And it's no, nay,
never,
No nay never no more,
Will I play the wild rover
No never no more.
I went into an ale house I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked her for credit, she
answered me "nay
Such custom as yours I could have any day."
chorus
And then from my pocket I took ten
sovereigns bright
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight.
She
said "I have whiskey and wines of the best
Sure the words that I spoke, they
were only in jest.
chorus
I went to my parents, confessed what I'd
done
And I asked them to pardon their prodigal son.
They kissed me,
caressed me, as oft times before
And never will I play the wild rover no
more.
chorus
God Damn them all! I
was told
We'd cruise the seas for American
gold
We'd fire no guns, shed no tears
Now I'm a broken man on a Halifax pier
The last of Barrett's privateers.
Oh Elcid Barrett cried the town,
How wish I was in Sherbrooke now!
For twenty brave men,
all fishermen, who
Would make for him the Antelope's crew,
chorus
The Antelope sloop was a sickening sight.
She'd a list to port and her sails in rags,
And a cook in the scuppers
with staggers and jags.
On the King's birthday we put to sea.
We were ninety-one days to Montego bay,
Pumping like madmen all the
way.
On the ninety-sixth day we sailed again.
When a bloody great Yankee hove in sight
With our cracked four-pounders
we made to fight.
The Yankee lay low down with gold.
She
was broad and fat and loose in stays,
But to catch her took the Antelope two
whole days.
At length we lay two cables away.
Our
cracked four-pounders made an awful din,
But with one fat ball the Yank
stove us in.
The Antelope shook and pitched on her side.
Barrett was smashed like a bowl of eggs,
And the maintruck carried off
both me legs.
So here I lay in my twenty-third year.
It's been six years since we sailed away,
And I just made Halifax
yesterday.
And always look on
the bright side of life!
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't
be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the
thing!
chorus
For life is quite absurd,
And death's
the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
Forget
about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance
anyhow!
So always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw
your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a
show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is
on you!
And always look on
the bright side of life
(whistle)
Always look on the bright side of life
(whistle)
Her eyes they shone
like diamonds
You'd think she was queen of the
land (and she was)
And her hair. it hung over her
shoulder
Tied up in a black velvet band
Well, I was out strolling one evening
Not meaning to go very far
When I met with a pretty young damsel
She
was selling her trade in a bar
A watch, she took from a customer
And
slipped it right into my hand
Then the law, they came and arrested me
Bad luck to her black velvet band
chorus
Before judge and jury next morning
For
trial I had to appear
Then the judge, he said, "Me young fellow,
The
case against you is quite clear
For seven years is your sentence
You're
going to Van Dieman's Land
Far away from your friends and relations
To
follow the black velvet band"
So come all you jolly young fellows
I'd
have you take warning by me
And whenever you're out on the liquor, me lads
Beware of the pretty colleens
For they'll fill you with whiskey and
porter
'Til you're not able to stand
And the very next thing that you
know, me lads
You're landed in Van Dieman's Land
Once I was happy and had a good wife
I
had enough money to last me for life
Then I met with a gal and we went on a
spree
She taught me smokin' and drinkin' whiskey
chorus
Cigarettes are a blight on the whole human
race
A man is a monkey with one in his face;
Take warning dear friend,
take warning dear brother
A fire's on one end, a fools on the
t'other.
And now good people, I'm broken with faith
The lines on my face make a well written page
I'm weavin' this story --
how sadly but true
On women and whiskey and what they can do
Wild the cross at the head of my grave
For women and whiskey here lies a poor slave.
Take warnin' poor
stranger, take warnin' dear friend
In wide clear letters this tale of my
end.
We arrived in December and London was cold
So we stayed in the bars along Charing Cross Road
We never saw nothin'
but brass taps and oak
Kept a shine on the bar with the sleeves of our
coats
chorus
Euston Station the train journey north
In the buffet car we lurched back and forth
Past odd crooked dikes,
through Yorkshire's green fields
We were flung into dance as the train
jigged and reeled
chorus
Take me home...
By the light of the moon she'd drift
through the streets
A rare old perfume so seductive and sweet
She'd
tease us and flirt as the pubs all closed down
Then walk us on home and deny
us a round
The gas heater's empty, it's damp as a tomb
And the spirits
we drank are now ghosts in the room
I'm knackered again, come on sleep take
me soon
And don't lift up my head 'til the twelve bells of noon
chorus
Take me home...
Lug'er down,
Lug'er down.
As long as
there's light in the day,
For you'll get no more
sup, when you're number is up,
And they lay you to
rot in the grave.
There's girls in the parlours,
There's
girls in the bars.
They paint on the smiles, so you don't see the scars.
