No Nay Never
 I've been a wild rover for many a year,
 And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer.
 But now I'm returning with gold in great store,
And I never will play the wild rover no more.
chorus: And it's no, nay, never,
 No, nay, never no more,
Will I play the wild rover,
 No never, no more.
I went to the alehouse where I used to frequent,
 And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked her for a bottle, she answered me "Nay,
Such a customer as you, I can get any day."
 And out of my pockets I took sovereigns bright,
And the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight.
She said, "I have whiskey and wine of the best,
And the words that I said sure were only in jest."
I'll go back to my parents, confess what I've done,
 And I'll ask them to pardon their prodigal son.
And if they carress me as oft times before,
Then I never will play the wild rover no more.
The Wild Pervert
I've been a wild pervert for many a year
And I've spent all my money on leather and gear.
 And now I'm returning, pursued by the law
And the straps on my G-string are rubbing me raw!
 Chorus: And it's no, nay, never, (right up yer kilt!)
 No, nay, never no more
Will I play the wild pervert,
No never, no more.
I went to a brothel I used to frequent
And I told the landlady me habits were bent.
I asked her for kiddies, she answered me nay,
 Saying "Habits like your could have me put away".
 I took from my pocket a handful of red
To be smoked in a joint, she went out of her head.
She said "We've got kiddies and whips of the best,
If they can't take it all, you can give me the rest!"
I went to a shit house, I used to frequent,
And I told the attendant my money was spent.
I asked for a penny to open the door,
He said "Not fucking likely, you'll shit on the floor!"
 I climbed up a mountain with Marilyn Monroe,
And I laid her down gently upon the white snow.
I asked "Do you mind, if I fill you with cream?",
She said "Do what you like, son, its your fucking dream."
I went to the market with my uncle Jim,
 And somebody threw a tomato at him.
Now tomatoes are soft when they come in their skin,
 But this one it killed him, it came in a tin.
I went to a brothel I used to frequent,
 And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked her for credit, she answered me Nay!",
So I came in her face and said, "Wipe that away!"
 I've been a wild pervert for many a year,
And I've spent all my money on black kinky gear.
 Now I'm returning with porn in great store,
So I never will play the wild pervert no more.
 I'll go to my parents, confess what I've done,
And I'll ask them to pardon their incestuous son.
And if they caress me as oft times before,
 Then I swear that I'll play the wild pervert once more!
You Won't Find Any Country
I've searched the world over, excitement I've sought, 
But all my experience was dearly bought.
 Chorus: So it's no, nay, never,
No nay never no more,
 You won't find any country,
 Where it pays you to score.
To tap a Yank for a good screw, in my belief,
 Is like asking Mrs. Custer to give to Indian relief,
In the last year or two they've not used their tush,
'Cause they're shagged up the arse by a cowboy called Bush.
The Dutch they just sit there, arsehole on bike,
 One finger up nostril and one in a dyke.
And if they feel chilly when these things they perform, 
They put their caps up girls' pussies to keep their heads wa
Now haircuts for Germans are four times the price,
They charge for each corner and go over it twice.
And if you pick up a harlot now don't throw her out,
Though her snatch it smells strongly, they just love sauerkr
The Aussies are known for their intake of beer,
And they've all been to Sidney; now isn't that queer. 
To keep flies off, from their hat corks are hung,
'Cause a zipper is painful if caught on the tongue.
Now haircuts for Germans are four times the price,
They charge for each corner, and go over it twice.
The Dutch they just sit there, arsehole on bike,
 One finger up nostril and one in a dyke.
 But the Kiwis have the answer to get their country on track, Just continue to malinger on the woolly sheep's back.

The closest to sex in Japan is to suck on a mike,
For the girls they will tell you to go take a hike.
So its off to Manila where you can score, there's no doubt,
But every time that you put it in, a baby comes out.
So now stuck here in Hong Kong and you're feeling glum, 
You can go to dolly bars; they'll treat you like scum.
 The Short Cutter
(llewtraH)
I've been a short-cutter for many a year
And I've spent all my money,
Down the Wanch, for the beer.
But now I'm reforming, my name to restore,
 And I never will be the short-cutter,
no more.
