Below is the raw OCR for an untitled engineering(?) college songbook. Thanks CA for sending this. If you would like to verify the text, please download the PDF of the scanned pages.
BELL BOTTOM TROUSERS
CHORUS
Singing a bell bottom trousers, coats of Navy blue.
Let him ciisfc the rigging like his daddy used to do*
Now once there was a waitress in the Prince George Hotel,
Her mistress was a lady, and her master was a s*ell*
They knew she was a simple girl, and lately from the farm,
So they watched her carefully, to keep ;her f**om all harm.
CHORUS
The forty^eecond fueeleare came marching into town,
And with*em came a compliment of rapists of Ireknown.
They busted every maidenhead that come within their spell,
But they never made the waitress from the Prince George Hotel.
CHORUS
Next came a company of the Prince of Wales Hussars,
They piled into the whore houses and they packed along the bars,
Many a maiden, mistress, and a wife before them fell,
But they never made the waitress from the Prince George Hotel.
CHORUS
One day there came a sailor, an ordinary bloke,
-A bulging at the toousers with a heart of solid oak,
At sea without a woman for sever years or more,
There wasn!t any need to ask what he was looking for.
CHORUS
Ho arkud her for a candlostick to light his way to bed,
He asked hor x'or a pillow to test his weary £ead,
And £ peaking \ery gently, just as if ho moant no harm,
He asked her if she'd come to ^edi, just eo!s to keep him warm.
CHORUS
She lifted up the blanket, and a moment there did lie,
He was on her, he was in her, in the twinkling of ah eye.
He was out again, and in again, and flowing up a storm.
But the only word she spoke to him: I hope you're keeping warm.
£HORUS
en early in;the morning, the sailor he arose,
Saying: Here's a two pound note, my dear, for the damage I have
caused.
If you have a daughter, bounce her on your knee,
And if you lave a son, send the bastard out to sea.
CHORUS ,
And now she sits aside the dock, a baby on her knee,
Awaiting for the sailing ships, a comin1 home from sea.
Waiting for the joljy tars in Navy uniforms,
And all she wants to do, my boys, is keep the Navy warm.
CHORUS
SEVW OLD LADIES
CHORUS
Oh dear, what can the matter be
Seven old ladies locked in the lavatory
They were there from Monday to Saturday
Nobody knew they were there.
(MORE TO COME)
-2-
m^ axe* old led"' vo£? Elizrfseth Porter
She wee the deacon of Dorechester*s daughter,
She vent to releive a alight pressure Hf water
Nobody knew she wae there.
CHOBUS
The second old lady wae Abigail Splatter,
She went there 'cause something was eurely lthe maagpr When ehe
got there it Vae only her bladder And nobody knew she was there.
CHORUS
The third old lady wae Ameba Garpickle Her urge wae sincere--her
reaction wae; fickle Hhe hurdled the door; she'd forgotten Iher
nickle And nobody knew eham wae there. CHORUS
The fourth old lady wae Hildegard Foglo Was relieved when the
swelling woe only a boil She hadn't been lining according to Hoyle
And nobody knew ehe wae there. CHOEUS
The fifth old lady wae Ikaily'Grancy She went there fcause
something tickled her fancy Uhen ehe got there, it wae ante in her
pantey And nobody knew ehe wae there« CHOEUS
Tho olx6h old lady wae extremely fertilo Her name wae O'Connor,
the boye called her Myrtle She went there to repair a hole in her
girdle And nobody know ehe wae there. CHOEUS
The seventh old lady wae Agatha Jender She went there to rppair a
broken suspender It enapped up and ruined her feminine gender And
nobody knew ehe wae there, CHOEUS
The Janitor came £n the early morning He opened the door In the
early morning And seven old ladies their eeate were adorning And
nd>ody knew they were there. CHORUS
9R> LITTLE HOUSE ON 3EAC0N STREET
Oh, little house on Beacon Street
How bright they red light shown-There wae but one cop on the
street,
And he wae bribery prone.
But then the Vice Squad stepped in
And closed your familiar doors. The joys and fears of many men
Vent with your well-trained whores.
