05/28/2004
I'm feeling quite rough, I confess;
In work everything is a mess.
'Bout my leave I got cross
And I yelled at the boss!
I've screwed everything up -- more or less!
33590 JOBS - BOSSES
Is your boss related to mine?
He's such a jerk all the time.
Can't wait to retire
Before I expire,
And turn into jelly and slime...
33591 JOBS - BOSSES Jim Weaver Collection
An assistant C.E.O. called Jan,
Was always left holding the can.
When it came to promotion,
This raised a commotion.
He was listed as an also-ran.
33592 JOBS - BOSSES Arthur Pattaffy
There was a young worker named Sean,
Who at his work does nothing but yawn.
The foreman said, "My lord,
If you're easily bored,
I'll make you sorry that you were born!"
33593 JOBS - BOSSES Arthur Pattaffy
If it's done and it's right, never fear
'Cause it's fine and the buck stops right here.
But if it's a loss,
And it's wrong, it's the boss
Who's at fault, let me make that quite clear.
33594 JOBS - BOSSES Joe Guerin
There once was a fellow called Jackson,
Who was brilliant at loafing and relaxing.
But it was a great loss
For his everyday boss
Was even better at firing and axing!
33595 JOBS - BOSSES Prof M-G T9710
So you like to lurk in the dark,
And write little lims as a lark.
But get back to work,
As the boss is a jerk,
Who suppresses your creative spark.
33596 JOBS - BOSSES Funny Bone
We cannot stand many more losses.
Our charts will soon look just like Ross'.
We've downsized our crew;
Our bills are past due;
We'll have to get rid of the bosses!
33597 JOBS - BOSSES Al Willis P9612
Whenever two companies merge
Down-sizing will also emerge.
AKA head chopping;
AKA name dropping:
By Stalin and doctors called "Purge."
33598 JOBS - BOSSES Irving Superior P9507
"If they're getting too old, let's retire some.
And if they won't go, let's fire some."
"But we can't cut and run,
The work won't be done."
"If we need personnel, just hire some."
33599 JOBS - BOSSES Al Willis T9710
While he worked on the job, Mr. Wheeling
Held his head toward the sky with great feeling.
When his boss asked him why,
He was facing the sky,
He replied, "I'm inspecting the ceiling."
33600 JOBS - BOSSES Albin Chaplin 3024-2834
My boss, he is wholly devoted
To work and today was promoted
To a new position.
But there is a suspicion
He got it by being deep-throated.
33601 JOBS - BOSSES Carol
Often late, my boss still blows his horn;
About timeliness, us he would warn.
Let's say: rank has its perc;
The old boy comes to work
From a different direction each morn.
33602 JOBS - BOSSES Allen Wolverton
Our Chairman gets data from spies.
He'll make up stuff and tell us lies.
His Thursday reports
Can just eat my shorts,
With mayo and mustard and flies.
33603 JOBS - BOSSES Anon
There was a young newsman named Wes,
Whose boss he did try to impress.
He would cover a story,
If he thought it meant glory.
The editor could not have cared less.
33604 JOBS - BOSSES Arthur Pattaffy
Maybe the bosses are related;
They're certainly all overrated.
A masochist am I;
I've worked for this guy,
For fifteen years and I hate it.
33605 JOBS - BOSSES Jim Weaver Collection
It's hard to find good men and hire 'em;
It seems that all work will soon tire 'em.
And their work they will shirk
While the coffee does perk --
You no longer can threaten or fire 'em.
33606 JOBS - BOSSES Albin Chaplin 3024-2617
Arthur Deex, I am making a plea,
Mail The Pentatette quick as can be.
The subscription expired,
And I'm about to be fired
From the job I've done forty years - for free.
33607 JOBS - BOSSES Susan Hall P0112
There was a young typist of Ross
Who drew a crude sketch of the boss.
And the very next day
She drew her last pay,
But they reckoned she wasn't much loss.
33608 JOBS - BOSSES John Blyth
The Boss with some hormone control
Sees things are now taking their toll
Decides to clean house,
But doesn't DELOUSE.
Lawyers stay, it's staff heads that roll.
33609 JOBS - BOSSES
I am wondering why there's such a delay,
Getting my employment tribunal underway.
The forms I've filled in,
And I've a good chance to win;
It's my job back, that I want right away.
33610 JOBS - BOSSES
There was a young fellow named Strudel;
All day long at his job he did doodle.
Without help from his boss,
He would be a big loss,
And he followed him 'round like a poodle.
33611 JOBS - BOSSES Albin Chaplin Appeal 1918
At my work I worked with young Bob,
We talked quite a lot on the job.
The boss cared not for talk;
Told us to take a walk;
On the dole, with no jobs, we hob-nob.
33612 JOBS - BOSSES Arthur Pattaffy
I once knew a girl from Wisconsin
Who poured lighter fluid by Ronson
All over her boss,
Because she was cross
And wanted control of his Johnson.
33613 JOBS - BOSSES Travis Brasell
One day I will strangle my boss;
Cut him up into pieces and toss
Him a bit at a time,
Into pits full of lime...
Ah, that's better; I'm feeling less cross.
33614 JOBS - BOSSES
He screwed up the clerk and her life
And then he went home to his wife.
These lawyers don't care
About an affair.
The staff has to deal with the strife.
33615 JOBS - BOSSES
I'd much rather not work, Just stall.
I wish that the system would fall,
And hit with a crash
Then I could get cash,
For just doing nothing at all.
33616 JOBS - BOSSES
Employers have all of the jobs;
Without them, well we are just yobs.
They hold them all tight,
'Cause they love the sight
Of pleading reduced down to sobs.
33617 JOBS - BOSSES Archie
A break I'm now taking from work;
A welcome, if minuscule, perk;
And though pre-arranged
Seems the boss is deranged;
He's just mailed me some work, stupid jerk.
33618 JOBS - BOSSES
I can't stand this working anymore;
It isn't any fun -- it's a bore.
Another dollar today;
That's how little they pay;
I need combat wage for this chore!
33619 JOBS - BOSSES Jim Weaver Collection
No fooling at work? Such a loss!
It's clear that you need a new boss.
No play and all work
Would drive me berserk.
My drill bits should not "gather moss."
33620 JOBS - BOSSES Marlene Lewis
To work for the boss has it's use;
It gives me the cash to buy juice,
So I can ease cares,
Perhaps lay some snares
For one who I'd like to seduce.
33621 JOBS - BOSSES
Oh sod it. My boss, unforgivin',
Expects me to work for a livin'.
Each night and each day
With no respite for play;
And to edges of madness I'm driven.
33622 JOBS - BOSSES
Some men will endure all the stress
To climb to the heights of success.
But on reaching the pinnacle,
You will find they turn cynical --
There is nobody left to impress.
33623 JOBS - BOSSES Albin Chaplin 3024-2806
I can't read his mind, it's too small;
I can't understand him at all.
I'll give you the scoop:
The boss is a poop
Besides which he's not very tall!
33624 JOBS - BOSSES Marlene
I should have been working away
But the project's been cancelled today.
Should the boss still expect
Me to work, in effect,
I shall tell him quite bluntly, "No way!"
33625 JOBS - BOSSES Peter Wilkins
My co-worker and I were called crass,
But then others joined up to kiss ass.
With manner OBSEQUIOUS
They formed a clique wi' us
To line up and salute the brass.
33626 JOBS - BOSSES Norm
What a wonderful ending you see;
From this asshole, you will be free.
And roles you will switch
'Cause payback's a bitch:
Cutting, crushing, choking... What glee!
33627 JOBS - BOSSES
If you don't want your boss to say nay,
When you ask leave to do things your way,
Then you better ask soon;
Don't delay until June;
'Cause permissions are granted by "May".
33628 JOBS - BOSSES Peter Wilkins
What d'ya mean by "working it through"?
Does your boss still treat you like poo?
I don't mean that Bear,
But it's so unfair;
Why can't he take on someone new?
33629 JOBS - BOSSES
I've got a friend who's called Rob,
Who advanced kind of quick at his job.
The others were jealous
'Cause Rob was so zealous,
When he polished the boss's big knob.
33630 JOBS - BOSSES
A rising young VP was tired
Of having his ideas mired
In red tape. He roared
At the head of the Board.
He's now older, wiser, and fired.
33631 JOBS - BOSSES Eos P8503
The work is a damn deadly bore.
The same crap we looked at before.
It has not been changed;
It's not rearranged.
Next week, we'll go look at some more!
33632 JOBS - BOSSES
That secretary pines all day
The Boss will her way again stray.
For work she's no time
I think he's a slime.
She played, but now I get to pay.
33633 JOBS - BOSSES
When I get so damned bored at work,
Responsibility I shirk.
When my boss comes by,
I look in his eye
And give him a shit-eatin' smirk.
33634 JOBS - BOSSES
But one day I'll give up this job
And I'll throttle him slowly, the slob.
I'll enjoy the surprise
And the fear in his eyes,
As I slice off his bollocks and knob.
33635 JOBS - BOSSES
If he's "sucked" his way to the top,
Between posts, it seems he can hop.
So Carol, quit mopin';
His old post is open;
Apply, and suck his lollipop.
33636 JOBS - BOSSES
She screamed as she opened the door,
"If you dare invite just one more
Darn boss to dinner,
We'll all be thinner.
We can't feed them -- we are too poor!"
33637 JOBS - BOSSES Marty TP9807
There once was a statement of Mission,
Of energy, fusion, and fission.
The words were just fine,
In fact, quite divine,
But the content was met with derision.
33638 JOBS - BOSSES Dena Norton
The time we have spent, they will say,
Has enriched our sad lives in some way.
Don't we learn as we work?
(If we don't go berserk)
Still I'd rather they 'enrich' our pay.
33639 JOBS - BOSSES Lynn
Unemployed! I am now out of work;
The manager, I think he's a jerk.
Such a trivial offense!
Due to traffic dense,
I was frequently late for my work.
33640 JOBS - BOSSES Funny Bone
I had a real gross day at work;
My boss was the typical jerk.
"Do that and do this --
Come give us a kiss."
Makes me wish I was the file clerk.
33641 JOBS - BOSSES
Two days off from the old doo-doo mines;
They can stick it where Sol never shines!
So, let's you and me hug,
And we'll go cut a rug,
At a pub, chug-a-lug from our steins!
33642 JOBS - BOSSES
Then one who is already hitched
One secretary he just ditched
His wife had found out
What he was about
He went home like it never itched.
33643 JOBS - BOSSES
This week I've to stay in a cheap
Nasty ghastly hotel; I could weep.
Yes, I've been there before
And I said never more
But the boss says I've got to; the creep.
33644 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
Last time I was there, got a cramp
On account of the mould and the damp
On the ceiling and walls,
And I singed my poor balls
With electrical shocks from the lamp.
33645 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
Each night I heard floorboards a-creaking
As tarts and their punters went sneaking
Upstairs in the gloom
To the very next room;
I couldn't sleep for the bedsprings a-squeaking.
33646 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
The bathroom was way down the hall,
For there wasn't an en suite at all;
And I queued for an hour
For a pee and a shower,
Which was colder than ice, I recall.
33647 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
The breakfast was swimming in grease.
I complained but they told me to cease;
If I didn't stop my noise,
They would send in the boys
And the tanks and the chief of police.
33648 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
The outlook's exceedingly bleak;
I'll be there for the rest of the week.
Bet the bedroom is cold
And the sheets full of mould,
And the ceiling above springs a leak.
33649 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
In that awful hotel where you stayed,
Did you notice the cute chambermaid?
If you played your cards right,
You would find that she might
Be inclined, for a fee, to get laid.
33650 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
I've seen the cute chambermaid,
But I cannot pay to get laid.
If she charges by night,
She just might bite,
And of shots I am deathly afraid.
33651 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
Though no one can call me a slacker,
He whined, "Boy, I'd sure like to smack her
Right into a ditch.
My boss is a bitch."
Here Jon, have some cheese on your cracker.
33652 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Carol
It is true that my boss (let's be blunt)
Could win "Most Detestable Cunt!"
But only because
She won't wash her fuzz,
When she fucks the whole crew as a stunt.
33653 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Jon Gearhart
There will be no Company dances;
There will be no payroll advances.
You will workd double shift,
Never cause us a rift,
Or retire and have no pension chances.
33654 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Jim Weaver Collection
You'll work overtime every day!
There will be no increse in your pay!
Your pension? Get real!
Your life blood I steal!
And you'll do whatever I say!
33655 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Jim Weaver Collection
A bookseller toiling in Droyeda,
Had an assistant who often annoyed 'er.
Complaints came in volumes,
And were stacked up in columns,
Till she wished she had never employed 'er.
33656 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
A young Irish servant in Droyeda,
Had a mistress who often annoyed her.
Whereon she would swear,
In a language so rare,
That thereafter no one employed her.
33657 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
Dear boss, I now have claustrophobia
To go with my agoraphobia;
And something else lurks
And it really irks --
Oh no! Ergasiophobia! (behavior? - McW)
33658 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
Ergasiophobia I'm sure
Means labouring you can't endure.
I've had that from birth,
But it fills me with mirth,
As to why you would try for a cure.
33659 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
There once was a lady named Lydia
Whose employer inclined to perfidia.
With a timing all wrong,
A note came along:
"Dear Lydia, So sorry -- We're rid o'ya!"
33660 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
Now sweet Lydia would often wax comic
Over various parts anatomic.
And so to her reply,
(to remember her by),
She appended a drawing mnemonic.
33661 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
"My Dear Sir (or Ma'am): I just love it!
I would think myself too far above it!
In a manner so rude
I've never been screwed!
See attached, for where you can shove it!"
33662 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
The sketching was Dear, Old Ma Bell,
In a posture so lewd - I must tell -
Rather daintily built, her
Skirts tossed a-kilter,
Stooped coarsely, bare cheeks all a-swell.
33663 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
"Oh I see, now Ma's torn asunder,
What department was it I was under!
A shame there weren't more of us,
Neath her nethermost orifice,
The more to feel more moribunder!
33664 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
'Twas on her last day she did linger,
Just to call up H.Q. on the ringer.
In her melifluous way,
With a smile, she did say:
"Reach Out... and Get Touched... by THIS finger!"
33665 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
This lady named Lyd was a Queen
(If not what she once might have been)
For though older a year,
She kept what is dear:
Eye Bright, and Wit Sharp (if obscene).
33666 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chris Robinson
He's driving me nuts; he's a jerk!
He's giving me all the shit work.
If he wants to live,
From now on he'll give
All this kind of crap to the clerk.
