Apples of Eden (1945)

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APPLES OP EDEN

A
PRIVATE COLLECTION OP
AMERICAN FOLK-LORE

Gathered from cowboys,
college boys, and latino
americanos by a liberal who
does not believe that these
choice morsels shoxild be
thrown out of American Lit-
erature because of their
vigorous and unconventional
language* After all, a ma-
nure pile by any other name
would smell no better! And
even a manure pile has.its
values*
1

A Prologue
S. L. Johnson, LLD.
(•Spoken by Miss Bella de Lancy, on her retiring from the
stage to open a fashionable bawdy house.)
When cunt first triumphed (as the learned suppose)
O'er failing pricks, Immortal Dildo rose;
Prom fucks unnumbered still erect he drew,
■Exhausted cunts, and then demanded new;
Dame Nature saw him spurn her bounded'peign
And panting pricks toiled after hiniy^jain;
The laxest folds, the deepest depths he filled
The juciest drained; the toughest hymens drilled.
The fair lay gasping with Extended limbs
And unremitting cockstands stormed their quims.
Then Prigging came, instructed from the School
And scorned the aid of India-rubber tool*
With restless finger fired the dormant blood
^■*•-** -QjrA^pyj-s ^ose, shy, peeping through her hood.
Gently'was worked this titillating art,
It broke no hymen, and scarce stretched the part;
"Yet lured its votaries to a sudden doom,
And stamped Consumption's flush on Beauty's bloom.
Sweet Gamahuche found softer ways to fame,
It asked not j^ildo^s art, nor Frigging's flame.
Tongue, not prick now probes the central hole,
And mouth, not cunt, becomes prick's destined goal.
She always found a sympathetic friend;
And pleased limp pricks and those that could not spend.
No tedious wait, for laboured stand delays
The hot and panting cunt, which tongue allays.
The taste was luscious, though the smell was strong,
The fuck was easy, and would last so long.
Til wearied tongues found gamahuching cloy,
And pricks and cunts grew callous to the joy.
Then, dulled by frigging, by mock pricks enlarged,
Her noble duties Cunt but ill discharged.
Her nymphae drooped, her devil's bite grew weak
And twice two pricks might flounder in her creek,
Til all the edge was taken off the bliss
And Cunt's sole occupation was to piss.
Forced from her former joys, with scoft and brunt',
She saw great Ar sehole lay the ghost of Cunt.
Exulting buggers hailed the joyful day,
And piles and hemorrhoides confirmed his sway.
But who lust's future fancies can explore
And mark the whimseys that remain in store?
Perhaps it shall be deemed a lover's treat
To suck the flowering quims of mares in heat;
Perhaps where beauty 'held unequalled sway
A Cochin fowl shall rival Mabel Gray,
Nobles be ruined by Hyaena's smile
And teats get short engagement from the Argyle.
Hard is her lot, that here by Fortune placed,
hust watch the wild vicissitudes of taste;
<~a

Catch every whim, learn every bawdy trick,
And chase the new-born bubbles of the prick;
Ah, let not Gensure term our fate "our choice/1
The Bawd but echoes back the public voice.
The Brothel1s laws, the Brothel's patrons give,
And those that live to please, must please to live,
Then purge these growing follies from your hearts
And turn to female arms and female arts.
rTis yours this night to bid the reign begin
Of all the good, old-fashioned ways to sin:
Clean, wholesome girls with lip, tongue, cunt, and hand,
Shall raise, keep up, put in, take down a stand,*
Your bottoms shall by lily hands be bled,
And birches blossom under every bed.
Love
Nature, everywhere the same, imparts to man a lustful flame.
In Russian snow or Indian fire, all men alike indulge desire.
All alike feel passion's heat* All alike enjoyment greet,
So that whereso*er you go, still the same voluptuous gfow
Throbs through every purple vein; thirsts enjoyment to obtain
Mongst the dark or with the fair, Woman is empress everywhere*
The Origin of the Species
V/hen Adam and Eve were first put into Eden,
They never once thought of that pleasant thing—breeding
T'hough they had not a rag to cover their front,
Adam sported his prick and Eve sported her cunt.
Adamf^ prick was so thick and so long-~such a teaser;
Evefs cunt was so hairy and fat-~such a breezer.
Adam's thing was just formed any maiden to please,
And his bollocks hung down vnr~j near to his knees.
Eve played with his balls and thought it no harm,
He fingered her quira and ne'er felt alarm;
He ticked her bubbles, she rubbed up his yard
And yet for a fuck, why, they felt no regard.
But when LIrs. Eve did taste of the fruit
It was then that her eyes first beheld Adam's root.
Then he ate an apple, and after he'd done't
Why then he first found out the value of cunt.
■^
y

'They say they made fig loaves, that's f idule~de-dee ,
Ho wanted a. quim, and quite ready was she.
"They gazed on their privates with mutual delight
And she soon found a hole to put jock out of sight.
Then Ad an soon laid I.Irs. Eve on the grass,
He popped in his prick, she heaved up her ass,
He wriggled, she wriggled, they both stuck to one tether
And she tickled his balls, 'til they both cane together,
Since then, all her children are filled with desire,
And the women a stiff stand,v^prick all require!
And no son of Adam will e'er take affront,
For where is the man who can live without cunt I
Amen
Oh, cunt is a kingdom, and prick is its lord
A whore is its slave and its mistress a bawd.
Her quim is her freehold, which brings in her rent,
Where you pay when you enter and leave when you1re spent*
The Wanton Lass
Inhere was a lass they called bonny Bet
With a jolly fat arse and a cant black as jet;
Her quim had long itched and she wanted, I vow,
A jolly good fucking, but didn't know how.
She thought of a plan that might serve as the same,
That herself she might shag without any shame.
So a carrot she got, with a point rather blunt,
And she rammed it and jammed it through parts up her cunt.
She liked it so well that she oft used to do it,
'Til at length the poor girl had occasion to rue it.
For, one day, when amusing herself at this whim,
The carrot, it snarjped, and part stuck in her quim.
She almost went mad with vexation at this.
Indeed, it was time; the poor girl couldn't piss.
The lass was in torture, no rest had poor Bet
So at. last an old doctor she was forced to get.
The doctor he came and she told him the case,
Then with spectacles on and a very long face,
He bid her turn up}, though she scarcely was able,
And pull up her petticoats over her navel.
i

Her clouts she hold up, round her belly so plump,
And he gave her fat arse such a hell of a thump
That he made her cry out; though he did it so neat,
That away flew the carrot, bang Into the street.
How a sweep passing by, he saw it come down
Picked it up and he ate it and said with a frown,
nBy G.awd, itis not right, itfs a damned shame I say
That folks should throw buttered carrots away."
The Meeting of the Waters
There is not in this wide world a valley so sweet
As the vale whore the thighs of a pretty girl meet*
Oh the last ray of feeling and life must depart
Ere the bloom of that valley shall fade from my heart.
Yet it is not that nature has shed o'er the scene
The purest of red, the most delicate skin,
fTis not the sweet smell of the genital hill,
Ah no, it is something more exquisite still,
fTis because the last favors of woman are there
Which make every part of her body more clear*
V/e feel how the# charms of nature improve
When we bathe in the spendings of her whom we love.
Sweet Valley of Venus, how calm could I rest
Deep, deep withbvthee, on the girl I love best.
V/hen the throbs of fierce passion in ecstasy cease,
And our hearts, like thy waters, are mingled in peace.
Cunt
Cunt is a greedy unsatisfied glutton
All women are ready to yield up their mutton
Finger them, fuck them, and do as you please
They have such an itching, you never can tease.
Thrust in your penis from morning !til night,
Still they are ready to come with delight;
Of bollocks and all you could give them galore,
By Godi They're so greedy, they cry but for more.
Puck 'til your penis no longer will stand,
She still your bollocks will tease with her hand,
Rub it and dawdle it over again
Still she will have it, though writhing with pain.
Let it be long, or let it be thick,
Women are never contented with pricks
And v/hen all their power and vigour are past
With prick in their hand, they will breathe out their
s

The Wise Lover
Woman and man whenever inclined
In mutual goodness pleasure find.
The lawful spouse 'tis sweet to ernbra.ce
In hopes of seeing a lengthened race,
But let who will the truth contest
Another!s wife is still the best.
When I was young and slightly skilled,
In blisses womankind can yield
I loved the maid, I loved the piece
But as rn.y wit and years increase,
I own the sweetest sport in life
Is to enjoy another's wife*
A virgin coy, with sidelong eye
Your mere approach at once.will fly
Abhors your nasty hot desires
Nought less than marriage she requires*
Such maidenheads the wise detest
The adultery maidenhead's the best*
The vagrant nymph who sees her charms
And fills in turn a thousand arras
Besides the loss of gold and fame,
Ky set Priapus in a flame,
Such fire-tailed comets God confound!
A wife is always safe and sound*
The genial flame Irve oft allayed.
With buxom Kate, my chambermaid*
And dozens' such as her, but found
Such sport with ills beset around.
He who at liberty would rest
Will- find another1 s. wife the best*
A mistress kept at first is sweet,
And joys to do the merry feat
But bastards come and hundreds gone,
You111 v/ish you left her charms alone
Such breeding hussies are a pest
A neighbor!s wife is far the best*
If you are rash, a wife, at first,
May into horrid- fury burst
"Sir, you shall rue throughout your life
The day you've kissed another's wife."
Reply, "Liy dear, this gives the zest
I always liked my neighbor's best."
Jove, I remember, when inclined
To feast himself on womankind
Though maids enough to him" were free
Always preferred adultery*
He. took the shape of bird or beast
And joyed in adultery's loving feast*
•4

But while tills naughty sport \/o sing
l;ho can. forget our gracious King (George IV)
Him many a lady pleasure gives
For .which her husband pay receives
God bless King George, his Majesty
Is patron of Adultery!
I own trie clangers of the suit •
The sweetest Is forbidden fruit,
And lav/a aa thick as hairs are tight
Around this center of all delight ♦
This peril gives the highest zest,
And guarded hoard Is sure the best.
The wandering nymph your purse desires
The chambermaid to rank aspires;
Your wife content with marriage dues,
All further•license will refuse.
He who has put them'to the test,
Must own his neighbor's wife's the best*
Queen Bathsheba
Grass widows and princes! A warning I sing
Of the sad -wicked doings of David, the King
V/ith Bathsheba, wife of poor Major, Uriah
Who was bathing one day when the King chanced to spy her.
He was drinking upstairs and the weather was hot,
And her window was open, a thing she forgot
And the stark-naked beauty had not an idea,
That while she was washing, a creature could see her.
She and her little sister were sporting together
Enjoying the heat of the bright summer'weather
They bathed in the fountain and while they were washing
were romping all naked and leaping and splashing,
V/hat man could resist such an awful temptation?
He forgot he was King of the Sanctified Nation*
He was filled with delight, and lewd admiration,
And 'was mad for the raptures of fierce fornication.
Beware of the Devil, who seldom lies sleeping!
So while she was washing and while he was peeping
The King's living sceptre grew stiff as a rod
,riIIce mutton.rf Cried David, ."I'll fuck her, by God!"
So calling a page, he desired him to go
And inquire all about her. He answered, "I know
The lady your x-ajesty's pleased to admire
She's the wife of the valorous I-'ajor Uriah*11
 

His hajesty answered, l!Go fetch her, be quick!"
Luch conscience indeed has a stiff-standing prick!"
Trie page ran to call her; she put on a smock,
And hurried to wait on his Kajesty's jock.
One touch to her hand, one word to her ear,
She fell oxi. her back like a sweet willing dear — .
He was frantic with lust, but she seized his erection
And put it at once in the proper direction*
She was girlish and lively, a heavenly figure
V/ith the cunt of an angel, and fucking with vigour
lie got her at once with child of a son
And he said a long grace when the swiving was done.
So the lady went home and she very soon found
Her belly was growing unluckily round.
"This is an honour," she said, "I could hardly expect,
.Your Majesty now, must.your handmaid protect."
"Never fear," cried the King, "I111 be your adviser
I'll send for the Major, and no one's the wiser."
So he sent for Uriah who speedily -cane
But -unluckily, never laid hands on the dame*
King David was puzzled; he made the man tipsy,
But still he avoided the lewd little gypsy*
David laid out a new plot,-and his wish was fulfilled
In the front of the battle, Uriah was killed,
Julienfs Concert
Now music being the food of love, I thought that I would go
To Julien1s concert, for I heard the price was very low.
.It being nearly eight ofclock, I toddled' in right quick
To hear the quadrille and to see great Julien shake his pr---
His little staff about, and I've been told by jokers
The ladies they do all agree he is the prince of pokers.
The ladies they were highly dressed ---naked, almost stark,
Their muslin hung thin enough to see the watermark;
I gazed on one, a beauteous maid, her srnile was bright and sunny.
She'd a nice small mouth, and golden hair, and a fine full open
cunny*
Being so, I introduced myself to her so gentle;
She said she'd come there for an hour with something instrumental,
I gently sat down at her side while glowing"like & fire,
The smile she gave me I must admit I really did admire•
Said she, "The band is going to play." Said I "T'will shake.
the walls."
"Oh no," said she, "that's only when great Julien shakes his b —~:
. Q

