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
The risers swung around his neck, connectors cracked his dome,
Suspension lines were tied in knots, around his skinny bones,
Chorus
The silk from his reserve silled out and wrapped around his legs,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
The days he'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through
his mind,
He thought about the girl back home, the one he'd left behind.
He thought about the medics and he wondered what they'd find.
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
The ambulance was on the spot, the jeeps were running wild.
The medics all clapped their hands, rolled up their sleeves and smiled.
For it had been a week or more since last a chute had failed.
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
He hit the ground, the sound was splat, the blood went spurting
high.
His buddies all were heard to say, "A helluva way to die."
He lay there rolling round in the welter of his gore,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
18
There was blood upon the risers, there were brains upon the chute,
Intestines were a'danglin' from his paratrooper suit.
The medic gently picked him up and poured him from his boots,
And he ain't gonna jump no more.
Chorus
Battle Hymn of the Republic
19
Bloody Great Wheel
A pilot once told me before he died, and I don't think that the
bastard lied,
He had a wife with a cunt so damn wide, that she could never be
satisfied.
So he invented a big prick of steel, driven by a bloody great wheel,
Two balls of brass all filled with cream,
And the whole fucking thing was driven by steam.
Round and round went that bloody great wheel,
In and out went that prick made of steel,
'Til at last this maiden did cry, "Enough, enough, I'm satisfied!"
Now we come to the bitter bit, there was no way of stopping it,
She was torn from her ass to her tit,
And the whole fucking issue was covered with shit.
Blow Job
( "Blue Moon")
Boppity-bop-bop a dang-dang-dang a ding-a-dong ding dong
Blow job...You leave me gasping for air.
I 'd like to come in mid-air and rub it into your hair.
Boppity-bop-bop a dang-dang-dang a ding-a-dong ding dong
Cunnilingus...I'd like to give you repast.
You'd suck a fart from my ass, you've got so goddamn much class.
And when you put your lips to my sweet penis,
I 'd like to get something stiff between us,
You make me dream of passion on Venus,
And the way that you grease up your anus!
Boppity-bop-bop a dang-dang-dang a ding-a-dong ding dong
Blow job...You keep me gasping for air.
I 'd like to come in mid-air and rub it into your hair.
Boppity-bop-bop a dang-dang-dang a ding-a-dong ding dong
Blow Job!!
20
Blow The Man Down
Blow the man down, Inga, blow the man down, Yoho, blow the man
down,
Blow the man down, Ute, blow the man down, Steffi, go blow the man
now.
You all better swallow, you'd better not spit, Yoho, blow the man
down,
Lick all the cum drops, omit all the shit, Steffi, go blow the man
now.
Suck on his balls now and eat out his ass, Yoho, blow the man
down,
Show all the Tigers you've got lots of class, Steffi, go blow the
man now
Brassiere
( "Blue Moon")
Brassiere, you hold the things I love so dear,
But when you stick them in my ear, it sends my heart in second gear, brassiere...
Your thighs, when parted right between my eyes,
It's only then I realize, I have a rise in my Levis, your thighs...
Rhythm:
Bass - Cunt, fuck cunt, fuck (Repeat for entire song)
Rhythm #1 - Suck that tit, bite that nipple off (Repeat)
Rhythm #2 - Stick it in and pull it out again (Repeat)
Bye Bye Cherry
("Bye Bye Blackbird")
Back your ass against the wall, here I come balls and all, bye,
bye cherry.
I know I ain't got a lot, but what I got will fill your twat, bye
bye cherry.
I took her to my cottage in the wild woods,
And there I took advantage of her childhood.
Oh my God, it was nice, cherry bye bye.
Won't your mother be disgusted when she finds your cherry has been busted,
Bye bye cherry,
Wrap your legs a little tighter, I can feel my load is gettin' lighter.
Shake your ass and wiggle your tits 'til my little pecker spits,
Cherry bye bye.
By The Light
( "B y The Light of the Silvery Moon")
By the light, ssh, ssh, ssh—-ssh, ssh, ssh,
Of the flickering match, ssh, ssh, ssh—-ssh, ssh, ssh,
I saw her snatch, ssh, ssh, ssh—-ssh, ssh, ssh,
21
In the watermelon patch, oh yeah.
By the light, ssh, ssh, ssh—ssh, ssh, ssh,
Of the flickering match, ssh, ssh, ssh—ssh, ssh, ssh,
I saw her gleam, I heard her scream,
"You're burning my snatch," ssh, ssh, ssh—ssh, ssh, ssh,
"With your goddam match!"
Chunder in the Old Pacific Sea
I was down on Bandai Pier, sipping tubes of ice cold beer,
And I had a dozen prawns upon my knee.
When I finished the last prawn, had a technicolor yawn,
And I chundered in the old Pacific Sea.
Chorus:
Bring it up, bring it up, bring it up, throw it up, throw it up,
throw it up,
Have another dozen tubes and prawns with me.
If you want to throw you voce, mate, you've got no fucking choice,
Than to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.
I was swimming on the surf, with a mate of mine called Murph,
And he had a dozen tubes and prawns with me.
Well, he barely finished it, when he went for a big spit,
And he chundered in the old Pacific Sea.
Chorus
I've had liquid laughs in bars and I've hurled from moving cars,
And I've chundered when and where it pleases me,
But if I could choose the spot to regurgitate the lot,
I would chunder in the old Pacific Sea.
Chorus
I was down in Sydney town, throwing tubes of Fosters down,
When a sheila came along and accosted me
Well, I hurled upon her bum, I was just about to come,
When I chundered in the old Pacific Sea.
Chorus
Cold Winter's Evening
Twas a cold winters evening, the guests were all leaving,
O'Leary was closing the bar,
When he turned and he said to the lady in red,
"Get out, you can't stay where you are."
She shed a tear in a bucket of beer,
As she thought of the cold night ahead,
When a gentlemen dapper stepped out of the crapper,
And these are the words that he said.
22
"Her mother never told her the things a young girl should know
About the ways of fighter pilots,
And how they come and go (mostly come)."
Now age has taken her beauty and sin has left its sad scar,
So remember your mothers and sisters, boys,
And let them sleep under the bar.
Come and Join The Air Force
Come and join the Air Force, we're a happy band they say,
We never do a lick of work, just fly around all day.
While others work and study hard and soon grow old and blind,
You'll take to the air without a care and you will never mind.
Chorus:
You'll never mind, you'll never mind,
Oh come join the Air Force and you will never mind.
Promotions come upon you just as high as you desire,
You're riding on the gravy train when you're an Air Force flyer.
But just when you're about to be a general, you'll find,
The engines cough, the wings fall off, and you will never mind.
Chorus
One day you'll loop and spin her with an awful tear,
You'll find yourself without your wings but you will never care.
For in about two minutes more, another pair you'll find,
You'll fly with Pete and his angels sweet and you will never mind.
Chorus
You're flying across the ocean when you hear the engine spit,
You see the prop come to a stop, the goddamn engine's quit,
The ship won't float, you cannot swim, the shore is miles behind,
You'll be a dish for happy fish, but you will never mind.
Chorus
I'm flying in my Eagle jet along the Danish shore,
I'm loyal to the Air Force, but I'm rotten to the core.
I've only got to engines, Jack, and if those bastards quit,
It'll be up there by itself, 'cause I'm the kind to git.
Chorus
23
Maybe you'll ride the gravy train in administrative work,
Let the other guys light up the skies, why should you be a jerk?
You'll meet that higher officer to whom you've been assigned,
With your nose in place, not on your face, you will never mind.
Chorus
Come and Join the Air Force
Dear Mom
Knock, knock...Who's there?...Western Union....
A telegram for me? Would you sing it for me? I've never had a singing telegram before.
Ma'am, I don't think this is the kind of telegram you should sing.
Sing it!!!!
Well, O.K. Here it goes....
Dear Mom, your son is dead, he bought the farm today,
He crashed his OV-10 on Ho Chi Minh's highway.
He made a rocket pass, and then he busted his ass.
Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
He went across the fence to see what he could see,
And there it was as plain as it could be.
24
There was a truck on the road, with a big heavy load,
Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
He got right on the horn, and gave the DASC a call,
"Give me air, I've got a truck that's stalled."
The DASC said, "That's alright, I'll send you Tiger flight."
FOR WE ARE THE POWER!
The fighters checked right in, gunfighters two by two,
Low on gas and tanker overdue.
They asked the FAC to mark. just where the truck was parked,
Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
The Bronc, he rolled right in, with his smoke to mark,
Exactly where that fucking truck was parked.
But the rest is in doubt, because he never pulled out,
Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
(with reverence)
Dear Mom, your son is dead, he bought the farm today,
He crashed his OV-10 on Kim Il Sung's highway.
He made a rocket pass, and then he busted his ass,
Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
Dear Son, your Mom is dead, she bought the farm today,
She crashed her Oldsmobile on the interstate highway.
It was a truck that she passed, when she busted her ass,
Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
Son's coming home in a body bag, doo daa, doo daa,
Son's coming home in a body bag, oh da doo da day.
Mother fucker's dead, ate a piece of lead,
Son's coming home in a body bag, oh da doo da day.
Him, him, fuck him. How did he go? Straight in!
What was he doin'? 351. Hell of a deal. Whoooooo-eeeee!!
Do Your Balls Hang Low?
( "March Of The Tin Soldiers")
Tiddly winks young man, get a woman if you can,
If you can't get a woman get a clean old man.
From the lofty heights of Malta to the rock of Gibraltar,
Can you do the double shuffle with your balls in a can?
Do your balls hang low, do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder like a European soldier?
Do your balls hang low?
In the days of old when knights were bold, they shit right in their britches,
25
They wiped their ass with broken glass, those tough old sons-of-bitches.
Do your balls hand tight? Can you hide them in a fight?
Can you tuck them 'neath your arm? Can you keep them out of sight?
Are they tough enough to buckle up another man's hard knuckles?
Do your balls hang tight?
In days of old when knights were bold and women wore mere
trifles,
They hung their balls upon the walls and shot them down with rifles.
Do your balls hang loose? As loose as a goose?
Can you slide them down the hall? Can you bounce them off the
wall?
Does it ever make you stammer when you hit them with a hammer?
Do your balls hang loose?
In days of old when knights were bold and women weren't
particular,
They bound them up against the wall and fucked them perpendicular.
Do your balls hang down? Way down to the ground?
Can you slide them on the ice? Can you crack them in a vice?
Does it make your breath come quick when you stick them with a pick?
Do your balls hang down?