33667 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
I'm sure that Boss Man has you stewing
With the shit-load of work that you're doing.
To be perfectly clear,
You're out of luck, dear,
'Cause the Clerk is the one he is screwing.
33668 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
Bleeding Hell! He's a chauvinist pig;
At my boss I will take a huge dig.
I work so hard, I sweat;
But what do I get?
My boss doesn't give a damn fig.
33669 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Michelle
Go in Saturdays, do vast overtime,
But then try to claim what is mine?
Oh sure, there's reductions
And plenty deductions,
But extra? Not even a dime.
33670 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Michelle
You probably don't care but my boss
On his lunchhour-and-a-half hits the sauce.
After his three martinis,
With a beer in between, he's
With matters of time, at a loss.
33671 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Baldy
In handy, this comes, around four
O'clock when we head for the door.
We're up to our tricks --
The clocks all say six!
He thinks we've slaved two hours more.
33672 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Baldy
The traffic is bad on the way
To work, and I'm late, so I say:
"Hey boss, don't be surly,
Tonight I'll leave early.
I can't be late twice in one day.
33673 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Tiddy Ogg
Well now, if your boss is a droid,
I'm sure that he won't be annoyed.
But if he's a brain,
You'd better refrain
Or else you'll soon be unemployed.
33674 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Tiddy Ogg
I'm sorry about the confusion.
I think it must be that contusion
I have on my brain;
It makes me insane.
Perhaps I should go in seclusion.
33675 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Carol
...And live in the local convent,
Take vows of silence and repent
My sinful gum chewing,
My constantly screwing
My boss, to torture and torment.
33676 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Carol
The drugs that you take is for numbin'
Your brain so no thoughts it can summon.
There's one more solution
To numb that contusion --
My tongue on your clit 'til you're comin'.
33677 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Tongueman
She discussed her past work in detail,
With a voice that was soft as a fine ale.
And the shape of her thighs
And the squint of her eyes,
Made it hard for me not to be male.
33678 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
In the ensuing days of her hiring,
She was provocatively inspiring.
All my needs she would meet
With an air so replete,
That in time I would pay for desiring.
33679 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
"M' Lard", said the sweet English maid,
"I wonder if I could get laid,
In lieu of my wages,
I'll fuck you in stages,
A non-taxible way to get paid."
33680 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
That method of payment in lieu,
Alas, now we must bid adieu.
Those taxmen, the jerks,
Will charge for such perks,
And screw you for every such screw.
33681 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
"We'll done, Hon, I'm happy for you;
There's none more deserving than you.
You've done very well
By working like hell,
And being your boss'es best screw!"
33682 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES
It's Saturday - time for a break;
No commuting to keep me awake.
That snooze until seven
Was absolute heaven;
Another mid-morning I'll take.
33683 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Peter Wilkins
By Sunday, refreshed I should be;
A-jumping and humping with glee.
But dammit - my boss
Says we're making a loss;
I'll be gone again well before three.
33684 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Peter Wilkins
Another week working away
("Oop north" as Lancastrians say).
It's time I retired
Or I got myself fired
And escaped from this working affray.
33685 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Peter Wilkins
It's five days till Friday -- Goddamn!
I'm tired of bosses and them
Reports, meetings, fits,
My young colleagues' tits
And lunches of beer and stale ham.
33686 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Nikita
Your bored seeing tits, my young Nik?
Then your company's not what I'd pick.
For boobs, bosom, titties
And even Bristol Cities [? - McW]
Go through my eyeballs to my prick!
33687 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Archie
I see those same tits every day;
Bouncing, jiggling away.
We need some diversity
In my university
To lead us young white males astray.
33688 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Nikita
I hate your young white male guts;
Would you rather have floppy-ass butts?
It's all I see here,
Only taut one is queer.
I'd matriculate to view those chestnuts.
33689 JOBS - BOSSES - SERIES Chubby
Offending the old Mother Grundys
Is what we do best on our Mondays,
Perversions on Wednesday
Make that our fun hensday,
While priests are maligned on our Sundays.
33690 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK
I love when the week reaches Friday;
When 5 o'clock comes, it is my day.
Then I can go bar hop
And pick up a bed flop-
Per who likes to do all the things my way.
33691 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK Jon Gearhart
While most folks anticipate Friday,
It's mid-week that I can call my day.
My wife works on the weekend,
So Wednesday's when we spend
Our kiss, foreplay, "wink", then just lie day.
33692 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK MJay
Each Monday's a day so depressing,
Arriving without any blessing.
On Wednesday I'm peaking;
By Friday I'm shrieking,
"Come on Carol, let's start undressing!"
33693 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK Jon Gearhart
Each Monday's a day so depressing,
The gun in my mouth I'm surpressing.
No jobs in my view;
I'm ready to spew;
I need a shrink for expressing.
33694 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK Jim Davis
A punctual damsel, Miss Tique,
Wears panties THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.
When midnight would strike,
Her dress she would hike
Regardless of who's there to peek.
33695 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK Irving Superior P8802
A Thursday's a day I can cope,
For Friday's in sight and brings hope.
Our break will arrive
And our love with thrive
When we shower and play drop the soap.
33696 JOBS - DAYS OF WEEK Jon Gearhart
A big, bouncy, beautiful, lusty
Young girl of eighteen, name of Dusty,
(The miller's young daughter)
Made bread like she oughter,
In shapes reminiscently busty.
33697 JOBS - FOOD
Old Henry, our baker, indeed,
Bakes our bread at incredible speed.
Every second or so
He bakes kilos of dough,
But I fear he bakes more than we knead.
33698 JOBS - FOOD Peter Wilkins
To the bus boy we must tip our cap;
The table he clears in a snap.
Though he's highly infectious,
His germs won't affect us.
He hasn't got AID'S, just the clap.
33699 JOBS - FOOD Parker Waterman P0109
The wife of the butcher of Clewer,
Was riding a bike and it threw her.
The butcher came by,
And said, "Dearest, don't cry,"
And he fastened her on with a skewer.
33700 JOBS - FOOD
Our butcher is quite a recluse;
With women he's very obtuse.
He call them "My duck,"
In hopes of some luck,
And often he gives them a goose.
33701 JOBS - FOOD Tiddy Ogg
As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops,
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
Since he thinks it's effete
To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
33702 JOBS - FOOD
There was an old butcher named Thistle
Who sent to young lads this epistle:
"Don't cut meat for a living,
It's a job unforgiving.
It's no pleasure to wrestle with gristle."
33703 JOBS - FOOD Albin Chaplin 3024-2814
There was a young girl of Eutoxeter,
Who worked nine to five as a choc-setter.
She rolled the choc thin
With a wee rolling-pin,
So they'd fit in the chocolate box better.
33704 JOBS - FOOD Stanley J. Sharpless
A cinnamon peeler from Kandy
Was the most popular guy in the landy.
Where e'er he would stray,
They insisted he stay
For he made the place smell sweet and dandy.
33705 JOBS - FOOD Maxine Stephen
The scope of adhesives is vast
And some will solidify fast.
If you quickly apply
Some glue to the guy,
The cobbler should stick to his last.
33706 JOBS - FOOD VOL 6
It's like a wrong-way stroking of fur
When I first hear that miserable cur,
The bane of us all
Who starts off his call
With, "How are you tonight, sir?"
33707 JOBS - FOOD
North of Nome there's a farmer I know,
Whose fields are all covered with snow,
From September to May,
When the stuff melts away,
Leaving just time for nothing to grow.
33708 JOBS - FOOD John Ciardi
Yes I know about cows and their fodder.
When in need, I'm a great chicken spotter.
I can count all those hens
And the sheep in their pens,
For you see, I was one farmer's daughter.
33709 JOBS - FOOD Jim Weaver Collection
From Everett there was a young man,
Who thought he was perfectly grand,
Until one fine day,
He found 30 bales of hay,
And said, "Oh! I guess I'm a farmhand."
33710 JOBS - FOOD
While fishing for herring in Wick,
He was taken, quite suddenly, sick.
He then lost his lure,
And his sinkers, for sure.
He's in more of a pickle than Bick.
33711 JOBS - FOOD Mervyn Cripps
Jean Pierre was the chef de cuisine;
Could do wonders with meat, fish or bean.
The food critics sing,
"Of the kitchen he's king."
He's not only king, he's a queen.
33712 JOBS - FOOD Parker Waterman P0109
The maitre d' Jacques is quite able.
Greets patrons in fox, mink or sable.
With the room nearly empty,
Jacques makes the attempt, he
Tries to give you the very worst table.
33713 JOBS - FOOD Parker Waterman P0109
A milkman by name of McGivery,
While taking his horse to the livery,
In the groin got a kick,
But he said rather quick,
That is would not affect his delivery.
33714 JOBS - FOOD Albin Chaplin 3024-1804
The milkman comes by every day;
His milk I won't buy, there's no way.
The reason is easy:
'Cause he's really sleazy,
And his horse always shits in the dray.
33715 JOBS - FOOD
A flat-pack, whichever you choose,
Is life, in a box: here's the clues:
It's bloody hard work;
You feel like a jerk;
And never d'you get enough screws.
33716 JOBS - FOOD
There was an old codger from Perth
Who plucked pheasants for all he was worth.
He sang all day
As he plucked away;
That pleasant pheasant plucker from Perth.
33717 JOBS - FOOD Funny Bone
There once was an old pheasant plucker,
Who pleasantly plucked a young trucker,
But the driver objected
When being subjected
To pleasantly plucking his pucker.
33718 JOBS - FOOD Hugh Clary
A young topless waitress named Viv
Gave everything that she could give.
There was one omission,
She earned only commission.
She found on this, that she couldn't live.
33719 JOBS - FOOD Arthur Pattaffy
The waiter's the best in the group;
He's in a theatrical group.
Waiting tables destroys him,
So if one annoys him
In the kitchen he spits in one's soup.
33720 JOBS - FOOD Parker Waterman P0109
A brawny young girl from Penrith,
Decided to be a blacksmith.
Making shoes for racehorses,
Was one of her courses;
Not for women! That's only a myth.
33721 JOBS - MANUAL Arthur Pattaffy
There once was a blacksmith in Danville
Who made so much noise on his anvil,
That the neighbors, one day
Went and hauled it away,
And bulldozed it into the landfill.
33722 JOBS - MANUAL William D Robinson
I went to a blacksmith in Toulouse;
I said my horse needed new shoes.
Bad communication
Led to an altercation,
When I called back, he was smelling of booze.
33723 JOBS - MANUAL Arthur Pattaffy
Beneath the old chestnut tree spreading,
The young village maidens come treading
Up to the front door,
In hopes that they'll score,
And tonight them, the smith will be bedding.
33724 JOBS - MANUAL Tiddy Ogg
They hang 'round the doorway real coy,
Not knowing the smith don't enjoy
Such feminine wiles.
He'd rather run miles
In search of a suitable boy...
33725 JOBS - MANUAL Tiddy Ogg
...To pump at his bellows while he,
Skilled craftsman as ever he be,
Will beat at his metal,
That's now in fine fettle,
'Til it's bent as that miller of Dee.
33726 JOBS - MANUAL Tiddy Ogg
There was a young farmer from Chard,
Who decided that life was too hard.
His visions grew wider;
No apples for cider;
He became a pop-star's bodyguard.
33727 JOBS - MANUAL Arthur Pattaffy
There once was a baker named Baker,
Who baked the mistake of a caker.
But without ado,
He took it and some glue,
And became a cabinet maker.
33728 JOBS - MANUAL Jim Weaver Collection
A carpenter from Kalamazoo
Built a house without nail or a screw.
When the house fell apart,
He said, "Cross my heart,
That's the last time for Scotch Tape and glue!"
33729 JOBS - MANUAL Jim Weaver Collection
A carpenter in Finlandia
Said, "How long have I got to stand here?
I'm all by myself,
Trying to put up this shelf.
Won't somebody give me a hand here?"
33730 JOBS - MANUAL Michael Palin
A carpenter's helper named Neville
Never made anything level.
A table or chair
Was best made elsewhere,
Then taken to Neville to bevel.
33731 JOBS - MANUAL Michael Palin
A cylinder grinder named Fred
Was thinking of work while in bed.
When his wife, Mary, groaned,
"I need to be boned."
He ground down his missus instead.
33732 JOBS - MANUAL John Bellhouse
The hole-diggers dig up the street,
Then the hole-fillers fill them but neat.
So the hole-digging men
Dig a bigger one, then
For the hole-diggers hate to be beat.
33733 JOBS - MANUAL Peter Wilkins
But back come the hole-filling men,
Filling hole-diggers' holes once again.
Then the diggers with vigor
Go dig them much bigger,
For such is the hole-digger's yen.
33734 JOBS - MANUAL Peter Wilkins
You'll notice those hole-digging men
Sometimes wait for the moment when
The resurfacing crew
Makes the road all brand-new,
Then they start digging holes once again.
33735 JOBS - MANUAL Tony Bburrell
Other times you will simply find
That the surface they've chosen to grind
Will now end in a hump,
Which gives quite a thump
To each drivers tender behind.
33736 JOBS - MANUAL Tomea
Johnny's new warehouse job was a bore;
Packing boxes all day was a chore.
For that job he had yearned
But it's one he'd have spurned,
If the "ware" hadn't sounded like "whore".
33737 JOBS - MANUAL Lims For Year - 01
An old lady, from near Mississugger,
Was in love with a seasonal logger.
"Though he cannot be here
For ten months of the year,
Still I love him -- the silly old bugger!"
33738 JOBS - MANUAL Keith MacMillan 62d
A lumberjack novice named Claude,
Quit his job and them moved abroad.
It wasn't the hills,
Or mountains or rills,
He just didn't like what he sawed.
33739 JOBS - MANUAL Margaret A. Murdock P8303
To axes now few loggers HEW;
With chain-saws they fell trees; a few.
Such hewing's a breeze,
Except when species
Are endangered by hacking they do.
33740 JOBS - MANUAL Chris Papa
Say a tree had a penis, I'd scoff,
And suggest that your head's up your trough.
But a logger will brake
His truck for the sake
Of letting the lumberjack off.
33741 JOBS - MANUAL Hugh Clary
Two fellows who were lumberjacks,
Took a break, while at work, to relax.
Boss perambulated,
Found them both prostrated,
And promptly gave them the axe.
33742 JOBS - MANUAL Observer
"Would you chop down this forest?" I said
To three lumberjacks, John, Dick, and Fred.
But they muttered, "Oh dear,
It will take us all year,
For we're only tree fellers," and fled.
