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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK
(songs and other strange stuff)
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK
(Songs and Other Strange Stuff)
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK
(Songs and Other Strange Stuff)
(Ninth Revision)
by
Cap Pelletier
Published and Distributed by
Harpel Publishing
P.O. Box 53
Pioneertown, California 92268
(619) 226-8380
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To my wife, Barbara, who has come to like the game and stoically
accepts my
drunken behavior which often is a result of the after match parties.
Not Copyrighted - April 1,1990; by Cap Pelletier.
No rights reserved. Any part of this work, considering there are no
copyrights, may be
reproduced or copied in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic, or mechanical,
including photocopying, recording, taping, or information and retrieval systems - without
permission, written or otherwise.
Printed in the United States of America
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_________TABLE OF CONTENTS_________
THE GAME OF RUGBY ............................1
The Field................................1
Starting the Game ............................2
Accidents and Crimes ..........................3
Throw-Forward..........................3
Knock-On ............................3
Tackling .............................3
Failure to Release the Ball After a Tackle...............4
Lying on the Ball" .........................4
Off-Side Play ...........................4
Charging, Obstruction, Foul Play, and Misconduct...........4
Breaking and Entering..........................6
Penalties and Penances..........................6
Game Starts, Sort of........................7
The Scrum, In Sickness and In Health....................7
Putting the Ball In.........................8
Getting the Ball Out........................9
The Loose Scrum or Ruck ....................10
Off-Side Play (BAD)..........................10
On-Side Play (GOOD).........................11
More Off-Sides: Scrums, Rucks, or Mauls.................12
The Line-Out - Who Needs It?.....................13
Line-Out Troubles........................14
Line-Outs and the Rest......................14
The Line-Out — Odds and Ends..................15
Scoring and Other Rubbish .......................15
Scoring a Try..........................16
Converting a Try.........................16
Penalty Try...........................16
Penalty Goal ..........................16
Drop Goal ...........................16
Kicks, Penalty and Free — The Difference Between ............17
Drop-Outs and Touch-Downs and Such..................18
The Advantage - What Good is It? ...................19
The Inscrutable In-Goal ........................19
Balls, Boots, and All That........................20
The Ref. (Hats Off) ..........................21
Touch Judges.............................23
No Substitution, Even of Half-Wits....................23
Finale ................................23
Post Finale ..............................23
A TRAINING PROGRAM........................... 25
Pre-Season Weekly Schedule ...................... 25
In-Season Weekly Schedule...................... . 26
Interval Running............................ 26
Weight Training............................ 28
Fartlek Training............................ 29
Distance Running ........................... 30
AT LAST, THE SONG BOOK.................„....... 31
The Official (?) Introduction ...................... 31
ARugby Toast ......................... 33
A Song About Turds....................... 34
AToastToBeer......................... 35
A Toast To Madge........................ 36
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A Toast To The Ladies...................... 37
Abortion............................ 38
All The Nice Girls Love A Candle (Ship Ahoy)...........
40
Alouette . . ,......................... 41
An Engineer's Dream ...................... 42
As I Was Walking ........................ 43
Barnacle Bill The Sailor ..................... 44
Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends............... 45
Beer Is Best........................... 46
Bestiality's Best!......................... 47
Bill Bailey........................... 48
Black Velvet Band........................ 49
Boy Meets Girl ......................... 50
Brother Johnny ......................... 51
By The Light .......................... 52
Bye, Bye, Blackbird ....................... 53
Cal Drinking Song........................ 54
Can You Walk A Little Way With It In? .............. 55
Cathusalem........................... 56
Cats On The Rooftop ...................... 58
Charlotte The Harlot....................... 60
Charlotte The Harlot Lay Dying.................. 62
Christopher Columbo ...................... 63
Christopher Robin........................ 64
Clementine........................... 65
Cockles and Mussels....................... 66
Court Of The Horny Five Sweetheart Song .............
67
Courtin'In The Kitchen ..................... 68
Daisy.............................. 69
Darkie Sunday School ...................... 70
Diamond Lily.......................... 71
Did You Ever See........................ 72
Do Yours Hang Low? ...................... 73
Don't Say No .......................... 74
Eskimo Nell .......................... 75
Eyes Right ........................... 79
Fa La La ............................ 80
Fanny Bay ........................... 81
Farmer's Daughter........................ 82
Fuck Him............................ 83
Gentlemen Should Please Refrain.................
84
Glorious Beer.......................... 85
Harlequin's Lament ....................... 86
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Here's To The Split .......................87
He's A Dirty Bastard.......................88
His Father Was A Eunuch....................89
Hitler Has Only Got One Ball...................90
Hold'Em Down You Zulu Warrior ................91
I Don't Know What His Name Is....................92
I Don't Wanna Talk About It ...................93
I Don't Want To Join The Army..................94
I Love My Wife .........................95
I Used To Work In Chicago....................96
If I Were The Marrying Kind ...................97
I'm A Gentleman Of Leisure, Of Nobility And Pleasure .......101
I'm Your Mailman........................102
In Mobile............................103
In The Shade Of The Old Apple Tree ...............105
Incest Time In Texas.......................106
Inside Those Red Plush Breeches .................107
It's The Same The Whole World Over ...............108
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar......................109
JackAndJill ..........................110
Jesus Saves...........................Ill
John Peel............................112
Jonestown ...........................113
Knockers............................114
Large Balls...........................115
Let Me Call You Sweetheart ...................116
Life Presents A Dismal Picture ..................117
Lil...............................118
Lulu..............................119
Lupe..............................121
LydiaPinkham .........................122
Maggie May...........................123
Masturbation..........................124
Men ...............................125
Miss Milly ...........................126
Monte Carlo ..........................127
Mrs. Murphy ..........................128
My God How The Money Rolls In.................129
My Old Man ..........................130
Nellie 'Awkins .........................131
Nelly Cartwright.........................132
No Balls At All .........................133
O Unhappy Bella ........................134
Old King Cole..........................135
Once There Was A Servant Girl Whose Name Was Mary Jane.....137
O'Reilly's Daughter .......................138
Poor Little Angeline.......................139
Pubic Hair...........................141
Put On Your Bustle .......................142
Queen Of All The Fairies.....................143
Red Flag............................144
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Ring The Bell Verger ......................145
Rip My Knickers Away......................146
Rodriquez, The Mexican Pervert..................147
Roll Me Over In The Clover ...................153
Roll Your Leg Over .......................154
Roller, Roller..........................156
Royal Marine..........................157
Rugby Alma Mater .......................158
Rule Britannia .........................159
Sambo Was A Lazy Coon.....................160
Seven Old Ladies........................161
She Went For A-Ride In A Morgan ................162
Sit On My Face......................... 163
Some Die Of Drinking Water...................164
Sonia Snell ...........................165
Stormy Weather, Boys ......................166
Sunshine Mountain.......................167
Sweet Violets..........................168
Swing-Low Sweet Chariot.....................169
Take Me Out For A Good Ball ..................170
Team Chant...........................171
The Alphabet Song .......................172
The Bachelor's Son .......................173
The Ball Of Kerrymuir (Balls To Your Partner) ...........174
The Chastity Belt ........................177
The Church Song-Ding A Dong.................178
The Country Gentleman .....................179
The Erection Factory.......................180
The Gang Bang Song.......................182
The Good Ship Venus ......................183
The Hairs On Her Dicki Di Do ..................185
The Harlot of Jerusalem.....................186 •
The Hole In The Elephant's Bottom................187
The Keyhole In The Door.....................188
The Kotex Factory........................189
The Lobster...........................191
The Maid Of The Mountain Glen .................192
The Minstrels Sing Of A Bastard King Of Many Long Years Ago . . .
.193
The Mole Catcher........................194
The Monk Of Great Renown ...................195
The North Atlantic Squadron...................196
The Portions Of The Female ...................197
The Puppv Song.........................198
The Rajah Of Astrakhan .....................199
The Ram Of Derbyshire .....................200
The Ring Dang Doo .......................201
The Rugby Tinker........................202
TheS&MMan .........................203
The Sexual Life Of A Camel....................204
The Street Of A Thousand Arse Holes ...............205
The Tattooed Lady........................206
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The Traveler ..........................207
The Tulagi Song.........................209
The Twelve Days Of Rugby....................210
The Virgin Sturgeon.......................211
The Walrus And The Carpenter..................212
The Wild Rover.........................213
The Wild West Show...................... . 214
The Woman Marine Hymn....................216
There Was A Priest, The Dirty Beast................217
There Was A Young Sailor ....................218
These Foolish Things.......................219
They're Digging Up Dad's Remains ................220
Those Old Red Flannel Drawers That Maggie Wore.........221
Three German Officers......................222
Three Old Whores From Winnipeg ................223
Trojan Is A Girl's Best Friend...................224
Victory Song..........................225
We Are Warriors ........................226
We're All Queers Together (Bum Tittie) ..............227
When Lady Jane Became A Tart..................228
Whoredean School........................229
Why Was He Born So Beautiful? .................231
Will You Marry Me?.......................232
Woodpecker Song........................234
Working Down The Sewer ....................235
YoHo .............................236
You Expect Me .........................238
Young Roger Of Kildare .....................239
Your Spooning Days.......................240
You're A Grand Old Fag.....................241
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_________THE GAME OF RUGBY_________
With 30 men engaged, even the simplest game can become congested. So there are laws. This
is what this section is about. It won't tell you how to win, but it will tell you how to play.
Here, first of all, is a brief description of the game:
Rugby football is a ball handling game. Each side has 15 players; eight forwards
and seven backs. The forwards deliver the ball to their backs, who advance with
speed and cunning, passing it from one to another, or not, as the passion takes
them. Thus they try to cross their opponent's goal line and ground the ball. This
(worth four points) is a "try," they then try a kick at goal (two more points). This
kick is taken anywhere on a line perpendicular to the place of score. Play is
continuous until someone scores, breaks a law, or propels the ball into touch
(which of course means "out of bounds"). Any player may run with the ball,
pass it, or kick it. It is illegal to pass it forward; fumble so that it bounces forward;
lie on it; throw it into touch; or hold on to it after a tackle. There is also a law
against offside play. Minor infractions result in a scrum; blunders bring the
other side a penalty kick. Armor is prohibited; there is nothing under a Rugby
shirt but steaming flesh. There are four substitutions permitted, but only if a
player is injured. Blocking, tripping, and obstructing are barred; only the
ball-carrier may be tackled.
The Field
On the facing page you will see how a Rugby field is properly marked out. These are the perfect
dimensions; they aren't always possible, and so some fields are smaller. But none may be
larger; the center line must be in the middle; the 22 meter line must be 22 meters from; the
goal line; and so on.
Before we play a hypothetical game, let's take a closer look at this field. Play can go on
anywhere within the outer boundaries, i.e., the dead ball line at each end and the touch line
along each side. But the field-of-play is only from one goal-line to the other. This is important
when we come to scrums and line-outs, which can only happen in the field-of-play.
Also, please note that the goal-lines and touch lines are not in the field-of- play. If the ball
lands on a touch line, it's out of play; if a player grounds the ball on his opponent's goal-line,
he has scored. A try can be scored anywhere in your opponent's in-goal area, but not on the
touch in goal line or the dead ball line. Finally, when a ball is said to be "in touch," it is in fact
out of play: on or over a touch line.
Now that the hogwash is over, we can get on with the slaughter.
2 CAP PELLETIER
Starting the Game
Well, not quite. Although we have two teams on the field (all except for old Harry, who's still
in the changing room, frantically searching for his jockstrap), they
have to decide which team
is playing which way. The captains confer with the referee, a coin is spun, and the winner makes
his choice — either to take the kick-off or to select ends. He can't do both.
This kick-off is taken from the center of the half way line. This is
the method of starting the
game and re-starting it after a score or after half- time. If the score is an unconverted try, the
kick-off must be a drop kick. Otherwise, it's always a place kick. In any case, the kicker's team
must be behind him when he kicks the ball, and their opponents must be on or beyond the ten
meter line parallel to the halfway line.
To start the game, the ball must reach this ten meter line, unless, after it is kicked, an opponent
rushes forward and plays it first. But it must not go straight into
touch (or over the dead ball
line) without bouncing or hitting an opponent. After all, the whole idea of the kick-off is to
get the game started.
So you see that, before the most hungover player can raise even a mild sweat, several things
can go wrong.
You might take the wrong kind of kick, or kick from the wrong spot, or kick before the referee
is ready to start the game. Or your opponents might stand too near,
or charge too soon. .,
If any of these happen, you take the kick again.
Then again, your kick might not go far enough, or it might go too
far — straight into touch. If
it's not far enough, your opponents have a choice: you kick again,
or there is a scram in the
center. If it's too far, their choice is wider: you kick again, or there is a scrum at the center of
the half way line, or the kick stands and you have a line-out at the
half way line.
But if any of your side is in front of the ball when it's kicked, then there is no two ways about
it: the referee orders a scrum at the center of the half way line.
Let us assume that your boot is true, and both teams stand where
they should, and the kick-off ]
is, in fact, successful.
Splendid! What now?
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Well, almost anything. The ball is descending in the receivers' half, the kicker's team is off in
hot pursuit, and the first man from either side to get the ball is
free to ran with it, pass it, kick
it, dribble it, or bounce it on his thick skull, if he wants
to.
His opponents are free to tackle him, or wrench the ball from his sticky grasp, or immobilize
him by winding their hairy arms about his writhing form.
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Thus occupied, the players can — and do — keep the game going indefinitely. There is no
limit
to the number of players who can play the ball, and the attack may
swing from end to end
of the field without pause. Only three things can halt the game: a
score, an infringement of a
law, or the ball's going into touch.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 3
Accidents and Crimes
Suppose the second has happened. Someone's broken a law. What the hell could it be?
Remember that the referee is not obliged to tell, and that you have no right to ask. So read
carefully.
THROW-FORWARD. You must not throw the ball forward. Put another way, you must pass
it along or behind an imaginary line running through the ball and parallel to the goal-lines.
KNOCK-ON. This is a fumbled catch — but fumbled so that the ball bounces from the hand
or arm toward the opponents' dead ball line. This is important. Suppose you fumble a catch
and the ball falls from you toward your own dead ball line. Perfectly legal. What's more, there
are two exceptions to the knock-on law:
1. If the ball is knocked-on by a player who is charging down an opponent's kick.
2. If the ball is unintentionally knocked-on by a player while catching it direct from a kick
or pass — and if he recovers the ball before it touches the ground or another player.
In these cases the game goes on without pause.
If you jump for a ball in a line-out and knock it forward, it is always a knock-on.
A knock-on, remember, has to be off the hand or arm and hit the ground or another player
prior to the offender catching it. A forward bounce from the chest or shoulder is not a
knock-on.
TACKLING. Everybody knows when he's tackled. Right? Well, here's the definition of Law
18:
A tackle occurs when a player carrying the ball in the field-of-play is held by one
or more opponents so that while he is so held he is brought to the ground or the
ball comes into contact with the ground. If the ball carrier is on one knee, or
bother knees, or is sitting on the ground, or is on top of another player who is
on the ground, the ball carrier is deemed to have been brought to the ground.
The tackier, too, must allow his opponent to let go of the ball; in fact neither man may interfere
with it until he's on his feet again.
But note that, to be tackled, you must be held. If you simply get knocked over, you can perform
a somersault and the ball can touch the ground, but you are not tackled, and you may get up
and run on, or lie where you are and pass the ball. It's only when you are tackled that it's illegal
to pass the ball off the ground.
Three conditions must be met, right? One: it has to be in the field-of-play. Two: the man
has to be held. Three: the ball touches the ground; or man, ball, and opponent together touch
the ground.
Do we hear ugly mutterings from back of the crowd? Are there present some whose primitive
instincts cry out and say damn-it-all man, a tackle's a tackle so stop all this nitpicking about did
4 CAP PELLETIER
the ball touch the ground or didn't the ball touch the ground? And
what's more, which swine
pinched my beer?
FAILURE TO RELEASE THE BALL AFTER A TACKLE. The laws say that when
you're
tackled, you must pass or release the ball immediately, and get up or roll clear of it. No ifs or
buts; even when it means an almost certain try against you, you must allow the ball to be played
at once.
This, of course, means that your opponent has then to release you. And you're perfectly
entitled to get up and pick up the ball again straight away. And to be tackled again, release
the ball, get up, seize it or kick it and so on. This law works both ways: the tackled player must
be allowed to release the ball. No player, from either side, may try to pull it from him.
LYING ON THE BALL. Clearly, this is as bad as not releasing the ball after a tackle. There
are times when you have to fall on the ball, but however grave the situation, you must then
abandon your human-sacrifice role and do something. You may play the ball, or roll out of
the way, or get up, as long as you do it at once. The opportunities are endless, as long as you
seize them quickly.
OFF-SIDE PLAY. The off-side law is simple, but in application it can get a bit complicated.
It deserves a page all to itself and it's going to get it. For the moment, all you need to know is
Law 24:
Off-side means that a player is in a position in which he is out of the game and
is liable to penalty.
In general play the player is in an off-side position because he is
in front of the
ball when it has been last played by another player of his team.
In play at scrummage, ruck, maul, or line-out the player is off-side because he
remains or advances in front of the line or place stated in, or
otherwise infringes,
the relevant sections of this Law.
Note that you don't get penalized just for being off-side
(everybody's off- side at some time or
another) but for being off-side and taking part in the game. Also note that this off-side law
doesn't apply to the scrummage, ruck, maul, or line-out, which have their own, curious, off-side
laws.
CHARGING. OBSTRUCTION. FOUL PLAY. AND MISCONDUCT. Because Rugby is a
contact sport, and because play is continuous, spirits sometimes get high and players do things
which — if they were to contemplate them for two or three weeks from
some solitary
mountain-top — they might regret. This is a fat lot of good to an
opponent whose calf the
teeth marks have not yet begun to heal; and so the laws in their wisdom deal firmly with foul
play.
A good starting point: you may tackle only the man with the ball. This means that you must
not:
1. Charge, block, or obstruct any other player in anyway, whichever
side has the ball.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 5
2. Try to run the ball through players of your own team who are in front of you. For one
thing, you're using them as a shield. For another, you're bringing them into the game
when they're off-side.
3. Lay hands on, charge, obstruct, or in anyway interfere with an opponent who does not
have the ball, except in a scrum. (We'll get to scrums in a minute.) "Laying hands on"
includes holding a man's shorts or jersey. Note, however, that you may drag away a
player who is lying near the ball — but not in a scrum.
4. Hack, kick, or trip an opponent even if he has the ball. (They used to, though. When
Rugby was played in England in the 1850's, hacking was part of the game. You picked
out an opponent and the two of you hacked away at each other's shins. This was an
inheritance from bare-knuckle boxing in the 18th Century, when contestants wore
sharpened boots to speed things up. Hacking is definitely out now!)
5. Strike an opponent. Curiously enough, the laws say nothing about striking someone on
your own side. But I doubt if the referee would accept a plea of mistaken identity, so
the best thing is not to hit anyone at all.
6. Tackle early or late or dangerously. This law is strictly applied. Tackle a man when
he's not expecting it, and you may seriously injure him. And if you tackle a man
dangerously — with the intention of injuring him — you have no right to be playing at
all. This lies at the heart of the game, and at the heart of the spirit of the game (if a
spirit can have a heart). The whole point of Rugby is that every player should be as free
as possible to go for the ball. Once you stop thinking about where the ball is and how
your team can get it, and start thinking about that ugly, redheaded forward on the other
side and how you can get him — then you might as well go home and watch television.
You're in the wrong game.
So much for the commercial. Now for the product. What constitutes "Charging, Obstruction,
etc."? Here goes...
1. If you're running for the ball, you must not charge or punch an opponent who is also
running for the ball, except shoulder to shoulder. (This last bit is surprisingly little
known.)
2. You must not obstruct an opponent by getting or being in front of a player on your side
who has the ball.
3. When your side has won the ball from a scrum, you must not, if you are part of the scrum,
get in the way of an opponent who is coming round the scrum and going for the ball.
It's amazing how some wing forwards behave when their side has won the ball from a
scrum. They rise like startled pheasants, their elbows stick out like teapot handles and
they rotate slowly, as if they are trying to establish which way is north. In fact they're
trying to stop the opposing wing forward from getting at their scrum-half. This is unfair,
and very illegal.
4. You must not willfully cause a scrum to collapse. Sounds obvious, butyou'd be surprised
what odd ideas some people get. Damned dangerous, anyway.
6 CAP PELLETIER
5. You must not obstruct an opponent in any way while the ball is out of play, or be guilty
of any form of misconduct. This is a useful catch-all law. It covers all the stupid things
that nobody playing in the right spirit would ever think of, such as undoing an
opponent's bootlaces, sneering at his mustache, or leering at his girlfriend. The bit
about misconduct covers things like starting an argument, or contradicting the referee's
decision (probably the most futile thing anyone could do).
6. You must not waste time. Even if you are (a) exhausted (b) desperate, you must not
deliberately break a law or otherwise deliberately stop the game except by kicking to
touch or over the dead ball line. For instance, you must not intentionally knock-on,
throw-forward, or throw the ball from the field-of-play into touch, touch in goal, or over
your dead ball line. And you must not waste time by such crude and obvious devices
as kicking the ball into the next county, hiding the referee's whistle, etc.
That pretty well covers the infringements that are likely to stop play (outside of scrums and
line-outs).
So what now? Can we get on and re-start play somehow or another? Certainly. But first:
Breaking and Entering
Hold everything. Here's old Harry, just arrived in a panic, ten minutes late, having found his
jockstrap stuffed up his left boot. Shall we let him rush onto the
field and join in the game?
Not on your life! The referee is in charge of this game, and nobody enters or leaves it without
his
permission. Harry waits on the touch line until he's caught the
referee's eye and gets
permission to go on, which will only be given during stoppage of play. (This law applies at
half-time, too: nobody leaves the field without the referee's say-so.)
Right! Now we can re-start the game, following the stoppage or infringement.
Penalties and Penances
The method of re-starting depends on the reason for stopping. If a player accidentally breaks
a minor law (knocks-on, for example), play re-starts with a scrum at
the spot where the
infringement took place, and the other (non- offending) team has the
advantage of putting the
ball into the scrum. But if a player does something that is avoidable, something completely
contrary to the idea of the game (e.g., off-side play; obstruction;
late tackling), his team is
generally penalized with a penalty kick at the place of the
infringement.
Here are the infringements previously described, with their respective penalties:
1. Forward pass — scrum.
2. Knock-on — scrum.
3. Failure to release ball after tackle — penalty kick.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 7
4. Lying on the ball — penalty kick.
5. Taking part in game when off-side — penalty kick at place of infringement or scrum at
place where ball was last played by offending team, at choice of non-offending team.
6. When running for ball, charging opponent also running for ball (except shoulder to
shoulder); when an outside player in scrum, obstructing opponent; being in front of
player of his own team who has ball, so as to obstruct opponent; having ball and forcing
way through players of own team in front of him — penalty kick.
7. Holding, pushing, charging, obstructing, or grasping opponent who does not have ball,
except in scrum; hacking, kicking, or tripping opponent; striking opponent; late, early,
or dangerous tackling; causing scrum to collapse (whew!); while ball is out of play,
interfering with opponent, or being guilty of misconduct — offending player is sent off
or cautioned that he will be sent off if he repeats offense — penalty kick or penalty try
(we'll get to that later). If he repeats offense, player must be sent off; he takes no more
part in match and referee reports him to appropriate disciplinary authority.
8. Wasting time — penalty kick.
9. Willfully throwing into touch, etc. — penalty kick.
GAME STARTS. SORT OF. Good! Now we know where we stand. Let's assume that the
Blue team is playing the White team. Blue kicks-off, a White player catches the ball and passes
it to another White player, who knocks the ball on. What does the referee do?
For a couple of seconds, nothing. He watches closely to see whether or not the advantage law
applies. This is an interesting law, and it'll come in for more attention. Right now all you need
to know is its essence: when one side breaks a law and the other side gets an advantage, the
referee lets the game go on.
We assume that the Blues gain no advantage from the White knock-on. The referee orders a
scrum at the spot where the White player knocked the ball on, and the Blue scrum-half puts
the ball in.
The Scrum. In Sickness and In Health
Next question: what is a scrum? Subjectively, to most it's a groaning, steaming, shuddering
mass of humanity, in which eight interlocked Blue men strive to shove eight interlocked White
men off the ball, and vice-versa. The laws take a sterner view.
For international play and U.S. senior level representative play, a scrum need meet only three
requirements:
1. Each front row shall be formed by three players.
2. The head of a player in a front row shall not be next to the head of a player of the same
team.
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8 CAPPELLETIER
3. The scrum must contain a minimum of five players at all times
until it ends.
That's all: get two front rows, each of three men, plus two other members, all properly
interlocked
so that the heads of opposing players are next to each other, and you
have a scrum.
What more, the laws say as soon as the two front rows have closed together, the ball shall be
put in without delay.
Normally, of course, each team has eight players shoving in a scrum. But it's not essential.
The legal minimum is five, and there's no maximum. All 15 can get down and push if they
want to. But you can't have more — or less — than three in each front row.
For all other U.S. levels of play (all matches below Senior representative levels): "The team
putting the ball into a scrummage shall determine the number of players or each team
participating in the scrummage, with a minimum of seven players in each team required at all
times during the scrummage." For the remainder of this discertation we will be using this level
of play when addressing requirements of the scrum, or Rugby in general.
A scrum may take place only in the field-of-play. If the infringement happened near touch,
the referee will move the scrum so that it is at the five meter line; if it happened in or near the
in-goal area, he will make sure that no scrum takes place within five meters of the goal line.
Wherever the referee orders the scrum, that's where it must be when the ball is put in. You
can get down and push your opponents all around the field, but it will be wasted effort, for the
referee will simply bring the scrum back to the spot where he
ordered it, before he will allow
the ball to be put in. At this time, the scrum should be stationary
and square; that is, a middle
line between the two front rows should be parallel to the goal lines.
The scrum is down, cursing softly under its breath. Now may the Blue scrum-half put the ball
in? Well, let's make sure everything else is kosher, first.
How are the players in the front row binding? Have the hooker and his props all got a firm, ,
continuous
grip on each other, at or below the armpits? What of the other players
in the scrum
— are they all binding with a least one arm and hand to a teammate? Or are they merely
leaning, which is illegal? Does any front row player have both feet off the ground at the same
time, which is illegal? Are his feet so placed as to allow a clear tunnel, or are they raised or
advanced so as to obstruct the entry of the ball, which is illegal? Are his feet crossed or
otherwise not in a position for an effective forward shove, which is illegal? Are the second
row
players (locks) binding around the hips of the props, not through the
crotch — all of which
is illegal? If any player infringes these laws, the referee awards a free kick.
In this case, the Blue and White scrum is immaculate — tightly
bound, four- square, and
admirably tunneled.
PUTTING THE BALL IN. He, poor dumb sap, has little choice. Law 20(9)
lays down exactly
what he shall do, and it reads like a correspondence course in
stoking boilers:
The player putting in the ball shall:
a) stand one meter from the scrummage and midway between the two front rows,
i
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 9
b) hold the ball with both hands midway between the two front rows at a level midway
between his knee and ankle,
c) from that position put in the ball
9 without any delay or without feint or backward movement, i.e., with a single
forward movement, and
• at a quick speed straight along the middle line so that it first touches the ground
immediately beyond the width of the nearer prop's shoulders.
All this is only right and fair, of course. The idea of the scrum is to give both sides an even
chance of winning the ball, so both sides must know roughly how, where, and when it is going
to appear. So the scrum-half mustn't "dummy" or feint his putting the ball in.
So the Blue scrum-half puts the ball in. Nobody in the front rows moves a foot forward until
the ball touches the ground. The rest of the scrum can heave and strain, but the front rows
must keep their feet where they are, until:
BOP! The ball lands, just beyond the Blue loose head prop, and suddenly the tunnel is full of
flying feet. Now any front row player can strike with either foot, as long as he doesn't take
both feet off the ground together.
GETTING THE BALL OUT. If you think putting the ball into the scrum is complicated, you
ought to read the old law about getting it out of the scrum. You used to need two solicitors
(lawyers) and a road map to work it out.
Luckily for you, that's all changed. Everything is now delightfully simple.
As long as the ball doesn't emerge from either end of the tunnel, it doesn't matter where it
comes out. It can pop out between the prop's legs, or it can be heeled all the way through the
first, second, and third rows, or it can exit by any intermediate route. If it does exit via the
tunnel, the same scrum-half puts it in again.
The ball must not be wilfully held in the scrummage after a foot or any lock (second row) has
reached the original middle line of the scrummage. It it doesn't come out immediately a free
kick is awarded to the non-offending team at the place of infringement.
No front row player may deliberately kick the ball back out of the tunnel the way it came in.
And no player who is not in the front row may play the ball with his foot while it's in the tunnel.
The laws say no more than three men in the front row, and you can't get around that by having
an india-rubber poacher in your second row.
Please note that the team not responsible for the stoppage puts the ball in. Now a stoppage
doesn't have to be an infringement. It could be a hopelessly fruitless loose maul, caused by a
defender's falling on the ball; in which case, the defending team having caused the stoppage,
the attacking side puts the ball in.
Once the scrum-half has chosen which side of the scrum to put the ball in, he can't change his
mind and go round to the other side.
10 CAP PELLETIER
If you have been following closely, you will now expect some wise words about the off-side law
and how it applies to the scrum.
All in good time. Let us leave the forwards to sweat and strain a little longer, while we get the
laws of the loosescrum or ruck out of the way. Suffering is good for the soul, if a forward has
a soul.
THE LOOSE SCRUM OR RUCK. Law 21 definition: A ruck, which can take place only in
the field-of-play, is formed when the ball is on the ground and one or more players from each
team are on their feet and in physical contact, closing around the ball between them. "In
physical contact" is shoving, in plain english. Then you have a ruck. NOTE: FOR A RUCK
THE BALL MUST BE ON THE GROUND.
Immediately, several laws come into being. They apply both to a ruck and to a scrum.
You must not pick up the ball in the scrum or ruck, with either your hands or your legs.
You must not intentionally fall or kneel in the scrum or ruck, or intentionally make it collapse,
or lie near the ball and not do your best to roll away. (You know all that by now.)
Once the ball comes out of a scrum or ruck, (unless, in a scrum, it comes out of the tunnel) no
player may throw, kick, or knock it back in.
Finally, a player must not jump on top of other players in a
ruck.
We shall now heel the ball from the scrum or ruck.
Off-Side Play (BAD)
Assume that the Blue team wins the ball and the Blue scrum-half
seizes it, and sets off towards
his opponent's goal line.
Good old Harry, playing at fly-half for the Blues and eager to make amends for arriving late,
has overrun the Blue scrum-half and is now two meters in front of him. So Harry is off-side
and, for all the good he can do, is out of the game until he gets himself onside.
Note that the referee has not yet whistled the game to a halt. Harry
is not criminally off-side
until he takes an active part in the game.
This he now does:
The Blue scrum-half rather than pass the ball to Harry and so
i
1. Commit a forward pass; or
2. Make Harry criminally offside;
decides to kick ahead, and he taps the ball five meters forward.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 11
Harry — a man with a brain like cold cauliflower — sees his chance for glory and gallops after
it. Instantly, he's in trouble. Whether he reaches the ball first, or tackles a White player who
has the ball, or simply gets in someone's way, Harry is illegally off-side.
The referee whistles up and penalizes the Blues. He awards the White either a penalty kick
at the place of infringement — i.e., where Harry was — or a scrum at the place where the Blue
scrum-half last played the ball — i.e., the spot from which the Blue scrum-half kicked the ball.
The choice of penalty-kick-back-here or set-scrum-up-there may seem pointless in this case,
where there's only about five meters between them. But you will see, in the next example, that
it makes sense.
The Whites choose to take the penalty kick. (There's a lot more to the penalty kick which we'll
cover later.) They attempt to gain ground with a long punt to touch.
The ball fails to go into touch, however, and the Blue full-back catches it. (This makes the
other Blues, who are all in front of him, off-side.) Blue full-back also attempts a long kick to
touch, but he too fails, and the ball goes straight to a White player. And who should be standing
a few meters from him but Harry, criminally off-side again! For the laws say that it is illegal
for a player who is off-side if "...he approaches or remains within ten meters of an opponent
waiting to play the ball or the place where the ball pitches."
In other words, Harry should have foreseen that he would be within ten meters of the White
player waiting to catch the Blue full-back's kick, and he should have got the hell out of there.
So the referee penalizes him again. And this time, you can see the sense of giving the Whites
a choice: either to take a penalty kick from the spot where Harry was standing, or a scrum at
the spot where the Blue full-back kicked. The penalty kick would be from somewhere in
mid-field, but the scrum would be deep in the Blues' half, perhaps even close to their line —
a good attacking position for Whites. (If the Blue full-back had been in his own in-goal when
he kicked, the scrum would form five meters from the goal line, on a line parallel to the touch
lines.)