Bunch of.rosy locks, his staff so v/cll displayed in,
He knows full well a good long piece is sure to plover* the ]. roller*."
The names of till the instruments she then inquired about,
Especially of the long brass tiling that kept sliding in and out.
The fingering of the double-bass she thought was rather slack,
And wondered Julien should engage a man who's got the clap---
Pens were an awful bore, and still she would insist on
l.y telling her who'd get the horn and who the cornet a pin ton.
She said she liked the clarinet, likewise the German.'flute--
You a.ll know well such instruments as do the ladies suit.
The farty parts they were so off they almost made us start
And the bass tuba would come in just like a thundring fart
Or peal of thunder; but not quite so loud and dinny.
The French horn would pop in to join those other things so windy.
The place got overpowering; our ears were tired of drumming
Said she, "I feel I'm going. You'd better he a~corn5.ng. "
She took my arm, we left the place, I acted as conductor.
I called a cab and on the road I freely furnished her with ray ideas
of Julien's improvements,
'And so wound up a grand duet with many pleasing movements.
The Good Nobleman
Respected near and.far
There was a noble
Marquis and Wallsend was the title that he bore,
Who left his brother swells,
To follow, little girls
And tell 'em not to do it anymore.
Said he, "A man's affair
Isn't meant to go in there!'1
And his lordship put his finger on the spot
But the wicked girls appalled
The nobleman and called
On God to paralyze each limb they'd got.
"You're private parts or cunny
Should not be lent for money♦
"They're only meant to piss with." did he preach
His ears he almost doubted
When the little creatures shouted,
"God blind us into bloody corpses each."
"You always should endeavor
To stop a young man ever
On any grounds from creeping up behind."
And the noble thought he dreamed
When the .little creatures screamed
"God stvike us deaf, lame, dumb., and blind."
°\

nYou dissembling, bleeding, rotten,
.Bloody, cankerous, misbegotten
Lump of shit rubbed over with a little spend!"
The little children cried,
For a coolest and they espied
Within the noble breeches of their friend,
They were tearing do\m his breeches
And his bitter cries and screeches,
And his blushes would have 'melted hearts of snow,
And the little creatures fbund,
.When they dragged him to the ground,
That, while lecturing, he'd shot his noble roe,
Soldier's Return
Ross returning from the wars
Wearied 'out with wounds and jars
Tells the tale of blood and strife
War and suffering to his wife.
"Never mind, dear Ross/1 she said*
"Your tool is safe. Let's get to bed."
Tragedy
To his bed he went sleepy and drunk, Oh! Very!
he wanted to piss; felt about for the jerry,
Took up bj mischance a big mouastrap instead
Which snapped off, Alas! his old gentleman's head.
Tale of the Potter
Young Hodge he was a worthy wise
A potter he by trade'
He fell in love with Llartha price.
She was a parson's maid.
This Hodge worked hard amongst his pans
His pots, his mugs, his delf;
He said, "a sad fate is a man's
When he.is by himself.
Mow soon I'll marry Martha Price
A nice snug home I've got.
The parson soon the knot shall splice,
And we'll both piss in one pot.H
Then Hodge did make a pretty pot
And took it to his love.
6-0

Said ho, "I've brought this pot to sriow
I mean jour love to prove,
How name the day, the happy day
Whose night shall bring me bliss
V/hen pour sweet cunt and my stiff prick
Shall mingle in their piss/'
They married wore within a week
And. Hodge was true in luck
He took sweet Putty's maidenhead
With his first vigourous fuck,
Then in her arias he fell asleep,
But started with affright
And in the middle of his bed
He sat up scared and white,
"Oh love, oh love, ITve had a dream,
That caused me such a fright,
I dreamed we. both were in my shop
-And there I hugged you tight,
I dreamed I went your cheek to kiss
We romped with hugs and squeezes,
When I knocked down the pots and pans
And broke them into pieces.fI
Then Martha answered with a laugh
rrNo pots you've broke, good man;
But much I fear this very night
YouWe cracked a Patty pan.
And from that night unto this day
Hodge in that crack will pop
A prick as thick as any brick
But the crack he cannot stop.
So maids beware! Heed v/ell your pans
With this my tale is ended:
"If your pan is cracked by the prick of a man,
It never can be mendedI"
The Old Dildoe
The beds were all made in the bawdy house fine
And the whores were rejoicing in gin and wine,
And the old bawd, herself, dressed out so gay
Was making them drunk on Christmas day.
And there was "Peg Watkins", the brothel's delight
Got lewrd Qf) a cove/4o was there that night.
And she said to herself "If I don't have a go
I'll content myself with the old Dildoe."
"Oh, I'm weary of drinking," Peg now did. cry,~.
"Gome upstairs with me Joey, and have a shy."
But Joey determined to stick to gin
And wouldn't leave liquor to have "put in."
Peg cursed him and told him to go to hell
But drunk as a fart, from the chair he fell
So away she ran with her blood in a glow
Determined to try the old Dildoe.
5A

To the old bawdfs bedroom at once she wont
To seize upon the implement.
She looked in the cupboard,. she looked in the potj
She searched high and low but found it not.
She rushed to the couch, she searched the bed
Underneath the pillow she spied its head
She seized it and cried, "Pull well I know,
Par better than Joe is the old Dildoe♦"
She flew with the treasure into her room
(Its size was the handle of a broom)
OhI what ecstatic moments she passed there
As she threw up her legs on the back of a chair.
Through each vein in her body the fire lurked
Surely and quickly the Implement worked•
Pace .her, back her, stop her ? No! Ho!
Paster and faster flew the old Dildoe.
Minutes soon passed and the hours flew by,
■Then suddenly there came a fearful cry,
Which was followed at once by a terrible scream
Which awoke the whores from their drunken dream.
They all jumped up in a hell of a fright,
In an empty gin bottle, they stuck a light;
And the old bawd herself away did go
To look after the safety of the old Dildoe.
But the old bawd very soon did return
With a look of pain and of deep concern.
Por her heart was filled with a dire remorse
As she told the-whores' of her fearful loss
She questioned, them all .and implored them to tell
Where the treasure had gone that she loved so well;
"Tien one of them said, "I think I know.
Peg Watkins is using your old DildoeI"
Away they all flew to Peggy's room,
But oh! *Twas filled with smoke and fume,
And a terrible stench came forth froin the bed,
Where poor Peggy lay' all burnt and dead.
Sad, sad was her fate when instead of a fuck,
With the old Dildoe she had tried her luck.
And when at the long digs she so hard did go,
It caught fire with the friction—the old Dildoe!
Birdie
He was a bloody sparrow
Lived up a bloody spout
There came a bloody thunderstorm
And washed the bugger out.
y~&

But In a bloody minute
It stopped, the bloody rain,
And the bloody little sparrow
Y<Tent up the spout again..
Sweet Alice
Oh do you remember sweet Alice, Ben Bolt,
Sweet Alice with cunt soft and brown;
How she'd grin with delight when you gave her a quid
And how quickly she'd fetch a prick down?
The girl has now gone to decay, Ben Bolt
That soft luscious quim is now dry.
.And that lump of delight is a bag of dry bones
That wouldn't please you Ben, nor I.
Had she stuck to the Navy, I vow, Ben Bolt,
She'd be alive and kicking today
But a bloody big soldier got round our poor girl
And turned the poor moll into clB.y.
He gave her no cash, but he gave her the pox
He fucked her while we were away.
And true to his set, he fucked her to death,
And he often got in the back-way.
Now she is dead, and he's off abroad,
There that cuss had just better stay.
For if he comes near me, my toe in his arse
Will remind him of our comrade's play.
Social Security Song
"When Father's Sixty-five, It'll be Pretty Soft for Uother"
Irish Rose
There v/as ' an old Irishman, who in England did dwell,
Pie had a young daughter, a very fine gal.
Now, he, he v/as rich in silver and gold,
And she, she was sweet sixteen years old.
They were out walking in the garden one day,
To him she did whisper, to him she did say,
(,0h father, oh father, Ifd love to be wed,
I love to be screwed on a new feather bed.11
tr0h daughter, oh daughter, you'd better wait o'er,
You'd better stay single a year or two more.
Your frame is too tender, your skin is too thin,
Your box is too small, no pricks could get in.ff
A3

(f0h father, oh father, you1re a liar I know,
For I've tried my young handsome two, three days ago
11 Oh daughter, oh daughter, you drive me to shame,
I'll spank your little assoy all over your frame."
His daughter he caught her, her ass'he spanked well,
Now take your young handsome and damn him to hell!
Goop Verses
Horace V/itherspoon G, Bates
Sits all day and masturbates-.
Revelling in its evil thrills,
Heedless, of all future, ills ♦
Goops who trifle with their tails,
Land in hospitals and jailso
Mary Elizabeth G. Cowles
Could not stand the thought of bowels.
Painted when she had to do
Just a teeny number two.
Goops who neglect their defecation,
Die of chronic constipation*
Rufus Jennings Q. O'Brien-
Tried to masturbate a.lion*
Trifling with the kingly cock,
He was ripped from head to hock*
For Goops who monkey with Old Leo,
Gloria,In excelsus Deo.
Whorehouse Days
Born in a whorehouse, raised as a slave,■
Drinkin1 and fuokin1 is all that I crave.
Bustinf out windows, breakin1 down doors,
Tradin* good women for broken down whores.
Come on T.'adge! Make me a toddy!
I want to get drunk and fuck everybody]
Here comes Old Claire, the slimy bitch,
With ulcered tongue and the seven-year-itch,
Green matter grows between her toes,
And s 11my snot run s f r ox n h e r nose.
Before Ifd lie between those thighs
And suck those cancered teats,
I'd drink one pint of ouzzard puke
And' bathe In liouid shit.

