Penultimate Rugby Songs (1991)

This book is a reprint of Malcolm Jones' Australian book of the same title. This pirate edition is offset reprinted and purposefully removes Malcolm's introduction and the header with his name

THE PENULTIMATE BOOK OF
RUGBY SONGS
AND OTHER
SOCIALLY TASTELESS VERSE

THE PENULTIMATE BOOK OF RUGBY SONCS i

CONTENTS

SHORT SONGS AND VERSE

A DANGEROUS PLACE.....................................1
A TENDER MEMORY......................................1
A TOAST TO BEER.......................................2
A TOAST TO MADGE.....................................2
ABYSSINIA............................................3
ALICE BLUE GOWN......................................3
ARSEHOLE CHARCOAL....................................4
BALL BOYS QUARTET.....................................4
BE KIND TO YOU WEB FOOTED FRIENDS.........................5
BEDTIME STORY........................................5
BEER IS BEST..........................................6
BESTIALITY'S BEST.......................................6
BILL BAILEY..........................................7
BOB MENZIES'S BALLS....................................7
BRING ME A BOY.......................................8
BRITISH GRENADIERS.....................................8
BROTHER JOHNNY.......................................9
BY THE LIGHT.........................................9
CAN YOU WALK A LITTLE WAY WITH IT IN......................10
CHIN CHIN CHINAMAN....................................10
CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE MESS HALL.......................... 11
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN................ .....................11
CIGARETTES AND SAKE...................................12
COLD.................,............................12
COME AWAY MY LOVE WITH ME............................ .13
COME, LANDLORD, FILL THE FLOWING BOWL.....................13
COMMERCIAL ADVERTISING................................14
CORRESPONDENCE......................................14
COURT OF THE HORNY FIVE SWEETHEART SONG...................15
DAN, THE WATERWORKS MAN.............................. .15
DINKY DIE ...........................................16
DIRTY OLD BROWN.....................................16
DON'T SAY KNOW......................................17
DRUNK LAST NIQHT...........................,.........17
DUREX IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND............................. 18
EYES RIGHT.......................................... 18
FANNY BAY.....................,....................19
FARMER'S DAUGHTER....................................19
FASCINATING BITCH.....................................20
FATHER OPLYNN.......................................20
FIGHTER PILOTS' LAMENT.................................21
FROM THE WHORES OF MONTEZUMA..........................21
FUCK 'EM ALL........................................22
GIVE ME OPERATIONS....................................22
HE'S A DIRTY BASTARD...................................23
HERE'S TO (YOUR COUNTRY)...............................23
HERE'S TO THE BREEZES.................................. 24
HERE'S TO THE GIRL THAT I LOVE BEST ,......... ...............24
HERE'S TO THE GIRL THAT LIVES ON THE HILL...................25
HERE'S TO THE GOOD OLD WHISKY...........................25

SHORT SONGS AND VERSE
HERE'S TO THE LOUSY, STINKING WOWSERS......................26
HERE'S TO THE SPLIT....................................26
HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL............................27
HOLD "EM DOWN YOU ZULU WARRIOR.........................27
HONEST GIRL .........................................28
HOW MUCH TO OLDHAM?.................................28
HURRAH FOR.........................................29
I LOVE A LASSIE.......................................29
I LOVE MY WIFE.......................................30
I'M YOUR MAILMAN.....................................30
IF................................................31
IN FAR GLAMORGAN....................................31
IN THE SHADE OF THE OLD APPLE TREE ........................32
INCEST TIME IN TEXAS...................................32
JACK AND JILL........................................33
JEAN BAPTISTE........................................33
JOHN BROWN'S COCK....................................34
JOHN PEEL...........................................34
JUNGLE MENU.........................................35
KHARTOUM..........................................35
KNOCKERS...........................................36
LA MARSEILLAISE......................................36
LAST NIGHT I PULLED MY PUD..............................37
LET ME CALL YOU SWEETHEART.............................37
LITTLE RED HEN.......................................38
LORD ST CLANCY......................................38
LUPE..............................................39
LYDIA PINK..........................................39
MARIA............................................. .40
MARRIAGE A LA MODE...................................40
MARY BOX. ..........i...............................41
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB................................41
MOLL HOUSE 401.......................................42
MONTE CARLO........................................42
MOTHER KELLY'S WHORESHOP..............................43
MRS PUGGY WUGGY.....................................43
MY LITTLE PINK PANTIES..................................44
MY OLD FLO..........................................44
MY WIFE, MY MAID AND I.................................45
NELLIE HAWKINS.......................................45
OH I WOULD LIKE A BABY BY YOU...........................46
OH, JOHNNY...........................................46
OLD BOY............................................47
ON TOP OF OLD SOPHIE...................................47
PENFRIENDS..........................................48
PISSING ABOUT ON THE RIVER..............................48
PLEASE DO NOT TREAD ON xMY BALLS.........................49
PLEASE DONT BURN OUR SHITHOUSE DOWN.....................49
PSALM.............................................50
PUBIC HAIR..........................................50
RAMONA............................................51
RASTUS.............................................51
RIP MY KNICKERS AWAY..................................52
ROYAL MARINE........................................52