On-Side Play (GOOD)
We have dealt with off-side as if it were an unavoidable condition, like having red hair or being
named Harry.
This is not so. There are no less than six ways by which an off-side player can become on-side:
1. When a teammate, who kicked the ball when behind him, runs in front of him in the
field-of-play or in-goal.
2. When a teammate, carrying the ball, has run in front of him.
3. When he himself runs behind his teammate who last played the ball.
4. When an opponent carrying the ball has run five meters.
12 CAP PELLETIER
5. When an opponent has intentionally touched the ball
but not caught it.
6. When an opponent has played the ball, i.e., kicked, passed, or dropped it.
(Sections 1 and 6 only apply if the off-side player is also retiring ten meters from an
opponent waiting to play the ball.)
Now all this makes sense. The laws are against off-side play, and so they make you (if you are
off-side) give your opponent some extra freedom to make up for it. You have to take yourself
ten meters off from him, and let him run five meters with the ball, or play it.
A couple of odds and ends. You must not shout "All on-side," or words to that effect, when
anyone on your side is off-side, or you'll be penalized.
If you're in an off-side position and the ball, or a player carrying it, accidentally touches you
— that is, in a way you couldn't avoid — you are "accidentally off-side," and the referee will
order a scrum.
Above all, get this: you can only be off-side if you are in front of someone on your team who
was the last to play the ball. Being off-side is not simply a matter of being in front of the ball.
You can be meters in front of the ball and be completely right, if your opponents have the ball
or were the last to play it.
The off-side line, then, is a line through a player in your team who has the ball or who last
played it.
Now that you have thoroughly mastered that, I have reluctantly to
inform you that there are
exceptions and complications. Namely, the off-side law in scrums,
rucks, mauls, and line-outs;
More Off-Sides: Scrums. Rucks, or Mauls
In any scrum, ruck, or maul the off-side line is not normally a
matter of where the ball is, or of
who last played it. Instead, the laws treat the entire scrum as if
it were a single person, and so
the scrum off-side line runs through the tail end of the stern of
the scrum — what Law 24B
describes as "...the hindmost foot of the player's team in the scrummage." This means, of
course, that a scrum has two off-side lines — one for each side.
If you're not in the scrum, or one of the two opposing scrum-halfs, you have to get back behind
your side's off-side line without delay, and stay behind it as long as the scrum lasts.
If you are the scrum-half for the team who did not win the hook, you have to keep both feet
behind the original mid-line of the scrum as long as the ball is in the scrum. If you are the
scrum-half
for the team who won the hook, you have to keep both feet behind the
ball as long
as it's in the scrum.
•
If you're not in a ruck or maul and you want to be, you must enter
it from your side, not your
opponents'. That means getting back behind the ball before you lend
your weight to the
heaving mass. And if you don't join the ruck or maul, you must get behind the scrum off-side
line until the ball emerges.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 13
(But don't forget that before you can have a scrum off-side line, you must have a scrum, ruck,
or maul.)
So far, so clear? If you're not in a scrum, you stay behind all of it, unless you're a scrum-half,
in which case you stay behind the ball or the original mid-line of the scrum, depending on
whether your team won the hook or not. If you're not in a ruck or maul you stay behind all of
it, unless you want to join it, in which case you get stuck in anywhere on your side of the ball.
The fact that the scrum-half has privileges at a scrum which he doesn't have at a ruck or maul
is obvious when you think about it. In a scrum, everyone knows which player is scrum-half.
He has a special job and he gets special treatment. But in the ruck or maul, any player could
claim to be acting as scrum-half, so this player is treated like any other.
Remember, if you're in front of any part of a scrum, and you're not yourself in it, you are
off-side, and unless you get back on-side as fast as you can the referee will make you suffer.
"Loiterers," the law says sternly, "must be penalized."
No member of a scrum may leave the scrum once bound to it. However, there is one exception
to this law. Suppose the player in the back row of the scrum — number eight — has the ball
between his feet. Nothing prevents him from breaking, grabbing the ball, and making life
difficult for the opposition. The instant he breaks from the scrum, the ball leaves it too; once
the ball is out, the scrum off-side line ends. The moral is: the scrum-half isn't the only man
who can play the ball once it's heeled back. So as soon as the ball comes out of the scrum you
can go anywhere and do anything — subject to the regular laws.
The Line-Out - Who Needs It?
The line-out, too, has its own off-side law. But first we should establish exactly what a line-out
is. There are plenty of line-outs in the game today - - far too many, some people think — so
let us examine the entrails of this prolific fowl.
The purpose of a line-out is to start play after the ball has gone into touch. At least two players
from each team line up, in single parallel lines, five meters from the touch line at the place
where the ball went into touch. The ball is thrown in to the line-out by an opponent of the
player who last touched it or who carried it into touch. (If a White player kicks the ball into
touch, a Blue player throws it in. If a White player kicks the ball and it touches a Blue player
on its way into touch, a White player throws it in. If a White player has the ball and a Blue
player forces him into touch, a Blue player throws it in. It's simply a matter of deciding who
was the last player in contact with the ball.)
The ball must be thrown in so as to give both sides a fairly equal chance to get it. The line-out
itself has to be five meters in, and nobody in the line- out may stop the ball from traveling those
five meters. The two lines of players must leave a clear space between them until the ball
leaves the hands of the player throwing it in. He must have both feet outside the field-of- play,
and he must throw the ball so that it arrives at a point at right angles to the touch line — however
strong the wind maybe. If he doesn't, the opposing team has the option of themselves throwing
the ball in or of taking a scrum 15 meters in. If they choose to take the line-out, and if their
throw is no good, the referee orders a scrum to the original team throwing the ball in, and
that's that.
1
14 CAPPELLETIER
The farthest player in the line-out must not be past the 15 meter
mark from the touch line.
Incidentally, there is no limit to the number of players you can have in a line-out, provided the
opposing team puts no more into the line-out than the team throwing
in the ball.
Let us now prepare to bring the line-out, like Frankenstein's monster, to life.
LINE-OUT TROUBLES. One interesting point is that you can get into
trouble even before
the line-out begins (which is when the ball leaves the hands of the player throwing it in).
For instance, you must not be off-side, which you will be if you're so much as a foot in front of
a line at right angles to the touch line through the spot where the ball went into touch.
Nor may you push, charge, shoulder, or bind with another player of either side. This means
you're not allowed to start forming a maul before the ball is thrown in. It also means you're
not allowed to use another player as a prop to help you jump for the ball.
The same laws apply, with suitable changes, once the ball is thrown in. As soon as it goes five
meters and touches the ground or a player, the ball itself becomes the mark through which the
off-side line runs, and nobody in the line-out may step in front of it, unless he's tackling an
opponent in the line-out. And a player in the line-out may hold,
push, shoulder, or obstruct
an opponent only if the latter has the ball. Even so, a line-out
player must not charge an l
opponent, even when the other man has the ball, except in an attempt to tackle him or to get
the ball. No bulldozing for bulldozing's sake.
And no sloping off under the pretense of doubling back around the line-out either. If you peel
off from the line-out so as to get nearer the ball, you must stay close to the line. Otherwise
you'll
be off-side under another off- side law, which we shall unveil to
you.
LINE-OUTS AND THE REST. While the line-out is going on, what are the other players up
to? The laws divide them into two categories:
1. Those participating in the line-out.
2. The rest.
Those participating in the line-out include the player throwing the ball in (normally the
hooker), his opposite number in the other team, and one player from each team in position to
take the ball when it's passed or knocked back, i.e., the scrum-half. As long as the line-out
lasts, these hookers must do one of three things. Either they can stay where they are, between
the touch line and the five meter line of the line-out; or they can join in the line-out when the
ball's been thrown in; or they can get ten meters back, like the rest of their side. Normally, of
course, they'll stay right where they are and eye each other darkly.
The rest (and this normally means the fly-half, inside and outside
centers, the two wings, and ,
the full-back) are at a line ten meters behind the place of the line-out and parallel to the
goal-lines, or behind their own goal-line — whichever is the nearer. This is the off-side line
for all players who are not taking part in the line-out. Any player
who oversteps that line before
the line-out has ended will — if the referee sees him — be penalized by a penalty kick to his
opponents.
i
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 15
This creates a 20 meter wide no-man's land between the two teams. As you can't legally set
foot in here as long as the line-out goes on, you might be interested in knowing how and when
a line-out can end.
It does not necessarily end when the two clean lines have merged into a maul. Then, the
important point to establish is this: is the ball on the ground? If it is, and a ruck is boiling
around it, the line-out is over. Or if the ball is not on the ground and a maul forms, the line-out
is over when the maul moves from the place of the line-out. Or if a player breaks away from
the line-out with the ball, the line-out's over. Or if the ball is passed or knocked back, or thrown
beyond the farthest player in the line-out, it's over.
And the moment a line-out is over, both sides may advance from the ten meter mark.
Line-outs don't always have the military precision which the laws imply. In fact, some line-outs
don't have a line at all.
Suppose Whites are attacking near Blues' goal line. Somehow, the Blue full- back gets the
ball and, with the aid of a following wind, boots it deep into the White half, where it lands
conveniently in touch. The White full-back dashes over and picks it up — but both teams are
still puffing upfield, does he wait for them to arrive and form a line-out? Never! He throws
the ball in, making sure that it goes five meters at right angles to the touch line, then dashes
round, scoops it up, brushes away a speck of dust and kicks triumphantly for touch.
The point of all this is that a player doesn't have to wait until players of his own team have got
back to the line-out or, if they're not in the line-out, are ten meters behind it, before he throws
the ball in. Nor will they be penalized for being off-side — as long as they're clearly trying to
get back without delay.
THE LINE-OUT - ODDS AND ENDS. If, while jumping for the ball (and failing to get it)
you cross the imaginary off-side line, the referee will not penalize you, unless you don't get
back on your own side without delay.
If you have a player who can throw the ball far enough and straight enough, he may throw it
beyond the line-out, and other players — the ones ten meters back — may lawfully run forward
as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and get it. So, of course, may their opponents.
The scrum-half or hooker may lawfully run up to a gap in the line-out and take the ball, as long
as he doesn't run into another player of either team in doing so.
Scoring and Other Rubbish
It's about time somebody scored something.
There are four ways of scoring in Rugby. Two of them are simply from kicks (penalty goal or
drop goal) each scoring three points. The other two are a combination of grounding the ball
in your opponents' in-goal and a kick at goal. Grounding the ball, alone, is known as a "try,"
and scores four points, the resulting kick, if successful, is known as a conversion, and scores
two more points; so the combination, known simply as a goal, is worth six points.
16 CAP PELLETIER
SCORING A TRY. To score a try, an attacking player must be the first to ground the ball in
his opponents' in-goal. He doesn't have to carry the ball over the goal-line; he can chase a ball
last played by someone else, and score. Or, he can ground it while it is under the feet of players
who are participating in a ruck providing the ball has crossed the goal-line.
Note that word "ground." It means much more than "touch the ground." For instance, if you
are thundering towards your opponents' goal-line with the ball and you get tackled just short,
but the momentum of your irresistible drive is so great that it carries you onto or over the
goal-line and you ground the ball — even if it has already touched the field-of-play — you
score a try. Grounding the ball means holding it in your hand and bringing it in contact with
the ground. If it's already on the ground, it means pressing down on it by hand(s) or arm(s),
or falling on it so that it's anywhere beneath you from neck to waist.
But you're not listening, are you? You're worrying about that guy who grounded a ball while
it was under the feet of players taking part in a ruck. A still, small voice keeps telling you that
if somebody in a ruck or scrum handles the ball or falls on it while it's still in the ruck or scrum,
then there is no health in him, right? Relax, and unscramble your brains. It's a try, isn't it?
Which means that the ball and the ruck must have crossed the goal-line, mustn't they?
Remember you can have a ruck or scrum only in the field-of-play! So it's not a ruck or scrum
anymore, is it? Well then, try to pay more attention in the future.
CONVERTING A TRY. By scoring a try, a team has the right to attempt a conversion. A
conversion kick is taken exactly in front of the place where the try was scored, on a line parallel
to the touch line. Anyone on the scoring side may take the kick, and he may take a place kick
(with or without a placer to hold the ball), or a drop kick. All his team (except the placer) must
be behind the ball when it is kicked, and all the opposing team must be behind the goal-line
until the kicker begins his run or offers to kick. As soon as he does, they may charge.
A goal is scored if the ball goes over the opponents' cross bar without first touching the ground
or any player — so if a team charges fast enough, they may be able to touch the ball and prevent
a goal. However, if they charge too soon, or yell during the charge,
the kicker has the option .
of taking the kick again without any charging at all. If the kicker
uses a placer and kicks the
ball without its touching the ground, the kick is void. You don't have to take a conversion kick,
of course. You can forget it and get on with the game.
-
PENALTY TRY. You don't have to cross the goal line to score a try, either. There is such a
thing as a penalty try — rarely seen, fortunately — which the referee awards if he thinks a try
would probably have been scored "...but for foul play of the defending team." A penalty try is
always awarded between the posts.
PENALTY GOAL. A penalty goal results from a penalty kick. (You may hear a player
describe a penalty kick as a "free kick" or a "free." It isn't anything of the kind; a free kick is
something altogether different. He's probably an ex-soccer player who hasn't completely
come to, yet.) Any player on the non-offending team may take this kick, and he can score by
place kick or drop kick. He doesn't have to attempt a kick at goal
from a penalty kick (see
below for the rest of the law on penalty kicks), but once he's indicated to the referee by word
or deed that he's going to attempt it, he can't change his mind.
DROP GOAL. A drop goal can be scored at any time during play, except direct from a kick-off,
free kick, or drop-out (see below for the law on the 22 meter drop-out).
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 17
Kicks. Penalty and Free - The Difference Between
One of the penalties of having a penalty kick given against you is that you not only have to give
the ball to your opponents so that they can do with it what they will; you have to clear off quickly
and give them ten meters to do it in.
"Without delay" is a favorite phrase in the laws. When a penalty kick is awarded to your
opponents, you must run, not walk, to or beyond a line parallel to your own goal-line and ten
meters from the mark (or to your own goal-line, whichever is nearer). Just to rub it in, you
then have to stand completely still with your hands by your sides until they've taken the kick.
Such are the wages of sin.
If you don't run back fast enough, the referee will penalize you another ten meters, and if
you're still too slow, he'll move the penalty kick another ten meters up. This can go on
indefinitely, or until the mark reaches the line five meters from your goal line. No penalty kick
may be taken beyond this line.
Now, if your wits have been flashing like summer lightning, you will have pictured a situation
where all the players were totally intermixed, somebody blundered, the referee gave one side
a penalty kick, and they took the kick before their opponents had time to move ten centimeters,
let along ten meters.
"Does," you ask indignantly, "the referee penalize these helpless morons?"
Answer: No! If their failure to retire is the result of the remarkable speed with which then-
opponents have acted, the referee will let play continue. But the taking of the penalty kick
doesn't automatically bring everyone back into the game: the offending side must retire ten
meters or to their own goal line even while the kick is being taken. They get back into the
game only when they've retired ten meters, or when an opponent has run with the ball for five
meters.
So much for the defenders. The attackers, naturally, have much greater freedom. The kick
must be taken at or behind the mark, on a line through the mark parallel to the touch lines;
and everyone in the kicker's team must be behind the ball (except a placer, if one is used).
Otherwise they can do what they like. Anyone can take the kick, and he may kick the ball in
any direction, for any distance, to any player. However, the ball may not be place kicked for
touch. With this one exception, the kicker can boot deep into touch, or he can tap it an inch
and then pick it up and run with it or pass it. If the kick is taken for an infringement that
occurred in-goal, the kicker shall take the kick five meters from the goal-line opposite the
place of infringement. Whatever you do, a penalty kick has to be a kick; the boot or lower leg
has to strike the ball. Tapping your toe-cap with the ball is not a kick. You don't have to take
a penalty kick, by the way; you can choose to have a scrum instead.
A free kick gives the kicker much the same opportunities as a penalty kick, but without its aura
of crime-and-punishment.
A free kick is a kick you are awarded when you make a fair-catch (mark). What, then, is a
fair-catch? It's really three things happening at once: a catch, a complete cessation of all
forward movement, and a strangled scream. You make a fair-catch by cleanly catching the ball
on your side of the 22 meter line direct from a kick, knock-on, or throw forward by an opponent,
18 CAP PELLETIER
if you simultaneously cease all forward motion, with both feet
planted firmly on the ground,
and should "Mark!" (The laws say you should "exclaim 'Mark'" but if you're wise you'll bawl
it as loudly as you can.) If the referee likes your performance, he'll whistle up and award you
a free kick.
This is the only kick which the laws won't let just anybody take; only the player who made the
fair catch can take the free kick. Like a penalty kick, it must be taken at or behind the mark
on a line through the mark parallel to the touch lines, and it may be a place kick, drop kick, or
punt.
Also as in a penalty kick, a free kick does force the opponents to retire ten meters. The
opponents do not have to stand motionless, thinking evil thoughts, while a free kick is being
taken: as soon as the ball touches the ground (for a place kick) or the kicker starts his run or
offers to kick (for a drop kick or punt), they may charge.
When a free kick is taken the ball must travel forward, at least as far as a line through the mark,
unless an opponent first plays it. If the opponents charge so resolutely that they prevent the
kicker from kicking at all, the referee will order a scrum, if the attacking team doesn't obtain
an advantage.
Some rare and exotic points: If a player makes a fair-catch but is
injured so badly that he can't
take the free kick, the referee will order a scrum. (If he made the catch in his in-goal, the scrum
would be five meters out from the goal-line. If he made the catch in his in-goal and he could
take the kick, the mark would be considered to be made on the
goal-line.)
Note that, if a player is taking a placed free kick, he must use a placer, and he must not handle
the ball after it has been placed on the ground. (By that time, his opponents will be charging,
in any case.) And if he is taking a drop kick or punt, he has only
one chance: as soon as he
makes a move to kick the ball, his opponents may charge. And believe me, they will.
Thoroughly! If they charge too soon, however, the referee will send them back and order "No
Charge." The kicker may then try again, without harassment. If it's
good old Harry taking the
kick, he may have a brainwave and decide to exploit his freedom by
taking a place kick. The
moment he places the ball on the ground the kick is void: when taking a free kick, you must
not handle the ball on the ground. You must use a placer. Naturally,
everybody on the kicker's
team — except the placer, if used — must be behind the ball when a
free kick is taken.
Drop-Outs and Touch-Downs and Such
There is one other kick to be considered, before we get to the legal delights of the advantage
law. That kick is the drop-out. We quote Law 15:
A drop-out is a drop kick awarded to the defending team.
And, we quote Law 14(3):
Except where the ball is knocked-on or thrown-forward or a try or goal is scored,
if an attacking player kicks, carries, or passes the ball and it travels into his
opponents' in-goal either directly or after having touched a defender who does
not willfully attempt to stop, catch, or kick it, and it is there
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 19
® grounded by a player of either team, or
• goes into touch-in-goal or over the dead ball line
a drop-out shall be awarded.
The game is re-started with a drop-out from the 22 meter line (commonly called the 22 meter
drop-out). This is a drop kick taken anywhere on or behind the 22 meter line. This line
separates the two teams: the defending side must be behind the ball, and the attacking side
must not charge over the line until the kick is taken.
The ball must reach the 22 meter line. If it doesn't, the opposing team may choose between
another drop-out, or a scrum in the center of the 22 meter line. If the ball lands directly in
touch, the opposing team has a wider choice: either accept the kick, have another drop-out,
or have a scrum. If any of the kicker's team is in front of the ball when kicked, the referee will
order a scrum. (All this, of course, is very similar to the kick-off law.)
The Advantage — What Good is It?
And now for the advantage law. This is something that infuriates ignorant players (who can't
understand why the referee doesn't immediately whistle for an obvious infringement) and
delights experienced players (who appreciate a referee who interrupts the game as little as he
can).
The advantage law is simple. When one side breaks a law, and the other side gains an advantage
from this, the referee allows the match to continue. This means the referee has to let play go
on for a couple of seconds before he can decide whether or not an advantage has been gained.
If it hasn't, he whistles up for the original infringement, and he may have to bring play back
some distance in order to re-start the game.
Only two parts of the game are not subject to the advantage law. One is the kick-off, and the
other is putting the ball into the scrum. Both must be done perfectly; the law allows for no
mistakes. But the off-side law, the line- out, the scrum, and the drop-out are all subject to the
advantage law. Note that an advantage does not have to be territorial: it can be tactical. It's
up to the referee to judge. Fortunately, most referees are ex-players.
You may be astonished to learn that we have now reached the last major chunk of the laws of
this admirable game. "Can," you ask yourself, "this magnificent sport be as simple?" The
answer is "NO!" There are many subtleties not described here, and you will not completely
understand Rugby until you read the Laws themselves.
The Inscrutable In-Goai
The last major chunk covers what goes on behind the goal-line, in the in-goal area. The laws
still apply here, but they undergo some interesting modifications. An in-goal is not part of the
field-of-play, so you can't have any scrums or line-outs there, for a start.
20 CAP PELLETIER
If a player — on either side — has the ball in an in-goal, and he's held so that he can't ground
it, the referee will order a scrum, five meters out from the goal-line. And the attacking team
always puts the ball into the scram.
Similarly, if a defending player kicks, throws, or carries the ball
over his own goal-line and a ]
defending player touches it down there, the referee will order a scrum five meters out. This
holds true even if the defending player holding the ball is forcibly moved from the field-of-play
into the in-goal by the efforts of the attacking team and then the defending player touches it
down. The attacking team once again puts the ball in.
However, if an attacking player kicks, throws, or knocks the ball
and, on its way to the in-goal,
it accidentally touches a defender (who does not willfully try to stop it) and a player from either
side gets the touch-down or the ball crosses the touch-in-goal line or dead ball line, the referee
will award a 22 meter drop-out.
If anything, the laws apply even more to the in-goal than to the field-of- play. The referee will
be watching the defending team closely for any unfair play or unlawful interference that might
prevent a probable try, and he'll keep an eye on the attacking side, too, in case they feel tempted
to pull some chicanery to help themselves score.
Depending on the size of the wrench which the defending side throws
into the works, the
referee will order a five meter scrum or a penalty try. If it's the attacking side who have been
bending the laws, he'll award a penalty kick five meters from the goal line opposite the place
of infringement. In either case, of course, he may view the whole
deplorable episode with such
concern that he warns a player or even sends him off.
■■
A special case offense committed in-goal is "misconduct while the ball is out of play." The
penalty kick is awarded at the place where the ball would next be brought into play — at the
center of the half way line (if a try has been scored) or at the 22 meter line (following a
touch-down).
The defending side can't get away with murder behind their own line; never fear. If they
indulge in off-side play, forward passes, knock-ons, and so on in their in-goal, they'll pay for
it. The scrum will go down five meters out, opposite the scene of the crime, and their opponents
will put the ball in.
Balls. Boots, and All That
It only remains for us to touch on some of the more miscellaneous rubbish involved in playing
Rugby.
The ball, for instance, must be a certain shape and size. See Law 2 for a description of the ball.
And take a look at Law 4 while you're at it — Player's Dress. It boils down to this: you may
wear shorts, jockstrap, jersey, stockings, boots, shin-pads (if completely under the stockings),
and a cloth or leather scrum-cap — and nothing else. No shoulder
pads, no armor, no brass
knuckles, no crash helmets, etc. That includes buckles on belts, lumpy rings on fingers, and
arms in plaster casts. Always hammer down the nails in your boots, too, and make sure the
studs are regulation British Standard. The referee may inspect your boots and clothing at any
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 21
time, and make you change, if necessary — something which always tends to make the other
side stare coldly, and mutter amongst themselves.
How long does a game last? The serious answer is: twice as long as each half. Law 5 says, in
effect, that it's up to the captains to agree on the length of the game, but play shall be divided
into halves. However, a half may not exceed 40 minutes. Most games are played 30,35, or 40
minutes each way. The half-time interval lasts no longer than five minutes, after which the
teams change ends.
Injury time is a maximum of one minute, unless it takes longer to remove the body from the
field. After one minute the injured player must get on or get off. The referee may allow play
to continue during minor injuries unless:
1. continuation of play would be dangerous to the injured player, or
2. the injured player would be interfering with play, or
3. the injured player is in the front row, and a scrummage is required.
Time lost through legitimate delays like this is always made up in the half in which it occurs.
A broken or untied bootlace is no reason for delaying play. The referee can whistle for
half-time or no-side (the end of the game) at the end of the allotted playing time, but only
when the ball becomes dead, except when he has awarded a try, a fair-catch, or a penalty kick.
In each case, he allows the kick to be taken and the game goes on until the ball next becomes
dead.
The Ref. (Hats Off)
A few words about the referee. He is sole judge of the law. Do not advise him, criticize him,
or comment aloud on his decisions, or you will be in deep trouble. He is not a policeman. His
job is not to keep the peace amongst 30 thugs; it is to apply the laws. If you are determined to
fight each other, no referee in the world can stop it. What he can do is send you off, which
seems to negate the whole purpose of playing at all.
If you don't like the referee — if you think he's unfair, biased, or misinformed — keep quiet
during the game. Send in your report to the Referees Society or your local sub-union
immediately afterwards. But make sure you're in the right, first of all. However, no matter
what the Referees Society's and/or your local sub-union's decision is about that particular
referee, the game that was completed will stand as played. In rugby there is no higher authority
during a specific game than the referee on the field.
The referee cannot alter the laws, even if both teams are willing. The referee cannot instruct
or advise either team before the game starts. The referee cannot change a decision once he's
made it, with one exception: if he did not know that the ball had gone into touch when he
made his decision, he may change it. (So you see the complete futility of trying to argue with
the referee. He won't argue, and he won't change his decision.)
22 CAP PELLETIER
If the ball touches the referee in the field-of-play, he'll let the game go on unless he thinks one
side got an advantage from his being touched, in which case he'll order a scrum. If he's touched
in in-goal, the referee will base his decision on what probably would have happened, and award
a try or a touch- down or a dead ball accordingly.
If the ball touches a spectator in an in-goal, and there's any doubt about what happened, the
visiting team gets the benefit of the decision. This prevents skullduggery by over zealous home
team supporters.
One of the things that distinguishes first-class Rugby from the kind of performance put on by,
say, Extroverts Extra B versus Dunderheads Remnants, is the use to which the players put then-
lungs.
Listen to a game between two first-class clubs, and what do you hear? The captains, the
pack-leaders, and the referee; and that's all. The rest of the players are saving their breath to
run with. Now go round the back of the clubhouse, trudge across three soggy meadows — and
long before you can see it, you can hear the Extroverts vs. Dunderheads game. Thirty voices,
each raised in brazen analysis, advice, or comment, bay like hounds at full-moon. Everyone
is shouting and nobody is listening — least of all to the referee.
When the ref. does make himself heard, they then want him to either (a) explain his decision,
with particular reference to What Happened Last Week Against Loggerheads Extra 3rd C; or
(b) change his decision, because Look What Happened in the First Half; or (c) tell them how
long that law has been going on, because I For One Have Never Heard
Of It, And Neither Has
Ginger Here.
Oh well. Is this so terrible? Surely, as long as the players enjoy themselves...?
No! The point is that players who make too much noise change the nature of the game, and
by changing it they spoil it for everyone. When a man talks so much that he misses the whistle
and so makes the referee whistle up twice, and then goes on talking
so that he doesn't hear the .
referee order a scrum-down and wanders off to form a line-out, and then when he's summoned
back, wants to know which player did what to bring about the scrum — this man is dropping
verbal bricks all over the field. Whereas Rugby should be open and
active, with the minimum
of interruptions and intervals, he's slowing down the play, lengthening the intervals, and
delaying the re-start.
And what makes it worse is that this unfairly hampers the fitter and
better side. Suppose a
Blue player is penalized for lying on the ball. Whites are right there, ready to take a short
penalty and perhaps score. Should the Blue player be allowed to make them wait while he
talks the situation over with the referee? Does he have the right to
make the referee justify
his decision? Clearly not!
And yet some players can get quite shitty when the ref. tells them to shut up and get on with
the game.
Just as some players think that the ref. has a duty to tell them how
much time is left for play.
.
Or to stop everything while they tie up their boots.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 23
Poor benighted fools, they should try reffing a few times. In fact, every player should, at least
once. Then he'd understand. Maybe.
Touch Judges
Two touch judges assist the referee, one on each side of the ground. The touch judge holds
up his flag when and where the ball, or a player carrying it, goes into touch, which is not
necessarily the same as where the ball ends up, of course. What matters is where the ball or
the player crossed the touch line or touch in goal line — assuming the the wind does not blow
it back again prior to its touching the ground or a spectator.
The touch judge holds up his flag to show when and where the ball goes into touch, and points
with his other hand to the team entitled to throw the ball into the line-out. He lowers his flag
when the ball has been properly thrown in; if it's not properly thrown in, he keeps his flag up
as a signal to the referee — who may, however, overrule him (if the non-offending side gains
an advantage).
No Substitution. Even of Half-Wits
If you repeatedly break any of the laws, you are not only a nuisance but also a menace to the
whole game, and the referee will treat you accordingly. If you twice break any of the laws
concerning foul play or misconduct, he must send you off and report you. If you repeatedly
break any of the laws about charging or obstructions, he must send you off and report you. If
you repeatedly break any other law, he must caution you and report you; and if you persist in
repeatedly breaking the same law, he may then send you off.
Ignorance is no excuse, either. The effect on the game is the same whether or not you know
you're repeatedly breaking a law. It's up to the referee to decide what constitutes "repeated
infringements," and he may be more or less strict according to the experience and skill of the
teams who are playing.
Finale
This is the end. If you have ploughed through everything from the beginning, congratulations.
I hope it helps you play better Rugby and enjoy the game more. And if you're one of those
people who start at the end and read backward, good luck. You will shortly be ideally qualified
to translate the laws of Rugby into Chinese.
Post Finale
For those fellow Ruggers who like to have a small nip of the bottle after a game, I have printed
a fantastic punch recipe. This recipe makes enough for both teams. If extra persons are invited
to the party, make a double batch.
I
24 CAP PELLETIER
RUGBY PUNCH
(Serves 60)
4 barrels of beer
24 gallons of West Indies rum
35 gallons of New England rum
35 pounds of loaf sugar
25 pounds of brown sugar
465 lemons (sliced - optional)
(It should be noted here that ample bathroom space, or a lot of trees, has to be
provided for the persons enjoying this punch.)
Now, to be sophisticated (Rugby sophisticated?) when consuming this spicy punch, a list of
ways to say "Drink Up" is provided below:
mud in your eye! prosit! salud! skall!
pura quanzu! a votre sante! eviva! nazdravica!
banzai! mabuhay! proost!
i
I
________A TRAINING PROGRAM________
Unlike the first section of this book where I've used a tongue-in-cheek style of wiling, and the
last section of this book where there is absolutely no style of writing involved, I chose to use a
very serious style of writing for this section simply because training is very serious. As far as
I'm concerned, training can be fun but it's still the most serious aspect of high quality rugby.
With that said, let's talk training.
This training program is a guide that I hope will assist you in reaching your full rugby potential.
This program is geared specifically for the game of rugby.
The program is the best that I have come across during my 24 years of rugby experience. I
followed a similar program religiously a few years after I was first introduced to rugby and was
one of the fittest (if not the fittest) player on our team. Looking back, I would be willing to
bet that many of my teammates did something less than what the program called for. No one
can make a player train or follow a program, but if you do follow the one I'm suggesting, you
can reach your full rugby potential.
Through the years modifications have been made to the program to which I was originally
introducted. They are mainly in the areas of Interval Running and Fartlek Training. With
regard to Interval Running, there has been a considerable increase in the total amount of
running. There are only two ways of running, or it's not worth doing, and they are "full speed"
(flat out) or "fast speed" (80% to 90%). As for Fartlek Training, there has been an increase
in the minimum and maximum length of the sessions as well as the amount and number of
exercises required.
I feel confident in saying that the program, if followed, will produce the kind of fitness a player
needs to play top class rugby. The program is a lot of hard work (the only way to get fit), but
it is relevant to rugby, systematic, and provides variety in training. The program comes as close
as anything I have experienced to making hard work enjoyable.
Pre-Season Weekly Schedule
Monday Weight Training
Tuesday nterval Running (Day 1)
Wednesday Weight
Training
Thursday nterval Running (Day 2)
Friday
Saturday Fartlek Training
Sunday Distance Running
i
26 CAP PELLETIER
In-Season Weekly Schedule
Monday Weight Training
Tuesday Club Practice (plus - if needed)
Wednesday nterval
Running
Thursday Club Practice (plus - if needed)
Friday
Saturday Game
Sunday Distance Running
Interval Running
The objective of Interval Running is to develop acceleration, speed, and endurance. This type
of training should be done twice a week with a thorough stretch and warm-up session before
begirming.
