Bawdy Toasts

Here are bawdy, erotic or scatological toasts that can be said by either gender. For toasts that are primarily for men click here; for toasts that are primarily for women click here. If you have a bawdy or erotic toast, please send it to me at .

Here's to the King! What King? Fuc-King!

[1934 Anecdota Americana Second Series]

Man on top of woman hasn't long to stay.
His head is full of business and his ass is full of play.
He goes in like a lion and comes out like a lamb.
He buttons up his pants and doesn't give a damn.

[1971 Hart]

May you always come more than you go.

Here's to screwy Dick
The guy with the cork screw prick.
He spent all his life in a futile hunt
Searching for a girl with a cork screw cunt.
When he found one he fell over dead
The damned old bitch had a left hand thread.

Variant:

Pity the plight of poor, poor Dick
Born with the curse of a corkscrew prick.

He spent his life in a maddening hunt
searching for a girl with a corkscrew cunt.

He found one, but, alas, they're dead.
He had a right, she a left-hand thread.

Here's to that which goes in hard & stiff and comes out soft & wet.
Here's to...bubblegum.

[1934 Anecdota Americana Second Series. I adapted it. Is this also found in Best of Maledicta ?]

May your love be a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.

Variant:

Here's to a love that's a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
[Where did I acquire these? Usenet?. I can only find the definition: "Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments." Did I adapt both of these versions?]

When God made Man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so He left a little thing.
When God made Woman, He made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so He left a little place.
Here's to God!

Variant:

When God made man, he had a little left, so he left a little thing.
When God made woman, there wasn't *quite* enough, so he left a little space..
Here's a toast to "things in space."

[Usenet: alt.jokes.tasteless]

A SUNG AUSTRALIAN TOAST
Tune: The Lumberjack Song.

Here's to ______, (s)he's true blue,
(S)he's a wanker through & through,
(S)he's a bastard so they say,
Tried to get to heaven but (s)he went the other way.
Drink it down, down, down.

(Collected from _____ on The Walk, 20 June 2002. She said that she learned it while studying(!) in Australia.)

In with it, and out with it, and God work his will with it!

[The Pearl, No.16 1880; listed as a toast.]

Longer limerick version:

Here's to it and through it and to it again
To suck it and to screw it and to screw it again
     So in with it out with it
     Lord work his will with it
May you always want to do it again.

Variant:

At it and to it and at it and to it again,
   If you don't get at it, you'll never get to it again.

[1948ca Bedroom Party Literature]

Variant:

Here's to it and for it and to it again,
for if you don't do it
when you first come to it
you may not come to it to do it again.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.]

Here's to it and to it again;
If you don't do it when you're to it,
You may not get to it to do it again.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.]

Here's to it, and at it, and at it, and to it,
And to it, and it again.
For the man that gets to it, and then don't do it,
May never get to it again.

[2 Feb. 1906. From a dated manuscript from NY state. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray]

Here's to it.
If you get to it
And can't do it,
Call on me,
I'm used to it.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.]

Potent variant:

Here's to it and to it again.
If you ever get to it
and can't do it
lead me to it
and I'll do it!

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.]

Here's to the universe of man,
They've done it since the world began.
Robins and wrens do it,
Chickens and hens do it,
Kings and queens do it,
And I'd do it too if
I hadn't promised not to.
For I'd get fat if
I ate cake like you do.

[This bowdlerized version found in 1938 Clean Dirt pg 227. Last two lines should be something similar to "But I'll tell you what I will do, I'll lie still while you do it." see variants below and the bawdy poem from 1907.]

Variant:

Here's to it:

Birds do it and fly,
Bees do it and die,
Dogs do it and stick to it,
So here's to it, lets do it.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.]

Variant:

Dogs do it, cats do it,
monkeys have a try.
Mums do it, dads do it,
so why don't you and I?

[said by Claire Wilcock, age 18, Nelson, Lancashire England, recorded in 1994 Rude Rhymes II. pg 26. Not listed as a toast.]