In days of old when knights were bold, they all wore leather
britches,
They beat their pricks with hickory sticks and yelled like sons-of
-bitches!
The Eagle Driver
Beside the German Autobahn, the Eagle Driver lay,
His parachute was all in shreds, his helmet shot away.
His Eagle burned by a nearby tree, but he was not yet quite dead,
So listen to the story that the Eagle driver said:
He said, "I'm going to a better land, where everything's all
right,
Where whiskey flows from telegraph poles, play poker every night.
And all there is to do all day is sit around and sing,
The crewchiefs are all women. Oh, Death, where is thy sting?"
Oh, Death, where is thy sting? (ding-a-ling)
Oh, Death, where is thy sting? (ding-a-ling)
The bells of hell may ring-a-ling-ling for you but not for me.
Oh ring-a-ding a-ding-ding, blow it out your ass.
Ring-a-ding a-ding-ding, blow it out your ass, (and singing)
Ring-a-ding a-ding-ding, blow it out your ass.
Better days are coming by and by, bullshit!
26
Eifel Lament
( "Let It Snow")
When the weather outside is frightful, and your life depends on
Eifel,
Unless flying is a last resort, ground abort, ground abort, ground
abort.
When you finally leave the ground and the weather is three
hundred and one,
You'd better be hanging around, 'cause Eifel if powered by the sun.
Well, the weather forecast is pretty, but the skies outside are shitty.
When the ball lands in your court, ground abort, ground abort, ground abort.
Airborne on the AD two one, you'd better not go very far.
A four-ship is not much fun with our solar powered PAR.
Back in the traffic pattern, you're sure to file a HATR,
If you fly you'll soon be a mort, ground abort, ground abort, ground abort.
Fighter Pilots
("If You 're Happy and You Know It")
Oh there are no fighter pilots down in hell,
Oh there are no fighter pilots down in hell,
Oh the place is full of queers, navigators, bombardiers,
But there are no fighter pilots down in hell.
Chorus
Chorus:
Singin' glorious, victorious, one keg of beer for the four of us,
Singin' glory be to God that there are no more of us,
'Cause one of us could drink it all alone.
Damn near, pass the beer to the rear of the squadron!
Chorus
Oh there are no fighter pilots in the States,
Oh there are no fighter pilots in the States,
They are off on foreign shores, making mothers out of whores,
Oh there are no fighter pilots in the States.
Chorus
Oh there are no fighter pilots in Japan,
Oh there are no fighter pilots in Japan,
They are all across the bay, getting shot at every day,
Oh there are no fighter pilots in Japan.
Chorus
27
Oh there are no fighter pilots up in wing,
Oh there are no fighter pilots up in wing,
The place is full of brass, sitting round on their fat ass,
Oh there are no fighter pilots up in wing.
Chorus
Oh there are no fighter pilots in the Navy,
Oh there are no fighter pilots in the Navy,
They're all in BOQs, reading Nav Air News,
Oh there are no fighter pilots in the Navy.
Chorus
Oh there are no bomber pilots in the fray,
Oh there are no bomber pilots in the fray,
They're all at USO's, wearing ribbons, fancy clothes,
Oh there are no bomber pilots in the fray.
Chorus
Oh the bomber pilot's life is just a farce,
Oh the bomber pilot's life is just a farce,
With the auto-pilot on, reading Playboy on the john,
Oh the bomber pilot's life is just a farce.
Chorus
Oh the bomber pilot never takes a dare,
Oh the bomber pilot never takes a dare,
His gyros are uncaged, and his women overaged,
Oh a bomber pilot never takes a dare.
Chorus
You can tell a navigator by his ass,
You can tell a navigator by his ass,
Oh it's forty inches wide, getting wider every ride,
You can tell a navigator by his ass.
Chorus
Oh an airline pilot's life is mighty fine,
Oh an airline pilot's life is mighty fine,
Flying in the friendly skies, putting hands on friendly thighs,
Oh an airline pilot's life is mighty fine.
Chorus
Oh it's naughty, naughty, naughty, but it's nice,
If you ever do it once, you'll do it twice,
It'll wreck your reputation, but increase the population,
Oh it's naughty, naughty, naughty, but it's nice.
Chorus
When a bomber pilot walks into our club, When a bomber pilot
walks into our club,
He don't drink his share of suds. All he does is flub his dub.
Oh, there are no fighter pilots down in hell!!
Chorus
28
Fighter Pilots Eat Pussy
Chorus:
Aye, yi, yi, yi...
1st - Fighter pilots eat pussy...
2nd - Your mother swims after troop ships...
3rd - Your sister eats bat shit off cave walls...
4th - Your grandmother douches with drano...
5th - Your mother licks moose cum off pine cones...
6th - Your mother does squat thrusts on fireplugs...
7th - In China they do it for chili...
8th - Your sister chews lice off of scrotums...
9th - Your father refills cream donuts...
10th- Your sister eats eel sperm off driftwood...
11th- Your grandma flies better than you do...
12th- You can't say fuck in the O'Club...
13th- Your grandpa sucks old swollen tampons...
14th- Your sister sucks sperm off of sand crabs...
15th- Your flight suit smells like a goat fart...
16th- Your mother mauls monkeys in Morocco...
17th- Your father fucks frogs in the forest...
18th- Your grandma eats toe-jam from crockodiles...
19th- Your brother pukes twice a day and eats it....
20th- Your sister sucks boils off of buffaloes...
21st- Your father eats lunch at the sperm bank...
22nd- Your brother jacks off in confession...
23rd- Your mother's best friend is a carrot...
...So let's have another verse that's worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willy.
Verses:
There once was a man from Boston, who traded his car for an Austin.
There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas, but his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
Chorus
There was a young man from Dundee, who buggered an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid, all ass and no forehead, three balls, and a purple goatee.
Chorus
There once was a girl from St. Paul, who went to a masquerade
ball,
She had the affront, to go as a cunt, and got screwed by a dog in
the hall.
Chorus
There was a young lady from Decauter, who was screwed by a big
alligator,
Nobody knew the results of the screw, 'cause after he laid her he
ate her.
Chorus
There once was a man of class, whose balls were made of brass,
When they swung together, they played Stormy Weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.
Chorus
There was a young lady named Esther, who said to the man who undressed her,
29
"If you don't mind, use the hole from behind, the front one's beginning to fester."
Chorus
There once was a young man from Sparta, who was the world champion farter,
On the strength of one bean,
He played "God Save the Queen" and Beethovens ' "Moonlight Sonata."
Chorus
There once was a young man named Clyde, who fell in an outhouse
and died,
Likewise his brother, who fell in another, and now they're interred
side by side.
Chorus
There once was a man from Rangoon, who was born by the light of the moon.
He had not the luck, to be born by a fuck, but a wet dream scooped up in a spoon. -
Chorus
There once was a man from Dakota, who wouldn't pay a whore what
he owed her. -
So with great savoir faire, she climbed in a chair, and pissed in
his whiskey & soda .'
Chorus
There once was a boy from Baclaridge, and he was his parents
disparage,
He sucked off his brother, and went down on his mother,
And ate up his sister's miscarriage.
Chorus
The bride of a farmer named Zaker, was poked in her bed by the
baker,
The baker cried, "What, you call this a twat?
Why the entrance is more than an acre."
Chorus
There was a man from St. James, who played most unusual games.
He lit up a match to his grandmother's snatch,
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
Chorus
Cried an overhung fellow named Bowen, "My pecker keeps growin'
and growin',
It's got so tremendous, so long and stupendous, it's no good for
fuckin' just showin'.
Chorus
There's once was a girl named Flo Varden, who went down on a guy
in the garden.
He said, "Listen, Flo, where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(Gulp) Beg your parden?"
Chorus
There once was a pilot named Paul, whose cock was the longest of all,
This appendage of his, got him into show biz, with a royal performance on call.
Chorus
Now Paul found there's trouble in fame, every whore in the
villiage knew his name.
And their unhidden fear, of his fantastic gear, put a halt to old
Paul's favorite game.
Chorus
Now in hopes of relief to Seoul he went, our pilot, Paul, with his dick bent,
And though folded in half, the whores still feared his shaft, and the bend in his tool made a
Chorus
30
In Pusan, with a girl to his taste, Paul dropped his drawers and
entered in haste,
But he didn't unfold, when he entered her hole,
And he spilled his whole wad, what a waste!
Chorus
There once was a pilot from K-2, who buggered a girl down in Taegu.
He said to the doc, as he handed him his cock, "Will I lose both my testicles, too?"
Chorus
In the garden of Eden sat Adam, with his hand on the butt of his
madam,
He chuckled with mirth, for he knew on this earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
Chorus
There was an old hermit named Dave, who kept a dead whore in his
grave.
He said, "I'll admit, I'm a bit of a shit, but think of the money
I'll save."
Chorus
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno, said, "Fucking is one thing I do
know,
All women are fine, and sheep are devine, but llamas are numero
uno!"
Chorus
There once was a captain named Tuck, who went in the ville for a
fuck.
He spread open her legs, found ten cockroach eggs, three boogers,
Some scabs, and green muck.
Chorus
Now later when Tuck wiped his chin, he smiled and said with a
grin,
"Didn't take her to heart, till she sprayed out a fart,
That tasted like bird shit and gin."
Chorus
There once was a man from New Brighton, who said, "My dear, you've a
tight one."
She said, "Oh, my soul, you have the wrong hole.
It's the one up in front that's the right one."
Chorus
There once was a man from Trieste, who loved his wife with a zest.
Despite all her howls, he sucked out her bowels, and deposited the mess on her breast.
Chorus
I once asked a lady named Pott, "Why does sucking your tits make you hot?"
"Well if you must be blunt, it signals my cunt, that it's going to get what you've got."
Chorus
There was a young bishop from Birmingham,
Who diddled the nuns while confirming them.
He brought them indoors, slipped down their drawers,
And slipped his Episcopal worm in them.
Chorus
31
A fighter pilot named Tucker, while instructing a novice
cocksucker.
Said, "Don't puff 'em out like you're blowin' you're snout.
Be gentle and work with a pucker."
Chorus
There was a young man from Nottingham, who stood at the bridge at
Buckingham.
Just watching the stunt, of the cunts and the punks,
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em.
Chorus
A young preacher who was new to some, at persuasion was surely to
hum.
He preached fornication to the whole congregation,
And was washed down the aisle in cum.
Chorus
There was a young man from Kildair, who buggered his girl on the
stairs.
The bannister broke, he doubled the stroke, and finished her off in
midair.
