From Unknown Sun 18 Feb 96 03:40:34 Path: usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!howland.reston.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!newsfeeder.servtech.com!news1.io.org!clio.trends.ca!worldlinx.com!telos1.telos.ca!usenet From: "Donald B. McNairn" Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks Subject: Some Limericks Date: Fri, 05 Apr 1996 07:31:20 -0500 Organization: NetReach International Lines: 25 Message-ID: <31651298.71E5@connect.reach.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: c59.reach.net Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.0 (Win95; I) Here is some more limericks - There was a young fellow named Bill Who took an atomic pill, His navel corroded, His asshole exploded, And they found his nuts in Brazil. I lost my arm in the army, I lost my leg in the navy, I lost my balls Over Niagara Falls, And I lost my cock in a lady. There was a young girl from Sofia Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" There was a young fellow named Simon Who tried to discover a hymen, But he found every girl Had relinquished here pearl In exchange for a solitaire diamond. limerick.2 From cray@mizar.usc.edu Sun Jun 29 12:29:05 1995 Path: usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!news.ecn.bgu.edu!ecom4.ecn.bgu.edu!not-for-mail From: cujs7@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu (Jonatha Steckelberg) Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks Subject: Re: Any limericks writers out there? Date: 29 Jun 1995 12:29:05 -0500 Organization: Educational Computing Network, Illinois USA Lines: 42 Message-ID: <3sunt1$i95@ecom4.ecn.bgu.edu> References: <3s0edi$dc2@news.ualr.edu> <3sh5v8$ivg@news.bu.edu> <3sjab9$1l3@nnrp3.primenet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ecom4.ecn.bgu.edu Status: RO X-Status: In article , Joseph C Fineman wrote: >buyensl@primenet.com (Lorrill Buyens) writes: > >>Ay, ay, ay-ay! >>In China it never grows chilly, >>So give us another verse >>That's worse than the first verse, >>And make sure that it's foolish and silly! > >The adult version of that chorus, used with all manner of limericks, is > >Ay, ay, ay-ay! >In China they do it for chili, >So let's have another verse >That's worse than the other verse -- >Waltz me around again, Willy. > >The second line may be varied cyclically as follows: > >In Chile they do it with turkeys. >In Turkey they do it with grease. >In Greece they do it for china. or if you want like the ones John Valby does Your mother swims after troop ships the troop ships send your mother back your father refills cream doughnuts your sister can suck start a Harley your mother and sister are cousins your father sucks farts out of old sofas your sister goes down for a quarter your brother spent a dollar on my (your) sister your mother rides bicycles without seats your sister's the two minute drill for the Cowboys your mother douches with Draino etc atc Jon Steckelberg On On From cray@mizar.usc.edu Mon Jun 30 08:31:57 1995 Path: usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!in1.uu.net!portal.austin.ibm.com!bocanews.bocaraton.ibm.com!watnews.watson.ibm.com!news.manassas.ibm.com!news@cc5 From: Angus Scrotum Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks Subject: Re: Any limericks writers out there? Date: 30 Jun 1995 08:31:57 GMT Organization: Save The Ho's Foundation Lines: 22 Message-ID: <3t0cpt$e1e@news.manassas.ibm.com> References: <3s0edi$dc2@news.ualr.edu> <3s8ech$rsq@crl10.crl.com> <3sh5v8$ivg@news.bu.edu> <3sjab9$1l3@nnrp3.primenet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pen550.lexington.ibm.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mailer: Mozilla 1.1N (X11; I; AIX 2) X-URL: news:3sjab9$1l3@nnrp3.primenet.com Status: RO X-Status: >There's a childrens' song which consists of a basic tune to which any >limerick you please (clean ones, of course, since it's a CHILDREN'S song) >can be, and is supposed to be, sung. In between "verses" is supposed to >come the following chorus: > >Ay, ay, ay-ay! >In China it never grows chilly, >So give us another verse >That's worse than the first verse, >And make sure that it's foolish and silly! > Umm, Ummm.... The once was a man from Nantucket... Ah shit... -Angus -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From MAILER-DAEMON Fri Jan 19 15:43:17 1996 Received: from chaph.usc.edu (chaph.usc.edu [128.125.253.133]) by mizar.usc.edu (8.7.2/8.7.2/usc) with ESMTP id PAA20209 for ; Fri, 19 Jan 1996 15:43:16 -0800 (PST) Received: from idunnomyownname (cray.usc.edu [128.125.67.40]) by chaph.usc.edu (8.7.2/8.7.2/usc) with SMTP id PAA07239 for ; Fri, 19 Jan 1996 15:42:50 -0800 (PST) Message-Id: <199601192342.PAA07239@chaph.usc.edu> To: cray@mizar.usc.edu Subject: Lookin' fer Limericks-Their HERE! (fwd) Date: Tue, 28 Nov 95 07:19:49 PST X-Mailer: WinVN 0.93.14 References: <4dil5p$10v@globe.indirect.com> MIME-Version: 1.0 Status: RO X-Status: ----Forwarded---- Path: usc!news.cerf.net!news.sprintlink.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!globe.indi rect.com!usenet From: olbob@bslnet.com (Shagnasty McFilth) Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks Subject: Lookin' fer Limericks-Their HERE! Date: 17 Jan 1996 11:05:29 GMT Organization: bslnet.com Lines: 500 Message-ID: <4dil5p$10v@globe.indirect.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: prc036.bslnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: Text/Plain; charset=US-ASCII A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. ----------------------------------------------------- A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. ----------------------------------------------------- A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions. ----------------------------------------------------- A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. ----------------------------------------------------- A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." ----------------------------------------------------- A widow who fancied a man some Was diddled three times in a hansome. When she clamored for more Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." ----------------------------------------------------- A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" ----------------------------------------------------- An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection -- Corinthian, ionic, and doric. ----------------------------------------------------- He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" ----------------------------------------------------- In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. ----------------------------------------------------- Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus ----------------------------------------------------- Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." ----------------------------------------------------- My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. ------------------------------------- There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter. It was not the size That cause such surprise; 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself in between. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a bluestocking in Florence Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, Till a Spanish grandee, Got her off with his knee, And she burned all her works with abhorrence. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a "k". ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong!" ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young lady named Clair Who possessed a magnificent pair; At least so I thought Till I saw one get caught On a thorn, and begin losing air. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought fucking a bliss, For it tickled her bum And caused her to come .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway. She said to her beau "Just look at me Joe I think I've discovered one more way." ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair, But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, And she threw the switch, As Crockett went off like a rocket. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born, And he wouldn't have been If his father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man of St. John's Who wanted to bugger the swans. But the loyal hall porter Said, "Pray take my daughter! Those birds are reserved for the dons." ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young whore from kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They can pay to get out again too!" ----------------------------------------------------- There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" ----------------------------------------------------- There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young sailor from Brighton Who remarked to his girl "your a tight one" she replied "Pon my soul" you're in the wrong hole There's plenty of room in the right one. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man from Nantucket, Whose dick was so long he could suck it, And he said, with great glee, As it hung past his knee, "If my nose were a cunt, I could fuck it." ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a man from Belfast Whose balls were made out of brass. In stormy weather They clanged together, And lightning shot out of his ass. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a young man from Kent, whose dick was so big it bent. To save him some trouble, he put it in double, and instead of coming, he went. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a young lady called Li Who once tried dynamite for a thrill. They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a lady from Chichester whose face would make Saints in their Niches stir. Her elegant style and warm smile, made the Bishop of ChechesterUs breeches stir. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Dave Who found a dead whore in a cave She looked rather sad And smelled really bad But think of the money he saved. ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man from Nantucket, Whose dick was so long he could suck it, And he said, with great glee, As it hung past his knee, "If my nose were a cunt, I could fuck it." ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a young lady called Lil, who once tried dynamite for a thrill. They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil. ----------------------------------------------------- There once were three girls from Birmingham And this is the story concering 'em. They lifted the frock And tickled the cock Of the bishop who was confirming them. ----------------------------------------------------- Now the bishop was nobody's fool He'd gone to a great public school. So he lowered their britches And buggered those bitches Using his big old saintly tool ----------------------------------------------------- The skater, Barbara Ann Scott Is so fuckingly 'winsome' a snot That when she posed on her toes She elaborately shows Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat ----------------------------------------------------- There was a fair maiden from Aberystwyth Who took grain to the mill to make grist with The miller's son Jack Threw her down on her back And united the organs they pissed with. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a young man named Bart Who strained every shit through a fart. Each tip-tapered turd Was the very last word In this deft and most intricate art. ----------------------------------------------------- There was an old man from Leeds, who swallowed a packet of seeds Great tufts of grass sprouted out of his ass and his balls were all covered with weeds. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a young trollop from Dallas who loved getting diddled with a phallus she squealed with great delight when it was done just right And she felt like the Queen of the Palace. ----------------------------------------------------- Though Gennifer's love was illicit Her story was bold and explicit She still can remember Bill's under-size member And how she won't really miss it! ----------------------------------------------------- Through Congress his budget plan sailed With all those good points it entailed But when it was read So many then said Bill Clinton had surely inhaled. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a Prez name of Bill, With a mandate that he just must fill. Without thought, rhyme, or reason, It's the left that he's pleasin', With his hand in the company till. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a Prez from Hot Springs, With a Flair for Affairs and Hot Flings! His wife - A Ballbuster - Was a real General Custer - Of Health Coverage Arrows and Slings! ----------------------------------------------------- So now we have Clinton the greenie With nothing upstairs in his beanie A character midget Who's still chaising Gidget And foolin around with his weenie. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was an ignorant mob, Who supported a political slob, But with hardly a dent Above forty percent He now has the president's job. ----------------------------------------------------- Bill Clinton's a very slick dude Who loves to do things in the nude; So he pulled off his pants Did the tax-and-spend dance, And now the whole country's been screwed. ----------------------------------------------------- When Slick Willie jogs to the mall Hillary Rodham will soon get a call For when he stops to pee He's going to see That her number's all over the wall ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a Lady named Rodham, Who demanded appointments and got 'em. So by gender and race, They all took their place, In the Clinton's Gomorrah and Sodham. ----------------------------------------------------- With a Commander-In-Chief that is weak, Who suffers a broad yellow streak. Good soldiers are nervous, With queers in the service, That their bunk mate's a sexual freak. ----------------------------------------------------- Slick Willy's top lip bears inspection >From doctors astute at detection With no cold related The cause can be stated It's the other type Herpes infection. ----------------------------------------------------- When the Army and Navy and Air Force Are turning to queers as a rescource, The only thing missin' Is Al and Bill kissin' And that's no doubt comin's of course. ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Slick Willy Who told the whole nation a dilly "I'm your President, folks." But enough with the jokes, Will you tell us who's president, really? ----------------------------------------------------- When Bill and Hillary Slick Made known their political clique Of Lesbians and gays, And folks with strange ways The world became Billary sick. ----------------------------------------------------- There is a new president named Bill With a liberal wife name Hill She will not bake a cookie And will give him no nookie But he knows that Gennifer will. ----------------------------------------------------- Bill Clinton has said quite a lot. And his listeners deserved what they got; But the times he has lied. And the things he's denied Convinced me he's still smoking pot. ----------------------------------------------------- John Hickey received some nice flowers >From Clinton the man of great powers This would be eclectic Has shown he's dyslexic He meant to give hickeys to Flowers. ----------------------------------------------------- Bill says that our taxes must grow So redistribution can flow But Nancy has said it And we won't forget it When dealing with dopes, just say no. ----------------------------------------------------- So now we have Clinton the greenie With nothing upstairs in his beanie A character midget Who's still chasing Gidget And fooling aroound with his weenie. ----------------------------------------------------- Old mother Hubbard Went to the cubbard To get her poor dog a bone When she bent over Rover drove her And found out he had a bone of his own! ----------------------------------------------------- There was a young man from McNair Who liked to screw on the stairs On the sixty eigth stroke The banister broke And he did sixty nine in the air! ----------------------------------------------------- There once was a whore from Azores Whose pussy was covered with sores The dogs in the street Would lick the green meat That hung in festoons from her drawers ----------------------------------------------------- With Robert, her boyfriend, Miss Cobb Would nod when engaged in a job. It was wrongfully said She was bobbing her head, When she really was heading her Bob. ----------------------------------------------------- "Since my sex is bisex," cried Caset, "I've chosen a city thet's racy! With it's either-or zest, I get letters addressed To WASHINGTON, D.C. and A.C.!" ----------------------------------------------------- Wyatt Earp chewed tobacce - the clod!