Variant:

Here's up to it, here's down to it,
Damned anybody can't do it,
Ought to back up to it, step aside and let me do it, 'cause I'm used to it,
Birds do it on the fly, dogs do it 'til they die,
Here's to it, let's do it, let's watch the fur fly . . . . WOO WOO!

[Retrieved from http://sabine_texas.tripod.com/toast.htm on 7 August 2003]

Variant:

Here's to it to them that do it,
Damn the man that can't do it!
As to those who won't do it,
they should be tied to it and made to do it!
Birds do it and fly,
bees do it and die.
Kings and queens do it and sigh.
But I can't do it and I'll tell you why:
Because I've promised to be true.
But I'll tell you what I will do,
I'll lie still while you do it.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.]

Compare the above with the bawdy poem below:

               THEY ALL DO IT!

Fight against it all you can, though sad the thought, - ALL DO IT.

Yes - the pheasants and the fen do it;
    The robins and the wrens do it;
The roosters and the hens do it;
    The wild Comanche braves do it,
The Esquamaux in caves do it.
    And kings and queens are slaves to it.
Temptation all will bring to it,
    Parsons doff their pantaloons to it;
Goats in fall and spring do it;
    And boars bend their necks and swoon to it;
Moths and mites in cheese do it;
    And butterflies and bees do it;
And frogs settle down and freeze to it;
    Cold earth worms cone up in swarms to it;
And underneath the trees do it;
    Well-- I'm but a lonely woman,
With every pulse and feeling human,
    But I'm not the folks called "common".
And I'll never do it!
    The deed is rash, and I would rue it,
I'd scorn the act, and well you know it,
    But - Well -- I'll lay still, and let YOU do it.

[5th Feb 1907. From a dated manuscript page from NY state. Copies Jack Horntip and Ed Cray.]

May you be found dead at the ripe 'ol age of 99, shot by a jealous spouse.

[Found on the archive Epicurious toasting discussion board.; Found also in several books I can't remember. Tipsi's Bar Guide?.]

Compare with 1992 Evan's

The men in college,
      The he-men and the wrecks,
They do a lot of talking
      About drinking and about sex.
Now it's been observed,
      In spite of what they boast of,
That between the drinking and women
      Drinking is what they get the most of.

[1970, Tipsi's Bar Guide. Listed as a toast.]

Here's to Birthdays!
Birthdays come once a year.
Aren't you glad your not a birthday!

[From: crivello(at) jojoba.ssc.gov (Sam Crivello) Newsgroups: rec.humor Date: 31 Jan 1992; Find earlier source for this toast.]

A man may kiss his wife goodbye,
The rose may kiss the butterfly,
The wine may kiss the frosted glass,
And you, my friends, may kiss my ass.

[1927 Immortalia, 1970 Tipsi's Bar Guide, various Usenet groups.]

Variant:

The rose may kiss the butterfly,
The wine may kiss the crystal glass,
A girl may kiss her man goodbye,
But you, my friends, may kiss my ass.

[Usenet: Date: 1997-06-07. rec.humor]

Variant:

The dew may kiss the morning grass,
The clock may kiss the hours past,
A Knight may kiss a maiden lass,
And you my friends... drink hardy!

[Bruce Hayek Date: 1992-01-31. Usenet: rec.humor]

Here's to my friend --

He passed away at 69,
We all miss him so,
He passed away at 69,
What a way to go!

[1970, Tipsi's Bar Guide]

In the parlour there were three
She, the parlour lamp and he
Two is company
Without a doubt
And so the parlour lamp went out!

[1986, acquired from Elsie Elliott according to 1992 Fahey. He lists this as a toast.]

Another:

In the parlour, there were three:
you, the parlour light and me.
Three's a crowd, there's no doubt,
so the parlour light went out.

[Reported by Caire Wilcock, age 18, from Nelson, Lancashire, England in 1994 Rude Rhymes II, pg.26. Not recorded there as being used as a toast]

Oldest toast example:

In the parlor there were three;
Girl, the parlor lamp, and he,
Two is company; no doubt—
That is why the lamp went out.

[From the 1909 book Toasts by Margaret Waters]

Oldest non-toast example:

Three are a crowd, and there were three,
The girl, the parlor lamp and he;
Two are company, and no doubt,
That's why the parlor lamp went out.