All intervals should be run at full speed (flat out) or fast speed (80% to 90%) with a brisk walk
and/or jog back to the starting point. Alternate starting foot with each run. Tight forwards
will do more fast speed running while back row forwards and backs
should do more full speed
running.
Tight Forwards
First Week
Dayl 2x440 yds. (Fast)
4x220 yds. (Fast)
Day 2 4 x 330 yds. (Fast)
4x 110 yds. (Fast)
Second Week
Day 1 3 x 440 yds. (Fast)
3x220 yds. (Fast)
Day 2 2 x 330 yds. (Fast)
2x220 yds. (Fast)
4x 110 yds. (Fast)
Third Week
Day 1 4 x 440 yds. (Fast)
5 x 85 yds. (Fast)
Day 2 1 x 440 yds. (Fast)
2x220 yds. (Fast)
Back Row Forwards and Backs
First Week
Dayl 2x440 yds. (Fast)
4x220 yds. (Fast)
Day 2 4 x 330 yds. (Fast)
2x110 yds. (Fast)
2x 110 yds. (Full)
Second Week
Dayl 3x440 yds. (Fast)
3x220 yds. (Fast)
Day 2 2 x 330 yds. (Fast)
2x220 yds. (Fast)
2x 110 yds. (Fast)
2x 110 yds. (Full)
Third Week
Dayl 4x440 yds. (Fast)
5 x 85 yds. (Full)
Day 2 1 x 440 yds. (Fast)
2 x 220 yds. (Fast)
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 27
5x110 yds. (Fast) 5x110 yds. (Fast)
4 x 85 yds. (Fast) 4 x 85 yds. (Full)
Fourth Week Fourth Week
Day 1 4 x 85 yds. (Fast) Day 1 4 x 85 yds.
(Fast)
4x110 yds. (Fast) 4x110 yds. (Fast)
1 x 220 yds. (Fast) 1 x 220 yds. (Fast)
1 x 440 yds. (Fast) 8 x 55 yds. (Full)
1 x 220 yds. (Fast) 1 x 220 yds. (Full)
4 x 110 yds. (Fast) 4 x 110 yds. (Fast)
4 x 85 yds. (Fast) 4 x 85 yds. (Full)
Day 2 5 x 85 yds. (Fast) Day 2 2 x 220 yds.
(Fast)
4x110 yds. (Fast) 4 x 110 yds. (Fast)
2 x 220 yds. (Fast) 5 x 85 yds. (Full)
Fifth Week Fifth Week
Day 1 3 x 220 yds. (Fast) Day 1 11 x 25 yds.
(Full)
6x110 yds. (Fast) 7 x 85 yds. (Fast)
9 x 85 yds. (Fast) 3 x 110 yds. (Fast)
10 x 55 yds. (Full) 3 x 220 yds. (Fast)
3 x 110 yds. (Fast)
2x 85 yds. (Full)
11 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 2 x 220 yds. (Fast) Day 2 2 x 220 yds.
(Fast)
4x110 yds. (Fast) 6 x 110 yds. (Fast)
8 x 55 yds. (Full) 9 x 25 yds. (Full)
Sixth Week Sixth Week
Day 1 10 x 25 yds. (Full) Day 1 4 x 220 yds. (Fast)
5 x 85 yds. (Fast) 3 x 110 yds. (Fast)
3x110 yds. (Fast) 3x110 yds. (Full)
4
x 220 yds. (Fast) 5 x 85 yds. (Fast)
3 x 110 yds. (Fast) 5 x 85 yds. (Full)
4 x 85 yds. (Full) 1 x 440 yds. (Fast)
10 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 2 x 220 yds. (Fast) Day 2 2 x 440 yds.
(Fast)
8x110 yds. (Fast) 2 x 220 yds. (Fast)
4 x 85 yds. (Fast) 6x110 yds. (Full)
14 x 25 yds. (Full)
Seventh Week Seventh Week
Dayl 3x330 yds. (Fast) Day 1 2 x 330 yds.
(Fast)
10 x 85 yds. (Fast) 12 x 55 yds. (Full)
28 CAP PELLETIER
18 x 55 yds. (Full)
10 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 1 x 330 yds. (Fast)
10 x 85 yds. (Fast)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
18 x 25 yds. (Full)
Eight Week"
Dayl 10 x 110 yds. (Fast)
5 x 85 yds. (Fast)
5 x 85 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
Day 2 19 x 25 yds. (Full)
15 x 55 yds. (Full)
10x110 yds. (Fast)
Ninth Week
Day 1 15 x 25 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
5 x 85 yds. (Full)
3x110 yds. (Fast)
2 x 220 yds. (Fast)
3x110 yds. (Fast)
5 x 85 yds. (Fast)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
15 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 4 x 220 yds. (Fast)
10 x 85 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
14 x 25 yds. (Full)
1 x 330 yds. (Fast)
10 x 85 yds. (Full)
1x330 yds. (Fast)
10 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 1 x 330 yds. (Fast)
10 x 85 yds. (Full)
9x 25 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
9 x 25 yds. (Full)
Eight Week
Dayl 10 x 110 yds. (Fast)
10 x 85 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
26 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 19 x 25 yds. (Full)
15 x 55 yds. (FuU)
10 x 110 yds. (Full)
Ninth Week
Day 1 15 x 25 yds. (Full)
10 x 55vds.(Full)
5 x 85 yds. (Full)
3x110 yds. (Fast)
2x220 yds. (Fast)
3x110 yds. (Full)
5 x 85 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
15 x 25 yds. (Full)
Day 2 3 x 220 yds. (Fast)
2x 110 yds. (FuU)
10 x 85 yds. (Full)
10 x 55 yds. (Full)
14 x 25 yds. (Full)
Weight Training
Weight Training should be done during the pre-season training period. Its specific objective
is to develop power and strength. By keeping up the schedule prescribed for your position,
recording all your lifts and noting progress, and trying to always train with a teammate you will
find the program quite rewarding and, hopefully, enjoyable as well.
You should train a minimum of two sessions per week, ensuring completion of the requisite
number of sets for each lift before moving on to the next one. Players should feel free to utilize
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 29
extra lifts which are more specific to the kind of strength they require for their particular
position. For example, a loose-head prop may choose to work at strengthening his neck
muscles. Stretching exercises are essential before, after, and in between sets, to retain
flexibility.
Repetitions and weight for each lift will be slightly different for different positions on the team.
"Maximum" is when only one repetition is possible with a particular weight.
Continually monitoring your maximum for each lift is necessary in noting development and
also for projecting the weight load for future lifts.
You will progress very quickly in the first few weeks, reaching a plateau of development
thereafter. In order to work out the relevant percentage of maximum as you progress, measure
the maximum in each lift at the beginning of the last session, each week, and use this quantity
(hopefully an increase on the previous week's best) to work out the training weight for the next
week.
The lifts should be executed in the following order:
1. Half Squat
2. Power Clean
3. Bench Press
4. Dead Lift
5. Military Press
Forwards Backs
1. 3 sets, 8-10 reps. (70-80% of
max.) 3
sets, 8-10 reps. (70-80% of max.)
2. 3 sets, 6- 8 reps. (80-90% of
max.) 3
sets, 8-10 reps. (70-80% of max.)
3. 3 sets, 6- 8 reps. (80-90% of
max.) 3
sets, 6- 8 reps. (80-90% of max.)
4. 3 sets, 6- 8 reps. (80-90% of
max.) 3
sets, 6- 8 reps. (80-90% of max.)
5. 3 sets, 8-10 reps. (70-80% of
max.) 3
sets, 6-10 reps. (70-80% of max.)
Fartlek Training
The development of stamina, strength, and endurance are the ultimate objectives of Fartlek
Training.
This type of training should be done once a week during the pre-season program and is
intended to simulate type, frequency, and intensity of activities that occur in games. It brings
interval running and weight training together for the sake of endurance. When these sessions
are done correctly, there is tremendous transfer value to game situations.
The Fartlek session is timed and should last a minimum of 30 minutes, progressing to 60
minutes in the final week of the pre-season program. There must be no stopping of activity
during the session.
30 CAP PELLETIER
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Required activities are:
A. Jogging
B. Sprinting
C. Exercises
1. Push-ups
2. Windmills (alternate toe touch - 4 count)
3. Squat thrusts (7 count)
4. Sit-ups (do a forward roll to get on your back)
Lay out a course, in a park or around a field, with exercise stations, jogging, and sprinting zones.
The ultimate layout of the course is up to the individual but the following sequence is
recommended (the whole thing comprises one circuit):
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Exercise Station (#1)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Sprint (55 yds.)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Exercise Station (#2)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Sprint (55 yds.)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Exercise Station (#3)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
•
Sprint (55 yds.)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Exercise Station (#4)
Jog (85 to 110 yds.)
Sprint (55 yds.)
With regard to exercises, begin the first week by doing four repetitions of the designated
exercise, at each exercise station, and increase the total number by one every week until you
reach 12 repetitions the last week.
Distance Running
Distance running (three miles or more) should be used to develop or expand basic endurance
before and during the pre-season program and as a primary training activity on days
immediately following games after the season starts.
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AT LAST, THE SONG BOOK
Well not quite. Let me extend one last plea for sanity before we embark upon the dubious fun
and games of the "post game show." I feel I must talk about the beginning of this book, since
you no doubt have skipped over it in order to get to this section. You will find a short
description of the game (in layman's terms) and a training program that I recommend to all.
Hopefully you'll read these sections, and not skip over them completely, before becoming
swamped in the "fun and games"; thus, missing what I have come to believe is the most
important part of rugby. Even though we Americans tend to love the after match times, we
need to remember the actual reason why we're all together. Without "THE GAME OF
RUGBY" we wouldn't have any excuse for the overindulgences of the post match gathering.
What's more, without "A TRAINING PROGRAM" we wouldn't be able to engage in Rugby
(at least not very well). With that said, now on with an introduction (which I have unashamedly
plagiarized from another song book) and the related debauchery.
The Official (?) Introduction
In many ways Rugby is the most elemental game of all. Each side attempts to ground the ball
beyond their opponent's goal line. Their opponent attempts to stop them by tackling the man
who has the ball. Nothing could be simpler: no pussyfooting about, as in soccer; no
World-War-III-plus-committee-organization as in American football; no bludgeoning your
way to victory, as in field hockey, lacrosse, or hurling. Rugby is simple, man-to-man contest
for a blown-up pigskin.
Although the game of Rugby has often been described as unorganized mayhem, this
description is only partially correct. It would be more to the point to describe the game of
Rugby as organized mayhem.
Rugby is unique but oddly enough the action on the playing field itself has little to do with this
distinction. The stamina, skills, and risk of bodily harm can be matched, all or in part, by other
sports. They can't; however, match the unusual combination of sportsmanship, camaraderie,
humor, and enthusiasm which surfaces after the game has finished. In no other sport can the
participants indulge in such vicious bodily contact, cause or sustain an assortment of hurt and
injury then, win or lose, join the opponents in a convivial party to share an evening of rowdy
song and drink, even going so far as to pay for the enemy's beer.
The post-match function, all true ruggers (and rugger-huggers) agree, is every bit as important
to the "tradition" of rugby as the game itself. The combination of beer and song serves as a
type of cement which bonds ruggers from all walks of life to a common enjoyment of the sport.
After all, isn't there a bit of a rowdy and a ruffian in all of us?
Rugby songs themselves are a traditional part of folklore and each team member owes it to
the team to learn them in order to participate more fully in the sport. The passage below was
taken from the preface to the book "Why was He Born So Beautiful and Other Rugby Songs"
by Michael Green, 1967. It more eloquently describes the animal known as the "rugby song"
32 CAP PELLETIER
and is reprinted here without the permission of the publisher and in
complete disregard for
copyright policies, just as Michael Green did in compiling his own book.
It has often been said that what happens after a game of rugby is more important
then what happens on the field and the sing-song is one of the chief post-match
activities. Perhaps it is rather stretching it to use the word "sing." The noise
which comes out of a rugby clubhouse on Saturday night has little in common
with the work of Marie Callas and Benjamin Britten, although the
dissonant
half-tones, like an elderly bagpipe exploding, which mark attempts at harmony,
might gladden the heart of a Kurdian shepherd.
Yet the rugby song does have a crude sort of folk culture all of its own. At its
worst it is simply a bawdy chorus, a Chaucerian obsession with the basic
functions of the human body being the essential linking them of all
good rugby
songs. At its best it may tell a moving story or make a pertinent social comment.
Keir Hardie himself could not have resisted the socialist appeal of "they're
digging up father's grave to build a sewer," the story of an honest
British
workman who was exhumed for the building of a sewer up to "some dirty pesh's
residence" and who retaliated by haunting the aristocrat's lavatory seat. And
his heart would be hard indeed who was not moved by the tragedy of Morphine
Bill and Cocaine Sue who after killing themselves with drugs (Honey
have a sniff
on me) were buried side by side.
Some rugby songs tell a narrative story of heroic proportions in
"recitative,"
such as the famous "Eskimo Nell" or the witty story of the
incredible "Wild West
Show," from which the word Oozekum Bird has passed into the language as a
symbol of futility. Others, like "Oh, You Zulu Warriors" depend for their
appeal on violent physical actions by the participants, such as pouring beer over
the singer. A large section are derived from hymn tunes, and while they would
scarcely be accepted by ecclesiastical authorities they have a grim attraction of
their own.
Truly there is something for everybody, providing they can drink enough beer . .-.
to dull their finer senses. This volume itself could serve as a treasure trove for
the psychologist. The literature fills a gap in English Literature (somewhere
between Smellet and Henry, I think). I commend it to all rugby players who can
read, while even front-row forwards will enjoy having it spelled out for them.
As you look at this section you will notice that I have attempted to alphabetize it in order to
make it easier for you to find what you want. Even though I can sing most of these songs, I do
not know the name of some of the tunes. Where I did, I have included
it in parens under the
song name. In addition to those all important rugby songs that we've all come to know and
adore, I've included numerous toasts and chants. As is the way of life, there are some songs,
etc., that would normally be performed by men and some that would normally be performed
by women (or some of you sweet guys). Learn these songs and you may never win a rugby
match but I can assure you that you and your team will never loose the party after the match.
Hopefully you'll agree that I have compiled more songs, toasts, and chants than you've ever
heard, let alone personally know. However, if you know some others please write them down
and forward them to me. I'll try to include them in the next revision of this book. Thanks!
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 33
A Rugby Toast
(Toast)
Here's to American,
Land of the puss.
Where one in the hand,
Is worth two in the bush.
But the girls all say,
If you can make it stand,
A push in the bush
Is worth two in the hand!
34 CAP PELLETIER
A Song About Turds
CHORUS: Toorala, Tooralay,
A rolling stone gathers no moss so they say;
Sing along with the birds
It's a beautiful song but it's all about turds.
There was an old lady who lived on West Street,
And she was all stopped up from too much to eat,
So she swallowed some pills without reading the box,
And the first thing she knew turds came flying like rocks.
She ran to the window and stuck out her ass,
Just as she did a young cowboy did pass,
He turned to the sound that he heard up on high,
And a bloody great turd hit him right in the eye.
He ran to the east and he ran to the west,
A bloody great turd hit him right in the chest.
He ran to the north and he ran to the south,
Another great turd hit him right in the mouth.
If ever you pass o'er the Flat River Bridge,
And see a young cowboy asleep on the ridge,
Just stop by the roadside and pray for a bit,
Drop a tear for a cowboy whose buried in shit.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 35
A Toast To Beer
(Toast)
If I had a dog that could piss this stuff
And I was sure that dog could piss enough
I'd tie his head to the foot of my bed
And such his dick 'til we both dropped dead.
36 CAP PELLETIER
A Toast To Madge
(Toast)
("Madge" is replaced by the name of the woman you want to
honor.)
Here's to Madge, that filthy bitch
Whose cunt is lined with sever year itch
Green matter oozes between her toes
Filthy corruption flows through her nose.
Yet before I climb those scaly thighs
And suck those crusty tits
I'd rather drink a quart of buzzard's piss
And swim the River Shits.
Oh cunt, oh cunt, thy deep and bottomless pit
All matted with hair and covered with shit
Like a pole cat's ass that smellest so bad
Oh cunt, oh cunt, thou must be had.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 37
A Toast To The Ladies
(Toast)
Here's to the breezes that blow through the treeses
That lifts the girls' chemises above their kneeses
To show us what pleases, and teases, and squeezes
And gives us vereal diseases, By Jesus!
!
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38 CAP PELLETIER
Abortion
(Sung to the tune of "Jadda")
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well you get that poker nice and hot,
Then you shove it way up in her twat.
Oh Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sticks and coat hangers and all the rest,
But I like Drano, it's the best.
Oh Abortion, Abortion, A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Babv Fuck, Baby Fuck, B-A-B-Y F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Baby Fuck, Baby Fuck, B-A-B-Y F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
First you throw the baby on the bed,
And then you fuck the soft spot in its head.
Oh Baby Fuck, Baby Fuck, B-A-B-Y F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Eastside, westside, northside, south,
My baby likes it best when I cum in her mouth.
Oh Blow Job, Blow Job, B-L-O-W J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Eastside, westside, northside, down,
My baby likes it best when I cum in her brown.
Bum Fuck, Bum Fuck, B-U-M F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
They may be fat and they may be thin,
But they're all beauty queens when you get it in.
Dirtbag, Dirtbag, D-I-R-T-B-A-G (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Hand Job, Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Hand Job, Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
You wrap your hand around your gland,
You slap it around 'til it just won't stand.
Hand Job, Hand Job, H-A-N-D J-O-B (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
She wraps her legs around your face,
You lick and slobber all over the place.
Muff Dive, Muff Dive, M-U-F-F D-I-V-E (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 39
ABORTION (Continued)
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Back door, cornhole, it's a gas,
You ram that pecker right up her ass.
Poop Shoot, Poop Shoot, P-O-O-P S-H-O-O-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well it's mangey, rangey, and covered with hair,
But what would you do if it wasn't there?
Scrotum, Scrotum, S-C-R-O-T-U-M (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
I really mean it, S-C-R-O-T-U-M.
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
It's white and cheesy, and it smells like taint,
But if you eat too much, you're liable to faint.
Smegma, Smegma, S-M-E-G-M-A (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
You put the sheep's legs inside your boots,
So she won't change her mind when you're about to shoot.
Sodomy, Sodomy, S-O-D-O-M-Y (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
She'll swallow it all and she'll swallow it well,
She'll swallow it all 'cause she ain't on the pill.
Swallow, Swallow, S-W-A-L-L-O-W (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
It's not the ass and it's not the cunt,
It's the little bit of heaven 'tween the rear and the front.
Taint, Taint, T-A-I-N-T (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Northside, southside, eastside, west,
My baby likes it best when I cum on her chest.
Oh Tit Fuck, Tit Fuck, T-I-T F-U-C-K (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
Well their just a part of the epiderm,
But I like 'em best when they're big and firm.
Titties, Titties, T-I-T-T-I-E-S (Ba-Bum, Bum, Bum)
40 CAP PELLETIER
All The Nice Girls Love A Candle (Ship Ahoy)
All the nice girls love a candle,
All the nice girls love a wick,
For there's something about a candle
Which reminds them of a prick.
Nice and greasy, slips in easy,
It's a young girl's pride and joy,
Just to walk along the front,
With a candle up her cunt.
Ship ahoy girls, ship ahoy. -
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 41
Alouette
(Sung to the tune of "Alouette")
CHORUS: Alouette, gentille Alouette.
Alouette, gentille plumerai.
(Start with chorus first and insert it between each verse.)
Leader: Does she have the scraggly hair?
Group: Yes, she has the scraggly hair.
Leader: Scraggly hair.
Group: Scraggly hair.
Leader: Alouette.
Group: Alouette.
Leader: OH!
Leader: Does she have the furrowed brow?
Group: Yes, she has the furrowed brow.
Leader: Furrowed brow.
Group: Furrowed brow.
Leader: Scraggly hair.
Group: Scraggly hair.
Leader: Alouette.
Group: Alouette.
Leader: OH!
(Continue in this fashion, adding the current descriptive phrase and then repeating all
previous descriptive phrases.)
Two glass eyes?
Broken nose?
Two capped teeth?
Double chin?
Swinging tits?
Pot belly?
Clammy thighs?
Furry thing?
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42 CAPPELLETIER
An Engineer's Dream
(Sung to the tune of "A Froggie Went A Courtin")
An engineer told me before he died,
(CHORUS) A-rump-titty-rump-titty-rump-titty-rump
An engineer told me before he died,
And I've no reason to believe he lied,
(CHORUS) A-ramp-titty-ramp-titty-rump-titty-rump
A-rump-titty-rump-titty-rump-titty-ramp
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He knew a whore with a cunt so wide, The moral of the story you know damn well,
That she could not be satisfied, f you sit coming you better
run like hell.
So he built a prick of steel,
And hooked it up to a big fuckin' wheel,
Two brass balls were filled with cream,
And the whole thing was driven by steam,
He laid her down upon the bed,
And tied her legs behind her head,
Then he put the machine in position to duck,
He removed her pants and wished her luck,
In and out went the prick of steel,
Round and round went the big fuckin' wheel,
Up and up went the level of steam,
Down and down went the level of cream,
I
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough, enough I'm satisfied,"
Now we come to the sad little bit,
There was no way of stopping it,
She was split from ass to tit,
The whole fuckin' thing was covered in shit,
Now we come to the part that's grim,
It jumped off her and jumped on him,
Now we come to the part that's true,
It jumped off him and jumped on you,
The very last time that it was seen,
It was trying to rape a threshing machine,
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 43
As I Was Walking
As I was walking through the woods,
I screwed myself, I knew I would,
I cried for help but no help came
And so I screwed myself again.
As I was walking through St. Paul's
The curate grabbed me by the balls,
I cried for help but no help came
And so he grabbed my balls again.
44 CAPPELLETIER
Barnacle Bill The Sailor
(Sung to the tune of "Barnacle Bill the Sailor")
WOMAN'S VOICE: Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Cried the fair young maiden.
MAN'S VOICE: Oh, it's only me from across the sea.
Cried Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
WOMAN'S VOICE: Why are you knocking at my door?
Why are you knocking at my door?
Why are you knocking at my door?
Cried the fair young maiden.
MAN'S VOICE: Cos I'm young enough, and ready and tough.
Cried Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
(THIS BEING BASIC FORMAT, THE REMAINING VERSES ARE SUMMARIZED.)
Will you take me to the dance?
To hell with the dance down with your pants.'
You can sleep upon the floor.
I'll not sleep on the floor you dirty whore.
You can sleep upon the mat.
Oh, bugger the mat you can't fuck that.
You can sleep upon the stairs.
Oh, fuck the stairs they haven't got hairs.
What's that running up my blouse?
It's only me mitt to grab yer tit.
You can sleep between my tits.
Oh, bugger your tits they give me the shits.
You can sleep between my thighs.
Bugger your thighs they're covered in flies.
You can sleep within my cunt.
Oh, bugger your cunt but I'll fuck for a stunt.
What's that running in and out?
It's only me cock, it's as hard as a rock.
What's that running down my leg?
It's only me shot that missed yer twat.
What if my parents should find out?
We'll eat your ma and blow your pa.
What if my mother should disagree?
If yer ma'U agree we'll make it three.
What if we should get the (clap!)?
Gotta be willin' to take penicillin.
What if I should have a child?
We'll drown the bugger and fuck for another.
What if you should go to jail?
I'll pick the lock with my ten-foot cock.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 45
Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends
(Sung to the tune of "Stars and Stripes Forever")
Be kind to your web-footed friends
For a duck may be somebody's mother
Be kind to your friends in the swamp
Where the weather is cool and damp
Now you may think that this is the end
Well it is ...
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46 CAPPELLETIER
Beer is Best
It was down in the Libyan Desert
Beneath the burning sun
When along came a dirty old warrior
With water in his hand.
I said, "You dirty old warrior.
How do you Gunga Din?
Take that stuff away from me,
And go and find a brewery." - :
'Cause beer is best! Have another one!
Beer is best! Drink it up again!
It makes you fit, it makes you strong,
It puts more muscle in your old ding-dong.
'Cause beer makes bonny babies!
Puts hair upon your chest! Big chest!
What did Adam say to Eve but,
Beer is Best!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 47
Bestiality's Best!
(Sung to the tune of "Wallaby Song")
CHORUS: Bestiality's best boys, bestiality's best.
Fuck a wallaby!
Bestiality's best boys, bestiality's best.
Fuck a wallaby!
Blow your rocks in an ox boys, blow your rocks in an ox.
Fuck a wallaby!
Blow your rocks in an ox boys, blow your rocks in an ox.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the spunk of a skunk boys, in the spunk of a skunk.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the spunk of a skunk boys, in the spunk of a skunk.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the rear of a deer boys, in the rear of a deer.
Fuck a wallaby!
In the rear of a deer boys, in the rear of a deer.
Fuck a wallaby!
48 CAP PELLETIER
Bill Bailey
(Sung to the tune of "Bill Bailey")
CHORUS: Rip roar a tie-tie-ay,
Rip roar a tie-tie-ay,
Rip roar a tie-tie.
Rip roar a tucky-tucky,
Rip roar a tucky-tucky-aaaay.
I saw Bill Bailey
Out with the ladies
Under a starry sky
Then along came his wife
With a bloody great knife
And she chopped off the end
Of his tooral-ly-ay, Hey!
Off to the courthouse
He was lumbered
Charged with adultery
But the charge wouldn't stick
For he hadn't a prick
Cause she chopped off the end
Of his tooral-ly-ay, Hey!
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 49
Black Velvet Band
(Sung to the tune of "Black Velvet Band")
CHORUS: Her eyes they shone like diamonds,
They call her the Queen of the land.
And her hair hung over her shoulders,
Tied up with a black velvet band.
In a neat little town they call Belfast,
Apprentice to trade I was found,
Many an hour sweet happiness, -
Have I spent in this neat little town,
A sad misfortune came over me,
Which caused me to stray from the land,
Far away from my friends and relations,
Betrayed by the black velvet band.
I took a strole down Broadway,
Meaning not long for to stay,
When who should I meet,
But this pretty fair maid,
Came a strolling along the highway,
She was both fair and handsome,
And her neck it was just like a swan,
And her hair it hung over her shoulder,
Tied up with a black velvet band.
I took a strole with this pretty fair maid,
And the gentleman passing us by,
Well I knew she meant the doing of him,
By the look in her roguish black eye,
The gold watch she took from his pocket,
And placed it right into my hand,
And the very first thing that I said was,
Bad luck to the black velvet band.
50 CAP PELLETIER
Boy Meets Girl
Boy meets girl, holds her hand,
Visions of a promised land,
Tender words, cling and kiss,
Crafty feel, heavenly bliss,
Nibble nipples, squeeze thighs,
Gets a beat, feels a rise,
Eyes ablaze, drawers down,
Really starts to go to town,
Legs outspread, virgin lass,
Fanny foams like bottled Bass,
Ram it home, moans of joy,
Teenage love, girl meets boy,
Love's a jewel, pearls he's won,
Shoots his load, what's he done,
Comes the pay off, here's the rub,
He's got her in the pudding club,
Comes the wedding, bridesmaids flap,
Love and cherish, all that crap,
A tubby turn, weighty gain,
Prams and nappies, labour pain,
Begins to realize what he did,
Nagging wife and screaming kid,
Sweats his prick off, works his stint;
Only pleasure is evening time,
When mattress creaks she's off again,
Can't forsake those sexy habits,
Breeding kids like bloody rabbits.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 51
Brother Johnny
("Johnny" is replaced by the name of the person who messes up a solo.)
Here's to Brother Johnny, Brother Johnny, Brother Johnny.
Here's to Brother Johnny who's with us tonight.
He beats it, he eats it, he often mistreats it.
Here's to Brother Johnny who's with us tonight.
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52 CAP PELLETIER
By The Light
(Sung to the tune of "By The Light Of The Silvery Moon")
By the light,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
Of the flickering match,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
I saw her snatch,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
In the watermelon patch,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish.
By the light,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
Of the flickering match,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
I saw her gleam, I heard her scream, you are burning my snatch,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish,
With your God damned match,
tish, tish, tish, tish, tish, tish.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 53
Bye, Bye. Blackbird
(Sung to the tune of "Bye, Bye, Blackbird")
Once a boy was no good,
Took a girl into a wood,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Laid her down upon the grass,
Pinched her tits and slapped her ass,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Took her where nobody else could find her,
To a place where he could really grind her,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Rolled her over on her front,
Shoved his prick right up her cunt,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
But this girl was no sport,
Took her story to a court,
Bye, Bye, Blackbird.
Told her story in the morn,
All the jury had a horn,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
Then the judge came to his decision,
This poor sod got eighteen months in prison,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
So next time, boy, do it right,
Stuff her cunt with dynamite,
Blackbird, Bye, Bye.
54 CAP PELLETIER
Cal Drinking Song
Oh, we had a little party down in Newport,
There was Harry, there was Larry, there was Grace.
Oh, we had a little party down in Newport,
And we had to carry Harry from the place.
Oh, we had to carry Harry to the ferry,
And we had to carry him to the shore.
And the reason that we had to carry Harry to the ferry,
Was that Harry couldn't carry anymore.
For San Fernando, for San Fernando,
The hills resound the cry, we're out to do or die.
For San fernando, for San Fernando,
We'll win the game or know the reason why.
And when the game is over we will buy a case of booze,
And we'll drink to San Fernando 'til we wallow in our shoes.
So drink, tra-la-la
Drink, drank, drunk last night
Drunk the night before
Gonna get drunk tonight like we've never been drunk before
'Cause when I'm drunk I'm as happy as can be
For I'm a member of the Souse family.
Oh, the Souse family is the best family
That ever came over from old Germany.
There's the Highland Dutch and the Lowland Dutch,
And the goddamn Dutch and the Irish.
Sing Glorious! Victorious!
One keg of beer for the four of us.
Sing Glory be to God that there are no more of us,
For one of us could drink it all alone, damned near.
Here's to the Irish. Dead drunk!
The lucky stiffs.
They had four fifths,
And a six pack, too. Brew 102.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 55
Can You Walk A Little Way With It In?
(Sung to the tune of "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
Can you walk a little way with it in, with it in?
Can you walk a little way with it in?
"Oh," she answered with a smile,
"I can walk a nicking mile,
With it in, with it in, with it in."
56 CAP PELLETIER
Cathusalem
CHORUS: Hi ho Cathusalem, Cathusalem, Cathusalem,
Hi ho Cathusalem, Harlot of Jerusalem.
In the days of old there lived a maid,
She was the mistress of her trade,
A prostitute of high repute,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
Though she screwed for many a year,
Of pregnancy she had no fear,
She washed her passage with beer,
The best in all Jerusalem.
Now in a hovel by the wall,
A student lived with but one ball,
Who'd been through all, or nearly all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.
His phallic limb was lean and tall,
His phallic art caused all to fall,
And victims lined the Wailing Wall,
That goes around Jerusalem.
One night returning from a spree,
With customary whore-lust he,
Made up his mind to call and see,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
It was for her no fortune good,
That he needed to root his pud,
And chose her out of all the breed,
Of harlots of Jerusalem.
With artful eye and leering look,
He took out from its filthy nook,
His organ stisted like a crook,
The Pride of Old Jerusalem.
He put the whore against the slum,
And tied her at the knee and bum,
Just where the strain would come,
Upon the fair Cathusalem.
He siezed the harlot by the bun,
And rattling like a Lewis gun,
He sewed the seed of many a son,
Into the fair Cathusalem.
Then up there came an Onanite,
With warty balls smeared with shit,
He'd sworn he would ball that night,
The harlot of Jerusalem.
So when he saw the grunting pair,
With roars of rage he rent the air,
Vowed that he would soon take care,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
He siezed the bastard by his crook,
And with a single furious look,
Flung him over Kedren's Brook,
That babbles past Jerusalem.
The student gave a furious roar,
And rushed to even up the score,
And with his swollen cock did bore,
The rapist of Cathusalem.
And reeling full of rags and fight,
He pushed the bastard Onanite,
And rubbed his face in Cathy's shit,
The foulest in Jerusalem.
Cathusalem she knew her part,
She closed her ass and blew a fart,
That sent him flying like a dart,
Right over old Jerusalem.
And buzzing like a bumble bee,
He flew straight out towards the sea,
But caught his asshole in a tree,
That grows in old Jerusalem.
And to this day you still can see,
His asshole hanging from that tree,
Let that to you a warning be,
When passing through Jerusalem.
And when the moon is bright and red,
A castrated fern sails overhead,
Still raining curses on the head,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 57
CATHUSALEM (Continued)
It was a sight to make you sick, As for the student and his
lass,
To hear him grunt so fast & quick, Many a playful night did pass,
As he tore with his crooked dick, Until she joined the V.D. class,
The womb of fair Cathusalem. For harlots of Jerusalem.