33743 JOBS - MANUAL Peter Wilkins
Far up on the mountain last night,
Out under the stars full and bright,
I lifted my timber
(And I wished it was limber!)
And strained my damn guts till I shite!
33744 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
I slung my big log 'cross my shoulder,
(Not easily done, as I'm older!)
And toted it down
The mountain to town,
And shoved it in Winnie's log holder.
33745 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
Now, Winnie's my log loading pal,
A stubborn but faithful old gal;
She sometimes unruly,
Yet for a Log Muley,
She packs well with nary a scowl.
33746 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
Whenever I come up beside her,
I'm careful to never deride her;
She's such a sweet soul,
Who's taken my pole
So often and still lets me ride her.
33747 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
Through many fine log mules I sifted
Till I found dear Winnie -- so gifted!
For nigh 30 years,
She's brought me to tears
When, gladly, my timber she's lifted!
33748 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
Yes, Winnie has brought me good luck;
She's one mule who's not prone to buck;
She's always quite ready
To stand straight and steady
So that my big log won't get stuck!
33749 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
And when up on the mountain tonight,
While under the stars full and bright,
I'll hear Winnie braying,
As her way of saying,
"My log holder's still good and tight!"
33750 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
When you're out in our national park,
You must guard your log 'til it's dark.
Lest a woodpecker's bill
Do a rat-a-tat drill
For the worms crawling under the bark.
33751 JOBS - MANUAL Alan Wolverton
Since I have long been a believer
That a log man must be a achiever
Of timber that's good,
I guard, as I should,
'Gainst peckerwoods -- also of beaver!
33752 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
I often see signs for MEN WORKING
Surrounded by managers shirking,
While one lonely guy
Must his labor apply;
Wouldn't MAN WORKING signs be less irking?
33753 JOBS - MANUAL Cyber Geezer
A masseuse, much to her dismay,
Was victim of client non-pay.
"The reason," he said,
"Is, you're a dumbhead,
And you have rubbed me the wrong way!"
33754 JOBS - MANUAL Tiddy Ogg
She said, "Now don't be tempermental.
I'll rub you with oils essential."
Then lowering her voice,
Said "You've got a choice
Of Texaco or Occidental."
33755 JOBS - MANUAL Tiddy Ogg
Trained masseur, "Jolly" Roger McKay,
Wasn't able to make his skill pay.
Though known as a savant
He had a penchant,
For rubbing folks all the wrong way.
33756 JOBS - MANUAL Loren Fitzhugh P0303
In winter two ladies named Peters
Kept warm by their cozy gas heaters.
Their gas price was low
And the reason was: "So
We are screwed by the readers of meters."
33757 JOBS - MANUAL Albin Chaplin 3024-0292
At Timmins, a miner, ill-fated,
Would avoid safety clothes, insulated,
Which down in the pit
Didn't matter a bit,
Till he came out at night -- copperplated!
33758 JOBS - MANUAL Mrs Don Gale, Ontario 72c
This week I'm working the first shift,
And that early I am not too swift.
With puffy red eyes,
I need help from the guys,
In locating my own fork lift.
33759 JOBS - MANUAL
If ever dear, somehow you forgot,
Not 'fork lift' but your special spot
With which you do straddle
My face and my saddle,
Both tongues will help locate your twat!
33760 JOBS - MANUAL
It's just like going into combat;
At work, while I'm still training Pat.
Up on the fork lift,
The gears he can't shift,
And the seatbelt won't go 'round his fat.
33761 JOBS - MANUAL Carol
It must be your free-swinging tits,
That's giving poor Patrick the fits.
With using the clutch
To shift and to touch
Your breasts, while he's jerking his bits.
33762 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
However, I've had quite a chuckle
Envisioning your trying to buckle
That seat belt 'round Pat,
Who grabs his green hat,
And thinks you are fixin' to fuckle.
33763 JOBS - MANUAL Travis Brasell
I have to say I'm tickled too,
Imagining that sticky goo.
He's shaped like a pig;
His belly's so big,
It sticks out further than his dickie do.
33764 JOBS - MANUAL Jeanie
Said the gutsy young lady named Dinah,
Who resigned from her job as a miner.
"That awful coal dust
Spoils a girl's snow white bust
And seeps in a miner's vagina."
33765 JOBS - MANUAL M C Pigg P0308
Dinah tried for a job as a rigger.
The guys at the office would snigger.
"We'll hire you really quick
When you've grown a dick,
And tits are not part of your figger."
33766 JOBS - MANUAL M C Pigg P0308
The foreman gave Dinah a gift;
She was hired for a longshoreman's shift.
In an hour she was fired
When she said, "I'm so tired
And that box is too heavy to lift."
33767 JOBS - MANUAL M C Pigg P0308
There was a hard worker named Morrie,
Who worked hard at his work in the quarry.
At the end of the day,
He was too tired to play
With his kids. He could only say sorry.
33768 JOBS - MANUAL Arthur Pattaffy
To Egypt a long distance call
From China, "We're building a wall.
Since your man is through,
Ask him, can he do
Less slanting, and not quite as tall?"
(Pyramid vs Chinese Wall)
33769 JOBS - MANUAL Irving Superior P9301
An old watchmaker from Anaheim,
Did not have his hands on the time.
If a watch stops today,
One just throws it away.
His watchmaking's now not worth a dime.
33770 JOBS - MANUAL Arthur Pattaffy
He washee window way up there.
About his work he really care.
People quite buffaloed
When see him on scaffold.
They say, "There's a Nip in the air."
33771 JOBS - MANUAL Jane D. Hughes P9301
A young man, a real eager beaver,
Was soon at his job with a cleaver.
His work as a killer,
Finished up in the chiller.
He died not in the chair, but of fever.
33772 JOBS - MANUAL Arthur Pattaffy
A firefighter named Hearnd
Forgot everything he had learned;
A careless mishandle
Of a decorative candle;
He watched as his property burned.
33773 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Puff Adder
A vigilant fireman named Byron
Extinguished the fire in a siren,
But it smoldered and flamed
And he sadly proclaimed
There were too many fires for his iron.
33774 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Albin Chaplin 3024-0074
As the tired fireman reeled in the hose,
He was so cold that he almost froze.
Unless he got some heat
From his head to his feet,
He'd have parts that would soon decompose.
33775 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Arthur Pattaffy
The hairdresser, combing quite errant
Pulled hard on his pate. "Oh you weren't
To do that!" cried he
(Who was balder than thee!)
She replied, "Just making hair apparent."
33776 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED LaDonna Jones P8503
A horologist, making a clock,
Said, "My sign gives tailhunters a shock.
They come in a whirl
With hotpants for a girl,
When there's none to be had in THIS block!"
33777 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Grand Prix Lim 437
I know the man who repairs my shoes;
A dying trade that he would not choose.
When told as a lad
He must follow his dad,
He agreed in case dad blew a fuse!
33778 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Arthur Pattaffy
When Freddy, the shoemaker, fell,
His output of shoes fell as well.
Said a customer, "Freddy,
Will my shoes soon be ready?"
But Freddy said, "Awl is not well."
33779 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Albin Chaplin 3024-2568
A skilled maker of shoes was young Hearst;
When he entered a contest, men cursed.
And they all were aghast
When first prize was for last,
For young Hearst for his last came in first.
33780 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Albin Chaplin 3024-2614
A watchmaker, most unorthodox,
Put just half of the works in his clocks.
He said, "None of my clients
Are versed in this science--
They won't know I'm omitting the tocks."
33781 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Vincent Torre P9406
A builder who worked at great heights,
Said he enjoyed being there for the sights.
He liked what he saw,
But wished it were more,
Especially through windows at nights!
33782 JOBS - MANUAL - SKILLED Arthur Pattaffy
The way that I make all my money,
Some people may find rather funny.
On every fresh copy,
While it is still soppy,
I cover mistakes with some honey.
33783 JOBS - MEDIA
Damon Runyon thought young men should know
One rule when to manhood they grow:
They should always avoid
Like the plague and typhoid
Fast women and horses that're slow.
33784 JOBS - MEDIA Warrick Elrod
A lady advisor/sex sleuth
Concentrates on your moment of truth.
"Too fast? Make it linger
With tongue, toe and finger,"
Comes advice from our own Doctor Ruth.
33785 JOBS - MEDIA Jane D. Hughes P9006
Now don't you go and get all mad,
Take a breath, settle down my lad!
There's hope for you yet,
You just have to get,
Dr. Ruth to lay you, Egad!
33786 JOBS - MEDIA
That short little woman will teach you
Everything just shy of voodoo.
By the time she gets done,
You'll be number one,
But she'll need a ladder to reach you!
33787 JOBS - MEDIA
Gagging you scream Dr. Who?
Noo, that's a British sci fi show, turuloo.
Now pay attention,
Dr. Ruth I did mention,
The wild things she'll teach you to do!
33788 JOBS - MEDIA
Good sex, if you must know the truth,"
Remarked the demure Dr. Ruth,
"Is well sanitized fucking.
The obsession with sucking --
Not only bad taste, but uncouth."
33789 JOBS - MEDIA Ed Potts P8606
Every Sunday I throw out my back
When I pick up the Tribune's thick stack.
The fat sheets, myriad,
All contain someone's ad,
Without which it would be a mere tract.
33790 JOBS - MEDIA William N Nesbit
Hugh Hefner's a guy who just brags,
"The Mansion's where fun never lags.
Where the girls and great foods
Satisfy all your moods,
While I keep track of my money bags."
33791 JOBS - MEDIA Tom Patton P9902
We all know she does like to diet
And at work is never too quiet.
She's a smart-ass hen
Who dabbles in men,
And if spotting a Clairol, she'll buy it.
33792 JOBS - MEDIA Dick Hull
While at work on a client's behalf,
We would stop while she made us all laugh.
And it's no rumor,
Her sense of humor
Will surely delight her new staff!
33793 JOBS - MEDIA Dick Hull
In La Belle France, if one wished to rate,
And nobility wasn't his fate,
He could happily catch
A job with "Paris Match",
Then apply to join the Fourth Estate.
33794 JOBS - MEDIA Loren C Fitzhugh
Though John would keep writing OP ED,
They never would print what he said.
John deeply deplored
His being ignored,
So next time he wrote to "hOP hEaD."
33795 JOBS - MEDIA Irving Superior
Of newspaper moguls, the worst:
Tyrannical William R. Hearst.
Drove Unions insane
While brow-beating Kane.
Oh, Happy the day Hearst was hearsed.
33796 JOBS - MEDIA Irving Superior
The N.Y. Times staff does a stint
Which requires them to practice a squint,
Which ensures that these sages,
In these days and ages,
Won't see "All of the News Fit to Print".
33797 JOBS - MEDIA Loren C Fitzhugh
I'm of filth such a dogged acquirer;
Of privacy no lame admirer,
That I'm pleased to announce
I'm ready to pounce!
I've been hired by the National Enquirer!!
33798 JOBS - MEDIA
Since newspapers sometimes surprise
The names of the ones who demise,
I next read the weather,
Deciding on whether
To roll up, and start swatting flies.
33799 JOBS - MEDIA Irving Superior
With T.V. around, who is sure
That newspapers long can endure?
Where T.V. most fails
Aside from details
In winter, who'd cover the poor?
33800 JOBS - MEDIA Irving Superior
William R. Hearst, of ethics uncouth,
Didn't tolerate even Vermouth.
Given that, it's not odd
That he trampled roughshod
Over accuracy and the truth.
33801 JOBS - MEDIA Loren C Fitzhugh
An editor by the name of Hughes
Said, "I'll print any headline I choose."
But a faulty report
Put his ass into court;
Now the poor guy is singing the blues.
33802 JOBS - MEDIA Tom Patton
All newspaper boardroom agenda i
Since Murdoch, have had some addenda;
Must everyone plan
For the dirty old man
Who only wants female pudenda?
33803 JOBS - MEDIA Paul Jennings
Rupert Murdoch, with glee, shouted "What
A lot of newspapers I've got!
I've just got to get
The Beekeepers' Gazette,
And The War Cry and I've got the lot."
33804 JOBS - MEDIA Frank Richards
You're the wisest of wise in the land,
And on that idea you expand.
There's nothing you lack,
We won't pat your back,
For there we'd encounter your hand.
(conservative pundit asshole in the States, 1990's)
33805 JOBS - MEDIA Ray Hemphill
The media thinks it's their role
To inform and control and cajole.
They're brilliant, although,
When they just don't know,
They refer to the wise Gallup Poll.
33806 JOBS - MEDIA Al Willis TP9802
In choosing the views I peruse,
I'm cancelling CNN News.
The where and the why is
There's so damned much bias,
They're making me puke in my shoes.
33807 JOBS - MEDIA
Of the mistress of W. Randolf Hearst,
All friends suspected the worst,
For over her bed
Was the motto in red:
"The Customer Always Comes First."
33808 JOBS - MEDIA P8205
I once knew an old Engineer
With a pencil tucked behind his ear.
He could whip out a design
Without missing a line.
His drawings were always so clear.
33809 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
You could build from his first set of plans;
They were pleasure to hold in your hands.
So complete and precise;
Oh God! They were nice.
I was one of his ten thousand fans.
33810 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
Such Masters are right on the brink
Of disappearing, is what I do think.
But what can we do
To preserve the last few;
Can we clone them before they're extinct?
33811 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
We could hold universal debate
To determine the course of their fate.
But there's no time to dally,
Let's begin with a tally
Or is it already too late.
33812 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
This new breed they call Engineers
Are a disgrace to their old Master peers.
We must hold their frail hands
Till they learn do draw plans.
It may take us the rest of our years.
33813 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
Could it be that they haven't a clue
About what it is that they do.
Was the whole sorry bunch
All gone out to lunch,
When the Master explained what he drew.
33814 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
Their computers do all of their thinking
While they sit and just stare without inkling,
And wait for that tool
To spit out a jewel,
They can sell for the cash to go drinking.
33815 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
They've got 'Cover Their Asses' disclaimers,
To protect their fat checks from the blamers.
When the drawings are shitty,
It's a real fucking pity,
We must deal with these arrogant lamers.
33816 JOBS - PROFESSION Bob Leclerc
Accountants keep track of the means,
Mostly working behind the scenes.
They're extremely attentive
And anal retentive,
From counting and not eating the beans.
33817 JOBS - PROFESSION Jim Weaver Collection
An accountant, accounting with vigor,
Came across an unususal figure.
He pursed up his lips
With his hands on his hips,
And his eyes just got bigger and bigger.