[The Polytechnic, Volumes 17-18 [1901-1902] pg 198]

Let's drink to kissing --

Kiss beneath the garden gate,
Kiss beneath the rose.
The proper place to kiss a girl,
Is between the head and toes.

[1970, Tipsi's Bar Guide]

Here's to the female who yields to a man,
Here's to the man who'll fuck when he can,
For fucking creates all our joy on earth
From fucking you know, we all date our birth.

[The Pearl, No.5, 1879, imbedded in the song "Taking a Maidenhead"]

May you never want a fuck,
Nor yet a prick or cunt to suck.

[The Pearl, No.18, 1880]

Here's 2 U,
Here's 2 Me,
Here's 2 Sex,
When It's Free

Here's to the bee that stung the bull and sent the bull a buckin'
Here's to Adam who stung Eve and sent the world a fuckin'
Here's to Adam.

Here's to the game called 'Ten Toes'
That's played all over town.
The women play with ten toes up.
And the men with ten toes down!

[Various sources: 1960 Koken, 1968 More Rugby Songs preserves the "twenty toes" variant, Usenet Groups. The Hash House Harriers preserves the "Here's to the game called twenty toes" variant, website admits to deriving many of its toasts from rugby players.]

I know a game of twenty toes.
It's played all over town.
The girls play it with ten toes up,
The boys with ten toes down.

[2000, Bawdy ballads & Dirty Ditties of the Wartime R.A.F. pg. 133; if this is correct then the non-toast version of twenty toes goes back to WWII.]

Variant:

THE JOLLY OLD GAME OF TOES.

Here's to the jolly old game of Toes,
A better one NEVER was found.
Let the girls play with ten toes up
And the boys with ten toes down!

[From: "Huggie" <huggie (at) pop.ihug.co.nz> Newsgroups: alt.clearing.technology. Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001; Note the New Zealand provenance this variant. Try to find other instances of this variant.]

Here's to me in my sober mood,
When I ramble, sit, and think.
Here's to me in my drunken mood,
When I gamble, sin, and drink.
And when my days are over,
And from this world I pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!

A slight adaptation to a specific profession:

FIGHTER PILOT'S TOAST

Here's to me in my sober mood
As I ponder, sit and think.
And here's to me in my drunken mood
As I gamble, sin and drink.
When my flying days are over
And from this world I pass
I hope they bury me upside down
So the world can kiss my ass.

[retrieved from http://www.skygod.com/quotes/misc.html on 13 March 2003

Also:

A FIGHTER PILOTS TOAST

Here's to me in my sober mood
When I ramble, sit and think
Here's to me in my drunken mood
When I gamble, sin and drink

But when my flying days are over
And from this world I pass
I hope they bury me upside down
So the world can kiss my ass.

[ca 1991. The 335th Fighter Squadron Chiefs Songbook pg. 37]

Here's to an hour of sweet repose,
Tummy to tummy and toes to toes,
Then after an hour of such delight,
It's fanny to fanny for the rest of the night.

[1971 Hart]

Another:
Here's to a night of peaceful repose,
Tummy to tummy, and toes to toes,
After a moment of blissful delight,
It's fanny to fanny, the rest of the night.

[ca 1949 Bedroom Party Literature]

Another:
Here's to that moment of sweet repose
When it's cheek to cheek and nose to nose
For after that moment of sublime delight
It's fanny to fanny for the rest of the night

[Retrieved from http://www.weddinghumour.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
wedding-jokes-07/a-toast-for-the-wedding-day.htm on 7 August 2003]

Here's to the camel
Who's sexual desire is greater than anyone thinks.
One night in a moment of sexual madness
It tried to make love to the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior opening
Was clogged with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

[From: dmann (at) ace.com (Dmann) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Date: Sun, 19 Mar 1995]

Here's to the Hereafter.
If you're not here after
What I'm here after,
You'll be here a long time after I'm gone.

[1960 Koken, Various usenet groups, etc.]

Be good.
If you can't be good, be careful;
And if you can't be careful,
Name it after me.