58 CAP PELLETIER
Cats On The Rooftop
CHORUS: Singing cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles,
Cats with the clap and cats with the piles,
Cats with their asses wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
When you wake up in the morn with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman use you own horny hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.
The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife,
So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
When you find yourself in springtime with a surge of sexual joy,
And your wife has got the rag on and your daughter's rather coy,
Then jam it up the arse hole of your favorite choirboy,
As you revel in a smooth ejaculation.
The ostrich on the pampas is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But whenever it does it slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The elephant's dong is big and round,
A small one weighs a thousand pound,
Two together shake the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And you can't tell the he from the she,
But he can tell and so can she,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
The donkey is a lonely bloke,
He hardly ever gets a poke,
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The hippopotamus so it seems,
Rarely, if ever, has wet dreams,
But when he does he comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 59
CATS ON THE ROOFTOP (Continued)
The camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The flea cavorts among the trees,
And there consorts with whom he please,
To fill the land with bastard fleas,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect he stands a foot or so,
So when he comes it's time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
The orangutan is a colorful sight,
There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light,
As it jumps and it leaps in the night,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.
Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale-faced spinsters shag like stoats,
And the whole damn works stands by and gloats,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.
A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To sit and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.
!
60 CAP PELLETIER
Charlotte The Harlot
(Sung to the tune of "Sweet Betsy From Pike")
CHORUS: She's filthy, she's nasty,
She spits on the floor,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.
Way out in the wild west where the bullshit lies thick,
Where the women are women and the cowboys come quick,
There lives a fair maiden of forty or more,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.
She's handy, she's bandy, she screws in the street,
Whenever you meet her she's always in heat,
If you leave your fly open she's after your meat,
And the small of her cunt knocks you right off your feet.
She's easy, she's breezy, she's my hearts delight,
I'll fuck her by day and fuck her by night,
And each time I fuck her she shouts out, "Encore,"
I call that great fucking and I want some more.
One night on the prairie while riding along,
One hand on my pistol and one on my dong,
What should I spy but the maid I adore,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.
One night I was riding way down by the falls,
One hand on my pistol, the other on my balls,
What should I see but Charlotte using a stick,
Instead of the end of a cowpuncher's prick.
One night on the desert her legs opened wide,
A rattlesnake saw it and climbed up inside,
Now all the cowboys on Saturday night,
Come see the vagina that rattles and bites.
I leapt from my saddle and reached for her crack,
But the damn thing was rattling and bit me back,
I pulled out my six gun and aimed for its head,
But the damn thing misfired and shot Charlotte instead.
I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her down there,
And parted the tresses of curly brown hair,
Inserted the penis of my sturdy horse,
And then there began a strange intercourse.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 61
CHARLOTTE THE HARLOT (Continued)
Faster and faster went my sturdy steed,
Until Charlotte rejoiced at the speed,
When all of a sudden my horse did backfire,
And shot Charlotte right into the mire.
He got Charlotte all covered in much,
And said, "Oh dear, cowboy, what a glorious fuck,"
She stepped a pace forward and fell flat on the floor,
And that was the end of the cowpuncher's whore.
The funeral procession was forty miles long,
And all of the cowboys were signing the song,
"Here lies a maiden who never kept score,
Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore."
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62 CAPPELLETIER
l
Charlotte The Harlot Lav Dying
CHORUS: "I've been had by the army, the navy,
By a bullfighting toreador,
By dages and dronges and dinges,
But never by maggots before,
So roll back your dirty old assholes,
And give me the cream of your nuts."
So they rolled back their dirty old assholes,
And played "Home Sweet Home" on her guts.
Charlotte the Harlot lay dying,
A piss-pot supported her head,
The blow-flies were buzzing around her,
She lay on her left tit and said:
Charlotte the Harlot repented,
She'd never have another bang,
She wanted to go to heaven,
So she rolled on her right tit and sang:
Charlotte the Harlot was buried,
The town was much quieter than before,
But one night at the local brothel,
Her ghost appeared in the beer.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 63
Christopher Columbo
CHORUS: His balls they were so round — o
His cock hung to the ground—o
That fornicating, copulating
Son-of-a-bitch Columbo.
In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
A man whose name was Chris
Stood by the Trevi fountain
Indulging in a piss.
Along did come the Queen of Spain
And glimpsing there his dong,
Forthwith was smitten with desire
And knew not right from wrong.
"Oh, Isabelle," Columbo said,
A-waving of his balls,
"The world is round as these are,
I feel that duty calls."
"Just wait a bit," said Isabelle,
"And don't forget essentials,
For I've a mind to have a grind
And check on your credentials."
She gave her guest no time for rest,
The pace was fairly killing,
With legs apart he gave the tart
A cream and cherry filling.
With lustful shout they ran about
And practised copulation,
And when they left to sail away
They'd doubled the population.
And when his men pulled out again,
And reckoned all their score up,
They'd caught a pox from every box
That syphilized all Europe.
For forty days and forty nights
He sailed the broad Atlantic,
Columbo and his scurvy crew
For want of a screw were frantic.
The first mate's name was John
They loved him like a brother,
And every night in the pale moonlight
They corn-holed each other.
An Indian maid ran down the beach
Columbo he pursued her
The white of an egg ran down her leg
Columbo he unscrewed her.
And when they got to Yankee land
They spied a Yankee harlot
When they came her arse was lily-white
When they left her arse was scarlet.
64 CAP PELLETIER
Christopher Robin
(Sung to the tune of "Christopher Robin")
Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs
Clutched in his hand
are a bunch of white hairs
Oh my just fancy that
Christopher Robin castrated the cat.
Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed
Lily-white hands are caressing his head
Oh my couldn't be worse
Christopher Robin is shagging his nurse.
Little boy sits on the lavatory pan
Gently caressing his little old man
Flip flop into the tank
Christopher Robin is having a wank.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 65
Clementine
(Sung to the tune of "Clementine")
CHORUS: I owe my darlin', I owe my darlin',
I owe my darlin' Clementine,
Three bent pennies and a nickel,
Oh my darlin' Clementine.
There she stood beside the bar rail,
Drinking pink gins for two bits,
And the swollen whiskey barrels
Stood in awe beside her tits.
Eyes of whiskey, lips of water
As she sodden at me peer,
Dawns the daylight in her temple
With a fucking-warming leer.
Hung me guitar on the bar rail
At the sweetness of the sign,
In one leap lept out me trousers
Plunged into the foaming brine.
She was bawdy, she was busty
She could match the great Buzoom,
As she strained out of her bloomers
Like a melon tree in bloom.
Oh the oak tree and the cypress
Never more together twine,
Since that creeping poison ivy
Laid its blight on Clementine.
66 CAPPELLETIER
Cockles and Mussels
(Sung to the tune of "Molly Malone")
CHORUS: Alive, alive-o, alive, alive-o
Singing cockles and mussels
Alive, alive-o.
In Dublin's fair city where girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
As she wheeled her wheel barrow, through streets broad and
narrow
Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.
She was a fishmonger, but sure twas no wonder
For so were her father and mother before
And they each wheeled the barrow, through streets broad and narrow
Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.
She died of a fever and no one could save her
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
Her ghost wheels her barrow, through streets broad and narrow
Singing cockles and mussels alive, alive-o.
!
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 67
Court Of The Horny Five Sweetheart Song
(Sung to the tune of "In The Mood")
CHORUS: In the mood, hard on crazy rhythm,
In the mood, hard on crazy rhythm,
In the mood, hard on crazy rhythm,
Up tight, and out of sight, and in the mood.
She's got nipples on her tits just as big as your thumb.
She's got somethin tween her legs to make a dead man cum.
She's got shoo-fly pie - apple pandowdy,
Makes your balls rise up and makes your pecker say "Howdy!".
You can huff and you can puff and you can strut your stuff,
But you can't eat enough of her wonderful muff!
Oh, the nipples on her tits are as big as my thumb.
The wiggle of her ass will make a dead man cum.
She's a mean mother fucker and a great cocksucker.
She's my girl; she fucks.
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68 CAP PELLETIER
Courtin' In The Kitchen
CHORUS: Tooral ooral ooral ooral a, tooral ooral addy,
Tooral ooral ooral ooral a, tooral ooral addy.
Come single belle and beau, unto me pay attention,
Don't ever fall in love for 'tis the devil's own invention.
Once I fell in love with a maiden so bewitchin',
Miss Henrietta Bell out of Captain Kelly's kitchen.
At the age of seventeen I was 'prenticed to a grocer,
Not far from Stephen's Green where Miss Henry used to go, Sir.
Her manners were sublime, she set me heart atwitchin',
And she invited me to a hooley in the kitchen.
Next Sunday being the day we were to have the flare up,
I dressed meself quite gay, an' I frizzed and oiled my hair up.
The captain had no wife, faith, he had gone out fishing,
So we kicked up high life down below stairs on the kitchen.
Just as the clock struck six we sat down to the table,
She handed tea and cake and I ate while I was able.
I drank hot punch and tea till me sides had got a stitch in,
And the hours passed quick away with the courtin' in the kitchen.
With me arms around her waist she slyly hinted marriage,
To the door in dreadful haste came Captain Kelly's carriage.
Her eyes soon filled with hate and poison she was spitting,
When the Captain at the door walked straight into the kitchen.
She flew up off my knees, full five feet up or higher,
And over head and heels, threw me slap into the fire.
My new Repealer's coast, that I bought from Mr. Mitchell, '- ,
With a twenty shilling note, went to blazes in the kitchen.
I grieved to see my duds, all smeared with soot and ashed,
When a tub of dirty suds, right in my face she dashed.
As I lay on the floor and the water she kept pit chin',
The footman broke the door, and marched down into the kitchen.
When the Captain came downstairs, tho' he saw my situation,
In spite of all my prayers, I was marched off to the station.
For me they'd take no bail, tho' to get home I was itchin',
But I had to tell the tale, how I came into the kitchen.
I said she did invite me but she gave a flat denial,
For assault she did indict me and I was sent to trial.
She swore I robbed the house in spite of all her screetchin',
And I got six months hard for me courtin' in the kitchen.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 69
Daisy
(Sung to the tune of "Daisy")
Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer do.
I'm half crazy,
Six inches into you.
It won't be a stylish entry,
I can't afford a frenchie.
But you'll look sweet,
Between the sheets,
When I'm six inches into you.
70 CAP PELLETIER
Darkie Sunday School
CHORUS: Young folk, old folk, everybody come
To the darkie Sunday School
And we'll have lots of fun
Bring your sticks of chewing gum
And sit upon the floor
And we'll tell you Bible stories
That you've never heard before.
Mow Adam was the tirst man
So we're led to believe
He walked into the garden
And bumped right into Eve
There was no one there to show him
But he quickly found the way
And that's the very reason
Why we're singing here today.
The Lord said unto Noah
"It's going to rain today"
So Noah built a bloody great Ark
In which to sail away,
The animals went in two by two
But soon got up to tricks
So, although they came in two by two
They came out six by six.
Now Moses in the bullrushes
Was all wrapped up in swathe
Pharaoh's daughter found him
When she went down there to bathe
She took him back to Pharaoh
And said, "I found him on the shore"
And Pharaoh winked his eye and said
"I've heard that one before."
King Solomon and King David
Lived most immoral lives
Spent their time a-chasing
After other people's wives
The Lord spake unto both of them
And it worked just like a charm
'Cos Solomon wrote the Proverbs
And David wrote the Psalms.
Now Samson was an israelite
And very big and strong
Delilah was a Philistine
Always doing wrong.
They spent a week together
But it didn't get very hot
For all he got was a short back and sides
And a little bit off the top.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 71
Diamond Lily
Oh her name is Diamond Lily
She's a whore in Piccadilly,
And her brother has a brothel in the Strand,
Her father sells his arse hole
At the Elephant and Castle,
They're the richest fucking family
in the land.
There's a man deep in a dungeon
With his hand upon his prick
And the shadow of his prick upon the wall
And the ladies as they pass
Stick their hat-pins up his arse,
And the little mice play billiards
with his balls.
There's a little green urinal
To the north of Waterloo
And another a little further up,
There's a member of the army
Playing tunes upon his dick
While the passers-by put pennies in his cup.
72 CAP PELLETIER
Did You Ever See
CHORUS: Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Did you ever see,
Such a funny thing before.
Oh, I got an Aunty Sissy,
And she's only got one titty,
But it's very long and pointed
And the nipple's double jointed.
I've got a cousin Daniel,
And he's got a cocker spaniel,
If you tickled 'im in the middle
He would lift his leg and piddle.
Oh, I've got a cousin Rupert,
He plays outside center for Newport,
The think so much about him 1
That they always play without him.
Oh, I've got a cousin Anna,
And she's got a grand piana,
And she ram aram arama,
Till the neighbors say "God Damn Her."
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 73
Do Yours Hang Low?
(Sung to the tune of "Do Your Ears Hang Low")
Do your balls hang low?
Do they dangle to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you sling 'em o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your balls hang low?
74 CAP PELLETIER
Don't Say No
(Chanted)
Oh, my darlin', don't say no,
Onto the sofa you must go.
Up with your petticoat,
Down with your drawers,
You tickle mine
And I'll tickle yours.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 75
Eskimo Nell
(Recited)
Gather round all you whorey
Gather round and hear this story.
When a man grows old, & his balls grow cold
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
It bends in the middle like a 1 string fiddle
He can tell you a tale or two.
So pull up a chair, and stand me a drink
And a tale to you I'll tell
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun
It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun.
When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad
It's always a cunt that bears the brunt
But the shooting ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek
And such was their luck they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.
Just a moose or two and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
This fucking was might slow.
So do or dare this horny pair
Set forth for the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his mighty prick
And Pete with his gun in his hand.
And as they blazed their noisy trail
No man their path withstood,
And many a bride, her husband's pride
A pregnant widow stood.
They reached the strand of the Rio Grande
At the height of a blazing noon,
And to slack their thirst and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's Saloon.
And as they pushed the great doors wide
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You drink or fuck with me."
They'd heard of Dead-eye Dick,
From Maine to Panama
So with scarcely worse than a muttered curse
Those dagos sought the bar.
The girls too knew his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grande,
And forty whores pulled down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.
They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete
Itch on the trigger grip
And they didn't wait, at fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts
So forty arses were bared to view
And likewise forty cunts.
Now forty cunts and forty arses
If you can use your wits,
And if you're slick at arithmetic,
Makes exactly eighty tits.
Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand
It may be rare in Berkeley Square
But not on the Rio Grande.
Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done just to show his fun
And to wet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
As he backed and took a run
He made a dart at the nearest tart
And scored a hole in one.
76 CAP PELLETIER
ESKIMO NELL (Continued)
He bore her to the sandy floor
And there he fucked her fine
And though she grinned
It put the wind up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick
He's got no time to spare,
For speed & length combined with strength
He fairly singes hair.
He made a dart at the next spare tart,
When into that harlot's hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid,
And her name it was Eskimo Nell.
By this time Dick had got his prick
Well into number two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell,
She bawled to him, "Hey you."
He gave a flick of his muscular prick
And the girl flew over his head,
And he wheeled about with an angry shout.
His face and his prick were red.
She glanced our hero up and down,
His looks she seemed to decry,
With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn
That rose from his hairy thigh.
She blew the smoke from her cigarette
Over his steaming knob
So utterly beat was Mexican Pete
He failed to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents clear and cool,
"You cunt struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp.
You call that thing a tool?"
"If this here town can't take that down,"
She sneered to those cowering whores,
"There's one little cunt can do the stunt,
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She stripped her garments one by one
With an air of conscious pride
And as she stood in her womanhood
They saw the great divide.
She seated herself on a table top
Where someone had left his glass,
With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her arse.
She flexed her knees with supple ease,
And spread her legs apart,
With a friendly nod to the mangy sod
She gave him the cue to start.
But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two,
He meant to take his time,
And a girl like this was fucking bliss
So he played the pantomime.
He flexed his arse hole to and fro
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like granite knobs
On top of a garden gate.
He blew his anus inside out,
His balls increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick
Till it almost reached his eyes.
He polished it up with alcohol, ....
And made it steaming hot
To finish the job he sprinkled the knob
With a cayenne pepperpot.
Then neither did he take a run
Nor did he take a leap,
Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop
And a steady forward creep.
With piercing eye he took a sight
Along his mighty tool,
And the steady grin as he pushed it in
Was calculatedly cool.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 77
ESKIMO NELL (Continued)
Have you seen the giant pistons
On the mighty C.P.R.,
With the driving force of a thousand horse?
Well, you know what pistons are.
Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn
The ins and outs of the trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a guy like Dead-eye Dick. .
But Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
As good as whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And the rock of ages between.
Amid stops she could take the stream
Like the flush of a watercloset,
And she gripped his cock like a Yale Lock
On the National Safe Deposit.
But Dead-eye Dick could not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers,
If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind
For a couple of solid hours.
Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile,
The grip of her cunt grew keener,
Squeezing her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The basic cause and primary laws
That govern sexual science.
She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had stood the test,
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a second or two went West.
And so my friends we come to the end
Of copulation's classic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to an anesthetic.
He fell to the floor and knew no more,
His passions extinct and dead,
And he did not shout as his prick fell out
Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread.
Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront,
With jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt
He rammed it up her cunt.
He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired three times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstasy.
She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet
"Bully," she said, "for you.
Though I had guessed that that was the best
That you two poor cocks could do."
"When next, my friend, that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick
And yourself an elephant gun.
"I'm going back to the frozen North,
Where the pricks are hard and strong.
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long.
"It's hard as tin when they put it in . .-.
In the land where spunk is spunk
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream
But a solid frozen chunk.
"Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate.
"Back to the land of the grinding gland,
Where the walrus plays with his prong,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair
That's where they'll sing this song.
78 CAP PELLETIER
ESKIMO NELL (Continued)
"They'll tell this tale on the Arctic Trail
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold that the Johnnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow.
"In the valley of death with baited breath
That's where they'll sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle,
And the rotting corpses screw..
"Back to the land where men are men,
Terra Bellicum,
And there I'll spend my worthy end
For the North is calling: 'Come.'"
So Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk out of the Rio Grande,
Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick
And Pete with no gun in his hand.
!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 79
Eyes Right
(Chanted)
Eyes right,
Skin back tight,
Bollocks to the front.
We're the boys who make no noise,
When we go hunting cunt.
We're the riders of the night,
And we'd rather fuck than fight.
We're the riders of the (your team's name) RFC.
80 CAP PELLETIER
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Fa La La
CHORUS: Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
I'll be up your flue in a minute or two,
'Cause I know where to find it.
It's around the front and it's called the cunt,
And the asshole's right behind it.
My darling Grace, I love your face,
I love you in your nightie.
When the moonlight flits across your tits,
Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty.
I'll be up your gash as quick as a flash,
'Cause I am Jack the Ripper.
Though some have hairs and some are bald,
But they all small like a kipper.
I'll be between your thighs despite your lies,
Because you love me deary.
I'll be up and down and in and out,
Until you are too weary.
You'll be on your knees and begging please,
Because you are so horny.
I'll be round about and up your spout,
And gone before the morning.
*
The very best time I ever had,
Is when I take out Lucy.
'Cause after we dine and after we dance,
I get to eat her pussy.
)
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 81
Fanny Bay
If you ever go across the sea to Darwin,
Then maybe at the closing of the day,
You will see the local harlots
at their business,
And watch the sun go down on Fanny Bay.
Some are black and some are white,
And some are brindle,
And some are young
and some are old and grey,
But what will cost you twenty quid
in Lower Crown Street,
Will cost you half a zac in Fanny Bay.
82 CAP PELLETIER
Farmer's Daughter
CHORUS: I had her, I had her, I had her away.
I had her, I had her, I had her away.
(Repeat last two lines of each verse.)
I knew a farmer and I knew him well.
He had a daughter and her name was Nell.
She was so pretty and only sixteen,
When I showed her the works of my Thrashing Machine.
The barn door was open and I stepped inside.
Off in the corner so softly I spied.
She worked the throttle and I worked the steam,
As I showed her the works of my Thrashing Machine.
Well, three months went by and all was not well.
Something had happened to our little Nell.
For under her pinny could clearly be seen,
The diabolical works of my Thrashing Machine.
Now, nine months went by and a doctor was called.
Unto sweet Nellie a baby was born.
And under his nappy could clearly be seen,
A brand new, twin cylinder Thrashing Machine.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 83
Fuck Him
(Chanted)
He ought to be publicly pissed on.
He ought to be publicly shot. Bang! Bang!
And stuffed in a bloody urinal,
To lay there to fester and rot.
So him, him, FUCK HIM!
84 CAP PELLETIER
Gentlemen Should Please Refrain
(Sung to the tune of "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park")
Gentlemen should please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station for a while.
We encourage contemplation
While the train is in the station,
Cross your legs and grit your teeth and smile.
If you wish to pass some water -
You should sing out for a porter
Who will place a basin in the bog;
Tramps and hoboes underneath
Get it in the eye and teeth,
But that's what comes from being underdog.
Drinking while the train is moving
Is another way of proving,
That control of eye and hand is sure;
We like our clients to be neat,
So please don't wet upon the seat,
Or, even worse, don't splash upon the floor.
If the Ladies' Room be taken,
do not feel the least forsaken,
Never show the sign of sad defeat,
Try the Gents across the hall,
and if some man has felt the call
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.
If these efforts are in vain,
then simply break the window pane,
This novel method's used by very few,
We go strolling through the park,
a-goosing statues in the dark
If Peter Pan can take it, why can't you?
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 85
Glorious Beer
(Sung to the tune of "Food" from the opera Oliver)
CHORUS: Beer, beer, glorious beer,
Fill yourself right up to here.
Drink a good deal of it, make a good meal of it.
Stick to your old fashion beer,
Don't be afraid of it, drink till you're made of it.
Now all together a cheer,
Up with sale of it, down with a pale of it.
Glorious, glorious been.
Now I won't sing of Sherbert and water
For Sherbert and beer will not rhyme
The working man can't afford Champaigne
It's a bit more than two D a time
So I'll sing you a song of a garle
A garle that I love so dear
I all owe to that grand institution
That beautiful tonic called beer, beer, beer.
It's the daddy of all lubricators
The best thing there is for the neck
Can be used as a gargle or lotion
By persons of every sect
Now we know who the goddess of wine was
But was there a goddess of beer
If so let's drink to her health boys
And wish that we'd got her here, here, here.
So up, up with Brandies and sodas
But down and down with the beer
It's good for you when you're hungry
You can eat it without any fear
So mop up your beer while you're able
Of four-half let's have our fill
And I know you'll all join me in wishing
Good luck to my dear uncle Bill, Bill, Bill.
86 CAP PELLETIER
Harlequin's Lament
Scrum halves and centers and forwards, too.
Thumbs up their assholes with fuck-all to do.
Drinking our beer in the company of fools.
May the lord piss on you sideways.
May the lord piss on you sideways.
May the lord piss on you sideways.
Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
The first thing we ask for, we ask for is beer.
Beautiful, wonderful, glorious beer.
If we can have one beer, why can't we have ten?
Why can't we own a brewery?
Why can't we own a brewery?
Why can't we own a brewery?
'Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
The next thing we ask for, we ask for is girls.
Beautiful, wonderful, glorious girls.
If we can have one girl, why can't we have ten?
Why can't we own a whorehouse?
Why can't we own a whorehouse?
Why can't we own a whorehouse?
'Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
The last thing we ask for, we ask for is boys.
Beautiful, wonderful, glorious boys.
If we can have one boy, why can't we have ten?
Why can't we own a scout troop? %
Why can't we own a scout troop?
Why can't we own a scout troop?
'Tis the Harlequin's Lament.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 87
Here's To The Split
(Toast)
Here's to the split that never heals,
The longer you rub it the better it feels.
And all the soap this side of hell,
Can't wash away that fishy smell.
j
88 CAPPELLETIER
He's A Dirty Bastard
(Chanted)
For he's a dirty bastard,
Scum of the earth.
Born in a whorehouse.
Shit on, pissed on, showved around the universe.
Of all the son-of-a-bitches,
he is the worst.
Born down in (city of your choice),
The armpit of the universe.
So him, him, FUCK HIM!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 89
His Father Was A Eunuch
(Chanted)
His father was a eunuch,
He had no balls at all.
What could have been the use of him,
Is more than I recall.
Band, Bang, FUCK HIM.
90 CAP PELLETIER
Hitler Has Only Got One Ball
CHORUS: Hitler has only got one ball,
Stalin has two, but very small.
Himmler is very similar,
And poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.
We are from (your team's name) RFC.
We are always out to win.
Men, men very strong,
We are the forwards and backs again.
And if the forwards push very hard,
Backs play with all their hearts.
Men, men very strong,
We are the forwards and backs again.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 91
Hold 'Em Down You Zulu Warrior
(Sung to the tune of "Zulu Warrior")
Hold 'em down you Zulu Warrior,
Hold 'em down you Zulu Chief,
Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief!
I za ka zumba zumba zumba.
I za ka zumba zumba zay.
I za ka zumba zumba zumba.
I za ka zumba zumba zay.
92 CAP PELLETIER
I Don't Know What His Name Is...
CHORUS: I don't know what his name is and wherever he may be,
Just listen while I tell you what he did to me!
I went through the front gate
Like a good girl should,
And he slipped round the back way
Like I knew he would.
I went in the front door
Like a good girl should,
And he slipped in behind me
Like I knew he would.
I went up the stairs
Like a good girl should,
And he came up behind me
Like I knew he would.
I went in my bedroom
Like a good girl should,
And he slipped in behind me
Like I hoped he would.
I took all my clothes off
Like a good girl should,
And he took off his trousers
Like I knew he would.
I put on my 'jamas
Like a good girl should,
And then he took them off again
Like I knew he would.
I got into bed
Like a good girl should,
And he got in beside me
Like I knew he would.
I laid on my side
Like a good girl should,
But then he turned me over
Like I knew he would.
FINAL
CHORUS: I don't know what his name is and wherever he may be,
It's none of your damned business what he did to me!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 93
I Don't Wanna Talk About It
CHORUS: I don't wanna talk about it how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here won't you listen to my heart, OH my heart.
I can tell by your eyes that you're probably been crying forever
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you there a mirror.
If I stand all along will the shadow hide the colour of my heart
Blue for the tears, black for the night spears
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothing to you there a mirror.
94 CAPPELLETIER
I Don't Want To Join The Army
CHORUS: I don't want to join the army,
I don't want to go to war.
I'd rather hang around Piccadilly Underground,
Living on the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't want a bayonet up me asshole,
I don't want me balls shot away.
I'd rather stay in England, in merry, merry England,
And fornicate me fucking life away. Go blimey...
Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday, I must confess, I lifted up her dress,
Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I laid me 'and upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a twitch, twitch, twitch,
And Sunday after supper, I rammed me fucker up 'er,
And now I'm paying 76 a week. Go blimey...
SECOND
CHORUS: I don't want to join the Navy.
I don't want to go to sea.
I'd rather hang around Piccadilly Underground,
Living on the earnings of a high born lady.
I don't need no Frenchy women,
London's full of girls I never had.
I want to stay in Blight, Lord Gawd Almighty,
Following in the footsteps of me dad.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 95
I Love My Wife
I love my wife;
I love her truly;
I love the hole
She pisses through.
I love her tits-tittly-tits - tittly-tits
And her nut brown arse hole.
I would eat her shit,
Chomp, chomp, gobble, gobble
With a rusty spoon,
With a rusty spoon.
96 CAP PELLETIER
I Used To Work In Chicago
CHORUS: I used to work in Chicago,
In a department store.
I used to work in Chicago,
I did but I don't anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a dress,
/ I asked her what dress she adored,
A jumper she said so jump her I did,
I don't work there anymore. -
A woman came in and asked for a card,
I asked her what card she adored,
A poker she said so poke her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a dog,
I asked her what dog she adored,
A cocker she said so cock her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for some shoes,
I asked her what shoes she adored,
A slipper she said so slip her I did, V'
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a cake,
I asked her what cake she adored,
A layer she said so lay her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a ball,
I asked her what ball she adored,
A rubber she said so rub her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for some booze,
I asked her what booze she adored,
Liquor she said so lick her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for hardware,
I asked her what hardware she adored,
A screw she said so screw her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a girdle,
I asked her what girdle she adored,
"Rubber!" she said, and rub her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a pet,
I asked her what pet she adored,
"A pussy!" she said, I took the hint,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a hat,
I asked her what hat she adored,
"Felt!" she said, so felt her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a ticket,
I asked her what ticket she adored,
"Bangor!" she said, so bang her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
A woman came in and asked for a dairy,
I asked her what dairy she adored,
"Cream!" she said, so cream her I did,
I don't work there anymore.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 97
I Were The Marrying Kind
CHORUS: If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not sir,
The kind of man that I would be...
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY FULL-BACK.
I'd find touch, she'd find touch,
We'd both find touch together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Finding touch together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY HOOKER.
I'd strike hard, she'd strike hard,
We'd both strike hard together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Striking hard together.
.. .WOULD BE AN INSIDE CENTER.
I'd pass it out, she'd pass it out,
We'd both pass it out together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Passing it out together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY REFEREE.
I'd fuck up, she'd fuck up,
We'd both fuck up together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Fucking up together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY PROP.
I'd support a hooker, she'd support a hooker,
We'd both support a hooker together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Supporting a hooker together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY FLY-HALF.
I'd whip it out, she'd whip it out,
We'd both whip it out together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Whipping it out together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY SCRUM-HALF.
I'd put it in, she'd put it in,
We'd both put it in together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Putting it in together.
98 CAP PELLETIER
IF I WERE THE MARRYING KIND (Continued)
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY HALF-TIME ORANGE.
I'd get sucked, she'd get sucked,
We'd both get sucked together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Getting sucked together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY SPECTATOR.
I'd come again, she'd come again,
We'd both come again together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Coming again together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY SECOND ROW.
I'd push hard, she'd push hard,
We'd both push hard together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Pushing hard together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY GROUNDSKEEPER.
I'd trim bush, she'd trim bush,
We'd both trim bush together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Trimming bush together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY TICKET TAKER.
I'd punch holes, she'd punch holds,
We'd both punch holes together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Punching holes together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY SPECTATOR IN THE RAIN.
I'd wear rubbers, she'd wear rubbers,
We'd both wear rubbers together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Wearing rubbers together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY NUMBER EIGHT MAN.
I'd sniff ass, she'd sniff ass,
We'd both sniff ass together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Sniffing ass together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY GOAL POST.
I'd stand erect, she'd stand erect,
We'd both stand erect together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Standing erect together.
!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 99
IF I WERE THE MARRYING KIND (Continued)
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY ASSISTANT GROUNDSKEEPER.
I'd fill holes, she'd fill holes,
We'd both fill holes together,
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Filling holes together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY REFEREE'S WHISTLE.
I'd get blown, she'd get blown,
We'd both get blown together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Getting blown together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY TOUCH LINE.
I'd get laid, she'd get laid,
We'd both get laid together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Getting laid together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY PARTTER.
I'd keep it up, she'd keep it up,
We'd both keep it up together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Keeping it up together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY WING-FORWARD.
I'd come early, she'd come early,
We'd both come early together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Comming early together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY WING.
I'd go hard, she'd go hard,
We'd both go hard together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Going hard together.
.. .WOULD BE ANOTHER RUGBY WING.
I'd never get it, she'd never get it,
We'd both never get it together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Never getting it together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY SECOND ASSISTANT GROUNDSKEEPER.
I'd sow seeds, she'd sow seeds,
We'd both sow seeds together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Sowing seeds together.
100 CAP PELLETIER
IF I WERE THE MARRYING KIND (Continued)
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY SPECTATOR FROM 100 MILES AWAY.
I'd eat out, she'd eat out,
We'd both eat out together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Eating out together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY BOOT.
I'd come in a box, she'd come in a box,
We'd both come in a box together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Coming in a box together.
.. .WOULD BE A RUGBY FULLBACK NUMBER TWO.
I'd kick balls, she'd kick balls,
We'd both kick balls together,
We'd be alright in the middle of the night,
Kicking balls together.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 101
I'm A Gentleman Of Leisure. Of Nobility And Pleasure
CHORUS: Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
I've a mind to spin
your little ball of yarn,
Ball of yarn, ball of yarn,
I've a mind to spin
your little ball of yarn.
I'm a gentleman of leisure, of nobility and pleasure,
With manners of the manor and the morals of the barn,
And when I met a lady in the forest green and shady,
I asked if I could spin her ball of yarn.
She gave her kind consent and behind the bush we went,
And I said: "My dear, there's no cause for alarm."
So I laid her on the ground and with expertise so sound,
I went on to spin her little ball of yarn.
