The files texts were all downloaded from http://stuff.mit.edu/afs/athena/activity/h/humor/Really.crude/ on 29 June 2006. According to the Apache generated directory page, these files date from 1991-92. Of importance are some texts from a 1989 Phi Kappa Psi songbook, which was purportedly distributed to the fraternity's pledge class (at UCLA). Download the files here.
BANANA BREAD:
Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
1 Large Banana
2 Large Nuts
Mixing Directions
Look in laughing eyes, spread well shaped legs.
Slowly squeeze and massage milk containers very
gently, until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased.
Add banana and gently work in until well creamed.
NOTE: Bread is done when banana is soft. Be
sure to wash utensils and don't lick the
bowl.
If bread starts to rise, leave town!
.
TOP SEVEN DUMB THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR DICK:
7> Use it to discipline your pitbull
6> Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working.
5> Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster
4> Get a blow job from a cannibal
3> Substitute it for a golf tee
2> Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed
and number one: (drum roll please.....)
1> Screw the 15 year old daughter of a redneck Texan gun
salesman!
_Eat Bite_
Chorus:
Eat bite, fuck suck, gobble nible, chew,
Nipple bossum, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
Moose piss, cat pud, oragatang tit,
Sheep pussy, cow's crap, pigs lie in shit.
Ahhh, Fuck. Ahhh, Suck. Ahhh, Shit. Mmmmmmm.
I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks, and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts, and they took of their pants,
I had a hunch they weren't gonna dance!
Chorus:
Everybody's everybody's ass is bare,
Nobody's left 'cept the queer over their.
Whole damn thing didn't please me a bit,
So I jumped on the pile and grabbed me some tit!
Chorus:
My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil hockey!
Chorus:
The Engineers' Drinking Song (Lady Godiva)
^^^ ^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^^^
Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride
To show the royal villagers her fine and pure white hide
The most observant man of all, an engineer of course,
Was the only one who noticed that Godiva rode a horse
Chorus:
We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers
We can, we can, we can, we can, demolish forty beers
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum all day, and come along with us
'Cause we don't give a damn for any old man who don't give a damn
for us!
She said, "I've come a long, long way, and I will go as far
With the man who takes me from this horse and leads me to a bar
The man who took her from her steed and lead her to a beer
Was a bleary-eyed surveyor and a drunken engineer
Godiva was a lady well-endowed there is no doubt
She never wore a stitch of clothes, just wound her hair about
The first man who did make her was a Engineer, of course,
But on just one beer an artsie queer had made Godiva's horse
Ace towing roams the Cambridge streets each day and every night
Towing cars and stowing cars to hide them out of sight
They tried to tow Godiva's horse; the Engineers said, "Hey!"
Then towed away their towing truck, and now the Ace must pay!
Rapunzel let her hair down for two suitors down below,
So one of them could grab a hold and give the old heave-ho
The prince began to climb at once, but soon came out the worst,
For the Engineer rode up a lift, and reached Rapunzel first
Caesar set out for Egypt at the age of fifty-three
But Cleopatra's blood was warm, her heart was young and free
And every night when Julius said good-night at three o'clock
A Roman Engineer was waiting just around the block!
Sir Francis Drake and all his ships set out for Calais Bay
They'd heard the Spanish rum fleet was headed out that way
But the Engineers had beat them, by a night and half a day,
And though as drunk as ptarmigans, you could still hear them say:
The Army and the Navy went out to have some fun
They went down to the taverns where the fiery liquors run
But all they found were empties for the Engineers had come
And traded all their instruments for gallon kegs of rum
An artsman and an Engineer once found a gallon can
Said the artsman, "Match me drink for drink, let's see if you're a
man."
They drank three drinks, the artsman fell, his face was turning
green
But the Engineer drank on and said, "It's only gasoline!"
An Engineer once stumbled through the halls of Building 10
That night he'd drunken rum enough to drown a dozen men
In fact, the only things there were that kept him on his course
Were the boundary conditions and the Coriolis force
An MIT computer man got drunk one fateful night
He opened up the console and smashed everything in sight
When they finally subdued him, the judge he stood before,
Said, "Lock him up for twenty years, he's rotten to the core!"
Venus was a statue made entirely of stone
Without a stitch upon her she was naked as a bone
On seeing that she had no clothes, and Engineer discoursed
"Why, the damn thing's only concrete, and should be reinforced!"