CHRISTMAS DAY (tune; frere Jacques)
Chrletmai Day, Christmas Day,
Save your tree, save your tree, Shove it up the chimney, ehove it
up the chimney,
Goose Saint Nick, goose Saint Nick.
-3-
the THHF':oprr:Aigcs final
Free energr and entropy were whirling in hie brain
With partial differentials and Greek letters in their train
With Delta, sigma, gaxana, theta, epeilon and pi
Were driving hi# dietracted as they danced before his eyes.
CHORUS
Glory Glory dear old Thermo Glory Glory dear old Thermo Glory
Glory dear old Thermo We'll pass you by and by.
Heat content and fugacity revolved within his brain
Like molecules and atoms that you never have to name
And logarithmic functions doing cakewalks in his dreams
And partial molal quantities devouring chocolate creams.
CHORUS
They asked him on this final if a mole of any gas
In a vessel with a membrane through which hydrogen could pass
Were compressed to half its volume what the entropy would be
If two thirds of delta sigma equalled half of delta pi.
CHORUS
Ho said Lc guessed the entropy would hove to equal four
Unless the second law would bring it up 9 couple more
But then;it might be seven if the carnot law applied
Or It almost might be zero if the delta T should slide.
CHORUS
The professor read hie paper with a corrugated brow
For he knew he'd have to grade it; he didn't quite know how
Till an inspiration in his cerebellum suddenly emote
As he seized hie trusty fountain pen, and this is what he jwrote.
CHORUS
Just as you guessed the entropy, I'll have to guees your grade
But the second law won't raise it to the mark you might have
made.
For it might have been a hundred, if your guesses were all good,
But I think it mnet be zero 'til they're rightly understood.
FINAL CHORUS
Glory Glory dear old Thermo Glory Glory dear old Thermo Glory
Glory dear old Thermo We'll try again next year.
Tin EWjilCTHIlART OF SIX OTHER GUYS (tune: Sweetheart of Sigma
Chi)
The girl of my dreams hae dyed her hair,
A brilliant shade of red.
She drinks, she smokes, she tells dirty Jokes,
She haen't a brain in her head.
She thinks that liquor makes the world go round
She drinks more than you gr I
The girl of my dreams ain't as dumb as sbQ seems
She's the sweetheart of elx other guys.
-fc.
tbe htmr boils in
(tune: }ty Bonnie lies over tbe Ocean)
ity brother makes booze in the bathtub % lister makes synthetic
gin % sister makes love on the side, % God hov themoney rolls in.
CBQWSz Rolls in, rolls in, my God hov the money rolls in, rolls
in" Rolls in, rolls in, my God hov the money rolls in,
% mother1 s a hoarding house keeper
Each night as the lights grow dim
She hangs a red light in the vindov
Wfcr God Ihow the money rolls in.
CHORUS
Ity brother's a great issionary
He savesjatm girls from sin
For five bucks he111 save you a nice one
My God hov the money rolls in.
CHORUS
CATS ON TEE ROOFTOP (tune: Jf hn peel)
There vero cats on the rooftops,
Cats on the tiles, cats vith the sjphilie,
Cats vith the piles,
Cats with their aesholes vreathed in smiles,
Reveling in the joys oi fornication.
Nov the hippotomus, so it seems Hovers, povers, hie vet dreams,
But vhen it comes, ^it comes in streams, Reveling in the joys of
fornication*
Oh, you voke up in the morning vith an
upright stand, Its urinary pressure of the prostrate gland, And
you haven't got a voman, so you jerk it
off by hand, Reveling in the Joys of masturbation.
GOD BLESS FREE ENTERPRISE (Tunme: God J31ess -America)
God bless free enterprise, system devine Stand beside her And
guide her
Just eo long as the profits are fine. Good old Wall Street, may
she flourish, Corporations, may they grov. God bless free
enterprise, the status quo. God blass free enterprise, the status
quo.
CAPITALIST WAR SONG
Come all ye Union haters
Red and Labor baiters
Fight, Fight, Fight for Capital
Have the bloody sabre Crush the rights of labor Fight, fight,
fight for Capital.
Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn Damn the stupid massed Fight, fight,
fight, fight For the upper classes.