Chorus
There was a lady from Gibralter, who accidentally fell into the water.
By her howls and her squeals, you could tell that the eels, had found her sexual quarter.
Chorus
There was a young queer from Khartoum, who took a young lesbian
to his room,
They argued all night as to who had the right, to do what, with
which, and with whom?
Chorus
Oh, the Romans had great spacious halls, in which they had sexual
brawls.
Which would last, so they say, for a week and a day.
There's no doubt the bastards had balls!
Chorus
There once was a man from Savannah, with a most peculiar manner,
He bored a hole in a telephone pole, and electrocuted his banana.
Chorus
There was a young girl from St. Paul, who wore a newspaper dress
to the ball.
Her dress caught fire and burned her entire, front page, sports
section and all.
Chorus
There was a man named McGruder, who wooed a nude in Bermuda,
Now the nude thought it was crude, to be wooed in the nude,
But McGruder was cruder, he screwed her.
Chorus
The once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep while in his canoe.
He dreamed about Venus and played with his penis, and woke with a handful of goo.
Chorus
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he
could suck it.
He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin, if my ear were a cunt
I could fuck it.
Chorus
There once was a farmer anmed Fritz, who planted an acre of tits.
They came up in fall, pink nipples and all, and he literally chewed them to bits.
Chorus
32
There once was a young man from Kent, whose dick was so long that
it bent.
To save himself trouble, he put it in double, and instead of
cumming, he went.
Chorus
There once was a man from Algiers, who screwed his wife under the
piers.
A fish came along and bit off his dong, so he ordered a new one from
Sears.
Chorus
There once was a girl named Alice, who used a dynamite stick for
a phallus.
They found her vagina, in South Carolina, and a piece of her hymen
in Dallas.
Chorus
There once was a girl from Norway, who hung by her heels in the
doorway.
She said with a grin, to her boyfriend, I think I've discovered one
more way.
Chorus
The was a professor from the Mall, who possessed a hexhydroginal
ball.
The square root its weight, plus his pecker times eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck all.
Chorus
There was a young man from Isis, who had balls of two different
sizes.
One was so small, it was nothing at all, the other was huge and won
prizes.
Chorus
There once was a girl from France, who boarded a train by chance.
The engineer fucked her, and so'd the conductor, and the brakeman went off in
Chorus
There once was a cock from the sticks, who didn't like cunts only
dicks.
He told MPC, find a place for me, now he's one of the boys checking
six.
Chorus
There once was a man from Bombay, who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
The heat of his prick turned the clay into brick, and rubbed all his foreskin away.
Chorus
There once was a monk from Mongolia, whose life just got lonlier
and lonlier.
One night just for fun, he took out a nun, and now she's a Mother
Superior.
Chorus
There once was a girl named Gail, between her tits was the price
of her tail.
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same
information in Braille.
Chorus
There once was a pirate named Bates, who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass, which rendered him nutless, and practically useless on dates.
Chorus
his pants.
33
The Flag
The flag flies high on the masthead.
We'll fight for the freedom of the Reich — Sieg Heil!!
No longer will we tremble against England's military might.
Chorus:
So give me your hand fraulein, your lilly whote hand, fraulein.
For tonight we fly against England, England,
England's island shores, island shores, island shores — Sieg Heil!!
And if I fall in battle, and sink to the bottom of the sea — Big
Splash!!
Remember this, my fraulein, my blood was shed for thee.
Chorus
Fox One In The Face
( "Strangers In The Night")
Fox one in the face, you never saw it.
Fox one in the face, you really bought it.
At the merge today, we blew your shit away.
Then we came back 'round, you had no S.A.
GCI was down, we came back to play.
Limas and gunshots, we finished off the rest.
TTiger jets at night, our hair's on fire.
Tiger jets at night, heroes for hire.
But when the sun goes down, we'll all be downtown,
Drinking with your wives and girlfirends, while you mend your little egos.
Next time that we meet, there'll be no question,
Who you'll have to beat, in any action,
No one fucks or fights like the Mighty Tigers at night!
34
Friggin' In The Riggin'
Aboard the good ship Venus, my God you should have seen us,
The figure head was a whore in bed and the mast an upright penis.
Chorus:
Friggin' in the riggin', friggin' in the riggin',
Friggin' in the riggin', there's fuck all else to do.
The captain of this lugger, by God he was a bugger.
He wasn't fit to shovel shit from one place to another.
Chorus
The first mate's name was Morgan, by God he was a gorgon,
Ten times a day he used to play upon his sexual organ.
Chorus
The second mate was Andy, he was so young and randy,
They boiled his bun in steaming rum for coming in the brandy.
Chorus
The midshipman's name was Nipper, he was a dirty ripper,
He filled his ass with broken glass to circumcise the skipper.
Chorus
The quartermaster was Pember, he had a crushing member.
On nights of frost, himself he tossed before a glowing ember.
Chorus
The bosun's name was Walker, he really was a corker,
The filthy man was on the lam for dalliance with a porker.
Chorus
The captain's wife was Mabel. Whenever she was able,
She'd fornicate with the second mate, uopn the gallery table.
Chorus
Once in a drunken frollic, the bosun lost a bollock,
With foul intent, on Mabel bent, he impaled it on a rowlock.
Chorus
The captain had a daughter, who fell into the water,
Delighted squeals revealed that eels had found her sexual quarter.
Chorus
The ship's dog's name was Rover, by God he was in clover,
We ground and ground that faithful hound, from Tenereefe to Dover.
Chorus
The crew, they were hard cases, you could see it in their faces,
They took to frigging in the rigging for want of better places.
Chorus
So drunk with exultation, we reached our China station,
And sunk the junk in a sea of spunk caused by mutual masturbation.
Chorus
35
G-Suits and Parachu
("Bell Bottom Trousers ",
Once there was a barmaid down in Brewery Lane,
Her master was so kind to her, her mistress was the same,
Along came a pilot, handsome as he could be,
He was the cause of all her misery!
Chorus:
Singing G-suits and parachutes and uniforms of blue,
He'll fly a fighter like his daddy used to.
Now in the morning before the break of day,
A five pound note he handed her, and this to her he did say:
"Take this my darling, for all the harm I've done,
For you may have a daughter and you may have a son.
If you have a daughter, put ribbons in her hair,
But if you have a son, get that bastard in the air!"
Chorus
Now the moral of my story as you can plainly see,
Is never trust a pilot an inch above your knee.
The barmaid trusted one and he went off to fly,
Leaving her a daughter to help the time go by.
Final Chorus:
Singing G-suits and parachutes and uniforms of blue,
She'll never fly a fighter like her daddy used to do!
Bell Bottom Trousers
36
utes
Gang Bang
Knock, knock....Who's there?....Anita....Anita who?
Chorus
I need a gang bang, and always will, because a gang bang gives me
such a thrill.
When I was younger and in my prime, I used to gang bang all the
time.
But now I 'm older and turning gray, I only gang bang once a day.
Karen
I need a fuck, I need a suck and ain't carin' who.
Gladiator
Gladiator out before I gang banged, I always will....
Ben Hur
I 'd Ben Hur over for a gang bang, I always will....
Eileen
Eileen over for a gang bang, I always will....
Emerson
Emerson nice tits, bitch. How'd you like to gang bang?....
Eisenhower
Eisenhower late to the gang bang, I always will....
Rhoda
I Rhoda hundred miles to the gang bang, I always will....
Wilma
I need to fuck but my zipper's stuck, will my finger do?
Banana
Banana nana, nananana, Nanananana nana nanana .....
Orange
Orange you glad I didn't say banana nana, nananana .....
Sheila
Sheila'ves to gang bang, she always will....
Wanda
I Wanda gang bang, I always will....
Euripedes
Euripedes clothes off for a gang bang, and always will....
37
Ghost Fuckers In The Sky
An old cowpoke went riding out one dark and windy day,
Stopped beneath a shady tree and paused to beat his meat,
When all at once a slant-eyed bitch came ridin' down the trail,
He stopped her and he asked her, "How 'bout a piece of tail?"
Chorus:
Yipee-yi-yaaaaaa, Yipee-yi-yoooooo,
Ghost fuckers in the sky.
Her tits were all a floppin', her cunt ate out with clap,
He socked it to her anyway and gave her ass a slap,
She shit, she moaned, she groaned, she threw him from her crack,
He rolled across the desert and broke his fucking back.
Goodnight, You Tiger Lad
( "Rockabye S weet Baby James")
There was a young Tiger who lived for the range,
A stick and a throttle were his favorite companions,
And Death he would saddle as he screamed down the canyons,
Living the fast life, his hair all aflame,
And as the moon rose he would pull back his fire,
Bring her on home, time to call it a day,
With engines shut down to the bar he'd retire,
With beer and guitar he would sit down and play,
A song that had nothing to say, except...
Chorus:
Goodnight, you Tiger Ladies, when I 'm flyin', I 'm feelin' no
pain,
A sky of blue is the color I choose, and if I ever go down in my
plane,
In my heart your love will remain.
38
ies
It was early December when in came the news,
The border'd been crossed and a war was a growin',
And the dice had been tossed, 4-5-6 was a showin',
This Tiger took off to pay Saddam his dues.
Nearing Key West with a MiG in his sights,
He hit the pickle button, watched the missile fly away,
The Mig, it blew up, but a SAM had been fired,
A small price of freedom was flying his way,
This Tiger won't be home today...
Chorus
(Upbeat)
Break to the right, there's a missile that's rising from four,
Pull it as tight as you dare and get ready for more.
Gotta hug the ridge tighter, our RHAW scope is flashing its ware,
Better hunker this fighter while I hold it, will you pop me a flare?
Hair is blown back, see the spike how it's fading at five,
Broken his track, tell our leader this Tiger's alive!
Engines are stroked, home as low and as fast as I dare,
But the only ones smoke was the son of...ran out of air.
We're goin' home!!!
We're goin' home!!!
We're goin' home!!!
(Slow)
There was a young Tiger who was no longer young,
He'd seasoned his life with the taste of his battle,
And now he thought of his wife as he sat in his saddle,
Just a few hundred miles between him and his home,
And the sun goin' down marked the day nearly over,
And the tail wind that blew carried him on his way.
In a couple of hours, she would lean on his shoulder,
And with a beer and guitar he would once again play,
That song that had nothing to say...
Chorus
Gumshoe Song
Walked into Finance, I wanna get paid. Gotta come back another day.
Paragraph D has to be signed, that's extension 4519.