- Which conduced to a habit quite odd: When he popped out his chaw While he practiced his draw, It was clear he'd be shooting his was! ----------------------------------------------------- Her sidesaddle progress was slow; No track tout would rate her a pro. Said Godiva, "I rode While the townspeople oh'd Not to win or to place - but to show!" ----------------------------------------------------- An expansive old harlot named Knapp Had a snatch that she used to entrap Pioneers heading West, And it wasn't in jest She was known as the Cumberland Gap. ----------------------------------------------------- Here's a quote from an actress named Hart, Who was quizzed on her X-rated start; "Since the star's giant prick Measured three inches thick, I began with a challenging part!" ----------------------------------------------------- From jkmtsm@earthlink.net Mon Jun 24 20:34:22 1996 Return-Path: jkmtsm@earthlink.net Received: from iberia.it.earthlink.net (iberia-c.it.earthlink.net [206.85.92.119]) by mizar.usc.edu (8.7.2/8.7.2/usc) with ESMTP id UAA06632 for ; Mon, 24 Jun 1996 20:34:20 -0700 (PDT) Received: from jkmtsm (pool035.maxf.los_angeles.ca.us.dynip.earthlink.net [206.250.105.235]) by iberia.it.earthlink.net (8.7.5/8.7.3) with SMTP id UAA02247 for ; Mon, 24 Jun 1996 20:34:08 -0700 (PDT) Message-ID: <31CF5C25.6383@earthlink.net> Date: Mon, 24 Jun 1996 20:25:25 -0700 From: James & Toni Mattis X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01 (Win95; U) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Ed Cray Subject: All the limericks on my handout & some that didn't survive my second round of censorship Content-Type: message/rfc822 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Disposition: inline Status: RO X-Status: X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Message-ID: <31C0E6D0.5C0F@earthlink.net> Date: Thu, 13 Jun 1996 21:13:04 -0700 From: James Mattis X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01 (Win95; U) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: Molly Bennett Subject: A bunch of limiricks, ASCII text Content-Type: message/rfc822 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Disposition: inline X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Message-ID: <31BF9D5C.4FD4@earthlink.net> Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 21:47:24 -0700 From: James Mattis X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.01 (Win95; U) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: bill, benne@aol.com Subject: A bunch of limiricks, ASCII text Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Disposition: inline; filename="Limerick.txt" LIMERICKS The following matierial is >indecent< and persons under 18 years old, or who would be offended by original sins and improbable sexual misadventures should stop reading at this point. The source is on the Web, "Hash Songs" (http://www.usa.net/~zippy/songtoc.html), which also has the lyrics to over 400 bawdy songs, some of which are not for the tourists. There's a link there to the "Digital Tradition Folk Songs Database" (http://web2.xerox.com/digitrad), which has the words to thousands of songs, most of which are not indecent. This printing is missing a few limericks, not out of deference to Congress or other fools, but because the nerd who saved this file (WordPerfect 6.1 for DOS) hated them (yuck!).This is not to imply that I think that the rest are tasteful they aren't. Some homicide and morbid secretions are still out in cyberspace. Adultery, bestiality, defamation of British clergy, and occasional solid digestive waste remain. Enjoy. Try these tricks at your own risk! jkmtsm@earthlink.net When a woman in strapless attire, Found her breasts working higher and higher, A guest, with great feeling, Exclaimed, "How appealing! Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" There was a young man from Australia, Who went on a wild bacchanalia, He buggered a frog, Two mice, and a dog, And a bishop in fullest regalia. There was a young lady named Anna, Who stuffed her friend's cunt with a banana, Which she sucked bit by bit, >From her partner's warm slit, In the most approved lesbian manner. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Just stroking the butt of his madam, He was quaking with mirth, For in all of the earth, There were only two balls, and he had 'em. There was a young lady called Alice, Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice, It was not for the need, She committed the deed, Out of simple sectarian malice. A young married couple from Aberystwyth, Knew another you couple they played whist with, They all managed when able, To reach under the table, And play with what the other ones pissed with. There was a young man from Abersysthwyth, Who said the girl he just kissed with "That hole in your crotch, Is for fucking and such, And not just a gadget to piss with." There was a young lady called Annie, Who had fleas, lice and crabs up her fanny, To get up her flue, Was like touring the zoo, There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny. There was a young girl from Assizes, Whose breasts were of two different sizes, The left one was small, Sweet nothing at all, The right one was large and won prizes. There once was a lady from Arden, Who sucked a man off in a garden, He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said, (Swallow hard) - I beg pardon?" There was a young lady named Alice, Who thought of her cunt as a chalice, One night sleeping nude, She awoke, feeling lewd, And found in her chalice a phallus. There was a young man from Australia, Who painted his arse like a dahlia, The drawing was fine, The color divine, But the scent--ah, that was a failure. There once was a young girl from Belize, Who said to her lover, "Oh please, You would heighten my bliss, If you played more with this, And paid less attention to these. A habit both vile and unsavory, Kept the Bishop of London in slavery, With lecherous howls, He deflowered little owls, That he kept in an underground aviary. There once was a fellow from Beverly, Went in for fucking quite heavily, He fucked night and day, Till his ballocks gave way, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly. There once was a fairy named Bloom, Who took a queer up to his room, They fought half the night, To see who had the right, To do what, where, and how to whom. There was a young fellow named Babitt, Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, But a girl from Lahore, Could do it twice more, Which was just enough extra to crab it. There once was a Duchess of Bruges, Whose cunt was incredibly huge, Said the King to this dame, As he thunderously came, "Mon Dieu! Apres Moi, Le deluge!" Sir Reginald Basington Bart, Went to a masked ball as a fart, He had painted his face, Like a more private place, And his voice made the dowagers start. There was a young fellow named Brewster, Who said to his wife as he goosed her, "It used to be grand, But just look at my hand, You ain't wiping as clean as you used 'ter." There was a young man of Bengal, Who went to a fancy dress ball, Just for a stunt, He dressed up as a cunt, And was fucked by a dog in the hall. There was a young trucker named Briard, Who had a young whore that he hired, To fuck when not trucking, But trucking plus fucking, Got him so fucking tired he got fired. There was a young sailor named Bates, Who danced the fandango on skates, He fell on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates. An Argentine gaucho named Bruno, Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know, A woman is fine, A boy is divine, But a llama is 'numero uno'." There was a young man from Bengal, Who had a rectangular ball, The square of its weight, Plus his penis times eight, Was two-fifths of five eighths of fuck all. There once was a fellow from Beverly, Went in for fucking quite heavily, He fucked night and day, Till his bullocks gave way, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly. When her daughter got married in Bicester, Her mother remarked as she kissed her, "That fellow you've won, Is sure to be fun, Since tea he's fucked me and your sister." Then there was the Bishop of Birmingham, Who screwed all the girls while confirming 'em, To the roars of applause, He