(Repeat first voree)
-3-
THRSE JOLLY COACHMEN
Three Jo&ly coachmen sat in an English tavern Three jolly
coachmen sat in an English tavern And they decided, and they
decided, and they decided, To have another flagon.
I*andlord fm the flowing bowl until it doth run over, Landlord
fAll the flowing bowl until it doth run over, For tonlgjit we'll
merr-eye be—for tonl#it we'll merr-eye be, For tonight we'll
merr-eye be—tomorrow we'll be edber.
Here's to the man drinks yater pure, and goes to bed quite sober,
Here's to the man drinks water pure and goes to bed quite sober He
falls as the leaves do fall, falls as the leaves do fall, Falls as
the leaves do fallj he'll die before October*
Here's to the man who drinks dark ale and goes to bed quite
mellow Here's to the man who drinks dark ale and goeerito bed quite
mellow He lives ae he ought to live, lives as he ought to live,
Lives as he ought to live; he'll die a jollu gpod fellow.
Here's to the girl that steals a kiss and runs to tell her mother
Here's to the girl who steals a kiss and runs to tell hor mother
She's a foolish foolAeh ting, she's a foolish foolish thing She's a
foolish foolish thing; /or she'll not get another,
Here's to the girl who etealm 81 kiss, and stays to lsteal
another, Here's to the girl who steals a kiss, and stays to steal
another, She's a boon to all mankind, she'sla boon to all mankind,
She's a boon to all mankind; ffir she'll soon be a mother.
FAR. FAR AUAY
Around her, hair, ;she wore a purple ribbon,
She wore it in the springtime, and in the month of May,
And if you aek her why the hell she ;wore it,
She wore it for her Tech man who's far far away.
Far away, far away, far away, far away,
She wore it for her tech man who is far, far away;
Around her knee, she wore a purple garter,
She wore it in the springtime and in the month of May,
And if 70U ask her why the hell she wore it,
She wore it for her Tech man who is far, far away.
Far away, far away, far away, far away,
She wore it for her Tech man wh* is far, far away.
Around the block she pushed a beby buggy, etc.
behind the door her father keeps a shotgun, etc.
On the wall she keeps a marriage license, etc.
CTGARETTES
cigarettes will ruin your life spoil your health ruin lyour b ab
y (REPEAT) poor little innocent child.
-6-
TH5 ITOSSHMftM'S LAMSNT
(tune: The Streets of Lorado)
As I walked out of Room 10-250,
As I walked out of lecture one day
I spied a poor freehman
With elipsticlc and penci*.
With ellpatick and pencil and so mufih to say.
I seo by your outlit that you are a senior,
These words he said,
As he slowly limped by,
Come sit down beside me and solve thsi equation,
I've got a straight F and I'm saying goodlsry.
I integrate slowly, my quiz marks are lowly,
My theme was rejected,
They said it's too clear,
WSth farads and coulouba and Joules, dynes and newtons,
A hell of a future, a Tech engineer.
jg I dream differentials and standard potentials, Ify mass action
constants are always the same, Mfcr chem-lab Assignments are
dry-lefo refinements, And chemistry lectures are always to blame.
lot all six co-eds come carry my slide rule,
Let six happy seniors come help me along.
For I'm a poor freshman
With nothing but failures ^
A poor starving student, but I ve done no wrong.
This l.J freshman then transferred to Harvard There he soon got
the best marks anyone had. He's now living in comfort and making
millions, I wonder if Harvard will take me post grad.
THE STEIN SOUS
Give a rouse, then in the May time For a life that knows no fear!
Turn the nightime into daytime
With the sunlight of good cheer! For it is always fair weather
When good fellowe get together, With a stein on the table
And a good song ringing clear.
Oh, we're all frank and twenty
When the spring is in the air And we've faith and hope a plenty
And we've life and love to spare; And it's birds of a feather
When good fellows get together, With a etcin on the table
And a heart without care.
For we know the world is glorious
And the goal is a glorious thing, And that God is not censorious
When Ms children have their fling; Then life elfcps its tether
When good fellows get together With a stein pn the tabale
In the fellowship of epring.
When the wind comes up from Cuba, And the birds are on the wing,
And our heartss are patting Juba, To the banjo of the .spring. Then
life slips its tether ,
When good fellows get together With a etein on the table In the
fellowship^ of spring.