A maiden and an Engineer were sitting in the park
The Engineer was working on some research after dark
His scientific method was a marvel to observe
While his right hand held the figures, his left hand traced the
curves
Princeton's run by Wellesley, and Wellesley's run by Yale
And Yale is run by Vassar, and Vassar's run by tail
Harvard's run by stiff pricks, the kind you raise by hand
But M.I.T. is run by Engineers, the finest in the land
MIT was MIT when Harvard was a pup
And MIT will be MIT when Harvard's time is up
And any Harvard Son of a Bitch who thinks he's in our class
Can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss the beaver's ass
An MIT surveyor once found the gates of Hell
He looked the devil in the eye, and said "You're looking well"
The devil looked right back at him, and said "Why visit me -
You've been through Hell already; you went to MIT!"
That engineer from MIT, he tried to enter heaven
Saint Peter told the engineer, "Get back to building 7!"
The engineer said he was damned if he was going home,
So he climbed atop the roof, and dropped through heaven's dome...
A friend in ol' New Haven called me up the other day.
He said he was depressed because he hadn't got an A.
I said to him, ``You idiot! Why did you go to Yale?
If you had come to MIT you'd still be on Pass/Fail!''
My father peddles opium, my mother's on the dole
My sister used to walk the streets but now she's on parole
My brother runs a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear
But they don't even speak to me, 'cause I'm an Engineer
And should there be a Harvard man a-strolling our Great Court
We'll fetch a pail of river gunk and make him drink a quart
The water of the River Charles can fix his every flaw
And the Engineers all drink it 'cause it makes us what we are
The Advantages of Fat
1. Fat people take 24 days longer to starve to death.
2. Fat people file 87% fewer sexual harassment complaints.
3. Fat people can buy stock in the Hostess Cupcake Company and eat
their way to wealth.
4. Fat people can usually take, win, place, and show in a sweating
contest.
5. Fat people hardly ever hurt themselves when they fall down-- they
just roll over in a corner.
6. Fat people can sneak in professional wrestling bouts by
pretending
they are participants.
7. Fat people help make the planet earth weigh more.
8. Fat people get their money's worth out of their heart and
gravity.
9. Fat people can go as elephants to costume parties by just adding
a
touch of grey paint.
10. Fat people can carry 8x10 photos of themselves because they
can't
get it all in a wallet size.
*****Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my Favorite
things*****
Short little kids getting killed in car crashes
Bandages covering deep wounds and gashes
Arms being broken and hanging in slings
These are a few of my favorite things
Horribly mangled men groaning and dying
Ripped and tyorn fingertips sizzling and frying
Pitiful insects deprived of their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Posthumous corpses with old rotten faces
Bullets in even the most remote places
Bombs that go off when the telephone rings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the sun shines
When the birds sing
When I'm feeling sad
I simply dismember my favorite limbs
And then I don't feel .... so bad
Dark yellow pills that cause bad burns and rashes
Clever machines that blind Arabs with flashes
Devices that choke you with wires and strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Scratching on blackboards to send your skin crawling
Marvellous beating and killing and mauling
Sewing your eyes shut with thin nylon strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Automobiles that don't stop for small weasels
Horrid vaccines that infect you with measles
Serums that simulate scorpion stings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the sun shines
When the birds sing
When I'm feeling sad
I simply dismember my favorite limbs
And then I don't feel .... so bad
------------------------------------
from the mental cellar of
John "the Pasteurizer" Underkoffler
Lambda Phi some year or other
******** FRATERNITY SONGBOOK LYRICS ********
These songs are from a 1989 Phi Kappa Psi songbook, which was
recently
distributed to the fraternity's pledge class (at UCLA).
S & M MAN (sung to the melody of "Candy Man")
Who can take his organ
Dip it in Vaseline
Ram it up inside you till it tickles your spleen
Chorus:
The S & M Man, the S & M Man
The S & M Man 'cause he mixes it with love
And makes the hurtin' feel good
The hurtin' feel good
Who can take your right wrist
Cuff it to a stool
Spin you around and whip you with his tool
(Chorus)
Who can take a dildo
Boil it 'til it's hot
Cover it with oil and ram it your twat
(Chorus)
Who can take a chainsaw
Shove it up your hole
Turn the fucker on and make a taco casserole
(Chorus)
Who can take a cheese grater
Rub it on your tits
Collect 'em all together and eat the little bits
(Chorus)
Who can take 2 ice picks
ram 'em in her ears
ride her like a harley with his dick stuck up her rear
(Chorus)
Who can take a homo
let him make a pass
take him round the back and kick his fucking ass
(Chorus)
Who can take a hammer
and an anvil too
lay your dick upon it and beat it till its blue
(Chorus)
Who can go to an abortion clinic
sneak around the back
rummage through the garbage and find a tasty snack
(Chorus)
Who can take your girlfriend
dress her up in lace
lay her on the bed & punch her in the face
(Chorus)
Who can take your grandma
bend her over on the lawn
fuck her up the ass while grandpa cheers you on
YO-HO
I placed my hand upon her toe
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
I place my hand upon her toe
She said "Phi Psi you're way too low"
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
I placed my hand upon her thigh
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
I place my hand upon her thigh
She said "Phi Psi you're way too sly"
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
I placed my hand upon her tit
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
I place my hand upon her tit
She said "Phi Psi go for the clit"
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
I placed my hand upon her snatch
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
I place my hand upon her snatch
She said "Phi Psi go for the hatch"
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
I placed my cock inside her mouth
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
I placed my cock inside her mouth
She said "Phi Psi AGH-AAAAA!!!"