It was nine months after that in my manor where I sat,
I saw a figure coming past the barn,
And a big man with a truncheon quite disturbed my Sunday luncheon,
I was father of a little ball of yarn.
I
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102 CAP PELLETIER
I'm Your Mailman
I feel happy, I feel gay
Cause I come twice a day.
I'm your mailman.
I don't mess with keys on locks,
I just stick it in your box.
I'm your mailman.
I can come in any kind of weather,
For you see my bag is made of leather.
I'm your mailman.
Oh! Pat you knockers, ring your chimes,
For you see mine is fine.
I'm your mailman,
With the longest route in town.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 103
In Mobile
CHORUS: In Mobile, in Mobile, Shit, Piss, Cunt.
In Mo, in Mo, in Mo, in Mobile,
(Repeat last two lines of each verse)
Oh the eagles they fly high in Mobile.
Oh the eagles they fly high in Mobile.
Oh the eagles they fly high and they shit right in your eye,
Thank the Lord that cows don't fly in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Hunt in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Hunt in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Hunt and he thought he had a cunt,
But his arse was back to front in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good bogs in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good bogs in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good bogs so they wait until it clogs,
Then they saw it off in logs in Mobile.
There's a shortage of bogpaper in Mobile.
There's a shortage of bogpaper in Mobile.
There's a shortage of bogpaper so they wait until it's vapor,
Then they light it with a taper in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Smith in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Smith in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Smith and he thinks that he can't sniff,
Foul odor from the syph in Mobile.
Oh they teach the babies tricks in Mobile.
Oh they teach the babies tricks in Mobile.
Oh they teach the babies tricks and by the time that they are six,
The suck their father's pricks in Mobile.
It's a fuck of a situation in Mobile.
It's a fuck of a situation in Mobile.
It's a fuck of a situation and they're sunk in masturbation,
For there aint's no fornication in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile.
There's a shortage of good whores but there's keyholes in the doors,
And there's knotholes in the floors in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Best in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Best in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Best and he thought he had a breast,
But his balls were on his chest in Mobile.
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104 CAP PELLETIER
IN MOBILE (Continued)
There's a girl by the name of Doris in Mobile.
There's a girl by the name of Doris in Mobile.
There's a girl by the name of Doris and her boyfriend's name is Horace,
And he tickles her clitoris in Mobile.
Oh the vicar is a bugger in Mobile.
Oh the vicar is a bugger in Mobile.
Oh the vicar is a bugger and the curate is another,
So they bugger one another in. Mobile.
There's a whore called Dirty Dinah in Mobile.
There's a whore called Dirty Dinah in Mobile.
There's a whore called Dirty Dinah and they say there's nothing finer,
Than a trip up her vagina in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Brock in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Brock in Mobile.
There's a man by the name of Brock with a multi-colored cock,
Like a stick of candy rock in Mobile.
Oh the girls they wear tin pants in Mobile.
Oh the girls they wear tin pants in Mobile.
Oh the girls they wear tin pants but they take them off to dance,
Everybody gets a chance in Mobile.
There's a knot hole in the floor in Mobile.
There's a knot hole in the floor in Mobile.
There's a knot hole in the floor and we use it for a whore,
There's some cocks that are sore in Mobile.
Oh a seagull saw a lighthouse in Mobile. ...
Oh a seagull saw a lighthouse in Mobile.
Oh a seagull saw a lighthouse and he thought it was a
shithouse,
Now the lighthouse is a white house in Mobile.
Oh the ladies have big tits in Mobile.
Oh the ladies have big tits in Mobile.
Oh the ladies have big tits and they hand down to their clits,
And we munch them all to bits in Mobile.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 105
In The Shade Of The Old Apple Tree
In the shade of the old apple tree
A pair of fine legs I did see
With some hair at the top
And a little red spot
It looked like a cherry to me.
I pulled out my pride of New York
It fitted it just like a cork
I said, "Darlin' don't scream -
While I fill you with cream
In the shade of the old apple tree."
And as we both lay on the grass
With my two hands around her fat ass
She said, "If you'll be true
You can have fuck too!
In the shade of the old apple tree."
106 CAPPELLETIER
Incest Time In Texas
(Sung to the tune of "The Yellow Rose Of Texas")
When it's incest time in Texas
And your father is out of town,
Your mother is in the bathroom
With her panties halfway down,
No time for masturbation,
No time to beat your meat,
When it's incest time in Texas
Motherfuckin' can't be beat! -
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 107
Inside Those Red Plush Breeches
CHORUS: Inside those red plush breeches,
Inside those red plush breeches,
Inside those red plush breeches,
That kept John Thomas warm.
John Thomas was a servant tall
Pride and joy of the servants' hall,
Although he only had one ball,
Inside his red plush breeches. -
Of all the servants at the servants' post,
Mary was the one he loved the most,
And she'd keep her hands as was as toast,
Inside his red plush breeches.
Mary had an illegit
awful green and face like shit,
And every time she looked at it,
She cursed those red plush breeches.
Now Mary laid poor John a trap,
And he fell for it like a sap,
And now he's got a dose of clap,
Inside those red plush breeches.
108 CAP PELLETIER
It's The Same The Whole World Over
CHORUS: It's the same the whole world over; it's the poor what gets the blame;
It's the rich what gets the gravy; and it's all a nicking shame.
She was poor but she was honest,
Victim of a rich man's whim,
First he fucked her, then he left her
And she had a child by him.
See him with his hounds and horses,
See him strutting at his club,
While the victim of his wenching
Sips her gin inside a pub.
Then she came to London City,
Just to hide her bleeding shame,
But a politician fucked her
And put her on the streets again.
See him in the House of Commons,
Passing laws to combat crime,
While the victim of his evil
Walks the streets at night in shame.
See him riding in a carriage,
Past the gutter where she stands,
He has made a stylish marriage
At the mercy of syphilitic hands.
See him sitting at the theatre,
In the front row with the best,
While the girl that he has ruined
Entertains a sordid guest.
She him seated in his Rolls Royce,
Driving homeward from the hunt,
He got riches from his marriage
She got sores upon her cunt.
See her stand in Piccadilly,
Offering up her aching quim,
She is now completely ruined
And the cause of all is him.
It was on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing shitballs at the moor,
She said, "Sir, I'm still a virgin."
But she spoke too fucking soon.
It was on the bridge at midnight,
Squeezing blackheads from her crotch,
She said, "Sir, I've still not had it."
He said, "No, not fucking much!"
See her on the bridge at midnight,
Looking down with baited breath,
"A plague upon all cowards,"
She cried falling to her death.
It was on the bridge at midnight,
Where the rich man met his fate,
Her curse had found her coward
And he was doomed to masturbate.
They dragged her from the river,
Water from her clothes the wrung,
They thought that she was drowned
Till her corpse got up and sung.
Then there came a wealthy pimp,
Marriage was the tale he told,
She had no one else to take her
So she sold her soul for gold.
In a little country cottage,
There her grieving parents live,
Though they the fizz she sends them
Yet they never will forgive.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 109
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar
(Sung to the tune of "Ivan Scavinsky Scavar")
The harems of Egypt are fine to behold;
The harlots the fairest of fair,
But the fairest of all,
Was owned by a sheik named,
Abdul Abulbul Amir.
A travelling brothel
Came down from the north, -
'Twas run privately for the Czar,
Who wagered no one could out shag,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
A day was arranged for the spectacle great,
A holiday proclaimed by the Czar,
And the streets were all lined
With the harlots assigned to,
Ivan Scavinskv Scavar.
Old Abdul came in with a snatch by his side,
His eye bore a leer of desire,
And he started to brag
How he would out shag,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
All hairs were shorn and no frenchies were worn,
And this suited Abdul by far,
And he's quite set his mind
On a fast action grind to beat,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
They met on the track with prick at the slack,
A starter's gun punctured the air,
They were both quick to rise,
The crowd gaped at the size of,
Abdul Abulbul Amir.
They worked all the night in the pale yellow light,
Old Abdul he revved like a car,
But he couldn't compete
With the slow steady beat of,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
So Ivan he won and he shouldered his gun,
He bent down to polish the pair,
When something red hot
Up his back passage shot,
'Twas Abdul Abulbul Amir.
The harlots turned gree,
The crowd shouted "Queen,"
They were ordered apart by the Czar,
'Twas bloody bad luck for Abdul was stuck up,
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
The cream of the joke came when they broke,
'Twas laughed at for years by the Czar,
For Abdul the fool
Left half his tool up
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar.
110 CAP PELLETIER
Jack And Jill
(Sung to the tune of "Jack and Jill")
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill came down with half a crown
But not for fetching water.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 111
Jesus Saves
(Sung to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")
CHORUS: Free beer for all the workers.
Free beer for all the workers.
Free beer for all the workers,
'Till the red revolution begins.
Jesus puts His money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus puts His money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus puts His money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus plays goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs,
Jesus plays goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs,
Jesus plays goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus walks on water, He's the lifeguard at our pool,
Jesus walks on water, He's the lifeguard at our pool,
Jesus walks on water, He's the lifeguard at our pool,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus makes a Trojan cause I used one last night,
Jesus makes a Trojan cause I used one last night,
Jesus makes a Trojan cause I used one last night,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus He sells condoms, He's the only one in town,
Jesus He sells condoms, He's the only one in town,
Jesus He sells condoms, He's the only one in town,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
Jesus can't play touch judge, cause He points both ways,
Jesus can't play touch judge, cause He points both ways,
Jesus can't play touch judge, cause He points both ways,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
112 CAP PELLETIER
John Peel
Do you ken John Peel
With his balls of steel
And his prick of brass
And his celluloid arse,
Do you ken John Peel
With his balls of steel
And it all comes out in the morning.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 113
Jonestown
(Sung to the tune of "Downtown")
CHORUS: You're in Jonestown - drinking with Reverend Jim.
Jonestown - chances are mighty slim.
Jonestown - people are dropping like flys.
When you're broke and your religion's a joke,
You can always go - to Jonestown.
When life's incomplete there's only one man to meet,
Now won't you come and see -Jim Jones.
Watch him as he stirs the vat of Kool-aid that's so lethal.
Listen to the anguished cries of all the dying people.
No one survived.
The Reverend's a most gracious host,
So let's lift up our cups in the ultimate toast.
(CHORUS)
There was Congressman Ryan on his mission of spyin'
But he would not drink - with Jim Jones.
It was such a disgrace they had to blow off his face,
Now tell me who's to blame - Jim Jones.
Well this forced the Rev to put his final plan in action,
Then they drank the brew and saw with great satisfaction,
— Everyone died
Their deaths were both painful and slow,
But when to live is to die, there's only one way to go.
(CHORUS)
So the screams were a little loud - Jonestown.
Manson would sure be pround - Jonestown.
The Kool-Aid is waiting for you.
114 CAPPELLETIER
Knockers
CHORUS: Oh, those knockers
Great big mama knockers
She's got a knocker here and a knocker over there
She's got a knocker here and a knocker there
And in between the knockers she's got a little hair
But oh, thos knockers
Great big mama knockers
She's got a knocker here and a knocker over there
She's got a bra sized 39
You get inside it feels so fine
She's got a bra sized 56
You get inside and get your kicks
She's got a cunt like dynamite
When it explodes it still stays tight
She's got a bra sized 29
Titties are small but areolas are fine.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 115
Large Balls
CHORUS: For they were large balls, large balls,
Twice as heavy as lead.
With a dexterous twist of his muscular wrist,
He threw them right over his head.
Miss Jones was walking down the street,
When a young fellow she happened to meet,
Who was giving the girls a helluva treat,
By twisting and turning his balls.
A policeman to the scene was brought,
He said, "I'll have to take you to court.
Guess it's certain that nobody ought
To be twisting and turning his balls."
The prisoner standing in the dock,
Gave the judge a helluva shock,
By insisting on showing the jury his cock,
And twisting and turning his balls.
The judge he said, "The case is clear,
The fine will be a barrel of beer,
For any young bugger who comes in here,
Twisting and turning his balls."
(ALTERNATE SET OF VERSES.)
Now, there was a man called Anthony Claire
He was a very fine joculare,
There's no man who compares with the way,
That he fiddles and playes with his balls.
Now, Anthony walking down the street,
Just by chance he happened to meet,
A pretty young maid with a dog at her feet,
Watching him play with his balls.
Now, Anthony swung 'em round and round,
Let 'em go with a hell of a bound,
Right on the head of the faithful hound,
Watching him play with his balls.
Now, the maiden, she was overwroght,
Swore she'd take the case to court,
For any a penny and no, my lord,
To be twisting and playing with his balls.
They took him to a magistrate,
Who put him in a cell in state,
And left him there to meditate,
And fiddle and play with his balls.
And when they took the case to court,
The lawyer of the lady sought,
To prove that Anthony didn't go out,
To twist and twirl his balls.
The jury said, "'Twas a bloody disgrace,
Exposing yourself in a public place,
Whacking your tool in a lady's face,
Twisting and playing with your balls."
The judge and jury couldn't agree,
And the judge said, "It's plain to see,
And really and truly I cannot see,
Why a man shouldn't play with his balls."
Then Anthony gave the crowd a shock,
Well, this brassy left the dock,
Swinging his balls around his cock, -■-
Twisting and playing with his balls.
And this is the moral of this song,
If you play with your balls, you can't go wrong,
So bang your cock against the gong,
And fiddle and play with your balls.
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116 CAPPELLETIER
Let Me Call You Sweetheart
(Sung to the tune of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
Let me call you sweetheart,
I'm in love with you.
Let me rub your boobies,
'Til they're black and blue.
Let me stroke your vulva,
'Til it's filled with goo.
Let's play hide the weeney,
Up your old wazoo.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 117
Life Presents A Dismal Picture
Life presents a dismal picture
Dark and dreary as the womb,
Father's got an anal stricture
Mother's got a fallen womb.
Sister Sue has been aborted
For the forty-second time,
Brother Bill has been deported
For a homosexual crime.
Nurse has chronic menstruation,
Never laughs and never smiles,
Mine's a dismal occupation
Cracking ice for Grandpa's piles.
In a small brown paper parcel
Wrapped in a mysterious way
Is an imitation rectum
Grandad uses twice a day.
Joe the postman called this morning,
Stuck his prick through the door,
We could not despite endearment
Get it out till half-past four.
Even now the baby's started
Having epileptic fits,
Every time it coughs it spews
Every time it farts it shits.
Yet we are not broken-hearted,
Neither are we up the spout,
Aunty Mabel has just farted,
Blown her arse hole inside out.
118 CAPPELLETIER
Lll
Although a lady of ill-repute
Lilian Barker was a beaut,
And it was really deemed an honor
To be allowed to climb upon her.
Her lovely face was smooth and fair,
And golden was her flowing hair,
Yet pot and hash and cruel cocaine
Had ravaged heart and soul and brain.
Lil could take with sly content
A trooper or his regiment,
Hyperbole it sometimes seems,
Is not confined to wishful dreams.
But soon she had to see a doctor
To find out what disease had pocked her.
The diagnosis short and clear
Revealed a dose of gonorrhea.
As Lilian lay in her disgrace,
She felt the devil kiss her face,
She said, "Now mate I'm always willing
But first let's see your silver shilling."
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 119
Lulu
CHORUS: Oh, gang bang Lulu, Lulu's goin' away.
Who we gonna gang bang, when Lulu's gone away?
Some girls work in factories,
Some girls work in stores,
But my girl works in a whorehouse,
With forty other whores.
I took her to the pictures,
We sat down in the stalls,
And every time the lights went out,
She grabbed me by the balls.
She and I went fishing,
In a dainty punt,
And every time I hooked a fish,
She stuffed it up her cunt.
I wish I was a silver ring,
Upon my Lulu's hand,
And everytime she scratched her cunt,
I'd see the promised land.
Lulu had a puppy,
Lulu had a duck,
She put them in the bathtub,
To see if they would fuck.
A rich girl has a bra,
A poor girl uses string,
But Lulu uses neither,
She lets the bastards swing.
A rich girl has a ring of gold,
A poor girl one of brass,
The only ring that Lulu has,
Is the one around her ass.
A rich girl uses Vaseline,
A poor girl uses lard,
Lulu uses axle-grease,
Because her cunt's so hard.
Lulu had a baby,
It was an awful shock,
She couldn't call it lulu 'cos,
The bastard had a cock.
A rich girl uses Kotex,
A poor girl a sheet,
Lulu uses nothing at all,
It dribbles in the street.
Lulu had a boyfriend,
His name was Tommy Tucker,
He took her to the bushes,
To see if he could fuck her.
Lulu met a fisherman,
Fishing for some bass,
Instead of catching fish that day,
He got a piece of ass.
Lulu met a breakaway,
She liked the way he rucked,
The breakaway liked Lulu,
He liked the way she fucked.
Lulu met a scram half,
Sat down in his lap,
Lulu got the scram half,
The scrum half got the clap.
Lulu had two boyfriends,
Both named Mitch,
One was a son of a baker,
The other was a son-of-a-bitch.
Lulu met a rugby team,
She liked the way they played,
The team liked Lulu,
They liked the way she laid.
A rich girl drives a limousine,
A poor girl drives a truck,
But the only ride that Lulu has,
Is when she has a fuck.
A rich girl uses tampons,
A poor girl uses rags,
Lulu uses nothing at all,
Or shoves up burlap bags.
120 CAP PELLETIER
LULU (Continued)
I wish I was a chamber pot,
Under Lulu's bed,
And every time she took a piss,
I'd see her maidenhead.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 121
Lupe
(Sung to the tune of "Red River Valley")
'Twas down in Cunt Valley where the red river flows,
Where cocksuckers flourish and maidenheads grow.
'Twas there I met Lupe the girl I adore,
She's my hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.
She got her first piece at the ripe age of eight,
As she swung back and forth on the old garden gate.
The cross member broke and the upright ran in,
And she's lived ever since in a welter of sin.
She'll suck you, she'll fuck you, she'll gnaw on your nuts,
And if you're not careful she'll suck out your guts.
She'll wrap her legs round you 'til you think you'll die,
Oh, I'd rather eat Lupe than sweet cherry pie.
Now Lupe is dead as she lies in her tomb,
As the maggots crawl into her decomposed womb.
The smile on her face seems to say "Give me more!"
She's my hot fucking, cocksucking Mexican whore.
122 CAP PELLETIER
Lydia Pinkham
CHORUS: So we'll drink, drink, drink to Lydia Pinkham,
The savior of the human race,
The human race.
Oh, she makes, she bottles, she sells the Vegetable Compound,
And any man can sit on her face,
Sit on her face.
Now, Mr.___________had a very small penis,
He could barely make it stand,"
Make it stand.
So we gave him the Vegetable Compound,
Now he come in either hand,
In either hand.
Now, Miss___________had a very small bosom,
They scarcely showed beneath her blouse,
Beneath her blouse.
So we gave her the Vegetable Compound,
And now they milk her with the cows,
•
With the cows.
Now, Mr.___________had very small testes,
They looked like a couple of peas,
Couple of peas.
So we gave him the Vegetable Compound,
Now they hand below his knees,
Below his knees.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 123
Maggie May
CHORUS: Oh, my darling Maggie May
They have taken her away,
And no more down Lime Street will she roam
For the judge he guilty found her
For robbing a homeward bounder,
That dirty, robbin', no good Maggie May.
I was a sailor bound for home,
All the way from Sierra Leone, -
And two pound ten a month
Had been my pay,
As I jingled in my tin
I was sadly taken in
By the lady of the name of Maggie May.
When I steered into her
I just hadn't a care
I was cruisin' up and down
OF Canning Place.
She was dressed in a gown so fine,
Like a frigate of the line,
And I bein' a sailorman, gave chase.
She gave me a saucy nod,
And I like a farmer's clod
Let her take me line abreast in tow,
And under all plain sail
We ran before the gale
And to the Crow's Nest Tavern
We did go.
Next morning when I awoke,
I found that I was broke.
No trousers, coat or wallet could I find,
And when I asked her where
She said, "My dear young sir,
You'll find them in the pawnshop
Number nine."
To the pawnshop I did go,
No trousers could I find,
So the cops they came
And took this girl away.
Oh, you thieving Maggie May,
You robbed me of my pay,
It'll pay your fare out to Botany Bay.
She was chained and sent away
From Liverpool one day.
The lads they cheered
As she sailed down the bay,
An' every sailor lad
He only was too glad,
They'd sent the old tart to Botany Bay.
Oh Maggie, Maggie May
They have taken you away,
To stay on Van Dieman's cruel shore.
Oh, you robbed many a whaler
And many a drunken sailor,
But you'll never cruise
Round Liverpool no more.
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124 CAP PELLETIER
Masturbation
Last night I laid awake and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I laid awake and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
You should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand.
You should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet. -
Slam it, ram it, throw it on the floor,
Wrap it around the bed post, slam in in the door.
Some people think that fornication is so neat,
But I would rather stay at home, and calmly beat my meat.
Eeeeeeeeee!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 125
Men
Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men
Oh, it's great to be on a ship with men
We'll sail across the sea.
Oh, we don't know where we'll land or when
But it's great to be with men
It's great to be with men.
'Cause men can sweat and men can stink
And no one seems to care
Oh, we'll throw the dishes in the sink
And clog the drain with hair-o
Clog the drain with hair-o.
Men, men, men!
On a ship all filled with men
We'll never have to lift the seat
There's no one here but men, men, men, men
Men, men, men, men.
We're men and friends until the end
And none of us are sissies
At night we sleep in separate beds
And blow each other kissies
Blow each other kissies.
Men, men, men!
On a ship all filled with men
So batten down the ladies' room
There's no one here but men, men, men, men
Men, men, men, men.
Oh, there's men above and men below
And men down in the galley
There's Butch and Spike and Biff and Bill
And one that we call Sally
One that we call Sally.
Men, men, men!
On a ship all filled with men
So throw your rubbers overboard
There's no one here but men!
Ah Men!
126 CAP PELLETIER
Miss Millv
Young Miss Milly was sweet and fair,
With snow white tits and curly hair,
Oh, unhappy maiden.
Her heart was happy, her step was light,
But she was a fool and one dark night
She got herself put in a pregnant plight
By a lecherous, lewd and
lustful cruel deceiver.
She went to this home but as she'd feared
The filthy old bastard had disappeared,
Oh, unhappy maiden.
Her mother declared: "Get out, you whore.
So never again dare to darken my door,
With your lecherous, lewd and
lustful cruel deceiver."
All night she wandered through the snow
How she suffered who can know,
Oh, unhappy maiden.
And when the morning cockerel cried,
Poor abandoned Milly had died
Frozen stiff as she lay outside.
Oh, the lecherous, lewd and
lustful cruel deceiver.
Hark all you young maidens,
the moral is clear
If you trust these foul bastards,
you'll shed many a tear
Like this oh, so unhappy maiden.
So bear this in mind: the semen may spill
And you'll find yourself getting
more than your fill.
Precautions are best;
take a birth control pill
With your lecherous, lewd and
lustful cruel deceiver.
!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 127
Monte Carlo
As she walked along the Bois de Boulogne
With a heart as heavy as lead
She wishes that she was dead
She had lot her maidenhead
Her heart in a funk and covered with scorn
Her knickers were torn
and her cunt was worn
She's the girl that lowered the price
at Monte Carlo.
As he walked along the Bois de Boulogne
With his prick upon the stand
The girls all say it's grand
To take it in their hand
You give them a bob and they're on the job
Pulling the foreskin over the knob
Of the man who broke the bank
at Monte Carlo.
128 CAPPELLETIER
Mrs. Murphy
Give a cheer, give a cheer
For the men who drink the beer
In the cellar of Murphy's saloon.
They are brave, they are bold
And the stories that are told
In the cellar of Murphy's saloon.
For it's guzzle, guzzle, guzzle
As they pour it down their muzzle
And shout out their orders loud and clear:
"More beer."
For it's more, more, more
As the cops break down the door
In the cellar of Murphy's saloon.
Won't you put it in your mouth Mrs. Murphy,
For it only weighs a quarter of a pound,
It's got hair on its neck like a turkey
And it spits when you rub it up and down.
If I had the wings of an eagle
And the balls of a hairy baboon,
I'd fly up to the top of the mountain
And jack off on the man in the moon.
Now you say you're still a virgin
But you're cherry is not there anymore,
So why don't you quit trying to be so perfect
And do the thing that you're best known for.
For now you've got a throat like Linda Lovelace
And a cunt like the great cathouse whore,
So why don't you please do my pecker a favor
And deep throat me on the barroom floor.
Now we've got a team called___________,
[
And peckers as long as a broom,
So won't you please do your pussy a favor
And keep us mother fuckers out of your room.
We'll eat you, beat you, and mistreat you,
While we're singing our dirtiest verse,
Then we'll stick it in your ear and dick you from the rear,
For that's how we build up our thirst.
Sung by the whore house quartet.
Did you go and get it? Not yet.
Are you gonna get it? You bet.
Who you gonna get it from? Ginnette.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 129
My God How The Money Rolls In
(Sung to the tune of "Bring Back My Bonnie")
CHORUS: Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in, rolls in,
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in.
My father makes book on the corner,
My mother makes illicit gin,
My sister sells kisses to sailors, -
My God how the money rolls in.
My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon,
With instruments long, sharp, and thin,
He only does one operation,
My God how the money rolls in.
My aunt keeps a girl's seminary,
Teaching young girls to begin,
She doesn't ask where they finish,
My God how the money rolls in.
Uncle Joe is a registered plumber,
His business is in holes and in tin,
He'll plug your hole for a tanner,
My God how the money rolls in.
My sister's a barmaid in Sydney,
For a shilling she strips to the skin,
She's stripping from morn to midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.
My brother's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin,
He'll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.
My mother's a bawdy house keeper,
Every night when the evening grows dim,
She hangs out a little red lantern,
My God how the money rolls in.
My grandad sells cheap prophylactics,
And punctures them all with a pin,
For grandma gets rich from abortions,
My God How the money rolls in.
My uncle is carving out candles,
From wax that is surgically soft,
He hopes it'll fill up the gap,
If ever his business wears off.
I've lost all me cash on the horses,
I'm sick from the illicit gin,
I'm falling in love with my father,
My God what a mess I'm in.
130 CAP PELLETIER
Mv Old Man
CHORUS: Sing a little bit,
Fuck a little bit.
Follow the band, toot, toot,
Follow the band with your cock in your hand.
My old man was a miner, a miner,
Worked all day in the pit.
Sometimes he'd shovel up coal dust,
And sometimes he'd shovel up shit.
My old man is a carpenter, a carpenter,
And a mighty fine carpenter is he.
All day long he screws screws in
And then he comes home screws me.
My old man is a taxidermist, taxidermist,
And a might fine taxidermist is he.
All day long he stuffs animals,
And then he comes home and stuffs me.
My old man is a trumpeter, a trumpeter,
And a very fine trumpeter is he.
All day long he blows trumpets,
And then he comes home and blows me.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 131
Nellie 'Awkins
I first met Nellie "Awkins
down the Old Kent Road.
Her drawers were hanging down,
'Cos she'd been with Charlie Brown,
I pressed a filthy tanner
in her filthy bleeding hand.
'Cos she was a low down whore.
She wore no blouses
And I wore no trousers,
And she wore no underclothes,
And when she caressed me
She damn near undressed me
It's a thrill that no one knows.
I went to the doctor,
He said, "Where did you block 'er?"
I said, "Down where the green grass grows."
He said, quick as a twinkle,
"The pimple on your winkle
Will be bigger than a red, red rose."
132 CAPPELLETIER
Nelly Cartwright
CHORUS: Oh the moon shines down
on Nelly Cartwright,
She couldn't fart right,
her twat was airtight,
And though she tried
she couldn't start right,
With a knife she'd watched her
Promised Land.
Nell was a mountain maid
Who always was afraid,
That a drunken sot might fill her twat,
As she lay sleeping in the shade,
She took her fears in hand
and filled it up with sand
To keep the boys from stolen joys
In Nelly's Promised Land.
Now there was a trapper wise,
Who sought out Nelly's prize,
With a dead coyoot on the end of his boot,
He made young Nelly open her eyes,
But as soon as she came to life
She reached for her hunting knife,
A flash in the air, a cry of despair,
And she severed his love life.
Oh women if you want to be wives
Put away those knives,
The men might pay for a lay in the hay,
But they're not gonna pay
•-■
for the rest of their lives,
My old mother said
if you're lying in your bed,
If you can't get aid, don't reach for a blade,
Have a bloody good fuck instead.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 133
No Balls At All
CHORUS: Balls, balls, no balls at all,
She married a man who had no balls at all.
Come you old drunkards, give ear to my tale,
This short little story will make you turn pale,
It's about a young lady - so pretty and small,
Who married a man who had no balls at all.
How well she remembers the night they were wed,
She rolled back the sheets and crept into bed,
She felt for his prick, how strange, it was small,
She felt for his balls, he had no balls at all.
Mommy, oh mommy, oh pity my luck,
I've married a man who's unable to fuck,
His tool bag is empty, his screwdriver's small,
The impotent wretch has got no balls at all.
Daughter, my daughter, now don't be a sap,
I had the same trouble with your dear old pap,
There's many a man who'll come to the call,
Of the wife of the man who's got no balls at all.
The pretty young girl took her mother's advice,
And found the whole thing exceedingly nice,
An eleven pound baby was born in the fall,
To the wife of the man who has no balls at all.
The husband was joyous, got high as a kite,
The sight of that infant filled him with delight,
Though its head was too large, and its body too small,
The great thing about him — he had no balls at all.
134 CAP PELLETIER
O Unhappy Bella
Bella was young and Bella was fair,
With bright blue eyes and golden hair,
O unhappy Bella!
Her step was light and her heart was gay,
But she had no sense, and one fine day
She got herself put in the family way
By a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
Poor Bella was young, she didn't believe
That the world is hard and men deceive,
O unhappy Bella!
She said, "My man will do what's just,
He'll marry me now, because he must."
Her heart was full of loving trust
In a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
She went to his house; the dirty skunk
Had packed his bags and done a bunk,
0 unhappy Bella!
Her landlady said, "Get out, you whore,
1 won't have your sort a-darkening my door."
Poor Bella was put to affliction sore
By a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver.
All night she tramped the cruel snows,
What she must have suffered nobody knows,
O unhappy Bella!
And when the morning dawned so red,
Alas, alas, poor Bella was dead,
Sent so young to her lonely bed
By a wicked, heartless, cruel deceiver. *
So thus, you see, do what you will,
The fruits of sin are suffering still,
O unhappy Bella!
As into the grave they laid her low,
The men said, "Alas, but life is so."
But the women chanted, sweet and low,
"It's all the men, the dirty bastards!"
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 135
Old King Cole
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Now every fiddler had a very fine fiddle.
And a very fine fiddle had he.
Fiddle like fuck, like fuck said the fiddler.
What merry men are we.
There's none so fair as can compare with the boys of the (your team) RFC.
Replace underlined words with the following words for other verses:
Jugglers
Juggler —-Balls
Balls
Ball in the air, in the air said the jugglers
Barmaids
Barmaid — - Cunt
Cunt
Pull it out, pull it out said the barmaids
Cyclists
Cyclist — - Cycle
Cycle
Round and round said the cyclists
Flutists
Flutist —-Flute
Flute
Root-diddly-oot-diddly-oot, said the flutists
Tailors
Tailor — - Needle
Needle
Thread it in and out, in and out said the tailor
Horsemen
Horseman —-Horse
Horse
Wop it up and down, up and down said the horsemen
Carpenters
Carpenter—Hammer
Hammer
Bang away, bang away said the carpemters
136 CAP PELLETIER
OLD KING COLE (Continued)
Coalmen
Coalman — - Shovel
Shovel
Do you want it in the front, or the back said the coalmen
Surgeons
Surgeon — - Scalpel
Scalpel
Cut it around the knob, and make it throub said the surgeons
Butchers
Butcher — - Cleaver
Cleaver
Cut it in half, in half said the butchers
Parsons
Parson —-Shroud
Shroud
"Goodness gracious me!" said the parsons
Fishermen
Fisherman — - Fish
Fish
Minus six feet long said the fishermen
Huntsmen
Huntsman — - Bow
Bow
Up with the horn, in the morn said the huntsmen
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 137
Once There Was A Servant Girl Whose Name Was Mary Jane
CHORUS: Singing bell-bottom trousers,
coats of navy blue
Let him climb the rigging
like his Daddy used to do.
Once there was a servant girl
whose name was Mary Jane,
Her mistress she was good to her
She knew she was a country girl,
just lately from the farm,
And so she did her bloody best
to keep the girl from harm.
The forty-second Army Corps
came in to paint the town,
A band of bawdy bastards
and rapists of renown,
They busted every maidenhead,
and staggered out again,
But they never made the servant girl
who lived in Drury Lane.
Next there came the Fusiliers,
and a band of Welsh Hussars
They piled into the brothels,
they packed into the bars.