would pull down their drawers, And inject his Episcopal Sperm in 'em. There was a young man of Bombay, Who fashioned a cunt out of clay, But the heat of his prick Turned the clay into brick, And it rubbed all his foreskin away. A certain your maiden from Babylon, Decided to lure all the rabble-on, By dropping her shirt, And raising her skirt, Exposing a market to dabble-on. There once was a young man from Boston, Who tried to get laid in an Austin, There was room for his ass, And four gallons of gas, But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em. There were two young ladies of Birmingham, And this is the story concerning 'em, They lifted the frock, And diddled the cock, Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em. But the Bishop was nobody's fool, He'd been to a large public school, He pulled down their britches, And diddled those bitches, With his ten-inch Episcopal tool. But that didn't bother these two, They said as the Bishop withdrew, "The Vicar is slicker, And quicker and thicker, And longer and stronger than you." There's a charming young lady named Beaulie, Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now -- it's appalling, My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly. There was a young sailor from Brighten, Who said to his girl "You're a tight 'un," She replied, " 'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole, There's plenty of room in the right 'un." There was a young damsel named Baker, Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker, He yelled, "My God! What, Do you call that -- a twat? Why the entrance is more that an acre!" There was a young lady named Brent, With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and wide, The acoustics inside, Were so good you could hear when you spent. There once was a Queen of Bulgaria, Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a Prince from Peru, Who came for a screw, Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. There was a young girl who begat, Three brats, by name Nat, Pat and Tat, It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding, When she found she had no tit for Tat. There was a young fellow named Bliss, Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus, His recalcitrant penis, Would never do better than this. There was a young lady in Brent, When her old man's pecker is bent, She said with a sigh, "Oh why must it die? Let's fill it with Portland Cement." On the bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham, Thinking of twats and of sucking 'em, And watching the stunts, Of the cunts in the punts, And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em. There was a young fellow named Bouch, Who invited a girl to a couch, He said, "Pretty young miss, I will take you, I wish, Horizontally, vertically, crouch." The Bishop of Alexandretta Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her, So he thought he'd enshrine her, As the Holy Vagina In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. "In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense To go for the specialty; hence I've come to get scrod." And her friend said, "That's odd, You've used the past pluperfect tense." There once was a learned baboon Who always played on the bassoon. For he said, "it appears That in billions of years, I shall finally hit on a tune." Classical hasher, the Flying Booger, would get a girl sighing. By praising her twat in Both Greek and in Latin Then fucking her 'til she was dying. That dirty old hasher Flying Booger Was looking for a perverted hooker. He found a vision in satin Who knew Greek but no Latin So up the Hershey highway he took her. That old aussie hasher named Bruce, Had a dick that was really no use, But in bed with his Sheila, With his fingers he'd feel her, And his tongue would then lap up her juice. There was a bloke in Calcutta, Who did a shit in the gutter, Sun was so hot, Melted his balls on the spot, And off they flowed like butter. There once was a novice at Chichester, Whose form made the saints in their niches stir. One morning at matins, Her bosom 'neath stains, Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. An unfortunate fellow named Chase, Had an ass that was badly misplaced, He showed indignation, When an investigation, Proved that few persons shit through their face. The new cinematic emporium, Is not just a super sensorium, But a highly effectual, Heterosexual, Mutual masterbatorium. A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham, Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em, He sold them at Ware, To a gentleman there, Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em. A fisherman off of Cape Cod, Who attempted to bugger a cod, When up came some scallops, That nibbled his bullocks, And now he's eunuch, by God. There was a young harlot of Crete, Who was hawking her meat in the street, Ambling out one fine day, In a casual way, She clapped up the whole British fleet. There was a young woman of Croft, Who played with herself in a loft, Having reasoned that candles, Could never cause scandals, Besides which they did not go soft. There was a young man from Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born, He wouldn't have been, If his father had seen, That the end of his Frenchie was torn. A policeman from near Clapham Junction, Had a penis which just wouldn't function, For the rest of his life, He misled his poor wife, With a snot on the end of his truncheon. There was a young lady of Cheam, Who crept into the vestry unseen, She pulled down her knickers, And likewise the Vicar's, And said, "How about it, ol' bean?" A pretty young thing from Cape Cod, Said, "Good things come only from God." But 'twas not the Almighty Who lifted her nightie, But Roger the lodger, the sod. There was a young man from Calleen, Who invented a fucking machine, He pulled out the choke, And the bloody thing broke, And mixed both his balls into cream. A lady while dining at Crewe, Found an elephant's dong in her stew, Said the waiter, "Don't shout, Or wave it about, Or the others will all want one too.!" King Louis gave a lesson in class, One time he was sexing a lass, When she used the word 'Damn' He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." There once was a passionate young Celt, Who'd an urge to know how a cock felt, One went in hard and straight, But the heat was so great, The she found she had caused it to melt. There was a young lady of Crewe, Whose cherry a chap had got through, Which she told to her mother, Who fixed her another, Out of rubber and red ink and glue. There was a young lady from Crewe-Pitt, Who did something amazingly stupid, After her lover had spent, She douched with cement, And later gave birth to a statue of cupid. There once was a girl from Decator, Who was laid by a big alligator, Now nobody knew, The results of that screw, 'Cuz after he laid her he ate her. To his bride said the one-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your east tit the least bit, The best of your west tit, Or is it a trick of perspective?" "For the tenth time, dull Daphne," said Chlo‚, "You told me my bosom is snowy, You've made much fine verse on, Each part of my person, Now do something - there's a good boy." There was a young lady from Dee, Whose hymen was split into three, And when she was diddled, The middle string fiddled, "Nearer, My God, To Thee." There was a young girl of Darjeeling, Who could dance with such exquisite feeling, There was never a sound, For miles around, Save of fly buttons hitting the ceiling. There was a strong man of Drumrig, Who one day did seven times frig, He buggered three sailors, Four butchers, two tailors, And ended by fucking a pig. There was an old man of Duluth, Whose cock was shot off in his youth, He fucked with his nose, And with fingers and toes, And he came through a hole in his tooth. There was a young lady of Dexter, Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they'd start, He'd unfailingly fart, With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. The prior of Dunstan St. Just, Consumed with erotical lust, Raped the Bishop's prize fowls Buggered four startled owls, And a little green lizard, that bust. A deacon of Tantary-Crim, Whose notions of fucking were grim, Used to get lots of fun Out of stuffing a nun With the sign of the cross on her quim. There once was a whore on the dock >From dusk until dawn she sucked cock 'Til one day it's said She gave so much head She exploded and whitewashed the block An Eskimo on his vacation, Took a night off to succumb to temptation. 