The Cardinals Be Damned
Chorus:
The Cardinals be damned boys, the Cardinals be damned.
The Cardinals be damned boys, the Cardinals be damned•
If any Stanford son-of~a~bitch don't like the Blue and Gold,
He can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss the Bear's ass-hole.
Verses:
Harvard's run by Princeton, Princeton's run by Yale,
Yale is run by Vassar, Vassar's run by tail*
Stanford's run by ten-inch prick, they say itfs raised by hand
The masturbating sons-o-bitches, the ass-holes of the land,
If I had a little girl Ifd dress her all in green
And send her down to Stanford to coach the Cardinal team,
But if 1 had a little boy I'd dress him all in Blue
And he'd shout to hell with Stanford, like his daddy used to do.
Come listen, all ye m&idens, cone listen unto me,
Never trust a Stanford man an inch above your knee*
He'll take you down to Menlo and fill you full of fizz,
And inside of half an hour your maiden he ad ' 11 be his*
If v/e find a Stanford man within our sacred walls,
We'll take him up the big C hill and amputate his balls,
And if that doesn't hold him, I!ll tell you what we'll do
We'll stuff his ass with broken glass and seal it up with glue,
Here's to Tiny Thornhill, the dirty son~of~a-bitch,
I hope he dies with clap and siph combined with the seven-year-itch*
Taking his cock as a radius, disecting his balls in space,
You can prove by the law of limits, that his ass resembles his face.
I wish I had a cock of steel and balls of solid brass
I'd find a marble statue and ram it up it's ass
I'd breed a race of giants to roam throughout the land
To swell the mighty chorus of the Cardinals be Damned*
4-5

The Saga of the Swede
Ay vas yust v/an Swede called Ole
And ay want for dress up nice,
So ay go by wan close shop
Yust to ask for some advice.
So ay go Inside the yolnt
And dot guy yurap right up and down
Say he sell da bes* dam closes
Vat dey got in das har town*
He vas show me some new panses
Vit van zipper for make pee,
An' ay tank, by ympin gudeness
Dat look purty good to me.
So ay feel so galdarn dress up
Dat ay tank ay look all right
Ay talafone may Olga
Ay make date wit hur wan nite.
And ay tank dat wit dat zipper
All fix up for work so slick,
Ay skall go to vork on Olga
If she let me, purty quick.
So,---Ay fool around a little
An1 she say she tank.she might,
So ay start for vork may zipper/
'Cause ay tank it vork all right.
Ay vas reach for find dat handle
Yust for give it wan gude yerk
An1 vot you tank? Dat galdarn ting
Ay couldn*t make it vork.
An1 Olfea she vas all cool off
Ay lose van dam gude chance,
So from now on, ay tell you
Ay have buttons on may pants.
Don't
you
tank
dat
gude
^                                 ideal

One-ball Riley
Mien we sat In old Rileyfs store,.
Telling tales of blood and slaughter;
Came the thought into my mind,
Why don't I shag old Rileyfs daughter?
Refrain:
Tiddley-I~ee, tiddley-I-oo.
Tiddley-I-ee for. one-ball Riley,
Rig~a-jig jig, balls and all,
Rub-a-dub dub, shag onI
I grabbed the old wench by the arm,
And then I threw the left leg over,
Shagged and shagged and shagged some more,
Shagged until the fun was over,
Refrain;
Came a knock upon the door,
Who should it be but her Goddamned father;
Two horse-pistols in his hands,
Looking for the guy that shagged his daughter-
Refrain:
I grabbed that bastard by the balls,
Shoved his head in a pail of water,
Rammed those pistols up his ass,
Damned sight farther than I shagged his daughter.
Refrain:
As I go walking down the street,
People shout from every corner,
There, goes that Goddamned son-of-a-bitch,
The guy that shagged old Riley's daughter,
Refrain;
<L~1

Deah Old Brit
Tune: The Little Brown Jug
Hore-Belisha stands for war-
Then we have Sir S&nuel Hoare.
But can they save the country yet
With a couple of Hoares in the cabinet?
Refrain;
Ha Ha Hal He He Hei
Go and lobby your M. P.
Ask him if he's ready yet
To pull the chain 021 the cabinet?
Then we have Sir Earnest Brown--
If you try to speak, he shouts you down.
But can they save the country yet
With a little bit of Brown in the cabinet?
Refrain?
How long has the chamber lain
Without being emptied down the drain?
But can they save the country yet
With a Chamberlain in the cabinet?
Refrain;

Bell-bottomed Trousers
Once I was a lady's maid down in Drury's lane
My mistress she was good to roe, my master was the same.
Along came a sailor as merry as could be,
And he was the cause of all ray raiserie.
Refrain:
Singing bell-bottomed trousers; coats of navy blue,
He/11 climb the rigginf like, his daddy used to do.
Sea bags on his shoulder, hair upon his knee,
That's the kind of Sailor that I like to sleep with me.
He asked me for a candle to light his way to bed,
He asked me for a kerchief to tie about his head.
And I like a silly girl thinking it no harm,
Climbed into the sailor's bed to.keep the Sailor warm.
Refrain;
Early in the morning about the break of day,
He handed me a 5-pound note and this to me did say,--
"Maybe you'll have a daughter, maybe you'll have a son,
But take this my darling for the damage I have done.
Refrain;
If you have a daughter, bounce her   on your knee,
If you have a.son send the bastard  out to sea.
The moral to this tale so far as I   can see,
Is never let a sailor put his hand  above your knee.
Refrain:

The Bastard King of England
(A version of Rudyard Kipling1s famous
poem which is commonly sung by American
college boys. )
Oh the minstrils sing of a Bastard King
Who lived long years ago~-
He ruled his land with an iron hand
And a mind that was weak and low.
His hair was long and v/ooly
And his beard was full of fleas
And he had one helluva, helluva jock
That hung belov; his knees.
Chorus:
Ail*" Hall> phfi ]teatj£& King of E^3^ndJ
Now the only garment that he wore
Was a leather undershirt.
He wore the hide to hide the hide,
But it didn't hide the dirt.
He loved to hunt the royal stag
That roamed the royal wood
But of all the sports he loved the best
To pull the royal pud.
Oh the Queen of Spain was a sprightly dame
And a comely wench was she
But she loved to play with the terrible tool
Of the King across the sela.
So she sent a royal message
By a royal messenger
To ask the King to come to Spain
To spend the night with her.
Now Phillip of France, he shit in his pants
He turned and said to his court
"My Godi She loves the Bastard just
Because my tool is short."
So he sent the Count of Siphylssap
To give the Queen the clap
To pass on to the Bastard King
And trap our dear Old England.
When the news of this disaster
Reached the merry English Halls
The King he swore by the crown he wore
Hefd have the Frenchman1s balls.
So he offered half his kingdom
And a crack at Queen Hortense
And a pot of gold to the knight so bold
Who -would nut the King of Prance.
Thus the royal Duke of Suffolk
Betook himself to France,
He swore he was a fruiter

^o

And the King pulled down his pants.
Then around his prong he threw a thong
And merrily, merrily galloped along
And dragged him back to the shores of merry England*
Well, the King threw up his breakfast
And he wallowed on the floor
For in the ride, King Phillip!s pride
Had stretched a yard or more,
The ladies of the kingdom all came down to London town
They gazed on the Frenchman's pride and said---
"To hell with the British Grown]"
Thus Phillip of France usurped the throne:
His ^only sceptre was his bone
With which he overruled the King of England.
A Village Fantasy
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village falf-wit sat,
Amusing himself by abusing himself,
'An*, a-catching it in his hat*
Natux*al History
The camel's carnal desires
Are greater than a person thinks
For when fired with amorous passion
He tries to make love to the. Sphinx
But the Sphinx1s posterior opening
Is blocked by the sands of the Kile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And tl)>e Sphinxes inscrutable smile•
fRay for Wisconsin!
Go out among the willows
Swell out your breasts like billow's
And let your pudgy buttocks sway*
For on the shores of Lake Mendota
The gals all get their quota
In the good old fashioned way.
c"A -3—

Betty Coed: A Parody
Betty Coed has gone to bed v/ith Harvard,
Betty Coed 'ns,s slept v/ith Yalefs v/hole crew,
Betty Coed has put the blocks to Princeton,
Her dress I guess v/as raised by old Purdue.
Betty Coed ' s a deal v/ith Pennsylvania
Fondling her tits is South Dakota's joy 'tis said,
Betty Coed was made hf every college boy.
But I'm the one that got her maidenhead,
Put on Your Old Green Bustle
Put on your old green bustle,
And get out and hustle
For the rent is far past due*
Plant your fanny in the clover,
Let the boys look it over
If you cant take five, take two*
Get Out the Old Blue Ointment
Get out the old blue ointment
Itfs the crab!s disappointment*
Take a bath three times a day.
Holy moses how it itches!
But it gets the sons-a-bitche s
In the good old fashioned way*
Put on the Old Pink Panties
Put on the old pink panties
That used to be your auntie's,
And we'll go rompin1 in the hay.
Now there's no need startin' duckin1
For your goin' to get a fuckin*,
In the good old fashioned way.
A Wish
If I had the prick of a stud horse,
And the balls of a big buffalo,
I would climb to the top of the mountain
And piss on you all here below,

Prison Life
In the prison cell I sit
With me fingers in me shit,
Watching bedbugs playing shinny on the floor.
And the hair is growing thick
Prom me asshole to me prick,
And I1!! never see me ballicks any more.
And the ladies as they pass
See me bare and naked ass
And the shadow of me bunghole on the floor,
Than I'll lot a blowing fart,
Blow the prison walls apart
And I111 never join the army anymore*
School Days
School days, school days,
Good old golden rule days
First you get blue balls and then you get clap,
And then you get hell from your mammy and pap,
And then to the doctor you must go,
And get old John wrapped up in calico*
When you wrote on my slate,
"I burnt you so11
When, we were a couple of kids.
A Moorish Fantasy
It was Christmas Eve in the harem,
The best night of the year
And all the eunuchs were happy
For their guts were full of beer.
Then the Sultan's vo^ce rang out aloud
Through those ancestral halls,
"What111 you have for Christmas boys?"
The eunuchs all said, "BallsI"
Birdie
There was a little bird
With a belly full of terd,
Who flew to a telegraph pole,
There he ruffled up his neck
And he shit about a peck,
Then he closed up his little asshole,
 

When She Wore Her Teddies
When she wore her teddies
Her little pink teddies,
A#nd I v/ore my underclothes,
First I caressed her
And then I'undressed her,
Oh boy] what a figure she exposedI
Her tits they were beauties,
They had tips like red rubies
And down where the soft hair grows.,
It was half past eleven
When she said she was in heaven
And I whitewashed her little red rose,
The Big Black Bull
The big black bull came down from the mountain,
Houston, Sam Houston.
The big black bull came down from the mountain,
Long years ago*
Long years ago--oh--oh--oh
Long years ago*
The big black bull came down from the mountain,
Long years ago.
He wiped his ass on a white oak sapling,
Houston, Sam Houston, etc.
He saw a heifer grazing in a pasture,
Houston, Sam Houston, etc.
He jumped that fence and he jumped that heifer,
Houston, Sam Houston, etc.
He missed his mark and he pfftt on the ground,
Houston, Sam Houston, etc.
His cock went limp and his balls were a~dragginf,
Houston, Sam Houston, etc*
The big black bull went back exhausted,
Houston, Sam Houston, etc.
The Boar
Of all the beasts that roam the wood
J!d rather be a boar.
I'd climb upon some old sows back
And fuck for evermore*
OS *

A Little Girl in Yellow
A shady nook,
A babbling brook,
A little girl all dressed in yellow,
A little bliss
From this sweet miss,
He was a lucky fellow1
Nine days passed by,
He heaved a sigh,
A sigh of pain and sorrow*
Two pimples pink
Lay on his dink
And there111 be more tomorrow*
Nine months passed by,
She heaved a sigh,
A sigh of pain and sorrow*
Two ugly mutts
Lay in her guts,
And they'll be out tomorrow*
More days passed by,
She still did. sigh,
A sigh of pain and sorrow.
Two little shits
Were at her tits,
And he got fucked, poor fellow]
Redwing
There once lived an Indian maid,
Who always v/as afraid,
That some buckeroo
Would slip it up her slough
As she lay sleeping, dreaming in the shade.
She had an ^idea grand*
She filled her box with sand,
So no buckeroo
Could make a pass at her,
And reach the promised land.
Now the sun shines bright 'round pretty Redwing,
As she lies sleeping,
There comes a~creeping,
A cowboy brave with eyes a-gleaming
His cock a~standing,
With promised .joy.
as

We*re a Bunch of Bastards
We're a bunch of bastarda,
Sevan ox the earth.
We're from the U. of C,
The asshole of the earth,
And all the Universe;
Oh, we're a bunch of fairies,
MorphoditeG are vvre.
We'd rather fuck than fight
For victory.
The Sow
Of all the beasts that roam the wood,
I'd rather be a-sow.
I'd curl my tail above my, back,
And say, "Hop to it now!11
A Young Cowboy
I jumped in my saddle
And went to ray doc.
He pulled down my pants,
And out went my cock.
He examined it carefully,
I said it was sore.
He said, "You've been fucking
That damned little whore•fl
Invitation
Come over to the bunkhouse,
It's nice and shady there.
The wind blew up the side of her snatch,
And tickled her curly hair*
Contempt
Tickle my hairy belly,
Smell of my slimy slough.
Then kiss my ass, you son~of~a~bitch,
I'm one of the whorey crew.
oM=>