The maidens and the matrons
were seduced with might and main,
But they never made the servant girl
whose name was Mary Jane.
Early in the morning
when the sailor'd had his grind
He gave to her a ten bob note
to pacify his mind
Saying: "If you have a daughter
bounce her on your knee,
If you have a son
send the bastard out to sea."
Early one evening a sailor came to tea
And that was the start of all her misery,
At sea without a woman
for forty months or more,
There wasn't any need to ask
what he was looking for.
He asked her for a candle
to light his way to bed,
He asked her for a pillow
to rest his weary head,
Then using very gentle words,
as if he meant no harm
He asked the maid to come to bed
just to keep him warm.
She lifted up the covers
just a moment there to lie,
But he's got his dick inside her
before she could bat an eye,
And though he'd got her maidenhead
she showed no great alarm,
And the only words she said to him were:
"I hope you're keeping warm."
Now all you servant girls
take a warning from me,
Don't ever let a sailor
get an inch above the knee,
She trusted one, the ninny,
in his Naval uniform,
Now all she wants to do, me boys,
is keep the Navy warm.
138 CAP PELLETIER
O'Reilly's Daughter
CHORUS: Hi yi yi - Hi yi, yi, Hi yi yi,
The one-eyed Reilly.
Rub-it-up, shove-it-up, balls and all
Play it on your old base drum.
ALTERNATE
CHORUS: Yi-di-I-ay, Yi-di-I-oh,
Yi-di-I-ay for the one-eyed Reilly.
Rub-it-up, shove-it-up, balls and all
Jig-a-jig. Tresbon.
Jack O'Flannagan is my name,
I'm the king of copulation,
Drinking beer my claim to fame,
Shagging women my occupation.
Walking through the town one day,
Who should I meet but O'Reilly's daughter,
Not a word to her did say
But don't you think we really oughter.
Sitting one night in O'Reilly's bar
Drinking beer that was just like water,
Suddenly a thought ran through my head
I'd never fucked O'Reilly's daughter.
I took her gently by the hand
Led her upstairs like a lamb to slaughter,
Laid her gently on the bed
And quickly cocked my left leg over.
I fucked and fucked her on the bed,
Shagged and shagged until I stove her,
Having lost her maidenhead
She laughed like hell when the fun was over.
I fucked her standing
I fucked her lying,
If she'd had wings
I'd have fucked her flying.
I fucked her till her tits were flat,
Filled her up with soapy water,
She won't get away with that, if she doesn't
Have twins then she really oughter.
I heard footsteps on the stairs,
Old Man Reilly bent on slaughter,
With two pistols in his hand
Looking for the man who fucked his daughter.
I grabbed O'Reilly by the hair,
Stuck his head in a bucket of water,
Rammed his pistols up his arse,
Damned quicker than I shagged his daughter.
Come you virgins, maidens fair,
Answer me quick and true no slyly,
Do you want it fair and straight and square,
Or the way I give it to the one-eyed Reilly.
Now I'm growing old and grey
And my tool is growing shorter,
But until my dying day
I'll remember O'Reilly's daughter.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 139
Poor Little Angeline
She was sweet sixteen on the village green,
Pure and innocent was Angeline,
A virgin still, never known a thrill
Poor little Angeline.
At the village fair the Squire was there
Masturbating on the village square
When he chanced to see the dainty knee
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the village squire had but one desire,
To be the biggest fucker
in the whole damn shire,
He had set his heart on the vital part
Of poor little Angeline.
As she lifted up her skirt to avoid the dirt
She slipped in a puddle
of the Squire's last squirt,
At the sight he saw,
how his dick grew raw
For poor little Angeline.
So he raised his hat and said:
"Miss, you cat
Has been run over and is squashed quite flat,
Now my car is in the square
and I'll take you there
Oh poor little Angeline."
Now the filthy old turd
should have got the bird
But she climbed right in with a word,
As they drove away
you could hear them:
"Poor little Angeline."
They had not gone far
when he stopped the car
And took little Angeline into a bar,
Where he gave her gin just to make her sin
Poor little Angeline.
When he'd oiled her well
he took her to a dell
There to give her bloody fucking hell,
And he tried his luck with a low down fuck
On poor little Angeline.
With a cry of "Rape" he raised his cape,
Poor little Angeline had no escape,
Now it's time someone came
to same the name
Of poor little Angeline.
Now the village blacksmith
was brave and bold
And had loved little Angeline
for years untold,
And he vowed he'd be true
whatever they'd do
To poor little Angeline.
But sad to say that very same day
The blacksmith had gone to jail to stay
For coming in his pants at the local dance
With poor little Angeline.
Now the window of his cell
overlooked the dell
Where the Squire was giving
little Angeline hell,
And there on the grass he observed the fuck
Of poor little Angeline.
Now he got such a start that he let out a fart
And blew the whole bloody jail apart,
And he ran like shit
lest the Squire should split
His poor little Angeline.
When he got to the spot
and he saw what was what
He tied the villain's balls
in a granny knot,
For there upon the grass
was the imprint of the arse
Of poor little Angeline.
"Oh, blacksmith true, I love you, I do,
And I can tell by your trousers
that you love me too,
Here I am undressed, come and do your best,
Cried poor little Angeline.
140 CAP PELLETIER
POOR LITTLE ANGELINE (Continued)
Now it would be wrong here
to end this song
For the blacksmith had a prick
fully one foot long,
And his natural charm
was as thick as your arm
Lucky little Angeline.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 141
Pubic Hair
(Sung to the tune of "Baby Face")
Pubic hair, you've got the cutest little
Pubic hair
Nothing in the world can compare
To your pubic hair
Penis or vagina, nothing could be finer.
Pubic hair, I'm in heaven when I'm in your
underwear
I didn't need a shove, I took a mouthful of
Your delicious pubic hair.
A vagina for your breakfast, a vagina for your
lunch
A vagina for your dinner
A vagina, munch, munch, munch!
So take a tip from Tom
And never eat your mom
A vagina can't be beat.
142 CAP PELLETIER
Put On Your Bustle
Put on your old bustle
And get out and hustle
For tomorrow the rent man is due.
Put your cunt in clever
With another loaded level
Don't return without a quid or two.
Put on your old suspenders
And get to mixing up the genders
There isn't any risk anyway.
The stud's been altered
And the bull's been haltered
In that good old fashioned way.
Put on your old pink panties
The ones that were your auntie's
Let's have a shageree in the hay.
While they're working in the field
We'll see what the crop can yield
In that good old fashioned way.
Put on your old grey corset
If it don't fit force it
For the army is moving in today.
As the bee makes honey
Let your cunt make money
In that good old fashioned way.
Put on the old green ointment
The fleas disappointment
And kill the buggers where they lay. '■ -,
How it tickles and itches
It'll kill the sons-of-bitches
In that good old fashioned way.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 143
Queen Of All The Fairies
CHORUS: Twenty-one, never been done,
Queen of all the fairies.
Oh, she was a cripple with only one nipple
To feed the baby on.
Poor little fucker, he'd only one sucker
To start his life upon.
Ain't it a pity she'd only one titty
To feed the baby on.
Poor little bugger, he'll never play rugger,
Nor grow up big and strong.
And as he got older and bolder and bolder,
And took himself in hand,
And flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped,
To the tune of an army band.
They tried him in the infantry,
They tried him on the land and sea,
The poor little bugger had no success,
He left everything in a terrible mess.
We see no hope for him unless
He joins the W.R.A.F.
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144 CAP PELLETIER
Red Flag
CHORUS: The working class can kiss.my ass,
I've got the foreman's job at last.
The proletariat can kiss my fundamental orifice;
I'm upper class and off the dole,
So shove that red flag up your hole.
'Twas on Gibraltar's rock so fair
I saw a maiden lying there,
And as she lay in sweet repose,'
A nasty wind blew off her clothes.
A sailor who was passing by
Removed his cap and winked his eye,
But as he saw to his despair,
She had the red flag flying there.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 145
Ring The Bell Verger
CHORUS: Ring the bell, verger,
Ring the bell, ring,
Perhaps the congregation
Will condescend to sing.
Perhaps the village organist,
Sitting on his stool,
Will play upon his organ,
And not upon his tool.
Down in the belfry chauffeur lies,
Vicar's wife between his thighs.
Voice from pulpit from afar,
"Stop fucking wife and start fucking car."
Verger in the belfry stood,
Grasped in his hand, his mighty pud.
From afar the vicar yells,
"Stop pulling pud and pull fucking bells."
Ocean liner six days late,
Stoker stoking stoker's mate,
Voice from Captain o'er the wire,
"Stop fucking mate, start fucking fire."
146 CAP PELLETIER
Rip My Knickers Away
CHORUS: Rip my knickers away,
Rip my knickers away,
I don't care what becomes of me,
As long as you ringer my C-U-N-T.
Rip my knickers away, away,
Rip my knickers away,
Down the front, down the back,
Round the cunt, round the crack,
Rip my knickers away.
Be I Berkshire, be I buggery,
Oi koms up from Wareham,
Oi knows a gal with calico drawers,
And I knows how to tear 'em.
Walkin' by the field one day
I heard a maiden crying,
"Oh, please don't rip me knickers off, Jack,
You'll get there by and byin'."
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 147
Rodriguez. The Mexican Pervert
CHORUS: Aye, yi, yi, yi,
Your mother swims out to meet troop ships.
(Your mother does pushups on flagpoles.)
(They do it in China for chile.)
(They do it in Chile for china.)
(Your mother eats bat shit off cave walls.)
(Your mother thinks bedpans are soupbowls.)
(Your sister gives hand jobs on subways.)
(Your father gets cum in his mustache.)
(You brother beats off in confession.)
(Your father smells little girl's bicycle seats.)
(Your sister does squat-thrusts on fireplugs.)
(or any other distasteful verse you can think of)
So let's have another verse
That's worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willy.
There once was a man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd explode from his rectum,
With the force of a raging typhoon.
The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,
He buggered 3 maids while confirming 'em,
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.
There once wa a man named Skinner,
Who took a young lady to dinner,
At quarter past ten it was in her,
Dinner, not Skinner,
Skinner was in her before dinner.
There once was a man from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin,
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
There was a young fellow from Leeds,
Who swallowed a package of seeds,
Great tufts of grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.
Aye, yi, yi, yi,
Rodriquez, the Mexican pervert.
He ate out his mother
And cornholed his brother,
And waltzed me around by my willy.
There once was a lady from Peru,
Who filled her vagina with glue,
She said with a grin,
If they'll pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too.
There was a couple named Kelly,
Who were stuck belly to belly,
Because of their haste,
They used library past,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept into the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers,
Likewise the vicar's,
And said, "How about it, old bean?"
There once was a man from Racine,
Who built a big fucking machine,
Concave or convex,
It would fuck any sex,
Oh but what a bastard to clean.
148 CAP PELLETIER
RODRIOUEZ. THE MEXICAN PERVERT (Continued)
There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder,
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would,
So he did, and he damn near killed her.
A young man with passions quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie,
He slapped her behind,
And made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury.
There was a young lady of Crewe,
Whose cherry a chap had got through,
Which she told to her mother,
Who fixed her another,
Out of rubber, red ink, and glue.
When a lecherous priest at Leeds,
Was discovered, one day in the weeds,
Astride a young nun,
He said, "Christ this is fun,
Far better than fondling one's beads."
There was a young lady of Twickerham,
Who regretted men had no prick in 'em,
On her knees everyday,
To her God she would pray,
To lengthen, strengthen, and thicken 'em.
There was a young girl named McCall,
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus,
Was something quite heinous,
It could hold seven cocks and one ball.
There was a young parson named Binns,
Who talked about women and things,
But his secret desire,
Was a boy in the choir,
With a bottom like jelly on springs.
There was a young man of high station,
Who was found by a pious relation,
Making love in a ditch,
To I won't say a bitch,
But a woman of no reputation.
There was a young girl of Detroit,
Who at fucking was very adroit,
She could squeeze her vagina,
To a pinpoint or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.
There was a young maid from Mobile,
Whose cunt was made of blue steel,
She got her thrills,
From pneumatic drills,
And off-centered emery wheels.
There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior.
There was a young Scot from Delray,
Who buggered his father one day,
Saying, "I like it rather,
To stuff it up father,
He's clean and nothing's to pay."
There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea,
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said he, still plumbing, "It's me."
There was an old man of Dundee, "... .
Who came home as drunk as could be,
He wound up the clock,
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
There was a young man from Lynn,
Whose cock was the size of a pin,
Said his girl with a laugh,
As she fondled his shaft,
"This won't be much of a sin."
An elderly pervert in Nice,
Who was long past wanting a piece,
Would jack-off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called the police.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 149
RODRIOUEZ. THE MEXICAN PERVERT (Continued)
There was a young German named Ringer,
Who was screwing an opera singer,
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "It ain't your finger?"
There was a young lady named Hitchin,
Scratching her crotch in the kitchen,
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs I suppose?"
She said, "Yes & the buggers are itchin."
There was a young man of St. James,
Who indulged in the jolliest games,
He lighted the rim,
Of his grandmonther's quim,
And made her piss through the flames.
There was a young woman named Wheeling,
Who professed of no sexual feeling,
Until a cynic named Boris,
Nibbled at her clitoris,
Wheeling was scraped from the ceiling.
A hermit who had an oasis,
Thought it the best of all places,
He could pray and be calm,
'Neath a pleasant date palm,
While the lice on his penis ran races.
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty, men craned their necks at her,
One went so far,
As to wave from his car,
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a man from Nantuckett,
With a cock so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it."
Female apes were afraid of King Kong,
Since his wanger was exceedingly long,
Until a friendly giraffe,
Ate his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
There was a young lady from Trent,
Who said she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, she knew, but she went.
There once was a man named Cash,
Who had balls made out of brass,
When they swung together,
They played Stormy Weather,
And lightening shot out his ass.
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
For he knew in his mirth,
That on all of the earth,
Only 2 balls existed & he had 'em.
, A fellow whose surname was Hunt,
Trained his prick to do a stunt,
This versatile spout,
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove and be used as a cunt.
There once was a man from Kajowels,
Whose diet consisted of bowels,
When he couldn't get this,
He drank prostitute piss,
And scrapings from sanitary towels.
There was a woman from the Azores, , .-.
Whose body was covered with sores,
All the dogs in the street,
Would lick the green meat,
That hung down from her drawers.
That poor young fellow from Kent,
Whose cock was so exceedingly bent,
To save himself the trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
There once was a man named Bruno,
About fucking sheep he do know,
Lambs are fine,
And rams are devine,
But llamas are numero uno.
150 CAP PELLETIER
RODRIQUEZ. THE MEXICAN PERVERT (Continued)
There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been,
Had his father seen,
That the end of his rubber was torn.
The last time I dined with the King,
He did quite an unkingly thing,
While up on the throne,
He pulled out his bone,
And said, "If I play, will you sing?"
A comely young widow of Ransom,
Was ravished three times in a hansom,
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor,
Said, "Lady, I'm Simpson, not Sampson."
There once was a skater named Yeats,
Who attempted the splits while on skates,
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And now he is useless on dates.
From the depths of a crypt at St. Ciles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles,
Said the bishop, "Good gracious,
Has Father Ignatious
Forgotten the vicar has piles?"
There was an old Duke of Rockingham,
Who wrote a book on cunts and fucking 'em,
But a dirty old Turk,
Wrote a much better work,
On tits and 12 ways of sucking 'em.
There was a young girl from Yorkshire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said, "Oh John, it's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Would you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young man from Brighton,
Who thought he had found a tight one,
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
She said, "But it's not in the right one."
There was a hermit from Behave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
She only had one tit,
And smelled like shit,
But think of the money he saved.
There was a man of New Treaver,
Who had intercourse with a beaver,
The result of his screw,
Was a birchbark canoe,
Three ducks and an Irish retriever.
The gay young Duke of Buckingham,
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
Watching the stunts,
Of the cunts midst the grunts,
And all of the pricks fucking 'em.
There was a student of Trinity,
Who popped his sister's virginity,
Buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honor in Divinity.
There once was a young Dr. Zuck,
In his ears her nipples got stuck,
With his thumb up her bum,
He could hear himself come,
Thus inventing the telephone fuck.
The three old witches of Kent, , .-.
Took a man into a tent,
The three dirty bitches,
They pulled down his britches,
And jumped on his cock til it bent.
There was a young man named Pete,
Who was a bit indiscreet,
He pulled on his wong,
Until it grew very long,
And dragged down a two lane street.
There was a young man from Stroud,
Who was screwing a girl in a crowd,
A man up in front,
Said, "Hmmm, I smell cunt."
Just like that, not very loud.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 151
RQDRIOUEZ. THE MEXICAN PERVERT (Continued)
There was a young lawyer named Springer,
Got his testicles caught in the wringer,
He hollered with pain,
As they went down the drain,
"From now on I'll just use my finger."
Coitus upon a cadaver,
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er,
Her inanimate state,
Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
There once was a chick named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus,
When she got hot,
It finally went pop,
And they found her tits outside of Dallas.
There once was a girl from Nantuckett,
Who went to France in a bucket,
When she got there,
They asked for her fare,
She lifted up her dress and said fuck it.
I once knew a man named Magruder,
Who met a nude and he wooed her,
The nude thought it crude,
To be wooed in the nude,
But Magruder was shrewder and screwed her.
There was a young girl from France,
Who jumped on a bus in a trance,
Six passengers fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver shot twice in his pants.
A pansy by the name of Bloom,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They talked the whole night,
As to who had the right,
To do what, with which, and to whom.
There was a young man named Mirkin,
Who kept on jerkin' his gherkin,
Said his wife to Mirkin,
"Your duty you're shirkin',
That gherkin's for firkin', not jerkin'."
A young man whose sight was myopic,
Thought sex an incredible topic,
So poor were his eyes,
That despite its great size,
His prick appeared microscopic.
I once knew a girl named Delores,
Who had a six inch clitoris,
While singing a chorus,
Her voice was so hoarse,
I checked her ID and it said Boris.
I once knew a man from LaGrange,
His mind was completely deranged,
In playgrounds he hung,
Looking at ten year old bun,
This was his home on the range.
There was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were from God,
But 'twas not the Almighty,
Who hiked up her nightie,
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God.
There once was a man named Hans,
Who planted an acre of cunts,
When in the fall,
They came up pubic hairs and all,
. Hans ate cunts for months.
There was a young lady named Duff,
With a lively, luxuriant muff,
In his haste to get in her,
One eager beginner,
Lost both his balls in the rough.
There was a young man of Kildare,
Fucking a girl on the stairs,
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in midair.
I once knew a man named Peese,
It was said he was quite a tease,
But along came Jan,
Who spread him some ham,
And together they made some cheese.
152 CAP PELLETIER
RODRIOUEZ. THE MEXICAN PERVERT (Continued)
There was a young Turkish cadet,
And this is the damnedest one yet,
His tool was so long,
And incredibly strong,
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.
There was a dentist Malone,
Who fondled a girl patient alone,
But in his depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my how his practise has grown.
There once was a man named O'Dool,
Who had an enormous tool,
He'd use it to plow,
Or didle a cow,
Or as a cue stick at pool.
There once was a man from Shirue,
Who had warts all over his root,
He put acid on these,
And now when he pees,
He fingers his dick like a flute.
There was a soldier from Kildare,
Who fondled a girl in his chair,
At the sixty-third stroke,
The chair done broke,
And his gun went off in the air.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 153
Roil Me Over In The Clover
(Sung to the tune of "In The Clover")
CHORUS: Roll me over in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down and do it again.
This is number one and the fun has just begun.
Oh, this is number two and my head is on her shoe.
Oh, this is number three and my hand is on her knee.
Oh, this is number four and we're grinding on the floor.
Oh, this is number five and I'm ready to muff dive.
Oh, this is number six and she said, "I love your tricks."
Oh, this is number seven and we're in fucking heaven.
Oh, this is number eight and the nurse is at the gate.
Oh, this is number nine and the quints are doing fine.
Oh, this is number ten and we're at it once again.
154 CAP PELLETIER
Roll Your Leg Over
CHORUS: O, roll your leg over
O, roll your leg over
O, roll your leg over
It's better that way.
I wish all little girls were like fish in a pool,
And I were a shark with a waterproof tool.
I wish all little girls were like chocolate Sundays,
And I were a spoon I would dip in their undies.
I wish all little girls were like fish in the ocean,
And I were a whale so I could show them the motion.
I wish all little girls were like bricks in a pile,
And I were a mason so I could lay them in style.
I wish all little girls were like mares in the stable,
And I were a stallion so I could show them I'm able.
I wish all little girls were like cows in the pasture,
And I were a bull so I could fill them with rapture.
I wish all little girls were like fish in the brookie,
And I were a trout so I could get me some nookie.
I wish all little girls were like winds on the sea,
And I were a sail so I could have them blow me.
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I wish all little girls were like B-29's,
And I were a jet so i could buzz their behinds.
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I wish all little girls were like trees in the forest,
And I were a woodsman so I could split their clitoris.
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I wish all little girls were like diamonds and rubies,
And I were a jeweler so I could polish their boobies.
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I wish all little girls were like coals in the stoker,
And I were a fireman so I could shove in my poker.
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I wish all little girls were like statues of Venus,
And I were the man with the petrified penis.
I wish all little girls were like little white rabbits,
And I were a hare to teach them bad habits.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 155
ROLL YOUR LEG OVER (Continued)
I wish all little girls were like telephone poles,
And I were a squirrel to stuff nuts in their holes.
I wish all little girls were like little red foxes,
And I were a hunter so I could shoot up their boxes.
I wish all little girls were like bats in a steeple,
And I were a bat so there'd be more bats than people.
I wish all little girls were like bells in a tower,
And I were a clapper to bang by the hour.
I wish all little girls were like pieces of pie,
And I were a fork so I would fork till I die.
I wish all little girls were like small desert cactus,
And I were a pin, I would prick theirs for practice.
We sing long, we sing loud, we sing all about it,
But only because we've been doing without it.
!
!
156 CAP PELLETIER
Roller. Roller
Roller, Roller, Roller, Roller
Roller, Roller, Roller, Roller
Roll a silver dollar down upon the ground
And it will roll, because it's round
A woman doesn't know what a good man she's got
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Until she turns him down, down, down, down
Listen my honey, listen to me
I want you to understand
As a silver dollar goes from hand to hand
A woman goes from man to man
A man without a woman is like a ship without a sail
Or a boat with a rudder
A fish without a tail
A man without a woman is like a wreck upon the sand
There's only one thing worse in the universe
And that's a woman (a what?)
I said a woman with a man
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AB,AB,ABmyboy
What are you waiting for now
You promised to marry me some day in June
It's never too late and it's never too soon
Oh! All the family keeps on asking me
Which way, what way, I'm in the family way
AB, AB, AB my boy
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What are you waiting for now
I'm gonna wait til the sun shines Nellie
As the clouds go drifting by
We'll be so happy Nellie in the sweet by and by
Down Lover's Lane we'll wander
Sweethearts you and I
I'm gonna wait til the sun shines Nellie
In the sweet by and by
I don't want to go home, I don't want to go home
I'm in love with a beautiful girl
Down in the sewer shovelling manure
Listen to the turds go Clap! Clap! Clap!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 157
Royal Marine
In the depths of deepest Africa
Where no one's ever been
Lies the body of an elephant
Shagged to death by the Royal Marines.
Royal Marines.
Royal Marines.
Shagged to death by the Royal Marines.
In the depths of deepest Anartica
Where no one dares to go
Lies the body of a polar bear
Shagged to death by an Eskimo (Bambam).
Eskimo (Bambam).
Eskimo (Bambam).
Shagged to death by an Eskimo (Bambam).
158 CAP PELLETIER
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Rugby Alma Mater
(Sung to the tune of "Alma Mater")
The rugby boys are out on the piss again,
Out on the piss again, out on the piss again.
The rugby boys are out on the piss again,
We want to wee-wee now - what do we want, boys.
We want to wee-wee now, we want to wee-wee now.
The rugby boys are out on the piss again,
We want to wee-wee now.
The rugger huggers want to much of fucky fucky,
Too much of fucky fucky, too much of fucky fucky.
The rugger huggers want too much of fucky fucky.
We want to wee-wee now, we want to wee-wee now.
The rugby boys are out on the piss again,
We want to wee-wee now.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 159
Rule Britannia
(Sung to the tune of "Rule Britannia")
Rule Britannia marmalade and jam,
Three firecrackers up your arse hole.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Rule Britannia marmalade and jam,
Five Chinese firecrackers up your arse hole.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Rule Britannia marmalade and jam,
Five thousand firecrackers up your arse hole.
Whoosh!!!
160 CAP PELLETIER
Sambo Was A Lazy Coon
Sambo was a lazy coon
Went to sleep in the afternoon
So tired was he
So tired was he
Into the jungle he did go
Swinging his copper to and fro
When along came a bee
A fucking great bumble bee.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz,
Fuck off you bumble bee
I ain't no rose
I ain't syphillis tree
Get off my fucking nose
Get off my nasal organ
Don't you come near
If you want some honey
Better ask mummy cause you'll get no arsehole here.
Oh arsehole rules the navy
Arsehole rules the navy
Arsehold rules the navy but you'll get no arsehole here
Just beer, just beer, just beer, just beer.
|
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 161
Seven Old Ladies
(Sung to the tune of "Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be")
Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old ladies locked in the lavatory,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.
They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavatory door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.
The first was the wife of a deacon in Dover,
And though she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was old Mrs. Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
Who went in to pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not get her bum free
And nobody knew she was there.
The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
Who was doing all right 'till a vagrant suspender
Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.
The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim
But she somehow got pinched twixt the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew she was there.
But another old lady was Mrs. McBligh,
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.
162 CAP PELLETIER
She Went For A Ride In A Morgan
She went for a drive in a Morgan,
She sat with the driver in front.
He fooled with her genital organs:
The more vulgar-minded say "cunt."
Now she had a figure ethereal,
She auctioned it out to men's cocks,
And contracted diseases venereal:
:
The more vulgar-minded say "pox."
The dazzling peak of perfection,
There wasn't a prick she would scorn,
She gave every man an erection:
The more vulgar-minded say "horn."
Did you ever see Anna make water?
It's a sight that you ought not to miss.
She can lead for a mile and a quarter:
The more vulgar-minded say "piss."
If I had two balls like a bison
And a prick like a big buffalo,
I would sit on the edge of creation
And piss on the buggers below.
!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 163
Sit On My Face
(Sung to the tune of "Red River Valley")
On sit on my face and tell me that you love me.
I'll sit on your face and say I love you truly.
I love to hear you oralise,
When you're between my thighs,
You blow me away.
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you.
I'll sit on your face until you answer truly.
Life will be fine when we're both 69,
And we can sit on our faces in all kinds of places,
And wait 'til we're all blown away.
164 CAP PELLETIER
Some Die Of Drinking Water
Some die of drinking water
And some of drinking beer.
Some die of constipation
And some of diarrhea.
But of all the world's diseases
There's none that can compare
With the drip, drip, drip
Of a syphilitic prick
And they call it gonorrhea.
I like the girls who say they will,
I like the girls who won't.
I hate the girls who say they will
And then they say they won't.
But of all the girls I like the best
I may be wrong or right
Are the girls who say they never will
But look as though they might.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 165
Sonia Snell
This is the tale of Sonia Snell
To whom an accident befell,
An accident, as will be seen,
Embarrassing in the extreme.
It happened as it does to many
That Sonia went to spend a penny,
And entering with unconscious grace
The properly appointed place,
There behind the railway station
She sat in silent meditation,
Unfortunately unacquainted
The seat had recently been painted.
Too late did Sonia realize
Her inability to rise,
And though she struggled, pulled and yelled
She found that she was firmly held.
She raised her voice in mournful shout,
"Please, someone, come and get me out."
A crowd stood round and feebly sniggered,
A signalman said: "I'll be jiggered."
"Gor blimey," said an ancient porter,
"We ought to soak her orf wiv water."
The station master and his staff
Were most polite and did not laugh.
They tugged at Soma's hands and feet
But could not shift her off the seat.
A carpenter arrived at last
And finding Sonia still stuck fast
Remarked: "I know what I can do."
And quickly sawed the seat in two.
Sonia arose, only to find
She'd a wooden halo on her behind,
But an ambulance drove down the street
And bore her off complete with seat.
They rushed the wood-bustled girl
Quickly into hospital
And grasping her hands and head
Placed her face downwards on a bed.
The doctors came and cast their eyes
Upon the seat with some surprise.
A surgeon said: "Now mark my word
Could anything be more absurd?
Have any of you, I implore,
Seen anything like this before?"
"Yes," cried a student, unashamed,
"Frequently — but never framed."
166 CAP PELLETIER
Stormy Weather. Boys
CHORUS: Stormy weather, boys,
stormy weather, boys,
When the wind blows
the barge will go.
We wanna sail but we're out of luck,
The skipper's dead drunk
in the Dog and Duck.
Skipper come aboard with a girl on his arm,
Come along me pretty missy,
there's no cause for alarm.
He said he liked her very, very much,
He asked her if she'd shag
and she kicked him in the crutch.
Skipper's dead drunk
in the Dog and the Duck
Asking the barmaid if he can have a fuck.
Cook said he shouldn't be a skipper
on a punt
We're all agreed he's a silly old cunt.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 167
Sunshine Mountain
We're going up sunshine mountain,
Where the four winds blow.
We're going up sunshine mountain,
Faces all a-glow.
Turn your back on sorrow and hold your head high,
We're going up sunshine mountain,
You and I.
(Repeat about 500 times.)
168 CAP PELLETIER
Sweet Violets
(Sung to the tune of "Sweet Violets")
CHORUS: Sweet violets,
Sweeter then all the roses,
Covered all over from arse to tit
Covered
all over with shit. •■
Phillis Quat she died in the springtime,
She expired in a terrible fit,
We fulfilled her last dying wish, sir,
She was buried in six feet of —
Phillis Quat kept a sack in the garden
I was curious I must admit,
One day I stuck in my finger
And pulled it out covered in —
Phillis Quat took a bag to her boy friend's
But the bag was old and it split,
Now the boy friend
and Phyllis have parted
For the bag was packed quite full of —
I sat on a gold lavatory
In the home of the Baron of Split,
The seat was encrusted with rubies
But as usual the bowl contained —
There was a professional farter
Who could flatulate ballads and airs,
He could poop out the Moonlight Sonata
And accompany musical chairs, singing — '■ j
One day he attempted an opera
It was hard but the fool wouldn't quit,
With his head held aloft
he suddenly coughed
And collapsed in a big heap of shit.
Well, now my song it is ended
And I have finished my bit
And if any of you feel offended
Stick your head in a bucket of shit.
!
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 169
Swing-Low Sweet Chariot
(Sung to the tune of "Swing Low Sweet Chariot")
Swing-low sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home.
Swing-low sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home.
I looked over Jordan
And what did I see
Coming for to carry me home -
A band of angels coming after me
Comming for to carry me home.
If you get there before I do
Coming for to carry me home
Tell all my friends I'm coming too
Coming for to carry me home.
(Should be sung loudly and accompanied with pantomime, then whistled and accompanied
with pantomime, and then simply pantomimed without any other sounds.)
170 CAP PELLETIER
Take Me Out For A Good Ball
(Sung to the tune of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame")
Take me out for a good ball,
Lay me down on the ground.
Give me you penis and three stiff whacks,
If you come first, I won't ever come back.
For it's shoot, shoot, shoot for the hole please!
I can't believe you're so lame!
From the front, back, side, I don't care!
You're a damn bad lay!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 171
Team Chant
(Chanted)
We're a bunch of bastards,
Scum of the earth,
Filth of creation,
We're a bunch of masturbatin' sons of bitches,
Found in every whore house,
Drink, fight, and screw: mostly screw,
We of ________ R.F.C. say fuck you, FUCK YOU.
172 CAP PELLETIER
The Alphabet Song
A is for Asshole all tattered and torn,
CHORUS: Heigh Ho said Roily.
B is the Bastard that's never been born,
CHORUS: With a roily polly, up'em and stuff'em,
Heigh Ho said Anthony Roily.
C is for Cunt all dripping with piss,
D is the Drunkard who gave it a kiss.
E is for Eunuch with only one ball,
F is the Fucker with no balls at all.
G is for Gonorrhea, Goiter, and Gout,
H is the Harlot that spreads it about.
I is Injection for syphilis and itch,
J is the Jerk of a dog on a bitch.
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K is for King who thought fucking a bore,
L is the Lesbian who came back for more.
M is for Maidenhead tattered and torn,
N is the Noble who died with a horn.
O is for Orifice now gently revealed,
P is the Prick with the foreskin backpeeled.
Q is for the Quaker who shit in his hat,
R is the Roger who rogered the cat.
S is for Shitpot, all full to the brim, '■
T is the Turds that are floating within.
