No Balls at All

[ C ]

Come all you young drunkards give ear to my tale,
I'll tell you a story that will make you turn pale,
It's about a young lady so pretty and small,
Who married a man who had no balls at all.

Chorus: 
No balls at all, no balls at all,
She felt for his balls, he had no balls at all.

"Oh mother, oh mother, oh pity my luck,
I've married a man who's unable to fuck,
His toolbag is empty, his screwdriver's small,
The impotent wretch has got no balls at all."

Chorus: 
No balls at all, no balls at all,
The impotent wretch has got no balls at all.

"My daughter, my daughter, don't be so sad,
I had the same problem with your dear old dad,
But there's many a man who'll give ear to the call,
Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all."

Chorus: 
No balls at all, no balls at all,
To the wife of a man who has no balls at all.

The pretty young girl took her mother's advice,
And she thought the whole thing was exceedingly nice,
An eighteen-pound baby was born in the fall,
But the poor little bastard had no balls at all.

Chorus: 
No balls at all, no balls at all,
The poor little bastard had no balls at all.

According to Paul Woodford, this hashers' version of "No Balls at All" is sung to the ubiquitous tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike."  The text is number 94 in Woodford's "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994).

[ D ]

The Hubert Canfield Collection gathered in 1927 contains three versions similar to the "B" text in the second edition of The Erotic Muse.  One offers a postscript to the story:

So she got an apartment and sent out the word,
And if she fucked one, she fucked a helluva herd.
Now a bouncing big baby is born every fall
To the wife of the man who had no balls at all.

Chorus:
What!  No balls at all!
No!  No balls at all!
On the wife [son?] of the man who had no balls at all.