The Lehigh Valley

[ B ]

Give me a drink, bartender,
Two stones I have in my pants.
Jesus Christ Almighty!
Can't you give a bum a chance?

For I was once young and handsome,
Money to burn and good clothes,
Till I took to lapping cunts,
And got chancres on my nose.

Twas down in the Lehigh Valley,
Me and my pal, Lou,
There we pimped for a whore house,
And a God damned good one too.

Twas there I met my Nelly.
She had just turned twenty-six,
And there wasn't a broad in the valley.
Who could beat her sucking pricks.

But along came a brass-band actor,
And he stole my Nell away.
But I'll hunt the runt who stole my cunt
If it takes till Judgment Day.

It's just a year gone by
Since my Nell got taken wrong.
He shoved it up her bung-hole,
A place where it don't belong.

Then back to her mother's arms she flew,
Back to her mother's teats.
There she came down with the diarrhea,
And died of the raving shits.

Shit! You should have seen it!
By the steaming ton it flew.
She flooded the Lehigh Valley,
And we lived on diarrhea stew!

So give me a drink, bartender,
And I'll be on my way,
And I'll hunt the runt who stole my cunt
If it takes till Judgment Day!


[ C ]

Let me sit down and rest, stranger.
My balls are all covered with gleet.**  The meaning of "gleet" seems to have eluded the compilers of the standard slang and canting dictionaires.¯
Don't offer me sponge cake and ice cream,
I didn't shit on that seat.

It was down in the Lehigh Valley,
Me and my brother Lew,
We were pimping for a flesh factory,
And we were damn good ones too.

I got stuck on a bladder called Fanny,
And she were clean out of sight.
She could fuck like a mink in the daytime
And suck to a finish at night.

She was the pride of the valley,
And she was a dandy flyer.
But I, I had Bright's Disease in my kidneys
And I couldn't satisfy her.

It's the same old story, stranger:
There came a city chap, one of those oily-assed fiends,
Who'd been rolling his bludgeon in Boston,
Where they feed them on pork and beans.

He war the guy for my Fanny,
Young, and he had lots of tin.
Why his balls were big as your hat, stranger,
And he'd a prick like a coupling pin.**  This would date the song to before the first world war and the ARA's imposition of rules that banned the old loop and pin couplers.¯

She got stuck on his game did my Fanny,
And he played his cards so neat
That in six months she was back in the valley
Crawling again at my feet.

She told me as how he had left her,
Left her with a bottle of Zip,
And she took a dose from the bastard,
The guy with the syphilis lip.

She told me as how he had sold her,
Sold her for what she had brung,
And when she got worse she got shankers
All over her mouth and tongue.

Well, I must be going, stranger.
I've nothing more to say,
But I'll find the runt that stole my cunt
If it takes me till Judgment Day.

[ D ]

'Twas a stormy winter's evening,
And the boys were gathered round,
The glowing stove in Murphy's place
That was called the "Hole in the Ground."

When in there drifted a hobo,
A ragged and unkempt chap,
With the marks of dissipation,
Written all over his map.

"Don't stare at me, bartender,
I didn't shit in your seat.
I've just come down from the mountains
With my balls all covered with gleet.

"'Twas down in the Lehigh Valley,
Me and my old pal, Lu,
We were pimps there for whorehouse
And god damn good ones too.

"I had a girl named Nellie.
She wasn't so awfully tough,
But I had a disease of the kidneys
And I couldn't give her enough.

"When along came a city feller,
One of those oily-assed fiends,
The kind who'd stick his plunger
In a dish of pork and beans.

"Bartender, he frenched my Nellie.
He kissed it and stole her away.
That's what drove me to drink, boys,
And that's why I'm here today.

"So, give me a drink, bartender,
And I'll be on my way,
For I'll catch the runt what stole my cunt,
If it takes till Judgment Day." 

	These three texts, all without music, are from the Canfield collection, assembled in early 1926.  There is no evidence they are song texts; and internal evidence suggests they were declaimed rather than sung.

[ E ]

	The oldest text to hand, dated March 3, 1918, is in the Robert W. Gordon "Inferno," Number 3913, and possibly sent to Gordon from Cleveland, Ohio.  Effectively, it is a paraphrase of the last six stanzas of the "D" version.

Don't look at me that way, mister,
I didn't shit on the seat.
I just came down from the mountains
And me balls are itching with gleet.

We hail from Lehigh Valley,
Me and my brother Lou.
We were pimps in a whorehosue
And God damn good ones too.

Now I had a girl named Ivy
And she was just the stuff.
There weren't nothing wrong with her liver.
By God, you couldn't give her enough.

But along came a guy named Duncan
And he was a city chap.
He took her off in the mountains
And gave her a dose of the clap.

Then along came a Mexican greaser.
He was handsome and rich.
He took her off and raped her,
The pink whiskered son of a bitch.

So that's why I'm here tonight, sir,
And it's here I'm going to stay,
For I'll catch the run that stole my cunt
If it takes me till Judgment Day.

[ F ]


Down in the Lehigh Valley,
Me and me old pal Lew
Was pimpin' for a whorehouse,
And a god damned keen one too.

I had a gal; her name was Nell
She wasn't very rough,
But I had Bright's disease in the kidneys 
And I couldn't screw her enough.

Along come this city chap,
He was handsome and rich.
He stole the affection, took my Nell,
That dirty son of a bitch.

Now, just one more drink, boys,
And I'll be on my way
To hunt the runt that stole my cunt
If it takes 'til Judgment Day.

	Recited by Orrin Miller of Scottville, Michigan, in 1977 to Paul Gifford, of Flint, Michigan.  Miller, a native of Mason County, Michigan, was retired at the time, supporting himself by knitting stocking caps.
	This version of the "Bright's disease/kidney" variant represents the classic process of folk tradition, that is, the pruning of the narrative to the essential elements.


[ G ]

	Folklorist Roger Abrahams on April 17, 1959, forwarded a fragment of a ballad that seems to be fading from tradition.

It was down in the Lehigh Valley,
My brother George and I,
We ran the village whorehouse,
Selling whiskey on the sly.

There was a girl named Nellie,
Oh, she was mighty tough.
No matter how much you screwed her,
She never had enough.

One day a city slicker
Caught my Nellie on the sly...