Now this buckeroo was wise,
So he pried in between her thighs,
He put a gum hoot
On the end of his root,
And he opened up Redwing's eyes.
Little Redwing came to life
And grabbed her Bowie knife,
With one quick pass
She cut the balls from his ass,
And now this cowboyfs through.
Now %he moon shines bright on pretty Redwing;
As she lies snoring,
There hangs a warning.
Two cowboys balls are now adorning
The flap on
Her/ wigwam door,
Little Ball of Yarn
One sunny day in June
When the flowers were in bloom,
And the birds were singing gaily on the barn;
I met a pretty miss
And I simply asked her.this,
"Can I weave it in that little ball of yarn?"
She gave me her consent
So behind the fence we v/ent
Not a-knowin* that we had so many charms;
There I laid her on the ground
And I lifted up her gown,
And I wove it in that little ball of yam.
It was nine days after that
In the doctor's chair I sat
Not a-knowinf that she done me any harm;
And the doctor there in white
Said r^oung pan you've got to fight!
You've been weaving in that little ball of yarn.11
It was nine months after that
In the same damned room I sat
Not a-knowin J; that I done her any harm;
And the officer in blue,
Said, "Young man I'm after you.
You've been weaving in that little ball of yarn."
Red Hot Cowboy
Rippity-shit! And away she went
The crack of her snatch got red as a cent.
And every time I hit the root,
It made her old ass go rootity-tootJ
3H

Admiration
Said the little red hen
To the big black duck,
"You look like hell,
But you sure can sv/irn!"
Small Fry
Fire in the mountains, run' boys run,
Girls in the bushes having lots of fun.
Up with the petticoats, down v/Ith the breeches,
In with the pollywogs, sixteen inches!
Resurrection
Fire in the mountains, snakes in the grass,
An old man died v/ith a cob up his ass*
The cob flew out and the wind blew in,
And the old man came to life again.
Africa
A monkey and a baboon, sitting on a binder,
The monkey stuck his finger up the baboon's hinder.
The baboon said, "God Damn your soul!
Stick your fingers up your own assholeI,f
Sidewalks of New York
East Side, V/est Side,
All around the town
The boys and girls are playing
"Stick your finger up your brown."
Johnny got excited
And slipped Marie the pork,
And now she's carrying a baby
On the sidewalks of New York.
1%

The Big Game
The game was played on Sunday,
'.Twas in St. Peter's yard;
Jesus, He played halfback,
And Moses, he played guard>
The angels on the sidelines,
Their voices they did blend
When Jesus made a touchdown
Around St. Peter's end.
Refrain:
Hold 'em Christ! Hold »em Christ!
Jesus on the one yard line,
He can tackle Goddam fine.
Hold 'em Christ! Hold »em Christ!
Hold 'em! poke 'em! Jesus, soak 'em! .
Hold 'em Christ!
Jesus tried a placement,
While Moses held the ball;
The boys from Heaven determined
To stop Hell's forward wall*
But Jesus missed the placement,
The kick didn't go so well;
The Devil'got hj Moses,
And blocked it all to Hell.
Refrain:
Hold 'em Christ! Hold 'em Christ!
The Devil, he did block that kick;
He got in there Goddam quick.
Hold Jem Christ! Hold !em Christ!
Hold !em! Poke 'em! Jesus, soak 'em!
Hold 'em Christ!
Poems
Arthur Gulterman
No tree of timber, bark and phloem
Is half as lovely as a poem.
A poem beautiful and grand,
If somewhat hard to understand; *
A poem full of words, and scores
Of similes and metaphors;
A poem that is true and fine,
And sends a thrill along the spine;
C7 I

A p o em mix sic a 1 an d s v; cot,
With rhyme and rhythm quite complete,
That may be sung both high and low,
And broadcast on the radio♦
Trees? Nonsense J Any fool can grow fem;
But it takes brains to write a poem]
Take Care with •■'#iom you Walk, Son
Pearl M. Nelson
Take* care with whom you walk, Son,
In the soft, bright light of the moon*
There is danger, and pleasure divine, lad,
In the soft, bright light of the moon,
When each leaf is a black silhouette, lsd,-
In the soft, bright light of the moon,
A girlfs"face turns angel
In the soft, bright light of the moon,
A girlfs two' eyes are deep cool pools
In the soft, bright light of the moon,
Where yoiiTll want' to swim till you die, lad,
In the soft, bright light of the moon;
And her sweet, red lips that look like love
In the soft, bright light of the moon
Can drav/ your own till you1 re mad as day
In the soft, bright light of the moon;
But those two pale hands that cling so frail
In the soft, bright light of the moon
Can grasp like iron in the light of day.
So take care how you walk, Son,
In the soft, bright light of the moon.
jViva la Republical
Si publiea es la mujer
Que pox** put a es conoclda,
Republica vlene a sev
La puta mas corrompida;
Y siguiendo el proceder
Do esta logica absoluta,
Todo aquel que se reputa
De la^Republica hi jo
Viene a ser, a punto fijo,
El hi'jo de una gran puta.
QO

El Carajo
j Ay que palabra* A su inventor bendigo,
Que tanta ciicha a los mortales trajo,
Cuando inspirado por celeste musa dijo,
jCarajoJ
El extranjero, la primera palabra
Que aprende y dice sin ningun trabajo
Es la celeste interjeccion de Espafia,
Es el Carajo*
The Thing
Pussy is a funny thing,
It makes a man a fool.
It .takes away his worries
And wears av/ay his tool.
When a man gets on a woman
And.hasn!t long to stay;
His head is full of nonsense
And his ass is full of play*
Though he gets on like a lion,
He gets off like a lamb;
And when he buttons up his pants
He isn't worth a damn*
What the Girls of Different Nationalities
Say After Having been Indiscreet:
The
The
The
The
The
The
The
The
Italian Girl: "Nov/ you will hate me,11
Spanish Girl: "I will love you forever*"
"Ay tank ay go home, ay vant to be
alone *lf
"You have my body, but my soul is free."
"After we rest, we go to a beer garden,
no?"
"*Twas nice, may we do it again
sometime?"
"Oui, Monsieur, now you will buy me
a beautiful dress?"
American Girl: IrJesus Christ, I must have been drunk]
What did you say your name was?"
Swedish Girl:
Russian Girl:.
German Girl: "
English Girl:
French Girl:
The Worldfs Shortest Love Story
Once upon a girl a boy had a time,

Epitaph
Here lies the body of Screwey Dick,
Who was cursed from birth with a corkscrew prick
He spent all his. life in a fruitless hunt
In search of a girl with a spiral cunt.
When he finally found her, he dropped down dead,
For the Goddam thing had a left-hand thread.
California Engineers1 Yell
Piss once I Piss twice!
Holy jumpin' Jesus Christ]
Son-of-a-bitchJ GoddamJ
STANFORDJ SHIT J
Don't Be Misled
He tried me on the sofa
He tried xue on the chair
He tried me on the window sill
But couldn't ge it there*
He tried me lying on the couch
I stood against the wall,
I even sat upon the floor
It wouldn't work at all*
He tried in this and that way,
Oh, hov; I did laugh
To see how many ways he tried
---to take my photograph.
A Toast
Here's to the American Eagle,
That wondrous bird of prey;
Who lives and breeds in Illinois
And shits in Ioway.
To Rest
Here's to a moment of sweet rep.ose
Tummy to tummy, toes to toes
After a moment of sweet delight •
It's fanny to fanny the rest of the night.
39-

To Eve:
Hero's to Eve the Mother of our race
Who always wore the fig leaf in the right plac
Here's to Adam the Father of us all
Who was Johnny-on-the-spot
When the leaves began to fall.
To a Sweetheart:
Here's to you sweetheart
May you .live as long as you want
And want as long as you live.
And if you want and I'm asleep wake me,
And if I don't, damn it make me*
Boredom
I'm tired of all this virtue
I'm tired of all this sin
Ifm tired of all wines and whiskies
Of all the beer and gin*
I'm tired of the Big Apple
I'm tiredof this Truckin'.
And after last night
Am I tired, Oh BoyJ
"Here They Ahi"
Amos and Andy
Andy"-Araos , 'I' s in trouble again.
Amos~~What's the matter now, Andy?
Arxly~~Well, Amos, you know Madam Queen and I been
keep in'"company for a long time, and I hates to tell you,
Amos, but we has been havin' ..recourse.
Amo
s—Well, I'll be doggoned, ain't that sumpin?
Andy--Yeah, and things is bad now,, Amos, cause the Madam
hain'T; demonstrated for three months. Today I takes her to
the doctor and that old*saw-bones charged ma $2 and skairt de
life out of me by saying de Madam.was fragrant♦
Amos—Urn, urn, you sho is In a rfess now. What you gonna d

Andy—V/ell^ the doctor he say I is going to Ud:e do
1/1 adatxT to' a f rat e r n i t y horne .
Am^~~Well, 1*11 be doggoned, what ^/ou mean, fraternity
home?
And.y--Ainoa, you sho is dura* Now I?ll resplain the
propolftTon to you* A fraternity home is where they takes
people that am f migrant $_ £ix fam *o they dim demonnl^rD be and
put fem in shape for recourse again*
/irao£—Urn, urn, ainft that syinpin1"?
A Street Car Comedy
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a street car and
sat next to a man. She noticed him smiling. Being humiliated,
she changed her seat. This time his smile changed to a grin,
She changed her seat again* He seemed more amused than ever.
When, for the fourth time* she changed her seat, he hurst out
laughing. She could not bear it any longer and complained to
the conductor and had the man arrested. The case came up in
court and the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.
"Well, your honor, it was like this-,,r he replied..
"When the lady sat beside me I could not help but notice
her condition and she sat under a sign which read "Use Sloan1s
Linament to reduce that swelling," and I had to smile to my-
self. Th&n she moved under a sign which read "Gold Dust Twins
are coming." This made me grin. Then she moved under the sign,
"William's Stick did the trick," and I'could hardly hold my-
self, and when she moved for the fourth time and sat beneath
the sign which read "Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this
accident," I just laughed out loud."
"Case dismissed," said the judge.
Hay Fever
(Prom SerlbnerVs Magazine)
We are always more or less irritated with other people!s
sex life, and at a loss to understand two other people frought
with desire under the elms. Our own necking seems entirely
normal, but all other smugglers seem a little out of their
heads, if not even slightly disgusting. It is always a little
bit nauseating to imagine Jim and Betty in the boudoir together,
We should never try.
As I write this ,*, I find myself carrying .this, lo;«thing~f or-
the~other~fellow1 s-sex-life into the very world 01 pj.auts.
y\

There are a lob of locust tre^s outside my window, lush with
the mating instinct.- I am actually sickened by their urm.b<n>n/ul
effort to reproduce—under my very nose. Their rich roll en
perhaps sweetly odoriferous to many people, is repugnant to'mm
1 am torn from stem to stern with violent hay fever "as a result
of the .floating, flying, ubiquitous love ponders of those
damned locust trees or some tiling else in the vicinity*
Maybe only God can make a tree, but I wish He could make
new little, baby trees without tearing the lining out of my nasal
tract clear down to my diaphragm. I wish He had put trees on
feet or wheels so that they could get about at night and mate
like the rest of us instead of broadcasting their amour dust
into the air for miles around and into my pathological nostrils.
Society Women are Immoral
A colored woman j;/as applying for a new place to work.
When asked why she left her forme rplace , she replied: "Yes sum,
dey paid good, but dat was de nos1 rediklus place I'se ever
been. Days plays a game dey call bridge, an1 jes as I was
fixing to bring in de refreshments, I hears a man say to a
woman: ^Take yo1 hand off my trick]1 I jes pretty near dropped
dead, when bless my soul, I hears annuder man say: !Lay down,
and les see what you got;1 an den annuder lady say:fYou got length
but yo* ain't got strength! f 'Yell, I jes up an! gets my hat,
*cosf I knows dat place ainft fo me, an* jes as I am leaving,
I hopes to die if a man didnTt say: 'Well, I guess I'll stop
now, as dis am de last rubber.1 An* doggone if she didn!t ssy:
'Lay down your dummy an1 let me play with it.1 NO'm—I'se a
lady, anf I jes oouldnft stay darl"
The Ballad of the Spurned Sperm
(or The Egg that was Poached)
Once a little sperm did see
An egg in his proximity;
And. having nothing else to do
Decided he the egg would woo,
He flicked his tail and darted straight
Toward the egg, to propagate
The race of' which he was a part;
And so he swam with happy heart*
35