They get lots of offers,
But not much respect
For raising three kids
on a government cheque.
chorus
1. Song starts with leader standing on a chair. At end of each verse point to a person not on a chair. They get up. Song continues until everyone is on a chair.
So drink mother
fucker,
Drink mother fucker
Drink mother fucker, Drink!
Drink mother fucker
Drink mother fucker, Drink!
Why are we waiting?
We could be
masturbating.
Oh, why are we waiting?
Oh why, why, why?
He ought to
be thoroughly pissed on,
He ought to be publicly shot,
He ought to be
tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot.
I looked over Jordan, and what did I see,
ho
Coming for to carry me home.
A band of angels, coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.
2. These two verses to the song are done with actions. Do the whole song, then the humming, Bob Dylan, silent versions (still with actions), etc., of the first verse and finish with singing the first verse again. There are more verses to the song, but we don't use them.
So he built a prick of steel
Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum
Two brass balls and a
bloody great wheel
Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum
Then he filled those balls with cream
Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum
titty Bum
The whole damn thing was powered by steam
Ah-hum
titty Bum titty Bum titty Bum
Ah-hum titty Bum titty Bum titty
Bum
He tied her to the leg of the bed,
Tied
her hands above her head.
There she lay demanding a fuck,
He shook her
hand and wished her luck.
Round and round went the bloody great wheel
In and out went the prick of steel
Up and up went the level of steam
Down and down went the level of cream
Then at last the maiden cried
"Enough,
Enough, I'm satisfied"
Now we come to the tragic bit
There was no way of
stopping it
It split her up from ass to tit
And the
whole damn thing was covered in shit
It jumped off her, it jumped on him,
And then it buggered their next of kin.
It jumped on an uptown bus,
And the
mess it made caused quite a fuss.
The last time that the prick was seen
It was over in England fucking the Queen.
There is a moral to the story I tell,
If you see it coming better run like hell.
Nine months later a child was
born,
With two brass balls and a bloody great horn.
The moral of this story is mighty clear.
Never fuck an engineer.
Prop, Sir
Prop, Sir?
I'd support a hooker, she'd support a hooker
We'd all
support hookers together.
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Supporting hookers together.
chorus
Prop #2: I'd bind tight...
Hooker: I'd strike hard...
Hooker #2: I'd throw it in...
Lock: I'd sniff butt
Lock #2: I'd push hard...
Number 8: I'd split cheeks
Flanker: I'd hold it in
Scrum Half: I'd put it in...
Stand-off: I'd whip it out...
Stand-off #2: I'd pass it on...
Centre: I'd put it out...
Winger: I'd get none...
Winger #2 I'd go hard...
Fullback: I'd find touch...
Fullback #2: I'd kick balls...
Referee: I'd fuck it up...
Referee #2: I'd blow hard...
Groundskeeper: I'd trim bush
Groundskeeper #2: I'd do lines
Groundskeeper #3: I'd fill holes...
Groundskeeper #4: I'd sow seeds...
Goal Post: I'd stand erect
Touch Line: I'd get laid...
Referee's Whistle: I'd get blown
Water Bottle: I'd get sucked
Rugby Boot: I'd get smelly
Rugby Boot #2: I'd come in boxes
Cleat: I'd get screwed
Ball: I'd get pumped
Wet Weather Spectator: I'd get wet
Wet Weather Spectator #2: I'd come in rubbers
Fair Weather Spectator: I'd come again
Away Team Spectator: I'd eat out...
Rugby Partier: I'd keep it up...
Halftime orange: I'd get sucked
With the right! (arm)
chorus
and the left! (arm)
and the right! (leg)
and the left! (leg)
and a "hooah!" (thrust)
and shirts off!
and pants off!
and let's get naked!
3. As the song continues, all actions are done throughout.
A woman came in for a hammer,
A hammer
from the store.
A hammer she wanted, nailed she got,
I don't work there
anymore.
chorus
A woman came in for some nails,
Nails
from the store.
Nails she wanted, screwed she got,
I don't work there
anymore.