[From: "L3isa" <monkees (at) gte.net> Date: 1997-06-09 Usenet: rec.humor,alt.humor.puns,alt.tasteless.jokes. Specifically called a toast.]

Variant

"Be good. If you can't be good, be bad. If you can't be bad, then name it after me."

[Retrieved from http://pub26.ezboard.com/foldschoolstrengthtraining70757frm16.showMessage?topicID=268.topic on 8 Sept 2003. This was not listed as a toast.]

Variant:

"Be good. And if you can't be good, be good at it".

Collected from Freddy J. from San Antonio (Leo Q.'s friend) on 2010-04-25.

Here's to the top
And here's to the middle
Let's hope tonight
We all get a little.

[From: "raus.ins" <raus.ins (at) ix.netcom.com> Date: 1997-06-06 Usenet: rec.humor,alt.humor.puns,alt.tasteless.jokes. Find earlier & variants.]

A BAWDY BIRTHDAY TOAST

I would like to thank all for coming, especially my parents,
________ years ago.

A Toast To Beer

If I had a dog that could piss this stuff
And I was sure that dog could piss enough
I'd tie his head to the foot of my bed
And such his dick 'til we both dropped dead.

[Retrieved from http://www.desmoinesrugby.com/documents/songs_toastbeer.doc on 2003-04-12. This toast is much older. Find early source & variants.]

Here's to the policeman who passes our way.
Here's to the mailman who calls every day.
Here's to the babies who continually say:
"Mom, which is my daddy -- the blue or the gray?"

[1960 Koken]

Variant:

The postman came on the first of May.
The policeman came the very next day.
Nine months later, there was hell to pay.
Who fired the shot, the blue or the gray.

[1960 Koken; 1965 "Linton" pg 121 imbedded in the song Virgin Sturgeon (sung to "Ruben, Ruben"); 1971 Hart; various Usnet groups, etc. ]

Earliest Variant:

A policeman came to the door one day,
The mail man came and went away,
Nine months there was hell to pay,
Now who was to blame the blue or the gray

[2 Feb 1906. Listed in the toast section of a dated manuscript page from NY state. Copies: Jack Horntip & Ed Cray]

Compare with this from ca 1948 Bedroom Party Literature:

QUESTION
A policeman came to our home one day.
   The mailman came and went away,
And in about nine months there was Hell to pay,
   Who tired the shot—the Blue or the Grey ?

ANSWER

You asked who fired this fatal shot
   And on this character left a blot.
I'll say it was the man in Blue,
   For such a thing a carrier would not do.
Uncle Sam's Grey trousered sons
   Are not permitted to carry their guns.
But the man in Blue they call the Bull,
   Carries his gun with a magazine full.
Hence the evidence is very strong
   That the man in Blue committed the wrong.

Little girl—guard that sacred spot
   From this big Bull's unerring shot,
For at least again he'll come some day,
   And in about nine month, there will be Hell to pay.

Here's to heat!
Not the kind that ignites and burns down shanties...
But the kind that excites...and slides down panties!

[1927 Immortalia 1971 Hart]

Here's to you, here's to me
May we never disagree,
But if we do
To Hell with you
Here's to me.

[1910 Toasts of the Century. This toast or the variant below are the most commonly collected bawdy toasts.]

Here's to you, here's to me,
together as friends we'll always be,
and if we ever disagree,
Fuck you, here's to me.

[ 9 Dec. 2003. Collected from a woman. This variant has not made it into print.]

Here's to you, and here's to me,
Here's to the girl with the dimpled knee.
Here's to the boy who fastened her garter;
It wasn't much -- but a damned good starter!

[1960 Koken]

Variant:

Here's to you and here's to me,
And here's to the girl with the well-shaped knee.
Here's to the man with his hand on her garter;
He hasn't got far, but he's a damn good starter.

Here's to the bee that stung the bull
That started the bull to bucking
Here's to Adam who ate the first apple
And started the world to... Eating apples !!!