33818 JOBS - PROFESSION Martin Guy
The specialty publisher, Hooker,
Well known in his trade as "Cook Booker",
Had a more famous brother.
Who was? Why none other
Than the CPA known as "Book Cooker."
33819 JOBS - PROFESSION Loren Fitzhugh P0304
An impetuous maiden named Marion,
Antidisestablishmentarian,
Took a rabbit, a bear,
And a pig to the fair,
And posed as a veterinarian.
33820 JOBS - PROFESSION Cybergeezer
There was a young lady named Marion
A disestablishmentarian,
Who purchased a gun,
Put her hair in a bun,
And became a Montana librarian.
33821 JOBS - PROFESSION Cybergeezer
There was an old banker named Bierce
Whose heart was like flint -- hard to pierce.
But a fly that was trapped
In a web and was wrapped,
Brought tears to his eyes something fierce.
33822 JOBS - PROFESSION Albin Chaplin 3024-2448
"Our bankers," observed Mr. Bart,
"As servants do play a fine part.
They give thoughtful advice
And make great scrifice,
And they all have our interest at heart."
33823 JOBS - PROFESSION Albin Chaplin 3024-2433
For all of his technical drivel,
This lad's reputation will shrivel:
He can't measure loads,
He can't design roads --
As an engineer, he's just not civil.
33824 JOBS - PROFESSION Norm Storer P0007
The County Recorder's small niche,
Should help work go, without a hitch.
That's not working out,
And that's without doubt,
'Cause this one is really a bitch.
33825 JOBS - PROFESSION
An electrical engineer, Burkitt,
Was asked to design a new circuit,
But he failed to produce
And became a recluse:
"Since I cannot work it, I'll shirk it!"
33826 JOBS - PROFESSION Norm Storer P0012
The other day I had designed
A circuit that was much maligned.
"Hey, I did my best
But it did not pass the test."
I guess I'm just out of my mind.
33827 JOBS - PROFESSION
There was a surveyor from Kent
Whose theodolite got rather bent.
The result you can see
On the A423
Which never goes quite where they meant.
33828 JOBS - PROFESSION Michael Palin
A sour-milk smelling room's not
A place where you want to get caught.
I sit here and fume
In this smelly room;
What crap have these lawyer types got?
33829 JOBS - PROFESSION
Just sitting here drinking my tea;
I see something I did not see.
My cup has a ring
And - Yuck! - a fly's wing.
This cup sure looks dirty to me!
33830 JOBS - PROFESSION
I'm working so hard it's obscene.
That's not right; how could it have been?
We're all fully dressed
And no one is blessed
With assets like some stripper queen.
33831 JOBS - PROFESSION
When asked about fraud, Mr Hoff,
A funeral director, would scoff.
"I say thank the Lawd
There's no such thing as fraud.
Our trade calls it a R.I.P. off."
33832 JOBS - PROFESSION Tom Patton P0001
Professions: beliefs in a creed
Or jobs and a hope to succeed;
However defined,
Regardless of kind,
The motive in common is NEED.
33833 JOBS - PROFESSION R. J. Winkler P8503
Insurance men are nowt but crooks,
As they try to get you on their books.
On your own life you're betting,
With no hope of getting,
Your cash from their grappling-hooks.
33834 JOBS - PROFESSION
In sailing days, ships would arrive,
At ports on the Mersey or Clyde,
And there on the quay,
The wide-boys you'd see,
Taking bets on just who had survived.
33835 JOBS - PROFESSION
"Ah yes, Mr Ogg, please come in.
You're here for the job; we'll begin
By touring the site.
It's all clean and bright,
But the motors do make quite a din."
33836 JOBS - PROFESSION
She wore a white lab coat, and showed
Me 'round, then along up the road
To where girl technicians
Adjusted precision
Devices, and past these we strode...
33837 JOBS - PROFESSION
To the office, where, as we arrive,
She said: "We need people with drive,
Who'll play the detective,
And find their objective,
And boldly then on it will dive."
33838 JOBS - PROFESSION
She sat on a high stool; her thighs
Exposed as the coat opened. "Guys
That we will appoint,
Will need just a point-
er, then to the challenge will rise."
33839 JOBS - PROFESSION
Her fingertip tickled her mound,
And thus within seconds she found
My face in her lap,
I needed no map,
To guide me to this fertile ground."
33840 JOBS - PROFESSION
I later await her reaction.
"Yes Ogg, seems you give satisfaction.
I'll just have to see
If my colleagues agree
With the efficacy of your action."
33841 JOBS - PROFESSION
This last remark had my mind reeling.
How could they all know of our dealing?
Then heard through the door
An appreciative roar,
And the camera I saw on the ceiling.
33842 JOBS - PROFESSION
She said: "See, our girls get so stressed,
And sometimes get too much distressed,
And research has stated,
'Tis best 'leviated,
If genitally they are caressed."
33843 JOBS - PROFESSION
So now I have got me a job.
The work's pretty hard on the gob,
But I'll not complain
'Til my tongue's racked with pain,
'Cause most of those gals lick my knob.
33844 JOBS - PROFESSION
Hushing students, Librarian Lear
Whispered "Silence," and "Quiet please, dear."
To keep them in line,
She had printed a sign
Warning all that "SHHH HAPPENS" here.
33845 JOBS - PROFESSION Wormdirt TP9804
There was an old person who listed,
And numbered each book that existed.
They said to him, "Dewey!
Decimals? Phooey!"
"They do have a point," he insisted.
33846 JOBS - PROFESSION Richard Long
There once was a quiet librarian,
A sweet little octogenarian,
Who behaved with aplomb--
Until she got home,
Where she turned into quite a barbarian!
33847 JOBS - PROFESSION Paul Lusch P9405
A librarian learning to cook,
Could not do so without her cookbook.
Soup, meat, and/or fish,
In fact every known dish,
How to cook, in her book she must look.
33848 JOBS - PROFESSION Arthur Pattaffy
The children's librarian, Joan,
Has nary a child of her own.
But moms bring their moppets
To hear her do poppets:
And don't pick them up till ther're grown.
33849 JOBS - PROFESSION Tom Marlowe
A librarian of great renown,
Was heard to remark with a frown,
"Our exalted director
Wields power like a sceptor--
The next thing he'll want is a crown!
33850 JOBS - PROFESSION Linda Kay
I once met a guy from Glasgow
And this is a true story you know.
He couldn't speak French
And this stupid wench
At a bank counter, kept telling him to go.
33851 JOBS - PROFESSION
He'd been robbed in his tent one night,
So woke in a terrible fright!
All was in wrecks
And his travellers' checks
Had totally disappeared from sight.
33852 JOBS - PROFESSION
But he had written the numbers down
So searched for a bank in the town.
If Thomas Cook
Was no crook,
A refund would be back in his gown.
33853 JOBS - PROFESSION
But no-one in the bank spoke "Scot"
And "waste time on him" they would not.
Then I came in,
And then he did grin,
'Cause he saw I'd a British passport.
33854 JOBS - PROFESSION
I helped him French forms to fill out
But suddenly there was a doubt.
He turned to me
And I did see,
That on one line there was still nowt.
33855 JOBS - PROFESSION
To the question: What's your Job? he went shy.
He just didn't seem to want to reply.
Then he told me
Not too boldly
That he dug graves for those who die.
33856 JOBS - PROFESSION
I told him that wasn't shameful to do
But (and here's what reminds me of you)
He asked me to write
If I felt 'twas allright,
That he looked after penguins in a zoo!
33857 JOBS - PROFESSION
Truth be told now, the editor confesses;
To avoid great expense and worse messes,
Disregard what you've heard.
It is foolish, absurd;
No one ever dared yell, "Stop the presses!".
33858 JOBS - PROFESSION Loren C Fitzhugh
Incredibly busy and keen
Writing technical gubbins I've been.
Although home-working stuff
Is exceedingly tough,
I've not lost my self-discipline gene.
33859 JOBS - PROFESSION
A trainee hotelier from Brest
Said his training allowed him no rest.
Pursuing his trade,
He'd been chef, boots and maid;
One thing he'd not been was a guest!
33860 JOBS - PROFESSION Arthur Pattaffy
Another short Sunday today;
Quite soon I'll be going away,
To work like a dog
And my gray matter flog,
For a minimal pittance of pay.
33861 JOBS - PROFESSION Peter Wilkins
I hope it's a five-star hotel
With personal service as well;
But knowing my luck,
In the sticks I'll be stuck
In some dingy and seedy motel.
33862 JOBS - PROFESSION Peter Wilkins
This working from home is no fun,
When outside there is glorious sun.
So I'm getting a tan,
Thinking hard as I can
Of excuses to leave work undone.
33863 JOBS - PROFESSION Peter Wilkins
I guess it's now time for a beer;
I've a six-pack of Budweiser here.
(Wanders in...opens fridge,
Picks up can...what's that squidge?
Something cold and left-over, I fear.)
33864 JOBS - PROFESSION Peter Wilkins
An architect scaled his designs,
Was arrested and paid some stiff fines.
His blueprints were damp,
'Bout the size of a stamp,
And smelled of inferior wines.
33865 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Millie Blonder
"Why not build a church?" you inquire.
An architect can't be a liar:
The reason I sow
Little homes in a row
Is I'd rather align than aspire...
33866 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Laurence Perrine P8503
In Norway, surrounded by pig-
Eons, live three goats, high on a ridge;
A great game they'd learnt,
But happy they weren't.
They needed a fourth one for bridge.
33867 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
This lack, on their hearts, took a toll,
So rousing themselves for a stroll,
Way down from their eyrie,
'Til feeling quite weary,
They came to a bridge, with a troll.
33868 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
Now trolls, kids, despite what you see
In books, are just nice as can be,
Just misunderstood;
And this one's real good
And calls herself Rosa Trolle.
33869 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
But duty means that she must call,
In tones rather loud: "Hey you-all!
That trip-trap vibration
Over my habitation
May cause the whole structure to fall...
33870 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
...Like London's millennium folly."
"Hey Hey," said the goats. "Oh how jolly!"
They thus with indecency
Found the right frequency,
And tramped, Yelling "Troll, get your brolly!"
33871 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
So soon then the bridge lay quite shattered;
The troll, Rosa, cut, bruised, and battered,
While on the far shore
Where they'd ne'er been before,
The goats mocked and giggled and chattered.
33872 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
A farmer comes in his Daihatsu;
"A billy goat! I'm gonna catch you!
I've got a grain mill
And filling the bill,
To drive it, I need strength and that's you.
33873 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
"And nanny, we'll get milk from you;
And baby, I reckon you'll do
To make some kid gloves,
Which my missus loves.
And also a nice tasty stew."
33874 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
And with the demise of the goats,
The troll looks across the great moat.
And gathering her wits
And all of the bits
Of the bridge; she soon builds her a boat.
33875 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
She ferries the people across
That stream at a reasonable cost.
As business expands,
She takes on more hands,
And rakes in the cash as the boss.
33876 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
And soon she is living real fine,
As head of a transport combine.
Owns buses and trains,
Owns trucks, ships, and planes,
And lives in a schloss on the Rhine.
33877 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
The moral? There's plenty to choose;
One: Ferrymen must have their dues.
Two: Building your pile,
Chose substance, not style,
Or your reputation you'll lose.
(in honor of the millennium footbridge shut down 2000)
33878 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Tiddy
A great architectural joss
Who rejoiced in the name of De Swoss
Said, "I'd like to embellish
My buildings with trellish,
And as many jazz colors as poss.
33879 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT F J Osborne (Bibby)
An architect living in Wessex
Constructed some houses in Essex;
His custom built splits,
With his clients, were hits,
But his best were some grand geodesics.
33880 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Cap'n Bean P0900
I hope that dad's job is okay.
I heard, on my way out to play,
He couldn't erect,
But he's an architect.
Poor dad, he'll get it up some day.
33881 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT Pthirus
I hear that this same idiotic
Firm of architects towers erotic
By willing the bankers
For something they hankers:
A building that's gherkin psychotic.
33882 JOBS - PROFESSION - ARCHITECT
A young man who lived in Home Hale,
Went to Acle one day for the sale.
He waved to his mate,
And discovered too late,
He had purchased five acres of kale.
33883 JOBS - SALES Ida Thurtle
There is simply is no way of hiding,
From groups that deserve a good chiding.
They're the ones we know well,
They're trying to sell,
That GOD-DAMNED aluminum siding.
33884 JOBS - SALES Margaret A. Murdock P8301
When the shower is where I'm residing,
With soap and water delighting,
Then of all things,
The telephone rings;
They're selling aluminum siding.
33885 JOBS - SALES Tom Patton P9611
Today's auto dealer we hail.
He gives us back cash on each sale.
A pauper we wot of
Bought Audis, a lot of,
And put his twelve children through Yale.
(wot - to have knowledge of)
33886 JOBS - SALES Jennifer Young P8805
A seller of cars in Duluth
Would first get his man in a booth
By swearing they had
The cars in the ad,
Before he starts bending the truth.
33887 JOBS - SALES Irving Superior P9709
When I took my first job in a store,
Day by day I picked up more and more.
Looking back on my life
With a child and a wife,
Life is good but those days were a bore.
33888 JOBS - SALES Arthur Pattaffy
There once was a woman from Redding,
Who decided to shop for some bedding.
Her reason, "I say
When I hit the hay,
I want something that will not be shedding."
33889 JOBS - SALES Keera A. Fox
There was a car salesman named Neville,
Who felt that he was a young devil.
As his sales figures soared,
They weren't all above board.
He wished he could sell on the level.
33890 JOBS - SALES Arthur Pattaffy
At the Market, the best line for me
Is the one where no check writers be.
In a humorous flash
I asked, "Do you take cash?"
Said the clerk, "Yes, with proper I.D."
33891 JOBS - SALES Loren C Fitzhugh P9811
A couple named Raylene and Waylon,
Were particularly partial to Draylon.
They went to Levine's
To squander their means,
For they had a half-price Draylon sale on.
33892 JOBS - SALES Maxine Stephen
A publishing expert named Vann
Explaining his two-for-one plan,
"By selling half price,
We'll sell more than twice
Our revised Encyclo Britan."
33893 JOBS - SALES Irving Superior P8503
Lost their lease? Read the print that is fine.
For example, consider this sign:
"WE WILL BOARD UP OUR DOOR
TODAY PROMPTLY AT FOUR!
(And then open tomorrow at nine)."
33894 JOBS - SALES William N. Nesbit P9709
A young girl came to live in Vancouver;
A change from her home town of Suva.
She spoke English so well,
A commercial bombshell,
She became a saleslady for Hoover.
