The Official Rugby Book 2nd Edition 3rd Revision

This book is available for purchase. Please order it by contacting Cap Pelletier at HARPEL Enterprises (619) 294-6915.

THE OFFICIAL
RUGBY BOOK
(Songs and Other Strange Stuff)

THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK
(Songs and Other Strange Stuff)
SECOND EDITION
(Third Revision)

Cap Pelletier

HARPEL Enterprises
1270-G Cleveland Avenue, #225
San Diego, CA 92103-3302
(619) 294-6915

Cover designed and illustrated by Cap Pelletier.

Illustrations on pages 1,13,19, 21, 22, 27 (twice), 33, 36, 52, 53, 57, 58,
63, 66, 75, 77, 83, 87, 88, 95, 96, 97, 101, 102, 105, and 108 by "Stacey."
Illustration on page 3 from USARFU "Handbook and Laws of the Game."
Illustrations on pages 6,9,46, and 47 by an anonymous artist.

Copyright © 1993 by HARPEL Enterprises.
All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or copied in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic, or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or information and retrieval systems - without express written
permission.
Any rugby club that first purchases at least one copy of this songbook is hereby
granted permission to make unlimited additional copies of the songs, provided
such copies are made solely for the rugby club's non-commercial, private use.
Printed in the United States of America

TABLE OF CONTENTS
THE GAME OF RUGBY

The Field............................................... 1
Starting the Game........................................... 2
Accidents and Crimes ......................................... 2
Throw-Forward.......................................... 2
Knock-On ............................................ 2
Tackling ............................................. 2
Failure to Release the Ball After a Tackle............................... 4
Lying on the Ball ......................................... 4
Off-SidePlay........................................... 4
Charging, Obstruction, Foul Play, and Misconduct........................... 4
Breaking and Entering............................'............. 5
Penalties and Penances......................................... 5
Game Starts, Sort of........................................ 5
The Scrum, In Sickness & In Health................................... 5
Putting the Ball In......................................... 6
Getting the Ball Out........................................ 6
The Ruck (or Loose Scrum)..................................... 6
Off-Side Play (BAD).......................................... 7
On-Side Play (GOOD)......................................... 7
More Off-Sides: Scrums, Rucks, or Mauls ................................ 7
The Line-Out — Who Needs It?..................................... 8
Line-Out Troubles......................................... 8
Line-Outs and the Rest....................................... 8
The Line-Out — Odds and Ends................................... 9
Scoring and Other Rubbish....................................... 9
Scoring a Try........................................... 9
Converting a Try......................................... 10
Penalty Try........................................... 10

ii Table of Contents
Penalty Goal...........................................10
Drop Goal............................................10
Kicks, Penalty and Free — The Difference Between............................10
Drop-Outs, Touch-Downs & Such....................................11
The Advantage — What Good is It?...................................11 !
The Inscrutable In-Goal........................................11
Balls, Boots, and All That .......................................12
The Ref. (Hats Off)..........................................12
Touch Judges.............................................13
No Substitution, Even of Half-Wits...................................13
Finale................................................13
Post Finale..............................................13

A TRAINING PROGRAM
Pre-Season Weekly Schedule......................................15
In-Season Weekly Schedule.......................................15
Interval Running...........................................15
Weight Training............................................17
Fartlek Training............................................17
Distance Running...........................................18

AT LAST, THE SONGS
The Official (?) Introduction......................................19
A Christmas Carol.........................................21
A Rugby Toast ..........................................21
A Song About Turds........................................21
AToastToBeer..........................................21
A Toast To Madge.........................................22
A Toast To The Ladies.......................................22
Abortion.............................................22
Adelaine Schmidt.........................................23
Aids...............................................24
All The Nice Girls Love A Candle..................................24
Alouette.............................................24
An Engineer's Dream .......................................24
As I Was Walking.........................................25
Barnacle Bill The Sailor ..............................'........25
Be Kind To Your Web-Footed Friends................................26
Beer Is Best............................................26
Bestiality's Best!..........................................26
Bill Bailey ............................................27
Black Velvet Band.........................................27
Boy Meets Girl..........................................28
Brother Johnny..........................................28
By The Light...........................................28
Bye, Bye, Blackbird........................................28
Cal Drinking Song.........................................29
Can You Walk A Little Way With It In?...............................29
Cathusalem............................................29
Cats On The Rooftop.......................................30
Charlotte The Harlot .......................................31
Charlotte The Harlot Lay Dying...................................31
Christopher Columbo .......................................32
Christopher Robin.........................................32

THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK iii

Clementine........................................... 33
Cockles and Mussels....................................... 33
Court Of The Homy Five Sweetheart Song............................. 33
Courtin'In The Kitchen ..................................... 34
Cum Drops........................................... 34
Daisy.............................................. 35
Darkie Sunday School...................................... 35
DeadWhore .......................................... 35
Diamond Lily.......................................... 36
Did You Ever See........................................ 36
Do Yours Hang Low? ...................................... 37
Don't Say No.......................................... 37
Down-Down Song........................................ 37
Eskimo Nell........................................... 37
Eyes Right........................................... 39
Fa La La............................................ 40
Fanny Bay ........................................... 40
Farmer's Daughter........................................ 40
Fuck Him............................................ 40
Furburger King......................................... 40
Gentlemen Should Please Refrain................................. 41
Gimme Gimme Gimme...................................... 41
Glorious Beer.......................................... 41
Harlequin's Lament....................................... 42
Has Anybody Seen J.G? ..................................... 42
Here's To The Split . . ..................................... 42
He's A Dirty Bastard....................................... 43
His Father Was A Eunuch.................................... 43
Hitler Has Only Got One Ball................................... 43
Hold'Em Down You Zulu Warrior ................................ 43
I Don't Know What His Name Is.................................... 43
I Don't Wanna Talk About It................................... 44
I Don't Want To Join The Army.................................. 44
ILoveMyWife......................................... 45
I Used To Work In Chicago....................."............... 45
If I Were The Marrying Kind ................................... 45
I'm A Gentleman Of Leisure, Of Nobility And Pleasure........................ 47
I'm Your Mailman........................................ 47
In Mobile............................................ 48
In The Shade Of The Old Apple Tree................................ 50
Incest Time In Texas....................................... 50
Inside Those Red Plush Breeches ................................. 50
It's The Same The Whole World Over............................... 50
Ivan Scavinsky Scavar....................................... 51
Jenny Brown .......................................... 52
Jesus Saves........................................... 52
John Peel............................................ 52
Jonestown........................................... 53
Knockers............................................ 53
Large Balls........................................... 54
Let Me Call You Sweetheart................................... 54
Life Presents A Dismal Picture (Hymn)............................... 54
Lil............................................... 55
Lulu '.............................................. 56
Lupe.............................................. 56
LydiaPinkham ......................................... 57
Maggie May........................................... 57