U is for Usher who taught us at school,
V is the Virgin who played with his tool.
W is for the Whore who made fucking a farce,
and X, Y, Z ... you
can stuff up your arse.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 173
The Bachelor's Son
CHORUS: And when I die I'll surely fry
In the brimstone pots of hell,
But until that day,
And if you can pay,
Then I have sin to sell.
I'm a bachelor's son and I live in sin
With another man's wife at The Cross,
I've a fantan pool, a two-up school,
A brothel and a fourpenny doss.
I've three ex-wives running sly grog dives,
And my brother forges ten-pound notes,
For a union on the rocks
We can rig a ballot box,
With a million phoney votes.
I sell sex to moral wrecks
And drugs to damn your nerves,
Abortions, too, I can fix for you,
We've a special line for perves.
Lesbian love and incest, too,
And flagellists quite a few,
And I've a special file
marked "Utterly Vile"
And an embalmed corpse
For a homo-necrophile.
174 CAP PELLETIER
The Ball Of Kerrvmuir (Balls To Your Partner)
CHORUS: Balls to your partner,
Ass against the wall,
If you've never been laid on Saturday night,
You've never been laid at all.
x uui <u.iu twenty viigiiiB,
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less.
Four and twenty prostitutes,
Came up from Glockamore,
And when the ball was over
They were all of them double bore.
The village plumber he was there,
He felt an awful fool,
He'd come eleven leagues or more
And forgot to bring his tool.
There was fucking in the hallways,
And fucking in the ricks,
You couldn't hear the music
For the swishing of the pricks.
There was fucking in the kitchen,
And fucking in the halls,
You couldn't hear the music for
The clanging of the balls.
There was fucking in the anteroom,
And fucking on the stairs,
You couldn't see the carpet
For the mas of public hairs.
The parson's daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass
And thistle up her cunt.
The village idiot he was there,
Up to this and that,
Amusing himself by abusing himself,
And catching it in his hat.
The bride was in the kitchen
Explaining to the groom,
The vagina not the rectum
Is the entrance to the womb.
The. village magician he was there,
Up to his favorite trick,
Pulling his foreskin over his head,
And disappearing up his prick.
The village giant he was there,
A mighty man was he,
He lined them up against the wall
And fucked them three by three.
The vicar and his wife were there,
Having lots of fun,
The parson had his finger
Up another lady's bun.
The village doctor he was there,
He had his bag of tricks,
And in between the dances
He was sterilizing pricks.
Father O'Flanagan he was there,
And in the corner he sat,
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his had.
There was fucking on the couches,
There was fucking on the cots,
And lying up against the wall
Were rows of grinning twats.
Giles he played a dirty trick,
We cannot let it pass,
He showed a lass his mighty prick
Then shoved it up her ass.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 175
THE BALL OF KERRYMUIR (BALLS TO YOUR PARTNER) (Continued)
Mrs. O'Maley she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
A jumping off the mantelpiece
And bouncing off her tits.
Jackie Stewart did his fucking,
Right upon the moor,
It was, he thought, much better
Than fucking on the floor.
Jock McDougall he was there,
A looking for a fuck,
But every quim was occupied
And he was out of luck.
The huntsman's daughter she was there,
Tired from the hunt,
A wreath of roses around her ass
And a carrot up her cunt.
The chimney sweep he was there,
They had to throw him out,
For every time he passed some wind
The room was filled with soot.
The village economist he was there,
His prick held in his hand,
Waiting for the moment when
Supply would meet demand.
The village blacksmith he was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Doing abortions by the score
With a piece of red hot wire.
The village postman he was there,
The poor man had the pox,
He couldn't fuck the lassies
So he fucked the letter box.
The blacksmith's father he was there,
A roaring like a lion,
He'd cut his cock off in the forge
So he used his rod of iron.
Dino had an even stroke,
His skill was much admired,
He fucked away half the night
Until his cock expired.
The village butcher he was there,
Cleaver in his hand,
Every time he turned around
He circumcised the band.
The village virgin she was there,
All dressed in frilly pink,
She took the boys behind the fence
And made their fingers stink.
Willy Roberts he arrived,
His prick was all alert,
But when the night was done
"Twas dangling in the dirt."
Now little Willy he was there,
But he was only eight,
He couldn't catch a harlot
So he had to masturbate.
The village veteran he was there,
His balls were made of brass,
And when he blew a fart, my lads,
The sparks flew out his ass.
Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys
To make their voices higher.
The village leper he was there,
Sitting on a log,
Peeling foreskin off his cock
And feeding it to his dog.
Another blacksmith he was there,
Tending to his fires,
Making prophylatics
Out of motorcycle tires.
176 CAP PELLETIER
THE BALL OF KERRYMUIR (BALLS TO YOUR PARTNER) (Continued)
The village builder he was there,
He brought his bag of tricks,
He poured cement in all the holes
And blunted all the pricks.
The village cripple he was there,
He wasn't very much,
Took the girls behind the house
And fucked them with his crutch.
Wee MacGregor he was there,
His pint of beer he'd split,
It mingled with the semen
That was trickling down his kilt.
The mayor's daughter she was there,
She had the crowd in fits,
Sliding down the bannister
And bouncing on her tits.
The village stable boy he was there,
The bastard was quite coarse,
We caught him in the stable
With his cock inside a horse.
The village parson he was there,
All dressed up in his shroud,
Swinging on the chandalier
Pissing on the crowd.
And when the ball was over,
What a sight to see,
Four and twenty maidenheads
A hanging from a tree.
And when the ball was over,
Everyone did confess,
They all enjoyed the dancing
But the FUCKING was the best.
Mrs. O'Leary she was there,
Swingin' from the chandelier,
Spilling her menstrual juices
Into everybody's beer.
The village cook he was there,
The bastard was quite crude,
They caught him in the kitchen
Masturbating in the food.
The Jersey girl was standin' there,
Her but against the wall,
"Put your money on the table boys,
I'm goin' to do youse all!"
The parson's wife she was there,
And she was worst of all,
Pulled her skirt above her head
And shouted, "FUCK IT ALL."
The vicar's wife she was there,
Sitting by the fire,
Knitting contraceptives
Out of india rubber tires.
Sergeant Murphy he was there,
The pride of the Force,
They caught him behind the barn
Jacking off a horse.
And when the ball was over,
All the guests confessed,
The music was the finest
But the FUCKING was the best.
And so the ball was over,
All went home to rest,
The music had been exquisite
Still the FUCKING was the best.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 177
The Chastity Belt
0 pray, gentle maiden,
let me be your lover,
Condemn me no longer
To mourn and to weep,
Struck down like a hart
1 lie bleeding and panting
Let down your drawbridge
I'll enter your keep.
Enter your keep, nonny nonny, -
Enter your keep, nonny nonny,
Let down your drawbridge,
I'll enter your keep.
Alas, gentle errant,
I am not a maiden,
I'm married to Sir Oswald,
The cunning old Celt,
He's gone to the wars
For a twelve month or longer
And taken the key
To my chastity belt.
Fear not, gentle maiden
For I know a locksmith.
To his forge we will go,
On his door we will knock
And try to avail us
Of his specialized knowledge
And see if he's able
To unpick your lock.
Alas, sir and madam,
To help I'm unable,
My technical knowledge
It is of no avail.
I can't find the secret
Of your combination
The cunning old Bastard
Has fitted a Yale.
I'm back from the wars
With sad news of disaster,
A terrible mishap
I have to confide,
As my ship was a-passing
The straits of Gibraltar
I carelessly dropped the key
Over the side.
Alas and alack, I am locked up forever
Then up stepped the page-boy
Saying leave this to me.
If you will allow me.
To enter your chamber
I'll open it up with
My duplicate key.
178 CAPPELLETIER
The Church Song — Ding A Dong
On Sunday afternoon
While the church was turning out
The Vicar said to me,
"I bet I've been through
More women than you."
And the verger said, "You're on.
We'll stand by the gate
While the women pass by
And this shall be our sign
You ding dong for the women you've had
And I'll ping pong for mine."
There were ding dongs
There were ping pongs
There were more ding dongs
Than there were more ping pongs
Till at last a woman went by
And the curate said, "Ding dong"
"Just a minute," said the Vicar,
"There's a mistake here
That is my wife I do declare."
"I don't give a bugger
I still been there
Ding a dong, ding a dong, ding a dong,
Ding Dong."
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 179
The Country Gentleman
CHORUS: Singing High Jig-a-Jig, Fuck a little pig.
Follow the band, Follow the band all the way.
Singing High Jig-a-Jig, Fuck a little pig.
Follow the band, Follow the band all the way.
I took my missus horse riding, horse riding
She stuck it as long as she could;
She stuck it and stuck it until she said, "Fuck it,
My arse hole is not made of wood."
I took my wife for a ramble, a ramble
Along a country lane.
She caught her left tit on a bramble, a bramble
And arse over bollocks she came.
I asked her if it had hurt her, had hurt her
If she had gone through any pain.
Before she could answer, could answer,
She was arse over bollocks again.
180 CAP PELLETIER
The Erection Factory
(Sung to the tune of "Caissons Go Rolling Along")
CHORUS: Oh, it's Hi Hi Hee at the Erection Factory,
Shout out your orders loud and clear: HARD ON!
But it isn't too much fun when you know he just can't cum,
As he tries for the (first, second, etc.) time around.
You can tell at a glance that he doesn't stand a chance
As he tries for the first time around.
You can tell by his look that he needs to read a book
As he tries for the first time around.
You can tell by the size that he'll never get a rise
As he tries for the second time around.
You can tell by the feel that he's not a man of steel
As he tries for the second time around.
You can tell by his shape that he's not a good bedmate
As he tries for the third time around.
You can tell by his pud that he's really just a dud
As he tries for the third time around.
You can tell by the meat that it's gonna be a feat As he tries for the fourth time around.
You can tell by his prick that it's gonna be a trick
As he tries for the fourth time around.
You can huff, he can puff, but he'll never get it up
As he tries for the fifth time around.
You can tell by his cock that you'd rather use a sock
As he tries for the fifth time around.
You can tell by his mauls that he hasn't got the balls
As he tries for the sixth time around.
You can tell by the fuck that you're gonna have to suck
As he tries for the sixth time around.
You can tell by the hump that he takes it in the rump
As he tries for the seventh time around.
You can tell by the sag that he really is a fag
As he tries for the seventh time around.
You can tell by his face that he can't keep up the pace
As he tries for the eighth time around.
You can tell it's too late and he'll never penetrate
As he tries for the eighth time around.
i
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 181
THE ERECTION FACTORY (Continued)
You can tell by his face that he's really lost in space
As he tries for the ninth time around.
You can tell by the groan that you've worn him to the bone
As he tries for the ninth time around.
You can tell by the whine that he can't go one more time
As he tries for the tenth time around.
You can tell it's too late and you'll have to masturbate
As he tries for the tenth time around.
He can masturbate for months but he'll only cum just once
As he tries for the eleventh time around.
You can tell by the blast that this time will be the last
As he tries for the eleventh time around.
You can tell he's a rugger cause he's such a damn good lover
As he makes it the last time around!
182 CAP PELLETIER
The Gang Bang Song
LEADER: Knock! Knock!
GROUP: Who's There?
LEADER: Orange.
GROUP: Orange who?
LEADER: Orange you glad we're going to have a gang bang...
CHORUS: ... and always will,
Because a gang bang gives me such a thrill.
When I was younger and in my prime,
I used to gang bang all the time.
But now I'm older and turning grey,
I only gang bang once a day.
(Use this same basic format for other verses.)
Jewish.
Jewish who?
Jewish we had a gang bang...
Eisenhower.
Eisenhower who?
Eisenhower late for the gang bang...
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive a gang bang.
Lina.
Lina who?
Lina up against the wall, we're going to have a gang bang...
Santana.
Santana who?
Santana na na na na.........
Banana.
Banana who?
Banana na na na na.........
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Santana na na na na.........
I
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 183
The Good Ship Venus
CHORUS: Yo! Ho! Ho! We haven't got anymore beer.
There's frigging on the rigging;
Wanking on the planking,
Tossing on the crossing,
There was fuck all else to do.
Twas on the good ship Venus,
By God you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast the Captain's penis.
The captain of this lugger,
He was a dirty bugger,
He wasn't fit to shove shit
From one place to another.
The captain's wife was Mabel.
Whenever she was able,
She'd fornicate the second mate
Upon the galley table.
The ship's cook's name was Freeman,
My God was he a demon,
He fed the crew on menstrual stew
And hymens fried in semen.
The captain had a daughter,
Who fell into the water,
We heard her squeal and knew an ell
Had found her sexual quarter.
The first mate's name was Carter,
By God he was a farter,
When the high winds would cease
They's use Carter to start her.
The second mate's name was Andy,
His balls were long and bandy,
We filled his arse with molten brass
For wanking in the brandy.
The cabin boy was Kipper,
A dirty little nipper,
We stuffed his arse with broken glass
To circumcise the skipper.
The captain's name was Morgan,
By Christ he was a gorgon!
Ten times a day sweet tunes he's play.
On his productive organ.
The captain's daughter Mable,
They laid her on a table!
And all the crew would come and screw
As oft as they were able.
"Twas on a Chinese station,
We caused a great sensation.
We sunk a junk in a sea of spunk
By mutual masturbation.
The third mate's name was Paul,
He only had one ball.
But with cracker he rolled terbaccer
Around the cabin wall.
The captain's daughter Mary,
Had never lost her cherry.
The men grew bold and offered gold
And now there's no more Virgin Mary.
Another cook was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly dally.
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
The boatswain's name was Lester,
He was a hymen tester.
Thru hymens thick he stuck his prick
And left it there to fester.
Another one was Cropper,
Oh Christ he had a whopper.
Twice round the deck, around his neck
And up his bum for a stopper.
184 CAP PELLETIER
THE GOOD SHIP VENUS (Continued)
The ship's dog's name was Rover,
The whole crew had him over,
We ground that faithful hound
From Singapore to Dover.
The engineer was McTavish
And young girls he did ravish,
His missing dick's at Istanbul
He was a trifle lavish.
A homo was the Purser,
He couldn't have beenworser,
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled: "Oh no sir."
So now we end this serial,
Through sheer lack of material.
I wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 185
The Hairs On Her Dicki Pi Do
CHORUS: And the hairs on her dicki di do
Hang down to her knees.
One black one, one white one
And one with a little shite on,
And one with a little light on
To show us the way.
The Mayor of Bayswater
He has a lovely daughter.
If she were my daughter,
I'd have them cut snorter.
She lives on a cattle ranch,
And shits like a bloody avalanche.
On her first trip through Melbourne,
She strangled her firstborn.
I've smelt it and felt it,
It feels like apiece of velvet.
I've ate it and fucked it,
And even loose rucked it.
I've touched it and poked it,
And even rolled and smoked it.
It would take a coal miner,
To find her vagina.
She married an Italian,
With balls like a bloody stallion.
She divorced the Italian,
And married the stallion.
It's like going through a forest,
To find her clitoris.
I licked it, I pricked it,
I even fly hacked it.
Her love thought he had seduced her,
But it turned out he'd only goosed her.
One black one, one white one,
The white one was semen.
On a trip through Vladivostock,
She sampled a bit of horsecock.
She sits on a mountain,
And pisses like a bloody fountain.
One green one, one red one,
The red one she bled on.
It takes a____________ rugger,
To get down and FUCK HER.
186 CAP PELLETIER
The Harlot of Jerusalem
CHORUS: Hey, hey, Kathusalem, Kathusalem, Kathusalem
Hey, hey, Kathusalem,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.
In the land of King Knute,
There lived a girl of ill repute,
A lusty, busty prostitute,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.
The boys would come from miles around,
Just to ride her up and down,
She only charged a half a crown,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.
There came a man from Palestine,
My God, he was a Frankenstein,
He thought he'd have himself a time,
On the Harlot of Jerusalem.
He laid her on a shady nook,
And from his pants the bastard took,
A penis like a butcher's hook,
For the Harlot of Jerusalem.
As she spread her legs apart,
She did cut a mighty fart,
That shot them like a fucking dart,
O'er the walls of Jerusalem.
As he flew on out of sight,
He did find to his delight,
The legs still wrapped around him tight,
Of the Harlot of Jerusalem.
As he flew so fancy free,
His balls did catch upon a tree,
And there they hand for all to see,
The shame of all Jerusalem.
i
i
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 187
The Hole In The Elephant's Bottom
I wanted to go on the stage
And now my ambition I've gotten,
In pantomime I'm all the rage
As the hole in the elephant's bottom.
His balls they hang so low
I think I could knot 'em,
As I wink at the girls in the pit
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
The man who plays the front part
Is absolutely rotten,
All he can do is to fart
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
One night we performed in a farce
And they stuffed up the bottom with cotton,
But it split and I showed my bare arse
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
There are pockets inside the cloth
For two bottles of Bass, if you've got 'em,
But they hiss and they boo when I blow out the froth
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
Now my part hasn't got any words
But there's nothing that can't be forgotten,
I spend all my time pushing property turds
Through the hole in the elephant's bottom.
Some may think that this story is good
And some may believe that it's rotten,
But those that don't like it can stuff it right up
The hole in the elephant's bottom.
188 CAP PELLETIER
The Keyhole In The Door
CHORUS: Oh, the keyhole in the door, the door,
The keyhole in the door,
I took up my position by the keyhole in the door.
I was invited for the weekend
to a ball at Cholmondely Hall,
To celebrate the wedding
of Sue Vere and Cousin Paul.
I read the guest list over
and imagine my delight,
When I found Sweet Fanny Adams
had come to spend the night.
The ball was one of splendor,
all the city nobs were there,
Touching up the ladies
like farmers at the fair,
And Fanny fairly dazzled
as she danced around the floor,
I resolved to be lie in wait for her
by the keyhole in the door.
I left the ballroom early,
just after half-past nine,
And as I hoped to find it
her room lay next to mine,
So taking off my trousers
I set off to explore
And took up my position
by the keyhole in the door.
I hadn't long to wait there
wrapped in my dressing gown,
When I saw Fanny on the staircase,
retiring all alone,
She didn't lock her bedroom door
I couldn't ask for more,
And I crept out of the shadows
by the keyhole in the door.
First she removed her stockings,
her silken legs to show,
And then her frilly panties
to reveal her fur below,
"Now take off all the other things,"
was all I could implore,
And silently I gripped the knob
and crossed the threshold door.
Silently I shut the door
and took her in my arms,
And sooner than I'd expected,
discovered all her charms,
And in case another person
should see the sights I saw,
I hung her frilly panties
o'er the keyhole in the door.
The night I rode in glory
as I plumbed the girl's insides
And on her heaving belly
I had many splendid rides,
But when I woke next morning
my dick was red and sore,
And I felt that I'd been screwing
through the keyhole in the door.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 189
The Kotex Factory
(Sung to the tune of "Caissons Go Rolling Along")
CHORUS: For it's Hi Hi Yee, in the Kotex Factory,
Shout out your sizes loud and clear.
Mumbo, Jumbo, Junior Miss, take it out when you piss.
For wherever you go, you will always know,
When the end of the month comes around.
You can tell from the stench that there's trouble in the trench,
When the end of the month comes around.
You can tell from the stink that your cock will come out pink,
When the end of the month comes around.
When she asks you for a dime, you will know it's her ragtime,
When the end of the month comes around.
When the sheets are all red, you will know it's time for head,
When the end of the month comes around.
You can tell from the smell, that tonight's gonna be hell,
When the end of the month comes around.
When she fondles in her purse, you will know she's got the curse,
When the end of the month comes around.
When you see that little white string, you will know she's got that thing,
When the end of the month comes around.
Pull that string, rip that cord, open up the old flood door,
RUN FOR COVER, IT'S A BLOODY GUSHER.
(ALTERNATE CHORUS AND VERSES.)
CHORUS: For it's high, high, hee in the Kotex factory,
Shout out your orders loud and strong.
Small! Medium! Large! Junior Miss! Family Size!
Bale of Hay! Cotton Field!
You can tell by the rope that she's gonna tell you nope,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by the smell that there's trouble in the well,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by her walk that you're gonna sit and talk,
When the end of the month rolls around.
190 CAP PELLETIER
THE KOTEX FACTORY (Continued)
You can tell by the look that you shoulda read a book,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by her stance that you're only gonna dance,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by the lump that you're only gonna dry hump,
When the end of the month rolls around.
j
You can tell by the red that the best you'll get is head,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by the pad that you're not gonna be a dad,
When the end of the month rolls around.
You can tell by her legs that she's about to drop her eggs,
When the end of the month rolls around.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 191
The Lobster
CHORUS: Singing ho tiddly ho
Shit or bust!
Never let your bollocks dangle in the dust!
"Good morning Mister Fisherman."
"Good morning, Sir." said he.
"Have you a lobster you can sell to me?"
"Yes, Sir." said the Fisherman.-
"I have two;
The biggest of the bastards I'll sell to you."
I took the lobster home
And I couldn't find a dish;
So I used the pot where the missus has a piss.
In the middle of the night
The wife got out of bed;
She piddled in the pot on the lobster's head.
The missus gave a giggle
Then she gave a grunt;
A dirty big lobster hanging from her cunt.
The wife grabbed the shovel
And I grabbed the broom;
We chased that lobster round the room.
We hit it on the head,
We hit in on the side;
We hit it 'till the bloody lobster died.
The moral of this story
The moral, it is this:
Always have a look-see before you have a piss.
(ALTERNATE VERSES.)
"Good morning, Mr. Fisherman."
"Good morning, Sir." said he.
"Have you a lobster you could sell to me?"
"Oh, yes Sir, yes Sir.
I have two;
The biggest of the bastards I will sell to you."
Well, I took the bastard home,
To give the wife a treat;
I put it in the piss pot to keep it sweet.
In the middle of the night,
As you might guess;
The wife got up to take herself a piss.
Well, first she gave a squeal,
And then she gave a grunt;
Because that fucking lobster bit her on the cunt.
Well, I grabbed a mop,
And the wife grabbed a broom;
We chased the lobster right around the room.
Well, we beat him on the back,
We beat him on the side,
We beat the lobster until the bastard died.
There's a moral to my story,
Which is simply this;
Always take a shufty before you take a piss.
This is the end of my story,
There isn't any more;
An apple's up my ass & you can eat the core.
192 CAPPELLETIER
The Maid Of The Mountain Glen
CHORUS: They called the bastard Stephen,
They called the bastard Stephen,
They called the bastard Stephen,
For that was the name of the ink
(Quink, Quink).
There was a maid of the mountain glen,
Seduced herself with a fountain pen.
The pen it broke and the ink ran wild,
And she gave birth to a blue-black child.
i
Stephen was a bonny child,
Pride and joy of his mother mild.
And all that worried her was this —
His steady stream of blue-black piss.
Mary of New Brighton Pier,
Seduced herself with a bottle of beer.
The top came off and the froth ran wild,
And she gave birth to a nut brown child.
FINAL
CHORUS: They called the bastard Frellfalls,
They called the bastard Frellfalls,
They called the bastard Frellfalls,
For that was the name of the beer
(Queer, Queer).
|
!
!
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 193
The Minstrels Sing Of A Bastard King Of Many Long Years Ago
CHORUS: He was forty, fat and full of fleas,
His sceptre sat between his knees,
God bless the Bastard King of England.
The minstrels sing of a Bastard King
of many long years ago
Who ruled his land with an iron hand,
Though his mind was weak and low,
His only outer garment
was a dirty yellow shirt
With which he tried to hide his hide,
But he couldn't hide the dirt.
Now the Queen of Spain
was an amorous dame,
And a sprightly wench was she
And longed to play in a sexual way
With the King across the sea.
So she sent a secret message
With a secret messenger
To ask the King if he would string
Along to sleep with her.
Now OF Philip of France
he heard by chance
Within his royal court,
And he swore, "By God, she loves this slob
Because I'm rather short,"
So he sent the Duke of Suffering Sap
To give to the Queen a dose of clap
To pass it on to the
Bastard King of England.
When news of the foul deed was heard
Within fair London's walls
The King he swore by the Royal Whore
He'd have King Philip's life.
He offered half the royal purse
And a piece of Princess Claire
To any British subject
Who'd undo Philip the Fair.
The Duke of Northerland saddled his horse
And galloped off to France,
He swore he was a fairy,
The King let drop his pants,
Then in front of a throng
He slipped on a thong
Leaped on his horse and galloped along,
Dragging the Frenchman back
To Merrie Old England.
When the King of England saw the sight
He fell in a faint on the floor,
For during the ride his rival's hide
Was stretched a yard or more,
And all the whores in silken drawers
Came down to London town.
And should round the battlements,
'To Hell with the British Crown."
And Philip alone usurped the throne
His sceptre was his royal bone,
With which he ditched
The Bastard King of England.
194 CAP PELLETIER
The Mole Catcher
CHORUS: With his la ti lie diddle,
and his la ti lie day.
In Manchester city
by the sign of The Plough
There lived a mole catcher,
I can't tell you how,
He'd go out mole catching
from morning till night,
And a young fellow would come
for to visit his wife.
Now the mole catcher got jealous
of all the same thing,
And he hid under the wash house
to see what did come in.
Now this young fellow
comes climbing over the stile,
And the mole catcher's watching
with a crafty smile.
He knocks at the door
and this he does say,
"Where is your husband,
good woman, I pray?
"He's gone out mole catching,
you have nothing to fear."
Little did she know
the old bastard was near.
They went up the stairs
and she gives him the sign,
But the filthy old fellow
did creep up behind.
Now just as the young fellow
reached the height of his frolics,
The mole catcher grabs him
quite fast by the buttocks.
The trap it squeezed tighter,
the mole catcher did smile,
"Here's the best mole
we've caught in a while."
"I'll make you pay well
for ploughing me ground.
This little prank will cost you
all of ten pound."
"Oh," says the young fellow,
"Christ gov, I don't mind,
For it only works out
at tuppence a grind."
So come all you young fellows
and mind what you're at.
Don't ever get yours caught
in a mole catcher's trap.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 195
The Monk Of Great Renown
CHORUS: The old sod, the sod,
The bugger deserved to die.
There was a monk of great renown,
Who shagged an innocent maid from town.
His brother monks they cried in shame,
So he turned her over and shagged her again.
He met another by the mill,
And shagged and shagged her up the hill.
He met another in the hay,
And put her in the family way.
He took her to the abbot's bed,
And shagged and shagged till she was dead.
But when the abbot cried, "Amen,"
He shagged her back to life again.
His brother monks to stop his mauls,
Put a nail through his dick and cut off his balls.
And now the moral I will tell,
And now the moral I will tell,
When all the world just feels like hell,
Just shag and shag till all is well.
196 CAP PELLETIER
The North Atlantic Squadron
CHORUS: Away, away with fife and drum
Here we come full of rum
Lookin' for women who'll peddle
their bum
On the North Atlantic Squadron
For forty days and forty nights
We sailed the broad Atlantic,
And never to pass a piece of arse,
It drove us nearly frantic.
The cock she ran around the deck
The Captain he pursued her,
He caught her on the afterdeck
The dirty bastard screwed her.
The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
The dirty little nipper,
He filled his bum with bubble gum,
And vulcanized the skipper.
The Captain loved the cabin boy,
He loved him like a brother,
And every night between the sheets
They cornholed one another.
The second mate did masturbate,
No dick was higher or wider
They cut off his dick upon a rock
For pissing in the cider.
In days of old when knights were bold,
And women weren't particular,
They lined them up against the wall
And fucked them perpendicular.
In days of old when men were bold,
And rubbers weren't invented,
They wrapped a sock around their cock
And babies were prevented.
We're off, we're off to Montreal,
We'll fuck the women,
We'll fuck them all,
We'll pickle their cherries in alcohol,
On the North Atlantic Squadron.
There was a whore from Montreal,
She spread her legs from wall to wall,
But all she got was sweet fuck all
From the North Atlantic Squadron.
There was a whore from Singapore
Hung upside down inside a door,
And she was left split, worn and sore
By the North Atlantic Squadron.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 197
The Portions Of The Female
The portions of the female
That appeal to man's depravity,
Are fashioned with considerable care,
And what at first appears
To be a modest cavity,
Is really as elaborate affair.
Now doctors who have studied
These feminine phenomena,
With numerous experiments on- dames,
Have taken all the items
Of the gentle sex's abdomina,
And given them all length Latin names.
There's the Vulva, the Vagina,
And of course the old Peronina,
And the Hymen that is often found in brides,
There's a lot of little things —
You'd love 'em if you see 'em,
The Clitoris and God knows what besides.
What a pity it is then,
That we common people chatter
Of those mysteries to which I have referred,
And we use for such delicate
And complicated matter,
Such a very short and vulgar little word.
The erudite authorities who study
The geography
Of that obscure but entertaining land,
Are able to indulge a taste
For intricate topography,
And view the happy details close at hand.
But ordinary people though aware
Of their existence,
And complexities beneath the public know
Are normally content
Just to view them at a distance,
And treat them roughly speaking as a show.
And therefore when we laymen
Probe the secrets of virginity,
Our methods are perhaps a little blunt,
We do not cloud the issue
With meticulous Latinity,
But call the whole concern a simple cunt.
For men have made this useful
And pleasure-giving article,
The topic of innumerable jibes,
And though the name is old
Which they have given to this particle,
It seems to fit the subject it describes.
198 CAPPELLETIER
The Puppy Song
The puppies had a meeting, they came from near and far,
And some they came by aeroplane and some by motor car.
And when they were assembled according to the book,
Each puppy took his asshole and hung it on a hook.
The meeting was successful for puppy, bitch, and sire,
Till some grey spotted mongrel stood up and shouted fire.
The puppies they all panicked and without a second look,
Took any flaming asshole from any flaming hook.
The puppies were pathetic, their asses were so sore,
For each one had an asshole he'd never had before.
And that's the only reason a dog will leave a bone,
To sniff some doggy's asshole to see if it's his own.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 199
The Rajah Of Astrakhan
There once was a Rajah of Astrakhan, yo-ho, yo-ho,
The dirty old Rajah of Astrakhan, yo-ho, yo-ho,
He had more than one hundred wives, and twice as many concubines,
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
He woke one night with a helluva stand, yo-ho, yo-ho,
And called the chief of his warrior band, yo-ho, yo-ho,
Go, my friendly warrior kind, and fetch my favorite concubine,
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
He fetched his favorite concubine, yo-ho, yo-ho,
Her face and her figure were both divine, yo-ho, yo-ho,
But all the Rajah did was grunt and stuffed his tool right up her cunt,
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
The Rajah was getting all heated and red, yo-ho, yo-ho,
The pace of his work had gone to his head, yo-ho, yo-ho,
But just as the fuck was reaching a head, both poor buggers fell out of bed,
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
They hit the floor with a helluva smack, yo-ho, yo-ho,
Which completely shattered the woman's crack, yo-ho, yo-ho,
And as for the Rajah's once proud cock, it never withstood the shock,
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
Now at night when the Rajah's in bed, yo-ho, yo-ho,
His once proud tool never raises its head, yo-ho, yo-ho,
All battered and bruised, and bent in the middle, it's all the poor bugger can do to piddle,
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
As to most stories there's a moral to tell, yo-ho, yo-ho,
And, of course, there's a moral to this one as well, yo-ho, yo-ho,
When screwing a pro, or a cone' or a whore, don't do it too hard or you'll fall on the floor!
Yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho you buggers, yo-ho, yo-ho, heave ho.
200 CAPPELLETIER
The Ram Of Derbyshire
CHORUS: If you don't believe me
Or if you think I lie
Go ask the girls of Derbyshire
They'll tell you the same as I.
There was a ram of Derbyshire
That had two horns of brass,
The one grew out of its head, sir,
The other grew out of its ass. -
When the ram was young, sir,
It had a nasty trick
Of jumping over a five-barred gate
And landing on its prick.
When the ram was old, sir,
They put in a truck
And all the girls of Derbyshire
Came out to have a fuck.
When the ram was dead, sir,
They buried it in St. Paul's,
It took twelve men and a donkey cart
To carry aways its balls.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 201
The Ring Dang Doo
CHORUS: Now the Ring Dang Doo,
Pray, what is that?
So soft and round like a pussy cat,
So soft and round and split in two,
That's what they call the Ring Dang Doo.
I got a gal in New Orleans,
She's young, just sweet sixteen,
She's young, and pretty too,
And she's got what they call
The Ring Dang Doo.
She took me down into her cellar,
She said I was a very fine feller,
She fed me with wine, and whiskey too,
And she let me play
With her Ring Dang Doo.
She took me up into her bed,
Placed a pillow beneath my head,
Took out my dick a doodle-----doo,
And stuck it in
Her Ring Dang Doo.
Now her mother said, "You goddam fool,
You have broken the golden rule,
So pack your bags and your suitcase too,
And go to hell with
Your Ring Dang Doo."