[From: lindo(at) usa.pipeline.com(Linda OBrien) Date: 1996-02-18 Usenet: rec.humor ]

Here's to the bride
who's still a virgin.
Her hormones
are really surgin'.
Here's to the groom,
who'll skip the dinner.
'Stead he'll stick'
his winner in 'er.

[From: barlow6(at) news.ford.com Date: 1999-05-18. Usenet: rec.humor ]
Here's to the Scots, Irish and Picts,
"Don't piss us off or we'll cut of your.....Wassail!"

[From: knighterrant(at) mindspring.com (Knight Errant) Date: 1998-05-04 Usenet: alt.fairs.renaissance]

Here's to the white clouds of glory
Here's to the flaming fires of Hell
It takes a gentleman to screw a lady
It takes a son of a bitch to tell.

[From: pisarra (at) ccnet.com (Chris Pisarra) Usenet: rec.humor ; Try to find earlier sources.]

Here's to the camel
Who's sexual desire is greater than anyone thinks.
One night in a moment of sexual madness
It tried to make love to the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior opening
Was clogged with the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

[From: dmann(at) ace.com (Dmann) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Date: Sun, 19 Mar 95; Very old bawdy ditty. Try to find older instance of this being used as a toast.]

Here's to when I want it,
And I want it bad,
And if I don't get it
It makes me mad,
And if I do get it
It makes me frisky,
Now don't get me wrong
'Cause I mean whiskey.

[1949ca Bedroom Party Literature, pg. 6. Compare this with the following "teasing" rhymes by children in Australia as recorded by 1983 Lowenstein.]

The boy stood on the burning deck,
The deck was made of brass (glass)
The boy slipped on the burning deck
And landed on his ---
Don't be mistaken, don't be misled,
The boy slipped on the burning deck
And landed on his head.

[1951-55, Newcastle, Australia, contributed by Brad Tate, 1983 Lowenstein pg. 13.]

Mary had a little bike,
She rode it back to front,
And every time the pedal came up,
It hit her in the ......
Don't be mistaken, don't be misled,
Every time the pedal came up
It hit her in the head.

[1972, Melbourne as recorded in 1983 Lowenstein pg 31.]

May you live as long as you want to...
and want to as long as you live
[From: "dick greenhaus" <vze29j8v (at) verizon.net> Date: Thursday, January 30, 2003 2:26 PM, private email. Reported as learned "on the streets of Brooklyn, NY back ca 1947."]

May live as long as you want and want to as long as you live.

[1992 Evans III & Frothingham. Find earlier sources]

Variant:

May you live as long as you want to;
May you want to as long as you live.
If I'm asleep when you want to, wake me;
If I'm awake and don't want to, make me.

[Retrieved from http://www.tech-sol.net/humor/poetry6.htm on 6 Jan. 2003; the second half of this is familiar. Check Bedroom Party Literature, anecdotas & others.]

Here's to me and here's to you,
And if in the world
There was just us two
And I could promise that nobody knew
Would you?

[Retrieved from http://www.whisky.cc/toasts.htm on 17 Dec. 2002; compare this with Bedroom Party Literature and other sources.]

Compare the above with:

If I were I, and you were you, would you?
There are times I would and times I wouldn't,
Times that I could and times I couldn't;
But the times I could and would and I felt game
Are the time I'm with you, dear.
Do you feel the same?

[Where did this come from? Compare this with Bedroom Party Literature below.]

          WOULD YOU?
If in this world there were but two,
   And all the world were good and true,
And if you knew that no one knew—
   Would you ?

If you dreamed in pajamas blue
   Of two strong arms embracing you,
And if you really wanted to—
   Would you?

If all the world were nice and bright,
   And if I stayed with you all night,
And if I turned out the light -
   Would you ?

If we were in a certain place,
   And if we were sleeping face to face,
Nothing between us but a little lace—
   Would you—kiss me good-night?

[ca 1948 Bedroom Party Literature, pg.8. This is not listed as a toast but is found directly AFTER the toasts section and before the relatively well know "The Postman came...blue or the gray" toast.]
Times are hard,
And wages are small,
So drink more beer,
And fuck them all.

" To all fair(e) friends who come and go; may they come again." And you can take that however you like.