33895 JOBS - SALES Arthur Pattaffy
There was a young fellow from Wapping
Who found two live slugs in his shopping.
The girl at the till
Took them both off the bill
And went on to the next without stopping.
33896 JOBS - SALES Michael Palin
Hey, wait, don't be in such a rush,
(I'd better say this with a hush...);
Remember that lad,
He didn't do bad --
The ladies sure loved Fuller's brush.
33897 JOBS - SALES
If you have some cash you would shell,
I have a good mattress to sell;
It outlasted three
Great husbands (dear me!);
They're off it -- but not their sweet smell!
33898 JOBS - SALES
I also have one piece of china
That once was a gift from Aunt Ina;
A vase for fresh flowers
Which she used for hours
To thrust in her lonely vagina.
33899 JOBS - SALES Gertrude Pippin
For your sale, now what can I say?
These days I must give it away.
But when I was younger,
I could rip them asunder.
Thank goodness they liked it that way.
33900 JOBS - SALES
So alas I have nothing to sell,
Unless it is talent, ah well.
That's all gone to pot,
So that is my lot;
I'm done now so please ring the bell.
33901 JOBS - SALES
She's out dear. I'm holding the fort.
Come in, sit you down, have a port.
Then you can be telling
Just what you are selling.
Is it Tupperware? Things of that sort?
33902 JOBS - SALES Tiddy Ogg
Indeed! You don't say? Well I'm blowed!
You say this stuff's all al a mode?
What's VPL? Yes,
Can't be seen 'neath the dress.
I think, dear, it's time that I showed...
33903 JOBS - SALES Tiddy Ogg
...The way to the top of the house,
When this, clearly seen trough my trous-
Ers shows you it's stuff,
It's sure pleased enough
Young fillies, fair ewes, and old cows.
33904 JOBS - SALES Tiddy Ogg
Now don't tell me, please, that you're shocked.
I'm not one to go off half cocked.
If you wear such garm-
Ents, hoping to charm,
It's a damn certain bet, you'll get focked!
33905 JOBS - SALES Tiddy Ogg
A realtor said, "Make no mistake,
Your property's no piece of cake.
It is rottenly sited
In a district that's blighted,
So give it away, for my sake!"
33906 JOBS - SALES X. Rowland Burnham P8512
He purchased a stone manuscript,
Purportedly found in a crypt.
After weeks he had waited
To have it translated,
On rock it was chipped, "You've been gypped!"
33907 JOBS - SALES Lim-R-iddle P8503
There once was an Indian prince,
Sold hot dogs for ninety-nine cents.
His green card in detail
Reads "Marketing - Retail":
It's a Quickee-Mart for his Eminence!
33908 JOBS - SALES S Ross T9801
A travelling salesman called Lloyd
Was known as a man to avoid.
The horrified stares
As he showed off his wares
Was a sight that he clearly enjoyed
33909 JOBS - SALES Michael Palin
A HUCKSTER oft calls on the phone
To refinance my mortgage loan,
Or say, "You're a winner!"
While I'm eating dinner
Or in the bathroom on the throne!
33910 JOBS - SALES Observer
Oh, the slick salesman, the HUCKSTER,
Would have us see an "aw, shuckster"
Whose only object:
To help collect
The biggest bang for the buckster.
33911 JOBS - SALES Daniel Ford
HUCKSTERS call at inopportune times,
I get mad...my blood pressure climbs,
But what I most hate,
And makes me irate,
Is...when I'm composing my rhymes.
33912 JOBS - SALES Observer
On incoming mail, pick your pest.
"Our credit card company's best."
"Our HMO's got..."
"Our burial plot..."
"Donate and your soul will be blest."
33913 JOBS - SALES Irving Superior P9611
I once knew a guy called Ike Freeman,
He was our young mobile ice cream man!
When the girls heard his chimes,
They ran out with their dimes,
To meet their ideal daytime dream man!!
33914 JOBS - SALES Arthur Pattaffy
There was a car dealer named Slickback,
Who sold a big car to young Rickback.
Then from goodness of heart,
A bank loan he did start,
And the bank gave dear Slickback a kickback.
33915 JOBS - SALES Albin Chaplin 3024-2795
On TV, I saw "Honest Jack";
With lying, the guy had a knack.
"It's a low mileage car;
Two percent APR."
And the best lie of all is "cash back."
33916 JOBS - SALES Al Willis P9709
The shopping malls have me in stitches,
With what I call "Holiday Glitches";
There's no separation
In their decoration
Of Christmas trees, turkeys, and witches.
33917 JOBS - SALES Travis Brasell
A modern young lady called Rita,
Buys ribbon and cloth by the meter.
She get bacon and ham
Weighed out by the gram
And orders her milk by the liter.
33918 JOBS - SALES W A Dodd
No more milk. I just had to wait
For the guy. He was two hours late.
Said the milkman with glee,
"'Twas the last house, you see;
I gave to her a special rate."
33919 JOBS - SALES Pilar
A chic chick from Milan, Italy,
Says, "Vat ees all zees talk of debris?
I shop teel I drop --
Ess a million a pop --
At zee Boutique Oleg Cassini."
33920 JOBS - SALES Jim Weaver Collection
The company that I now work for,
Is kicking half of us out the door.
Sales are so sparse,
We're out on our arse,
Unless orders return again once more.
33921 JOBS - SALES Funny Bone
The milkman did not care a bit
When cold spells his milk truck did hit.
Though the bottles did shatter
He said, "It's no matter,
I don't cry over milk that is split."
33922 JOBS - SALES Albin Chaplin 3024-2450
It seems, every day without fail,
Many catalogs come in the mail.
And I order with greed
Things I don't even need,
And I don't even wait for a sale!
33923 JOBS - SALES Cap'n Bean P9812
When those Pepsi folks offered the Harrier,
Getting points wasn't even a barrier.
Now my order is placed
And I'm waiting, in haste,
For the battleship, sub, and the carrier!
(Pepsi joked get enough points for a Harrier)
33924 JOBS - SALES Limerick Man
To his wife, said a salesman named Jack,
"I'll be gone for a month, so I'll pack.
But if I should appear
While I'm gone, be a dear
And please hold me until I get back."
33925 JOBS - SALES Al Chaplin P9408
"Good day, Mr Ogg, my name's Jenny,
From Bowater Zenith. How many
Fine windows, twin-glazed,
Would you like replaced,
And maybe you'll not pay for any?"
33926 JOBS - SALES
"Hi Jenny, you really sound cute,
I reckon you must be a beaut.
Are you sitting nude,
And thinking thoughts lewd,
Of playing a tune on my flute?"
33927 JOBS - SALES
"No sir, but we offer you scores
Of porches and plastic front doors."
"Now Jenny, don't tease;
Come over here, please;
We'll have a fine romp on the floor."
33928 JOBS - SALES
"I'll get a designer to call,
To show the designs of them all..."
"No Jen, just we two,
Can find things to do,
Stripped naked, I'll give you a maul."
33929 JOBS - SALES
"Then sir, how about this wall coat...?"
"Oh get here, and fondle my scrote;
I bet that you're pining
For hot sixty-nining;
My pecker would tickle your throat."
33930 JOBS - SALES
"...Well, maybe I'll come see your prick,
But with me I'll bring my friend Rick.
He'll crush up your nuts,
Stuff your head up your butt,
Since he's built like a shithouse of brick."
33931 JOBS - SALES
The "50% off" amd "lowest price,"
Will thrifty folk often entice,
Who face each tempter
With "caveat emptor,"
And read all the small printing twice.
33932 JOBS - SALES Irving Superior P9709
A hard-working salesman named Dave
Who at work did always behave
Is no more for hire,
And will now retire
From the job to which he's a slave.
33933 JOBS - SALES Dick Hull
Hey folks, don't you think it's a bitch,
When a con-artist comes, tries to stitch
You up? Chuck some tar
Over him and his car,
And say "That's a proper sales pitch."
33934 JOBS - SALES Tiddy Ogg
An insurance salesman named Flint,
Said with a satisfied squint,
"Don't try to collect;
You ought to have checked.
I excluded that clause in small print."
33935 JOBS - SALES Charles Barsotti
A little Girl Scout sold some cookies,
But didn't keep very good bookies.
Folks who promised to pay,
In the night stole away,
And the little girl got treated like crookies.
33936 JOBS - SALES Warrick Elrod
An old man at a church rummage sale
Told his wife, "Common sense must prevail!"
Then the crazy old coot
Bought a seersucker suit,
And six liters of stale ginger ale.
33937 JOBS - SALES Observer TP9901
In protest, I raise this small poster:
The Market's a mad roller-coaster;
Though the prices go higher,
Some stocks find a buyer--
The Board just won't act like it's sposter.
33938 JOBS - SALES Norm Storer
There's tales told from Hove to Hoboken,
And usually by sailors they're spoken,
Of man leaving lover,
Much cash to discover,
And leaving some old broken token.
33939 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
For those who have not heard the phrase:
Some item is split 'fore he strays;
One half's in her locket,
The rest in his pocket,
As sign they'll meet in future days.
33940 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
Young Charlie has boots way too tight.
And just before sailing that night,
Those boots he will drop
At the cobbler's shop.
Sees the daughter...It's love at first sight.
33941 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
She smiles at him; says "Yes, that's fine."
Gets him ticket 609,
And gives him one part.
With trembling heart,
He says, "Well I'm off up the Rhine...
I
33942 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
"...I'm sure that it won't take a week.
And when I return I shall seek
To come to the door
Of this excellent store.
For while I'm away, 'twill be bleak."
33943 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
The ship it got lost in the fog.
The helmsman gets drunk on his grog.
They land in Batavia,
Sudan and Australia,
And then through the Doldrums they slog.
33944 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
The voyage it goes on ten year;
And though all his shipmates do jeer,
Our Charlie won't sport
With the tarts in each port.
His love is so pure and sincere.
33945 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
At last, home! With nerves all a-blaze,
To the shop, on her face he doth gaze.
He gives her the stub,
She sniffs, "Hang on, bub,
Don't push. Give us fourteen more days."
33946 JOBS - SALES Tiddy
A call from telemerchandise,
I answer "You have a surprise.
I'm a 900 number.
Let your lust disencumber;
I'm Bull-Stud, let's phantasize."
33947 JOBS - SALES Jim Jambor P9105
For all of its whistles and bells,
Most modern technology smells.
The creed, "Do it fast
E're the market is past;
Barely saleable quality sells!"
33948 JOBS - SALES John Miller 0032
A salesman out on Route 64
Finds a farmhouse, and knocks on the door:
"I've a bit of a plight,
Need a room for the night."
Now stop me is you've heard this before.
33949 JOBS - SALES Tom Accousti
The farmer, from good country folk,
Thought a moment or two 'fore he spoke.
"Sure, you could share a bed
With my teenage boy, Fred."
"Your son? Damn, I'm in the wrong joke!"
33950 JOBS - SALES Tom Accousti
A door-to-door salesgirl called Tina
Tried to sell all her clients a cleaner.
As the front doors she pounded,
Rejections abounded.
She gave up as her waistline grew leaner.
33951 JOBS - SALES Arthur Pattaffy
The vending machines trapped Miss Beth,
And left her devoid of all breath.
She bought coffee and cokes,
And parking and smokes;
They nickled and dimed her to death.
33952 JOBS - SALES Albin Chaplin 3024-2445
The warning is clear: Do not chaffer
When paying for shelter much safer.
At the front you will save;
At the end you will rave:
"You always get crap that you pay fer!"
33953 JOBS - SALES
I called up my service provider
And said, "Wish my bandwidth was wider."
A rep, Martha Mabel,
Then hooked up my cable --
My bandwidth got wider inside 'er!
33954 JOBS - SALES Gearhart
Fair Julia, who sold Christmas candy,
Said to Scrooge "Try my sweetmeats - they're dandy"
"Bah Humbug!", he snorted,
To which our heroine retorted,
"No bars, only drops - they're more handy!"
33955 JOBS - SALES Jim Weaver Collection
I'll be giving my thanks with cheer,
For plenty of good wine and beer,
And food that I'll share,
And my tits I'll bare,
If you'll give me a job next year.
33956 JOBS - SEARCHING Carol
But why wait till next year my dear?
You've always a job waiting here
Just hop on a bus
And your pay we'll discuss
As your stuff buffs the length of my gear!
33957 JOBS - SEARCHING
Your hired if a horse you can break,
And dredge out the slime from the lake,
And run a barbed wire,
And build a huge fire,
And if my 12 inches you'll take!
33958 JOBS - SEARCHING
That's me, I fell into your lake,
While dredging the slime and the slake,
Hoping to get work,
As a new ranch clerk,
Now where's that horse I'm s'pose to break?
33959 JOBS - SEARCHING
A thousand dear pardons, me begs,
For leaving you dredging the dregs;
And, "Where is that horse?"
You know where, of course,
It's here -- right betwixt my old legs.
33960 JOBS - SEARCHING
As the economy takes some dips,
The NASDAQ starts doing flop flips,
Making truck sales slump,
So I need a jump;
I'm looking for job hunting tips.
33961 JOBS - SEARCHING Carol
Well, do like an old friend of mine;
She's out every morning by nine.
And on her two feet,
She takes to the street,
With "I'll work for food" on her sign.
33962 JOBS - SEARCHING Travis Brasell
The victim of job elimination?
Go south, girl, and end the frustration
Of men, with the broads
That hang out at Maudes,
But guard against insemination.
33963 JOBS - SEARCHING Tiddy Ogg
The jobs on my ranch, as most know,
Require all the girls to stoop low,
And build an erection
Without much direction,
With job skills like 'hand' or a 'blow.'
33964 JOBS - SEARCHING Travis Brasell
Cowpox we now have and cowflies,
And pasturelands full of cowpies.
But I've just one regret;
That Carol ain't yet
A cowgirl who'll spread her cowthighs.
33965 JOBS - SEARCHING Travis Brasell
I know you ain't saying my thighs,
Are as big as a cow's in size.
So hon, if I straddle
Your fine leather saddle,
Will it help me to get a nice rise?
33966 JOBS - SEARCHING Travis Brasell
Forget the damn saddle -- ride bareback!
And hold on to the mane and then rareback.
To raise on the rise
By squeezing your thighs
And pulling your short, curly hair back.
33967 JOBS - SEARCHING Travis Brasell
I'm sorry to hear of her plight;
We ought to go visit and smite
Her boss on the head,
Though Carol has said,
It's stuck up his ass, out of sight!
33968 JOBS - SEARCHING Tiddy Ogg
That's exactly right where his brains are;
Stuck up his ass very far.
