172.  COLUMBO, or THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
Melody--Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue

An ancient song concerning the voyage of Christopher Columbus, sung in six parts. Part the First
In which it is explained how this voyage came about and how the Queen of Spain tearfully bade goodbye; Columbo's parting words to the Queen

In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-Two,
A gob from Italy,
Went wanderin' through the streets of Spain,
A pissin' in the alley.

CHORUS: He swung his balls around-o,
They nearly touched the ground-o,
That masturbatin', fornicatin'
Son of a bitch, Columbo.

In Fourteen Hundred Ninety-Two,
The expedition started,
Queen Isabelle, she cried like hell,
Columbo only farted.

Part the Second
In which we learn more about the brave explorer

Columbo paced upon the deck,
He knew it was his duty,
He laid his whang into his hand,
And said, "Ain't it a beauty?"

The sailors on Columbo's ship,
Had each his private knothole,
But Columbo was a superman,
And used a padded porthole.

Columbo had a one-eyed cat,
He kept it in the cabin,
He rubbed its ass with axle grease,
And started in a-jabbin'.

His cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
They stuffed his ass with broken glass,
And circumcised the skipper.

Columbo had a first mate,
He loved him like a brother,
Every night in the pale moonlight
They buggered one another.

Part the Third
In which we are introduced to the Venus and its crew; and learn of some singular accomplishments

Aboard the good ship Venus,
By God, you should have seen us, 
The figurehead, a whore in bed,
The mast, a throbbing penis.

CHORUS: There was friggin' in the riggin',
Wankin' on the plankin',
Masturbatin' on the gratin',
There was fuck all else to do.

The first mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball,
But with that cracker he rolled terbaccer
Around the cabin wall.

The second mate's name was Andy,
His dick was long and bandy,
They filled his ass with molten brass
For pissing in the brandy.

The third mate's name was Morgan,
He was a grisly Gorgon,
Three times a day he strummed away
Upon his sexual organ.

The cox'n's name was Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
On any bugger's lugger.

A cook whose name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He fed the crew on menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.

Another cook was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly-dally,
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.

The bosun's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester,
Through hymens thick he shoved his dick
And left it there to fester.

The engineer was McTavish,
And young girls he did ravish,
His missing prick's in Istanbul,
He was a little lavish.

The engineer's mate was Carter,
By God, he was a farter,
When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship wouldn't go,
We'd get Carter the farter to start 'er.

A homo was the purser, 
He couldn't have been worser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled, "Oh no, sir!"

Another one was Cropper,
Oh Christ, he had a whopper,
Twice round the deck, once round his neck,
And up his bum for a stopper.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over,
They ground and ground the wretched hound
From Lisbon to the Indies.

Part the Fourth
Concerning what the sailors did for recreation and how it came that Columbo's daughters were lost at sea and what became of them

Twas on the broad Atlantic,
Where the water's almost static,
The rise and fall of cock and balls
Was almost automatic.

The captain's wife was Mabel,
And whenever she was able,
She gave the crew its daily screw
Upon the galley table.

The skipper's daughter Mabel,
They fucked when they were able.
They tacked those tits, the dirty shits,
Right to the galley table.

The skipper's other daughter,
They tossed into the water.
Delighted squeals came as the eels
Entered her sexual quarter.

Part the Fifth
In which the New World is at last discovered, and how the sailors expressed their joy at finding civilization

For forty days and forty nights,
They sailed the broad Atlantic.
Columbo and his scurvy crew,
For want of a piece were frantic.

They spied a whore upon the shore,
And off came shirts and collars,
In twenty minutes by the clock,
She'd made ten thousand dollars.

With a joyful shout they ran about,
And practiced fornication, 
When they sailed they left behind,
Ten times the population.

The ladies of the nation,
Arose in indignation,
They stuffed their bums with chewing gum,
A smart retaliation.

And when his men pulled out again,
To take their homeward trip up,
They'd caught the pox from every box,
And syphilized all Europe.

Part the Sixth
In which Columbo at last returns to Spain, and how he delivers his plunder to the Queen, and his reward

Columbo went in haste to the Queen,
Because it was his duty,
He gave to her a dose of clap,
He had no other booty.

So she threw him in a stinking jail,
And left him there to grumble,
A ball and chain tied to his balls,
So ended poor Columbo.

So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material,
I wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.

From Paul Woodford, "Hash Hymns II" (Honolulu, Hawaii, 1994)