Alas,- when on the scene ho came.
. He 'spied smother sperm with same
Intent and jvorposG swimming there,
And heavy tension filled the air*
He eyed his rival scornfully,
But then he eyed him mournfully ♦
For plainly could our sperm disdern,
His rival was a better sperm*
But unafraid our hero said:
"Begone before I strike you dead!"
His rival leered and rushed at him,
And there ensued an awful din*
With bodies locked in fierce embrace,
They strove to smash each other's face;
And cytoplasmic bits did fly,
As each at each spat in the eye.
These mighty mites fought half the night,
When suddenly they ceased to fight;
Pox* lol they did a sight behold
Which left their bodies strangely cold*
Their lady fair was gone, you see;
They gazed upon vacuity;
The fickle egg had scrambled off
To wed a somewhat tougher toff.
Our hero bade his former foe
A fond adieu, and then with slo\v
Sad strokes he swam until
A sudden thought his head did fill.
nBah!ri cried he, "and why should I
Sit 'round and mope and pine and sigh;
And think of all that I shall miss
While he enjoys connubial bliss.lt
!lPor I am young, and strong, and free,
And still have my identity,
While he is now a diffuse mass
Within that protoplasmic lass."
In happier mood he swam away,
Singing a spermy roundelay,
Carving a tiny foamy path
With his little aftermath.
Chorus
Spermy wermy pTug away,
You may win another day,
And become a Greek or Jap,
You cute potential homo-sap*
36

The Ballad of the Spurned .Sperm II
Once again v/e sing the story of the sad and melancholy
Circumstances that attended the adventures of the sperm
Who, though willing to be plighted, found his love was unrequited
And responded to such treatment with thickened"epiderm.
And the more he thought it ova, why, the more he thought it ova,
And he came to the conclusion that he'd picked a fickle gal;
So to sublimate his rancor, he pulled up the well-known anchor,
And began an exploration of the genital canal.
Over hills and over valleys, with his trusty gun and camera,
This young Lochinvar attempted to forget his sweetheart~ex.
But it brought him little solace, so exclaiming "Das ist allesJ"
He curled up behind some rugae to philosophize on sex,
n0h I wish I could recover the security and comfort
Of the days when I was just a gay and happy spermatid.
But, impelled by carnal.urgin1, I renounced my status virgin,
And went' out to see the seamy side of life—I111 say I didJrI
"Take* me back to the seclusion of the land of maturation,
Where the temperature is lower and a man could raise a thirst♦
Let me sit there by the hour reading Arthur Schopenhauer •
Till I'm old and lean and haggard—and I dehydrate or burst.rt
In such agonizing grief did this poor sperm bewail his fortune,
As he lay there contemplating the vicissitudes of life.
But too soon, though far from overjoyed, (As prophesied by Dr.
Freud)
His mind again disposed itself to thoughts about a wife.
Now the truth is poor old spermy was already in the clutches
Of senescence--though of course he- wouldn't hear of such a thing.
But his chromosomes were dying, and his aftermath was lying
Tout en fatigue~-he was in short, a bee without a sting.
Thus he died, another victim of ill-timed procrastination
And the cilia bowed low in deferens as end approached,
.tod his face grew cyanotic; but from out his lips necrotic
Came the.whispered name of his true love~~the ovum that was
poached.

Chattanooka, Tenn.
Dere cusin,
Yer uncle has a job at last, the first time he has
v/urked in 48 yeres.
V/e are rich, now, 17.25 every Toosday so we sent to
Sears, Ilobuk for v/un of them there new fangled bathrooms like
the folks have up north. It cam an we. got her all piirite.
lou shud see it. Over on one side of the room is a big
long thing like the pigs drink out of, only you kin get in
an take a bath all at wurice. Over in the other side of the
room is a litel v/ite gajet hanging to the wal called a sine.
This -is fur lite v/ashin like fase an- hans.
They sent us a role of riting paper, but it is kinda
cheep and rips e.asy so I dont use it.
But over in the uther korner, 770W, they gotta thing
there that you put v/un foot in an skrub it til it gets clene,
then you pull the chane an git fresh watter fur the uther
foot.
Yurs truly,
Cusin Ilaryloo
P.S. Too lids cum on the foot thing an v/e aint got
no use fur them so Ma is using v/un fur a bredbord an
we framed Pa!s pitcher in the uther.

What is a Cow?
A cow is a female quadruped with an alto voice and a
countenance in which there is no guile. She collaborates
with the pump in the production of a liquid called milk,
provides the filler for hash, sausage, and similar objects'
and at last is skinned by those she has benefited, as mortals
commonly are* The young cow is called a calf and is u^ed
in the manufacture of chicken salad, breaded veal, and \for
other purposes of which no further knowledge is necessary.
The-cowTs tail is mounted aft and has a universal joint,
It is used to disturb marauding flies, and the tassel on the
end has unique educational value. Persons coining in contact
with the tassel have vocabularies of peculiar and impressive
force.
The cow has two stomaches. The one on the ground floor
is used as a warehouse and for no other function* When this
one is filled, the cow retires to a quiet spot where her bad
manners will occasion no comment. The raw material then con-
veyed for the sscond time to the interior of her face is pul-
verized and in turn delivered to the auxilliary stomach where
it is converted into cow.
The cow has no upper plate. All of her teeth are parked
in the lower part of her face. This arrangement was perfected
by an efficiency expert to keep her from gumming things up*
As a result, she bites up.and gums down.
v?
If a felt manufacturer gets his felt twice a day
And a leather dealer gets his hide every "Tuesday and Thursday
And an ice box gets a fresh piece every morning
And a table cloth gets jerked off three tim.es daily
And a street car conductor will take any woman in town on for
10 cents,
And the boss ha's to get into the stenographers drawers to get
lead in his pencil,
And a mechanic screws4a typewriter while the dentist puts tools
in a woman1s mouth for 50 cents,
Why? Oh why the hell should a doctor charge 03*00 for coming
once?
First prize poem (not 2FJ-I!l^^) ^n a Carnation
canned milk contest held in dowtf~state California:
No more Goddamned teats to twitch,
No more piles of shit to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son~of~a~bitch.

^

Political Speech of a Prominent Woman to the Woman's Club
We must have what the men have. It may not be very much,
but v/e mean to have ■ it. If we can't get it without friction,
then v/e will have it with friction. If v/e cannot get it through
our organization, then we will get it through our combinations,
or through both if necessary.
We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist
on being placed on the floor of the house.
■We are willing to look up to the men, but v/e donft always
want to be forced or held down without making a few motions of
our own.
We want to hold-up our end, and show men our possibilities
whenever anything arises that will fill our expectations. Nothing
that comes can be too hard for us.
V/e women have always been interested in good movements, and
will take any load that is given us.
We are willing" to work under' the men that have been above
us In the past — even to the point of exhaustion, if necessary--
but we are beginning to become disgusted.with failings and short-
comings.
Never, when anything arose that required our presence and
attention, have v/e failed to come, again and agin, if the occasion
required it. But, too often have our hopes and strivings been
met with feeble performances which have left us disappointed and
unsatisfied. Plow often have our efforts to push forward our ends
been met In the house with the cry, "Down with the petticoats!"
Now I say, "Up with the petticoats—and down with the punts J"
Then we shall see things in their true light. As long as women
are split the way they are, the men will be on top•
Sponge Cake
Use one banana, t;,vo nuts, one fur-lined mixing bowl,
Take two arms full of well-formed mama,
Two laughing blue eyes, two cherry lips,
Squeeze until warm, add moonlight to taste,
Then a little spooning to raise.
When good and hot then add banana,
Work up and down gently, when* banana begins to cream
then add nuts.
The results will be astounding.
Two rolling blue eyes, a sigh of relief and the work
is done,
Sit out on the back porch to cool*
Ho

The Little Grey Lamb
A simple tale of long ago,
How -the little grey lamb became white as snow.
On Bethlehem1s hills on a winter night,
Shepherds kept watch in the cold star-light*
The sheep, safely folded, were fast asleep:
There was nought to trouble their slumber deep.
.But one little grey lamb was filled with woe,
For he longed to be white as the winter snow*
Then sudden the heavens grew bright like noon,
With a light which was neither of sun nor moon.
And music rained down ineffably sweet,
As the shepherds sprang to their trembling feet.
But the sheep slumbered on through that wonderful night,
Save the little grey lamb who longed to be white.
Then forth from the skies came an angel!s voice:
"Good tidings, ye shepherds! God bids you rejoice.
In Bethlehemfs inn the Child ye shall see,
Who is born to make all men happy and free."
Then swiftly they journeyed the Christ Child to find,
And the little grey lamb followed closely behind.
prom his little-white heart rose *a timid prayer:
HIs it only for men, 0 Baby most fair,
Thou hast cleansing from all that is sinful and bad?
Wilt Thou not heal me and make me glad?"
So he followed the shepherds and entered with them,
When they came to the stable of Bethlehem.
They entered, they worshipped, find homeward returned,
While a solemn joy in their bosoms burned:
But the little grey lamb nestled close in the hay,
Quite close to the crib where the Baby lay.
And a tiny hand stole forth from the bed,
And rested awhile on the little lamb's head.
At that touch there passed a wonderful thrill
Through the lamb as he lay by the crib so still:
He felt all his sadness melting away,
As the night mists scatter at break of day.
The little grey lamb in that holy glow
Knew he was white as the driven snow*
Hay the Christ Child today this blessing bestow,
That the lambs of his flock be made whiter than snowJ
HI-

The Little Grey Goat
A simple tale for a Christmas bright
How a little grey goat became black as the night♦
On Bethlehem1s hills on a winter night,
The shepherds slept in their blankets tight,
While all around them their herds slept too,
Which seems the reasonable thing to do.
But one little grey goat lay wide awake,
So woeful it seemed his heart must break*
Then sudden the heavens grew fiercely bright
A most unusual thing at night,
And down rained music, gentle and slow,
As from an expensive radio.
But the herd slept on in its lazy way,
All save the poor little goat who was grey.
Then forth from the skies came a baritone voice,
"Effective at once, God bids you rejoice,
In Bethlehem's inn a'Child you should see,
It really is worth it, admission .is free."
So leaving their flocks they went on their way,
And with them the poor little goat who was grey.
Prom his black little- heart rose a black little prayer,
"I'm rough and I'm tough and I don't like my hair,
I'll never get nowhere with it on my back,
I don't wanna be grey, I wanna be black."
So muttering thus he entered the stable,
And pushed up in front to see all he was able.
The shepherds in worship knelt dov/n at the bed,
But the little grey goat v/anted but be fed.
So while all in reverence knelt in the dirt,
The little grey goat ate the infant Christ's shirt,
And was there a row when they rose from their prayer,
To find their goat nibbling the child Jesus' hair J
At that touch there passed a wonderful shiver,
That wracked the small goat from his horns to his liver,
And all of his sadness melted to water,
Like ice cubes sat on by somebody's daughter.
For tfiere, all at once, to everyone's sight,
The little grey goat became black as the night.
May you who Christmas verse peruse,
Be black or white, whichever you choose.
Ha

Botanical Drivel
(Original compositions of students
in the Botany Department, U.0«)
Donv/ald
Billy was a little goat
The Dr. got its glands
He sewed fem up in Donny Boy
Now Donny eats tin canal
Resemblance
Mary had a little goat
She called it Donald G.
When asked the Reason, for that name,
"It* looks like him," said she.
To Lloyd:
V/hen young blades would a-hunting go
They need not fret v/hen game is slow
The gun won't rust; there111 soon be more.
But should the foray strike a Hlodetr
Without some care steel may corrode
So watch it lad J Don't slight the bore*
Suspect No. 6 (technically
No. 6 and No. 7)
There was a pome in Adam's time
That tempted lovely Eve to find
The joys of God's forbidden fruit.
Wary was a little lamb, not gay,
Who always turned both cheeks they say
And who am 1 to follow suit?
But Mary knows her Roses too
Not two but Pour—to you. and you--
And Mary was a lamb no more.
0 sinners all, confess your sins:
The winner's he who finally wins;
0 worm within that apple core!
43

To Don:
Though Winter winds whistle,
And Christmas is 'nigh
The fragrance of flowers
Still rises on high*
And since in one way
You turn winter to June,
Letf'S go it one better
To keep things in tune,
And so if you!ve "got it11
--A^d most hoys seem to,
It?s time to pick cherries--
Herefs one for you*
0 Cannoneer J
(or Aisle of Quintuplets)
0 Cannoneer I
0 lion who strews his manly strength
Upon a. willing outstretched length:
Heat internal hard compressed
By phy s i c!s 1aw s i s out ward pr e s s e d;
Before the uncocked gun can load,
The powder next your face explode,
And that expanded, does contract
And leave behind this simple fact:
A very merry, marry hairy Christmas,
you—(supply suitable salutation)

Famous Books and their Authors
The Russian Lover. ...... *Teratitsoff
The Spot on the Window. * . . • .Who Flung Dung
The Hole In the Snow.......i.p# Straight
The Golden Stream. . . . . * . . . I.P. Freely
The Open Kimona. • •...... .fe^^^-e ?:teip
The Mysterious Bag. ...... .Nuts Hung Low
The-Rooster's Mistake* ....... Rhoda Duck
The Tomcat's Revenge* .♦.**. .Claude Balls
Back to Back........... ♦Willie Turner
The Great Expose. .*.*..*• .C*R# Butts
Parody on Romona
Kimona, the wind is blowing 'round my knees,
Kimona, if I don't find you, I'll darn soon freeze-
I need you/ I want you,
I can't go home sa naked and bare*
I wish that I had brought
A swimming suit or something to wear.
Kimona, the boys are hiding in the bushes tall,
Kimona, they'll see my shape and that, ain't all.
If I go home
I hope the cops will leave me alone,
Kimona, I need you,
My own.