His whole head is brown;
He will shut us down;
Runs the company like he's the czar.
33969 JOBS - SEARCHING Carol
Like some skinflint scroogie mean beast,
He canceled our Thanksgiving feast.
And no Christmas party.
He stabbed us in the heart, he
Said the company's Santa's deceased.
33970 JOBS - SEARCHING Carol
That damned SOB boss of yours
Sounds as if his boat's short a few oars.
When they gave out brains,
He missed all the trains,
To the place where they gave them, of course.
33971 JOBS - SEARCHING Jon Gearhart
If job-hunting tips you still seek,
And prospects are looking too bleak,
Just hop on a bus
And come and discuss
Positions with me for a week.
33972 JOBS - SEARCHING Jon Gearhart
I was wrong! You're a good caring teacher.
I am such an ungrateful young creature!
Will you teach me 'bout sex
Since the time of T Rex?
Please have mercy on me, your beseecher!
33973 JOBS - TEACHER Ward Hardman
"I now know that it wasn't cool
To call you, dear teacher, a fool.
I'm sorry I said it,
And now I regret it.
So please let me come back to school!"
33974 JOBS - TEACHER Observer
A professor that everyone knows,
In places where nobody goes,
He dreams of a meeting,
No matter how fleeting,
With a real anthology of pros!
33975 JOBS - TEACHERS Sam Pittman
That teacher you saw in the clink,
Was arrested by pundits who think,
"By failing our kids,
You injure their ids.
We're OK, they're OK, but you stink!"
33976 JOBS - TEACHERS Cybergeezer
A major in English is she --
Dotting each 'I'; crossing 'T''s.
Assuming illiteracy
If you're over age three,
I know she will never catch me!
33977 JOBS - TEACHERS Karyn Robbins
The headmaster said, "Boy, you're lazy.
You have no more cares than a daisy.
By use of your power,
You could be a sunflower."
That's right, the old duffer was crazy.
33978 JOBS - TEACHERS Tiddy Ogg
The unruly class all fell mute
While meeting the new substitute.
Except I was bold
When I stood and told
The class that I thought she was cute.
33979 JOBS - TEACHERS Frank TP9807
Quite quickly, my ear she had caught.
No matter how hard I had fought,
She pulled me from the room.
But all wasn't gloom,
'Twas sex education she taught.
33980 JOBS - TEACHERS Frank TP9807
My teachers, all born with a pair
Of eyes in the rear, 'neath their hair,
Could identify havoc
Whene'er I'd run amok.
It used to seem very unfair.
33981 JOBS - TEACHERS
There was a young teacher confessed,
That she might, just the once, have caressed
Or perhaps made a pass,
At a lad in her class;
She gave marks out of ten to the rest.
33982 JOBS - TEACHERS Richard Long
If you want to learn how, join a class.
To cook, speak, or potter in brass.
An apple for teacher
May help you to reach her.
If you're lucky, you might rate a pass!
33983 JOBS - TEACHERS Arthur Pattaffy
Once when a teacher named Leach,
Tried good grammar her students to teach,
She said, "Quick as a wink,
I can tell what you think,
For your thoughts are betrayed by your speech."
33984 JOBS - TEACHERS Don Monson
There was a young infant called Jules,
Who decided to break all life's rules.
When told "That's not done,"
He said "He wanted fun,
Whatever they taught him in schools!"
33985 JOBS - TEACHERS Arthur Pattaffy
I remember a teacher named Peel,
Who looked very much like a seal.
But her heart was pure gold --
That's what I was told...
So I sold her and made a good deal!
33986 JOBS - TEACHERS Sandra Ziegler P9803
A teacher who taught in Darjeeling
Was totally lacking in feeling.
She would smack little boys
When they made too much noise
And send them all home loudly squealing.
33987 JOBS - TEACHERS Peter Hodge
How gross an effrontry I made.
The real fool was something I played.
I must be off-center,
Insulting my mentor.
I hope that it won't hurt my grade.
33988 JOBS - TEACHERS Richard Hurwitz
I just got the name of a teacher,
It's difficult, though, now to reach 'er;
She's quite in demand,
As I understand,
Because she's a lovely, young creature!
33989 JOBS - TEACHERS
I felt a certain alarm
When I first became a schoolmarm.
In front of the class
Just like a jackass,
I somehow felt I lacked charm.
33990 JOBS - TEACHERS Baxter Sperry P0111
To his teacher a student once said,
"Sir I think you are out of your head.
What a fool you must be
If you criticize me!
I should be teaching English instead.
33991 JOBS - TEACHERS Ellsworth Barnard P9802
"I perceive," was the ready reply,
"There's a Biblical beam in your eye.
You had best pluck it out,
Or without any doubt,
In this course you will never get by.
33992 JOBS - TEACHERS Ellsworth Barnard P9802
"It occurs to me, though, thinking twice,
That you're just trying not to be 'nice'.
And if such is your aim,
You're not too much to blame,
Although insults more mild would suffice.
33993 JOBS - TEACHERS Ellsworth Barnard P9802
"Or it may be that psychoanalysis
Would display me entangled in fallacies.
That through passions repressed
And desires unconfessed,
Your politeness has suffered paralysis.
33994 JOBS - TEACHERS Ellsworth Barnard P9802
"At any rate, hark to a fable,
And interpret it if you are able,
Of the dinosaur bold
Who existed of old
And had manners like Cain's toward Abel.
33995 JOBS - TEACHERS Ellsworth Barnard P9802
"All the rest of the creatures would flee 'em;
'Twas a fearsome experience to see 'em.
But his brain was unused,
And to learn he refused,
And his bones now are in a museum."
33996 JOBS - TEACHERS Ellsworth Barnard P9802
How many times must I tell you?
How difficult it is to sell you.
Education is grand
Anywhere in the land.
The one that it helps is, well, YOU!
33997 JOBS - TEACHERS Old Gal
One time my Lit teacher, Ms. Mello,
Was wearing a tight blouse of yellow.
I could see her nips,
Bulging like pinky tips,
So I asked for help with my Longfellow.
33998 JOBS - TEACHERS Jon Gearhart
Said the pretty young teacher in Meacham,
"Young students -- it's so hard to reach 'em.
The girls primp their hair
Like they really don't care,
But the boys don't forget what I teach 'em."
33999 JOBS - TEACHERS John E Mayhood P9805
A teacher of music, Miss Blatt
Gives good lessons although she is fat.
With patience and prudence
She sit on her students --
If they don't C# they'll B flat.
34000 JOBS - TEACHERS Irving Superior P8811
A young student who went to night classes,
Found that he didn't even rate passes.
When he paid his next fee,
He said "I don't see."
His lecturer said, "Try wearing glasses."
34001 JOBS - TEACHERS Arthur Pattaffy
A bevy of beautiful teachers
Astonished the crowd with some features.
Then the cheerleader died
While getting pie-eyed.
Not a dry handkerchief in the bleachers.
34002 JOBS - TEACHERS Andy Sorenson P9009
At an exam an invigilator
Was asked, "Please Miss, what's the equator?"
She replied "I don't know."
The kids told her to go;
She went straight to her defibrillator!
34003 JOBS - TEACHERS Arthur Pattaffy
When he snuck up and sprayed her with paint
Johnny's teacher had little complaint:
"Though hardly too gallant
Little Johnny shows talent
And the choice of his canvas is quaint."
34004 JOBS - TEACHERS
I've opened the door twice today;
Gone out, heard the children at play.
An uplifting sound,
Wind-borne from the grounds
Of the school that's a half-mile away.
34005 JOBS - TEACHERS
So come sir, we'll go a bit closer;
No, not the girls' changing room, no sir!
Watch Sally and Claire,
A mischievous pair,
With Kevin, who's quite a young poser.
34006 JOBS - TEACHERS
Well, really he's just a young wanker;
He's pullled out his youthful palankrt,
Now look, Sally's kissed it;
Watch Claire pull and twist it.
He's come and he won't even thank her!
34007 JOBS - TEACHERS
And over there - Thomas and George,
With marbles, a new game they forge;
Veronica's lied
With legs open wide,
And the marbles they aim at her gorge.
34008 JOBS - TEACHERS
And here is the teacher Fred B.,
He loves taking girls for PE.
He'll stroke each young bottom,
Through shorts of thin cotton,
And gets them to fondle his tree.
34009 JOBS - TEACHERS
And outside the gate is old Scraggs,
Who sells the kids pot and cheap fags,
And offers to each,
All those things they can't reach,
From the newsagent's top-shelf porn mags.
34010 JOBS - TEACHERS
And currently, he's a top seller,
A mag showing pics of Miss Stella,
The history teacher,
With Arnold the preacher,
And dogs, having fun in a cellar.
34011 JOBS - TEACHERS
So really, an average day,
There's really no more I can say.
We make our own fun.
When all's said and done.
A boring old time down our way.
34012 JOBS - TEACHERS
My teacher in Primary one,
Had breath like an old badgers bum;
Her teeth were all yellow,
And Mrs Goodfellow
Was no singer, but she could sure hum!
34013 JOBS - TEACHERS
Abby loves dearly to teach;
She'd rather teach than to preach.
Assumes her teaching pose,
Glasses far down on her nose,
The conclusion we reach, she's a peach!
34014 JOBS - TEACHERS Thomas Ratliff P0304
Said the middle-school teacher Miss Kemper
To her students: "Who shouted, 'Sic semper
Tyrannis in ludo?'
Then ran through class nude-o?
He'll soon have me losing my temper!"
34015 JOBS - TEACHERS Vassar Smith P9712
An advanced electronic computer
Was hired by a girl as a tutor.
Her previous tries
Had been college-trained guys,
But for work, she required something neuter.
34016 JOBS - TEACHERS Isaac Asimov
A teacher of boys in Dundee
Has no classroom disruptions. You see
He's found the corrective
That's proved most effective;
S-p-a-n-k-i-n-g!
34017 JOBS - TEACHERS Vassar W. Smith P9305
A tack that weighs less than an ounce
Makes a teacher most readily bounce
From his dignified chair,
Seize a boy by the hair
And give his a terrible trounce.
34018 JOBS - TEACHERS Jim Weaver Collection
A lewd latin teacher named Marts
Knew how to impress female hearts;
He taught the girls verbs,
Explained nouns like "urbs,"
And showed them his principal parts.
34019 JOBS - TEACHERS Armand E Singer 780
My young schoolteacher's all about joy;
What a tutor for this horny boy!
In the cloakroom, my fuse
Sure gets lit; we abuse
My erect educational toy!
34020 JOBS - TEACHERS
Now some may show their dismay
At my rather pornographic display;
I learned from a teach
The freedom of speech,
And frankly, that's all I can say.
34021 JOBS - TEACHERS
Mrs. Browning went to the zoo;
Her class went with her too.
They stayed there for ages,
Locked up in cages--
Come see the exhibit; it's new!
34022 JOBS - TEACHERS Michelle
There was a young teacher of Breaulieu
Whose pupils were wild and unruly.
"Be silent!" he mewed,
"You are terribly rude
And are causing a riot unduly!"
34023 JOBS - TEACHERS
A teacher of English from Surrey,
Whom nothing could fluster or worry,
Recited conjunctions
At dinners and functions,
Which made people leave in a hurry.
34024 JOBS - TEACHERS
I hate to get up every day.
I'd much rather stay home and play,
Than go to that school
And teach some darn fool.
But what keeps me going? -- The pay.
34025 JOBS - TEACHERS Julia Strawn P8808
There was an old teacher, Miss May,
Whose brain had begun to give way.
Pupils' names she forgot,
But that bothered her not,
For she simply addressed them as "Hey!"
34026 JOBS - TEACHERS
One thing can be stated as fact:
More teachers have now been attacked
Than ever before.
Still it is poor
To call the whole thing, a class act.
34027 JOBS - TEACHERS Macsam
A teacher whose name was Haldane
Thought his class was a terrible pain.
He ranted and raved,
But they jumped, stamped and waved
And drove him completely insane.
34028 JOBS - TEACHERS
There once was a lama from Asia
Whose students said, "Nothing dismasia.
You seem quite at home
In Stutgart or Rome
With effortless paranomasia."
34029 JOBS - TEACHERS The See Saw P8912
A pretty young teacher named Beecham,
Said, "These awful boys! How shall I teach 'em.
I try to look grave,
But they will not behave,
Though with tears in my eyes, I beseech 'em."
34030 JOBS - TEACHERS
There once was a fine music teacher,
With one undistinguishing feature.
Whether young or old,
All her students were told,
They were good, and all did believe her.
34031 JOBS - TEACHERS Larry Dahl
I suppose you could call me a teacher,
That misunderstood, underpaid creature;
This profession's a bummer,
But you're free in the summer --
That's the job's most enjoyable feature.
34032 JOBS - TEACHERS Robin K. Willoughby P8503
Our schoolmadam's feelings were tender.
Some topics of talk would offend her.
If we talked about sex,
She'd be down on our necks,
Yet she constantly talked about gender.
34033 JOBS - TEACHERS Laurence Perrine P8802
At school on my French teacher's chair
I once placed a small thumb-tack, aware
He would sit. When he did,
He fair blew his lid,
Shouting, "Zut! Venez ici, Pierre."
34034 JOBS - TEACHERS
There's a teacher from old Monterey
Who can lecture all night and all day
On topics diverse.
And what is much worse,
He really has nothing to say!
34035 JOBS - TEACHERS Lynn Mostafa
A young English teacher of note
Wore a new hole in his coat
At the elbow, it seems,
Grading poor English themes.
How awful them kids must of wrote.!
34036 JOBS - TEACHERS Yarg TP9802
To the barber I went for a haircut,
I told him I wanted a fair-cut.
I woke from a snooze,
Jumped out of my shoes
When I saw I was shorn to a bare cut!
34037 JOBS - UNIONS Arthur Pattaffy
There was an old barber from Hythe,
Who shaved stubbly chins with a scythe.
He said, "It comes cheaper
Than using a reaper,
Though it does make the customers writhe."
34038 JOBS - UNIONS
A barber in old Galipoli,
Who shaved only heads of the holy,
Grew tires of sconces,
And Latin responses,
And switched to maternities solely.
(sconces - flat candlesticks)
34039 JOBS - UNIONS
There once was a barber of Kew,
Who went very mad at the zoo;
He tried to enamel
The face of the camel,
And gave the brown bear a shampoo.
34040 JOBS - UNIONS Cosmo Monkhouse
A lion emerged from his lair
For a short summer cut to his hair.