But don't get us wrong, they're not all bad,
By the government system you're bound to be had,
Fill out papers 2 or 3 times, the energy we waste is a goddamn crime.
Chorus:
That's the way when you're on the ground,
To work half a day then you fuck around,
It's happenin' at Spang take a look around,
That's the way that the groundpounders pound.
39
Walked into MPF the other day, fucked up my orders, it's the
standard way,
They wouldn't hear what I had to say, the sergeant was on the rag
that day.
Col. Heitzig help us, we need your aid, we know you work harder than
you're paid,
But some of those people haven't got a clue, and we've talked 'til
our balls are blue.
Chorus
Walked into IEU the other day, need to get a flight suit in the
very worst way,
Take a number, stand in line, just pissin' away that government
time,
Finally, my turn, I gave 'em my paper, said, "We're all out, maybe
later,"
Put in an order, you'll get it in time, probably June of '99.
Chorus
Cops nailed the Tigers the other night, couldn't stand the words
of malice and spite,
Running for the title of Pounders of the Year, cops are out front,
in the clear.
Chorus
Hail Britannia
Hail, Britannia, marmalade and jam. Three Chinese crackers up her
asshole,
Bam, Bam, Bam.
Hail, Britannia, marmalade and jam. Two Chinese crackers up her
asshole,
Bam, Bam.
Hail, Britannia, marmalade and jam. One Chinese cracjer up her
asshole,
Bam.
Hail, Britannia, marmalade and jam. No Chinese crackers up her asshole.
He's A Dogshit Commie
He's a dogshit commie, thinking he's somebody,
And flying off to save the world another day.
Chorus:
He's a dogshit commie, waiting to be morted,
And have his face and asshole blown away.
Well, he launches every morning in his Tinkertoy jet Viper,
Flying off to make war upon the Eagles.
But he's flying, half dying, from the shooters that they fed him,
At the debrief he remembers nothing.
He swears every morning that tonight will be a health night,
So that he can survive tomorrow's mission.
But the Eagles are upon him, they've got him by the scrotum,
40
And when they've got your balls your mind will follow.
Chorus
Well, on the way back to the pattern with 9 G 's upon his
counter,
And no shots on his tape to save his money.
He knows that the promises he made himself this morning,
Will probably have to wait until tomorrow.
'Cause he's a dogshit commie, knowing he'll be counseled,
And have what's left of his asshole ate away.
Chorus x 2
Hey, Look Us Over
Hey, look us over, we are the boys, we fly around in supersonic toys,
Taxpayers money? Who gives a shit!
Whatever the weather, we'll kick the tires, light the fires, faster, higher.
If there's a war that needs to be won, we are the boys that will
surely get it done,
For we are the boys in black and gold and we will not live to be
old,
For we will fight and die for you.
Hey, look us over, we are the boys, we fly around in supersonic toys,
Taxpayers money? Who gives a shit!
We chase the women around the bar, and then we'll drink a little bit.
You know, it's gunning their brains out, none can compare,
Those raghead bastards shit their underwear.
When they think of the men that are gonna defend their cars and stereos,
We are the boys from the 53rd!!!
And if you don't like it, FUCK YOU!!!
Horse Shit
There was a friar of great renown,
There was a friar of great renown,
There was a friar of great renown,
Until he fucked a girl from out of town,
Fucked a girl from out of town.
Chorus:
Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, horse shit! That dirty old son-of-a-bitch!
That rotten old cocksucker! What'd he ever do for us? Nothing! Fuck him!
He laid her in a feather bed, (x3) and then twisted out her
maidenhead,
Twisted out her maidenhead.
Chorus
He laid her on a winding stair, (x3) and then he shoved it clear
up to there,
Shoved it clear up to there.
41
Chorus
He laid her down beside a stump, (x3) and then he missed her cunt
and hit the stump,
Missed he cunt and hit the stump.
Chorus
He laid her down beside a pond, (x3) and then he fucked her with
his magic wand,
Fucked her with his magic wand.
Chorus
He laid her on the dewy grass, (x3) and then he shoved his pecker
up her ass,
Shoved his pecker up her ass.
Chorus
She said, "Kind sir, decease and quit," (x3) and then he bit her
on the rosy tit,
Bit her on the rosy tit.
Chorus
He took her to the countryside, (x3) and then he fucked the girl
until she died,
Fucked the girl until she died.
Chorus
He took her to the burial ground, (x3) and then he thought he'd
have another round,
Thought he'd have another round.
Chorus
They buried her on Chestnut Street, (x3) and then sat on her
grave and beat his meat,
Sat on her grave and beat his meat.
Chorus
I Fucked A Dead Whore By The Roadside
( "M y Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean")
I fucked a dead whore by the roadside, I knew right away she was
dead.
Her skin was all gone from her tummy, the hair was all gone from her
head.
And as I lay down there beside her, I knew right away I had sinned.
So I pressed my lips to her sweet pussy, and sucked out the wad I 'd shot in.
Sucked out, sucked out, I sucked out the wad I 'd shot in, shot
in.
Sucked out, sucked out, I sucked out the wad I 'd shot in.
My one skin lies over my two skin. My two skin lies over my
three.
My threeskin lies over my fourskin. Oh bring back my foreskin to me.
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my foreskin to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my foreskin to me.
I fucked my crewchief in the intakes. I knew right away se gave
head.
The grease was all gone from her elbows. Her pinbag was over her
head.
42
And as I lay down there beside her, I knew right away I had sinned.
So I pressed my lips to her sweet pussy, and sucked out the FOD I 'd shot in.
Sucked out, sucked out, I sucked out the FOD I 'd shot in, shot
in.
Sucked out, sucked out, I sucked out the FOD I 'd shot in.
My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
43
I Love My Wife
I love my wife, yes I do, yes I do, I love her truly,
I love the little hole that she pisses through,
I love her ruby red lips and her lily white tits and her little brown asshole.
I 'd eat her shit, gobble, gobble, chomp, chomp, with a rusty spoon.
Incestuality
( "Beastiality")
Chorus:
Incestuality's great, mate, incestuality's great, fuck a
relative!
Incestuality's great, mate, incestuality's great...
Shoot your sunk in your unc', mate... Blow your top in your pop, mate...
Take a piss in your sis, mate... Nail your granny in the fanny, mate...
Get a blow from your bro, mate... Half a dozen with your cousin, mate...
Get a piece from your niece, mate... In the bum of your mum, mate...
Iraq
("I 'm Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover ")
I'm looking over a well-fought over Iraq that I abhor,
One for the camels, and two for the sand, Slick Willy said stay, but we want to go,
There's no way explaining why we're reamining.
We've got what we're fighting for.
The sand and the camels, we'll go down in the annals,
For staying forever more.
It's A Lie
By the ring around his eyeball, you can tell a bombardier,
You can tell a bomber pilot by the spread across his rear,
You can tell a navigator by his sextants, charts and such,
You can tell a fighter pilot, but you cannot tell him much!
Chorus:
It's a lie, it's a lie, you can tell the silly bastards it's a lie, lie, lie.
It's a lie, it's a lie, You can tell the silly bastards it's a silly fucking lie!
44
First lady forward and the second lady back,
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's crack,
Now all gather 'round to the center of the room,
Will the lady who just slugged kindly leave the fucking room?
Chorus
We fly our fucking fighter down at forty fucking feet,
Fly 'e m through the snow and even through the fucking sleet,
First you fly the fucker up and then you fly the fucker down,
And you'll be the first to know it when you hit the fucking ground!
Chorus
I Want To Play Piano In A Whore House
Oh, I want to play piano in a whore house, that is my one desire,
I don't want to be a miner or a farmer up in Butte,
I just want to play piano in a house of ill repute.
Don't laugh at this my one avocation, fornication's here to stay,
I don't care for fame or riches, just to play for those sweet
bitches,
I want to play piano in a whore house.
I Wanna Play Piano in a Whorehouse
45
Jingle Bells (USMC version)
Fuck , fuck, fuck...Fuck, fuck, fuck,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck...Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Oh! Fuck, fuck, fuck...Fuck, fuck, fuck,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck...Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Jolly England
(I don´t want to join the Air Force)
Oh, I don't want to join the Air Force. I don't want to go to war.
I just want to sit around Picadilly Underground, livin' off the earnings of my high-class
lady.
Monday, I touched her on the ankle.
Tuesday, I touched her on the knee.
Wednesday, success, I lifted up her dress.
Thursday, her panties I did see.
Friday, I put my hand upon it.
Saturday, she gave my balls a tweak.
But it was Sunday after supper, I rammed the old boy up her,
And now she gives me seven quid a week, gore Blimey!
Oh, I don't want to join the Air Force. I don't want me buttocks
shot away.
I just want to stay in England, in jolly, jolly, England,
And fornicate me bloody life away!
46
I Don't Want to Join the Air Force
47
Kotex Song
( "A s the Caissons Go Rolling Along")
You can tell by the smell that she isn't feeling well,
When the end of the month rolls around,
You can tell by her dance she has something in her pants,
When the end of the month rolls around.
Chorus:
For it's Hi, Hi, Hee at the Kotex factory,
Shout out your sizes loud and strong (Super, Junior, Band-Aid),
For where 'ere you go, the blood will always flow,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You know she'll be horny when she's on the cotton pony,
When the end of the month rolls along.
You can feel from her lovin' that she's leakin' hemoglobin',
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
If she's looking like the Joker, then you'd better not poke her,
When the end of the month rolls along.
If she's acting pretty sad, then you know she's on the pad,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
You can tell by the string, that there's something up her thing,
When the end of the month rolls along.
You can tell by the bed, that her little pussy bled,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
You can tell from the sight, that the taste will have a bite,
When the end of the month rolls along.
You can tell by the feel, that she's starting to congeal,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
How she turns, how she squirms, like she's got a case of worms,
When the end of the month rolls along.
You can tell by the stain, that you hit a major vein,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
You can tell by the stench, she's got something in her trench,
When the end of the month rolls along.
If the smells really heinous, you may have to use her anus,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
You can tell by her stress, that she's having PMS,
When the end of the month rolls along.
You can tell that she's sick, by the color of your prick,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
48
If she has a yeast infection, you'd better clean your erection,
When the end of the month rolls along.
She'll bleed on your rug, if you pull out your plug,
When the end of the month rolls along.
Chorus
Last Night
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated, it felt so good, I
knew it would.
Last night I stayed at home and masturbated, it felt so nice, I did
it twice.
Oh you should see me do it on the long strokes, it felt so neat,
I used my feet.