THE PENULTIMATE BOOK OF RUGBY SONGS m

SHORT SONGS AND VERSE
RUGBY BOYS......................................... 53
RULE BRITANNIA.......................................53
SAM...............................................54
SIDE BY SIDE.........................................54
SILVER HAIR AMONGST THE COLD............................55
SING SING OR SHOW US YOUR RING...........................55
SIT ON MY FACE.......................................56
SMALL BOYS.........................................56
STORMY WEATHER BOYS..................................57
SUSIE..............................................57
SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT...............................58
TAKE ME OUT TO THE RUGGER ..............................58
TEAM CHANT.........................................59
THAT'S TORN IT........................................59
THE BALLS OF OLEARY..................................j60
THE CHILD THAT I CARRY.................................60
THE COUNTRY GENTLEMAN................................61
THE COW KICKED NELLIE.................................61
THE CUCKOO.........................................62
THE DILL DOLDRUMS....................................62
THE DOGGIES MEETING...................................63
THE HARLOTS OF BAGHDAD................................63
THE HORSE AND THE COW.................................64
THE HOUSEKEEPERS'S DAUGHTER............................ .64
THE KEW BUS QUEUE.............. . . ....................65
THE PHEASANT PLUCKER..................................65
THE ROAD TO GUNDAGAI.................................j66
THE SHEIK OF THE LAVATORY..............................66
THE VICAR IN THE DOCKYARD CHURCH........................67
THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER...........................67
THE WEE WEE SONG.....................................68
THERE WAS A PRIEST, THE DIRTY BEAST........................68
THESE FOOLISH THINGS...................................69
THEY SAY THAT IN THE ARMY..............................69
TIDDLY WINKS OLD MAN..................................70
TOGETHER...........................................70
TRYING.............................................71
TWENTY TOES.........................................71
VICTORY SONG........................................72
VINCENT VAN GOGH.....................................72
VIOLET TIME..........................................73
WHEN I WAS ONLY SEVENTEEN..............................73
WHY WAS HE BORN SO BEAUTIFUL...........................74
WIRRAWAYS DONT WORRY ME..............................74
WOMEN OF PAPUA......................................75
YOUR SPOONING DAYS ARE OVER............................75

LONGER SONGS AND VERSE
A HARLOT WENT A WALKING...............................76
A LUSTY YOUNG SMITH...................................77
A MINER COMING HOME ONE NIGHT..........................78
ABORTION...........................................79
ABSOLUTELY BUGGER ALL................................ .81
ALCOHOLICS' ANTHEM....................................82
ALL THE BOYS GO WHACK WHACK WHACK......................83
ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A CANDLE.........................84
ALOUETTE..................,........................85
ANCIENT OLD IRISH FRENCH LETTER..........................86
ANTI WAR PANACEA.....................................87
BALL OF YARN........................................88
BARNACLE BILL (WHO'S THAT KNOCKING AT MY DOOR)..............89
BELL BOTTOM TROUSERS..................................91
BIONIC FRED....................,....................92
BLACK EYED SUSIE.....................................93
BLESS EM ALL........................................94
BLINDED BY SHIT...................................... 95
BLOW THE CANDLE OUT..................................96
BLUE VEIN.......................................... .97
BOY MEETS GIRL............................,..........99
BRIAN BORU....................,....................100
BYE, BYE, BLACKBIRD...................................101
CAL DRINKING SONG....................................102
CAROLINA...........................................103
CATS ON THE ROOFTOPS................................ . 104
CHARLOTTE THE HARLOT.................................108
CHARLOTTE THE HARLOT LAY DYING......................., . 110
CHICAGO...........................................Ill
CHRISTOPHER AND ALICE................................. 112
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBO..................................113
CLEMENTINE.........................................114
COMIN' THRO¹ THE RYE..................................115
CRAVEN A..........................................116
DArSY.............................................117
DANIEL MORGAN.......,..............................118
DARK AND DREAMY EYES................................119
DARLING GRACE.......................................122
DID YOU EVER SEE.....................................123
DINAH.............................................124
DINAH WONT YOU BLOW................ .................125
DING'A DONG........................................126
DO YOURS HANG LOW...................................127
DON'T SEND YOUR DAUGHTER TO THE SHOP.....................128
DOWN IN THE VALLEY...................................129
DRINKS ALL AROUND...................................130
ENGINEER'S SONG..................,....................131
ERIE CANAL.........................................132
ESKIMO NELL.......,..................,............ . .133
FARTING CONTEST.......................,.............137
FATHER'S GRAVE......................................139
FOUR OLD WHORES FROM WINNIPEG..........................140
GLORIOUS...........................................141