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
We laid her out in a pine wood box
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
We laid her out in a pine wood box
She died from sucking a Phi Psi cock
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
We dig her up every now and then
Yo-ho, yo-ho
(repeat)
We dig her up every now and then
We fucked her once we'll fuck her again
Shove it in shove it out quit fuckin' about
Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
KAPPA SONG
Oh Kappa, Kappa, Kappa Gamma
Oh what a bitch I am
Sit on my face tastes like strawberry jam
Nobody knows how horny I am
Oh I'll fuck a Sigma, suck a Beta
There's a Phi Psi I just ate-a
Oh my God, just gotta get laid
Nobody knows how horny I am
Oh Kappa, Kappa, Kappa Gamma
Give me six inches that I can cram
Stick your face in my bearded clam
Nobody knows how horny I am
Oh I'll suck your dick I'll beat your meat
Oh your cum it tastes so sweet
I'm a Kappa that's in heat
Nobody knows how horny I am
CHI-O (sung to the melody of "Heigh-Ho")
Chi-O, Chi-O, it's off to bed we go
With any luck we'll get a fuck
Chi-O, Chi-O, Chi-O
Chi-O, Chi-O, it's off to bed we go
With whips and chains and choo-choo trains
Chi-O, Chi-O, Chi-O
Chi-O, Chi-O, It's off to bed we go
With plastic sheets and assorted meats
Chi-O, Chi-O
Perhaps the one of the most interesting and most colorful
words in the
English today is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word which,
just
by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. It
language,
"fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a
verb,
both transitive (John Fucked Mary), and intransitive (John fucked).
It
can be used as an active verb (John really gives a fuck), or a
passive
verb (John was fucked by Mary); or as an adverb (Mary is fucking
interested
in John), and a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an
adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
As you can see, there are very few words with the versitility of
"fuck." Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used
to describe many situations:
Greetings..............How the fuck are you.
Fraud..................I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay.................Oh, fuck it.
Trouble................Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression.............Fuck you!
Disgust................Fuck me!
Confusion..............What the fuck....??
Difficulty.............I don't understand this fucking business.
Despair................Fucked again.
Incompetence...........He fucks up everything.
Displeasure............What the fuck is going on here!?
Lost...................Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief..............Unfuckingbelievable!
Retaliation............Up your fucking ass!
It can be used as an anatomical description - "He's a fucking
asshole!"
It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this fucking
job?"
It can be used maternally - "You motherfucker."
It can be used politically - "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
And never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them
fucking
indians come from?" Also, the famous last words of Hiroshima: "What
the
fuck was that?" And last but not least, the immortal words of the
captain
of the Titanic: "Where is all this fucking water coming from?"
The mind fairly boggles at the creative uses of the word! How could
anyone
be offended when you say "fuck?" Use it frequently in your daily
speeck;
it will add to your prestige.
Today..........say to someone:
"FUCK YOU"
If you're squeamish or weak at heart, STOP NOW.
===============================================
These two guys were sitting in a bar that had a spitoon. The spitoon
was filled almost to the brim with old tobacco juice, flegm, and
other
refuse/secretions. After a few, one guy says to the other, "I'll
give
you $100 if you take a sip from that spitoon." The other guy
immediately grabs the spitoon and, lifting it to his lips, takes a
healthy slug. "All right, you win," says the first guy, but his
friend keeps gulping down the goop pouring out of the spitoon.
"Please stop, you're making me sick," says the first guy, but his
friend keeps chugging the flegm. "I can't stand it, I'll give you
another $100 if you stop!"
Finally, the spitoon is empty, and the guy puts it down and belches.
"Why didn't you stop" asks his disgusted friend? "I tried to, but it
was all one piece!"