But the barber he wept,
While the customers slept,
As they waited their turn in the chair.
34041 JOBS - UNIONS J G Francis
A barber who hailed from Connecticut,
Had a terrible problem in etiquette:
To each patron he coo,
'Why hello there! It's you."
For he'd never remember whose head he cut.
34042 JOBS - UNIONS Stargazer
The ad said his shop was palatial,
His clients found it comfy and spatial,
Just sit in the chair,
Get cream in your hair,
And then next you can have a free facial.
34043 JOBS - UNIONS
There was a fat barber from Spain;
A customer gave him a pain.
He then took a snip
From that customer's lip,
And never was bothered again.
34044 JOBS - UNIONS Ray Gessler
A barber by the name of Jim
Was prone to act upon a whim.
He nicked his ears
With the garden shears,
Giving himself quite a trim.
34045 JOBS - UNIONS Silvan Jones P0209
I always scrunch down in my chair
When a barber called "Bob" cuts my hair.
But with tits in the offing
And fake elbow-boffing,
I perk up with Joyce, Fay, or Claire.
34046 JOBS - UNIONS Tutta Gioia
U.S. workers sometimes are "downsized,"
Meaning "sacked" euphemistically disguised.
U.K. employees
Suffer "redundancies";
Irish workers, it seems, are "pint-sized."
(Guinness severance includes daily two pints for 10 years)
34047 JOBS - UNIONS Dr Limerick
A bricklayer, his jowl in a scowl,
Wore as work clothes, a towel with a cowl.
Fellow workers were miffed,
Even on the first shift,
When he'd howl, "This is my night to trowel!"
34048 JOBS - UNIONS Loren C. Fitzhugh
There was a young man from Oporta,
Who daily got shorter and shorter.
The reason, he said,
Was the hod on his head,
Which was filled with the heaviest mortar.
34049 JOBS - UNIONS Lewis Carrol
The wife of a young man named Forrer
Implored him to be an outpourer.
He was forced to confess
He was just a drill press,
And she tried to make him a jig-borer.
34050 JOBS - UNIONS Albin Chaplin
When a charged electrician named Doug,
Had trouble inserting his plug,
He'd shove it and jerk it,
And cause a short circuit,
And the juice would make marks on the rug.
34051 JOBS - UNIONS Pierce Evans
The food of the chef, they'd reject it.
The maggots and flies did suspect it.
There was no garbage man
From New York to Milan
Who would lower himself to collect it.
34052 JOBS - UNIONS Albin Chaplin
A midwife, while poking around
The depths of a patient's wide mound,
Was caught by surprise
When she saw beady eyes;
And that's how Jimmy Hoffa was found.
34053 JOBS - UNIONS Jon Gearhart
We're still singing in praise of Joe Hill
For his memory stays with us still.
But if Joe didn't die,
We are wondering why
The members still pay for his bill.
34054 JOBS - UNIONS Neal Wilgus P8608
It shouldn't cause any surprise
That newspaper strikes are not wise;
For the people soon dread
If they are not misled,
And they seek other sources for lies.
34055 JOBS - UNIONS Albin Chaplin 3024 P8608
McGahey and Daly will soon
Be checking for mines on the moon.
If there's men at the face,
Oot there in space,
They'll have them on strike before June.
34056 JOBS - UNIONS R F Oglivy
I once met this little green man,
By the name of Eddie McMahon.
A bridge painter was he.
Spraying paint, don't you see,
He got more on himself than the span.
34057 JOBS - UNIONS Anonymous
The old printer knocked out his pipe,
And the ink off his hands, did then wipe.
"You're not my elite,
More gothic than pic-
aresque. Dear you just ain't my type."
34058 JOBS - UNIONS Jim Weaver Collection
A printer (commercial) named Norm
Wouldn't follow the rules or conform.
He said, "I must confess
I love my printing press."
Then proceeded to start up a form.
34059 JOBS - UNIONS Tom Patton P0206
There was a Trade Union Leader
Too ready to be a conceder.
When asked, "Shall we strike?"
He said, "Do as you like."
So they sacked the incompetent bleeder.
34060 JOBS - UNIONS John Dole P9604
There was a young workman whose creed
Was wholly untainted by greed; (painfully tainted)
More work for more pay (Less work for more pay)
He considered fair play, (The trade unionist way.)
But nobody followed his lead.
(As shop steward, he's bound to succeed.)
34061 JOBS - UNIONS Punch (Arthur Deex) P9104
The long term UAW plan
Of great benefits for each man,
Has had the direct
And lasting effect
Of moving Detroit to Japan.
(UAW - United Auto Workers)
34062 JOBS - UNIONS A. N. Wilkins P8608
"What's that odor and what is that stink?"
Asked the labor and management link.
He could tell by the smell
It was Q.W.L. --
"It's a threat to my business, I think."
(what is Q.W.L? - McW)
34063 JOBS - UNIONS Neal Wilgus P8608
Though tycoons think the union a weed,
For the working man it fills a need.
It wouldn't have flourished
If it hadn't been nourished
From the start by the businessman's greed.
34064 JOBS - UNIONS A. N. Wilkins P8608
The union will struggle all night
As it seeks to get everything right.
But read the contract
And you'll find that it lacked
Any hint of some depth, breadth, or height.
34065 JOBS - UNIONS Neal Wilgus P8608
I've wondered sometimes, haven't you?
What the union'd be likely to do
If it made it's big pay-off
To obtain the no layoff --
Then got busted by old you-know-who.
(Ronald Reagan strikes again)
34066 JOBS - UNIONS Neal Wilgus P8608
We love our great union, oh yes --
Although sometimes it may be a mess.
We have meetings, pay dues,
We get drunk on the booze.
We might even work -- more or less.
34067 JOBS - UNIONS Neal Wilgus P8608
Our union is quite full of zest
As it goes about feathering its nest.
It gets great benefits
From the picking of nits
With our goddamned employer -- the pest!
34068 JOBS - UNIONS Neal Wilgus P8608
Remember the day in Union town
When labor its greatest genius found.
A "walk-out" was planned;
Then up rose his hand,
"United we stand; let's sit down."
34069 JOBS - UNIONS Irving Superior P8608
In our modern industrial phase,
The concept which labor conveys
Is that if in one day
One man makes so much hay,
It ought to take two men two days.
34070 JOBS - UNIONS A. N. Wilkins P8608
There once was a fellow named Wayne
Who was planning an office campaign.
"We're working like fools!
We must make some rules!
United we'll stand and complain!"
34071 JOBS - UNIONS Bob Leclerc
But his boss was a Psychic old "B";
He could sense there was trouble, you see.
So he threw the first punch
And he nailed the whole bunch.
Now they're working more hours for free.
34072 JOBS - UNIONS Bob Leclerc
The retired Navy plumber, Armstead,
Charged exorbitant prices, it's said.
"Not an arm and a leg,"
Many clients would beg.
His fee? One leg, two arms for each head!
34073 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Loren Fitzhugh P0306
A plumber called the householder's friend
Would send the householder 'round the bend.
When fitting a new pipe,
His language was too ripe,
He tried, when at work, not to offend!
34074 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Arthur Pattaffy
After Plumbers School, loyal alum, Roan,
Dreamed a dream he could not leave alone.
So he right then and there,
Endowed the school a chair.
Truth be told, it was more like a throne.
34075 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Loren Fitzhugh P0302
Young "Ladies of Various Stripes",
Will certainly never have gripes,
If given the number
Of a local plumber,
Who'll willingly ream out their pipes.
34076 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS
A plumber by name Jimmy Riddle,
Was often called out in the middle
Of matins for plumbing
And tongueing and thumbing
The Nuns of Perpetual Diddle.
34077 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Peter Wilkins
On Sundays, that some Jimmy Riddle
'Neath cisterns and u-bends would fiddle
With wrenches and screws,
Mending leaks in the loos
Of the Nuns of Perpetual Piddle.
34078 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Peter Wilkins
A lively young lady named Kate
Said, "The leak in the bath, it can't wait".
Came the plumber next minute
While she was still in it;
Now she's a cute plumber's mate.
34079 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Arthur Askey
The plumber, a man I admired,
Lamented, "Oh why was I hired?
Fixing faucets and such
Keeps me working too much.
You know, I am really plumb tired!"
34080 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS John Dohner P8711
A good journeyman, my plumber, Mr. Bauer,
Fixes leaks but oft leaves me sour.
'Cause he makes me pay
For his whole day,
Even though he's just here for an hour.
34081 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Norm Brust
I just met this tap-dancing plumber
And I've never met anyone dumber.
While he worked, he would dance,
Leaving open to chance
That his work would turn out a bummer.
34082 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Yarg TP9802
I just met this tap-dancing plumber
Who'd been bumped on the head in the summer.
He said, "The concussion
Was the sole repercussion,
But the lump sure was a dinghummer!"
34083 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS H Myers T9801
A plumber while holding his pipe,
Thought sexology nothing but hype.
Then along came a whore
With a bastard sized bore,
He would fit -- but she wasn't his type.
34084 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Professor
A jack-of-all-trades, in Saint Peter,
Hooked the main water line to a meter.
But alack and alas!
The meter was gas,
And the water came out of the heater.
34085 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Limber Limericks P9701
Good journeymen, I'd like to say,
Are worth every bit of their pay;
And some even double.
Except that the trouble
Is few can be found here today.
34086 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Chris Papa
In the bathroom, the wife let a squeal;
"Here's a problem devoid of appeal;
On the floor's a wet spot;
This damn gasket is shot!
Call the plumber, to fix the loo's seal!"
34087 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS
The plumber next door is named Jack.
When bent over, he shows hairy crack.
He did a few tricks,
And my toilet was fixed.
I just hope that he never comes back!
34088 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS
There was an old plumber of Hocking,
Who took off a young lady's stocking.
Then he raised up her dress
And he said, "I confess
That your cunt is in need of some caulking." (cocking?)
34089 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Albin Chaplin 3024-2979
A toilet plumber from Peru
For a laugh, renamed himself "Lou".
But in the end
He went 'round the bend,
'Cause nobody thought it was true.
34090 JOBS - UNIONS - PLUMBERS Anon
My new 'temp-assistant,' Miss Mertz,
Wears nothing beneath her tight skirts;
Each morning she dashes
In late and then flashes
Her cunt into which she inserts...
34091 JOBS - ZGENERAL
A dildo that's made from a stick
Of peppermint she's made me lick;
Then she'll sit and type
Without any gripe
For hours while she sucks on my dick.
34092 JOBS - ZGENERAL
There was a young drop-out named Dirk,
Who hated the thought of hard work.
If someone said that word
He'd skip like a bird;
It was as if he had gone quite berserk.
34093 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
The Powells were losing their mind.
They needed a way to unwind.
They went on vacation
And had much libation,
But now it's just back to the grind.
34094 JOBS - ZGENERAL H Whelchel
This work ethic we have is crazy;
Why not blow in the breeze like a daisy.
No ambition? Stay loose,
For it is an excuse
For not having sense to be lazy!
34095 JOBS - ZGENERAL H Myers TP9804
Professions prepared for in school
Equip one for life, as a rule.
Whoever thinks college
Encompassed all knowledge,
Will blunder through life like a fool.
34096 JOBS - ZGENERAL R. J. Winkler P8503
Despite all the purse-strings it plucks,
Most modern technology sucks.
The creed's "Do It Fast!
Ere the market is past;
And we lose our big chance at big bucks."
34097 JOBS - ZGENERAL Zola
Whenever I hear the word "Works"
Ergasiophobia lurks;
Without any job
I ain't got a bob -
I miss out on all the good perks!
34098 JOBS - ZGENERAL
A carpet installer name Bynna
Has dreams that cause him angina.
His worst dream of all --
In one day install
Berlin to the Great Wall of China.
34099 JOBS - ZGENERAL Irving Superior P8503
A word to the wise is sufficient,
If you'd become rich and proficient.
You'd choose your vocation
With deliberation
And see that your work is efficient.
34100 JOBS - ZGENERAL Coded Limericks P8403
There was a young man from Bangkok,
At his work always stared at the clock.
Each day, dead on four,
He'd race all for the door.
If he lost, they would all be in shock!
34101 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
The comedian lives under a strain
As the audience reacts with great pain.
If he has a good style
Half his jokes get a smile,
And the rest he is forced to explain.
34102 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin
A comedian fellow named Downing
Spent his life being onstage and clowning.
After blowing one-nighters,
He called to his writers:
"Throw me a line, guys--I'm drowning!"
34103 JOBS - ZGENERAL Writerman
There was a house builder from Choorley,
Whose motto was slowly but surely!
As he built an estate,
The owners would not wait.
They left him. The builder's now poorly.
34104 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
I've been delivering the Yellow Pages
And some roads seem to take fucking ages.
When I knock on the door,
And they choose to ignore,
Makes me come down with deliverers rages!
34105 JOBS - ZGENERAL
A doctor of orthopedium
Thought life with one wife, one of tedium.
They decided to part
When he discovered art,
To be a new happy medium.
34106 JOBS - ZGENERAL Macsam
The comments on work are quite true --
Here's another that I'll share with you:
I cannot, I confess,
Enjoy idling unless
I have plenty of work still to do.
34107 JOBS - ZGENERAL Mike Dale
Jeffery Archer, a self-indulged slob,
Spent far too much time on the job.
To avoid an enquiry,
He faked his own diary,
While perpetually dunking his knob.
34108 JOBS - ZGENERAL Tony Burrell
They say work never hurt anyone,
But I say, neither does fun.
So, if given a choice,
I'll raise up my voice
In favor of play, ten to one!
34109 JOBS - ZGENERAL Kaylin
While working there's no time, I fear
For limericks. But some blinkin' queer
And bad luck conspired
To get my ass fired,
So now I am goofing off here.
34110 JOBS - ZGENERAL
Bert, the man who's in charge of our bin,
Emptying out what some others put in;
He is always so smart
With his regulation cart;
On his face there is always a grin.
34111 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
There was a young woman from Glasgow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
At 9:30 about,
The lights all went out,
Caused by lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
34112 JOBS - ZGENERAL Young Lady Alice P0104
I've crested the peak of the week;
The view towards the weekend's not bleak.
Down the hump's steep backside
I'll anxiously slide
Towards Friday PM's sweet mystique.
34113 JOBS - ZGENERAL
The item I find that annoys,
Which causes me loss of my poise,
Is to see now and then
A department of men,
Which is run by good scouts -- namely boys.
34114 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2424
Listen-up there's a new handyman,
Who make things amazing and grand.
And if you don't pay,
He'll come back one day,
And grind your face into the sand!