chorus
A woman came in for some paper... a ream she got
A screen door... the back door
Some meat... my sausage
A ham... porked
A hammer... banged
A carpet pile she wanted... shagged
A fishing rod... my pole
Some beef... porked
A camel... humped
A helicopter... my chopper
A KitKat... four fingers
A Mars bar... the Hershey highway
A sailor... my semen
Some jewelry... a pearl necklace
A translator... cunning linguist
A pencil... pen iteration
A computer... my Wang
A floppy disk... My hard drive
A doughnut... glazed she wanted. cream filled she got
An elevator... my shaft
A spring... BOINGed
A screwdriver... screwed
Some bolts... my nuts
A T-bone... my boneless round
A gun... banged
Some nylons... my hose
A floppy disk... my hard drive
Some gift wrapping... packed
Some velvet... felt
Some liquor... lick her I did
Some bolts... my nuts
Some plastic... rubbers
Some plumbing... my pipe
A pipe... my hose
Some liquid Plumber.. her pipes cleaned
Some seafood... lobster ... crabs
Some beer... 6-pack
A balloon... blown
A lollipop... licked
A horse... ridden
Some wheels... rimmed
Milk... cream
Some butter... spread
A fuck... fucked
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Now every fiddler had a very fine fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he,
Fiddle dee diddle dee diddle dee, said the fiddlers,
What merry merry
men are we,
There's none so fair as can compare,
With Penguins
R.F.C.
chorus
And he called for his tailors three.
Now every tailor had a very fine needle,
And a very fine needle had he,
Stick it in and out, in and out, said the tailors,
Fiddle dee diddle dee
diddle dee, said the fiddlers,
What merry merry men are we,
There's none
so fair as can compare,
With the Penguins R.F.C.
The jugglers had two very fine balls
Throw your balls in the air
The butchers had choppers
Put it on the
block, chop it off.
The barmaids had candles
Pull it out,
pull it out, pull it out.
The cyclists had pedals
Round and
round, round and round
The flutists had flutes
Root
diddly-oot-diddly-oot.
The painters had brushes
Wop it up and
down, up and down.
The horsemen had saddles
Ride it up and
down, up and down.
The carpenters had hammers
Bang away,
bang away, bang away.
The surgeons had knives
Cut it round
the knob, make it throb.
The fishermen had rods
Mine is six feet
long.
The huntsmen had horns
Wake up in the
morn with a horn.
The coalmen had sacks
Want it in the
front or the back?
4. There are (obscene) actions for each person the king calls. Keep adding the people and actions.
Cats on the roof
tops, cats on the tiles,
Cats with syphilis, cats
with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in
smiles
As they revel in the joys of
copulation.
The hippopotamus so it seems,
Very
seldom has wet dreams;
But when he does it comes in streams,
As he
revels in the joys of copulation.
chorus
Poor old bovine, poor old bull,
Very
seldom gets a pull;
But when he does, the cow is full,
As he revels in
the joys of copulation.
Poor little tortoise in his shell,
Doesn't manage very well;
But when he does he fucks like hell,
As he
revels in the joys of copulation.
Now the hairy old gorilla is a sedentary
ape,
Who very seldom does much rape;
But when he does he comes like
tape,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
When you wake up in the morning feeling
full of joy,
But your wife isn't willing and your daughter's all coy;
You use the arsehole of your second oldest boy,
As you revel in the joys
of copulation.
When you wake in the morning with a ten
inch stand,
And there isn't any woman in the whole damned land;
There's
nothing else to do but to take it in your hand,
As you revel in the joys of
masturbation.
When you wake in the morning with your
penis in your hand,
And you have a funny feeling in your seminary gland;
If you can't get a woman, try a clean old man,
As you revel in the joys
of copulation.
Now I met a young girl who was a dear,
But she gave me a dose of gonorrhoea;
Fools rush in where angels fear
To revel in the joys of copulation.
The poor domestic doggie, on the chain all
day.
Never gets a chance to let himself go play.
So he licks at his dick
-- in a frantic way,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
The dainty little skylark sings a very
pretty song,
He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits long,
Hear his
high crescendo when his mate's on the prong,
As he revels in the joys of
copulation.
The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows,
Takes two days to have a shag and when he's in the throws,
He doesn't
stop to take it out he piddles through his nose,
As he revels in the joys of
copulation.
The lady by the seaside was feeling very
blue,
Saw the children at it, and thought she'd like it too,
So she
bought three bananas and ate the other two,
As she reveled in the joys of
copulation.
In Egypt's sunny clime, the crocodile,
Gets a flip only once in a while,
But when he does -- it floods the
Nile,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears,
Never gets a grind in a thousand years,
But when he does -- he makes up
for arrears,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
Little Mary Johnson will be seventeen next
July,
Never been a naughty, but thought she'd like to try,
She took
daddy's walking stick and did it on the sly,
And she reveled in the joys of
copulation.
The Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress, and he doesn't have a wife,
So he puts it up
the bottom of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of
copulation.
The ostrich in the desert is a solitary
chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But when he does -- it
slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect
he stands just a foot or so,
So when he comes -- it's time to go,
As he
revels in the joys of copulation.
The elephant's prick is big and round,
A small one scales a thousand pounds,
Two together -- rock the ground,
As they revel in the joys of copulation.