------------------------
These two guys are stranded out in the desert with no food (and
little
water). They're starving to death, when they come upon a rotting
carcass of some unfortunate animal. Realizing he will starve if he
doesn't eat, one of the guys forces himself to eat the rotting
chunks
of flesh. He asks his friend if he wants any, since there's more
than
he can choke down. His friend refuses, saying he couldn't bear to
eat
it.
Later, his body can't stand the putrid, pustulent meal and he
vomits.
His friend eagerly begins scooping up the vomit and eating it. "I
thought you couldn't bear to eat that stuff," he says. "Yeah, but
now
it's HOT!"
----------------------
Why did cavemen stop dragging women by their ankles??
Because they kept filling up with dirt.
What is silent and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What is silent and smells like cum?
Gay farts.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What's the definition of confusion?
Two blind lesbians lost in a Sushi bar.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two hikers (Steve and Ted) who got lost while
traversing the Ozarks. So lost were these young boys, that the
closest search party was two hundred miles away. They had been lost
for two months, and their rations were exhausted. They were living
on
whatever berries and shrubs they came across. Their bodies were near
dehydration. Most of their supplies and equipment were lost during
various falls and other mishaps. Their clothes were tattered to the
point where they had almost no protection from the elements. Anyway,
to get to the point, they were fucked up.
Finally, one afternoon they smelled what seemed to be a campfire of
some sort. Following the smell, they came upon a small
weather-beaten
shack. Before they reached the porch, they were met by a crusty,
green-toothed, wart-faced, half-balding, lice-infested, and
generally
fucking gross looking dirt-bag of an old woman. She had a large
double-barreled shotgun aimed at them as she remarked, "You young
fellers look t'be lost. Betcha' lots hungry, too. I gots me lotsa
fresh picked corn, an' squashes, an' lotsa fresh cooked ham hocks
an'
fried chicken."
The hikers were almost writhing in anxiety, Ted worked up enough
energy to speak, "What do you want ma'am. We can pay you a lot of
money if you would just give us some food and help us call our
friends."
"I don't want your money." the old rat-bag sneered, "I'd be givin'
yo's all the vittles ya wants if one o' yo' be fuckin' me!"
The two boys were shocked, but in their condition, they knew they
had
no choice. They tossed their only coin, and Steve lost. Ted waited
on the porch and tried to quell his overwhelming pangs of hunger.
Inside, Steve was led to a stain-encrusted mattress in the middle of
the floor and told to disrobe completely. He did so, but asked if
the
old woman would darken the shack so that he could feel comfortable
enough to perform. She obligingly pulled all the shades, and as she
did, Steve noticed a bucket of freshly-shucked corn. When the old
crone returned and laid down Steve placed an ear of corn near his
limp
cock and proceeded to corn-bang the woman's over-sized twat.
After ten minutes, the skunk-breathed hag came in a puss-filled
stream
(I told you this was GROSS). Steve slid the corn through a knot-hole
in the wall and started to get up. "Just a minute, sonny!" screamed
the woman, "You aint goin' noplace 'til I's dun cumin'! Now get yore
cock stiff an' fuck me sum mo'!"
Steve grabbed another ear and reamed the old woman's cunt like there
was no tomorrow. She writhed and came in a piss-wave that almost
made
Steve puke his stomach inside out.
Again he slid the ear through the wall, and again the old hag
demanded
more. This went on at least a dozen more times, until the old
slut-bag passed out.
Steve pulled himself up and made his way to the door. "Ted!", he
cried, "Come on in, let's eat now."
"You go ahead, Steve, I'm already pretty full on all that corn you
slipped out to me."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom, Dick and Harry were college roommates. Tom and Dick might be
loosely classified as "students", as they made occasional attempts
to
study and maintain themselves so as to receive semi-respectable
grades. Harry, on the other hand, went out raising hell every night
and never studied. Tom and Dick were having trouble staying awake in
class, as every night Harry came crashing in, knocking over
furniture
and throwing up in the kitchen sink.
Finally, Tom and Dick could stand no more. They visited the local
butcher and obtained a bucketful of chicken guts. These they poured
into the kitchen sink, thinking to shock Harry into sobriety when he
spotted them upon returning that night. That night, in the wee
hours,
Tom and Dick lay in bed waiting. Finally they heard the door crash
open, Harry falling over furniture, and throwing up. Then there was
two hours of blessed silence before Harry went to bed.
The next morning, Harry looked about ten times worse than usual. Tom
ginned at Harry and asked, "Rough night, Harry?"
