Lydia Pinkham ŽIP5¯Despite frequent reports earlier in the century, this once popular quatrain-ballad has eluded the editor. There would seem to be some question whether "Lydia" has continued in oral tradition in the last generation. [ A ] Chorus: Then we'll sing, we'll sing, we'll sing of Lydia Pinkham, Savior of the human race. How she makes, she bottles, she sells her vegetable compound, And the papers publish her face. Widow Brown, she had no children, Though she loved them very dear, So she took, she swallowed, she gargled some vegetable compound, And now she has them twice a year. Willie Smith had peritonitis And he couldn't piss at all. So he took, he swallowed, he gargled some vegetable compound, And now he's a human waterfall. Mrs. Jones had rotten kidneys; Poor old lady couldn't pee. So she took, she swallowed, she gargled some vegetable compound, And now they pipe her out to sea. Geraldine, she had no breastworks And she couldn't fill her blouse. So she took, she swallowed, she gargled some vegetable compound, And now they milk her with the cows. Arthur White had been castrated And he had not a single nut. So he took, he swallowed, he gargled some vegetable compound, And now they hand all 'round his butt. Billy Black lacked hair on his balls, And his pecker wouldn't peck, So he took, he swallowed, he gargled some vegetable compound, Now it's as long as a gy-raffe's neck. [ B ] Chorus: Oh, we'll sing, we'll sing, we'll sing To Lydia Pinkham, Pinkham, Pink, And her boon to the human race. We'll sing to Lydia Pinkham; She wipes the pimples off your face. Mrs. Morehouse kept a whorehouse But her girls weren't worth a dime. So she gave them vegetable compound. Now they're working overtime. Mrs. Jones, she had no breastworks; She was flat across the prow. Then she took some vegetable compound. Now they milk her like a cow. Mary Anne, she loved her father, But she blushed because his penis was so long. So she took some vegetable compound. Now she's conscious of no wrong. Lovely Beryl, she was sterile. Husband couldn't make a hit. So she took some vegetable compound. Now two babies suck each tit. Mrs. Darrow was so narrow That a toothpick was too thick. So she took some vegetable compound. Now there's room for an elephant's prick. [ C ] Chorus: Let us sing, sing, sing To Lydia Pinkham, Pinkham, Ping, And her love for the human race. How she makes her vegetable compound While the papers publish her face, publish her face. Oh, it sells for a dollar a bottle Which is very cheap, you see, And if one doesn't cure you She will sell you six for three. Mrs. Brown, she had no children Which grieved her sore, my dear. She took a bottle of Lydia's compound Now she has a litter a year. Willie Jones, he went to Harvard Where he had a sad mishap. Took two bottles of Lydia's compound, But it wouldn't cure the clap. Mrs. Smith had female weakness And she thought it women's yield. Took three bottles of Lydia's compound And can plow a ten-acre field. Mrs. White had bladder trouble, And she thought she couldn't pee. Took four bottles of Lydia's compound. Now they pipe her to the sea. [ D ] Sing, oh, sing of Lydia Pinkham And her love for the huamn race. How she makes her Vegetable Compound And the papers publish her face. Oh! it sells for a dollar a bottle And it cures all manner of ills And is more highly recommended Than Releeve Ladies' Pills. Sister Susie had no breastworks. She had nothing 'neath her blouse Till she took one bottle of compound. Now they milk her with the cows. Widow Brown had female weakness, Bearing down pains like needles and pins; Soaked her feet in Vegetable Compound And became the mother of twins. Mrs. Jones has urinitis. Indeed, she couldn't pee at all. But she drank one bottle of compound And, behold! a waterfall. Tommy Brown, he went to Harvard Where he met with an awful mishap Took ten bottles of Lydia's compound But it would not cure the clap. [ E ] Mrs. Brown was constipated. It was hard for her to pass. She took five bottles of Lydia's compound And wears afaucet in her ass. Mrs. Blue had monthly troubles. It was hard for her to leak. She took six bottles of Lyida's compound. She comes sick now twice a week. [sic] Mrs. Smith had diarrhea, Couldn't sleep for Nature's call, Took two bottles of Lydia's cvompound. Now she sleeps right through it