'Ere the night was half through, The Eskimo was, too, For their nights are of six months' duration. There once was a hasher from Fort Worth, Whose tool was of unusual girth, When a girl from the south, Took his dick in her mouth, She said, "I'm sorry I can't say the last verth." There was a young lady from France, Who decided to take just one chance. For an hour or so, She just let herself go, And now all her sisters are aunts. There once was a Filipino hombre, Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre. His trousers were wide, And his shirt hung outside, And this, I may say, was costumbre. A TV anchor named Hughes, Had a ratings trick that couldn't lose, When an item was hot, It's taped to her twat, And she's on the air spreading the news. There once was a girl from Hoboken, Who claimed her cherry was broken, >From riding a bike, On a cobblestone pike, But it was really broken from pokin'. There once was a girl named Ann Heiser, Who claimed no man could surprise her, But Pabst took a chance, Found Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder Budweiser. A hillbilly farmer named Hollis, With possums and snakes sought his solace, His children had scales, And prehensile tails, And voted for Governor Wallace. A towering boor named Infernal, Sported organs of sex internal, When an insensitive lass, Did take him to task, He replied, "Contraria contrariis curantur-al." ("Things are cured by their opposite-als") The aged Archbishop of Joppa, Said, "I think circumcision improper, If the organ is small, But I don't mind at all, About cutting a slice off a whopper." They say Jack and his best girlfriend Jill, One nice day went and climbed up a hill. Was it water they're after? Then why all the laughter? And how come Jill made sure of her pill? There was a young couple named Kelly, Who once got stuck belly to belly, Because in their haste, They used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly. There was a young fellow from Kent, Whose prick was so long that it bent, To save himself trouble, He put it in double, And instead of cumming - he went. There was a young lady of Kew, Who said as the Curate withdrew, "The Vicar is slicker, And quicker and thicker, And two inches longer than you." That selfsame young lady of Kew, Said as the vicar withdrew, "The Verger's emerger Is longer and lurger And he gets his balls in too." There was a young fellow named Keith, Who liked to be fondled beneath. It was fun, he decided, But only provided The girl used her lips, not her teeth. There was a young lawyer named Rex, With diminutive organs of sex, When hauled in for exposure, He replied with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." ["Law does not concern itself with trivial things."] A Scotsman who lived by the Loch, Had holes down the length of his cock, When he got an erection, He would play a selection, >From Johann Sebastian Bach. Where is Little Boy Blue this fine morn? In the haystack as sure as you're born, But he isn't asleep; He's with Little Bo-Peep; And just look where he's putting his horn. "As for screwing," said Little Miss Muffet, "I proclaim here and now that I love it. I defy the authority Of the Moral Majority. They can take all their preaching and stuff it." A disgusting young man named McGill, Made his neighbors exceedingly ill, When they learned of his habits, Involving white rabbits, And a bird with a flexible bill. There once was a young man from Missouri, Who fucked with a terrible fury, 'Till hauled into court, For his bestial sport, And condemned by a poorly hung jury. There once was a man named McNamiter, With a tool of prodigious diameter, But it wasn't the size, That opened girls eyes, 'Twas his beat - iambic pentameter. There once was a man named Magoo, Who went paddling out in a canoe, When he hit a rock, He quickly grabbed his cock, And surfaced with a hand full of goo. There once was a fellow named McSweeney, Who spilled some gin on his weenie, Now just to be couth, He added vermouth, And slipped his girl a martini. There was a young lady from Maine, Who enjoyed copulating on a train. Not once, I maintain, But again and again, And again and again and again. There was a young lady from Munich, Who was ravished one night by a eunuch, At the height of her passion, He slipped her a ration, >From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. There was a young woman named Melanie, Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?" She replied, "No siree, I give it away for free. To sell it, dear sir, is a felony. There was a young man of Nantucket, Whose prick was so long he could suck it, He said, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were I cunt, I'd fuck it." A chap down in Oklahoma, Had a dick that could sing LaPaloma, But the sweetness of pitch, Couldn't put off the hitch, Of impotence, size and aroma. At the orgy I fucked twenty-two, And man, was I glad to get through, A whole night of sexing, Turns boring and vexing, But at orgies, what else can you do? She wasn't what one would call pretty, And other girls offered her pity. So nobody guessed, That her Wasserman test, Involved half of Oklahoma City. There once was a fellow named Perkin, Who was constantly jerkin' his yerkin, Said his father with a plea, "Son won't you listen to me, Your yerkin's not for jerkin' it's fer ferkin." A frustrated virgin named Pugh, Once dreamed she was having a scrugh, Repenting her sin, She awoke with chagrin, At finding it perfectly trugh. There was a young lady called Phoebe, Who kept a small tame amoebae, The wee piece of jelly, Would crawl on her belly, And tenderly murmur "Ich liebe." There was a young man from Paree, Who buggered an ape in a tree, The result was quite horrid, All ass and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee. There was an old lady from Phlox, Who set dynamite off in her box, When asked the sensation, She cried with elation, "It's better than elephant cocks!" There was a young fellow named Rick, Who was cursed with a spiraling dick, He started to hunt, For a twisted up cunt, That would match his curly-cue prick. He found one and took it to bed, And then in dismay he dropped dead, For that spiraling snatch, Though nearly a match, Had cum with a left-handed thread. There was a young man from Rancine, Who invented a fucking machine, Concave or convex, It could fit either sex, And jerk itself off in between. There was a young lady from Sidney, Who took it right up to the kidney, One fellow by heck, Went right up to his neck, He had a big one now, didn't he? There once was a monk from Siberia, Whose life it grew drearier and drearier, He did to a nun, What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a mother superior. There was a young woman named Sally Who loved an occasional dally. She sat on the lap Of a well-endowed chap, And said, "ooh, you're right up my alley." While Titian was mixing rose madder, He espied a nude girl on a ladder. Her position to Titian, Suggested coition, So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er. A lady astrologist in Vancouver, Once captured a man by maneuver. Influenced by Venus, She jumped on his penis, And nothing on Earth could remove her. There once was a lady from Wheeling, Who protested she lacked sexual feeling, 'til a cynic named Boris, Touched her clitoris, And they scraped her off the ceiling. A methodical fellow named Wade Could recall every girl that he'd laid. He recorded each poke, Every thrust, every stroke, And precisely how much he had paid. ZiPpY, the musical hasher, Was, unfortunately, a very poor dancer, When he tried to gyrate, To the words he'd create, He always tripped on his wanker. At altitude hashed our friend ZiPpY, (Pikes Peak where the air is quite nippy) When being the hare He'd jerk off everywhere And his cum froze and made the trail slippery limerick.3 from aphex.direct.ca (root@aphex.direct.ca [199.60.229.6]) by mizar.usc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3/usc) with ESMTP id RAA08145; Fri, 25 Oct 1996 17:54:09 -0700 (PDT) Received: from [204.174.242.35] ([204.174.242.35]) by aphex.direct.ca with ESMTP id <270290-25574>; Fri, 25 Oct 1996 17:13:55 -0700 Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Fri, 25 Oct 1996 17:11:36 -0700 To: sking@direct.ca (S.M. King) From: sking@direct.ca (S.M. King) Subject: Bawdy.Net Collage #104 Status: RO X-Status: "I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls." -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland) (I don't know if the above quote is accurate) This Collage is dedicated to the .5% of Bawdy.Net subscribers who come from that wonderfully named Irish town (city?) of Limerick, a place I've always wanted to visit. And I even have addresses of people I can stay with! :-). Anyway, here is another "All Limerick Collage"! ************************************************************** Mark sends: There once was a sailor named Rick Who was feeling really quite sick He made it to shore, had sex with a whore, and now he's got bumps on his dick! ************************************************************** Prime sends these: A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection -- Corinthian, ionic, and doric. There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "I know it's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it just a few inches higher?" There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. >From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. ************************************************************** Daniel says that this one is "to be recited in an outrageous Cockney accent": There were three young ladies from Birmingham And this is the scandal concerning 'em They lifted the frock And tickled the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool; He'd been to a large public school! So he lowered their britches, And *buggered* the bitches With his eight-inch episcopal tool. Then up spake the lady from Kew And said, as the Bishop withdrew, "The Vicar Was quicker And thicker And slicker And longer And stronger Than you!" ************************************************************** Steve warns that "This one is gross. I am sorry if it offends, however it was a favorite of my rugby team." Rugby team, huh? Well, that should be all the warning anyone needs!: There once was a man from McGearth. He was the nastiest mother fucker on earth. While fucking his mother and jerking off his brother He licked up his sisters afterbirth. ************************************************************** John sends: There was an old man from Calcutta who looked through a hole in his shutter but all that he saw was his wife on the floor and the ass of the man that was upper ************************************************************** Lyle sends: There was a young woman named Melanie Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?" She replied, "No, siree, I give it for free To sell it dear sir, is a felony." ************************************************************** Allan sends this one which I'm *sure* is hilarious. :-): The "plumber" limerick has many variations, as well as translations. My limerick book has it in French, and Latin, as well as the following German, my favorite: Es Giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz Er schlaft mit ein' Madel von Linz Sie sagt, "halt sein' plummen Ich hore Mann kommen." "Jacht, jacht", sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." ************************************************************** Eric says " This is the world's most obscene limerick. All of the *really, really* bad words have been replaced with either 'dit' or 'dah': Dit dah dit dah dit, Dit dah dit dah dah. Dit dah dit, Dit dah dah, Dit dah dit dah fuck. ************************************************************** To subscribe to the Bawdy.Net, please send a message to: sking@direct.ca With: Subscribe Bawdy.Net as the Subject of your post. In the body of your post, please include your correct email address, your name, city and state/province (if outside Canada or the US, "country' should be substituted for "state/province"). All Original material is Copyright S.M. King 1996 S.M. King Bawdy.Net limerick.4 Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks From: jcf@world.std.com (Joseph C Fineman) There once were two ladies of Birmingham, And this is a story concerning 'em: They lifted the frock And tickled the cock Of the bishop, while he was confirming 'em. Now that bishop was nobody's fool: He'd been to divinity school, So he hauled down his breeches And screwed those two witches With his holy episcopal tool. Now one of those gals was named Sue, And Sue said, when the bishop was thru. "The vicar was quicker And slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." -- Joe Fineman jcf@world.std.com 239 Clinton Road (617) 731-9190 Brookline, MA 02146 From: Christopher.Gold@src.ulaval.ca (Christopher Gold) Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks Subject: The Plumber Date: 30 Jun 1995 15:04:16 GMT There was a young plumber (McPhee) Was plumbing his girl by the sea. Said the girl: "Quit your plumbing, There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me!" limerick.5 From cray@mizar.usc.edu Mon Nov 24 11:28:41 1995 Newsgroups: alt.jokes.limericks From: mcripps@computan.on.ca (Mervyn Cripps) Subject: mathematical limericks Date: Fri, 24 Nov 1995 11:28:41 GMT A challenge for many long ages Had baffled the savants and sages. Yet at last came the light: Seems old Fermat was right To the margin add 200 pages. "Let .V over .P be inverted With the square root of .M.U inserted .N times into .V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, is nine squared plus zero, no more. A mathematician confided That a Mobius strip is one-sided You'll get quite a laugh If you cut it in half For it stays in one piece when divided. I used to think math was no fun, 'Cause I couldn't see how it was done. Now Euler's my hero, for I now see why 0 i(pi)= e + 1. One and one make two, But if one and one should marry, Isn't it queer- Within a year There's two and one to carry. This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks). ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 Or for those who have trouble with the poem: A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. 'Tis a favorite project of mine A new value of pi to assign. I would fix it at 3 For it's simpler, you see, Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9. ("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter). If inside a circle a line Hits the center and goes spine to spine And the line's length is "d" the circumference will be times 3.14159 If (1+x) (real close to 1) Is raised to the power of 1 Over x, you will find Here's the value defined: 2.718281... Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back -- looks better on paper. 3_ \/3 / | 2 3 X pi 3_ | z dz X cos(--------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the cube root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. A mathematician named Klein Thought the Mobius Band was divine. Said he, "If you glue The edges of two You get a weird bottle like mine. " A challenge for many long ages Had baffled the savants and sages. Yet at last came the light: Seems old Fermat was right-- To the margin add 200 pages. -- Paul Chernoff limerick.6 October 24, 1994, ZiPpy sent: Two spectres who screwed in a chasm Had a simultaneous spasm. With a howl of despair The invisible pair Was splattered with ectoplasm. (Hollow-Weenie Limerick) limerick.7 42. LIMERICKS Some limericks by Flying Booger Take turns telling limericks CHORUS: Aye, aye, aye, aye, (insert personal insult): Your mother's a whore on a troopship, So sing me another verse that's worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willie. (more insults): Your mother and father were brothers Your brother fills empty cream donuts Your father eats your brother's cream donuts Your sister eats bat shit off cave walls Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens Your mother and sister are brothers Your sister leaves slime trails like snails Your mother does squat thrusts on fireplugs Your brother eats grandfather's donuts Your sister douches with Drano Your sister swims after troop ships (And catches them) (And swims back) Your sister's in love with a carrot Your sister goes down for a quarter Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones Your father does eight-year old Brownies Your mom uses Frisbees for diaphragms Your sister got turned down by hashers Your mother eats shit and lives Your mother's vibrator is made by John Deere Your mother uses hamsters for tampons Your sister rides bikes without seats Your mother's so dry the crabs carry canteens Your mother goes down on Rush Limbaugh Rush Limbaugh goes down on your sister When a woman in strapless attire, Found her breasts working higher and higher, A guest, with great feeling, Exclaimed, "How appealing! Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" A hasher observed on his bum, A boil as big as his thumb, The doc said "Let's lance it," The hasher said, "Eat shit, Medice, cura te ipsum." (physician, heal thyself) There was a young man from Australia, Who went on a wild bacchanalia, He buggered a frog, Two mice, and a dog, And a bishop in fullest regalia. There was a young lady named Anna, Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, Which she sucked bit by bit, From her partner's warm slit, In the most approved lesbian manner. A hasher, disgustingly vile, Was swallowed by a crocodile, Who digested his skin, And most things within, But choked on his membrum virile. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Just stroking the butt of his madam, He was quaking with mirth, For on all of the earth, There were only two balls, and he had 'em. There was a young lady named Alice, Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice, It was not for the need, She committed the deed, But simple sectarian malice. A front-running bastard named Moffat, At seduction was one very cool cat, He'd spread open their thighs, With sweetly-voiced lies, While whispering "Exitus acta probat." (the end justifies the means) A young married couple from Aberystwyth, Knew another young couple they played whist with, They all managed when able, To reach under the table, And play with what the other ones pissed with. A mathematician named Fine, Always showed her classes a good time, Instead of multiplication, She taught fornication, And never got past sixty-nine. There was a young dino named Barney, Whose treatment of kids was quite smarmy, He'd probe every hole, Then swallow 'em whole, Till his shit looked like chili con carne. There was a young lady from Munich, Who was ravished one night by a eunuch, At the height of her passion, He slipped her a ration, From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. There once was a woman from Phlox, Who set dynamite off in her box, To describe the sensation, She cried with elation, "It's better than elephant cocks!" A woman from South Carolina, Placed fiddle strings 'cross her vagina, With proper sized cocks, What was sex, became Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. An unfortunate fellow named Chase, Had an ass that was badly misplaced, He showed indignation, When an investigation, Proved that few persons shit through their face. A horny old hasher from Brest, Showed up at Down-Downs undressed, When the harriettes all ran away, He said, "There'll be another day, Dum vita est, spes est." (while there's life, there's hope) A certain young maiden from Babylon, Decided to lure all the rabble-on, By dropping her shirt, And raising her skirt, Exposing a market to dabble-on. There's a charming young lady named Julie, Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now . . . it's appallin', My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly. There once was a rabbi from Keith, Who circumcised men with his teeth. It was not for the treasure, Nor sexual pleasure, But to get at the cheese underneath. While Titian was mixing rose madder, He espied a nude girl on a ladder. Her position to Titian, Suggested coition, So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er. There once was a novice at Chichester, Whose form made the saints in their niches stir. One morning at matins, Her bosom 'neath stains, Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. A Roman who hailed from Gadondom, Used a fried hedgehog's hide for a condom. His mistress did shout, As he pulled the thing out, "De gustibus non disputandum!" (there is no disputing taste) There was a young man from Aberystwyth, Who said to the girl he just kissed with, "That hole in your crotch, Is for fucking and such, And not just a gadget to piss with." There was a young lady called Annie, Who had fleas, lice, and crabs up her fanny, To get up her flue, Was like touring the zoo, There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny. The OnSec from old Tallahassee Found his dick turning into a cacti, When his friends said "Who did it," He said, "I don't know shit, But undoubtedly, Dux femina facti." (a woman is the perpetrator of the deed) There was an old whore from the Azores, Whose cunt was all covered in sores, Even dogs in the street, Wouldn't touch the green meat, That hung in festoons from her drawers. There was a young girl from Assizes, Whose breasts were of two different sizes, The left one was small, Sweet nothing at all, The right one was large and won prizes. There was a young lady in Brent, Whose old man's pecker was bent, She said with a sigh, "Oh why must it die? Let's fill it with Portland Cement." There was a young man of Koblenz, The size of whose balls was immense, One day playing soccer, He sprung his left knocker, And kicked it right over the fence. There was a young lady named Alice, Who used dynamite for a phallus, They found her vagina, In North Carolina, Her arsehole in Buckingham Palace. There once was a lady from Arden, Who sucked a man off in a garden, He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said, (swallow hard) "I beg pardon?" There was a young lawyer named Rex, With diminutive organs of sex, When hauled in for exposure, He replied with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." (the law does not concern itself with trivial things) She wasn't what one would call pretty, And other girls offered her pity. So nobody guessed, That her Wasserman test, Involved half of Oklahoma City. There was a young lady named Alice, Who thought of her cunt as a chalice, One night sleeping nude, She woke, feeling lewd, And found in her chalice a phallus. There once was a Filipino hombre, Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre. His trousers were wide, And his shirt hung outside, And this, I may say, was costumbre. There was a young man from Australia, Who painted his arse like a dahlia, The drawing was fine, The color divine, But the scent, Ah, that was a failure. There was a young fellow named Babitt, Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, But a girl from Lahore, Could do it twice more, Which was just enough extra to crab it. A lady astrologist in Vancouver, Once captured a man by maneuver. Influenced by Venus, She jumped on his penis, And nothing on Earth could remove her. There was a young lady of Dexter, Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they'd start, He'd unfailingly fart, With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. When Hillary said there would be no, White males on the cabinet or she'd go, An ex-lover named Flowers, Said, "Will, use your powers, Te hominum esse memento." (remember you are a man) There was a young lady from France, Who decided to take just one chance. For an hour or so, She just let herself go, And now all her sisters are aunts. There was a young lady from Maine, Who enjoyed copulating on a train. Not once, I maintain, But again and again, And again and again and again. An Eskimo on his vacation, Took a night off to succumb to temptation. 