"I'll say," groaned Harry. "I was SO sick last night that when I
came
home I threw up my guts, and it took two hours for me to get them
back
in."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this leper that walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Look, I know that you may not want to serve me, being in this
condition and all, but I'm really thirsty. Could I have a beer?"
The bartender replies, "No, it's alright. Here's a beer."
So he takes his beer and sits down on a stool and starts to drink
it.
Once he's done, he looks over and notices that the bartender is
bending over the sink yacking his guts out.
The leper, thinking that it is him making the bartender sick,
decides
to leave. The bartender sees him and says, "Hey, don't go."
"I'm making you sick, I'd be happy to leave."
"No you're not. Here's another beer."
So, the leper starts with this beer, looks over and sees the
bartender puking once more. Again the leper decides to leave. The
bartender stops him and says, "Look, I'm not puking because of you.
Here," and produces another mug of beer, "take this beer on the
house."
The leper was comforted by this and decided to sit back down and
drink it. Again, the leper notices that the bartender is throwing
up. He quickly makes to leave when the bartender stops him again.
"Hey, I know I'm making you sick so I am definately going to leave!"
says the leper.
"No you're not," replies the bartender.
"O.K., if it's not me, then what is it?"
"Look, it's not you that's making me sick, it's the guy next to you
dipping his chip into your arm."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does a female elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.
What do you call 3 lepers in a hot tub?
Soup.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
So this guy wants to have a luau.
He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm.
He asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile.
He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins
swinging the pig around for a few seconds.
He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."
He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings
the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!"
He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone,
"You can't weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can.", said the farmer, "Watch this."
He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.
The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth,
and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This
one weighs twenty pounds."
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to
get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.
After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out
just yet." the boy said, "She's weighing the mailman."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a guy named Philip. Philip owned his own business. He
was know around town as 'Philip the Pus Sucker.' One day, Philip was
sitting around his jacuzzi, snorting some coke with four or five of
these lovely blonds, redheads, etc., when he gets a call on his
'Emergency Pus Phone.'
'Hello Philip?'
'Yes, this is Philip's Pus Sucking Agency'
'I've got this HUGE boil, and it is KILLING me, can you come over?'
'I'm on my way, where do you live.....etc etc'
Well Philip jumps out of the water, knocking half of his coke into
the
tub, throws on a pair of shorts, jumps into his Ferrari, and drives
over to this ladies house. She meets him at the door, and Philip
sees
this HUGE 700 pound lady. She pulls up her dress, and bends over and
says:
'Hurry, up, it's by my asshole'
Philip dives into the fat, has to use the jaws of life, hydraulic
jacks, (you get the picture), just wading through tones of blubber,
and finally, finally, reaches the boil. It is a huge, festering,
green and blue, dripping, the size of a watermelon boil. Philip has
never seen one this size before, and dives into it face first, pus
dripping down his chin, slurpping and slobbering pus and blood and
everything else that is in festering things like this.
All of a sudden, the lady farts, and blows Philip across the room,
almost cracking his skull when he his. Philip sits up and says:
'Lady, PLEASE, don't make my job disgusting.'
-------------------
Fred the sailor got back from sea after being out for six months.
Since their were only other men on board, he was (naturally) hornier
than a 150 piece brass marching band when he hit port in New York.
He
only had 25 dollars with him, but was having hormone explosions, so
he
went to the nearest house of ill repute he could find. He entered,
and
said, "I need it bad. What can I get for $25?"
The lady at the desk replied, "Well, this is a high class place
here.
About all you can get for that is Big Bertha."
Fred thaked her and paid his money. He ran upstairs to the Big
Bertha's room and swung open the door. In the dim light he saw a fat
60 year old toothless woman in a transparent teddy stretched out on
the bed. "Come on in, sweetie!" she said enticingly.
Fred grimaced, but said, "I paid for it - I'm going through with
it."
He closed his eyes and lept onto the bed with Bertha. He ripped her
teddy off and they began engaging in foreplay. To initiate things,
he
began sucking on one of her nipples. As he did, his mouth filled up
with fluid. Suprised, he swallowed it and said, "Say, aren't you a
little bit old to be giving milk?"
Bertha smiled at him and said, "Why, yes. But I'm not too old to
have
breast cancer!!"
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
REF(3-75)
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: Internal Revenue Service
Subject: Increased Tax Payments
Dear Taxpayers,
The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed is your
PECKER. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed but operates in
the
hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after February 1, 1990, your pecker will be taxed based
on its size, using the "PECKER-CHECKER SCALE" below. Determine your
category and insert the additional tax under "OTHER TAXES" on page
2,
part 4, and line 61 of your income tax form 1040.