34115 JOBS - ZGENERAL
Work! Did I hear someone mutter,
That four letter word makes me stutter,
It's made me feel ill,
I must take a pill,
My heartbeat is all of a flutter.
34116 JOBS - ZGENERAL
An old cleaner and dyer named Pappy,
Would sing limericks which some folks called crappy.
Every day at his work,
He dyed clothes with a smirk,
While exclaiming, "I'm sure to dye happy."
34117 JOBS - ZGENERAL Al Chaplin P0302
I went to the staff room one day,
For a nice cup of tea during play.
But a troll had got in
And was making a din,
Even though he had nothing to say.
34118 JOBS - ZGENERAL Anon
The office informer is slinky,
With conduct repugnant and stinky.
He will point without shame
To the man who's to blame,
While the snot hangs in strands from his pinkie.
34119 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2796
The eyes of inspector McGore
A downward direction did bore.
Said the boss, "I suspect
That you cannot inspect."
Said McGore, "I'm inspecting the floor."
34120 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2694
There was a young mail clerk called Vic;
In the office he's called Mister Quick.
When coming or going,
His to-ing and fro-ing
Was at speeds that made other clerks sick.
34121 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
He said he's an entrepreneur;
He convinced them he was a real do-er;
But,if the ladies had money,
It always seemed funny,
His main role became that of a woo-er!
34122 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
My wife works hard all day,
Our income is ample, they say.
But all of our bills
Are high as the hills,
And my hair is turning gray.
34123 JOBS - ZGENERAL Al Willis P9508
There is a small army of slobs,
The welfare Jane Does and their Bobs,
Who prefer their role
To stay on the dole
Than dirty their hands at McJobs.
34124 JOBS - ZGENERAL Chris Papa
Those fast-food workers in their McJobs
Sling the hash and spread lots of gobs
Of mayo and mustard
And frozen custard,
In service of fast-feeding mobs.
34125 JOBS - ZGENERAL Daniel Ford
Commuting to London ain't funny
On days like today when it's sunny;
I'd much rather do
Things with Debbie and Sue,
But I need to go earn me some money.
34126 JOBS - ZGENERAL Peter Wilkins
I'm in need of some cash,
So off to work I must dash,
From nine to five
Just to survive,
And stop my life becoming trash.
34127 JOBS - ZGENERAL Funny Bone
The holiday workload was large;
Enough E-mail to sink a large barge.
The lesson from this?
Don't go out to piss,
And don't leave a woman in charge.
34128 JOBS - ZGENERAL
We all know what follows from Sunday:
That back-to-work feeling of Monday.
It's nose to the grind-
Stone and blankness of mind;
How I wish every day was a fun day.
34129 JOBS - ZGENERAL
Fear of work is so bad it can keep
Other people as timid as sheep;
But I tell you right here, I
Have so little fear, I
Can lie down beside it and sleep.
34130 JOBS - ZGENERAL Jim Weaver Collection
I once worked with a young girl, Noelle;
With her lovely red hair, she was swell.
Regarding her dates,
She'd not date with her mates;
The boss too, did not do so well.
34131 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
My office is straight out of Hell.
My secretary's prone to misspell.
The boss--he's a loon
Aided by a buffoon,
And that's it, in a simple nutshell.
34132 JOBS - ZGENERAL Buckaroo
In my office the lights will go nil
By themselves if you're quiet or still.
So my boss thinks I'm working,
My arms I keep jerking.
An unwanted perk! What a thrill!
34133 JOBS - ZGENERAL Slugo
A new secretary, Jane Fisk,
Said, "My system for filing's non-risk.
When I get a pile
Of stuff I must file,
It goes into a folder marked, MISC."
34134 JOBS - ZGENERAL Brandy Brandon P9406
I hate to instill you with sorrow;
Perhaps a Kleenex you'll borrow.
If you haven't heard yet,
Or in case you forget,
I will be on vacation tomorrow.
34135 JOBS - ZGENERAL Jim Weaver Collection
My great-aunt's eaves are untidy,
And right now there's not anybody
That's in a position
To fix this condition.
So, please, may I have off next Friday.
34136 JOBS - ZGENERAL Ryan Waldron
I'm not in the least bit complaining,
But my aunt has said that it was raining
The two days before.
I found out in Ardmore,
So in Huntsville I would up remaining.
34137 JOBS - ZGENERAL Ryan Waldron
I hired a young man who could paint
To freshen my house -- it's quite quaint;
And through a nice trade
The young man was paid,
But his nozzle sprayed white on my taint.
34138 JOBS - ZGENERAL
A Corner Brook citizen said,
As he looked at the clouds overhead,
"In spite of this vapour,
We make pulp and paper,
Without which this couldn't be read."
34139 JOBS - ZGENERAL Alice M. Keys, Ontario20d
The Kitten sho'nuff must be foxy,
The Paperboy, well, he got moxie.
She takes the subscription,
'Cause she like the description
Of what he will stuff in her boxie.
34140 JOBS - ZGENERAL
A slow-moving fellow named Bickly
Appeared to be haggard and sickly.
He at work was not well
Till at five rang the bell,
Then amazingly Bickly moved quickly.
34141 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2447
The two Perrier trucks broken down
Clogged the busiest highway in town.
In the heat, this was certain:
Neither driver was hurtin',
For their thirst they could easily drown!
34142 JOBS - ZGENERAL Limerick Man
A personnel person named Chester,
To every employment requester,
Would give a fine job
On his thing-a-ma-bob.
Wasn't friend Chester a jester?
34143 JOBS - ZGENERAL Limericks Naughty & Gay
Monday, arriving at work
At eight, the phone rings...it's a jerk!
Ignored all last week,
By this shit of a geek,
Who phones back at a time meant to irk.
34144 JOBS - ZGENERAL Acetous
There once was a corpulent slob
Who desperately needed a job.
He ranted and raved,
His fortune was saved,
By exploiting the ignorant mob.
34145 JOBS - ZGENERAL
An avid young novice named Wings
Was eager to learn a few things.
He said he had hopes
If they'd show him the ropes,
But they told him to first pull some strings.
34146 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2838
Young lads, who in college learn things,
Are told that in life they'll be kings.
It is fine to have hopes
When you know all the ropes,
But it's best if you start pulling strings.
34147 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2813
A ball-player, Henry McGee
Retired when he just couldn't see.
He was told, "We will hire
You as an umpire:
You'll make a superb referee."
34148 JOBS - ZGENERAL Anon
I've lived and worked in the East;
I've lived and worked in the West.
Now if you don't mind,
I'd sure like to find
Some laurels upon which to rest.
34149 JOBS - ZGENERAL Monique de Plume TP9804
Sixty five! Retirement? It's time!
Even if one feels at one's prime!
It's now time to rest;
The next years are the best.
To continue to work is a crime!
34150 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
There was a bee-keeper named Sonny,
Who made aa big fortune in honey.
His golden desire,
Was just to retire,
Stay home and count all of his money.
34151 JOBS - ZGENERAL Teen Angel
The project's behind, what a shame!
(You know who the bosses will blame)
Deadlines must be met,
We're overworked, yet,
Our salaries stay just the same.
34152 JOBS - ZGENERAL John Miller 0093
I once knew a butler named Brewster;
Butlers I am not very uster.
He was stealthily quiet;
Could have done with a diet.
I felt that he needed a booster.
34153 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
Fear of work is so bad it can keep
Other people as timid as sheep;
But I tell you right here,
I have so little fear,
I can lie down beside it and sleep.
34154 JOBS - ZGENERAL John Miller
A TV sportscaster liked games;
He mixed with the most famous names.
When back on the air
His manner was rare;
He felt he appealed to the dames.
34155 JOBS - ZGENERAL Arthur Pattaffy
Our Master of Arts was a wreck;
Said "Job hunting's a pain in the neck!
While rhyming is fine,
The job offers I find
Go to fellows who studied hi-tech!"
34156 JOBS - ZGENERAL Robert S. Kast
I never dreamed work I would miss;
I thought three weeks off would be bliss.
Just hanging around
In this old nightgown,
But already I'm tired of this.
34157 JOBS - ZGENERAL Carol
Now sir I can see that you tire,
It's hard work being the town crier.
So come take your ease,
Drink wine, have some cheese,
And rest yourself here by the fire.
34158 JOBS - ZGENERAL
My vacation concluded too fast;
Three weeks in the big city passed.
I saw lots of shows;
The weather? It froze!
But mostly I had a great blast.
34159 JOBS - ZGENERAL Matthew Montchalin
Mechanics are putting on tires
And firemen are putting out fires.
While butchers discreet
Are beating their meat,
Electricians are pulling their wires.
34160 JOBS - ZGENERAL Albin Chaplin 3024-2336
Live large, and have fun is my motto --
Party hard, love long, and get blotto --
Go out with a bang --
Work can go hang --
It's something I never do, 'less I gotto.
34161 JOBS - ZGENERAL Kaylin
You filthy despicable turd!
To use that foul four-letter word!
W O R K!
Just take it away,
That sort of stuff's for the birds.
34162 JOBS - ZGENERAL Jim Weaver Collection
I like to think Saturday's fun day;
It's usually wetter on Sunday,
Which leaves me quite rheumy,
But nowhere as gloomy
As going to work on a Monday.
34163 JOBS - ZGENERAL Peter Wilkins
At the thought of work, my stomach turned --
All my life, it is something I've spurned.
My folks worked for their bread,
And now they're all dead --
There's a lesson there to be learned.
34164 JOBS - ZGENERAL Kaylin
Oh damn bloody bollocks, I'm pissed
Off with working from home. I'll persist
Under sufferance 'cause
The alternative was
To commute (but I think I'll resist).
34165 JOBS - ZGENERAL
Oh Monday looms large again;
I'm having a great time, and then --
It's back to the office
In the metropolis
When will they ban this day, oh when!
34166 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES
But I suppose if Monday was dead
Surely no tears would be shed
We'd be cheering away
To get rid of that day
And we'd all hate Tuesday instead!
34167 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES
Your building key, W-4,
Insurance forms, and just one more --
A form interfering
With right to a hearing,
If unjustly you're kicked out the door.
34168 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Dr Limerick 01-15-02
There was probably no explanation
Beyond sign here and go to work station.
By signing it, you
Have no option to sue,
But instead must accept arbitration.
34169 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Dr Limerick 01-15-02
Though you've signed away your right to sue,
The EEOC, helping you,
Can take it to court
And thereby may thwart
The boss's scheme for a friendly venue.
34170 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Dr Limerick 01-15-02
Though work is a four-letter word,
It still makes some grow wealthy, I've heard.
But it makes paupers cuss
In disgust at the fuss,
That they go to for wages absurd.
34171 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Jon Gearhart
All hail to the four-letter word!
More pleasant ones cannot be heard.
"Love, glee, luck and play,
Keep me happy all day.
At work, they have even occurred.
34172 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Randog
It's great when your work seems like play.
If you love it, you life's A-OK.
With minimal luck,
You'll gleefully fuck
At a company sponsored soiree.
34173 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Randog
So morning has come to the Earth;
To some this means fun, joy, and mirth.
But to some it's no perk;
We must head off to work,
And get screwed there for all that we're worth.
34174 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Gearhart
You must have heard old Vicar Morehouse
Who said, "Heaven sends from its storehouse
The sun for enjoyment
And help with employment
Of working each day in Life's whorehouse!"
34175 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Travis Brasell
Working each day is a bitch;
It certainly won't make me rich.
But serving my time
In the company line,
Is better than life in a ditch!
34176 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Squat
An amazing relief you'll derive,
If you ever see the dead come alive.
Red tape and dust'll
Become hustle and bustle;
It's a government office at five.
34177 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Anon
It's early; it's only just four,
And they're clearing a path to the door.
The nitwits and eggheads
Scatter paper and cobwebs.
"We'll do more tomorrow, I'm sure."
34178 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Bob Watson
A fat acrobat named Louise,
Liked to go on the trapeze.
But a big scary bear
Bit her rump in the air,
And spare parts went flying to Belize.
34179 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Vertech competition
Then a cable looped into a crimp,
And she fell and developed a limp.
So she made a concession,
As a part-time profession,
She would hire herself out as a blimp.
34180 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Vertech competition
Breathing helium, Louise observes
She can fly, so she swoops and she swerves.
Although felling abused,
Being roundly accused
Of depleting strategic reserves.
34181 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Vertech Competition
I sit at work day after day
And time seems to just tick away.
I'm trying my best
Though I've lost my zest
To work for my end-of-month pay.
34182 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Lightbulb
For thirty-four years I was hired
And did just about what's required.
Now I've done my bit
And don't give a shit,
Because I am early retired.
34183 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES SFA
Making photos has long been my trade
(Though my fortune I still haven't made).
While film is OK,
Airbrushing's passe
Since digital has made the grade.
34184 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES ROE
I love Photoshop, for you see,
I can make myself perfect for free!
I can make myself thin,
Lose my double chin,
And make my tits quadruple D!
34185 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES ROE
An overwhelmed fellow named Gaster
Said, "My life is such a disaster.
This world's a rat-race
And it's hard to keep pace,
'Cause the rats all keep getting faster!"
34186 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Observer
Well Gaster, we know how you feel;
You'd better go get a new deal.
Slow down, take your ease,
As through life you breeze;
Jump off of the old hamster wheel.
34187 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Tiddy
If you really can't kick the work scene,
For want of those nice piles of green,
Like me, set your gaze on
A job in liason --
I'm the liaisiest person you've seen.
34188 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Tiddy Ogg
Social Security is for those 62,
Who are tired of the work that they do.
You can work some, I know,
But don't make too much dough.
They'll remove the excess with a screw.
34189 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES S C Saint
You'll tire of just sitting around;
That leads to a burial ground.
So you'll need stimulation;
No, not self-immolation,
But something that keeps you around.
34190 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES S C Saint
You can volunteer for some charities;
The days will go by in a breeze.
And at age 95,
When you're still alive,
You have the SS by weewees.
34191 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES S C Saint
This job is starting to bore;
After lunch I started to snore.
I will pass the time
By writing a rhyme,
But I think that I must practice some more.
34192 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Goofing
At this job I will never get fat;
The boss should go shit in his hat.
I'd feel more at ease
Working at Mickey D's;
All I'd say is "You want fries with that?"
34193 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Goofing
For my new job I don't care a spit,
At the zoo where I'm shoveling shit.
My only relief
Is when I take a brief
Suck on the oragutan's tit...
34194 JOBS - ZGENERAL - ZSERIES Jack