72.  I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE ARMY
Melody--Itself

I don't want to join the army,
I don't want to go to war, 
I'd rather hang around Picadilly Underground,
Living off the earnings of a high born lady . . .
I don't want a bullet up me arsehole,
Don't want me buttocks shot away,
I want to stay in England,
Jolly, jolly England,
And fornicate me bloomin' life away, gor blimey

Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
On Wednesday, I confess, I lifted up her dress,
Thursday I saw you-know-what,
Friday I put me hand upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak (Tweak!  Tweak!)
And Sunday after supper, I put the old boy up 'er,
And now she earns me forty bob a week, gor blimey

Call out the Regimental Army,
Call out the Navy and Marines,
Call out me mother,
Me sister and me brother,
But for God's sake,
Don't call me, gor blimey


73.  I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE CONVENT
Melody--Itself

I don't want to join the convent,
Purity is really quite a bore,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't want to waste my life a virgin,
I don't want to count my rosary,
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.

Monday I got myself deflowered,
Tuesday I moved into his house,
On Wednesday I declared, you Hashers aren't so bad,
Thursday a climax!  Oh, gor blimey,
Friday he told me he was leaving,
Saturday he flew to Singapore,
And Sunday starts the party,
To celebrate his parting,
And now I've got eight weeks to fuck around, gor blimey.

I don't want to raise a family,
I'm not cut out for nine to five,
I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing ground,
Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat,
I don't care if I don't go to heaven,
I don't want to go there all alone,  
I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket,
And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey.

From Paul Woodford, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994)