THE PENULTIMATE BOOK OF RUGBY SONGS y
LONGER SONGS AND VERSE
GLORIOUS BEER.......................................142
GOD BLESS THE BASTARD KING OF ENGLAND.................... 143
GRANDFATHER'S COCK...................................144
GUNGA DIN..........................................145
HARLEQUIN'S LAMENT...................................146
HERE'S MY TOAST.................................... . .147
I DONT KNOW WHAT HIS NAME IS............................148
I DONT WANT TO JOIN THE ARMY...........................149
I DREAMED MY LOVE LAY IN HER BED........................150
I WILL, IF YOU WILL, SO WILL I............................,151
IF I WAS THE THE MARRYING KIND..........................152
IN MOBILE..........................................153
INSIDE THOSE RED PLUSH BREECHES..........................156
ITS LONESOME AWAY...................................157
ITS TIME THE POOR BASTARD WAS DEAD......................158
IVAN SKAVINSKY SKAVAR (ABDUL A BUL BUL AMIR)...............159
JESUS SAVES.........................................160
KNOBBY HALL........................................161
LARGE BALLS (ARCHIBALD CLARE)........................... 162
LETITIA HAS A LARGE ONE................................164
LIFE PRESENTS A DISMAL PICTURE...........................165
LIL...............................................166
LITTLE JIM..........................................167
LITTLE REDWING......................................168
LULU..............................................169
MADAMOISELLE FROM ARMENTIERES..........................171
MADEIRA...........................................173
MAGGIE MAY.........................................174
MARY.............................................175
MEN.............................................. 176
MISS MILLY..........................................177
MRS MURPHY.........................................178
MUIRLAND MEG.......................................179
MY BONNIE..........................................180
MY GOD HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN......................... 181
MY OLD MAN........................................182
NANCY BROWN.......................................183
NELLY CARTWRIGHT....................................184
NEVER WED AN OLD MAN.......,........................185
NO BALLS AT ALL.....................................186
O UNHAPPY BELLA.....................................187
O'REILLY'S DAUGHTER...................................188
ODE TO THE FOUR LETTER WORDS...........................189
OH WHAT A BEAUTY....................................190
OLD KING COLE.......................................191
OLD MACDONALD'S FARM.................................192
PAINFUL POEMS.......................................193
PASSENGERS SHOULD PLEASE REFRAIN........................194
PETE THE PIDDLING PUP..................................195
PICKLEDY PICKLEDY POX.................................196
POOR LITTLE ANGELINE..................................197
PULL ME DUNGAREES DOWN...............................199
PUMP AWAY.........................................200
PUT ON THE BUSTLE....................................201
QUEEN OF ALL THE FAIRIES...............................202