Oh you should see me do it on the short strokes, it felt so grand, I
used my hand.
Beat it! Smash it! Throw it on the floor! Wrap it around the bedpost, slam it in the door!
Some people think it's great to fornicate,
But I would rather stay at home at night and masturbate.
Lawn Dart Lament
( "A Tisket, A Tasket")
A tisket, a tasket, a single-engine basket,
They wrote a letter to my Mom and told her that I crashed it.
I crashed it, I crashed it, that lawn dart little basket,
I turned to final, the motor quit, and son-of-a-bitch I smashed it.
I smashed it, I smashed it, my little Tinker-toy little basket,
A two-turn spin, I torque-stalled in, oh, Jesus, how I crashed it.
49
Leprosy
( "Yesterday")
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I 'm not half the man I used to be, oh why did I get Leprosy?
Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss,
Now it hurts when I take a piss, oh why did I get Syphilis?
Why her box was sick, I don't know, she wouldn't say,
Now my dripping dick won't get thick like yesterday...
Yesterday, my dick was always coming out to play,
Now it needs two weeks to hide away, oh I sure wish it was yesterday....
Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to,
You say fanny, I say cunt!!!
Let's call the whole thing off,
To-may-to, to-mah-to, fanny, cunt,
Let's call the whole thing off.
Let's Have A Party
Parties make the world go 'round, world go 'round, world go
'round,
Parties make the world go 'round, let's have a party!
We're going to tear down the bar in the Officer's Club ........ BOOOOO!
But we're going to build us a new bar .......... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
Our bar's only going to be one foot wide ...... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
But it's going to be a mile long ......... ........... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
There will be no bartenders at our bar .......... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
Only barmaids .......... ........... .......... ........... .......... YAAAAY!
Our barmaids will wear long dresses ........... .......... BOOOOO!
Made of cellophane... ........... .......... ........... .......... YAAAAY!
Our barmaids will wear steel chastity belts... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
But every fighter pilot will have a key .......... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
Now, you can't take our barmaids to your bed ......... ........... BOOOOO!
They take you to their bed ..... .......... ........... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
You can't sleep with the barmaids.... ........... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
They don't let you sleep ........ .......... ........... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
50
Only one drink served per pilot ........ ........... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
Served in buckets ...... ........... .......... ........... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
We're going to take all the beer and throw it in the pool ...... BOOOOO!
Then we'll all go swimming.. .......... ........... .......... YAAAAY!
No girls allowed at the Officer's Club .......... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
With their clothes on. . .......... .......... ........... .......... YAAAAY!
There'll be no loving on the dance floor ....... .......... ........... BOOOOO!
And no dancing on the loving floor.. ........... .......... ........... YAAAAY!
Parties make the world go 'round, world go 'round, world go
'round,
Parties make the world go 'round, let's have a party!
Lily White Kidney Wipers
( "Ghost Riders In The Sky")
Oh the lady of the mansion was dressing for the ball,
When she spied the little peasant boy a pissing on the wall.
Chorus:
With his lily white kidney wiper and balls the size of these,
And a yard and a half of foreskin hangin' down below his knees.
So she wrote him a letter, and in it she did say,
"I'd rather be fucked by you than my husband any day."
Chorus
So he mounted his white charger and through the streets did ride,
With his balls slung o'er his shoulder and his cock lashed to his
side.
Chorus
He rode into the courtyard, he rode into the hall,
"My God," cried the butler, "He's come to fuck us all!"
Chorus
He fucked the cook in the kitchen, he fucked the maid in the
hall.
But when he fucked the butler, 'twas the dirtiest fuck of all.
Chorus
51
He fucked them in the parlor, he fucked them in the beds,
"Lord save us," cried the chambermaids, "We've lost our maidenheads!"
Chorus
Then he mounted his white charger and rode into the streets,
With little drops of semen pitter, patter at his feet.
Chorus
Some say he went to heaven, some say he went to hell.
Some say he fucks the devil and I know he fucks him well.
Chorus
The Little Bird
There was a little bird, no bigger than a turd, sitting on a telephone pole.
He ruffled up his neck, and he shit about a peck, he puckered up his little asshole.
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, he puckered up his little asshole.
The Little Brown Mouse
Oh the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor, and the bar was
closed for the night,
When out of his hole came a little brown mouse, and sat in the pale
moon light,
He lapped up the liquor on the barroom floor, and back on his
haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear him roar,
"Bring on that fucking cat! Hic, cat! Hic, cat!"
Little Red Light
("My Blue Heaven ")
A turn to the right, a little red light, will lead you to my red heaven.
You'll see a smiling face on a pillow case, a form devine.
Just a little old whore who's been screwed before a thousand times.
Just Molly and me, there'll never be three, we're careful in my red heaven.
52
Loaded, Too
( "Close To You")
Why do geeks suddenly appear every time I buy beer?
Just like me, they long to be loaded, too.
On the day that I got paid my buddies got together,
And decided to try and slime some brew,
So they bellied right up to the bar and waited for me to buy some brew.
That is why all the geeks in town follow me all around,
Just like me, they long to be loaded, too.
Lupe
( "Down In The Valley")
'Twas down in cunt valley, where piss rivers flow,
Where whore mongers flourish, and cock suckers grow.
'Twas there I met Lupe, the girl I adore,
She's my hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.
She got her first piece, at the young age of eight,
While swinging one day on the old garden gate.
The cross bar went out and the upright went in,
Ever since she has lived in a welter of sin.
She'll fuck you, she'll suck you, she'll gnaw on your nuts,
She'll wrap her legs 'round you and squeeze out your guts.
She'll fuck you, she'll suck you, 'til you think you'll die,
Oh, I 'd rather eat Lupe than Mom's apple pie.
Oh, Lupe, dear Lupe, lies dead in her tomb,
The worms crawl out of her decomposed womb,
But the smile on her face is a mute cry for more,
She my hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.
Down in the Valley
53
The Mailman Song
( "Bye Bye Blackbird")
I 'm so happy, I 'm so gay, 'cause I come twice a day, I 'm your
mailman.
Lift your knockers, ring your bell, makes you think I am swell, I 'm
your mailman.
I can come in any kind of weather, that's because my sack is made of
leather,
I don't mess with keys or locks, I just slip it in your box, I 'm
your mailman.
Mary-Ann Burns
Mary-Ann Burns is the queen of all the acrobats,
She can do tricks that would give a cat the shits,
She can roll a green pea around her fundamental orifice,
Do a double flip and catch it on her tits.
She's a great big Son-of-a-bitch, twice as big as me,
With hair around her asshole like branches on a tree,
She can swim, fish, fight, fuck, fly a jet, drive a truck,
Mary-Ann Burns is the girls for me!
54
Mary Had A Little Lamb
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow.
It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one
day,
It followed her to school one day, and a big, black dog fucked it.
Mary Had a Little Lamb
Mother Humper's Ball
Oh there's going to be a ball at the Mother Humper's Hall,
The witches and the bitches gonna be there all.
Now, honey don't be late, 'cause they're passing out pussy 'bout half past eight.
I've been bumping on the coast of Maine,
But the best place I ever saw was when I humped my mother-in-law,
Last Saturday night at the Mother Humper's Ball.
55
Mrs. Murphy
( "Red River Valley")
Oh take it in your hand, Mrs. Murphy, it only weighs a quarter of a pound,
It has hair 'round its neck like a turkey, and it spits when you rub it up and down.
Red River Valley
Music Man
I am the Music Man, I come from down your way, and I can play
All: What can you play?
I can play the F-4 driver
All: Fuckin' A I lost sight, lost sight, lost sight,
Fuckin' A I lost sight, lost sight, lost sight.
Other verses:
B-1 driver ...... ........... My wing won't work
F-16 driver ..... ........... I blacked out
F-14 driver ..... ........... My pussy hurts
A-10 driver.... ........... Leavin' today, get there next week
Fulcrum driver ........... .......... Outta gas
Michael Jackson ........ .......... My hair's on fire
Eagle Driver .. ........... Kickin' Ass / I can play the picallo
Shit house door .......... .......... Bang-a-bang-a-bang-a-bang
(Always last)
Sperm Whale. . .......... (Drink some beer and spray)
...
56
My Girl
( "March of the Tin Soldiers")
The nipples on her tits are as big plums,
The wiggle in her ass would make a dead man come,
She's a mean mother-fucker, she's a great cocksucker,
she's my girl, she fucks.
My Father Was A Fireman
Clang, clang, clang, and the goddamn fire went out.
Oh to be a fireman, to drive a fire engine red.
To say to a team of white horses, "Give me head, give me head, give me head!"
My father was a fireman, he puts out fires...
My brother was a fireman, he puts out fires...
My sister, Sal, was a fireman's gal, she puts out, too...without her pants on.
And stink? God damn ptooey!
My father was a bus driver, he goes downtown...
My brother was a bus driver, he goes downtown...
My sister, Sal, was a bus driver's gal, she goes down, too...without her pants on.
And stink? God damn ptooey!
My father was a telephone repairman, he climbs up poles...
My brother was a telephone repairman, he climbs up poles...
My sister, Sal, was a telephone repairman's gal, she climbs poles, too...
Without her pants on...
And stink? God dman ptooey!
My father was a horticulturist, he pulls up roots...
My brother was a hoticulturist, he pulls up roots...
My sister, Sal, was a hoticulturist's gal, she pulls roots, too...
Without her pants on...
And stink? God damn ptooey!
57
My father was an anesthesiologist, he passes gas...
My brother was an anesthesiologist, he passes gas...
My sister, Sal, was an anesthesiologist's gal, she farts a lot...
Without her pants on...
And stink? God damn ptooey!
My father was an A-10 driver, he drives Hogs...
My brother was an A-10 driver, he drives Hogs...
My sister, Sal, was an A-10 drivers gal, she rides Hogs, too...
Without her pants on...
And stink? God damn ptooey!
My God How The Money Rolls In
( "M y Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean")
My father makes rum in the bathtub, my mother makes two kinds of
gin,
My sister makes love for a living, my God how the money rolls in!
Chorus:
Rolls in, rolls in, my God how the money rolls in, rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in, my God how the money rolls in.
My brother's a poor missionary, he saved little girlies from sin,
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, my God how the money rolls in!
Chorus
My father died in the bathtub, my mother died in her gin,
My sister she married my brother, my God what a mess I am in.
58
My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean
59
My Grandfather's Cock
("My Grandfather's Clock")
My grandfather's cock was too long for his slacks,
So it drug ninety years on the floor.