PECKER CHECKER SCALE
--------------------
10-12 INCHES Luxury Tax $50.00
8-10 INCHES Pole Tax $25.00
6-8 INCHES Privilege Tax $15.00
4-6 INCHES Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
(1) Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund
(2) Applications for extensions will be denied
(3) Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should file under
capital gains.
Very Truly Yours,
Internal Revenue Service
Barney Longfellow
The perfect moment
The sun gleaming red hanging like a balloon on the horizon, and
reflecting ruby red on the expansive sea, with
a sea gull silhoutted in the sun, and
me with a bull-whip handle stuck up my butt.
- comedian ?? ????'s interpretation
- of R. Mapplethorpe
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To: awmozes@Athena.MIT.EDU, regis@Athena.MIT.EDU, timo@Athena.MIT.EDU,
psc@iago.caltech.edu, krk@cornella.bitnet, james.osborne@dartmouth.edu,
jgoodwin@phoenix.princeton.edu, rich.demerle@dartmouth.edu,
jacobson@bigvax.alfred.edu, rsce008@albnyvms.bitnet, blum@cae.wisc.edu
Cc: timo@Athena.MIT.EDU, saskia@Athena.MIT.EDU
Subject: yo ho ho
Date: Mon, 09 Dec 91 02:04:37 EST
From: Ghost <timo@Athena.MIT.EDU>
I bid thee good morrow.
Hither come and thine own ears shall amused be:
1) Have you heard about the day-after-male-birth-control pill?
It changes the guys blood type.
2) One day young Jeffrey went to his grandmother's house.
Grandmother
was feeling quite distraught, which disturbed Jeffrey. He sincerely
hoped he could help. It seems that grandmother was worried by her
worsening case of Alzhymer's disease. In an effort to cheer her up,
he
says, "Just think how lucky you are. You can find your own Easter
eggs
and you make new friends every day."
3) What's the easiest way to eat a vegetable?
Remove the wheel chair.
4) Little Red Riding Hood was strolling through the forest on her
way to
Grandma's house, y'know the story. As she was going along, a rabbit
jumped on the road and stopped her. "Please," said the rabbit,
"don't
go to Grandma's house. The bad wolf is waiting and will play with
your
titties." Little Red Riding Hood smiled at the rabbit. "Have no
fear,"
she said, "I have a gun." Little Red Riding Hood left the rabbit and
continued on her way.
A short while later, a squirrel stopped Little Red Riding.
"Please, don't go to Grandma's house, Little Red Riding Hood,"
squeaked
the squirrel. "The bad wolf is waiting to play with your titties."
Little Red Riding Hood smiled at the squirrel. "It's OK," said LRRH
(Little Red Riding Hood), "I have a gun right here in my pocket."
The
squirrel seemed much relieved, so LRRH went on her way.
About half-an-hour later, a robin caught up to LRRH. "Please
don't go to Grandma's house," chirped the robin. "The bad wolf is
waiting to play with you tits." LRRH smiled at the robin. "I have a
gun," she said. "I'll be ok," and LRRH continued on her way.
As LRRH neared Grandma's house, the bad wolf jumped out of the
woods. "Now, I've got you LRRH," salivated the wolf. "Now, I'm going
to play with your titties!"
"Oh no you don't," returned LRRH as she pulled her gun. "You
are going to eat me, just like the story says."
One evening at the bar a friend of Paul's got up the nerve
to ask him, how it was possible that he and his wife conceived
their children, being as large as they are.
To this Paul replied:
"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"
-----
+------------------------------------+
| Sid Vicious Says `Merry Christmas' |
+------------------------------------+
`Twas the night before New Years, when everyone's drunk
Not a rocker was stirring, not even a punk;
The Baggies were hung by the phono with care,
In hopes that Saint Vicious, yes Sid, would be there.
There Ramones were sold out, so we stayed in our sheds,
While visions of slammers still danced in our heads.
Susie with hash pipe and I, dressed in black,
Had just setteled down for a long-playing track.
When out in the alley there arose such a clatter,
I crawled from the couch to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I lurched with a crash,
Tearing a poster I'd had from the Clash.
The strobe light, the acid, the new snorted snow,
Gave a lustre of Day-Glo to the objects below.
When what to my unfocused eyes should appear,
But a miniature stage, and a band I could hear.
With a singer who danced; by the Pogo he did
I knew in an instant it must be Saint Sid.
More rapid than Springsteen, their rhythm it came.
And he snarled, and shouted, and called them by name:
``Now Strummer! Biafra! Now Joey Ramone!
On Bators! On Patti! On Cook and on Jones!