LONGER SONGS AND VERSE
RED FLAG...........................................203
RIDE ON.......................................... . .204
RING DANG DOO (RIM RAM ROO)............................205
RING THE BELL VERGER.................................207
ROLL ME OVER IN THE CLOVER.............................208
ROLL YOUR LEG OVER..................................209
RYE WHISKEY......................... ...............211
SALOME............................................212
SAMARAI SAL........................................213
SAMBO WAS A LAZY COON...............................215
SAVE A FIGHTER PILOTS ARSE........................., ... 216
SEVEN OLD LADIES.....................................217
SHE WAS POOR BUT SHE WAS HONEST........................218
SIR JASPER..........................................220
SISTER ANNA........................................ .221
SONG ABOUT TURDS.................................... 222
SONG OF POINT ONE FIVE................................223
SONG OF THE ENGINEER.................................224
SONG OF THE SABRES...................................225
SONIA SNELL.........................................226
STROLLING IN A MEADOW GREEN...........................227
SUNSTROKE..........................................228
SWEET VIOLETS.......................................229
TA RA RA BOOM DE YAY.................................230
TABLE MANNERS.................................. .... 231
THE ALPHABET (ANTHONY ROLLY)...........................232
THE BACHELORS SON...................................233
THE BALL OF KERRYMUIR................................234
THE BALLAD OF DAN HOMER..............................238
THE BALLAD OF MERRY MARY.............................240
THE BALLAD OF PROFESSOR JOHN GLAISTER.....................241
THE BASTARD FROM THE BUSH.............................243
THE CANBERRA BLUES..............,....................245
THE CHANDLER'S SHOP..............................., . . 246
THE CHASTITY BELT....................................247
THE DYING HARLOT....................................248
THE ERECTION FACTORY.................................249
THE FINEST FAMILY....................................251
THE FOGGY FOGGY DEW.................................252
THE GANG BANG SHOW................,.................253
THE GAY CABALERO (ROTO MARIO)..........................254
THE GIRLS FROM CAMPUS HALL............................256
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS..................................257
THE HARLOT OF JERUSALEM...............................261
THE HILLS OF ASSAM...................................264
THE HOLE IN THE ELEPHANT'S BOTTOM........................265
THE KEYHOLE IN THE DOOR...............................266
THE KINGS CROSS HARLOTS BALL...........................268
THE KOTEX FACTORY............... 1...................269
THE LATRINE SONG.....................................270
THE LAY OF THREE PROMINENT BASTARDS.....................271
THE LOBSTER (RO TIDDLY HO).............................273
THE MAID OF THE MOUNTAIN GLEN..........................274
THE MAYOR OF BAYSWATER...............................275
THE MOLE CATCHER....................................276

THE PENULTIMATE BOOK OF RUGBY SONGS jdi
LONGER SONGS AND VERSE
THE MONK OF GREAT RENOWN.............................277
THE MORE VULGAR MIND.................................278
THE NORTH ATLANTIC SQUADRON...........................279
THE OLD MAID.......................................280
THE PIG GOT UP AND WALKED AWAY.........................281
THE PORTIONS OF A WOMAN............................. . 282
THE QUARTERMASTERS STORE..............................283
THE RAJAH OF ASTRAKAN................ . . . '.............284
THE RAM OF DERBYSHIRE................................285
THE RUGBY BOYS ARE IN TOWN AGAIN........................286
THE S & M MAN......................................287
THE SAILOR'S PRAYER...................................288
THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL...........................289
THE SHEARER'S LAMENT.................................290
THE STREET OF A THOUSAND ARSEHOLES......................291
THE TATTOOED LADY...................................292
THE TINKER.........................................293
THE TRAVELLER.......................................294
THE TREE OF LIFE.....................................297
THE TULAGI SONG.....................................298
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS...........................299
THE TWELVE DAYS OF RUGBY..............................300
THE VALLEYS OF ASSAM...........................,.....301
THE VIRGIN STURGEON..................................302
THE WILD COLONIAL DON................................303
THE WILD WEST SHOW..................................304
THE WOMAN MARINE...................................308
THE WOODPECKER.....................................309
THERE WAS A PURITANICAL LAD............................310
THOSE OLD RED FLANNEL DRAWERS THAT MAGGIE WORE............311
THREE FARMERS' DAUGHTERS..............................312
THREE GERMAN OFFICERS................................313
THREE JEWS OF NORFOLK................................314
TIT BITS........................................... .315
TRIP TO HEAVEN......................................316
WALKING DOWN CRUMLIN................................318
WE'RE ALL QUEERS TOGETHER.............................319
WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO SAY....................320
WHEN LADY JANE BECAME A TART..........................322
WHOREDEAN SCHOOL...................................323
WILL YOU MARRY ME...................................325
WRECK OF THE NINETY SEVEN............................ . 326
YO HO.............................................327
YOU EXPECT ME......................................328
YOUNG ROGER OF KILDARE...............................329
ZULAIKA...........................................330
LADY PANKHURST'S SPEECH...............................331
OYSTERS IS AMOROUS...................................332
PROHIBITION IN THE HOME............................... .333
THE BRIDE'S LETTER....................................334
THE GODDAMN ISLES...................................341
SING US ANOTHER ONE, DO...............................342