It was longer by half than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a penny weight more.
It was found on the morn of the day he was born,
But it drooped, wilted, never to rise again, when the old man died.
Ninety years without limbering. What a cock! What a cock!
But it drooped, wilted, never to rise again when the old man died.
My Grandfather's Cock
60
My Husband's A Colonel
My husbands a colonel, a colonel. a colonel,
A very fine colonel is he.
All day he fucks off, he fucks off, he fucks off,
And at night he comes home and fucke me.
Chorus:
Sing a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band, follow the
band, follow the band,
Sing a little bit, fuck a little bit, follow the band. Come join in
our happy song.
An LC, Chews ass ............ ............. Chews me
A Major, Screws up ......... ............. Screws me
A Captain, Kisses ass ....... ............. Kisses me
A Lieutenant, Eats shit ..... ............. Eats me
A MAC Puke, Bores holes ............. Bores me
A pounder, Beats pud ....... ............. Beats off
My Way
And now, the end is near, and as I face the final curtain,
I lost my outbaord tanks, my burner cans, my wings I 'm certain,
I planned the mission well, I briefed to fly right down the highway,
But I flew to low and scraped them off along the highway.
Regrets, I've had a few, they disapproved my last extension,
They've cast a jaundiced eye upon the need for my retention,
I flew the day before, I logged my time, not in a shy way,
I guess I should have logged much more, but I did it my way.
Well, there were times, I 'm sure you knew, when you were good,
but I was, too,
We BFM'ed, you had your doubts, but on the tapes, I 'd gunned your
brains out,
Today that's changed, I skipped my jet right off the highway.
I've loved, I've laughed, I've cried, I've had my fill, my share
of losing,
And now they say I've lied, but I don't care, it's so amusing,
My boss discussed the flight, how low I went along the highway,
But I just said, I used my head, and did it my way.
But I've got to stand on my own two feet, so keep your kids off
of the street,
I've got to fly, and fight, and sing, to keep my cool and do my
thing,
I'll cross the seas, and may kill some trees, but I'll do it my way!
61
No Balls At All
( "S weet Betsy From Pike")
There once was a girl named Sarah McFox,
With hair on her chest and cheese in her box,
She married a man named Patrick McCall,
With a very short peter and no balls at all.
Chorus:
No balls at all, no balls at all.
A very short peter and no balls at all.
The very first night that they were wed,
They took off their clothes and went straight to bed,
She reached for his pecker, it was very small,
She reached for his balls, he had no balls at all.
Chorus
"Now mother, dear mother, oh what shall I do?
I've married a man who never can screw.
I reached for is pecker, it was very small,
I reached for his balls, he had no balls at all."
Chorus
"Oh daughter, dear daughter, don't you be sad.
It was the same trouble I had with your dad.
There's many a fighter pilot who will come to the call,
Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all."
Chorus
The daughter went home, took her mother's advice,
And found the results exceedingly nice.
A bouncing young baby was born in the fall,
To the wife of a man who had no balls at all.
Choru
North of ACMI
( "Ghost Riders In The Sky")
Here's a story about a Tiger flight in Holland one fine day,
An hour late for takeoff as he got on the runway,
He could barely see the centerline thru all the fog and rain,
And he didn't know the devil'd put a curse upon his plane.
Chorus:
Yipee-yi-yaaaa, Yipee-yi-yeeee, Tigers, T-D-Y.
Well, he lit both afterburners and he roared off through the fog,
Thinking 'bout his training squares and the time that he would log,
As the airspeed reached two hundred knots, both of his engines
popped,
The radios and the tacan quit, the gear would not come up.
Chorus
62
He fought it hard to keep control and keep it climbing, too.
He prayed a fervent prayer to God and said what he would do,
He won't smoke, or drink, or chase the girls, to sin he'd put a
stop,
Now disregard that last part, Lord, I'm VFR-on-top.
Chorus
The airspeed reached five hundred knots, the gas was goin' fast,
He had enough to reach the range and make at least one pass,
He knew without the radio, they wouldn't let him in,
So he dropped back down onto the deck, right back into the fog.
Chorus
"Where am I?" thought our hero, he didn't have a clue,
He didn't know just where he was and knew not what to do,
All the radar sights were callin', but they got no reply,
And he disappeared that day, somewhere north of ACMI.
Chorus
Nothing Could Be Finer
Nothing could be finer than to be in your vagina, in the morning.
Nothing could be sweeter than your lips around my peeter, in the
morning.
If I had a wish, and it could come true, I 'd spend the whole night
69 with you.
Oh nothing could be finer than to do a 69er in the morning.
Ode to Mary Anne Burns
Mary Anne Burns, you filthy bitch, with hands and feet as black
as pitch,
Great purple sores festering on your toes, and long green strands of
snot dangling from your nose.
And before I 'd touch one festering thigh, or kiss one withered tit,
I 'd drink nine quarts of afterbirth and bathe in vulture shit.
Please Don't Burn The Shithouse Down
Please don't burn the shithouse down, Mother's willing to pay,
Mother's drunk and Father's in jail, Sister's in a family way.
Brother dear is a fucking queer, times are fucking hard,
So please don't burn the shithouse down, or we'll have to shit in the yard!
And there was granny, swingin' from the shithouse door,
In her nighty, yellin' "Boys, more, more, more!!!"
63
Pubic Hairs
("Baby Face")
Pubic hairs, you've got the cutest little pubic hairs.
There's not another that can compare, pubic hairs,
Penis or vagina, nothing could be finer,
Pubic hairs, I'm up in heaven when I'm in your underwear,
I didn't need a shove to take a mouthful of your pretty pubic hairs.
Remember
Remember the night when you were tight? My darling remember?
When I was in heat and you said you might? My darling remember?
Remember you found a tender spot, right in the middle of my twat?
You said you'd withdraw before you shot, but you forgot to remember.
The Rodeo Song
It's forty below, but it don't mean a thing,
I got heaters on my wing and it's off to the rodeo!
Chorus:
Well, it's lead break left, two's lost sight,
Come on ya fuckin' dummy, get your right nine right,
Stay on my wing, ya goddamn dude!
Ya know, ya piss me off, ya fuckin' jerk, ya get on my nerves!
We're ten from the merge and my radar's a mort,
I don't have a sort, and it's off to the rodeo!
Chorus
Hell with the Slammer, gonna have me some fun,
I 'm closin' for the gun, and it's off to the rodeo!
Chorus
Here comes a wiper with his pecker in his hand,
He's a one ball man, and it's off to the rodeo!
Final Chorus:
Well, it's tally three, save a wiper for me,
Come on ya little porker, let me see nine G's,
I call the kill, ya don't remove, ya know,
Ya piss me off, ya fuckin' jerk, ya get on my nerves!
64
The S & M Man
( "The Candy Man")
Who can take two ice picks, stick 'e m in her ears,
Ride her like a Harley while you fuck her up the rear?
Chorus:
The S & M man, the S & M man,
The S & M man 'cause he mixes it it with love and makes the hurtin
Who can take a machete, whack off all her limbs,
Throw her in the ocean and watch her try to swim?
Chorus
Who can take a chainsaw, cut the bitch in two,
This halfs for me and the other halfs for you.
Chorus
Who can take a lady, throw her in the road,
Shove a grenade up her cunt and watch the bitch explode?
Chorus
Who can take a bicycle, rip off the seat,
Make your granny ride it down a really bumpy street?
Chorus
Who can take two jumper cables, hook 'e m to her tits,
Start up the engine and electrify the bitch?
Chorus
Who can take a pregnant bitch, throw her on the bed,
Fuck her in the cunt while the fetus gives you head?
Chorus
Sally In The Alley
Sally in the alley sifting cinders, lifted up her leg and farted
like a man,
Wind from her bloomers broke six winders, cheeks of her ass went
bam, bam, bam!!
Sammy Small
("If You 're Happy And You Know It")
Oh, my name is Sammy Small, fuck 'em all,
Oh, my name is Sammy Small, fuck 'em all,
Oh, my name is Sammy Small, and I've only got one ball,
But it's better than none at all, so fuck 'em all.
Oh, they say I killed a man, fuck 'em all,
65
good.
Oh, they say I killed a man, fuck 'em all,
Oh, they say I shot him dead with a piece of fucking lead,
Now the silly fucker's dead, so fuck 'em all.
Oh, they say I'm gonna swing, fuck 'em all,
Oh, they say I'm gonna swing, fuck 'em all,
Oh, they say I'm gonna swing from a piece of fucking string,
What a silly fucking thing, so fuck 'em all.
Oh, the parson he will come, fuck 'em all,
Oh, the parson he will come, fuck 'em all,
Oh, the parson he will come with his tales of kingdom come,
He can shove them up his bung, so fuck 'em all.
Oh the sheriff will be there too, fuck 'em all,
Oh the sheriff will be there too, fuck 'em all,
Oh the sheriff will be there too, with his silly fucking crew,
They've got fuck all else to do, so fuck 'em all.
Oh the hangman wears a mask, fuck 'em all,
Oh the hangman wears a mask, fuck 'em all,
Oh the hangman wears a mask for his silly fucking task,
He can shove it up his ass, so fuck 'em all.
Oh they say I greased the rope, fuck 'em all,
Oh they say I greased the rope, fuck 'em all,
Oh they say I greased the rope with a piece of fucking soap,
What a silly fucking joke, so fuck 'em all.
(With reverance)
I saw Molly in the crowd, fuck 'em all,
I saw Molly in the crowd, fuck 'em all,
I saw Molly in the crowd and I felt so fucking proud,
That I shouted right out loud "FUCK 'EM ALL!!!"
Scrotum
Chorus:
Your scrotum, scrotum, s-c-r-o-t-u-m, ba-da-da-da-da,
Your scrotum, scrotum, s-c-r-o-t-u-m.
Well, it's mangy and it's grangy and it's covered with hair,
But what would you do if it wasn't there?
Chorusi
It hangs down low and a little behind, strange little bag with a fancy design.
Chorus
It's fun to play with every night, better watch out if you get in a fight,
Chorus
66
Fits right in the palm of your hand, only thing that proves that you're really a man.
Chorus
It's your scrotum, scrotum, s-c-r-o-t-u-m. Be glad you've got
one.
S-c-r-o-t-u-m. It holds your balls in.
S-c-r-o-t-u-m. It's fun to play with.
S-c-r-o-t-u-m, ba-da-daaaa!
Sit On My Face
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me,
I'll sit on your face and tell you that I love you, too.