8
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS
CHORUS;
Aboard the good ship Venus
You really should have eeen ue
Ifith a figurehead of a whore in bed
And a mast of 9 phallic genus.
The captain of the lugger
Was known as a filthy bugger
Declared unfit to shovel shit
From one ship to another
CHORUS
The cebin boy's name was Chipper
A randy little nipper
He made a pass with a broken glass
And circunsieed the skipper.
CHORUS
The first mate's name whs Morgan
Boy God he was a 'g&rjzan
From half past eight he'd play tell late
Upon the captain's organ
CHORUS
The captain's wife was Charlotte
Born and bred a harlot
Her thighs at night were lily white
By morning they were scarlet.
CHORUS
The captain's daughter M^bel
Though young was fceaeh and able
To fornicate with the second mate
Upon the chartroom table.
ChORUS
The captain's youngest daughter
Was washed into the water
Her plaintive squeals announced that eels
Had found her sexual quarter
CHORUS
The ship dog's name was Rover
We turned the poor thing over
And ground and ground that faithful hound
From Tenerief to Dover.
CH0RU2S
find when ve reached our station,
Through ekllful navigation
The ship got sunk in a wave of gunk
From too much fornication.
CHORUS
THE SHISS NAVY (TUNE: The Old Grey Mare) We don't have to march
in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, Shoot in the artillery,
We don't have to fly over Germany We're in the Swiss Navy. We're
in the Swiss Navy, we're in the Swiss Navy. Oh, we don't have to
march in the infantry, etc. (repeat verse)
We can drink champagne with the best of them,
Gin with the worst of them, beer with the rest df them.
We are the empire's big hairy chested men,
We're in the Swiss Navy
We're in the Swiss Navy, we're in the Swiss, Navy-
Oh, we can drink champagne with the best of them,, etc. (Repeat
verse)
10
LADY GODIVA
Godlva vae a lady who through Coventry did ride, To ahow the
royal villagers her fine and pure vhite hide. The ffloet observant
man of all, an engineer of course, Was the only man who noticed that
Godiva rode a horse.
GEQBJSt We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the engineers,
We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty "beers,
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with
us,
For ire don't give a damn for any damn man who don't give a damn
forus.
She said, "I've come a long,long way and I will go as far With
the man who takes from me this horse and leads me to a bar
Sirait The man who took her from her steed and led her to a bar,
Was a bleary eyed survivor and a drunken engineer. ify father was a
miner from the northern malamute, % mother was a mistress of a house
of ill repute,
The last time that I saw them, these words rang in my ears, Go to
WIT you eon of h B____and Join the engineers.
The A^my and the Navy went out to have some fun, They went down
to the taverns where fiery liquors run, But all they found were
empties for the engineers had come, And traded all their instruments
for gallon kege of rum.
Sir FRancie Drake and all hie ehipe set out for Cazlais way, Thoy
heard that the Spanish rum fleet was headed out their way, JkaA
theu^agiinuaksaha2t!3i23Bi±gfehegi
]ypuasiii^litc€aiadhh&firataa^,say:
Venus was a statue made entirely of stone,
Without a stitch upon her, sheiwas naked as a bone,
On seeing that she had no clothes an$ engineer discoursed,
Why the damn thing's only concrete and should be reinforced.
Ptinceton's run by Wellesley, Wellesley's run by Yale, Yale is
run by Vajyar; and Vassar's run by tail, Harvard's run by stiff
pricks, the kind you raise by hand, But Tech is run by engineers,
the finest in the land.'J.'.'.'
If we should find a Harvard m^n within our sacred walls,
We'll take him up to physics lab and amputate his balls,
And if he hollars Uncle, I'll tell you what we'll do,
He'll stuff his ass with broken glaes and seal it up with glue.
MIT was MIT when Harvard was a pup,
And Hit will be MIT when Harvard's busted up
And any Harvard son of a bitch who thinks he's in oar class,
Can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss the beaver's ass.
A maiden and an engineer were sitting in the park,
The engineer was working on some research after dark.
His scientific method was a marvel to observe,
While his right hand wrote the figures, his left hand traced the
curves.
