45.  TOASTS

TO A MAN:
May the bleeding piles possess him and adorn his bloody 
	feet,
May crabs the size of horseturds climb up his legs and 						eat;
And when he's as old as I am and naught but a bloody 							wreck,
May his head fall down through his asshole and break his 						fucking neck. 

TO YOUTH:
When I was a young man, I used to be so proud,
I had a cock so mighty, I wanted to shout out loud.
It never took a day off; it was always there,
And every morning when I shaved, it would stand and 							stare.
Now I'm old and weary, my pilot light's gone out,
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout,
Oh, I'm gray and wrinkled, and it sure gives me the 							blues,
To see the thing hang down my leg to watch me shine my 						shoes.

When I was a little girl, I had a little quim;
I'd stand before the looking-glass, and put one finger in.
But now that I am old and gray, and losing all my charm,
I can get five fingers in, and half my fucking arm.

TO WOMEN:
Here's to the gash that never heals,
The more you touch it the better it feels,
Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell,
You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell.
 
Here's to the girl who lives on the hill,
If she won't do it her sister will
Here's to her sister!

Here's to the breezes
That blow through the treeses
And lift girls' chemises
Way over their kneeses
And show us the creases
That twitches and squeezes
And teases and pleases
And carries diseases
By Jesus!

Here's to the lady dressed in black,
Once she walks by she never looks back,
And when she kisses, oh, how sweet,
She makes things stand that never had feet.

Here's to the girl who I love best,
I love her best when she's undressed,
I'd fuck her sitting, standing, lying,
If she had wings I'd fuck her flying,
	And when she's dead and long forgotten,
	I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten!

TO A LIFE WELL-LIVED:
Here's to me in my sober mood,
When I ramble, sit, and think.
Here's to me in my drunken mood,
When I gamble, sin, and drink.
And when my days are over,
And from this world I pass, 
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!

TO DRINK:
If I had a dog that could piss this stuff
(hold up beer mug)
And if I thought he could piss enough
I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed
And suck his dick till we both were dead!

From Paul Woodford, "Hash Songs II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994)