I-Yi-Yi-Yi

[ D ]

	Susan Johns of Austin, Texas, <sjohns@mail.utexas.edu>forwarded on June 22, 1996, an extended version of "Waltz Me Around Hrothgar"  -- our song as sung in Renaissance Faire circles.  According to Ms. Johns, one Gibbon the Troubador performs it, singing the chorus to the melody of 
"Celito Lindo" while the verses are spoken.  "Who wrote it," Ms. Johns concluded, "I have no
 idea."  



Chorus:  
Ai, ai, ai, ai!

I am drunker than you are
.
So sing me another verse
,
That's worse than the other verse
,
And waltz me around again, Hrothgar! 



	In some versions, Ms. Johns noted, the second line of the chorus "gets changed often to reflect a limerick used in the verse
 before": 



Ai, ai, ai, ai
,
Your sister's in love with a carrot...



	"In Gibbon the Troubadour's version, the last line of the chorus is 'Waltz me around by my willy.'"
	Ms. Johns identified her sources and the presumed authorship of some of the verses.  Included here are only those limericks she credited as "traditional," or the editor has identified as traditional.  Additional verses from Renaissance Faire circles are posted by Joseph Bethancourt on his web page.

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones we've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!	

While Titian was mixing rose madder
He espied a nude girl on a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er!

A wanton young lady from Wembly 
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Answered, "Heavens above!"
"I know sex is not love! 
But it's such an attractive facsimile!"

There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr
Who committed a dreadful faux pas
She loosened a stay
In her decollette
Exposing her je ne sais quoi!	

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked: "Why a third?"
He replied: "One's absurd!"
"And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"

There once was a young knight from Kent
Whose thing was so long that it bent!
To save himself trouble
He'd put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!

A serious thought for today
Is one that may cause dismay:
Just what are the forces
That bring little horses
If all the big horses say "Neigh?"

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a "Doing Machine"
Concave and convex
It could "do" either sex,
But oh, what a bastard to clean!

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly!

At the Revel last night down in Crewe
I found a large mouse in the stew
Said the waiter "Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the King will be wanting one, too!"

There was a young lady named Greene
Who grew so abnormally lean
And flat and compressed
That her back touched her chest
And sideways, she couldn't be seen!

There was a young man from Nantucket 
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
Said he, with a grin, 
As he wiped off his chin, 
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!"

There once was an old maid from Wooster
Who thought that a man had seduced her
When looking around,
She finally found:
'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her!

There was an old lady from Munich
Who was ravished one night by a eunuch
At the height of her passion
He slipped her a ration
From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic!

There once was a mighty stick-jock
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach!

An attractive young lady named Myrtle
Had quite an affair with a turtle.
What is more phenomenal
A swelling abdominal
Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile!

An unfortunate fellow named Chase
Had an ass that was badly misplaced
He showed indignation
When investigation
Proved that few persons shit thru their face! 

A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom
Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom.
His mistress did shout
As he pulled the thing out
"Dc gustibus non disputandum!"

A habit obscene and unsavoury
Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary!

There was a young harlot from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said, with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too!"

There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who was sadly deficient in sex
Arraigned for exposure
He said, with composure,
"De minimus non curat lex!" (The law is not concerned with
     small things.)   

There was an old lady of Tring
Who, when somebody asked her to sing
Replied, "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell 'God
Save The Weasel' from 'Pop Goes The King!"  

A young poet, whose name was McMahon
Wrote verse that never would scan
When they said, "But the thing
Doesn't move with a swing,
He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can!  


There once was a man named Old Jossil
Who found a most int'resting fossil
He could tell by the bend
And the knot in the end,
T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle!

There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born by the light of the moon
He had not the luck
To be born of a ftick
But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon!

There once was a man from Shambock
Who played the bass viol with his cock
With massive erections
He rendered selections
From Johaim Sebastian Bach!	

There once was a girl from Milpitas
Who had a great yen for coitus
Her athletic friend
Had an itch on the end,
So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus!

There once was a girl from Mobile
Had a cunt made of crucible steel
Her greatest sex-thrill
Was a rotary drill
And an off-center emery wheel!

A broken-down harlot named Truppe
Was heard to confess, in her cups,
"The height of my folly
Was to diddle a collie,
But I got a nice prize for the pups!"

There once was a man named Grost
Who had an affair with a ghost
He said, with a spasm,
At the height of orgasm,
"I think I can feel it, almost!"

There once was a Corsair named Bates
Who did the fandango, on skates;
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates!

There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major.

There was a young lady from York
Who was greatly adverse to the stork
But no matter how firm,
She feared no man's sperm,
For she plugged it up first with a cork! 

There was an old Count from Svoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her,
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda!

There was a young lady from Arden
Who was blowing a man in a garden,
He said, in a huff:
"Do you swallow the stuff?"
She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?" 

The lovely young Countess of Bole
Had a sense of humor most droll
To a masquerade ball
She wore nothing at all,
And backed in as a Parker House Roll!    

There was a young man from old Sparta
Who was a magnificent farta
He could fart anything
From "God Save the Queen,"
To a solo from "La Traviata!"    

On the chest of a Countess named Gail
Was tatooed the price of her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information, in Braille!

All the lady apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long,
But a friendly giraffe
Took his yard-and-a-half
And ecstatically broke into song!   