11
GOOD OLD MOUNTAIN DEW
Down the road thar from me
There ie a big holler tree
Where you put in a dollar or two
When you go round the b6nd
When you come back again
There's a jug of that good old mountain dew*
CHORUS:
Oh they call it that good old mountain dev
And them that refuses it are £ew
I'll hush up my mug if you'll fill up my Jug
With that good old mountain dew.
Now my Uncle Mort is sawed off and short
He stands about four feet four
But he thinks that hef s a giant when you slip him a pint
Of that good old mountain dew.
CHOBUS
Now my Uncle Bill runs a still on the hill
Where he turns out a gallon or two
They birds in the sky get so drunk they can't fly
On that good old mountain dew.
CHORUS
Now my Auntie Bay had an old model A
That did 'round li hundred and two
Till Grandpappy hand caught her f illing the tank
With that good old mountain dew#
CHORUS
Now my Uncle Ned has no hair on his head,
He lost it was he was twenty-two,
But I heard him say he'd grow it back some day
If he soaked his head in that good old mountain dew.
CHORUS
% Auntie Jane has a brand new perfune
It sure has a sweet smelling phew
But was she surprised when she had it analyzed
It was that good old mountain dew.
CHORUS
the preacher came by with his head lifted high
Said his wife had been down with the flu
And he thought he ort to slip her a quart
Of that good old mountain dew.
CHORUS
Way up on the hill there's an old whiskey still
Bun by a hard working crew
You can tell by the whiff, you can tell by the smell
It's that good old mountain dew.
CHORUS
11
WHEN I CAMS HOME
The first night I came home, drunk ae I could be,
j gay a horee in the stable, where my horse ought to be,
"Come here little wifey, explain yourself to ae
yhy is there a horee in the stable, where my horse ought *to be"
"Why you durn foil, you blame old fool, can't you ever see,
It*e only a milk cow my mother sent to me.11
How I've been living in this world, forty years or more
<An& I never saw a milk cow with a saddle on before.
The next night, when I came home, drunk as I could be,
1 saw a coat on the coat rack, where my coat ought to be.
"Come here, little wifey, explain yourself to me
Why ie there a coat hanging on the rack where my coat ought to
be"
"Why you durn fool, you blame fool, can't you ever see
It's only a bed quilt my mother gave to me."
Now I've been living in this world forty years orlmore
And I nev»r eaw a bed quilt with pockets on before.
The next night, when I came home, -drunk as I could!t>e,
I eaw a pair of pants on the table where my pants ought to be,
Vhjg*».rt.iggira! "Come here little wifey, and explain yourself
to me4
Why ie there a pair of pants on the teble where my pants ought to
be."*
iWhy you durn fool, you blame fool, can't you ever see,
It's only a petticoat my mother gave to me."
How I've been Ivlng in this world forty years -or more
And I pever saw a petticoat with suspenders on before.
The next night when I came home, drunk as .1 could be,
1 saw a head lying on the bed, where mly head ought to be,
"Gome here, little wifey, explain yourself to me
Why is that head on the pillow where my head ought to be"
"Why you durn fool, you blame fool, can't you ever see,
It's only a cabbage head my mother-gave to me-"
Now I've been living in this world forty Jeara or more,
And I never saw a cabbage head with a moustache on before.
HERE'S TO GOOD OLD 3EER
Here's to good old beer, drink her down, drink her down, Here's
to good old beer, drink her down, drink her down, Here's to good old
beer, for it makes you feel so queer, Here's to good old beer, drink
her down, down, down. CHQHJS
• " . Rolling home, dead drunk, rolling home dead drunk,
Bylthe light of the silvery mo-o-n,
Happy as the day when the students get «zway,
As we go rolling, rolling home (deai drunk). TO CONTINUE;
Here's to good old whiskey, it makes you feel so frinsky*.^
Here's to good old sherry, for it keep* you bright and merry,...
Here's to sparkling ale, for it keeps you bright and hale,....
Berejs to good old rum, for it'll turn you to a bum..*. Here'e to
good hard cider, it will make you warn insider. ...♦
Here's to good old port, it felves you lots of sport.....
Here's to good vermouth, for it makes you so uncouth.•♦...