To the top of the amps, kick over the wall!!!
Now ANARCHY, ANARCHY, ANARCHY ALL!!''
As punks that before a concert got high,
When they all started to Pogo, mount to the sky.
So up to the window, the rockers they flew,
With powerful speakers, and Saint Vicious too.
And then in a twinkling I heard on the trunk,
The swearing and cursing of each famous punk.
As I drew on my pipe and was turning around,
Down the vent shaft, Saint Vicious, he came with a bound.
He was dressed in black from his head to his foot,
And a chain ran from his shoulder that was tarnished with soot,
A black leather jacket was flung over his back,
And he looked like a heretic freed from the rack.
His eyes, how they flashed, his smile, how merry!
He staggered right in, his breath smelled of sherry,
His darkly blue hair was drawn up in a spike,
And the rest of the punks were attired alike.
A portable mike he held tight in his hand,
``Holiday in the Sun'' issued forth from the band.
To be followed by ``Anarchy in the U.K.''
``God Save the Queen,'' ``EMI,'' and ``My Way.''
The band played so loud the albums fell from my shelf,
And I gasped when I saw him in spite of myself.
A wink from his eye, and some dope for my head,
Soon came me to know I should Pogo instead.
He spoke but a word, and that was ``ANARCHY''
And gave us all tickets and hash for the day!
Then putting white powder inside of his nose,
And spitting it out, he said: ``Fuck all discos!''
He sprang to his stage to the band gave a shout,
And away they all jammed till Saint Vicious passed out.
But I heard him exclaim, with the last of his might,
``SCORCHING PUNK ROCK TO ALL, AND TOO AWFUL GOOD NIGHT!!!''
Smart Ass.
I am a student at a small eastern college and I never thought that I
would be writing to you, but...
Last week I had an important midterm coming up and I knew that I
would have to study for it. My roommate was out for the night, so I
decided to stay in and do some necessary reading. I sat studying and
taking notes until 9:30 -- the telephone did not ring. Nor was there
a
knock at the door. I didn't have to get up to answer it only to find
some blond, brunette, or red-headed coed cheerleader who I had
lusted
after in physics class standing at the door in a flimsy nightie. Nor
did I have to invite her in only to have her confess that she
secretly
lusted after me. She didn't grab my rampant nine-incher and force it
down her throat. Following this, she didn't rip her clothes off and
beg
me to fuck her for hours on end. I didn't come in quarts, and when
we
weren't finished she didn't give me a little kiss on the cheek and
promise to come back the next night with her girlfriend, one she
"knew
I'd like."
Instead, what happened was that no one interrupted me that evening.
I studied until 11, had a beer, and went to bed. I rose early the
next
morning, showered and shaved, attended class, and took the midterm.
My
mark was an A. While I was in class, a sexy blonde ignored me. --
Name
and address withheld.
:^)
It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs.
You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and
ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and
good and bad times.
"But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... *sex*?"
The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES!
And why shouldn't they? They're people, too.
What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the
reason
is because Smurfs only have sex once a year.
Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too.
Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily
in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest
has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite
the weatherSmurf's direst predictions.
I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur.
In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining
the
origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village
and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS. Papa Smurf knew that no one
made condoms small enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows
that
all male Smurfs are uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he
decreed
that all Smurfs would only smuck one day a year.
"Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we may
transmit to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals
in the forest," declaimed Papa Smurf. "Besides, it will give
Smurfette a chance to rest."
Yes! Smurfette must rest. For, as everyone knows, Smurfette is the
only female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having
vigorous, rabid sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men,
she needs a break.
So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their
inhibitions to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery.
And, as is his privilege, Papa Smurf throws out the first throe.
At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she must
use to suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits
spring forth into the daylight. The Sun gleams lecherously on
the smooth, blue flesh, nipples crinkling in the light of day from
her soon-to-be-unbridled lust.
Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the
crowd,
naked as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she
has donned just for the occasion. Her long, blonde hair cascades
down her back and lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like
a dirty old man's gaze to each curve and dimple.
Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic glory,
already glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging
rod it would receive that day. And receive them gladly it would,
for hers is the indefatigable furburger, and she hungered for the
sauce blended in the heat of passion.
Smurfette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts
with their turgid nipples to his lips. He takes each one, in
turn, into his mouth, where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango
around the areolae, as Smurfette moans like a cat in heat.
Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops to
his bony little knees and sprinkles his magic deSmurfilating
dust on Smurfette's engorged cunt lips. Presto! The lovely
blonde braiding material falls from her, leaving her shaved smooth
as a hard-boiled egg.