I love to hear you oralize, when I 'm between your thighs,
You blow me away.
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you,
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly,
Life can be fine if we both 69, if we sit on our faces, in all sorts of places,
And play 'til we're blown away!!
Six Pounds of Boobies
Six pounds of boobies in a loose brassierre, an old used condom
in a glass of beer,
A twat that twitches like a moose's ear, these foolish things remind
me of you.
A dirty whore strolling down the street, a bloody tampax in a rumble
seat,
I love my poontang, but I beat my meat, these foolish things remind
me of you.
The Slick Willy Draft Dodger Rag
Well, I 'm just a typical American boy from a typical American
town,
I believe in God and senator Dodd and keepin' Ol' Castro down,
But when it came my time to serve, I knew better red than dead,
So when I got down to my local draft board, buddy this is what I
said:
Well, Sarge, I 'm only eighteen, got a ruptured spleen, and I
always carry a purse,
I got eyes like a bat. my feet are flat, and my asthma's gettin'
worse,
Consider my career, my sweetheart dear, my poor invalid aunt,
Besides, I ain't no fool, I 'm going to school, and I 'm working in
a defense plant.
I got a wracked up back and a dislocated disk, I 'm alergic to
flowers and bugs,
And when a bomb shell hits, I get epileptic fits, I 'm addicted to a
thousand drugs,
I got the weakness woes, I can't touch my toes, I can hardly reach
my knees,
And if the enemy ever gets close to me, I 'd probably start to
sneeze.
67
Now I hate Chou Enlai and I 'm glad that he died, but I think you've gotta see,
If someone's gotta go over there, that someone sure ain't me,
So I wish you well, Sarge, give 'e m hell and kill me a thousand or so,
And if you ever find a war without blood and gore, well, I'll be the first to go.
Stand To Your Glasses
We sit 'neath resounding rafters, the walls all around us are bare,
They echo back the laughter, it seems all the dead are here.
We climb in the purple twilight, we loop in the silvery dawn,
With black smoke trailing behind us to show where our friends have all gone.
Chorus:
For we are the boys who fly high in the sky,
Bosom buddies while boozin' are we,
We are the boys that they send out to die,
Bosom buddies while boozin' are we.
Up in headquarters they scream and they shout,
'Bout lots of things they know nothing about.
But we are the boys that they send out to die,
Boozin' buddies while boozin' are we.
Cut off from the land that bore us, betrayed by the land that we
find,
The good men have gone before us, and only the dull left behind.
So stand your glasses steady, the world is a web of lies,
Here's to the dead already, hurrah for the next man who dies.
Chorus
Stand To Your Glasses Steady
68
Sweet Antoinette
( "Sweet Adeline")
Sweet Antoinette, sweet Antoinette, your panties are wet,
You say it's sweat, it's cum I'll bet.
In all my dreams, your bare ass gleams, you're the wrecker of my pecker,
Sweet Antoinette, sweet Antoinette.
Swing Low Sweet Chariot
Swing low, sweet chariot, (ptooey!) coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot, (ptooey!) coming for to carry me home.
I looked over Jordan and what did I see?
(Ptooey!) Coming for to carry me home.
A band of angels (ptooey!) coming after me,
(Ptooey!) Coming for to carry me home.
1st Time - Sung with hand gestures
2nd Time - Hum with hand gestures
3rd Time - Hand gestures only
4th Time – Underwater
Swing Low Sweet Chariot
69
Three Whores From Canada Junction
Three old whores from Canada Junction were drinking cherry wine,
Says one to the other two, "Yours is smaller than mine."
Chorus:
So take up the sheets me hearty, water the decks with brine,
Bend to the oars, you lousy whores, none is bigger than mine.
"You're a liar," says the second old whore, "Mine's as big as the
sea.
The battleships sail in and out and never a bother to me."
"You're a liar," says the third old whore, "Mine's as big as the moon.
The battleships sail in on the first of the year, they never come out 'til June."
"You're a liar," says the first again, "Mine's as big as the air.
The battleships sail in and out, they never tickle a hair."
"You're a liar," says the second again, "Mine is bigger than all.
For many the ships that sail right in, and they never come out at all." I
Three Whores from .....
70
Throw A Nickel On The Grass
It was midnight in Denmark, all the pilots were in bed,
When up stepped Col. Heitzig and this is what he said:
"Eagles, gentle Eagles, Eagles one and all,
Pilots, gentle pilots," and the pilots shouted, "Balls!"
When up stepped a young lieutenant, with a voice as harsh as brass,
"You can take those goddamn Eagle jets and shove them up your ass!"
Chorus:
Oh, hallelujah, oh, hallelujah,
Throw a nickel on the grass, save a fighter pilot's ass.
Oh, hallelujah, oh, hallelujah,
Throw a nickel on the grass and you'll be saved.
Cruising up the coast, doing six and sixty per,
When a call came from a major, "Oh, won't you save me, sir?
My guns ain't got no ammo, my tanks ain;t got no gas,
Mayday, mayday, mayday, I've got six MiGs on my ass!"
Chorus
I shot my traffic pattern, to me it looked all right,
The airspeed read one-thirty, my God I racked it tight,
The airframe gave a shudder, the engines gave a wheeze,
Mayday, mayday, mayday, spin instructions please.
Chorus
Fouled up my crosswind landing, the left wing hit the ground,
There came a call from tower, pull up and go around.
I racked that Eagle in the air a dozen feet or more,
The engines quit, I almost shit, the gear came through the floor.
Chorus
Pathetic Lawn Dart drivers, they think they are so hot,
They brag about the Eagles that they've so often shot,
One thing they don't remember when they holler and they hoot,
Is to look into their RHAW scope just before they shoot.
Chorus
71
I started on my takeoff, I thought the flaps were down,
But when I pulled the gear up, the burners scraped the ground,
The general, he smiled at me, he thought it was great fun,
But then I met my FEB, Minot here I come.
Chorus
Letting down from forty-four, busting through the mach,
That Eagle jet was moving now, falling like a rock,
My boom was aimed right at the field, there was an awful sound,
Since we're flying training now, I 'm sitting on the ground.
Chorus
Tie My Root Around A Tree
Reached in my pocket, pulled out a penny.
She said, "Boy, you can't have any."
Chorus:
Come and tie my root around a tree, root around a tree.
Come and tie my root around a tree.
Reached in my pocket, pulled out a nickel,
She said, "For that you don't even get a tickle."
Chorus
Reached in my pocket, pulled out a quarter.
She said, "Young man, I'm a preaher's daughter."
Chorus
Reached in my pocket, pulled out a half,
She said, "Young man, you make me laugh."
Chorus
Reached in my pocket, pulled out six bits.
All she did was wiggle her tits.
Chorus
Reached in my pocket, pulled out a buck.
She said, "Young man, you've bought a fuck."
Chorus
Took her to the kitchen, laid her on the sink,
Oh, my Cod, how her pussy did stink!
Chorus
72
Fucker her sittin', fucked her lyin'.
If I'd had wings, I'd a-fucked her flyin'.
Chorus
I awoke in the morning and guess what I saw?
Fifteen crabs and a big blue ball.
Chorus
I went to the doctor, 'cause my pecker was sore.
"My God," said the doctor, "you've been taken by a whore!"
Chorus
And now you can see, I'm a peckerless man.
I fuck 'em with my finger and fool 'em when I can.
Chorus
Now the last time I saw her, and I haven't seen her since,
She was jacking off a doggie through a barbed wire fence.
Chorus
Together
We both got drunk, together, took off our junk, together, lay in
a bunk, together, But it was no joke, when the
rubber broke.
Now we have twins, together, for we have sinned, together,
Now take it from me, keep good company, and keep your legs together.
Tracking Kill
( "Cover of the Rolling Stone")
Well, we're Eagle Drivers, we ain't nine-to-fivers, we're the best that's ever been.
We shoot 'e m in the face 'cause that's the very best place to kill 'e m and to fight again.
Yeah, we shoot 'e m in the face 'cause that's a really neat place,
And it really gives us quite a thrill,
But the thrill that'll get ya is when you set your pipper and make a guns tracking kill.
Chorus:
Tracking kill, wanna see you in my pipper, tracking kill, gonna
show the film to my sister,
Tracking kill, gonna make you a great big star in the movies of a
tracking kill.
We wear fast pants and snappy hard hats and fly off to shoot down
planes,
Well, we get our kicks ripping off their lips, and gunning out the
bad guy's brains,
Yeah, the AIM-9M, it is really swell, but the thing that'll make
your day,
Is to set your sights 'til it feels just right and blow the MiG's
shit away!
Chorus
73
Well, we've paid our dues, got a bag full of clues, the job is
really a lot of fun.
We never tire of our hair on fire and killing people with our gun.
Yeah, the big Eagle jet is the best you can get, the world's
greatest fighting machine,
To the men who fly her, you can get no higher than McDonnell's
mighty F-15.
Chorus
Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
A hand job in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Two brass balls and a hand job in a pear tree.
3rd Day: Three French Ticklers
4th Day: Four Cocksuckers
5th Day: Five Motherfuckers
6th Day: Six Sacks of Shit
7th Day: Seven Scrotums Swinging
8th Day: Eight Assholes Aching
9th Day: Nine Nymphos Nibbling
10th Day: Ten Tits A'Tingling
11th Day: Eleven Lesbians Licking
12th Day: Twelve Twats A'Twitching
74
Waltzing Matilda
Once a jolly swagman camped by a billboard,
Under the shade of a coolibah tree,
And he sang as he sat and waited 'till his Billy boiled,
"Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?"
Chorus:
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda,
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And he sang as he sat and waited 'till his Billy boiled,
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?"
Along came a jumbuck to drink at the billboard,
Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee,
And he sang as he stuffed that jumbuck in his tuckerbag,
"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."
Chorus
Up rode the squatter, mounted on his thoroughbred,
Up rode the troopers, one, two, three,
"Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tuckerbag?
You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me."
Chorus
Up jumped the swagman, sprang into billabong,
"You'll never take me alive," said he,
And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong,
"Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?"
Was It You?
Was it you who done the pushin'? Left the stains upon the
cushion?
Footprints on the dashboard upside down? Was it you, you sly
woodpecker?
Got into my daughter Rebeccer? 'Cause if it was you, you best be
leavin' town.
Reply:
Yes, 'twas I that done the pushin', left the stains upon the
cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down, but ever since I've had
your daughter,
I've had trouble passin' water. So I guess that makes us even all
around.