13
FOGGY FOGGY VW
When X v&8 a bachelor, I lived all alone
% worked at the weaver's trade;
jtad the only, only thing that I did that was wrong
Was to woo a fair young maid,
I wooed in the wintertime, and in the awm&r, too/
And the the only thing that I did that was wrong,
Vbb to keep her from the goggy, foggy dew.
One night ehe knftlt close by my aide
When I was fast asleep
She threw her arms around my neck and then began to weep,
She wept, ehe cried, ehe tore her hair,
Alas, what could I do.
So all night long, I held her in ny arms,
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew*
Again I'm a bachelor, I live with m^ son,
We work at the weaver's trade;
And every single time I iook into hisx eyes
He reminds me of the winter time,
And of the summer too,
And of the many, many times, that I held her in bqt arms
Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew.
LAY YOUR GIRLS ON BOUGHS OF HOLLY
Lay your girls on boughs of holly,
Fa, la, la, la, la,la, la,la.
That1a a reason to be jolly,
Fa, la, la, etc. Been so long I can't remenber,
Fa, la, la, etc.
Think I had it last Decent) er, Fa, la, la, etc*
Choose you now, you lade, your lassie,
Fa, la, la, etc. Don't get pigs, be sure they're classy,
Fa, la, la, etc. Shed you now your gay apparel,
Fa, la ,1a, etc. Have you tried it in a barrel,
Fa, la, la, etc.
And when you have had your evening,
Fa, la, la, etc* Her apartment let's be leaving,
Fa^ la, la, etc* Dcm you now your gay apparel,
Fa, la, la, etc. Now we've made our Christmas Carol,
Fa, la, la, etc.
Ik
IN CHINA THE? WER MP CHILI (tune: Spanleh folk song)
CHORUS: I, yi, yi, yi
In China they never eat chili, Oh, here comes another verse, It's
worse than the other vei^se* So waltz me around again, Willy.
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones we've seen
so seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
God's plan had a hopeful beginning.
But Man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.
Tehre was a young lady from Guam Who observed, "The Pacific's so
calm That there can be a shark; I'll Just swim for a lark"
Let us now sigg the twentj-third Psalm.
There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept .while the ship lay at anchor.
ShB- awoke in dismay
\/hen she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
There was once an old man of Lyme, Who married three wives at a
time: When asked, "Why a third " He replied, "One's absurd, And
bigamy, sir, is a crime."
An Indian maiden, a Sioux,
As tempting as fresh honey dioux,
Would show off her knees,
As she strolled past tepees,
And she'd hear the braves call, "Wioux, wioux.11
There once was a maiden of Si am,
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
alf you kiss me, of course,
You will have to use force,
But, God knows, you are stronger than I am. "
A girl who weighs many an oz, Used language I will not pronoz,
Her brother, one day, Pulled her chair right away, He wanted to see
if she'd boz.
15
For thoee of ?ou vho conelder the limeiick one half-step above
the pun, the folloving ie dedicated:
There vae an old man of St. Beee,
1/ho vae stung in the arm by a vasp,
When asked, Does it hurt "
He replied, "No it doesn't,
But I'm quite glad it wasn't a hornet*"
And for those of you vho consider the limerick the hlgjaest
achievement of poetry, the folloving:
The llmefiick I Juet eang to you
Was written in 1882,
W.S.S&ll&QBfc vas his name,
With Sullivan he gained fame,
But hfeie limericks vould Just never do*
There vas a young lady from Greene, Who grev eo abdominally lean,
And flat and compressed That her hack touched her chest, And
eidevays she couldn't be seen.
A vanton young lady from Winfcley,
Reproached for not acting quite promly,
Ansvered, "Heavens above,
I know sex ien't love,
But it's such an attractive facsimile."
A serious thought for today, Is one that may cauee dismay: Just
what are the forces, That bring little horees, If all of the horees
say Nay
There vas a young lady named Tvllling,
Who vent to the dentiet for fillings,
Because of depravity,
He filled the vrong cavity,
Nov Tvllling is missing the filling.
There vae a young boy named Her kin,
Whoee mother caught him Jerkin hie gjierkin,
"Hey, Herkln," she said,
"You're out of your head:
The gherkin's for ferkin, not Jerkin."
