The Alphabet Song Alphabet songs geared to particular trades were once common. Sailors and lumberjacks had them. So too did the sporting ladies. [ A ] "A" is for ass upon which we sit, The external end and the passage for shit! "B" is for balls, each man has a pair In a wrinkled old sack all covered with hair! "C" is for cunt, all juicy and slick; It's home-sweet-home for a seven-inch prick! "D" is for dittaling [diddling?] which never grows stale; There's nothing so good as nice piece of tail! "E" is for egg that is laid in the grass, The object which comes from a speckled hen's ass! "F" is for fart, that odorous breeze; It's fully as bad as Limburger cheese! "G" is for guts, that tangled up mass That connects your belly with the hole in your ass! "H" is for hair that surrounds her cunt; To find the opening is a man's nightly hunt! "I" is for inch. (Now don't make me smile!) When she gives you an inch, you take half a mile! "J" is for jissem that's sticky like cream; It spots up the sheets when you have a wet dream! "K" is for king, who wears a crown on his bean; His favorite sport is fucking the queen! "L" is for love that fails to stick; It starts in your head and ends in your prick! "M" is for marriage, when a man gets a wife And lives in misery the rest of his life! "N" is for nuts that furnish the sap, And sometimes the making of a good dose of clap! "O" is for old, or rather the time, When a man's prick won't stand up as [it did?] in his prime! "P" is for prick, that petrified prong; It ranges from four to twelve inches long! "Q" is for quiver that comes with a thump; It's a funny sensation when you shoot off your lump! "R" is for rags that are used, I presume, To wrap up a pussy that is in full bloom! "S" is for safety, made of fish skin; To do a job with one is surely a sin! "T" is for tits, supposed to be sucked; They never come fresh till a woman's been fucked! "U" is for urine, a pot full of piss; Ain't it just awful to use language like this? "V" is for vermin that wiggle and twist And hide in the hair when you go out to piss! "W" is for woman, cradle of sin, That's split half way from her ass to her chin! "X" is for x-ray, a magnifying glass, Used by a doctor to look up your ass! "Y" is for yes; when a woman gets hot, There's nothing but a prick to cool her twat! "Z" is for zero, supposed to be cold; The temperature of a man's balls at [when he's] ninety years old! The "A" text here, from Larson's "Barnyard" collection, p. 39, was collected from Idaho schoolchildren, circa 1930-40. A close variant is in volume II of Randolph's "Unprintable" collection, Blow the Candle Out (Fayetteville: University of Arkansas Press, 1992, pp. 617-618. That collection has four other versions, plus G. Legman's annotations of the bawdy texts. [ B ] In what seems to be a British and/or Australian version, the alphabet is fitted to the familiar tune of the nursery rhyme and children's song, "The Frog and the Mouse." A is for arsehole all covered in shit, "Heigh-ho," says Rowley, B is the bugger who revels in it, Singing, roly, poly, up' em and stuff' em, "Heigh-ho," says Anthony Rowley. C is for cunt all dripping with piss, Heigh-ho, etc . . . D is the drunkard who gave it a kiss, etc . . . E is the eunuch with only one ball, F is the fucker with no balls at all. G is for goiter, gonorrhea, and gout, H is the harlot who spreads it about. I is for insertion, injection, and itch, J is the jerk of a dog on a bitch. K is the knight who thought fucking a bore, L is the lesbian who came back for more. M is the maidenhead all tattered and torn, N is the noble who died on his horn. O is for orifice all cunningly concealed, P is for penis all pranged up and peeled. Q is the Quaker who shat in his hat, R is the Rajah who rogered the cat. S is the shit-pot all filled to the brim, T are the turds which are floating within. U is the usher who taught us at school, V is the virgin who played with his tool. W is the whore who thought fucking a farce, And X, Y, and Z you can shove up your arse! As "Heigh-Ho, Says Rowley," this is number 178 in Paul Woodford, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994). Woodford identifies the tune to which the song is sung as "Froggie Goes A-Courtin'." Woodford's collection was gathered from among hashers, a number of whom in the Pacific Basin are from the British Commonwealth. A variant of this form is in Hogbotel and Ffuckes, p. 31. That form is also used in some versions of "The Farmer's Curst Wife"(Child 278); see Bronson IV, pp. 187-189. [ C ] The Whore's Alphabet A is for asshole, all tattered and torn Hey! Ho! Says Rowley! B is the bastard that's never been born With a roly, poly, up 'em and stuff 'em Hey HO! said Anthony Rowley! C is for cunt, all dripping with jiss D is the drunkard that gave it a kiss E is the eunuch, with only one ball F is the fucker with no balls at all G is for gonorrea, goiter and gout H is the harlot what spreads it about I for injection for syphillis and itch J is the jerk of a dog on a bitch K is the kiss that the virgin thinks nice L is the lecher that puts it in twice M is the monk, the dirty old sod And N is the nun that he put in the pod O is for orfice, now fully revealed And P is for prick, with foreskin back-peeled Q is the Quaker what shit in his hat And R is the Roger that rogered the cat S is for shit-can, all filled to the brim And T