Chorus: So it's no nay never,
 No nay never, no more
 Will I be, a short-cutter,
No never, no more.
Well it's off to a Firehouse I'm known to frequent,
 The hookers all know that my money was spent.
 Ask her for credit, she answered me, "Yeah!"
So just like the SouthSide -- I'm on autopay.
When you ask for a screw, in my belief,
 You should tell the good lady you'll put on a sheath. 
But being a short-cutter, I forgot what I say,
And now she tells me, I've got twins on the way.
A short-cut to the Wanch, gave me nothing but strife, 
When I said I'll go sober, to my darling wife.
I short-cut the shower, when I'd been with them whores, 
Wasn't she with Lip-stick in my drawers.
 Now dating a German, is cheap for the price;
They bonk before dinner, and earn it but thrice.
 So you can short-cut the Fraulein -- don't take her out, 
Just let her go hungry while you eat Sauerkraut.
"You must marry the girl, for what you have done,"
Said her dad with a smile -- as he pointed his gun.
 But being a short-cutter,
that wasn't for me;
You don't buy the store when you want some Candy.
 But the times they are nigh for me to repent,
 And watch what I do, and the money I spent.
No more a short-cutter -- "Is it my turn to shout?"
 "Well fuck-off you lot, I was on my way out!"
 The Hard Drinker
(LLEWTRAh)
I've been a hard drinker for many a year,
And I always fall over on ten pints of beer,
So now when I drink, I sit on the floor,
And I never will risk falling over no more.
 Chorus: And it's no, nay, never,
 No, nay, never, no more,
 Will I drink and fall over,
 No never, no more.
I went to a bar that I used to frequent,
Despite having sworn that I'd give up for Lent.
I asked for two pints, but the barman said "Nay!
 You'll only fall over like you did yesterday."
 I'll pulled from my pocket two shiny gold pounds,
And I managed to do it without falling down.
The barman said "Sir, please choose from this list,
 And I'm sorry if I thought you were Brahms and Liszt. [1]
I think that I'll stick now to stiff drinks and shorts, 
Like whiskey and ponche and pernods and ports.
Cut down on the volume of all that I drink,
Then at least when I throw up I won't block the sink.
I'll go back to my girlfriend, confess what I've done, 
 And if she should hit me, I won't turn and run.
I'll promise to give up... but if I should fail...
I'll see you next Thursday for ten pints of ale.
[1]
Brahmns and Liszt = pissed (drunk)
 You Won't Find Any Country
(llewtraH)
I've searched the world over, excitement I've sought, 
But all my experience was dearly bought.
 Chorus: So it's no, nay, never,
No nay never no more,
 You won't find any country,
 Where it pays you to score.
To tap a Yank for a good screw, in my belief,
 Is like asking Mrs. Custer to give to Indian relief,
 In the last year or two they've not used their tush,
'Cause they're shagged up the arse by a cowboy called Bush.
So the options are slim for those left wanton,
And they end up with an in-bred - Hill-Billy Clinton.
The Dutch they just sit there, arsehole on bike,
 One finger up nostril and one in a dyke,
 And if they feel chilly when these things they perform, 
They put their caps up girls' pussies to keep their heads wa
Now haircuts for Germans are four times the price,
They charge for each corner and go over it twice,
 And if you pick up a harlot now don't throw her out,
Though her snatch it smells strongly, they just love sauerkr
The Swiss yodel is to cover their sheeps' anguished calls, 
For their Toblerone pricks make triangular holes.
 The Aussies are known for their intake of beer,
And they've all been in Sidney, now isn't that queer,
To keep flies off from their hat corks are hung,
 'Cause a zipper can be painful if caught on the tongue.
 But the Kiwis have the answer to get their country on track, Just continue to malinger on the woolly sheep's back.
The closest to sex in Japan is to suck on a mike,
For the girls they will tell you to go take a hike.
So its off to Manila where you can score, there's no doubt,
But every time that you put it in, a baby comes out.
 So now stuck here in Hong Kong and you're feeling glum, 
You can go to the dolly bars and they'll treat you like scum
at you put it in, a baby comes out.