75
The Whiffenpoof Song
To the tables down at Maury's, to the place where Louie dwells,
To the dear old Temple bar we loved so well sit the Whiffenpoof
assembled.
With their glasses held on high and the magic of their singing casts
a spell,
Yes the magic of their singing, of the songs we loved so well,
"Shall I wasting" and "Mavouree" and the rest,
We will serenade our ladies 'til the life and death shall pass,
And we'll be forgotten with the rest.
We are poor little lambs who have lost our way, Baa, Baa, Baa,
We are poor black sheep who have lost their way, Baa, Baa, Baa,
Gentlemen, songsters off on a spree, doomed from here to eternity,
God have mercy on such as we, Baa, Baa, Baa.
76
Whiffenpoof Song
77
The Whorehouse Quartet
Well, she burped and she farted, and she shit on the floor,
And the gas from her ass blew the knob off the door.
And the moon shined bright on the nipple of her tit,
As she carved her initials in a bag of shit.
Chorus:
Sung by the Whorehouse Quartet. Do you have a hard-on, not yet!
Are you gonna get one, you bet! You fucker, you!
Well, she looked so fair in the midnight air, as the wind blew up
her nighty,
Her tits hung loose like the balls of a goose and I yelled, "Christ
Almighty!"
Chorus
She jumped in bed and covered up her head, amd swore I couldn't
find her,
I knew damn well she was lying like hell, so I jumped right in
beside her.
Chorus
She flipped and flopped, and I landed on her top, and started my
organ grinder,
She wouldn't turn loose so I turned on the juice, and now I got a
baby ten pounder.
Chorus
The Wild West Show
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Wild West Show!"
Chorus:
Oh, we're off to see the Wild West Show, the elephants and kangaroos.
No matter what the weather, as long as we're together, we're off to see the Wild West
Show!"
Intro:
"Tonight for you we have the most fantastic, incredible animal
acts ever seen before the
eyes of man on the face of the earth. Tonight for you we have the
famous___________!"
All (after each intro):
"Fantastic! Incredible! No shit, tell us about the motherfucker!"
Chorus and Intro after each verse
Ki, Ki, Ki, Ki Bird
The Ki, Ki, Ki, Ki Bird is a very strange animal indeed. He flies
along at 21,500' looking
for targets. As he spies his prey, he folds his wings and starts
down a precise 75 degree
dive. Down he goes, gaining speed — 18,000', 10,000' — his vision
begins to blur from
the wind blast — 7,000' — faster and faster — 3500' — 1500' — 500' —
he starts his pull
out — 100'— 50' —He puts out his wings, grabs his prey with his
mighty talons and says:
"Ki, Ki, Ki, Ki-rist that was close!"
78
Fukawi Tribe
The Fukawi tribe is a very strange tribe indeed. They're a tribe
of three foot tall pygmies
living in four foot tall elephant grass. they spend their whole life
going around saying:
"Where the fuck are we? Where the fuck are we?"
Lulu the Tattooed Lady
Lulu the Tattooed Lady is a very strange lady indeed. She has a
"W" tattooed on her left
cheek and a "W" tattooed on her right cheek. When she bends over,
she spells "WOW"
and when she stands on her head, she spells "MOM." But when she does
cartwheels, she
spells "WOW MOM, WOW MOM."
Mathematical Impossibility
The Mathematical Impossibility is a very strange girl indeed. She's the only girl around
who was eight (ate) before she was seven!
Shoe Clerk
The Shoe Clerk is a very strange human-like animal. He's the only animal known that you
can throw into a barrel of tits and he'll come up sucking his own thumb!
The O-Rang-A-Tang
The O-Rang-A-Tang is a strange ape-like creature. However, his balls hang so low that
when he swings from tree to tree, they go O-Rang-A-Tang, O-Rang-A-Tang.
Lulu the Tattooed Lady's Sister
Lulu the Tattooed Lady's Sister is a very strange lady indeed.
She has "Merry Christmas"
tattooed on her left thigh and "Happy New Year" tattooed on her
right thigh. Then she
says, "Why don't all you lions come up and see me between the
holidays?"
Female Horny Bird
The Female Horny Bird can be distinguished by her cry, "Wantsome, Wantsome!" and the
male horny bird by his cry, "Here-tis, Here-tis!"
The Pffftt Bird
The Pffftt Bird is a very strange bird indeed. He's a bird that
has a three foot long right
wing and a four foot long left wing. He flies around in ever
decreasing circles until he flies
up his own asshole and goes PFFFTT!
The Ohh-Ah Bird
The Ohh-Ah Bird is a very stange bird indeed. He has a four foot long scrotum and only
three foot long legs. When he comes in for a landing, he goes "Ooh-Ooh-Ahhhhhh!"
The Boom-Rat-Tat-Tat Bird
The Boom-Rat-Tat-Tat Bird is a very close cousin to the Ooh-Ah
Bird. He also has a four
foot long scrotum and three foot long legs, but he lands on
corrugated roofs and goes,
"Boom Rat-Tat-Tat-Tat-Tat-Tat!"
79
The Peanut Butter Lady
The Peanut Butter Lady is a very strange lady indeed. She's the only lady around that hen
you eat her out, she sticks to the roof of your mouth.
The Tight Skinned Owl
The Tight Skinned Owl is an owl whose skin is so tight that when he blinks, he masturbates
himself. Little boys have been known to jack him off by throwing sand in his eyes.
The Pervertible Convertible
The Pervertible Convertible is the most amazing car in the world. It's the only car around
where you can get two in the front seat and sixty-nine in the back seat!
The Drunken Giraffe
The Drunken Giraffe is a strange long legged creature who walks into the lion's den and
says, "Boys, the high balls are on me!"
Why Do The Drums Go Boom-Ti-Boom-Titty
Chorus:
Why do the drums go boom-ti-boom-titty?
Why do the drums go boom-ti-boom-titty?
Why do the drums go boom-ti-boom-titty?
Why do the drums go boom-ti-boom?
Well I took her to the library just to improve herself.
But the funk from her drawers knocked the books off the shelves.
She's a rotten motherfucker but I love her so.
She's my little girl from Coltishall.
Chorus
Well I took her to the bank just to dip in the till.
But the funk from her drawers knocked the green off the bills.
Chorus
Well I took her to the Mosel just to buy some wine.
But the funk from her drawers knocked the grapes off the vine.
Chorus
Well I took her to the church just to meet all the people.
But the funk from her drawers knocked the cross off the steeple.
Chorus
Well I took her to the store just to buy some peas.
But the funk from her drawers knocked the clerk to his knees.
Chorus
Well I took her to the farm just to get a job,
But the funk from her drawers knocked the corn off the cob.
80
Chorus
Well I took her to the movies but she caused a scene,
'Cause the funk from her drawers knocked the flick off the screen.
Chorus
Well I took her to the beach, man she was a dish,
But the funk from her drawers knocked the scales off the fish.
Chorus
Well I took her to the club, for a bite to eat,
But the funk from her drawers burned a hole in the seat.
Chorus
Well I took her to the field, just to watch me fly,
But the funk from her drawers knocked the jets out of the sky.
Chorus
Well I took her to the chowhall, but they just started bitchin',
'Cause the funk from her drawers drew the flies from the kitchen.
Chorus
Well I took her to the Q 's cause I though I 'd score,
But the funk from her drawers knocked the paint off the door.
Chorus
Well I took her to the park just to roll in the grass,
But the funk from her drawers curled the hairs on my ass.
Chorus
Well I took her to my room and I started to hunch,
But the funk from my drawers made me blow my lunch.
Chorus
Well I slipped it up her tubes and I tried to coat 'em,
But the funk from her drawers peeled the skin off my scrotum.
Chorus
Well I fucked her on the floor, man it was a feeling,
But the funk from her drawers stuck my ass to the ceiling.
Chorus
Well they took my little girl to the police station,
Said the funk from her drawers was a threat to the nation.
Chorus
Well I took her to the court for a speedy trial,
But the funk from her drawers laid the judge in the aisle.
Chorus
Well they locked her up in jail, but she'd doing well,
'Cause the funk from her drawers killed all the rats in the cell.
Chorus
Well I lost my little girl, but I don't mindm
'Cause the funk from her drawers nearly made me blind.
Chorus
81
Will You Still Suck Me Tomorrow
( "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow")
Tonight, you're mine, completely. I bought your love so cheaply.
Tonight the light of twenties in your eyes, but will you suck me
tomorrow?
Is this my last big road trip, or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your thighs? Will you still suck me tomorrow?
Tonight with words unspoken, you say that I 'm the only one.
But will my cock be broken when the night meets the morning sun?
I 'd like to know that your cunt has lips I can be sure of.
So will you tell me, and I won't ask again, will you still suck me tomorrow?
Would You Like To Sit On My Face?
( "Would You Like To Sit On A Star?")
Would you like to sit on my face? Spread your ass all
over the place?Stick my nose in a fragrant space?
Or would you rather suck my HOG?
You Can Sit On My Face
( "Red River Valley")
You can sit on my face if you love me,
You can sit on my face if you care.
Let me stare up your red river valley,
Run my tongue through your soft pubic hair.
82
Yo-ho
("When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again ")
I put my hand upon her toe, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her toe, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her toe, she said, "Young fighter pilot, you're way too low,
Get it in, get it out, quit fucking about," yo-ho, yo-ho.
I put my hand upon her knee, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her knee, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her knee, she said, "Young fighter pilot you're teasing me,
Get it in, get it out, wuit fucking about," yo-ho, yo-ho.
I put my hand upon her thigh, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her thigh, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her thigh, she said, "Young fighter pilot you make me sigh,
Get it in, get it out, quit fucking about," yo-ho, yo-ho.
I put my hand upon her twat, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her twat, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my hand upon her twat, she said, "Young fighter pilot you make me hot,
Get it in, get it out, quit fucking about," yo-ho, yo-ho.
I put my cock into her mouth, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my cock into her mouth, yo-ho, yo-ho,
I put my cock into her mouth, she siad, "Ugh, umph, ugh, umph, ugh, umph,
Get it in, get it out, quit fucking about," yo-ho, yo-ho.
83
When Johnny Comes Marching Home
You
Can't Say Shit Hot
You can't say "Shit Hot" in the O'Club. You can't say "Hey, show
us your tits!"
The bullshit is getting so deep here, it's up to my fucking armpits.
Fuck off, fuck off, Systems Command, fuck off, fuck off.
Fuck off, fuck off, Systems Command, fuck off, fuck off.
And stink? Goddamn ptooey!
Sing one, drink one...Huh!!
84