'Ere the night was half through, The Eskimo was, too, For their nights are of six months' duration. There once was a Duchess of Bruges, Whose cunt was incredibly huge, Said the King to his Dame, As he thunderously came, "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" Sir Reginald Basington Bart, Went to a masked ball as a fart, He had painted his face, Like a more private place, And his voice made the dowagers start. There was a young fellow named Brewster, Who said to his wife as he goosed her, "It used to be grand, But just look at my hand, You ain't wiping as clean as you used 'ter." There was a young man of Bengal, Who went to a fancy dress ball, Just for a stunt, He dressed up as a cunt, And was fucked by a dog in the hall. There was a young trucker named Briard, Who had a young whore that he hired, To fuck when not trucking, But trucking plus fucking, Got him so fucking tired he got fired. There was a young sailor named Bates, Who did the fandango on skates, He fell on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates. A woman from on the Equator, Once went out to sea on a freighter, She was screwed by the master, An utter disaster, But the crew all made up for it later. I once knew a girl named Maureen, Her cunt was a mass of gangrene, But health nuts, she found, Would still eat her mound, 'Cause maggots are high in protein. There once was a whore on the dock, From dusk unti dawn she sucked cock, Till one day, 'tis said, She gave so much head, She exploded and whitewashed the dock. There was a young man of Belgrave, Who kept a dead whore in a cave, He said, "I admit, I'm a bit of a shit, But think of the money I save." An Argentine gaucho named Bruno, Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know, A woman is fine, And sheep are divine, But a llama is numero uno." There was a young man from Bengal, Who had a rectangular ball, The square of its weight, Plus his penis times eight, Was two-fifths of five-eights of fuck all. There once was a poet named Dude, Whose wife was a bit of a prude, But after a beer, She'd start feeling queer, And ask the whole room if they screwed. There once was a fellow from Beverly, Went in for fucking quite heavily, He fucked night and day, Till his ballocks gave way, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly. There once was a Bishop of Buckingham, Who wrote "Assholes and Twelve Ways of Rooting 'em," He then went berserk, When outdone by a Turk, Who wrote "Goats and Twelve Ways of Fucking 'em." When her daughter got married in Bicester, Her mother remarked as she kissed her, "That fellow you've won, Is sure to be fun, Since tea he's fucked me and your sister." Then there was the Bishop of Birmingham, Who screwed all the girls while confirming 'em, To the roars of applause, He'd pull down their drawers, And inject his Episcopal sperm in 'em. There was a young man of Bombay, Who fashioned a cunt out of clay, But the heat of his prick, Turned the clay into brick, And it rubbed his foreskin away. There was a young man of Trieste, Who loved his young wife with such zest, That despite all her howls, He sucked out her bowels, And puked up the mess on her chest. There was a bloke in Calcutta, Who did a shit in the gutter, Sun was so hot, Melted his balls on the spot, And off they flowed like butter. There once was a young man from Boston, Who tried to get laid in a Nissan, There was room for his ass, And three gallons of gas, But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em. There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un." She replied, "'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole, There's plenty of room in the right 'un." There was a young damsel named Baker, Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker, He yelled, "My God! What do you call that--a twat? Why the entrance is more than an acre!" There was a young lady named Brent, With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and wide, The acoustics inside, Were so good you could hear when you spent. There once was a Queen of Bulgaria, Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a Prince from Peru, Who came for a screw, Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. There was a young girl who begat, Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat, It was fun in the breeding, But hell in the feeding, When she found she had no tit for Tat. There was a young fellow named Bliss, Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus, His recalcitrant penis, Would never do better than this. A poofter from old Khartoum, Lured two lesbians up to his room, They argued all night, Over who had the right, To do what, and with which, and to whom. A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham, Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em, He sold them at Ware, To a gentleman there, Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em. There once was a man of Cape Nod, Who attempted to bugger a cod, When up came some scallops, That nibbled his ballocks, And now he's a eunuch, by God. There was a young woman of Chester, Who said to the man who undressed her, "I think you will find, That it's better behind, As the front is beginning to fester." There was a young woman of Croft, Who played with herself in the loft, Having reasoned that candles, Could never cause scandals, Besides which they did not go soft. There was a poor wretch from Cape Horn, Who wished he'd never been born, He wouldn't have been, If his father had seen, That the end of his rubber was torn. A policeman from near Clapham Junction, Had a penis which just wouldn't function, For the rest of his life, He misled his poor wife, With a snot on the end of his truncheon. There was a young lady of Cheam, Who crept into the vestry unseen, She pulled down her knickers, And likewise, the vicar's, And said, "How about it, old bean?" A pretty young thing from Cape Cod, Said, "Good things come only from God," But 'twas not the Almighty, Who lifted her nightie, But Roger, the lodger, the sod. There was a young man from Killeen, Who invented a fucking machine, He pulled out the choke, And the bloody thing broke, And mixed both his balls into cream. A lady while dining at Crewe, Found an elephant's dong in her stew, Said the waiter, "Don't shout, Or wave it about, Or the others will all want one, too." King Louis, the exemplar of class, One time was romancing a lass, When she used the word, "Damn," He rebuked her, "Please ma'am, Keep a more civil tongue up my ass." There was an old man of Duluth, Whose cock was shot off in his youth, He fucked with his nose, And with fingers and toes, And he came through a hole in his tooth. There was a young lady of Kew, Who said as the Bishop withdrew, "The Vicar is slicker, And quicker and thicker, And two inches longer than you." The selfsame young lady of Kew, Said as the Vicar withdrew, "The Verger's emerger, Is longer and larger, And he gets his ballocks in too." A habit both vile and unsavory, Kept the Bishop of London in slavery, With lecherous howls, He deflowered little owls, That he kept in an underground aviary. There was a young lady called Phoebe, Who kept a small tame amoebae, The wee piece of jelly, Would crawl on her belly, And tenderly murmur "Ich liebe." A shiftless young man from Kent, Made his wife fuck the landlord for rent, But as she got older, The landlord got colder, And now they live in a tent. There was a young couple named Kelly, Who were found stuck belly to belly, Because in their haste, They used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly. There was a young lady of Trail, Who offered her body for sale, She was kind to the blind, For on her behind, Her prices were written in Braille. A clever young harlot from Kew, Filled up her vagina with glue, She said, with a grin, "If they'll pay to get in, They can pay to get out of it too." There was a young fellow from Kent, Whose tool was most horribly bent, To save himself trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming, he went. There was a young man of Nantucket, Whose prick was so long he could suck it, He said, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were I cunt, I'd fuck it." Classical hasher, the Flying Booger, Had all the girls sighing, By praising their twats in, Both Greek and in Latin, Then fucking them till they were dying. A towering boor named Infernal, Sported organs of sex internal, When an insensitive lass, Did take him to task, He replied, "Contraria contrariis curantur-al." (Things are cured by their opposite-als) A man on a farm in Moritz, Once planted two acres of titz, They came up in the fall, Pink nipples and all, Then he leisurely chewed them to bitz. The brilliant young physicist Fisque, Was determined a security risque, For acts of perversion, Were his main diversion, At which one can only say, "Tisque." A frustrated virgin named Pugh, Once dreamed she was having a scrugh, Repenting her sin, He awoke with chagrin, At finding it perfectly trugh. To his bride said the one-eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your east tit the least bit, The best of your west tit, Or is it a trick of perspective?" A guru from eastern Tibet -- Now this is the strangest one yet -- Had a member so long, So pointed and strong, He could skewer six yaks en brochette. A hillbilly farmer named Hollis, With possums and snakes sought his solace, His children had scales, And prehensile tails, And voted for Governor Wallace.