There vaa a young girl named Alice,
Who used dynamite for phallus:
They ;found her vagina
In North Carolina;
Her ega$ vae in Buckingham Palace.
There vae a young man from Nantucket,
Whoee prick vae eo long he could euck it.
Said he, vith a grin,
While viping his chin,
"If my ear vere a cunt, I could fuck it. *'
16
There was a young couple named Kelly/ Who walked around "belly to
belly. Because in their haste They used Carter*e paste Instead of
petroleum Jelly,
There was a young nan from Hani, Whose prick was so long that it
bent, To sate himself trouble, He put it double, And instead of
coming he vent.
There was h young man from Podunk,
Who fell aoleep in a trunks
He dreampt that Venue
Was stroking hie penis,
And awoke with a trunkful of gunk.
There wae a younj msn from Degress, Whose ball? were ;^adt of
braes, When they clanged together, They played "Stormy WEather" And
lightening shot out of his ass.
There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought all 300& tungs were made by God,
It wasn't the Almighty
That lifted her nighty,
It vae Boger, the Lodger, by God.
(or a more refined version)
There was a young maid from Cape Cod,
Who thought all things were made by God,
It waenft the Almighty
Who lifted her nighty,
It vae "Sneaky Pete from down the street,
With a pound and a half of swinging meat.,f
There was a young man from Dundee, Who fucked an ape in a tree,
The results were most horrid, All ass and no forehead, Six balls and
a n^rple goatee.
There was a lady from Wooster, Who thought that a man had seduced
her, But when looking around, She finally found It was only the
bedpost that goosed her.
17
THREE PROMTNENT BASTARDS
C10RUS:
Our parents forgot to get married, Our parents forgot to,get wed,
When the wedding hells chimed, It was always the time, Our parents
were somewhere in bed. Thanks to our kindhearted parents We're kings
in the land of the free
The banker, the broker, the Washington Joker, Three prominent
bastards are we.
The children of the Baker make the most delicious bread, And the
eonsof Casanova fill the rc>st exclusive beds., The burdens and the
hoieters and some others I could name, Have inherited the feature
that perpetuates their fame.
% position in the structure of society I owe,
To the qualities my parents, they bequeathed me long ago,
For my father was a gentlemen and musical to boot,
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute
Ify- Mother was a Madam and a credit to the cult
She liked my father's playing and I am the result,
So to my Mom and Dad I have to give my thanks,
I'm the chairman of the board of the county national bank.
In a cozt little cottage in a cozy southern dwell,
A dear old fashioned farmer and his daughter
She was pretty; she was charming, she was tender; she was mild,
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
Oh, the year the hospitality became a record high, She had a
little baby boy, which was I,, And whenever Ma was gloomy I could
always make her grin, By childishly Inquiring who my father might
have been.
On a dusty liitle chain gang,
On a dusty southern road,
My laplemented pappy made his permanent sbode,
Now some were there for cheating; for others stealing til they
were caught
But Dad's overwhelming secret was his weakness for assault.
His philosophy was simple and free from moral taint, So Pappy's
list of victims was enbarrassingly rich, Though one of them was
mother, He could never tell which.
I've never gone to college, but I got me a degree, For I'm a
perfect model of an S.O.B., I'm a ddDit to the country, I'm a credit
to my Dad, I'm the most expensive eenator this country ever had.
18
THE WOODPECKER'S HOLE
I etuck my finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said, "God damn your soul;"
Take it out...take it out...take it out...re-*move it.
I removed my finger from the woodpeckerfs hole.
And the woodpecker said, God damn your soul;"
Put it back.. .put it back/, .put it back.. .re—pla*e it.
I replaced iqy finger in the woodpecker's hole,
And the woodpecker said, God damn your soul;"
Turn around.. .turn around...turn around.. .re—-volve it.
I revolved May finger in the woodpecker's hole, And the
woodpecker said, God damn your soul; Wrong way.. .wrong way.. .wrong
way.. .re—verse it.
I reversed my finger in the woodpecker's hole, And the woodpecker
said, "God damn your soul;" Take it out...take it out...take it
out...re~-move it.
(An unusually fussy woodpecker, eh what)