Limericks
A certain young toreador
Had a date one night with a whore;
As he slipped his tool in
He remarked with a grin,
"Is this a. cunt or a correador?"
There was a young man from Madras
Who had both his balls turn to brass;
When he clanked them together
He could play "Stormy- Weather"
And sparks would fly out of his ass*
There was a young fellow named Durkin
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin:
Said his mother, "Now 'Durkin,
. Stop jerkin1 your gherkin,
Your gherkin's for ferkin1, not jerkin1•"
There was a young man from Batavia
Whose' features resembled Our Savior;
He walked down the strand
With his cock in his hand
And was- jailed for indecent behavior.
There was a young girl from Cape God
Who reasoned that kids came from God;
.Though * twas not the Almighty
Who lifted her nighty
But Roger, the lodger, by Godi
There was a young lady from Brighton
V/ho went out one night with a tight one;
He said, r,0h my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "--But you!ve not got the right one J"
There was a young girl from Decatur
Who kept a gorilla to mate her;
Though it wasn't for fun
Nor with dreams of a son,
But for anthropological datsr.
There was a young girl from' Peru
v/ho said as the Bishop withdrew;
"The Vicar is slicker
And quicker and thicker,
And two inches longer than you.
M4

A hands owe young Tellow named Paul
Had a penis excessively small;
When he futtered a bus
On. the edge of the rug
The bug never* felt It at all,
A choir boy from exeter quad
Shouted, "HelpI I've bsen buggered, by God]11
Though it wasn't Jehovah
Who turned the lad ovah
But bloody old Oscar, the sod*
There once was a man named Adair
Who was giving the works to a bear;
When the terrible brute
Took a. swipe at his fruit
And left nothing there but the hair.
There.was a young lady from Chitchester
With u* form that made saints in their niches
One morning at mass
The shape of her ass,
Made the Bishop of Chitchester!s breeches sti
There once were two ladles from Birmingham
And this is a story concerning them;
They lifted the smock
And tickled the jock
Of the Bishop v/ho was confirming them*
But the Bishop, he v/as no fool
He'd 'oeen to a large public school;
He took dovm his breeches •
And he fucked those two bitches
With his large episcopal tool*
There was a young girl from Bermuda
Who thought she v/as shrewd-*-1 was shrewda.
One night on the Lido
She aroused my libido,
I wooed, she cooed, I screwda*
There was a young man from New Broom
V/ho led a young girl to her doom*
He undressed^her and fucked her,
He buggered and sucked her*, i
And then made' her pay for the room.
4~1

The Maharaja of Baroda
Would not pay his whore what he owed her.
With her ass flaming red,
She leaped from the bed,
And pissed in his whiskey and soda*
There was a young man from St, Chasm
Who had a terrific orgasm;
In the midst of his thralls
He burst both his balls,.
And covered an acre with plasm,
There was a young man from Bankok
Who tied mandolin strings to his jock;
When he had an erection
He'd play a selection,
Prom Johann Sebastian Bach.
There was a young lady named Alice
Who pissed in a Catholic Chalice;
But it's common belief
That ftwas done for relief
And not out of Protestant malice*
From a crypt in the church of St* Giles,
Came a cry that resounded for miles*
Said a friar, "Good gracious!
Our brother Ignacius,
Has forgotten the Bishop has piles."
There, was a young lady from Prance
Who boarded a train in a trance;
The engineer fucked her
So did the conducter
While the brakeman-went off in his pants.
There once was a handsome young buck
Who attempted a virgin to fuclc;
The hole was too small
Where he put in his awl,
And, sad to relate, he got stuck.
In the midst of this struggle and s trife
Her father walked into his life;
With a furious yell,
He severed them well,
With the aid of a castrating knife.
m

A certain young girl from Seattle
Made a habit of sucking off cattle;
fTill a bull from the South
Shot a wad in her mouth,
That made even her ovaries rattle•
A habit obscure and unsavory-
Kept a man from Southampton in slavery
With lecherous howls
He deflowered young owls,
.Which ho .kept in an underground aviary*
While Titian was using rose-madder,
His model was climbing a ladder;
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.
There was a Victorian miss
Who thought it the acme of bliss;
To rub herself silly
With the bud of a lily,
And go out in the garden and piss*
A lesbian girl from Khartoum
Took a pansy boy up to her room;
Before starting the night
He said, "Let's get this right,
Who does which,,and with what, and to whom?"
There was a young plumber named' Dee,
Who v/as plumbing his girl by the sea;
Said the girl, "Stop plumbing,
I hear someone coming J"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me»"
There was a young man from Malay,
Who fashioned a twat out of clay;
But it wasn't so slick
For it turned into brick,
And took off his foreskin, they say*
There was an old hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave;
He said, "I J11 admit
I*m a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save;"
Ml

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a. fucking machine,
Both concave and convex
It v/oMld fit either sex,
And besides, -it was easy to clean*
There was a young Bey from Algiers
Who said to his harem, "My dears,
I know you111 think it odd of me,
But Ifve given up sodomy,
Tonight I-111 have fucking* " — Loud Cheers J
There was a young lady from Spain
V/ho was ravished again and again;
And again and again
And again and again
And again and again and again*
There was a young lady from Reeling
Who had a delirious feeling,
She lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling*
There was a young Dutchman from Kent
Whose prick was so long that It behtj
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went*
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
Said he with a grin
. As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it."
There was a young fellow from Basal
Who found a remarkable fossil,•
He knew- by the bend
And the kink in the end,
It was that of St. Paul, the Apostle.
There was- a young couple named Kelley
Who were forced to walk belly to belly:
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
5^

There was a coeksucker named Leif
Who pushed the skin back with his teeth;
Ho adopted this measure
Not only for pleasure,
But to get at the cheese underneath*
There was a young man from Dundee,
Who buggered an ape up a tree;
The result v/as most horrid
All chin and no forehead,
Thx*ee balls, and a purple goatee♦
There was a young lady named Rhoda
Who lived in a Chinese pagoda;
And the walls of its halls
Were bedecked with the balls
Of the tools of the fools who bestrode fer.
On the bridge stood the Bishop of Buckingham
Thinking of teats and of sucking 'em;
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks who were fucking them,
There was a young man of St* Claire,
Who diddled his girl in a chair,
On the forty-ninth stroke
The furniture broke,
And his gun went off in the air.
There was a young girl from Detroit
Who at fucking v/as very adroit;
She could contract her vagina
To a pin point or fina
Or throw it out wide like a quoit*
There was a young monk from Siberia,
Whose life got wearia and wearla;
With a whoop and a yell
He escaped from his cell.,
And buggered the father superia.
There was a young man from Gape Horn
Who wished ho had never been borne;
And he v/ouldn-1 fc have been
.If his father had seen
That the end of the oondmn was torn,
51

There, was a young fellow named 'Hyde
■7ho fell in an outhouse and died;
He had a brother
Who fell in another,
And now they1re in terd side by side.
There was a young man from Salinas
Who boasted a very long penis,
And believe it or not
When he lay on a cot,
It would stretch from Suisun to Bolxnas*
There was a young lady from Reno
Who 'lost all her dough playing keenoj
So she lay on her back •
And opened her crack,
And now she owns the casino.
Said the beautiful Madam Lepescu,
As she came to Rumania's rescue,
IfTo be under a King
Is a very fine thing;
Is democracy better, I esk you?n
A young man of high social station
Was found by a pious relation;.
On top, in a ditch,
Of, we won't say a bitch,
But a person of no education.
There once was a fellow named Skinner
Who invited a young girl to dinner,
At his rooms, rhey arranged
That the project be changed
So not dinner but Skinner went in her.
Thera was a young lady named Schuster
Who thought some one had seduced her
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream,
A bump'in the mattress had goosed her.
There was a comptroller named Mattis
Who by our testicles had us,
rtIf you don't suck my cock,
I'll toll lira. Bok,
And you'll never get anything gratis.!t
5a

There was a young couple fron Twistwith
Who coupled the origans they /pissed v/ith
And as they grew older,
They grew bolder and bolder
And coupled the organs they pissed with*
I am the king of Si tun
For women I give not a damn
My prride and my joy
Is -a rrround bottomed boy,
They cull me a fairy--I am,
On the breast of Charlotte the Harlot
Was printed the price of her tail
And on her behind,
For the aid of the blind
It was- also printed in braille.
A bishop named Father. HoGee
Went down in an alley to pee*
He said, "Pax Vobiscum,
Why doesn't the piss corne?"
"Or have I•the C-L-A-P?"
A certain young student of art,
Made a large anatomical chart;
Though his style was quite cubic
His interest was pubic,
So it turned out to look like a tart.
Said the charming young Sappho of Greece,
"The thing I love more than a piece,
Is to have my pudenda
Carressed by the tender
Affectionate tongue of my niece."
A charming young student of John's
Onednywas coddling the swans
Said the loyal hall porter,
"Sir, pray take my daughter,
The swans are reserved for the dons*"
There was* a young person named Barrage
Whose morals were much to disparage
He knocked up his mother
And sucked off his brother,
And lapped up his sister's miscarriage.
b3

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam/
Caressing the.loins of his madam.
In his. heart there was mirth
For in all this wide earth,
There were only two balls,--and he had 'em,
I went to the Duchess for tea
She said, "Do you fart \»hen you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when joxx shit?"
And thought it was one up for me•
There was a young girl from Boston Mass
Who went into the ocean up to her ankles.
I know it doesn't rhyme now,
But just wait until the tide comes in.
There was a young man from the War Office
V/ho dated a girl from a Whore Office.
The girl without pause
Drew off her drawers,
And the man from the War Office tore off '-his.
There was a young nudist from Putnam
Whose tool caught in doors upon shuttin' !em.
He said that, "Perchance ,
It would help to wear pants
If I just could remember to button 'em.
There was a young fellow, from Boston
Who took his girl out in an Austin*
There was room for the lass
And for part of his ass
But his balls hung out back and he lost 'em.
There once was a man from Podjuanami
Who was skilled both at rape and at sodomy
To the judge at his trial
He said with a smile,
"Dos tings, dey just never do bodder me#"
There was a young woman of Sparta
Who was a most excellent farter*.
She could toot with her ass
Bach's 3 minor 'Mass
Or Beethoven's Lloonlight Sonata.