all. Mrs. Jackson had lumbago, Felt as though her back was broke, Took four bottles of Lydia's compound. Now she gives an eight-inch stroke. Nellie Johnson lost her cherry. She was ruined, without a doubt. Took two bottles of Lydia's compound, Now she's glad that it is out. Sarah Jones was nearly thirty, And had never been seduced, Took three bottles of Lydia's compound, Now she practices self-abuse. [ F ] Chorus: Oh, we sing, we sing,w e sing of Lydia Pinkham And her love for the human race! She invented a wonderful compound, And now the papers publish her face. Oh, Mrs. Jones had bladder trouble, And she couldn't take a pee; So she drank, she drank, she drank a bottle of compound, And now they pipe her out to sea. Oh, Mrs. Smith, she had no breastworks Which made her husband raise a row; So she drank, she drank, she drank two bottles of compound, And now they milk her like a cow. Oh, Mrs. Brown had woman's weakness And she shad no children dear; So she drank, she drank, she drank three bottles of compound, And now she has them twice a year. [ G ] Mrs. Brown had a female weakness, And she had no children dear' So she wrote to Lydia Pinkham, And now she's having seven a year. Chorus: Sing, Oh, sing (Oh sing, oh sing) Of Lydia Pinkham (Pinkham, Pinkham) And her love for the human race. How she sells her Vegetable Compound, And the papers publish her face. [ H ] Chorus: We'll drink and drink and drink To Lydia Pinkham, Pinkham, pink , The savior of the human race . She invented medicinal compound, Most applicacious in every case. Ebenezer thought he was Julius Caesar , So they put him in a home , And they gave him medicinal compound , And now he's Emperor of Rome. According to Gershon Legman, annotating the first volume of Randolph's "Unprintable" collection, Roll Me in Your Arms, pp. 485-489, this quatrain-ballad is sung to the hymn tune "I Will Sing of My Redeemer." It celebrates the tonic first marketed in 1869 by Mrs. Isaac Pinkham, whose face enhanced the label and the company's standing newspaper ads alike. The alcohol-laced tonic, having weathered both the Pure Food and Drug Act of 1906 and the long drought of Prohibition (1919-1933) was still available in the 1980s. The "A" text, from the mother of a former student, was printed in the first edition of The Erotic Muse, p. 56, but dropped from the second on the dual grounds of a lack of oral currency, and a lack of space. Though space is no longer a factor in the electronic world of the 'Net and the Web, the lack of oral currency argument still pertains. This The "B" through "G" versions of the song printed here are from the Canfield collection made in the late 1920s. Only the "C" text, identified by Canfield's informant as "University of Michigan version," has any provenience. Significantly, "Lydia Pinkham" is one of the most frequently encountered songs in the Canfield collection, yet it is rarely recovered just seventy years later. As use of the patent medicine itself has dwindled, so too has the satire sung about it. Bawdy and inoffensive variants of this circulated simultaneously in oral tradition. Sandburg, p. 210; Leach, p. 106; Lynn, p. 49; Loesser, p. 281; Immortalia (1927) pp. 19-20; and the 1968 reprint, pp. 38-39, all had it from the first decades of the century. Additionally, Reuss mentions "some interesting documentation" for midwestern campus versions, p. 27, but prints no text or tune. Five other citations -- three with texts -- have come to light since the publication of the first edition of The Erotic Muse. Leonard Tushnet, M.D., The Medicine Men (New York, 1971), p. 24, states "Lydia Pinkham survives only in bawdy ballads." Shaw, p. 9, obliquely mentions the song, giving it currency in Great Britain. Morgan II, p. 105, has four stanzas and a chorus from British tradition, but close to American versions. Getz I, pp. L-9, 10, has two versions from Air Force songbooks. Hart's Immortalia, III, pp. 82 ff., has 10 stanzas and a tune. Jeff Mach on June 19, 1996, posted to the usegroup bawdy-l bdragon.shore.net the fragmentary "H" text with the comment, "The only 'Lydia Pinkham' I know is sung by an Irish group, and, if 'tis the same song, is presumably rather cleaned up... " Despite these reports, there would seem to be some question whether "Lydia" has continued in oral tradition in the last generation.