"Oh, Papa Smurf!" she cries. "Encore!! Encore!!", as she writhes
in anticipation of the Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round her
pulsating pussy.
Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress; he slides
his hands under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness
with his thumbs. As the hot, funky juices begin to run down his
arms, he plunges tongue-first and tonsil-deep into her wiggling
womanhood. Smurfette gasps as the talented tongue begins to do
its magic, and her cunt clutches at it like a baby bird after a
worm.
Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to slowly
grind and twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her
S-spot, and Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to
ecstasy. "Oh, make me smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants,
each stroke of his tongue causing her to throb and clutch.
As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and higher,
the crowd gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling
to escape from Papa Smurf's pants. This, then, is the legendary
Trouser Titan, bulging forth in a determined attempt to split
the barrier.
Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer
sensory overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees
the Magnificent Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle.
Maddened with blind lust, Smurfette hurls Papa Smurf to the
platform and leaps shrieking into the air, landing unerringly
on his Titanic Totem.
Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster orgasm,
the force of which propels her screaming into the air again and
again, each time plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker and
triggering another climax.
Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs and
pulls her to the ground. Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her
knees. Gasping in awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his
hard-on, glistening in the light like a war staff.
The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who
immediately grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands
and pulls him to her waiting mouth. With preternatural skill and
primeval hunger, Smurfette devours the monster cock, licking and
sucking like a starving child with an ice cream cone.
His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf pounds
into Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes. As he reaches his
blazing climax, he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths
inches of blue tube steak and fires round after pulsing round
of blue goo down her ravenous throat.
"Hurray!!", shouts the crowd. "Now it's OUR turn!!"
Suddenly the town square erupts with scenes of azure carnality,
as 200 tiny blue asses appear in the sunlight. 200 raging
cocks swarm toward Smurfette's waiting and ever-willing cunt,
ready to make her scream for mercy as they scream for more. 400
bouncing balls follow each other toward the nearest available
orifice, making Smurfette wish there were more of her.
Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form
begin their crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being
stroked as fast as she can grab. Those whose time will come later
are coming now, as their friends clutch lustily at their forbidden
fruits, flinging frothy fuck-foam far and wide.
Up the ass! Down the throat! Backhand, forehand, underhand, in
the armpit or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of
orgasmic prowess to shame the most devoted student of the Kama
Sutra. Soon the street become hazardous to navigate (and navigate
one must), as the square gets deeper and deeper in the collective
come.
Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on.
Gradually, as night falls, the screams of orgasmic ecstasy turn
to the moans and sighs of deep contentment, with the occasional
whimper from an over-enthusiastic sodomite. Soon all is quiet,
as Smurf helps Smurf back to Home and Preparation H. Tubes of
Chap-Stick are quickly distributed to soothe aching lips, and
aloe gel is applied (as are lips, if it is too stimulating) to
the citizen's members to ease the burning.
As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurfs lie in sexual
stupor, gentle rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces
of the fleshfest that was.
And you wondered why Smurfs are always in such a good mood......
There was a happily married man who loved his wife so much
that he had
tattooed her name on his tool. Her name was WILMA.
As the tattooing was done he thought about his most beloved wife so
the tool went larger than it usually was and when it went back to
its
normal state you could only see the first and the last characters.
He was not sorry for it because the only person who would see it was
his wife and she was also happy to have her husbands love
documentated
on such a delicate spot.
After a couple of years in their marriage they went for a second
honeymoon and one day when they where bathing in the ocean a naked
native came up from the see.
Amazed the man saw that the native also had a WA tattoed on his tool
so
he went over to the man and told him why he had a WA on his' and
asked if
his girlfriend also was called WILMA.
:No man! the native said.
:My tool say
WELCOME TO JAMAICA
Article: 2815 of rec.humor.funny
Path:
bloom-picayune.mit.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!apple!usc!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request
From: davidl@ssd.intel.com (David D. Levine)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Why Usenet is Like a Penis
Keywords: original, funny, usenet
Message-ID: <S30f.478@looking.on.ca>
Date: 9 Oct 91 10:30:05 GMT
Lines: 56
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reasons why Usenet is like a penis:
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it
hard
to get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks
today
use it for fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it
will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread
viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size
and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
did
I do that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think
it
gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still,
many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
--
- David D. Levine, Intel Supercomputer Systems Division
davidl@ssd.intel.com - or - davidl@isc.intel.com
My other computer is a Touchstone DELTA System.
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
If you mail to original@looking.on.ca, it makes sure that your joke
is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards.
Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.