The camel likes to have his fun,
His
night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he
revels in the joys of copulation.
The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And
you can't tell a he from a she,
But he can tell -- and so can she,
As
they revel in the joys of copulation.
The wild boar in the mud all day,
Thinks of the sows that are far, far away,
And the corkscrew motion of
half a day,
As he revels in the joys of copulation.
Now a funny old fish is the old sperm
whale,
With a funny little diddle tucked under his tail,
And he rides
his missus in the teeth of a gale,
As he revels in the joys of
copulation.
The owls in the trees and cats on the
tiles,
One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in piles,
You can hear
their delighted shrieks for miles,
As they revels in the joys of
copulation.
Poor old Mr. Bengelstein, whose morals we
all doubt,
He wanders round with his noodle hanging out,
When he sees a
wench, it hits him in the snout,
As he revels in the joys of
copulation.
Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale faced spinsters shag like shoats,
And the whole damn world stands
by and gloats,
As they revels in the joys of copulation.
She said where does it hurt?
I said
here.
Dis is mein head-butt-er
Ya mama here.
Head-butt-er
Top-noggin
Ya mit
damoule
That's what we learnt at the school.
pig-finders (eyes)
snatch-smeller (nose)
cup cleaner (moustache)
thigh rubbers (cheeks)
clit tickler (tongue)
chin chomper (chin)
boob blockers (chest)
beer basket (belly)
chin slappers (balls)
mother-fucker (penis)
5. Point to each body part as you say it and everybody turns around on "Ya mit damoule". A leader does the intro for each body part and everyone sings the words marked in bold.
My God, how the money
rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in
My God, how the money rolls in, rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in
My
God, how the money rolls in.
My mother's a bawdy-house keeper
Each
night when the action begins,
She hangs a red light in the doorway,
chorus
My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon,
With instruments long, short and slim.
He only does one
operation,
My brother's a slum missionary,
He
saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for a five
dollars.
My auntie she rolls prophylactics.
She
punctures the ends with a pin.
My uncle does all the abortions,
My brother lies over the ocean,
My
sister lies over the sea.
My father lies over my mother,
And that's how
they got little me.
My one skin lies over my two skin,
My two skin lies
over my three.
My three skin lies over my four skin,
So pull back my
foreskin for me.
Pull back, pull
back,
Oh, pull back my foreskin for me, for
me.
Pull back, Pull back,
Oh, pull back my foreskin for me.
Does she have the kinky hair...
Yes she has the kinky hair,
Kinky hair...
Kinky
hair,
chorus
Does she the sloped forehead...
Yes she has the sloped forehead,
Sloped forehead..
Sloped forehead...
Kinky hair...
Kinky
hair,
Furry brow...
Cross-eyed eyes...
Broken nose...
Blowjob lips...
Cum stained teeth...
Double chin. . .
Deep, deep throat...
Saggy tits...
Beer belly...
Curly bush...
Wide, wide cunt...
Great big ass...
Thunder thighs...
Rug burned knees...
Pigeon toes...
Now isn't she a very nice girl?
With the...
6. This song should be sung to a member of the fairer sex. Each body part is pointed to.
How I like to choke my chicken,
Yes, he likes to choke his chicken,
Choke my chicken,
Choke his chicken,
Masturbate,
Masturbate,
chorus
How I like to spank my monkey,
Yes he likes to spank his monkey,
Spank my monkey,
Spank his monkey,
Choke my chicken,
Choke his
chicken,
Masturbate,
Masturbate,
Lope my mule
Rub my nub
Whip my lizard
Swat my twat
Tease the beaver
Flog my log
Stroke my snatch
Tap my gap
Beat my meat
Pull my pony
Yank my chain
Use three fingers
Moan and jerk
7. Sung to the tune of Alouetta
How I like to be on top,
Yes, we
like to be on top
Be on top,
Be on top,
Fornicate,
Fornicate,
chorus
Do it standing up
Hide the salami
Drive it deep
Bark like a dog
Bump and grind
Pump and hump
Grind her mound
Give jungle love
Do it in the dirt
Are we all happy,
You bet your ass we are,
Da-da-da-da, da, da,(8)
Da-da-da-da,
da, da,
Today is Tuesday,
Today is Tuesday,
Tuesday's a ah-ah(9) day,
Tuesday's a ah-ah day,
chorus
Wednesday...
Wanking day...
Thursday...
Drinking day...
Friday...
Fucking day...
Saturday...
Rugby day...
Sunday...
Day of rest... (sung
quietly)
8. At this point, drink is put on top of head, and everyone
twirls around in a circle.
9. Hand is held to mouth simulating oral sex.