-----










From folktalk@leo.vsla.edu Tue Mar  5 18:33:53 1996

To: shammer@leo.vsla.edu


From: Ed Cray <cray@bcf.usc.edu>To: Multiple recipients of list <folktalk@leo.vsla.edu>Subject: The Night of the King's Castration
X-Listserver-Version: 6.0 -- UNIX ListServer by Anastasios Kotsikonas
X-Comment: Folk Music Discussion Group
Status: RO
X-Status: 

Herewith the version of "The Night of the King's Castration" as collected 
by Dean Burson at UCLA in 1959 from an unidentified fraternity brother.

'Twas the night of the king's castration; the royal ball was coming off.  
Counts, discounts and no-counts stood around the courtyard, camel-dunging 
one another, for bullshit was as yet unheard of.

Then in came Daniel with his balls slung over his shoulder.  "What ho!" 
cried Daniel.  

"Asshole," said the king.

"Then suck it!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring a point fo the common people.

Now this made the king very angry, and he ordered Daniel to come forth. 
But Daniel slipped on a lion [camel?] turd and came fifth.  This made
 Daniel so furious that he picked up the lion turd and threw it at Random. 
But Random ducked and it hit the king. 

Now, this made the king even more angry, so he ordered Daniel to be 
thrown into the den of lions.  There was Daniel in the midst of all those 
roaring, snarling beasts.  But of course you could easily recognize 
Daniel by the large green parasol which he always carried.  

Suddenly, one of the lions seized Daniel by the left gonad.  "Ouch!" 
cried Daniel.  "It tickles."

 "What tickles?" asked the king.

 "Testicles!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring anothr point for the common 
people.  Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the couryard took out their 
tits and tittered.

 Now this made the king exceedingly angry, and so he inquired, "Where's 
the queen?"

"M'lord, she is on the royal crapper."

"And is she well supplied with paper?"

"M'lord, she has forty reams of the finest linen."

"It is good," said the king.  "And where's the princess?"

"Oh, she is upstairs in bed with laryngitis."

"I'll kill that fucking Greek!" cried the king.  "Oh well, fuck the 
princess!"

And fifty thousand loyal subjects were trampled in the rush, for in those 
days, the king's word was law, and the king ruled with an iron hand.

This made the king exceedingly angry, and in exasperation he cried, "Oh, 
shit!"  And fifty thousand loyal subjects squatted and grunted in unison, 
for in those days the king's word was law, and the king ruled with an 
iron hand.

Later in the evening, the king entered the royal boudoir and beheld the 
queen, lying in nature's attire.  "Roll over!" cried the king.

"I'll be fucked if I will!" said the queen.

"You'll be corn-hauled [sic] if you won't" cried the king.

Upon hearing this, the queen shit a gold brick, for in those days a 
square asshole was [a] symbol of royalty.

When the king saw this, he cried, "Balls!" not because he wanted to, but 
because he had two.

And the queen replied, "Balls?  If I had two I could be king!"

I would appreciate hearing from those of you who have heard of this 
recitation, or recall portions (or other versions) of it.  It is unusual, 
for it has contributed at least four rather well-known "jokes" or 
"witticisms" in oral tradition.  Many know one- or two-liners from it.


Ed Cray
cray@mizar.usc.edu