Letter of Advice

Letter of Advice

"Old Mistresses Apologue"

[Letter, June 25, 1745]

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the complete human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissors. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lasting agreable.
Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.
Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclined to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of improvement.
Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly. They are so grateful!!

This much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

[members of the Norman Luboff Choir]
- The Earthy Side
  - King David [recitation] Time: 0:10
  - There Was An Old Farmer Time: 0:45
  - Dead-eye Dick [recitation] Time: 0:41
  - Her Whole Estate Time: 0:29
  - Love Song [recitation] Time: 0:12
  - Old Fashioned Harlot Time: 1:36
  - Some Die Of Drinking Whiskey Time: 0:21
  - Dark-eyed Gentleman Time: 1:54
  - Old Boy [recitation] Time: 0:15
  - Gentlemen Will Please Refrain Time: 0:55
  - His Only Limitation [recitation] Time: 0:06
  - Yellow, Yellow Yorlin Time: 2:08
  - Invitation [recitation] Time: 0:12
  - Young Man Of Calcutta Time: 0:28
  - Advise To A Young Man [story] Time: 2:04
  - Adultery Ad Absurdum Time: 0:32
  - Ropey Squadron Time: 1:35
  - Funiculi, Funicula Time: 0:47
  - Pastorale ["The Sheepherd Lay in the Tall, Tall Grass...", recitation] Time: 0:42
  - Lydia Pinkham Time: 2:15
  - Now That I'm Old [recitation, has been used as a toast] Time: 0:32
  - Yankee Doodle Time: 1:08
  - Song [aka Sylvia The Fair] Time: 1:54
  - Did I Say All [recitation, has been used as a toast] Time: 0:28
  - John Harrolson Time: 2:02
  - Twenty Toes [toast] Time: 0:12
  - Old Dan Tucker Time: 1:19
  - Punkt [recitation] Time: 0:06
  - The Sexual Life Of The Camel Time: 0:29
  - My Lady's Coachman Time: 0:52
  - A Man Of Audacity [recitation] Time: 1:13
  - Bona Nox Time: 0:42
  - Bastard King Of England Time: 1:53