Now she went to town to become a whore,
She placed a sign upon her door,
"Two dollars down, the rest I'll do,
To take a crack at
My Ring Dang Doo."
They came by fours, they came by twos,
First came the Japs, then came the Jews,
Then came the sailors, the Marines too,
Till they damn near ruined
Her Ring Dang Doo.
The army came and the army went,
The price went down to fifty cents,
They got the clap and the scabadoo,
When they all took a crack at
Her Ring Dang Doo.
And now she's dead and buried deep,
Her body lies on Chestnut Street,
Her tits hang on the city wall,
And her pussy floats in alcohol.
202 CAP PELLETIER
The Rugby Tinker
CHORUS: With his bloody great kidney wiper,
And with balls enough for three,
And a yard and a half of foreskin,
Hanging down below his knees.
The lady of the manor was dressing for the ball,
When she spied the rugby tinker tossing off against the wall;
She wrote to him a letter and in it she did say,
"I'd rather be shagged by you, sir, than his lordship anyday;"
The tinker read the letter and when it he did read,
His balls began to fester and his prick began to bleed;
He mounted on his charger and on it he did ride,
His prick across his saddle and a ball on either side;
He rode into the courtyard and on up to the hall,
"Bloody," cried the valet, "he has come to fuck us all;"
He fucked them in the kitchen and fucked them in the stall,
And the way he shagged the valet was the funniest fuck of all;
The tinker bagged the mistress and in ten minutes she was dead,
With a yard and a half of foreskin firmly wrapped about her head;
He rode from out the manor and on into the street,
With little drops of semen pitter-pattering at his feet;
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The tinker he is dead now and buried in St. Paul's,
It took a team of oxen just to drag away his balls;
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Some say he went to heaven and some he went to hell,
Some say he shagged the devil and we know he shagged him well.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 203
The S&M Man
(Sung to the tune of "The Candy Man")
CHORUS: The S&M man,
The S&M man.
The S&M man,
'Cause he does it with love,
Makes the hurt feel good,
The hurt feel good.
Who can take two icepicks,
(ALL REPEAT)
And stick them in her ears?
(ALL REPEAT)
Rev her up like a Harley and drive her in the rear.
(THIS BEING THE BASIC FORMAT, SING THE FOLLOWING VERSES.)
Who can take a little boy,
And entice him into his car?
Fill'm full of ludes and let him loose in a gay bar.
Who can take some thumbtacks,
And spread them on the floor?
Make'm dance barefoot 'till their feet are bloody and sore.
Who can take a butcher knife,
And wave it to and fro?
Cut off a little finger and see if it will grow.
Who can take a chicken,
And spread its little legs?
-
Reach up inside and pull out a dozen eggs.
Who can take a slingshot,
And two coconuts?
Then bend you over and shoot 'em up your butt.
204 CAP PELLETIER
The Sexual Life Of A Camel
CHORUS: Singin' rum titty titty ram titty titty titty rum,
ram titty titty rum titty titty aye.
Singin' rum titty titty ram titty titty titty rum,
The arse hole is here to stay.
Oh, we're all queers together,
That's why we go round in pairs.
Oh, we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs.
The sexual life of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season he tries to bugger the sphinx.
But the sphinx' posterior orifice is clogged by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel and the sphinx' inscrutable smile.
The sexual life of the ostrich is stranger than that of man.
At the height of the mating season she buries her head in the sand.
When along comes the male of the species and sees this great arse in the air,
Will he ask if it's male or female or does he really care.
'Twas Christmas eve at harem and the eunuchs all were there,
Observing the vestigal virgins combing their public hair.
When the voice of Father Christmas cam echoing through the hall,
Asking what would you like for Christmas and eunuchs all answered balls.
The sexual life of a bullfrog is understood by some,
At the height of the mating season he crawls up the arse of his chum.
But this vile orifice is horrible and filled with foul gases and slime,
Which accounts for his croak and why he says "ugh" all the time.
In the process of syphilization from anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy has buggered whatever it can.
But recent extensive researches conducted by Darwin and Ball,
Prove conclusively that the hedgehog has never been buggered at all.
But theorems were meant to be broken as in the postulate written
above, '
Regarding the plight of the hedgehog and the boundaries of sexual
love.
For a crafty oP naval bugger left his memoirs to Harvard and Yale,
Simply stating the fact that the hedgehog can be buggered by shaving his
tail.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 205
The Street Of A Thousand Arse Holes
CHORUS: Her greasy twat
Was always hot,
U-Flung-Shit,
Her name, her name,
U-Fmng-Shit her name.
In the Street of a Thousand Arse holes The Chinese maiden now is gone
Neath the sign of swinging tit, No longer does she sit,
There lived a Chinese maiden - n the Street of a Thousand Arse
Holes
By the name of U-Flung-Shit. By the sign of the
swinging tit.
She sat beneath the joss sticks
With a smile of celestial bliss,
Her breath like scented lotus,
Her eyes like pools of piss.
She thought of her lover, the bastard,
She thought of her pox ridden beaux,
She thought of the scores she'd had on the floors,
When up walked Won-Hung-Low.
"Oh come to me, you bag of shit."
He cried with tits in hand,
"My love for you will last for hours
Like ice upon the burning sand."
She raised herself on her starboard tit
And gave her tits a tweak,
With smiles in her eyes she stared at him
And said, "Go shit a Peke."
He clutched his tool with calloused hand
And beat it on the walls,
Removed his hat and trampled that
Then danced upon his balls.
At length with anger screaming out
He pissed himself with spleen,
He went and shit and stamped in it
His scrotum turned quite green.
His anger quickly mastered him
He felt with fury black,
She stood on him and bared her quim
And pissed on the bugger's back.
206 CAP PELLETIER
The Tattooed Lady
One night in gay Paree
I paid five francs to see
A much tattooed lady
A big fat French lady
Tattooed from head to knee
And on her jaw
Was a British man-o-war
And in the middle of her back
Was a Union Jack
So I paid three francs more
And up and down her spine
Were the old die-hards in line
And on her big fat bum
Was a picture of the rising sun
And on her fanny
Was Al Jolson singing "Mammy"
How I loves her, how I loves her
My mother-in-law.
I loves my mother-in-law
She is nothing but a dirty old whore
She nags me day and night
I can't do fuck all right
Last night I heard
she was coming round to stay Now isn't it a pity
She only has one titty
And in the family way.
Last night I greased the stairs
Put tin-tacks on the chairs
I hope she breaks her back
Because I do love wearing black -
Now Tommy Tucker
Is a stupid little fucker
How I loves her, how I loves her,
How I loves my mother-in-law.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 207
The Traveler
I came home on Saturday night as drunk as I could be,
And there was a hat upon the rack where my hat out to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me,
Whose is that hat upon the rack where my hat ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you daft old fool, as drunk as a fart can be
That's not a hat upon the rack but a chamber pot you see."
Well, I've travelled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a jerry with a hatband on I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night as drunk as I could be,
And there was a horse in the stable where my horse ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this horse in the stable where my horse ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you daft old fool, as drank as a fart can be,
That's not a horse in the stable but a milch cow you can see."
Well, I've travelled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a milch cow with a saddle on I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night as drunk as I could be,
And there were some breeches beside the bed where my breeches ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me,
Whose are those breeches a-lying where my breeches ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you daft old fool, as drank as a fart can me,
Those aren't a pair of breeches but a polishing cloth you see."
Well, I've travelled this wide world over, a thousand miles or more,
But a polishing cloth with buttons on I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night as drunk as I could be,
And there was a head on the pillow where my head ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this head a-lying there where my head ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drank, you fool, you daft old fool, as drunk as a fart can be,
That's not a head on the pillow, but a mushmelon you see."
Well, I've travelled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a mushmelon with a moustache I never saw before.
I came home on Saturday night as drank as I could be
And there was a prick inside my bed where my prick ought to be,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing to me,
Whose is this prick a-standing here where my prick ought to be?"
"Oh, you're drank, you fool, you daft old fool, as drank as a fart can be,
That's not a prick a-standing there, but a carrot that you see."
Well, I've travelled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a carrot with balls on it I never saw before.
208 CAP PELLETIER
THE TRAVELER (Continued)
I came home on Saturday night as drunk as I could be,
There was a stain on the counterpane, and it didn't come from me,
So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Explain this thing, to
me,
What's this stain on the counterpane which doesn't come from me?"
"Oh, you're drunk, you fool, you daft old fool, as drunk as a fart
can be,
That's not a stain on the counterpane but some baby's milk you see."
Well, I've travelled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But baby's milk that smelt like cum I've never smelt before.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 209
The Tulagi Song
CHORUS: Fuck 'em all, fuck 'em all,
The long and the short and the tall,
There'll be no promotions this side of the ocean,
The fucking reserves got 'em all.
So we asked the Army to come to Tulagi,
General MacArthur said no,
He gave us the reason, it wasn't the season,
Besides there's no USO.
So we asked the Air Force to come to Tulagi,
The Air Force was quick to agree,
They bombed out my bunkie, two dogs and one donkey,
And seven platoons of jireens.
So we asked the Coast Guard to come to Tulagi,
The Coast Guard didn't appear,
They sent us a letter, said we like it here better,
Maybe we'll make it next year.
So we asked the Navy to come to Tulagi,
The Navy was pleased and agreed,
From four directions, with forty sections,
Oh what a fucked up stampeed.
So we asked the Nurses to come to Tulagi,
The Nurses were quick to appease,
Their asses on tables, all bearing the labels,
Reserved for the officers please.
So here's to your corporals and all your 01's,
Here's to your sergeants and their bastard sons,
As we fondly do bid them farewell,
The long and the short and the tall,
There'll be no promotions this side of the ocean,
The fucking reserves got 'em all.
210 CAP PELLETIER
The Twelve Days Of Rugby
(Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")
On the first day of rugby my true love gave to me:
(1) a hand job in a hair tree.
(2) two shit house doors.
(3) three French whores.
(4) four fuckers fucking.
(5) five pubic hairs.
(6) six syphilitics.
(7) seven swinging scrotums.
(8) eight aching arse holes.
(9) nine gnawed off nipples.
(10) ten torn off testicles.
(11) eleven licking lesbians.
(12) twelve twitching twats.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 211
The Virgin Sturgeon
CHORUS: My ruddy oath it is,
My ruddy oath it is.
Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon,
The virgin sturgeon's a very fine fish,
The virgin sturgeon needs no urgin',
That's why caviar is my dish.
I gave caviar to my girlfriend, -
She was a virgin tried and true,
Ever since she had the caviar,
There ain't nothing she won't do.
I gave caviar to my grandpa,
Grandpa's age is ninety-three,
And next time I saw grandpa,
He'd chased grandma up a tree.
I gave caviar to my bow-wow,
All the others looked agog,
He had what those bitches wanted,
Wasn't he a lucky dog?
My father was a lighthouse keeper,
He had caviar for his tea,
He had three children by a mermaid,
Two were kippers, one was me.
Oysters are prolific bivalves,
Rear their young ones in their shell,
How they priddle is a riddle,
But they do, so what the hell.
The female clam is optimistic,
Shoots her eggs out in the sea,
She hopes her suitor as a shooter,
Hits the self-same spot as she.
212 CAP PELLETIER
The Walrus And The Carpenter
If all the whores with dirty drawers
Were lying in the Strand
Do you suppose, the Walrus said
That we could raise a stand?
I doubt it, said the Carpenter
But wouldn't it be grand
And all the while the dirty sod
Was coming in his hand.
When you were only sweet sixteen
And had a little quim
You stood before the looking-glass
And put one finger in
But now that you are old and grey
And losing all your charm
I can get five fingers in
And half my fucking arm.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 213
The Wild Rover
(Sung to the tune of "Wild Rover")
CHORUS: And it's no nay never, no nay never no more
Will I play the wild rover, no never no more.
I've been a wild rover for many a year
And I spent all my money on whisky and beer
But now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I swear I will play the wild rover no more.
I went to an ale-house I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent
I asked her for credit she answered me no
It's custom like yours I can get any day.
I took from my pocket sovereigns so bright
That the landlady's eyes opened wide with delight
She said she had whisky and beer of the best
And the words that she spoke were only in jest.
I'll go to my parents, confess what I've done
And ask them to pardon their prodigal son
And when they forgive me as oftimes as before
Then I swear I will play the wild rover no more.
214 CAP PELLETIER
The Wild West Show
CHORUS: We're off to see the Wild West Show,
The elephants and the kangaroos - os -os,
No matter what the weather as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Oh No Bird.
The Oh No Bird has legs three inches long,
But has testicles which hang down six inches,
And whenever it comes in for a landing,
It goes, "Oh no, oh no, oh no."
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Crash Bam Bam Bam Bird.
The Crash Bam Bam Bam Bird is a very close relative
to the aforementioned Oh No Bird,
But unlike the Oh No Bird,
The Crash Bam Bam Bam Bird only roosts on corrigated tin roofs,
And when it comes in for a landing it goes crash bam bam bam.
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have Lulu the tattooed lady.
She has a "W" tattooed on one side of her ass,
And she has a "W" tattooed on the other side of her ass,
And when she stands up it spells "WOW,"
And when she stands on her hands it spells "MOM,"
And when she does cartwheels it spells "WOW, MOM, WOW."
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... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have Lulu the tattooed lady's sister.
On the inside of one thigh she has "MERRY CHRISTMAS" tattooed,
And on the inside of the other thigh she has "HAPPY NEW YEAR"
tattooed,
And she invites all of you to come between the holidays.
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Fuckgowee Tribe.
The Fuckgowee Tribe lives in deepest, darkest Africa,
In a land of six feet tall grass,
But the Fuckgowee Tribe stand only three feet tall,
And they go around all day saying "Where the fuck are we, where the fuck are we?"
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Mathematical Impossibility.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
The Mathematical Impossibility is the only girl in the whole world,
Who was ate before she was seven.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 215
THE WILD WEST SHOW (Continued)
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Admiral's Daughter.
Yes, the infamous Admiral's Daughter.
She is the final resting place for discharged semen.
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Ch-Ch-Christ Bird.
This bird has one wing half as long as the other,
Thus it flys in ever decreasing concentric circles,
Until it flys up its own anal orifice,
And then shouts, "Ch-Ch-Christ it's dark in here."
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Bengal Tiger.
The Bengal Tiger is the only pussy in thewhole world that eats you.
... Hiya, Hiya, Hiya ladies and gentlemen,
In this corner we have the Dentist.
The Dentist is the only man you have to pay to put his tools in your mouth.
216 CAP PELLETIER
The Woman Marine Hymn
(Sung to the tune of "Davey Crockett")
CHORUS: Rosey, Rosey Rottencrotch,
Pride of the Women Marines.
Born in a whorehouse, in Oceanside,
So fucking ugly, her mother cried.
Lived in a shack, on old North Hill,
Before the age of five, they had her on the pill.
At age seventeen, she joined the Corps,
Became like the rest, a duty whore.
Thought she was better, a superior lass,
I jumped up and told her, kiss my ass.
We sent her to school, they didn't teach her shit,
When she got out, she thought she was it.
Became the Gunner's favorite, his number one runt,
But we all know, she's just a slimy cunt.
Because her cheeks, were a little pink,
She was convinced, her shit didn't stink.
They made her a corporal, an NCO,
But all she did right, was give a good blow.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 217
There Was A Priest. The Dirty Beast
There was a priest, the dirty beast,
Whose name was Alexander.
His mighty prick was inches thick
He called it Salamander.
One night he slept with the Gypsy Queen,
Whose face was black as charcoal,
But in the dark he missed his mark,
And sparks came out her arse hole.
A brat was born one rainy morn,
With a face as black as charcoal,
It had a prick ten inches thick
But it didn't have an arse hole.
218 CAP PELLETIER
There Was A Young Sailor
There was a young sailor who set on a rock
Wailing his fists and abusing his...
Navel, a neighboring tavern was watching his fits
Teaching his children to play with their...
Kites and their marbles as in days of yore
Along came a woman who looked like a...
Decent young lady who walked like a duck
She said she was learning a new way to...
Bring up the children and teach them to knit
While the boys in the barnyard were shoveling...
The contents of pigsty much and the mire
The squire of the manor was pulling his...
Horse from the stable to go to the hunt
His wife in the boudoir was powdering her...
Nose and arranging her vanity box
And taking precautions to ward off the...
Gout and rhuematics which makes her feel stiff
Too well did she remember her last dose of...
What did you think I was going to say?
No you rude bugger that's all for today.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 219
These Foolish Things
Ten pounds of titty in a loose brassiere
Your toit a-twitchin like a moose's ear
Ejaculations in my glass of beer
These foolish things remind me of you, Dear.
Naked color photographs of Liberace
The way you say to me "Come lick my crotchy"
Syphilitic scabs that make my face all blotchy
These foolish things remind me of you, Dear.
A pubic hair in my breakfast roll
A bloody Kotex in my toilet bowl
The festic odor of your pink asshole
These foolish things remind me of you, Dear.
An unborn fetus on a marble slab
Erected penis with a broken scab
A sloppy blow job in a taxi cab
These foolish things remind me of you, Dear.
220 CAPPELLETIER
They're Digging Up Dad's Remains
They're digging up dad's remains to build a sewer;
They're doing the job regardless of expense;
They're digging up dad's remains to make way for ten inch drains
To satisfy some rich man's residence, 'gor blieme!
Now father in his lifetime wasn't a quitter, a quitter;
And I don't suppose he'll be a quitter now;
Cause he'll dress up in a sheet and he'll haunt the shithouse seat
And only let them toffs go when he allows, 'gor blieme!
Now won't there be some horrible constipation;
Oh won't the loose bound toffs oh rack and rave;
But it serves them bloody well right
For having the perishing nerve to muck about with a British workman's grave.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 221
Those Old Red Flannel Drawers That Maggie Wore
CHORUS: Those old red flannel drawers that Maggie wore.
They were tattered, they were torn,
Round the crotch piece they were worn.
They were rotten down the front,
With the dripping of her cunt.
She put them in the sink,
My God, there was a stink.
They were hemmed in, they were tucked in,
They were the drawers that she was married in.
She put them on the mat,
And paralysed the cat.
She hung them on the line,
And the sun refused to shine.
She buried them in the ground,
Killed the grass for miles around.
222 CAPPELLETIER
Three German Officers
(Sung to the tune of "Inky, Dinky, Parlez-veus")
Three German officers crossed the Rhine,
Parlez-veus,
Three German officers crossed the Rhine,
Parlez-veus,
Three German officers crossed the Rhine,
They fucked the women and drank the wine,
Inky, dinky, parlez-veus.
They came upon a wayside inn,
Shit on the mat and walked right in.
Oh landlord have you a daughter fair,
Lily-white tits and golden hair?
At last they got her on a bed,
Fucked her till her cheeks were red.
And then they took her to a shed,
Fucked her till she was nearly dead.
They took her down a shady lane,
Fucked her back to life again.
They took her up in an aeroplane,
Squeezed her tits and made it rain.
They fucked her up, they fucked her down,
The fucked her right around the town.
They fucked her in, they fucked her out,
-
They fucked her up her waterspout.
Now she lives in our town,
Sells her cunt for half a crown.
Seven months went and all was well,
Eight months went and she started to swell.
Nine months went and she gave a grunt,
And a little white bugger popped out her cunt.
The little white bugger he grew and grew,
He fucked his mother and sister too.
The little white bugger he went to hell,
He fucked the Devil and his wife as well.
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 223
Three Old Whores From Winnipeg
CHORUS: Oh, roily poly stick-a my holey,
Up my slimy slough,
I drag my balls across the halls,
I'm one of the sportin' crew.
Three old whores from Winnipeg
Were drinking cherry wine,
Says one of them to the other two,
"Yours is smaller than mine." '
"You're a liar," says the second old whore,
"Mine's as big as the sea,
Ships sail in and ships sail out
And never bother me."
"You're a liar," says the third old whore,
"Mine's as big as the moon,
Ships sail in on the first of the year
And never come out till June."
"You're a liar," say the first again,
Mine's as big as the air,
Ships sail in and ships sail out
And never tickle a hair."
"You're a liar," says the second again,
"Mine is bigger than all,
For many's the ship that sails right in
And never comes out at all."
224 CAP PELLETIER
Trojan Is A GirPs Best Friend
A poke with a bloke may be quite incidental,
Trojan is a girl's best friend,
You may get the works
But you won't be parental.
As he slides it in,
You trust that good old latex skin,
As he lets fly, none gets by
'Cos it's all gathered up in the end.
This little precaution
Avoids an abortion.
Trojan is a girl's best friend.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 225
Victory Song
We don't play for adoration,
We don't play for victory.
We just play for inspiration,
We're the__________R.F.C.
Balls to_________________.
Balls to_________________.
We won't play you anymore.
We won't play you anymore.
226 CAP PELLETIER
We Are Warriors
CHORUS: We are warriors!
Mighty, mighty warriors,
We have bullets,
And we got rifles.
We went hunting,
Came upon a river,
Couldn't go under it,
Couldn't go over it, -
Couldn't go around it,
Had to go through it!
We went hunting,
Came upon a mountain,
Couldn't go under it,
Couldn't go over it,
Couldn't go around it,
Had to go through it!
We went hunting,
Came upon a woman!
Couldn't go under her,
Couldn't go over her,
Couldn't go around her,
HAD TO GO THROUGH HER!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 227
We're AH Queers Together (Bum Tittie)
CHORUS: Singing Bum Tittie tittie, Bum Tittie tittie, Tittie bum.
Singing Bum Tittie tittie, Bum Tittie tittie, Yay.
Singing Bum Tittie tittie, Bum Tittie tittie, Tittie bum.
The assholes are here to stay.
My name is Cecil,
I live in Leicester Square.
I wear the pink pajamas,
And a rosebud in my hair.
Oh, we're all queers together,
Excuse us whilst we go upstairs.
Yes, we're all queers together,
And heretofore shall travel in pairs.
I went for a ride on the tram-tram,
It was crowded and I had to stand.
When a sweet little boy offered his seat,
I reached for it with my hand.
Oh, we're all queers together,
Excuse us whilst we go upstairs.
Yes, we're all queers together,
And heretofore shall travel in pairs.
I went to sell my motorcar,
I went to the man from Hertz.
He asked me what was my bottom price,
I said, "Let's sell my car first."
Oh, we're all queers together,
Excuse us whilst we go upstairs.
Yes, we're all queers together,
And heretofore shall travel in pairs.
228 CAP PELLETIER
When Lady Jane Became A Tart
It fairly broke the family's heart
When Lady Jane became a tart
But blood is blood and race is race
And so to save the family face
They bought her an expensive flat
With "Welcome" written on the mat.
It was not long ere Lady Jane
Brought her patrician charms to fame
A clientele of sahibs pukka
Who regularly came to fuck 'er,
And it was whispered without malice
She had a client from the palace.
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No one could nestle in her charms
Unless he wore ancestral arms
No one to her could gain an entry,
Unless he were of the landed gentry,
And so before her sun had set
She'd worked her way through Debrett.
When Lady Anne became a whore
It grieved the family even more,
But they felt they couldn't do the same
As they had done for Lady Jane,
So they bought her an exclusive beat,
On the shady side of Jermyn Street.
When Lord St. Clancy Became a nancy
It did not please the family fancy
And so in order to protect him
They did inscribe upon his rectum,
"All commoners must now drive steerage,
This arse hole is reserved for peerage."
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 229
Whoredean School
CHORUS: Up school, up school, fuck the school,
La, la, la, la, la la la la la, hey,
La, la, la, la, la la la la la,
Three fingers up your ass!
We are from Whoredean, Whoredean girls are we,
We. take no pride in our virginity,
We take precautions, and avoid abortions,
We are from Whoredean School.
Our school doctor, she is a beaut,
Teaches us to swerve when our boyfriends shoot,
It saves many marriages, and forces miscarriages,
We are from Whoredean School.
We go to Whoredean, don't we have pluck,
We go to bed without asking a buck,
Try us sometime boys, you may be in luck,
We are from Whoredean School.
Our school gardener he makes us drool,
He's got a great big whopping, dirty tool,
All right for tunnels, and Queen Mary funnels,
And for the girls of Whoredean School.
We have a new girl, her name is Flo,
Nobody thought that she could have a go,
But she surprised the Vicar, by raising him quicker,
Than any other girl at Whoredean School.
We go to Whoredean, we can be had, ''
Don't take our word, boy, ask your old dad,
He brings his friends for breath-taking trends,
We are from Whoredean School.
Our house mistress you cannot beat,
She lets us go out walking the street,
We sell out titties for threepenny bitties,
We are from Whoredean School.
Our head mistress, her name is Jane,
She only likes it now and again,
And again, and again, and again,
We are from Whoredean School.
230 CAP PELLETIER
WHOREDEAN SCHOOL (Continued)
Our sport mistress she is the best,
Teaches us to develop our chest,
So we wear tight sweaters, and carry French letters,
We are from Whoredean School.
Our teacher Porter, he is a fool,
He's only got a teeny weeny tool,
It's only good for key holes, and little girlie's peeholes,
But not much for Whoredean-School.
We go to Whoredean, don't we have fun,
We know exactly how it is done,
When we lie down we hole it in one,
We are from Whoredean School.
When we go down to the sea for a swim,
The people remark on the size of our quim,
You can bet your bottom dollar, it's as big as a horse collar,
We are from Whoredean School.
These girls from Cheltenham, they are just sissies,
They get worked up over one or two kisses,
It takes wax candles, and long broom handles,
To rouse the bowels of the girls from Whoredean School.
When we are invited to a dance,
We don't wear bras and we don't wear pants,
We like to give our boyfriends a chance,
We are from Whoredean School.
When we go down to the vicar's for tea, -.
He always lets us sit on his knee,
We make him randy and he gives us candy,
We are from Whoredean School.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 231
Why Was He Born So Beautiful?
Why was he born so beautiful?
Why was he born at all?
He's no fucking use to anyone,
He's no fucking use at all. (or: He's only got one ball.)
So drink chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
So drink chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
So dring chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug.
232 CAP PELLETIER
Will You Marry Me?
(FIRST VERSE IS SUNG IN MASCULINE VOICE AND REPLY VERSE IS SUNG IN
A FEMININE VOICE.)
If I give you half-a-crown, can I take your knickers down?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me half-a-crown, you can't take my knickers down.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I give you fish and chips, will you let me squeeze your tits?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me fish and chips, I won't let you squeeze my tits.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I gargle with Lavoris, can I suck on your clitoris?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you gargle with Lavoris, you can't suck on my clitoris.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
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If I give you half-a-note, can I shove it down your throat?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me half-a-note, you can't shove it down my throat.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I give you a pound of grass, can I shove it up your ass?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me a pound of grass, you can't shove it up my ass.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I give you half-a-quid, will you suck on my big squid?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me half-a-quid, I won't suck on your big squid.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I give you a whole crown, will you blow me till you drown?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me a whole crown, I won't blow you till I drown.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I give you silk and lace, can I spray it in your face?
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 233
WILL YOU MARRY ME? (Continued)
If you give me silk and lace, you can't spray it in my face.
You can't marry marry marry marry, you can't marry me.
If I give you my big chest, and all the money that I possess,
Will you marry marry marry marry, will you marry me?
If you give me your big chest, and all the money that you possess,
I will marry marry marry marry, I will marry you.
Get out the door, you lousy whore, my money was all you were looking for.
I'll not marry marry marry marry, I'll not marry you.
234 CAP PELLETIER
Woodpecker Song
I put my finger in the woodpecker's hole
And the woodpecker cried, "God bless my soul,
Take it out, take it out, take it out,
Remove it."
I removed my finger from the woodpecker's hole
And the woodpecker cried, "God bless my soul,
Put it back, put it back, put it back,
Replace it."
I replaced my finger in the woodpecker's hole
And the woodpecker cried, "God bless my soul,
Turn it round, turn it round, turn it round,
Revolve it."
I revolved my finger in the woodpecker's hole
And the woodpecker cried, "God bless my soul,
Turn it bout, turn it bout, turn it bout,
Reverse it."
I reversed my finger in the woodpecker's hole
And the woodpecker cried, "God bless my soul,
In and out, in and out, in and out,
Rotate it."
I rotated my finger in the woodpecker's hole
And the wooodpecker said, "God bless my soul,
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out,
Retract it." •
I retracted my finger from the woodpecker's hole
'
And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul,
Take a whiff, take a whiff, take a whiff."
REVOLTING!
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 235
Working Down The Sewer
CHORUS: Workin' down the sewer
shovellin' up manure,
That's the way the soldier
does his bit, shovelling shit.
You can hear the shovels ring
with a ting-a-ling-a-ling,
When you're working down
the sewer with the gang.
Now the foreman said to me,
As he grabbed me by the arse,
"You're the dirtiest little bastard
That we have upon the job.
Your wages for the week
Will be five and twenty bob,
When you're working down
the sewer with the gang."
One morning after eight,
When I turned up at the gate,
The foreman said to me,
"Now fucking, look 'ere mate,
If you won't come fucking early
Then you can't come fucking late,
When you're workin'down
the sewer with the gang."
236 CAPPELLETIER
YoHo
CHORUS: Get it in, get it out, quit fuckin' about. Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho.
I put my hand upon her toe, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her toe, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her toe, she said,
"Hey rugger yer much too low."
I put my hand upon her knee, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her knee, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her knee, she said,
"Hey rugger quit teasin' me."
I put my hand upon her thigh, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her thigh, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her thigh, she said,
"Hey rugger yer gettin' me high."
I put my hand upon her ear, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her ear, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her ear, she said,
"Hey rugger yer not even there."
I put my hand upon her nose, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her nose, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her nose, she said,
"Hey rugger gimme that hose."
I put my hand upon her mouth, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her mouth, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her mouth, she said,
"Hey rugger start headin'south."
I put my hand upon her tit, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her tit, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her tit, she said,
"Hey rugger that's not quite it."
I put my hand upon her twat, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her twat, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my hand upon her twat, she said,
"Hey rugger now that's the spot."
I put my dick into her mouth, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my dick into her month, yo ho, yo ho,
I put my dick into her mouth, she said,
" Mmmmmmmugh... Mmmmnxmmu^
THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 237
YOHO (Continued)
And now she lies in a pinewood box, yo ho, yo ho,
And now she lies in a pinewood box, yo ho, yo ho,
And now she lies in a pinewood box, she sucked
Too many rugger cocks.
They dug her up and fucked her again, yo ho, yo ho,
They dug her up and nicked her again, yo ho, yo ho,
They dug her up and nicked her again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.
238 CAP PELLETIER
You Expect Me
FOR MEN TO SING:
You expect me to get down on my hands and knees
And eat your pussy like a rat eats cheese
Well, I like cheese but I ain't no rat
And I like pussy but not like that
Your drawers may be clean and trimmed in lace
But you'll never, ever, ever sit your lily
white ass on this poor boy's face
And I wouldn't lie to you
Not one pound
FOR WOMEN TO SING:
You expect me to get down on my hands and knees
And lick your boner 'cause you want me to please
Well, I like boners that are big and fat
And I'd never eat a boner that looked like that
Your prick may be slick and ready to cream
But the closest you'll ever, ever, ever get to
me is a good wet dream
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And I wouldn't lie to you
Not one pound
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 239
Young Roger Of Kildare
Oh, mother, mother, dear
May I go to the fair
May I go with young Roger
Young Roger of Kildare
For I know he's kind and gentle
And will love me for my sake
And I know he will not harm me
Coming home from the wake.
Oh, daughter, daughter, dear
You may go to the fair
You may go with young Roger
Young Roger of Kildare
For I know he's kind and gentle
And will love you for your sake
But keep you legs close together
Coming home from the wake.
So she went to the fair
So she went to the fair
She went with young Roger
Young Roger of Kildare
So he stuffed-her up with ice-cream
And he stuffed her up with cake
And he stuffed it right up her
Coming home from the wake.
240 CAP PELLETIER
Your Spooning Days
Your spooning days are over,
Your pilot light is out,
What used to be your sex appeal
Is now your water spout.
You used to be embarrassed
To make the thing behave,
For every blooming morning
It would stand up and watch you shave.
But now you are growing old,
It sure gives you the blues,
To see the thing hand down your leg,
And watch you shine your shoes.
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THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK 241
You're A Grand Old Fag
(Sung to the tune of "Grand Old Flag")
You're a grand old fag,
And your wrinkled balls sag,
Your performance gets worse everyday.
Your're an argument,
for abstinence,
A broomstick would be a better lay.
Every heart fears doom,
When you walk into the room,
Cause we've heard of your infamous fame,
Your limp old cock won't be forgot,
Cause we all know that you are lame.
Well you have no lust,
And your humps have no thrust,
You're a sad, sad excuse for a stud.
You should just give up,
Cause you can't get it up,
I think I would rather eat mud.
Well your body's rank,
And the tiger in your tank,
Is as dead as the rhythm you beat,
Cause we know the way that you perform,
You remind us of a creampuff in heat.