From Joe Fineman, May 15, 1994

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^[l^[w1The Moose Song^[w0

[Tune: "Sweet Betsy from Pike"]

When I was a young man, I used to like girls:
I'd tickle their tummies and play with their curls --
Till my girlfriend ran off with a salesman named Bruce.
Now ye'd never be treated that way by a moose!

        And it's moose, moose, I like a moose.
        I've never had anything quite like a moose:
        I've had men and women, my life has been loose,
        But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

Whenever I feels I'm in need of a lay
I goes to the closet and I gets me some hay.
I goes to the window and spreads it around --
'Cause a moose always comes when there's hay on the ground!

I've done it with all sorts of beasties with hair;
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs wasn't there.
I've had me a chicken, a duck and a goose;
But I've never had anything quite like a moose!

Purple gorillas on Saturday nights,
Lions and tigers -- they puts up a fight;
But it's just not the same when ye slams their caboose
As the feeling ye get when ye're humpin' a moose!

[slowly...]

Now I am old and advancing in years.
I looks back on life and I sheds me no tears.
I sits on the porch with a glass of Mateus --
Playin' hide-the-salami with Minnie the Moose!