A lass of doubtful nativity
Had an ass. of extreme sensitivity.
She could sit on the lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect fifth column activity,,
A president called Garnbetta ^
Once used an Imperfect French fetter,
This was not the worst,
With disease he got cursed
And he took a long time to get better.
There .was a young girl from Vistula
To whom a friend said "Jeff has kissed you, ha!"
She said "Yes by god!
. But my arse he can't sod,
Because I am troubled with fistula."
There was an old Chinaman drunk
\7ho went for a sail in his junk,
He was dreaming of Venus.
And tickling his penis,
•Til he floated away in the spunk.
There was a young ?nan of Kashmir
Who purchased a fine Bayadere;
He fucked all her toes,
Her mouth, eyes, and her nose
And eventually poxed her left ear.
There was a young party of Bicister
V/ho wanted to bugger-his sister,
But not liking dirt
He bought him a squirt,
And cleaned out her arse with a clyster.
There was a young man of King's Cross,
Who amused himself frigging a horse,
Then, licking the spend
!7hxch .still dripped from the end,
He said "It tastes just like anchovy sauce."
There Is a new Baron of 'Vokingham
The girls say he don!t care for poking fem.
Preferring "MInetti";
Vfhich is pleasant, but yet
There is one disadvantage, his choking * em.
ss

There was an Archbishop of Rhiens
Who played with himself in his dreams ;
On his night-shirt in front
He painted a cunt,
Which made his 3pend gush forth in streams,
There was a young man of Newminister Court
Buggered a pig, but his prick was too short;
Said the hog HItf3 not nice,
But pray take my advice,
Make tracks or by the police you1'!! be caught,
A parson who lived near Cremorne
Looked down on all women with scorn,
E'en a boy's fat white burn
Could not make him.come;
But an old man's piles gave him a horn,
A cheerful old part of Hucknow
Remarked FtI sh ould just like a fuck now.It
So he had one and spent
And said "I'm content;
By no means mi I so cunt-struck now.
There was a young man of Peru
Who lived upon'clap juice and spew
When these palled to his taste
He tried, some turd paste
And said that was very good, too.
There was a young girl of Ostend
Who her maidenhead tried to defend,
But a Chasseur D'Afrique
Inserted his prick
And taught that ex-maid how to spend*
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who tried to write t!CuntM on a shutter.
When he got to C-U
A pious Hindu
Knocked him arse over head in the gutter*
There was a young man from Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking a friend.
11 It's no use my duck
Interrupting our fuck
For I'm damned if I'll draw 'til I spend*

There v/as a young man of "Vood Ore en
v/ho tried to fart "God save the Queen"
When he reached the soprano
Me shot forth his (piano
And his breeches weren't fit to be seen*
There was a young lady of Troy
V/ho invented a new kind of joy.
She sugared her quim
Both outside and in,
And then had it licked by a hoy.
There -was. a young man of Santander
Who tried hard to bugger a gander,
But the virtuous bird
Plugged his prick with a turd
And refused to such low tastes to pander,
There was a young farmer of Kant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant;
He fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins
In addition, of course, to his aunt,
There was an old man* of Tantivy
Who followed his son to the privy;
He lifted the lid
To see what he did,
And found that it smelt of caplvi.
There was a young man of this Nation
Who didn't much like fornication;
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He said, "No, I just suck
Women3! .quims, and I like masturbation.tf
There was an old person named Sark
Who buggered a pig in the dark;
The swine, in surprise
Murmured, "God damn your eyes,
Do you take me for Boulton or Park?"
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt clean with a rafcorj
The crabs in a lump
Hade tracks to her rump,
Which proceeding did greatly amaze her.
51

There was a young lass of Surat
The chocks of whose arse v/ere
Thoy had to be parted
V.lie n e v e r she f a r t ed
And also, 'whenever she shat«
50 fat
There was a young parson of Elton
Who seldom fucked whores, but oft felt 'en;
In the lane he would.linger
And play at Mstick-finger"
And then on the way home he smelt fem,
There .v/as a gay parson of Looting
Whose roe he v/as frequently shooting
fTil he married a lass
With a face like my ass
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in,
A learned divine down at Buckingham
Wrote a treatise on cunts and on fucking 'em;
And a learned Pharisee
Taught him Oamahuche
So he added a chapter on sucking 'em,
There v/as a young lady of Harrow
Who complained that her cunt was too narrow;
For times without number
She would use a cucumber
But could not accomplish a marrow*
There was a young lady of Glasgow
And fondly her lover did ask r,0h
Pray allow me a fuck.rf
But she said, ,rNo, my duck,
But you may, if you please, up my arse go*rl
There v/as a young man with the art
Of making a capital tart
With a handful of shit
some' snot and some spit,
And hefd-flavor the whole with a fart*
There v/as a young lady of Treedle
Who sat dov/n in Uhurch oh a needle;
The needle, not blunt,
Penetrated her' cunt,
But was promptly removed by the Beadle
5%

.There was. a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal;
V7hile one man in front
Fucked into her cunt,
Another one worked on her arsehole.
There was a young parson of Goring
who made a small hole in the flooring;
He lined it all 'round
Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
There was a young lass of Dalkeeth
Who frigged a young man with her teeth
She complained that he stunk
Not so much from the spunk,
But his arsehole was just underneath*
There was a young Jew of Torbay
Who buggered his father one dayj
Said he ,rIfd much rather
Thus bugger my father
Because there is nothing to..pay.11
There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'unj
To make up for this loss
He had "balls like a hoss,
And never spent less than a quart-urn.
There was a young man at the Cape
On a maiden committed a rape;
She said, tfYou damned shit,
You can't fuck a bit,
And you're knocking my arse out of shape ♦ "
There was a young parson of Harridge
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage;
She said, "No, you young goose,
Just try self abuse,.
And the other we'll save til our marriage.0
There was a young man of St. Paul's
Who hpd .the most useless of balls;
'Til at last, at the Strand,
He managed- a stand,
And tossed himself off in the stalls

There was a young man of Berlin
Whom disease had despoiled of his skin;
But he said v/ith much pride
"Though deprived of my hide,
I still can enjoy a put in."
There was a young woman of Cheedle
Who once gave the clap to a Beadle.
Said she, "Does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle.
There was a young nan of Rangoon
Who farted and filled a balloon;
The baloon went so high
It stuck in the sky,
And stank out the I/Ian-in~ the-41o on.
There was a young man dressed in tweed
Who sucked his wife's arse through a reed;
When she had diarrhea
He'd let none come near her
For fear they would poach on his feed.
There was an old man of Balbriggin
Who cunt juice was frequently swiggin'
But even to this
He'preferred tom-cats' piss,
Which he kept a poxed nigger to frig in*
A cabman who drove in Biarritz
Once frightened a fare into fits;
When reproved for a fart,
He said, "God bless yer heart,
When I breaks wind I u^uaJJ^ shits."
A young woman got married at Chester
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her
She said "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Liecester.
There, was a young fellow from Rheims
Who.was greatly annoyed by wet dreams
So he saved up a dozen
To send to his cousin
She ate them and thought they were creams.

There was a young fellov; from Florida
Who liked a nan13 wife 30 he borrowed hor.
fie said v/ith a sigh,
With" his. hand on her thigh,
"This Isn't a'cunt, it's a corridor."
There was a strong man of Drunrig
Who one day did seven tines frig;
He buggered three sailors,
A jew and two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.
There -was an Old lian of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain;
Fifteen times had he spent
Still he wasn't content,
He simply was wearied of countin'.
There was a young man of Nantucket
Who went down' a well in a bucket;
The last words he spoke
Before the rope broke,
Were;."Arsehole, you bugger and suck it,"
There was an old man of Connort
Whose prick was remarkably short
When he got into bed,
His old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
There was a gay countess.of Bray
And yoti might think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Birth, and education,
She always spelt "cunt" with a "K"»
There was an old parson of Lundy
Pell asPeep in his vestry on Sunday;
He awake with a scream
"What! Another wet dream!".
This-comes of not frigging since Monday.
There v/as a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you. are*"
Said the girl "What damned rot!
Why> you've oft felt my twat,
My legs, and my arse, and my figua."
£.1

II y avait uri jeune homme de Dijon,
Qu e n ' a v a i t (iue p e u d o r o 1 i ;■: i on •
II alt: "Quant a moi ,
Je doteste tous les trois,
Le Pere, et le Fils, et le Pigeon--
'There was a young girl of Spitsbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
Till they found her in bed,
With her quim verj red,
And the head of a kid just emorgin' .
There was an old nan at the Terminus,
Whose bush and whose bum were all verminous.
They said: "You .^sale Boche!
You really must wash
Before you start planting your sperjm.. in us,"
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Who was plumbing a girl o^j the sea.
When she said, "Some one's coming!11
He answered (still plumbing):
"If- any one's coming, it's me."
There was an old girl from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny.
For the half of that sum
You might roger her bum--
A source of amusement to many.
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said: "What I prefer to a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece."
There were two young men of Cav/npore,
Who buggared and fucked the same whore.
But the partition split,
And the spunk and the shit
Rolled out in great lumps on the floor.
There was a young girl of Pitlochry,
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
She said: "Oh! You've cone
All over my bunr;
This isn't a fuck--it's a mockery."
£>G*

There was a young lady at sen.,
v/ho complained that it hurt her to pec*
Said the brawny old mate:
"That accounts for the fate
Of the cook, and the captain, and me0M
There was a young man of Newcastle,
V/ho tied up a shit in a parcel,
And sent it to Spain
■ With a note to explain
That it came frorn his grandmother! s arsell.
There was a young mate of a lugger,
V/ho took out a girl just to hug her.

^I've my monthliesy she said,
"And a cold in the head,
But my bowels work well....do you buggar?"
There was a young woman who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay.
Then, calling a ploughman,
She said: "Do it now, manI
Don't wait till your hair has turned grey!"
There was a young man of Devizes,
W\ose balls were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all;
The other took numerous prizes.
There was a young man of Australia,
V/ho painted his bum like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
The scent—ahJ That was a failure.
There was a young man of Bengal,
V/ho went to a fancy-dress ball.
Just for a whim
He dressed up as.a quim,
And v/as had tiy the dog in the hall.
There.was an old man of Brienz,
The length of whoso- cock v/as immense.
With one swerve he could plug
A boyfs bottom in Zug
And a -kitchen-midf s cunt in Coblenz.
63

Tnere was an old man of Corfu,
who feci upon cunt-juice and spew,
V/hon he could a * t get this ,
He fed upon piss--
And a bloody good substitute, too,
There was a young lady of Kew,
V/ho said, as the curate withdrew:
"I prefer the dear vicar;
He's longer and thicker;
Besides, he comes quicker than you."
There was a young girl of Penzance,
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
The passengers fucked*her,
Likewise the conductor;
The driver shot off in his pants.
There was an.'old man of the Cape,
Who buggared a Barbary ape.
The ape said, "You foolI
You've got a square tool;
You*ve buggared my arse out of shape."
There was an old man of Stamboul
With a varicose vein in his tool.
In attempting to come
Up a little boy's bum
It burst, and he did look a fool.
There was a young curate of Buckingham,
V/ho was blamed by the girls for not fucking
He said: "Though my cock
Is as hard as a rock,
Your cunts are too slack. Put a tuck in fe
There was a young lady of Twickenham, .
Who regretted that men had no prick in !em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen, and strengthen, and thicken fe
There was an old Abbot of Khief,
Who thought the -Impenitent Thief
Had Dollocks of brass,
And an amethyst arse.
He died in this awful belief.

There v/as a young fellow called Grant,
V;ho was made like the Sensitive plant,
When asked: "Do you fuck?"
He replied; "No such luck!11
I would if I'could, but I can't."
There was a young girl of Samoa,
Who determined that no one should know her,
One young fellow tried,
But she wriggled aside,
And spilled all the spermatozoa*
There was a young lady of Thun,
V/ho was D locked by the .Fan in the Ho on.
"Well, it has been great fun,"
She remarked when hefd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
There was an old man who could piss
Through a ring--and, what's more, never miss
People came by the score
And bellowed; "Encore!
Won't you do it again, Sir? Bis! Bis!"
There was a young man of Peru,
Who was hard up for something to do.
So he took out his carrot,
And buggared his parrot,
And sent the results to.the Zoo.
There was. a young monk of Siberia,
V/ho of frigging grew weary and wearier.
At last, with a yell,
He burst from his cell,
A.nd buggared the Father Superior*?
There was a young lady of Slough,
V/ho said that she didn't know how.
Then a young fellow caught her.,
And jolly well taught her--
She lodges in Pimlico now.
There was a young Royal-Marine,
V/ho tried to fart, "God save the Queen."
When he reached the soprano
Out came the guano$
And his breeches weren't fit to be seen.
65

tThere was a young girl who would make
Advances to snake? after snake.
She said: "lTm not vicious,
But so superstitious!
I do it for Grandmarna!s sake."
There was an old man of Madrid,
Who cast loving eyes on a kid.
He said: "Oh, ray joy!
I'll buggar that boy
You see if I don't." --and he did.
There was a young fellow called Gary,
Who got fucking the Virgin Mary.
And Christ was so bored
At seeing Ma whored
That he set himself up as a fairy.
There was a young lady named Skinner,
Who dreamed that her lover was in her.
She woke with a start,
And let a loud fart,
Which was followed by luncheon and dinner.
I dined with the Duchess of Lee,
Who asked: "Do you fart when you pee?fr
I said with some wit:
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it v/as one up to me*
There was an old buggar of Come,
Who suddenly cried: "Ecee Homo!"
He tracked his man down
To the heart of the town,
And gobbled him off in the duomo.
Said the venerable Dean of St. Paul*s:
"Concerning them cracks in the walls--
Do you think it would do,
If we filled them with glue?"
The Bishop of Lincoln said: MBalls!"
There v/as a young man of Peru,
Who dreamt he was had by a Jew.
He woke up at night
In the Hell of a fright,
And found it v/as perfectly true*
t?^2

There was a. young man of Madras,
Who was having a boy in the grass,
When a cobra-cap el lo
Said: "Hello, young fellow*"
And bit a piece out of his arse.
There was a young lady of Louth, •
Who returned from a trip in the South.
Her father said; "Nelly,
There's more in your belly
Than ever went in at your mouth."
The girls who frequent picture-palaces
Set no store by psychoanalysis.
And though Mr. Freud
Is greatly annoyed,
They cling to their old-fashioned phalluses.
There was a young man of Loch Leven,
Who went for a walk about seven.
He fell into a pit
That was brimful of shit,
And now the poor buggar's In Heaven.
Then up spake the Bey of Algiers:
"I am old and well striken in years,
And ray language is blunt;
But,a cunt is a cunt,
And fucking is fucking."--(loud cheers)
Then up spake the young King of Spain:
"To fuck and to buggar is pain*
But itts not infra dig.
On occasion to YrTg,~
And I do it again and again.