A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
For the pitch of her organ went tinny! (S) ** The stanzas marked by Ms. Johns with an (S) are taken from the Singapore Hash House Harriers, which may account for the Anglophonic rhymes in some of them.Ż

There once was a young girl of Devon
Who was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican priests,
The lascivious beasts!,
For such is the Kingdom of Heaven. (S)     

When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed "How appealing!
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" (S)

There was a young lady from Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh, she knew...but she went!  (S)

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratchin' her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said "Rose"
"It's the crabs, I suppose..."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!" (S)

There was a young man of St. James
Who indulged in the jolliest games.
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim
And laughed as she pissed thru the flames! (S)

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt.
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt!    (S)

There was a young girl from Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling!  (S)

A hermit who had an oasis
Thought it the best of all places.
He could pray and be calm
'Neath a pleasant date-palm,
While the lice on his pecker ran races!   (S)

The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?"    (S)

The gay young Duke of Buckingham 
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham, 
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts and the punts, 
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em! (S)

A mathematician named Ball
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four-fifths of five-eighths fucking all! (S)

There was a young student of Trinity
Who shattered his sister's virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honours in Divinity!   (S)

There was a young fellow named Scott
Who took a girl out on his yacht,
But, too lazy to rape her,
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly threw at her twat!   (S)

There was a young ~lady from Exeter
So pretty, that men craned their necks at her.
One went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her! (S)

There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender,
And dainty and tender,
So he kept it enclosed in a thimble! (S)

An organist, playing at York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
And, between obligattos,
He'd munch at tomatoes
To keep up his strength while at work!

There once was a tart from Madrid
Who learned she was having a kid.
By holding her water
Three months and a quarter,
She drowned the poor bastard, she did!   (T)

From the depths of the crypt at St. Styles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the Vicar, "Good gracious!"
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"


Said Queen Isabella of Spain, 
"I'd like it just now and again, 
But please let me explain,
By 'now and again,'
I mean NOW, and AGAIN! and AGAIN!	(U)

A Duchess with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic
When they asked her its size,
She exclaimed in surprise:
"Do you want that in square feet...or cubic?" 

T'was a randy young wench down in Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when you came
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Methinks that we'll have to start over!" 

A lascivious Scotsman from Neap 
Remarked as he ravished a sheep 
"I'm hoping I shall
Someday hump a gal,
But they're neither as tight, nor as cheap!" 

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in? 

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude,
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You~re a tight one."
She replied," Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."

A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You~'re in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I~'ve had him myself down in Leicester.

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you c~ame,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude,
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he, but could he?

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."     

My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet;
And, my God! it's a quarter to four!

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame!
A discharge is a wonderful thing. 

The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgin's,
And swarms with erotic effex. 

There was a young fellow named Lancelot,
Who his neighbors all looked on askance a lot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina
To the shock of the fucker
'Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."

The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.

There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical flood.

There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see. 

A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.

If you're speaking of actions immoral
Then how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.

There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don't bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker.

There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."

There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.

There was a young girl from Sofia (pron: So-fire)
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy -- but canny:
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.

A harlot of note named Le Dux
Would always charge seventy bucks,
But for that she would suck you,
And wink-off and fuck you.
The whole thing was simply de luxe!

There was an old whore named McGee
Who was just the right sort for a spree.
She said, "For a fuck
I charge half a buck,
And I throw in the ass-hole for free."

A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.

Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a 'panoe'?"

There was a young Corsair at sea **Apparently a traditional limerick has been adapted to Renaissance Fair circumstances.Ż 
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 
"I see," said the mate, 
"That accounts for the state 
Of the captain, the purser, and me."

There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a horse, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.

And then there's a story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath --  Oh, I can't bear the thought!

There was a young man with a hernia
Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya,
When carving my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With matters that do not concern ya."

There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her
And left her to pay for the room.

There was an old rake from Stamboul
Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool.
No lack of affection
Reduced his erection
But his zipper had just caught his tool.

A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand,
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.

She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.

A vigorous fellow named Bert
Was attracted by every new skirt.
Oh, it wasn't their minds
But their rounded behinds
That excited this loveable flirt.

There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.

A psychoneurotic fanatic
Said, "I take little girls to the attic,
Then whistle a tune
'Bout the cow and the moon,
When the cow jumps, I come. It's dramatic."

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell
As a shot rang the bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong."

Van Gogh found a whore who would lay, 
And accept a small painting as pay. 
"Vive l'Art!" cried Van Gogh, 
"But it's too fucking slow
I wish I could paint ten a day!"

A young man who lived in Khartoum
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than the female vagina,
So he kept three or four in his room.  

There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.

There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."

When the judge, with his wife having sport,
Proved suddenly two inches short,
The good woman declined,
And the judge had her fined
By proving contempt of the court.

The mathematician Von Blecks
Devised an equation for sex,
Having proved a good fuck
Isn't patience or luck,
But a function of Y over X.

A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view is worth more than the ransom.

An elderly pervert in Nice
Was long past wanting a piece.
So he'd jack off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
'Til his parrot called in the police!

There was a young Scot up the way
Who buggered his father one day
Saying, "I like it rather
To stuff it up Father.
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay!"  

[ E ]

	A number of alternative or substitute lines for the chorus are included in the Phi Kappa Psi songbook current at UCLA in 1991-1992, a copy of which was furnished by Ms. Kelly Besser.

Ay, ay, ay, ay,
Your mother sucks bat shit from cave walls.

Ay, ay, ay, ay,
Your mother sucks golf balls through hose pipe.

Similarly:
Your mother makes soup with used condoms.
Your mother plays leapfrog with unicorns.
Your brother got AIDS from your father.
Your mother sucks moose cum off pine cones.

	A virtually identical set is in "The Songbook of Sigma Pi," UCLA, circa 1990-1992, a copy of which was furnished by Ms. Besser.
	Additional limericks gathered from various sources are included in the Limerick Appendix.