[From: "Lynn Gustafson" <lgustafs(at) library.ucla.edu> Date: 1998-04-21 Usenet: alt.fairs.renaissance]

Now here's to the moment's we've stolen,
   Now stealing you know is wrong,
But after we've stolen these moments,
   Just to whom do these moments belong?
Now if a man has a bushel of apples
   And he willfully lets them rot,
And someone came along and stole them
   Would you blame him—why certainly not.

Because apples were meant to be eaten,
   And moments were meant for delight,
And that's just what we'll tell our conscience
   Dear—if it bothers us—AFTER TONIGHT—

[1948ca Bedroom Party Literature, pg. 13. Specifically called a toast.; Compare this with Koklen.]

Mary had a little lamb,
It wasn't bad by half.
Who gives a dam for Mary's lamb
If you can see her calf.
[Contributed by CR MCPHERSON <crmcp (at) hotmail (dot) com> on 5 Feb 2004 he says that learned this "from my ex father in law Roswell Miller ood Dutchess county N.Y. back around 1940 give or take." Compare this with the mistaken toast anecdote. ]

TOAST TO THOSE THAT FLY

We loop in the purple twilight
We spin in the silver dawn
With black smoke trailing behind us
To show where our comrades have gone

So stand with your glasses steady
This world is a world of lies
We'll drink to those who are living
And hurrah for the next man to die!

[1991. pg 37 335th FS Chiefs Songbook. This toast is directly derived from the song "Stand to Your Glasses".]

A WELCOMING TOAST

TOASTMASTER: "Let's say hello to __________"

RESPONSE: "HELLO ASS HOLE!"

[ca 1991. pg 37 335th FS Chiefs Songbook. ]

Gesundheit! Eat cheese and make your ass tight!

[Contributed by James P. Leary. Learned from an Irishman born in 1885.]

Another concerned a murderer who was released from prison:

Here's to Tell that sits in his cell,
Thinking of the girl he loved so well.
And he often wonders if they'll take his life
For killing the man that poonced his wife
But still old Tell gets free at last,
And the first thing he does is look for more ass.

[Contributed by James P. Leary. Learned from an Irishman born in 1885.]

If the ocean was vodka
And I was a duck
I'd swim to the bottum
and drink it all up
But since the ocean isn't vodka
and I'm not a duck
Pass the Bottle
and let's get fucked up!

Retrieved from http://www.collegeslackers.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=532&st=25 on 2010-07-31 where it was posted by wsb390 on 2006-02-07.

Here's to the girls that we love,
Here's to the girls that we hate
Here's to the girls that we'll fuck,
but probably never date.
Retrieved from http://www.collegeslackers.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=532&st=25 on 2010-07-31 where it was posted by wsb390 on 2006-02-07.

HERE'S TO THE DAY'S OF OLD

These poems can be changed into a toast by replacing the "In the days of old..." with "Here's to the days of old..." Many of these poems have been found recited by children (see 1978 Cinderella Dressed in Yella, and 1974 Lowenstein.) and they have been imbedded in the bawdy WWII song "North Atlantic Squadron" (see 1972 National Engineering Book of Song & Verse).

In day of old, when knights were bold
And paper not invented,
They used tufts of grass to wipe their ass
And were very well contented.
In the days of old when knights were bold
And women weren't particular
They lined them up against the wall
And fucked them perpendicular.
In days of old, when men were bold
And cast-iron trousers wore,
They lived in peace, for then a crease
Would last ten years or more.
In days of old, when men were bold
And toilets weren't invented,
They laid their loads upon the roads
And walked away contented.
In days of old when knights were bold
and condoms weren't invented.
They tied a sock, around their cock
and babies were prevented.
In Days of old when knights were bold
And toilets weren't invented
Men dropped their load upon the road
And walked away contented.
In the days of old, when the knights were bold
and the women chased the men
The men like fools got out their tools
and chased them back again.
In days of old when knights were bold,
And cared not for such trifles,
They nailed their balls upon the walls,
and shot at them with rifles.
In days of old when knights were bold
And penicillin wasn't invented,
Venereal drips ran down from their hips
And their toes were all cemented.