There was a young Jaciy of Treedle
-Who sat down in church on a needle,
The needle, not blunt,
Penetrated her cunt,
But was pi^omotly removed by the beadle,
There was a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal
While one man in front
Fucked into her cunt,
Another one worked on her arsehole*
There was a young parson of Goring
vfno made a small hole in the flooring,
He lined it all !round,
Then laid on the ground
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
There was a young lass of Dalkeeth
Who frigged a young man with her teeth.
She complained that he stunk
Not so much from the spunk,
But his arsehole was just underneath.
There was a young Jew of Torbay
Who buggered his father one day.
Said he "I'd much rather
Thus bugger my father
Because there is nothing to pay."
There was a gay parson of Norton
Y/hose prick, although thick, was a short !un.
To make up for this loss
He had balls like a hoss,
And never spent less than a quart-urn*
There was a young lady named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her anus near Dallas.
There was a young man named DeVries
Who was necking his girl on his knees.
He said, "When we kiss,
You may hold on to this,
But be very'careful of these • "
4%

A boy and a girl from St. Stephen
A phone booth used for some teaming
He made his connection,
A super-erection,
They drowned in eight feet of semen.
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals v;ere slightly inferior
He did to a nun
YJhat he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a mother Superior*
A blasphemous bucko named Boke
Thought civilization a joke
Said he, "Clothes primeval
Are the cure for all evil,
If I don't shed this necktie, I111 choke*,!
There was a young bishop of Birmingham
liho' ravished young girls while confirming fem.
With liturgical chants,
He would lower their pants
And inject the episcopal sperm in fenw
A pallid young man of Great Falls
Read Harpers Bazaar and McCalls.
And, filled with a passion
For the Haute monde of fashion
He knitted a snood for his balls0
Jhere was a young lady of Natchez'
V/hose clothing was always in patches
YJhen acquaintances made comments
On the state of her garments
She said, "VJhere I itches, I scratches.tr
There was a young lady of Bangor
Vlho slept in a schooner at anchor.
She awoke in dismay
To hear the mate say,
"Let's raise, up the top sheet and spanker."
A young nurse and a colonel named Crandall
To be sure and avoid a great scandal
Each took a drink,
He pulled off in the sink
And she diddled herself with a candlee
D 1

A pretty young blond named Hehru
Decided to learn how to screw•
After two weeks of friggin
With Joseph i'cGiggen
She found that she'd learned nothing new*
There was. a young lady from Sidney
VJho could take it clear up to her kidney
A young man from Quebec
Pushed it up to her neck
Nov/ he had a big one, didnft he?
There was a young girl from Seattle
Whose pleasure wa's sucking off cattle
But* a bull from the south
got it stuck in her mouth
And made both of her ovaries rattle0
There was a young lady named Blaine
Whose face pas exceedingly plain,
But hep ass had a pucker
That made the boys fuck fer
Again and again and again.
There was a young fellow from Sparta
Who was a phenomenal farter
On one plate of beans,
He'd play HGod save the Queen"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
There was a young lady of Thrace
YJhose corsets grew harder to lace*
Her mother said, "Nellie,
-There's more in your belly*.*
Than ever came in through your face.11
There was a young fellow named Hansel
Whose tool was as sharp as a pencil
He went through his mistress,
Two sheets, and a mattress
And punctured the bedroom utensil•
There was a young fellow named Tencil
Whose penis was sharp as a pencil
He went through an actress,
Two sheets and a mattress
And fractured the bedroom utensil.
r)0

There v;as a young maid of Samoa
Y/ho allowed her best boy-friend to know her;
At the height of his .stride
She slipped deftly aside
And spilled, all his spermatozoa0
There was a young lady at Sea
Who found it grew painful to pee;
"AhaJ" said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the Purser, and Mel"
There was a young fellow named Milda
V<ho met a young lady named Hilda,
He said that he could,
And he should, and he would.
And he did, and he goddam near killed her*
There once was a maid from Siara
Who said to her love, young Kiam:
ffIf you rdake me, of course
You will have to use force,
But God knows you're stronger than I anwM
A clandestine lady named Maude
Managed to earn room and board.
Someone asked on the sly
How she ever got by.
She replied, !,It!s quite simple, I hoard."
I once had a classmate named Guesser
Ylhose knowledge got lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all—
And now he's a college professor♦
A Bostonian sub-deb named Brooks,
VJhose hobby was reading sex books,
Ensnared her a Cabot
Who looked like a rabbit
And deftly-lived up to his looks,
A young girl of doubtful nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
She could sit on the "lap
Of a Nazi or Jap
And detect fifth column activity.
]^

There y/as a young man from Calcutta
YJho greased up his tonsils with butter
Thus converting his snore
From a horrible roar
To a soft oleaginous mutter♦
There was a young bride of Antigua
Yfoose husband said "Dear me, how big you are."
Said the girl, mIhat damned ret J
Why, youfve oft felt my tv/at,
My legs and nny arse, and my figua*"
There was a strong man of Drumrig
V/ho one day did seven times frig,
He buggered four sailors,
A couple of tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig*
There was an Old Han of the Mountain
vTho jacked himself into a fountain.
Fifteen times had he spent,
Still he wasnft content.
He simply got tired of countin*.
There was an old man of Connort
Whose prick was remarkably short
7/hen he got into bed,
His old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
There was an old parson of Lundy
Fell asleep in his vestry on Sunday,
He awoke with a scream,
"YJhatl Another wet dreamI
This comes of not'frigging since Monday*"
There v/as a young man from the Cape
On a maiden committed a rape.
She said "You damned shit,
You can't fuck a bit,
And youife' knocking my arse out of shape.
There was a yound fellow named Harridge
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage
She said "No, you young goose,
Just try self abuse,
And the other we'll save 'til our marriage*"

There was a young man of St. .Paul's '
Possessed the most useless of balls
'Til at last, at the Strand,
He managed a stand,
And tossed himself off in the stalls.
There was a young man of Berlin
Y/hom disease had despoiled of-his skin
But he said with much pride,
"Though deprived of my hide,
I still can enjoy a put in'."
There was a young woman of Cheedle
Who once gave the clap to a beadle%
Said she "Does it itch?"
"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I piddle•"
There was a young man of Rangoon
VJho farted and filled a balloon
The balloon went so high
It stuck in the sky
And stank out the Han in the Moon*
There was a young man dressed in tweed
VJho sucked, his wife's arse through a reed#
When she had diarrhoea
Ke'd let none come hear her
For fear they would poach on his feed.
There was an old man of Balbriggen
Who cunt-juice was frequently swiggin'
But even to this
He preferred tom-cats' piss,
Yftiich he kept a poxed nigger to frig in.
A cabman v/ho drove in Biarritz
Once frightened a fare into fits.
\7hen reproved for a fart,
He said, "God bless yer heart,
V.Tien I breaks wind I usually shits."
A young woman got married at Chester
Her mother ^she kissed and she blessed her.
She said "You're in luck,
He's-a stunning good fuck,
For I've had. him myself down in Liecester.
H3

There was a young fellow fro a Rheims
Vlio was greatly annoyed by wet dreams.
So he saved up a dozen
To send to his cousin.
She ate them and thought they were creams*
There v/as a young fellow from Florida
v?ho liked a loan's wife so he borrowed her.
He said with a sigh,
And his hapd on her thigh,
"This isn't a cunt, it's a corridor*"
There was a young nan from Calaise
Who took .his girl out in a sleigh,
The affair was quite spicy
But his balls were so icy
That all he could shoot was parfait.
There v/as a young lady named Corrigan
VJho v/as mistress to J. Pierpont Morgan.
, But she handed the banker
A terrible shanker,
And now she's- just a plain whore again.
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
VJho said, nLove is one thing I do know,
The sheep, she is fine,
The woman—divine 1
But the llama es numero unol"
There was a young man from Rangoon
Yihose farts could be heard on the moon,
They'd roar down his rectum,
VJhen he least would expect 'em,
And burst like an Indian typhoon*
There was an old woman named Vick
VJho was suck5.ng a coal heaver's prick,
She said, "I don't funk
At a mouthful! of spunk,
But. the small of your arse makes me sick."
There was a young man from Rangoon
Vfno v/as born seven months too soon
He hadn't the luck
To-be born from a fuck,
But was scraped from the sheet with a spoon.
it

There was a young lady from Exeter
And all the young men craned their necks at her*
But one more brave,
Would take out and v/ave
The distinguishing sign of his sex at her#
There was a young lady of Glasgow
And fondly her lover did ask, "Oh
Pray allow me a fuck."
But she said, "No, my duck,
But you may, if you please, up my arse go,"
There was a young man with the art
Of making a marvellous tart
With a handfull of shit,
Some snot and some spit,
Atid he'd flavor the whole with a fart#
There was a young parson of Elton
Who seldom fucked whores, but oft felt *eru.
In the lane he would linger
And play at "stick-finger"
And then on the way home he smelt fenw
There was a gay parson of Looting
Whose roe he was frequently shooting
'Til he married a lass
With a face like my arse
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in,
There was a. young fellow from Boston
Who bought himself an old Austin
He had room for his.ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung down and he lost 'em*-
There was a young man from Bombay
Who liked to jack off in a sleigh
The air was so frigid
It froze his balls tfigid
And all he could shoot was frappe*
There was a young man named Adair
Who was. screwing his girl on the stair
On the 29th stroke
The bannister broke
So he polishod her off in midair*
T5

There was a woman from Y."orche-ster
Y.Tso thought a GI had seduced her.
She awoke with a scream
And found in her dream
A loose spring in the mattress had goosed h
.There was a young lady named ITilde
VJho kept herself pure, undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
The social diseases
And what she would do with a child*
There was a young man from Cape Horn
VJho wished that he'd never been born
And he wouldn't have been
But the rubber was thin
And in one little place it was torn*
There was a young man from Biarritz
Yflio planted an acre of tits
They came up- in the fall
Pink nipples and all
And he leisurely chewed them to bits,
There was a young man from Deprises
Whose balls were of different sizes,
One was so small
It was nothing at all
And the other took numerous prizes.
There was a young bishop from Dee
Y/ho stood taking a pee neath a tree
Ke said, "Pax vobiscum,
I can't make the piss cone,
I must have the C~L~A~P,!'
There was a young count from Slavoda
VJho wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
So with great savoir faire
She mounted a chair
And pissed"in his whiskey and soda.
There was a young man from St.' Paul
Y/hose tool was exceedingly small.
It was all right for key hole3
And little girls pee holes
But for fucking it was no good at alio
}b

There was a young whore from Australia
Who painted her twat like a dahlia
The colors were fine
In symmetric design
But the smell was a horrible failure,
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion
As she jumped into bed
To hfer lover she said
"This is one thing that bastard can't ration.tf
There was a young man from Rabaul
Who had a hectagonol ball.
The"sum of its weight
Times the square root of eight
Was equal to no ball at alio
A sexy young lady from Ransom
Had forty affairs with her handsome.
When she asked for some more
A voice from the floor
Said, ftLady, Ifm Simpson, not Sampson*ff

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