iv Table of Contents
Mary Ann Burns..........................................58
Masturbation...........................................58
Men.............................................. .59
MissMilly............................................59
Monte Carlo........................................... 59
Morgan's Pies...........................................59
Mrs. Murphy...........................................60
My Ding-A-Ling..........................................60
My God How The Money Rolls In..................................61
My Old Man ...........................................61
Nellie 'Awkins.......................................... 62
Nelly Cartwright..........................................62
No Balls At All..........................................62
O Unhappy Bella.........................................63
Old King Cole...........................................63
O'Leary's Balls.......................................... 64
Once There Was A Servant Girl Whose Name Was Mary Jane......................64
O'Reilly's Daughter........................................65
Peg Of My Heart......................................... 65
Poetry..............................................66
Poor Little Angeline........................................67
Pubic Hair............................................ 67
Put On Your Bustle........................................67
Put Your Thighs On My Shoulders..................................68
Queen Of All The Fairies...................................... 68
Red Flag.............................................68
Ring The Bell Verger.......................................69
Rip My Knickers Away.......................................69
Rodriquez, The Mexican Pervert...................................69
Roll Me Over In The Clover....................................73
Roll Your Leg Over........................................73
Roller, Roller.................,..........................74
Royal Marine...........................................74
Rugby Alma Mater....................................... . 75
Rugby Anthem..........................................75
Rule Britannia.......................................... 75
Sambo Was A Lazy Coon......................................75
Seven Old Ladies.........................................76
She Went For A Ride In A Morgan .................................76
Side By Side ...........................................76
Sit On My Face..........................................77
Some Die Of Drinking Water....................................77
Sonia Snell............................................77
Stormy Weather, Boys.......................................78
Sunshine Mountain........................................78
Sunstroke, Syphilis, And Varicose Veins............................... 78
Sweet Violets...........................................78
Swing-Low............................................79
Syphilis..............................................79
Take Me Out For A Good Ball...................................79
Team Chant ...........................................79
The Alphabet Song........................................80
The Bachelor's Son........................................ 80
The Ball Of Kerrymuir (Balls To Your Partner)............................80
The Chastity Belt.........................................83
The Church Song —Ding A Dong..................................83
The Country Gentleman......................................84

THE OFFICIAL RUGBY BOOK v

The Erection Factory....................................... 84
The Gang Bang Song....................................... 85
The Good Ship Venus...................................... 85
The Green, Green Grass Of Home................................. 86
The Hairs On Her Dicki Di Do .................................. 86
The Happy Wanderer ...................................... 87
The Harlot of Jerusalem ..................................... 87
The Hole In The Elephant's Bottom................................ 88
The Keyhole In The Door..................................... 88
The Kotex Factory........................................ 89
TheLobster........................................... 90
The Maid Of The Mountain Glen................................. 90
The Minstrels Sing Of A Bastard King Of Many Long Years Ago ................... 91
The Mole Catcher........................................ 91
The Monk Of Great Renown................................... 92
The Necrophiliac ........................................ 92
The North Atlantic Squadron................................... 92
The Portions Of The Female ................................... 93
The Puppy Song......................................... 93
The Rajah Of Astrakhan..................................... 93
The Ram Of Derbyshire ..................................... 94
The Ring Dang Doo........................................ 94
The Rugby Tinker........................................ 95
TheS&MMan ......................................... 95
The Sexual Life Of A Camel.................................... 96
The Street Of A Thousand Arse Holes............................... 96
The Tattooed Lady........................................ 97
The Traveler .......................................... 98
The Tulagi Song......................................... 98
The Twelve Days Of Rugby.................................... 99
The Virgin Sturgeon....................................... 99
The Walrus And The Carpenter.................................. 99
The Wild Rover......................................... 100
The Wild West Show....................................... 100
The Woman Marine Hymn.................................... 101
There Was-----......................................... 102
There Was A Priest, The Dirty Beast................................ 102
These Foolish Things....................................... 102
They Both Were Billy Boys.................................... 103
They're Digging Up Dad's Remains ................................ 103
Those Old Red Flannel Drawers That Maggie Wore......................... 103
Three German Officers...................................... 104
Three Old Whores From Winnipeg................................ 104
Trojan Is A Girl's Best Friend................................... 104
VictorySong .......................................... 105
We Are Warriors ........................................ 105
We're All Queers Together (Bum Tittie).............................. 105
When Lady Jane Became A Tart.................................. 106
Whoredean School........................................ 106
Why Was He Born So Beautiful?.................................. 107
Will You Marry Me?....................................... 107
Woodpecker Song........................................ 107
Working Down The Sewer.................................... 108
YoHo............................................. 108
You Expect Me......................................... 109
You Picked A Fine Time To Burn Me, Miss Lee........................... 109
Young Roger Of Kildare..................................... 109

Table of Contents
Your Spooning Days.......................................109
You're A Grand Old Fag.....................................HO