are the turds all floating therein U is the usher that pulled on his pud And V is the virgin that wishes she could W's the whore that made fucking her fast And X, Y and Z you can shove up your ass Under the title of "A is for..." and described as "traditional," this is included in the "Ioseph of Lockesley Black Book," a song collection which circulates in Society for Creative Anachronisms and Renaissance Fair circles, as forwarded by Susan Johns of Austin, Texas, June 26, 1996. No tune was indicated. [ D ] Given the rarity of this bawdy song, it is worth including the fragmentary text with its unusual chorus recorded by long-retired woodsman Lewis Winfield Moody for the Library of Congress, on AAFS 4972, July 21, 1941. The "jib boom" euphemism in the chorus suggests Moody's version is a sea song come ahsore. A is for asshole all covered with hair And B is for bollocks that logn to be there. C is for cunt... Chorus: "Oh, ding darling, ding darling, ding darling," said she, "I'll be your dear darling, if you'll walk with me." I winked and I blinked at your ol' magazine And I shoved the jib boom in her scrubbing machine. E is the end of a long shitting stick And F is for fucker who fucked off his prick. G is for gobbler all greasy and fat And H is the hairy old ass of the cat. I is ________ a mile and a half round And J is the jolliest old whore in town. L is the lousy old whorey itch. K is the kissing-ass son of a bitch. M is for maiden with long curly locks And N is for ________with flat-headed cocks. O is for owl, that's stuck in the grass And P is for prick, it'll [hang] down to your ass. Q is for queen, that wants to suck And R is for Rooshin that wants to fuck. And S is for shithouse I ne'er did approach And T stands for turd that upset the mail coach. U is for ________________________________ V is for virgin _________________________ W is for ________________________________ And Z is for zigaroo. [sic] Paul Woodford's omnibus collection of hash songs, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994), has an analagous parody set to the melody of the formerly popular song "A, You're Adorable." Because its oral currency is yet to be established, it is included here rather than given individual identity: A, you've got asshole stains, B, you've got balls for brains, C, you've hardly got a cock at all, D, like a dorker's tool, E, your ass exudes stool, F, your farts smell like fucking shit, G, you've got gonorrhea, H, hemorrhoids to your knees, I, eyes that run and bleed and itch, J, you can jack your jizz, K, you can kiss my phizz, L, fuckin' lousy son-of-a-bitch, M-N-O-P, menstrual blood on your prick, Q-R-S-T, alphabetically speaking you're S-H-I-T U, make my pussy itch, V-D down to your feet, W-X-Y-Z, I love to wander through the alphabet with you, To tell the Hash what you mean to me. There are other bawdy alphabet songs cited in Cazden's magnificent Catskill collection, pp. 43-45 and the comprehensive Notes to that collection, pp. 7-8. In addition, see MacGregor, pp. 111-114, with two texts from Australia. Morgan I, pp. 31-32, has a British text in the "Rowley" stanzaic form. Cleveland, p. 94, says New Zealand troops sang this during the second world war. Additional versions, without the bawdry, are in Helen Creighton and Doreen Senior, Songs and Ballads from Nova Scotia; As "The Sailor's Alphabet," the song was recorded by the contemporary singing group Fairport Convention in a version learned from A.L. Lloyd, Paul J. Stamler noted in a message to rec.music.folk on July 9, 1996. Ewan MacColl has recorded it on A Sailor's Garland, long out of print. Another group, the Boarding Party, sings the song on Tis Our Sailing Time (Folk Legacy). These versions are stamped with the "jolly Jack Tar" stage or broadside conventions: A's for the anchor that lies at our bow. B's for the bowsprit and the jibs all lie low. C's for the capstan we all run around. D's for the davits to lower the boat down. Chorus: Merrily, merrily, so merry sail we. No mortal on earth like a sailor at sea. Heave away, haul away, the ship rolls along. Give a sailor his grog and there's nothing goes wrong. E's for the ensign that at our peak flew. F's for the foc's'le where lives our wild crew. G's for the galley where the salt junk smells strong. H is the halliards we hoist with a song. I's for the eyebolt no good for the feet. J's for the jibs, boys, stand by the lee sheet. K's for the knightheads where the petty officer stands. L's for the leeside hard found by new hands. M's for the mainmast, it's stout and it's strong. N's for the needle that never points wrong. O's for the oars of our old jollyboat. P's for the pinnace that lively do float. Q's for the quarterdeck where the officers stand. R's for the rudder that keeps the ship in command. S's for the stunsells that drive us along. T's for the topsail, to get there takes long. U's for the uniform mostly worn aft. V's for the vangs running from the main shaft. W's for the water, we're on a pint and a pound, And X marks the spot where old Stormy was drowned. Y's for the yardarm needs a good sailorman. Z is for Zoe, I'm her fancy man. Z's also for zero in the cold wintertime, And now we have brought all the letters in rhyme. "Old Stormy" in the penultimate stanza is a reference to the legendary seaman Old Stormalong. See B.A. Botkin, A Treasury of American Folklore for details.